Bucket list additions ... possibilities ...

++ visit Mosquiito Bay (Vieques near Puerto Rico)  ... bioluminescent bay ... just to play
++ visit Los Glaciares Natl Park in Patagonia (Argentina)
++spend the night out in my back yard on the trampoline ... stay awake almost all night
++see the aurora borealis ... already said that?!?!  Okay ... from an airplane that I am piloting.
++learn the proper uses of which vs that
++visit Hawaii and have a blast ... spend time at the observatory, listen to the singing sands, outdoor couple spa experience, water things like snorkel, visit a volcano, study the approaches beforehand (I flown one in the sim ... interesting), visit Dole farm, uhhh ... may need some real time in Hawaii
++Visit Yucca Ridge (Colorado Rockies) for SPRITE sighting ... a sprite is a luminous column reaching heights of 18 miles (not a typo) ...My reading suggests focusing about 4X higher then the TCU tops ...how to measure that will be interesting.  Says it'll make the hair on the back of my neck stand on end ... uh huh ... we'll see about that ... I'm in!
++Visit NY ... I've never been there and I don't know how to best spend that time, but I think I could figure it out on the fly ... I know I'd like to see the Statue of Liberty and ride a subway ... eat street food ... less interested in the Broadway aspect ... I want to walk and browse. Oh ... I'd also like to have a memorable "dress-up dining" experience.
++Figure out where and when to optimize viewing the night sky ... like when we pass through a comet's tail ... I want to see with my own eyes what the stargazer ap depicts ... so much more!  I'll have some real wishes ready just in case I see a shooting star.  Splendor.
++Visit AZ with Ava ... see the Meteorite Crater and the Grand Canyon ... the dessert and the higher lands as well ... visit James Turrell's marvelous installation near Flagstaff ... fly from Sedona ... to somewhere and back. 
++airplane acrobatic training
++glider rating
++ tail wheel, but not for it's own sake ... I liked flying the T6 and would be interested in more of that maybe, the fuel burn is pretty intimidating on my bang for the buck scale
++Win the lottery
++Go to the wind tower thing and fly ... I don't know what that's called right now, but I will cite it later.
++Spend a few days in Santa Fe NM ... and visit those cliff dwellings in SW Colorado
++swim with dolphins (poc)
++sleep in a cool tree house
++sleep in a hammock ... maybe hung under an airplane wing ... maybe even an airplane intentionally landed for just such an event ... oh that would be fun ... airplane camping out.
++sleep in a venue where they have little rooms on the water rather then just near the water
++sail the intercoastal water ways ... at least three weeks trip ...

... more later ... I would not have known to bucket list watching those birds from nest prep all the way through to their first flight ... that is exactly the kind of nerdy thing I like best ...
++

“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”
~ Howard Thurman quotes (American Theologian, Clergyman and Activist. 1900-1981)

When I woke up at four this morning and remembered that I fly today, I smiled ...one of those huge smiles that stretches from the tips of my pointed toes all the way to the ends of my sleep tangled hair.  Today is sure to be an excellent day.
This flight is a favor for a bud. He called a couple of weeks ago and asked me to do it ... a last flight for the mother of someone on his staff.  I haven't met her yet, but I understand she has had a paralyzing stoke, but wants nothing more then a last flight.  Yeah ... no problem ... can do ... will do.  It's not ideal to put an older lady who finds herself confined to a wheel chair up in the front seat of a C172 ... that might be a bit tricky, but we'll make it happen ... my only only concern is emergency egress ... I'd sure hate to kick an old lady to the curb so to speak ... thinking through the possibilities here, nothing less! 
They have called a few times this week ... finalizing details ... the mother is very excited.  I feel fortunate to help someone out like this ... it's really a blessing to get to participate in some one's joy. So ... that's what'sup this morning bright and early.  Btw ... the cardinal is sitting on that nest as though survival of her species depends on it.  Love that dedication! ... This may just be my little flight of fancy, but when she sees me looking at her she looks away, pretending not to see me ... if she doesn't see me, maybe we can all pretend that I don't see her either ... I do that ... that's how I keep space around myself ... I look away.  Sometimes, you just gotta look away.  And, it seems only mannerly to look away when someone else seems to prefer that.

Here's something kind of precious ... Yesterday my phone rang and I noted an unknown number before I answered.  Turns out it's a kid from one of my private ground school classes from several years back ... do I remember him?  "Sure" I answer "... front row, you were one of my favorites." Truth is, each one of them is one of my favorites and I probably do remember each one of them that were even just a bit serious about the material ... the sorority girls who sat in to drool are kind of a blur ... it was someone elses job to remember those cuties.  This kid was a real stand out ... he insisted loud and proud that his CFI had definitely told him that departure with a tailwind was always preferred.  See ... that's memorable ... you gotta correct the misinformation immediately because you're responsible for about thirty first time "hearer/learners ... at the same time you want to protect the kid's willingness to put it out there.  We went round and round on that that night.  I was so impressed with the kids total commit to what he thought he heard ... even as I got tickled at his ... let's call it stubbornness.  When I ran short on time to mess wiith him, I pulled my phone out and got his CFI on the speakerphone ... it was a good lesson time that night ... the class gelled.  So ... later in the semester, same kid has his team convinced to fly almost due west on an easterly VFR altitude.  I tell his group they better check their stuff "cause they got some stink going on ...  !"  Big personality ... very persuasive.  Yeah ... he was one of my favorites.  Getting ready for his CFI check ride ... he is buzzing!  I could feel it through the phone line.  He wants to know if I will sit down with him and do a little mock run through.  Sure thing.  I am already smiling at the opportunity to see if someone was able to remove the bone from this kid's head ... it was interfering with his hearing!  I think it's really sweet that he called me ... so ... Monday afternoon is set aside for him. 

Okay so the trust post which I have re-posted here was originally written in Oct 2009 . .. about twenty months ago. Trust. I feel so much better about trust stuff. Before, I was having trouble with a sort of all or nothing approach to trusting and really, now I think that is flawed as a procedure ... it's a failed template. I truly believe that God is totally trustworthy ... and if only we could see the big picture, we would accept that as truth. So ... the notes I have made along the way here on True North actually support that opinion. I don't write about all my stuff because it just too private, but these notes remind me of the larger story. I addressed this page "between the radials" as a pun on between the lines ... things left unsaid. Well ... here I am having spent time trying to find God ... following the advice of seek and you will find ... quite frankly, I had my doubts. This is the blog version of what I have discovered so far ... it may seem irreverent but it is certainly not intentionally so.

Again ... I am no theologian and don't want to sway any one's thinking except maybe to say ... find out for yourself ... these are notes on my journey.

God seems to be a lot more interested in a personal relationship then I had previously believed  ... that's a feeling I get.  I thought he might be busy in other ... more critical areas ...busy  like  I am busy, running around putting out fires.  I bet He does do quite a bit of that.  He also seems to be gently blowing on some little sparks trying to start a fire ... a good fire ... the kind that purifies rather then destroys.  In my own little life on this great big little ball which is spinning through time and space (and doesn't even really seem to be moving at all) I have experienced ... healing.  I thought the best I could do was look out for others along the way and pour what little bit of love I might be able to on them ... love others from as big a distance as I could possible keep ... I like a big bubble ... I may hug you, but please do not try to hug me,  In other words, You can trust me, but I'm not willing to take a chance ... risk ... trusting you.  I had been burned (like every one else ... I know) ... and for some reason I was having trouble "getting over it".  There are a lot of walking wounded.  There are a lot of places where I've never been ... places that citizens of the planet  just recognize even if they have no stamps on their passport ... we know about those places because we have seen pictures.  Or an experience that we read about, and close the book with some empathy or at least an inkling.  So ... I wanted a picture of what trusting might look like and over these last several months, I've had several opportunities to see what that feels like and looks like to me.  It's good.  I like how it feels.  The very deep waters of trust are surprising easy to swim in ... float in. I'm not writing about it very clearly right now ... I just want to note that it's been turning out that God does care about the little things ... that's what I think I've noticed.  And probably an even bigger surprise is that he seems to have a sense of humor ... I have felt like He just might be laughing with me as I discover how outrageous He seems to be.  I guess the creator of the universe doesn't fit in a box ... He doesn't feel compelled to color inside the lines that we have drawn around him.  He is a lot cooler then I thought possible.

new notes on old notes ... .

