Beachy

Today was a wonderful day - another day at the beach. For the first time ever I walked on the beach in the dark. There were a lot of people strolling with flashlights. The stars were twinkling while the waves rolled in and out. We saw a crab swimming and a very big bird fishing. Today began and ended with a long walk along the shore. We spent several hours in the water resting in tubes. I got so much water in my face from a wave that my sinuses are still a little salty. That bird that we saw tonight was magnificent gliding back and forth.

clear prop

Here we are at 3am and I am awake as usual! Fortunately we're at the beach. Being at the beach is very close to being in the air on my "favorite places to be" list. Where else? I'm starting to think that even though I am afraid of motorcycles that maybe, just maybe, safe and snug with someone I trust driving (steering?) I might just love a motorcycle ride through the mountains. It's good to be at the beach.

This was a crazy week. Started Monday with a flight. I can't remember any of the details except to say it was a training flight and my steep turns sucked. I get +/- 50' , +/- 10 KIAS. I was using up 200'. It's something I've never done - I'm pulling the entry. Well I was. I cut it out on Friday's flight. I also saw favorite CFI on Monday. He's no longer around so that was a nice surprise. He looked happy and healthy. It was good to see him looking well. I enjoyed thinking about some of the important things I learned with him, because of him. Some people pass through your life leaving you better than they found you. I hope I am that kind of CFI. I hope I am that kind of person.
On Friday I flew two flights plus the sim. The sim flight was very cool. Glass. I was supposed to be working on steep turns just below a cloud layer. It was an interesting experiment. I could easily see what I was doing to mess myself up. Next we flew. There's a small field about 22 miles west of my home field. I rocked the performance landings - wait! That wasn't Fridays flight because my ST still stank that day. I loved that day because I heard myself say, "It is really beautiful over here". I can't believe how beautiful it is over here. On Friday it was super hazy and I opted for the SE Training area - my steep turns weren't too bad. Later I flew a purely for fun flight with a young CFI who I like but hadn't had the opportunity to fly with. He said,"DeAnn, if you put your pant leg over that vent it'll really help you stay cool". It was so funny. I laughed and laughed. He asked, "Why'd that make you laugh ~ "I'm serious", he said, "... it's a greenhouse in this thing!" I told him I liked doing that but someone I flew with said doing stuff like that just blows your stink all around the plane. It just made me laugh to remember. I smell good most of the time. I have been distracted by how things non-airplane smell while in the plane ... I just don't cozy up with the vents anymore!
I had fun flying the arrow with this guy. The airplane cabin was blisteringly hot and the airplane climbed poorly. The performance was below par in all areas. It was easy to execute steep turns in though. Nose heavy enough to compensate for my new tendency to pull early. I didn't hate flying it. Right before we departed for that fun flight, a training flight landed gear up. The airplane, other than the very problematic prop strike, looked surprising okay. All the antennae are sheared off the belly, but I was surprised to see how symmetric the skid marks are. The marks on the runway show the prop whacking itself on the asphault about every three foot for several rotations...the governor and crankshaft and on back into the engine probably look pretty sad. It was a check ride. A commercial practical test type check ride. It's gonna hurt the pilots, particularly the check pilot who has probably had his hand on the gear lever many thousands of times. It makes me very sad to think of him in this mess.

So here we are at the beach floating in the 12th story corner unit. If I open the front sliding door and the back sliding door the gulf air venturi s through almost lifting my cares in the process.

Finishing

I have accepted that I am tired. I'm going to bed and to sleep earlier. Last night I woke up less often than what has become usual. Today, I'm going to drink my delicious hot coffee and then I'm going to go outside and walk around in my yard...do a little weeding. I'll go out to the airport at 11:00 to take care of some paperwork for tonight's meeting - beginning the summer semester.

All my CFI candidate buddies are gone. That has freaked me out just a tad - now I have the departure brief on each one of them and things make more sense. I've thought about myself as a young woman running track. I ran long distance and because of my height I also jumped for the team. I didn't take to hurdles. I didn't like setting a pace that accommodated leaping over fences. I didn't like how the hurdles appeared to get higher as I approached them. It was sickenning to imagine myself face first into the gravel...bloody and tangled up...broken. That's how this process towards the big check ride had started to feel. And when my fellow runners disappeared I started gnawing on what they knew that I hadn't figured out.

So I am re-booting. I'm gonna rest a bit and I'm gonna come out for this last lap.

Here we are rocketing down the road. This 12+ hour drive began at one today. Now it's tenthirty. I'm sitting in the back seat while my son drives and chats softly with his dad. I like hearing them laugh together. My son drives way too fast like I do. I am assessing the risks... The safety subroutine is running. His reflexes are better than mine but his experience is limited... Dads watching, but he would agree with me that he is not as vigilant a driver as I. How do the tires on the vehicles around me look... Is that car holding steady on his lane ... Cars are stopped ahead and seriously there is a horrible stomach turning wreck site. We've moved past Did I do everything as I should have he just asked and his dad said yes. I can see his shoulders are tense now. He's never seen a mess like that. He has settled into a speed 15 mph slower than he was running ... He's decided that he is law abiding I guess Now we've passed perpindicular to some flashing approach lights. I'm the only one in the car who noticed...the only one who would be interested MALSR? So many pieces to remember. I was going to write about something specific when I began tonight. I was just settling in when everything ahead became red.

Reflections on Trust

17 July - I realized that my sin causes God to feel bad. Previously I had seen my wrong behavior as hurting only me (and maybe the people around me) - it seemed not that important - like my bad - my transgressions didn't seem big enough to reach God. My heart hadn't seen the idea that my mess making actually grieves God ... and that I don't have to be consumed by the emotions or influences that carry