I'm feeling extra thankful tonight - Especially thankful for HGs comment on when I don't know what or how to think about something - ask God to think about it ... some stuff is important - too important to just blow off but too big or maybe too painful for me to wrap my head around. It's not that I don't want to think about it and try to make it better - it's that maybe I can't make it better. Sometimes stuff doesn't get better - sometimes you just gotta agree not to poke each other or hope for stuff that might not happen ... well I guess I'm trying to say some of this stuff is just so tangled up that only God can make it right...and me thinking about it doesn't help. So that's the big idea this week - I do what I can do and leave the big thinking to God.

Looking over old posts I saw this one written in Oct 2009 which was taken off line sometime later. The idea is of giving something that is too much to think about, for whatever reason, to God ... asking God to think about it ... I want to write a little about that this morning 20 months later.
That thinking about thing is complicated and specific. It's a big problem that I really can't do anything about ... that conclusion is a bitter pill which is hard to swallow. I can't do a thing about that.  That sucks. This big problem it affects me ... and my choices on how to deal with it can exacerbate the problem. It's even accurate to note that me seeing this issue as a problem is part of the problem ... that is part of the rub. Somehow I am not supposed to see this too heavy/too much  as a problem.  Weird huh?

Other thoughts come to mind here.  One is a story told to me so long ago that I have forgotten the source. 
A man and his young daughter were  to journey together on a train.  They were waiting to board at a terminal, and were surrounded by their luggage. The little girl was a trooper ... tired, but excited about the adventure.  I can see her in her sweet little traveling attire ... all buttoned up with a big bow in her kinda messy hair ... she has been able to keep up with both of her gloves.  Her Daddy is wearing a long, impeccably tailored, overcoat and a hat ... he is the kind of man who doesn't seem to attract smudges or stray cat hairs ... .  Now the train has settled in at the station, already having blown the sound followed by steamy smoke that trains make when they com to a stop ... it kind of stinks and she covers her nose as the conductor call out "All aboard".  It's time. She reaches for her small satchel and the sweetest little girl purse ... black patent of course ... and her larger suitcase.  Her dad already has it in hand ... he is able to carry all of his baggage ... plus hers ... and he has a free hand for holding ... for helping her climb the almost too steep steps up and in to the passenger car.  She doesn't want to be a burden ... she thinks she should at very least handle her own baggage, knowing that she can drag it along if she must ... she quietly says, "Daddy, I am a big girl now and can carry my own things."  He smiles.  He likes her spirit ... he likes that little sooty smudge on her cheek ... and the cowlick that teases her bangs loose ... his little messy girl is growing up way too fast ... sometimes she thinks she doesn't need him.  "Yes, I know you can carry your own baggage, but it is a heavy load ... and it is my pleasure to assist you."  He smiles at her.  She smiles back at him. As she places her little hand in his steadying, capable clasp, she feels cherished  ... and relieved.  He is also relieved ... truth is, her load is way too heavy for a little thing like her ... yeah, she could manage it, but it would wear her out.  He would like for her to be in top form to enjoy the sights along the way.
... something like that ...
... and this other, a quote ...
"The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready." ~ Thoreau
And an old riddle: If you call the tail a leg, how many legs does a horse have? And the answer is ... Four ... Just because you call the tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.

That's how this thing is ... Doesn't matter what you call it, for me it is a problem. And it's also true that as I circle around it trying to figure out some way ... somewhere to start addressing it ... well, it's not just daunting, it's impossible ... I can't even drag this particular load!  I am traveling with several others ... so very grateful that God is more then able to handle every one's baggage. It's difficult for me to accept that help ... it's just difficult to accept help. 
My girls will pack every travel bag in the house for a few days at the coast ... and we let them ... we help them carry it around, knowing that it's way more then they will be able to manage!  Over the years I have learned that everything I want or need will fit in a canvas tote ... toothbrush, sunshades, couple of swimming suits ... an extra sundress, lip gloss/sunscreen ... my camera ... good to go.  Maybe I am packing too much junk for this little life journey ... .

Back twenty months ago I was looking at a trunk stuffed full of impossible which became too much to think about. So I asked God to think about it. And ... I had an idea of Him maybe spraying something on it to make it disappear. Something like that. Well ... that didn't or maybe I should say hasn't ... that hasn't happened. Not at all.
Maybe I should say I submerged the problem ...  .  Yes, that is a good way to think of it ... it's sorta like an iceberg ... I can see the tip of it above the waterline ... just the tip is not unmanageably scary and the projecting bit serves as a warning ... Sail your little boat over there and stay clear of over here. I need to see what National Geographic has out there on icebergs ... . This particular iceberg hasn't melted. In fact, I think it's accurate to say the water near it has super cooled forming a slippery opaque outer crust ... The iceberg has gotten bigger these past twenty months, but it troubles me less and less.

Over the last twenty months, I've gotten a different perspective on the problem. Seems like most of my stuff has been taken out  ... some of it laundered and refolded ... something broken has been mended ... hmmm.  Seems like that big trunk of impossible maybe isn't even my burden to carry ... I know it says somewhere in the Book that we are never asked to carry more then we are able to ... and yet I have been dragging some stuff along the way. ... double duh.  Maybe it's even possible that me keeping my hands on the impossible has enabled or (ugh ... enabled is an ugly word ... it makes me partially responsible ... ) I guess what I'm thinking is me dragging that particular load makes it kinda my load ... and if I would just leave it alone, maybe we wouldn't have to take it to the beach with us ... or ... maybe someone else who likes to travel with a lot of stuff can see how heavy that gets ... and maybe how unnecessary it is.  Or maybe it's more respectful to think of it this way ... without making a judgement call on the necessary-ness of the load, maybe just acknowledge that either I need help with it, or it's gotta find another way to the beach, cause ... it's too much for me.  Demasiado.  No mas ... .  That's what I'm rethinking about today.

wonder why trust is such a big deal to me (Written in 2009)

Trust ... Written in 2009. I was working pretty hard on trust ... Trusting people so that I could look at the possibility of trusting God. A friendship blew-apart quite suddenly. I "trusted" this person. A good person. Some of their baggage fell out of the overheads on a day that my "stuff" was all over the place. The situations had nothing to do with each other, just two people over loaded with private issues. We "zinged" each other. We haven't talked since, though I think I did try. I ended up learning a lot of important stuff right here in the fall out from this mess. I could have been compassionate. I could have maybe compartmentalized my stuff better. Instead ... I went for the jugular. Lol. Friend did too. No survivors of this friendship. (note added 2012 three and a half years later. I wish friend well)


I am starting to think about this in a different way - I am trying to look at it from a different vantage point - I am trying to understand why trust is so fragile - almost beyond my ability to live with in - so hard to put into practice. I think I am trustworthy. I think honesty is part of that and I definitely try to be honest. I believe I am someone who can be trusted. I have trouble trusting other people -
these are some of my note/quotes/ideas on trust. I do believe I can trust God and I think that is primary and maybe even "enough"...
"when you can't trace his hand, trust his heart." It's easy to confuse my experiences with life with my expectations about God. and yet they are not even comparable... and... I may be expected to be able only to act within my experiences... lately I have worked on trust...I chose to trust someone and it went really well for a while ... the person didn't become untrustworthy but somethings bad happened in some other areas in my life and I was suddenly rolled up like a pill bug unable to trust anyone and all I am really trying to do is see a way - my way clear to trust God - I think that doesn't get stronger by practicing trust even "on" trustworthy people ... it's not like lifting weights so that I may build a stronger body so that someday i may be able to run through the wet sand with grandchildren...it's just something like faith...we just do it This is one of my areas - I am trying to do some basic life work here - I think some resolution to this issue would be nice to grow old with...I am glad that I don't hold animosty towards those who have hurt my trust - I realize that we are all messed up and most of the people I hang around with are genuinely trying to do their best.

"We're never so vulnerable than when we trust someone - but paradoxically,if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy"


"To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved."


"The two pillars of 'political correctness' are:
a) willful ignorance
b) a steadfast refusal to face the truth”
~George MacDonald


The key is to get to know people and trust them to be who they are. Instead, we trust people to be who we want them to be- and when they're not, we cry.” ~idk

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”
~Neil Gaiman quotes


“Love comes when manipulation stops; when you think more about the other person than about his or her reactions to you. When you dare to reveal yourself fully. When you dare to be vulnerable.”~Dr.Joyce Brothers


"Love means exposing yourself to the pain of being hurt, deeply hurt by someone you trust."
~idk
"Faith is not belief without proof, but trust without reservation"

~idk

You see THAT girl, yeah her. She seems so invincible right. but just touch her & she'll flinch.She has secrets & she trusts no one.she's the perfect example of betrayal. cause everyone she trusted, broke her ~idk

"Someone who trusts can never be betrayed, only mistaken"~idk

T S Eliot
"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence. "Those who trust us educate us."

"You must live in the present,launch yourself on every wave,find your eternity in each moment."
"To be a philosopher is not merely to have subtle thoughts, nor even to found a school, but to so love wisdom as to live according to its dictates a life of simplicity, independence, magnanimity and trust.”
~Henry David Thoreau - you gotta adore Thoreau

Marbles ... spheres of colored glass. When we were little we played marbles pretty much all the time. We would have friendly little games and sometimes week long tournaments. Somehow in my group of marble shooters it became understood that at the end of the high stakes session around the circle, everyone would get their marbles back ... no keeps ... you could admire the marbles you had won in that particular round and maybe even brag among yourselves about how many times that particular marble had been warmed in your sweet little hand ... but even the crybabies knew that their marbles were only being shared ... briefly ... every marble would go home in a familiar pouch or coffee can. No doubt that hard and fast rule was devised by the moms.

I forgot about playing marbles around the same time that I started wearing my hair in a ponytail rather then two too tight braids ... probably the same year I got my first bow (the kind that comes with arrows) ... probably the summer my brother fell out of a tree and broke his arm. Later ... strolling through a junk store (aka antique shop) I walked up on a mason jar full of old marbles ... I recognized the vintage with my own eyes ... the same eyes that had rested a few inches from a red dirt circle lining up a shot. Some one's junk ... a reminder of treasured moments now recalled. Ring 'em up please. That was the beginning of my marble collection. I especially like round pieces of glass. Remember the movie Men in Black? Orion's belt (the cat's collar) holds a universe ... tiny and perfect ... precious like borrowed moments in the sun ... moments infused with alive ... it looks like a marble. I like to remember those carefree days ... laying on my tummy or sitting cross-legged on the ground drawing circles in the dirt and playing ... just playing ... everyone knew it wasn't for keeps ... the rules of engagement were specific ... just for fun.

     
“Most people are on the world, not in it - having no conscious sympathy or relationship to anything about them - undiffused, separate, and rigidly alone like marbles of polished stone, touching but separate” ~ John Muir

This is what I'm thinking ... I know I want to wake up every morning looking forward to something to do that day ... I like to do stuff ... I like to see things "done".  Housework is not horrible, but it's really not very rewarding ... and, I'm caught up on the big projects (except the garage which I'm not sure I want to tackle ... the stuff out there is heavy... and it's really hot out there ... and ... ) ... if I don't have a job flight instructing by the end of September, I'm going to find a different job.  Knowing that makes me feel a lot better.  The open ended-ness of this is driving me bonkers!  I have the opportunity to do ... something ... call it constructed relevance ... there must be something useful for my time.
Today ... Sammy took an hour and twenty minutes to do a hour walk ... even first thing early (before coffee kinda early) it was hot hot hot.  I am a little worried about the pads of his feet ... I'm staying just in our neighborhood which is mostly shady.  We gotta walk ... ! 
At the water park today with V I had a wonderful time floating in the lazy river and watching clouds form and build ... nothing substantial, but when we first got there there wasn't a cloud in the sky ... well a few wisps of icy cirrus but nothing lower ... when we left a couple hours later we had probably 3/8 coverage.  She had a great time floating ... pulling me along ... laughing at boys her age showing off in the wave pool ... and racing me up several flights of stairs so we could blur down the curling water slides.  I was begging for a break due to more small slices of skin missing with each run ... you're supposed to keep your ankle cross and you arms also crossed over your chest ... well ... that is pretty boring.  She was unrelenting, declaring,"You know it's totally worth it Mom!"  Uh ... maybe.  I am wondering why the fiberglass slides have burrs ... I'm wondering if they are failing ... .  We have a summer pass so I'm sure I'll have bunches of opportunities to conduct high speed inspections.  I loved floating on my back in the gently moving water looking at the sky ... watching it change and playing guessing games with the contrails ... it wasn't very windy up in the flight levels today ... simple pleasures.
The picture here ... appetizer for Sunday lunch. Grilled shrimp.  For some reason I really like to pop these oysters open.  I like how they look closed ... all the stuff that attaches to them ... the muted colors are very pleasing for some reason.  Those delicious little Mexican limes and the spiciest red sauce ever ... yummy.

I made peach sorbet and vanilla ice cream for dessert. The peaches were so perfectly ripe that the fuzz just burst right off of them ... people around here are pretty proud of the Chilton county peaches ... idk ... .  The new ice cream makers sure make it an non-event. Nothing says summer like homemade ice cream though.

Oh! Almost forgot ... there is a cardinal sitting on a new nest in the rose vine.  Pretty soon there will be a new bunch of chirpers for me to watch over coffee.  Her beak is the color of theses peaches and I can't wait to see what baby cardinals look like.  The male cardinal built this nest ... out of mostly pine straw.  It is a different looking nest then what the finch family used ... that one was left over from last year and touched up before the eggs were placed there.  This little cardinal has a deeper, more rounded nest.  She is also a bigger bird.  I am enjoying watching a bit ... .  It was so much fun to see that last batch leave their nest and fly ... kind of amazing really. 

The pilot who left this field to fly the F4 and later on to the airlines ... and much later back here to pour his grouchy ole self in to so many younger pilots ... I can almost say I adore him, but that term is reserved for someone else already ... hmmm ... admire isn't a big enough word ... . Well, I've never known anyone like this man, and I have tremendous respect for him as a man, a pilot, a leader, a prankster (omgfunny), a family man ... a role model and mentor.  Maybe I do almost adore him.  This month he says he's done ... his sweetheart has completed her career objectives and they are going to travel and probably sleep late on every continent.  The boys are planning something hushhush ... I got a save a date text and immediately responded yes ... haven't heard a peep since.  
Dang it ... I had written a whole little bit on what I think is up and then I remembered that some of those goofballs check in on me here from time to time ... oh well.
I can't even imagine this program without his presence ... there have been several chiefs out there these last few years, but only one leader ... a leader is chosen, not hired.  He has discreetly made his opinions known then supported whatever is mandated by the chief ... masterfully so. His interest has always been in support of the guys as they make their first important industry decisions.  Been there done that is an invaluable contribution.
I sure hope the upper management figures out a way to keep him on retainer ... . That's what I am lobbying for.  Just keep an office open for him in case he wants to pop his head in from time to time.  He is their best asset ... no doubt.

I want to note this as an encouragement to myself.  I'm at one of those rough places in life where it's just difficult to know what's best.

Yesterday, after church, M stopped me just outside the front door.  She is someone I relate to ... quiet ... a lady who watches everything but rarely comments ... willing to pitch in anytime, but always without fanfare.  Frequently over the past 15 years our eyes have met and we smile at each other as we sweep the room ... her from over there, me from over here.  I admire her life.  It has been a good one.

It was extremely unusual for her to stop me ... and hug me.  She doesn't even come up to my shoulders, but she is not at all frail ... just petite. I leaned down to hug her back and she whispered, "You have grown up to be a strong beautiful girl."  The words meant something to me, but I played it down answering, "It's nice to be seen as a girl here in my mid 50s ... ." I smiled at her when she told me that she is in her mid 90s ... she said "You are still a girl and you are stronger then you've realized, but now you know."  How did she see that from over there?  That's all she wanted to say.  That was something I needed to hear.  Sometimes church happens out on the front porch in the  blazing Sunday heat.

This is how it happened.  The nest is on my front porch and I walked out there.  Momma bird came through an openning in the rose vine and made a very impressive high speed turn just below the nest.  She was chirping.  All of the baby birds followed her as she transitioned from the vine to the open air between the house and the pecan tree.  They flew.  They flap, flap, flapped themselves to a perch on the lowest, closest branches.  After a brief pause they flew together to a higher more interior perch ... then they flew across the yard to an oak tree.  They followed their mother bird back and forth between the trees for a while before the flew across the driveway and in to the neighbor's peach tree ... where another back and forth took place.  Then they disappeared heading towards the next neighbor's trees.  The nest sits empty ... sweet memories remain.

Friday evening we did see X-men. Uhmmmm ... Maybe my expectations were too high ... Some of the special effects were pretty tight ... Those alone were probably worth the cost of admission, but ... The story just wasn't compelling. The new Bond trailer stole the night ... I know it was a new Bond movie because of the music ... Bond theme skillfully threaded in to something new. The musical expression was quite good. Sly like 007. Yeah ... Daniel what's his name with the soulless eyes was another huge hint. X-men ... If you have the wonderful luxury of seeing several movies a month ... Worth seeing ... If not ... Save your time and money (maybe even for Green Hornet). My husband wants to see Aliens and Cowboys. I have liked aliens ... I definitely like cowboys ... together? This I would take a pass on ... not fond of people being lassoed like ... Well, I don't even want to go there. Roping people is a troubling graphic. Bet the good guys win though.

Big news of the day ... Baby birds flew the nest. They were magnificent! I'll write a note about that when I'm not happytapping on my phone!

This feels like a  different time in my life. I feel like I am looking at the right stuff and asking the right questions of myself. I feel stronger and more centered then I ever have outside an airplane or in some other demanding and specific situations. I feel good. I felt better in the plane the other day, but ... I'm okay with how things are there. It is what it is. I know what I would like to do flying wise and it may work out ... I hope so.

Hmmm ... tonight I was thinking about how I sometimes say I wish this or that ... and it surprised me to read about those little wishes here. What is a wish ... a whim? A wish doesn't seem to have enough substance to become an objective or a goal.  A wish doesn't high five me a go for it ... that's what I thought. Lately I've leaned that a wish may actually  be clothed in words you dare not utter. I don't do this, but I probably should ... definitely have friends who do. They have an outfit that is so flamboyant or a nail polish color that is wildly inappropriate ... they have a delightful secret thing that stays inside the house. I have never been that kind of person ... I love my hole-y vans ... they delight me and shouldn't worry others! I guess what I'm saying is ...I 've always dared to without even thinking of it as daring.  We grew
up on dares the same way some kids grow up ice skating in Central Park.  I feel that, the need to dance with a dare, taking a few steps back in me right now ...   I feel that reigning in. It has nothing to do with what someone else may think ... I still probably don't care enough about that .... I don't know how to describe it quite. More centered is probably the best I can do with it ... I have wishes that I will restrain myself from wishing. Maybe I am growing up a bit (uh ... not so bad! ... it does go nicely with the grey streaking my hair) .  I dreamed a dream that is best enjoyed as a dream. Now I need to dare to see what is real.

A Wish Your Heart Makes lyrics (Cinderella)

A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're fast asleep
In dreams you lose your heartaches
Whatever you wish for, you keep
Have faith in your dreams and someday
Your rainbow will come smiling thru
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
the dream that you wish will come true

...slightly different topic .... this was interesting to me ... for the first time ever I had a dream in which I was sitting in the drivers seat of a vehicle ... not a plane ... I dream of flying planes routinely. It was cool. It was like the Jetsen's car but without the bubble top. It felt almost round and it tilted as I checked what, in my dream, I thought of as the operational parameters ... I went through a run up of sorts and stuff lit up. It actually felt a bit like an airplane with with no pitch and very limited roll ... it was linear. The good part for me at this time in my life is that I wasn't a passenger sitting beside or in the backseat ... I was actively engaged.  Sitting in a seat and not knowing how to make the thing work is not a new dream for me ... I wrote about the other time I dreamed a dream like that ... I woke up sitting in a C172.  That dream was near the beginning of my flight training and well ... flight training has meant quite a bit more to me then the ability to fly a plane well ... it has built me as a person ... it has provided the frame of reference that holds the evolving picture of my life. 

When You Wish Upon A Star lyrics (Pinocchio)

When you wish upon a star
Makes no difference who you are
Anything your heart desires
Will come to you

If your heart is in your dream
No request is too extreme
When you wish upon a star
As dreamers do

Fate is kind
She brings to those who love
The sweet fulfillment of
Their secret longing

Like a bolt out of the blue
Fate steps in and sees you through
When you wish upon a star
Your dreams come true.

One of my friends recently stated ... kinda jokingly, but it pierced through the fun conversation and focused me on serious matters ... "Fate is the hunter."  Yeah, a reference to the book.  The book is an aviation classic.  I had been putting off reading it in favor of time given to the Naval Aviator ... turns out, I feel it's an important part of a pilot's education ... and well written.  You  ... well, I ... couldn't quite grasp the mystical implications of this statement: Fate is the hunter. I have seen, from my plane, the eyeballs of a pilot in a different plane ... a pilot who said he was somewhere else as I joined the downwind from a 45 entry ... he was overflying the field at tpa when I saw him up close and personal ... he said, "Opps ... my bad!"  Yeah ... really. Had I been flying just the slightest little bit faster ... or the winds been just a tad more aggressive ... or ... any number of things ... we could easily have had an unpleasant outcome.  It wasn't my time. That real life happening reminds me not to believe everything I hear spoken as sincere fact ... a misrepresentation isn't always intentional but in the long run, intent doesn't always matter.
Seems like fate may very well be the hunter ... and maybe that is as it should be. I feel determined me ... the planner ... the worker me ... relaxing just a bit.  Calculating the risks involved to important others ... as I contemplate wishing upon a star or not ... feels like wishing time is over.  Fate very well may step in and see me through ... .  I feel responsible to look out for the loves in my life before myself ... as I'm pretty sure most people do.  Rough landings are probably more difficult for the Pax then they are for the pilot.  As I've noted before ... love complicates things.  And ... I really don't believe wishes come true.  Sure Uncle Walt helped with the emotional education of several generations of impressionable children ... and I still love the Disney classics ... .  But life has taught me that it takes more then a magic feather to fly ... . ... and wishing stars really are for dreamers.  That may be a bit more cynical then I truly am ... I am just tired. 

I liked the line from the recent Pirate movie ... Cap'n Jack choose not to know where fate might find him ... "It's a pirate's life for me!" he said.  I am no pirate ... (and I am no mermaid as the song I like to  listen to here, goes) ... but I do like an adventure ... especially when my eyes are open.

It is so hot here that even though the air-conditioner is humming happily away I am still hot from yesterday!  Too hot to walk the dog ... even with the crew cut he is currently sporting.  As soon as he hears the coffee grinder he's front paws up on the kitchen window sill looking for me ... we make eye contact and I am almost sure he's wondering why no walk ... it's bearable on the concrete floored back porch ... in the shade and still what is going to have to pass for cool ... last year I ran a box fan for him ... the kids want me to put a wading pool out there.  Do I let him in the house?   Sure, all the time, but he doesn't just lay in front of the refrigerator like you'd think he would.  He likes to eat my starfish collection and that's not the worst of it ... he is a persistent attention hog!  Maybe I can walk him after sunset tonight.  Poor dog.

I've been thinking about that visit with my buddy yesterday ...

He asked me how I am doing ... I guess I should acknowledge that he is a friend here ... he knows my life ... well at least the last many years of it ... they come over for dinner enough that he actually feels comfortable making special requests ... so more then a buddy. Normally when people ask that question they get the answer they want ... I am fine - you ... ?  Seems like we like to keep our distance.
Well ... anyway ... I surprised him by answering, "I am fine ... maybe even better then ever."
I caught his eyebrows up on the first stall recovery.  How is it so easy to run two ... make that three conversations (with communications outside the airplane) concurrently?  How do we flip back and forth with ease between airplane talk and personal conversations?

Let me see if I can write an example of that.  I'm already laughing because I know this is going to be a mess.
Yesterday, there was an army helicopter tracking NE bound at he said 500' we assumed MSL of course, but chatted about that briefly ... the terrain around here varies from maybe 350' to around 900'MSL ... tall trees ... this area is where paper comes from ... anyway, he was nervous, I could tell by the number of position reports he gave starting with my departure call on 36 ...it is true that  my stated intentions could possibly take me right over him ... with no less then 1000' vertical clearance.  I was already at 1600MSL on my downwind departure towards the SW ... he kept on interrupting my flow with now I'm here kinda reports ... "Now I am over the lake due South of your field" ... hahaha, which one someone might have asked ... it was easy to hear the tension in his voice ... poor kid.  To my buddy I said  "See if you can find him out there by OPOLE" ... a maker beacon near the lakes south of the field ... to him I said, kindly I thought, "Blahblah area helicopter trafffic WE543  1600' climbing  3000' and will not be a factor."  "Okay, thanks"   Maybe he was afraid of the woman pilot ... maybe it was the haze or maybe his first helicopter solo ... who knows?  Before that I just had click clicked his reports cause I was busy flying my own business ... these high traffic uncontrolled areas can be pretty stressful in the haze especially ... my buddy said, "That was real nice."  and I said "Poor kid has his panties in a knot ..."   We heard from him again as he transitioned East of the field ... never saw him ... probably made 10 different reports within a five nm radius.  
I like to fly with no off grid chittychat until we reach cruise and get everything airplane tidied up.  Partly, because I don't really care to hear what most people have to say ... arund here it's not uncommon to hear pilots making arrangements to meet their buds at the BBQ house.  I prefer quiet mostly because flying and low altitude distractions give me the willies.  As I said ... tall trees are everywhere!  My bud was acting like a passenger ... actually on his phone texting on short final ... that's okay, I was the flying pilot, but I did release rudder control on the roll once just to make him jump ... he red lined alert like a man who has given a few too many stage one check rides ... mean me is still kinda chuckling about it ... no, it wasn't unsafe ... just a reminder that he's on the clock here! 
Well ... my friend/check pilot wanted to talk and between him and the other talkers in the area, I was extremely happy to be flying the plane myself. 
 I'm going to try to recount the conversations as the words bounced back and forth between my brief responses to his running dialogue and the appropriate airplane talk ...

Him: blahblahblahblah
Me: no way!
Piloting Me with no break: Slow flight 'til I see Little Texas (a grass field)
Pilot Him: good call (a route to a safe landing site is always a good thing)
Him: blahblahblah so how are you really ... ?
Pilot Me: there's the water tower (pointing) 11:00 (Little Texas is identified)
Pilot Him (looking out the window): power off (Let's see your power off stall and more importantly but never stated ... the recovery)
Pilot Me: this will be turning ... eyes on the ball ... (I haven't done one of these in three months ... back me up on keeping it coordinated ... an uncoordinated nose high attitude ... fully stalled ... could get interesting fast as in  a spin)
Me: I am fine ... maybe even better then ever
PM: there it is... (Buffeting then nose drops)
full stall recovery
PH: nice ..
Him:  ... how do you like that confirm flap thing ... (laughing) ... (... someone pulled the gear up switch when they meant to retract the flaps in an Arrow ... flaps lever between seats like my jeep's parking break in the Arrow ... not over there where the flaps are in the R models ... that is the gear switch though idk how he got it pulled out and up thinking it was flaps ... idk what was up with the squat switch ... idk how they hit the tail ... must have been off the ground in ground effect when someone yanked the flaps as I hear the story ...I don't know why they retracted flaps if they were airborne and barey above the runway ...  it's a long and tedious tale with many variations depending on the teller and falls in to the category mentioned above ... tail strike ensued ... then a stack of new SOPs to address which includes "all instructors will verbally state confirm flaps before student input ..."  yeah ... in a R model Cessna ... not even an RG.)  ... you were a little quick on the flaps there girlfriend ...
Me (laughing): ... how do y'all bear it... ?   I spent 30 minutes reading PIFs!
PM: yeah ... good recovery with no (visual) horizon (crazy hazy) ... hit the strobes ...
Him (eyebrows up somehow communicated): ...better then ever ... how's that work?
Me: Yeah ... I think I'm looking at the right stuff  in the right way ...
PM: ... let's go do some laps. ... y'all's checklists are in the toilet ... (I point to the sticky spot where the climb, descent, before... checklists are usually clearly posted like a placard)
PH:  Yeah ... it's not  a placard (defensive ... it's hard to see things not just right when you can't fix them) (
PM: Hit my landing lights please (sorry I said anything ... I do know the procedure w/o a prompt)
Him: What do you mean...?
Me:  I have recently realized that I use flying as a means of escape from thinking about stuff that is more important ... I think maybe we all do that with what we call work ... work is really not as important as life ... I've been sitting around figuring that out.
Him: Yeah ... that's true ... but life is expensive ... .
PM: Where the hell is the airport?  Do you have it yet? (No response) Okay ... I know we left it right over there. (I'm looking for traffic on the 45 ... they've made the call ... we are above them and away from them too) ... Tell me when you have something, I'd like to descend (I'm still looking ...the GPS puts us 4.9 west of ...) ... .
Me: Yeah ... this quiet time has been good for me ... maybe I'll get to a point where I can do both ... still trying to figure out some stuff that matters more right now though.  I stopped wishing for what I wish for and started looking at how to proceed with what I've got ... almost got distracted wishing for something else that's equally impossible ...  Man, I miss flying ... .
PM: Blahblahblah traffic ME543 4 mile 45  for 36 descending through 2000' for 1600' ... .
Him: Dang ...  it is so hot ... tell UNICOM to turn the air conditioner on the runway on ... I have another flight right behind this one ... .

Kinda like that ...  plus every 123.00 frequency within range ... sometimes 100s of miles away!  And I was monitoring ATL when inbound just in case we had IFR traffic in the vicinity ... it was really hazy.

Man I miss flying where things are understandable ... pretty clear even in the haze.  Out here in the real world where life is lived and souls are constructed ... stuff sometimes just doesn't make sense ... . You can't study an airport diagram when you have no idea which way you're headed or even if there's adequate fuel to get there.  And the weather enroute ... it's the weather that frets me the most.  In real life, metaphorical weather never shows up on my radar!  The antonym for joy was what ... fear?  I think it was fear ... fear of the unknowns stealing one's joy.  I literally feel it in my shoulders as I type this morning.  My experience as a pilot has been that there are just enough unknowns that I am just confident enough that I can handle to make the trip interesting.  I can pre-manage many of the unknowns making them somewhat knowable ... I am prepared (I think) for some potentially unpleasant pop-ups ... when I am actually in an airplane.

WORDS

photo via A-Mused/Fr. Chircop

...still thinking about the good Christian idea ... the Bible talks about the fruit of the spirit being increasing evident in the life of a Christian

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, ²³ gentleness and self-control ... against such things there is no law.  ~Galatians 5:22-23 NIV

This might be one way to look at what is a good Christian ... one problem with this approach that is immediately apparent is these are just words and words mean different things to different people ... love, for example.  In English there is but one word to express the many faces of love.  Well ... the devil is in the details ... I think I'll try a broad brush approach this morning and work down from there ... just like a painting.
love .......................................................indifference
joy  .....................................................................fear
peace ..................frustration or obscurity/vagueness
forbearance.....impatience or harshness or stiffness
kindness ........................................malice or cruelty
goodness ........................................pride or cunning
faithfulness ...................................................breach
gentleness ............................pride, power, authority
self control ...................self-indulgent or impulsive

other notes and synonyms for ...

love: affection, adoration, friendship, tenderness, feeling, fondness, devotion, passion, ardor, amity joy: happiness, delight, pleasure, enjoyment, bliss, ecstasy, elation, joyfulness, thrill, gladness, exultation, rapture ... delight, jewel, wonder, treasure, pearl  ... another antonym for joy is sadness peace: peacetime, amity, harmony, armistice, reconciliation, ceasefire, accord, goodwill ... calm, quiet,stillness,tranquility, silence, harmony, serenity ... antomyms for = war, uproar, forbearance:  patience, self-control, restraint, tolerance, moderation, leniency.  The capacity of enduring hardship or inconvenience without complaint: long-suffering, patience, resignation, tolerance kindness: compassion, gentleness, sympathy, kindheartedness, benevolence, thoughtfulness, humanity, consideration, helpfulness, charity antomym for may be wrath goodness: moral excellence, virtue/virtuous faithfulness: hinges on what we value and is combined with commitment to what one percieves as truly important.  The opposite of faithfulness is breach which stands for the seisure and usurption of rights. It is one of the meanest qualities and nastiest manners which cause indignity, failure, and disappointment ... not my words, found elsewhere, but I can't now find to footnote! gentleness: mildness, tenderness, mellowness, quietness, softness, tranquilness, peacefulness, restfulness self-control ... kinda surprises me that a word with self is included on the list, because it seems like Christians are encouraged away from self.  But ... self-control may be describe as restraint, will power, discipline, strenght of mind or will Somethings to think about ... and errands to run! And on 3 September I saw this beautiful graphic and asked for permission to put it here. I saw it on his site A-MUSED , a blog I enjoy looking in on occasionally ... usually very thought provoking. I was interested to see another person exploring a similar idea, and of course the graphic rocks. I was happy when he was okay with me saving a copy of it here.

This is absolutely the best yogurt I've ever seen in a grocery store. There are several flavors available ... I don't prefer the peach ... bitter ... or the honey ... honey was absent. All the other flavors are delicious.  I eat this with frozen seedless grapes and a sprinkle of walnuts.  So good.
My favorite summer food for sure.

Another 200 bucks worth of rental checkout ... wow.  I told him it would be nice if we could double-dip me on a Flight Review ... we'll have to meet next week for the ground ... I'm going to figure out some interesting questions for that hour ... and I'll pay for lunch ... he eats only one meal a day so ... well, it is both disturbing and fascinating to see that many groceries consumed at once. ... I'm thinking all you can eat sushi/hibachi grill.  This kid ... I say kid ...he has kids himself ... I've flown quite a bit with both him and his wife ... they are as close to me as anyone who doesn't share my last name ... as the joke goes ... this kid is a Naval Academy grad and more then anyone else I ever hang out with he likes aerodynamics ... I do too. Some blog I wandered in to was talking about spin recovery and a discussion on aileron neutral and the whys and wherefores of that.  It's taught aileron neutral ... increasing the angle would seem to tighten up the spin or stall the wing even further depending on the input ... to me ... I am not an engineer, just casually thinking about this.  The blogger didn't agree and offered some discussion on why ... interesting.  That will be one of our topics.

The flight was good for me.  I was in a pissy mood this morning.  I actually thought about cancelling the flight because this is supposed to be fun and I wasn't sure I would be up for fun.  And it was so hot. The mood out there was rough.  One of the guys who I sat in CFI ground school with this time last year said he has flown only about 10 hours this whole past year towards his training ... I can't even imagine how depressing that must feel.  A lot of the guys go to Alaska and get their seaplane stuff done for fun when they finish the CFI certificate ... We were all joking around about heading up there when the last of the class finishes ... uh ... today I told them to not feel bad about going without me ... I may not qualify for a medical by then!  The last two guys hired out there ... from our CFI class both have interviews with ASA next week ... they are both outstanding candidates for that route.  Those birds are flyng out of that nest!  Still no plans to hire more nstructors I hear.  The plane I flew today wasn't ship shape ... baggage compartment was left open and there was trash all over the floor ... big pieces and little pieces ... a placard was even down and the avionics switch was left on ... tsk tsk.  I left feeling good about not working there ... although I still want a job.

The profile today was just slow flight, stalls and cruise ... unbelievably hazy.  I didn't have one single landing that I was proud of ... the energy just seemed squirrelly today ... didn't want to climb I expected that, but was very surprised that it didn't want to land ... next week I'll go out and just do laps if I can get away and have the money for that ... we will see.

The parent birds seem to be trying to coax the birds out of the nest. I may get to see them fly today ... pretty sweet stuff.

This is "out to eat night" for our family.  I opted out because I wanted some alone time.  Three, wise beyond his years asked ... "What did you really expect ... you have three daughters."  Summer is in full bloom!
So ... the Christian thing.  Yes, I have been thinking about it just a bit today.  Here's where I am at so far ...
What is a Christian ... seems like an answer to that would be "someone who believes Jesus is Christ ... the Son of God.  But, of course that must be incomplete, because even the fallen angels, including Satan, believe Jesus is the Son of God.  Apparently the word christian is used only three times in the Bible ...  (Acts 11:26; 26:28; 1 Peter 4:16) ... it seems to me that a more accurate description of Christian would be follower of Christ.  So ... Christian is not about good moral values or religion or the ten commandments or living in a Christian Nation or going to church or ... well ... it's not about a lot of good things.  It seems to be about acknowledging who Christ really is ... the Son of the creator ... and choosing to accept His mercy ... 'cause ... quite frankly. we are all a mess. That's what I think I have noticed.   Titus 3:5 says, “He saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit."

It seems like to me that a  Christian is someone who has been born again by God (John 3:3; John 3:7; 1 Peter 1:23) and has put faith and trust in Jesus Christ.  It seems to be a gift offered to all ... a gift of grace ...  Ephesians 2:8 “…by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God.”

This is good ...   John 1:12 tells us, “Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God.”  That idea is the basis for what I am trying to express when I talk about choices. Becoming.   It amazes me, from an artistic point of view, that a creator allows the created to collaborate by choice.  I was created as a soul ... enrobed in a very cool earth suit ... and given a choice.  Choice is a big deal.  The first choice in the process towards becoming what you are created to become seems to me to be ... place yourself in the creators hands.  Sort of a trust thing ... more then that, but it's a primary ingredient, surely. 

Religion wants it's say in the matter ... there are as many interpretations of what God is saying to mankind as there are egos on the planet.  I don't have any of the answer to religious puzzles.  I know what I think about a few of the big concepts that are interesting to me.
Like ... why a sacrifice ... why the cross.
Like why an original sin ... and the introduction of sin in to an otherwise innocent existence
I like to wonder about  an eternal soul ... if there is no end, doesn't a beginning beg a question or two?

Well ... once what a Christian is is settled in one's mind it seems that the notion of good or bad becomes ... mute.  This is what I mean ... some one offers me a gift ... I accept it ... . Now it is mine.  There is no good or bad around that.

How do you like to open your gifts?  Do you tear in to them ... do you savor the process?  Do you save the paper ... read the card first ... ?  Are you appreciative of the gift or ... is it not the right color ... too large .. .doesn't fit ... not what you wanted ... not what you expected?  Then what ... what do I choose to do with the gift.  That's a pretty important choice, and one I think that we make almost continuously.
It seems to me that a  Christian is encouraged to choose to love others and obey to God’s Word (1 John 2:4, ).   That's more then the Ten Commandments  ... and I think it's a bit of a process this obedience to God's word (because you have to be familiar with His word to even know how to follow it ... .)  I really do see it as an initial choice that leads to many other choices ... collaboration enriched by relationship ... a loving relationship. 

That's what I'm thinking about tonight.  I am a Christian.  I accepted a gift that I didn't earn and didn't deserve ... none of those qualifiers even came in to the picture because the gift is wasn't something I could somehow acquire on my own ...  it was a gift of grace offered freely to all by God.
That's it for now ... and again ... this is just what I think.  I definitely don't have the whole thing worked out ... . I don't even think I do.

Hugo quotes

"Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent."

"Certain thoughts are prayers. There are moments when, whatever be the attitude of the body, the soul is on its knees."

"Have courage for the great sorrows of life and patience for the small ones; and when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task, go to sleep in peace. God is awake." 

"Like our dawn, merely a sob of light."

"Wisdom is a sacred communion."  —Victor Hugo on Christianity

And the dream that our mind had sketched in haste Shall others continue, but never complete. For none upon earth can achieve his scheme; The best as the worst are futile here: We wake at the self-same point of the dream,-- All is here begun, and finished elsewhere."  —Victor Hugo on Dreams

This will probably be my last photo of this group ... they are close to flying and I don't want to risk startling them out of the nest. Today, I saw them stand up on unsteady little legs, reaching towards their mother for a meal. How do they go from here to fending for themselves ... I wonder.

baby birds

daddy bird

Two days ago a cardinal started delivering pine straw a few branches down the way from this nest. Today there is a tight clean little empty nest there ... it's a mystery ... I see bits of the journey ... not enough to know the story though.

My recollection of the Commercal checkride ... after the bird notes

The birds have been such a pleasure to watch.  There are five babies ... their nest is so crowded now that they appear to be a glop of feathers.  Several times I have seen two adult birds there feeding and tending to the nest.  Could it possibly be a shared nest ... or maybe a helper bird sister.  This morning they were both there and facing my window.  I never get a decent shot through the glass and screen, but my trusty Canon Power shot was ready ... just in case.  One of the birds immediately flew away as I not so stealthily approached the window.  I think the momma bird is just used to me now.  The other bird perched on the rose vine just a little down the way from the nest ... and I saw him.  That answers that question.  I have seen him before ... earlier in this process.  He has a poppy red throat and face with a red hooded robe which mutes to grayish brown over his pearly pajamas pants... yeah, that's what it looks like here early in the morning.  Momma bird is quiet by comparison. She is a lovely petite tidy thing ... already in starched white and jeans, stone washed to brown, for the day ... with  discreet black beaded eyes.  She is on task.
What is important to her ... I wonder.  She tends her nest.  I see her out ... busy ... in my front yard ... she rocks the insect hunt!  I've seen her walking in the flowerbed ... strolling among the hostas and hydrangeas.  Maybe that's her I hear singing from the pecan tree.  Is she always nearby?  She is a graceful flyer ... do her wings carry her to a place where she cannot see the nest.  I doubt it.
This nest is getting ready to become empty.  I have had the great pleasure of seeing this before and I pray I will be nearby to see this batch take flight. 
I wish I could identify the type ... .  Uh oh!  I am remembering my Granny's sister.  O'Chesas was my Gran's older sister (Granny's name was Grace Eunice ... her dad pronounced it U nee cee).  G'Aunt O'Chesas looked 100% American Indian save the scariest icey blue eyes you've ever seen (really ...like the new James Bond).  For that reason alone I was petrified of her!  Part of my annual visit with my grandparents included berry picking with my Great Aunt ... her little granddaughter made the trip over from California each summer.  Once the berries were picked, we were free to sit and giggle on the sun porch while the sisters made jelly ... or jam ... delicious sun drenched delight in a bell jar.  The reason I recall this as I sit here thousands of minutes and miles away is my aunt carried binoculars on these berry picking expeditions and would entreat us to leave plenty for the birds.  Sometimes I would try to see what she saw through the field glasses.  Mostly though, her interest in the birds just added to her mystique!  I grew up in Houston ... birds were of the steel variety ... or at the zoo.  I bet she would know the name of this variety of bird ... I can only guess that it is a finch of some sort.  I cannot find a picture of either of them online.

I hear a C172 flying over right now.  All the bird chatter ceased as the biglittle metal bird cast a long shadow on the ground.  Sigh. 
Here's something which might be interesting.  My husband, who has known me for quite some time made the observation last night that I am not a good Christian.  That is probably true.  He says I have a good heart.  For some reason ... probably something inappropriate...  but really I don't know why even after I thought about it ... for some reason that made and continues to make me laugh.  No, I do not think being a not good Christian is funny ... I think it's funny to hear someone say that and then to follow up with ... but you have a good heart.  I'm pretty sure I know what has earned me the label of being not a good christian ... it is related to being not a good wife ... though God knows I try!  I used to try to live up to someone elses standards.  Uh ... that's a no go no matter how much you are willing to try.  There is not a PTS for this stuff ... at best it is an erratically moving target ... like something gone awry on the carnival midway!  I stopped squaring up to take aim a few years ago ... now I shoot from the hip ... and wish for a Jedi sword instead of my little pea shooter!  Hahaha ... well, I may regret making light of this some day, but for today it's what I got to work with.  On the way out the door this morning my husband suggested I might want to spend the next two weeks (yes two) doing a study on what a good Christian is.  I think I will take that idea to heart.  Seriously, wouldn't that be an interesting thing to research ... wrap my head around.
I'm willing to postulate ...
There are no good Christians.  Harsh maybe ... surely that is untrue.  I'll try again.  Good Christians are hard to find.  People who are Christians may hope for a few good moments ... they are as messed up as everyone else.  The good in good christian comes from the good of Christ ... to go to the good mode a christian will be Christlike.  To use my metaphor ... I may appear to be Christlike only when Christ is flying my plane (earth suit) ... to me this earth experience seems like the very beginning of primary flight instruction ... the instructor coaches and demonstrates ... the student shows up aware, prepared, and ready to work ... they both hope for moments of sheer glory during each little flight, but the instructor is aware that the potential exists for ... a big stinking mess!  Hahaha ... thank God that Christ opted to step in and take the test for me.  I am a long ways from Christlike ... .  Some mornings it's all I can do to get the engine to crank!  I know that I will not be up to par when the day comes for my big oral in the sky!  I have a pile of questions and not many answers as I approach the day that I will have to answer for myself!  This is what I hope I will be able to say, if I am able to speak at all ... I want to be able to say, from my heart,  I did my best.
 I remember being nervous before my commercial check ride.  That was definitely my most worrisome check ride pre the actual event. 

One of my buddies said, "Look ... go over there and do your best."
"What if I can't fly my best that day?" I asked
He said ..."Oh, you won't ... nobody ever does.  The best you can hope for is your best effort on that particular day during those particular moments.  Are you going to go over there and mess it up on purpose, or are you going to go over there and do your best for those moments?"
"I will be doing my best ... what if my best isn't good enough?"
"That happens a lot with people," he said and he told me some disheartening percentage of people who fail their first attempt at the commercial ride for one reason or the other ... he continued, "if your best isn't good enough, you'll come back over here and fix it ... and reschedule.  Your best  is by definition all ya got to work with ... just do your best." 

I liked the examiner when I first laid eyes on him ... he looked like a decent guy.  To be honest, I think they put their pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else.  I would expect to get pinged if I were in error ... or if there was a point of disparity somewhere ... I really expect to hear some constructive criticism or a jewel of info that I am unaware of ... the inspectors are supposed to know and see things that I miss at my experience level. 

I'm going to go ahead and write about that check ride.  I forgot to bring the Aircraft's maintenance records ... I called one of my buddies and he flew it over while the inspector drank black coffee and scowled at me.  I could feel sweat forming in the bends of my knees, and in the folds of my arms where blood is drawn.  I was trying really hard to compose an agreeable expression on my face ... wondering how a slight smile might be received. 

When I saw my bud's plane I excused myself from the huge cold conference room ... waited for a few in the lobby for shut down and then moved somewhat weakly towards my smiling friend and the maintenance logs ... "Here you go Slick ... niner seven Bravo Sierra"  he said thrusting the heavy books towards me with a big sloppy smile.
"I am in seven eight Delta." I choked out  my eyes imploring ... please let this be a joke.
"Yeah ... just messing with you ... you just made this about ten times harder on yourself ... you know that right?!" He turned away laughing ... and he threw back over his shoulder, "Oh, and if you screw the pooch on this, you owe me lunch for getting me involved  ... " when he was several steps away he turned around and winked saying ... "Go get 'em ... the screw up part is over now!"
The oral portion was ... longish ... surprisingly light on the ins and outs of the aircraft logbook but heavy on the REGS ... I was well prepared for that, there were just a lot of them.  I felt really good about the oral and while he went to the break room I walked up and down the hall, trying to get some strength back in my legs ... I told myself the hard part was over ... now for some fun.
The flight went well. We did start out as though we would fly the planned Xcty ... there was a divert ... I don't remember a lot of the beginning of the flight ... I clicked in memory wise at a point where I was able to identify two little airports which I had noticed as I studied the sectional for this unfamiliar area ... "Now I really know where I am" I thought.  I like knowing where stuff is in reference to where I am.  He was ready to move on to looking over the maneuvers.
Honestly, I glanced at his hands during the Lazy Eight ... it was so perfect that I thought someone else must be flying it ... he was the only other pilot in the plane.  He said  "Okay, let's descend for some low work ... " and I ... well, I must have been pretty buzzed on that delicious LZ8 ... I asked, "Do you want an emergency descent?"  I knew I had probably stepped in it when I saw how surprised he was by my question ... "Yeah" was all he said and I set up for it and called a field ... then he said, "Let's go ahead and simulate an emergency landing ... stay with it."  As I spiraled down I went through the procedures ... mentally kicking myself  ... .  "How low do you want me to go?" I asked trying to mentally grab for what would be no lower then 500'agl ... he said  "Just fly it, I wanta see how this works out." I committed to keeping my mouth shut right about then.   "Okay, good ..." he said when we were over the gate ... I went full power.  Next he asked for the Eights-On ... one of my favorite maneuvers.   I called the first pylon and he said, "Go ahead and start the maneuver if you're ready, I will call the other pylon for you.  Heck yeah  I thought but said, "Yes sir."  He said applicants tend to call their pylons too wide for his preference and he pointed out a tower while I adjusted for a pretty tight little turn.  Lovely ... fun ... two laps.  He told me to go back up to 3000'MSL and when I got there he asked me if I knew where the airport was ... I pointed at it.  He asked me could I make it from here if I suddenly lost power and I said ..." No way ... this thing glides like a rock".  He laughed.  "Okay ... le'ts head back and you pull the power when you think we can make the field ... straight in."  I tuned up the AWOS ... things went as planned. First landing ... power off glide to a very sweet little soft touch down. He said it was very nice and then, "Let's see the short field landing to a short field take off." I was a little worried about if he was clear on the TD point I called ... the runway really needed some fresh paint and I think I called an intersection rather then a point on a stripe ... it's been awhile, but there was something potentially fuzzy there and I was concerned about messing up  at that point in the flight.  Check rides for me are like an emotional roller coaster ... thrilling nail biters ... no screaming allowed!  Next he wanted to see my Power Off 180 (a favorite of mine) and just before the flare he said we had coyotes on the field ... I was at 20 degrees of flaps ... full power. Before I made the crosswind turn, he said, "Well, congratulations ... you passed."  I was pretty happy.  He said, "Y'all are ahead on your training but behind on your equipment."   I asked him if he would like to fly the final landing and passed control over to him on the downwind ... he smoked the landing ... also a power off 180.  I told him our pilots have to fly better when they are in 78D ... we know that an actual emergency is a strong possibility in this old girl (may she rip).

My best that day ... was good enough.  It was probably my best ride.  The main thing I learned that day was this ... Your Best is your best.  That's what I am shooting for. 

I'm just trying to do my best (most days).

"Happiness project" - #6 - and last question

notes from 1June2011

What am I doing to live life with passion, health and energy - this is the last question from the happiness project lady.

I floss my teeth every day. I love V-8 juice. I eat an apple (Fuji - my favorite) and grapes (dark seedless and frozen with walnuts and plain yogurt) and flax and fiber in my coffee - everyday. I have had polyps removed twice now and am due in for another "excavation" (I have been putting this off). I am mindful that life is a gift. I am trying to accept that it is maybe good to "feel" things. I am trying to accomplish things that are hard and learn about things that are interesting - challenging. I am trying to learn how to hear God. I am trying. I wake up choosing happy and stretch before I take my dog out for a walk. I am trying to be thoughtful...decent...accountable. Not too sure about passionate - think that might be glitchy. I'll be looking to see where that is expressed in my personality.

I have really enjoyed this blog because it helps me to pause and think about some of my issues - who knew?

That's about it.

This is something  I amstarting to think about ... a new thing I want to explore.  It's not a new idea, just something I haven't given much thought to.

An artist, whose work I admire, expresses the notion of  ... a light you see with your eyes shut ... . Maybe that is extra-sensory. If I have this right, and I don't promise that I do, he also talks about the impressions that sleeping and/or twilight dreams leave you with.  Some dreams seem to be an extra-conscious, beyond conscious, a way of sorting out your ... stuff (pleasant stuff and unpleasant stuff ...) ... a way of making stuff make sense ... a way of processing your stuff in to something that can be consciously "processed" if not entirely understood.  Maybe it is the work of one's soul.  I get the light one may see with their eyes shut.  You can see things in that light that are ... oblique. Oblique and opaque.

Okay ... so I have been thinking about thinking more about that.   Yesterday, I serendipitously came across a similar idea  ... it was elegantly expressed.  It actually made a silent tear run down my face unnoticed until it landed in my lap.  The guy ... the creator/expressor of the idea had written a poem ... a real poem ... I don't want to get side tracked by my thoughts because of the poem ... it was a tidy little stack of evocative, powerfu,l words.  It deserves  thoughtful  ... time.  Not this time though ... and I think private time too ... so, not here.  The poem was wrapped in other words ... also the poet's words, but morethe words his writer-self.  His writer-self sort of described the process of birthing the poem. (His writer self is a thinker not a feeler ... that's my take on it ... with what little I have read .)  He actually hit the nail on my fence with this little piece.  It's the nail that my shirt gets caught on lotsa times when all I really want to do is take the dog out for a walk.  I want to walk the dog ... listen to the birds ... smell the gardenias that seem to float in the air just this time of year.  I don't really want to think about that peculiar little nail that pesters my attention.  Mystical.  ...laughing ... kinda smirking at myself ... only at myself here ... because, I am totally creeped out by this ... mystical.  This guy heard a phrase.  The way he tells his story, he was just walking along minding his own business when the phrase wanted to be heard.  Kind of like that light ...  a light that wants to be seen.  Both, the phrase and the light, coming with an intent to illuminate ... both becoming from some mystical place. ... hmmm feeling isn't a big enough word is it? 

I have a feeling.  It didn't come from a sensual input. I do not understand it logically.

...someone sung me awake with their words ... the words sung by a shooting star ... I was too mesmerized to make a wish ...

How can it be a feeling without have been acquired by my skin ...
I smell just one single note of the perfume I snuck a squeeze of ... you know, those very old perfume atomizers ...  the memory reproduces a feeling
The taste of summer ripe peaches ... feelings
That poem ... that art installation ... feelings.

Nascent ... the process ...well ... it's kinda creepy.
 
I guess it's time for me to start thinking about this ... .  I seem to be being bombarded by ... feelings ... lately.  It's like the place that feels in me has recently ... unfolded itself.  It feels familiar yet almost forgotten ... re-awakened.   It feels like it has atrophied during slumber.  It's stretching now before it sits up.
 I sort of remember this aspect of me ... in a fond way.  I remember the little me awash in emotion as I wondered at the Universe revealed in a planetarium ... the Milky Way video I placed here reminds me of those feelings ... I want to go where I can see the stars ... I want to feel the wonder again. I remember the first overwhelming taste of Wagner ... of Mozart ... of Bella Fleck ... AC/DC ...lol.   I am comfortable feeling music.  This other stuff kinda creeps me out.
I'm past out of time here and in to some making up for lost time actually.  This is what I am beginning to think about ... to actively think about.  I am starting to think about feelings.

Thought this kinda amusing ...
Last night I showed the two photos ... below ... to my husband, asking him which looks more eyeshadowy ... Yes, that is a new word.  I am developing a few words specifically with an eye towards playing pirate ... . Not really, it's summer ... I am trying to remember how to play.

He said he liked the lipstick in the second photo. Hmmm.
Today he said he could tell that I am tired by looking at the photos. I have been tired ... for a while. Yes, I am tired. I do not always sleep "tight".

Normally, I wake up ... usually, briefly ... about every two hours during the night.  At twoish ... I read.  I read stuff from my iPhone.  I like the back light ... it doesn't disturb my sleep buddy.  There are all sorts of interesting things one might read from their iPhone.  I like it. If I can recall any dreams, I think about them during this time, trying to put them back in sequence ... trying to sharpen the fuzzy edges ... .  After a short while, and maybe a drink of water, I go back to sleep.  Around four thirty, I wake up again.  Usually, I am very still during this time.  I use this time to think and pray.  This is my quiet time.  Frequently, something I have been thinking about starts to make more sense during this time.  Then I drowse back to sleep waiting for the alarm to sound ... my alarm tone is crickets ... I set my alarm only when my husband is away from home.  I am not sleepy.   I am tired.  Sleepy and tired are not the same thing.   Yes, I can see tired ... very tired ... in those pictures.  The camera is able to see the less obvious. Those pictures were about pirate eyes ... not a smile for the camera. 

I have always been a light sleeper ... and a good napper when naps are acceptable.  I like sleep snacking.

I am working on tired.  I need that quiet time to do that work.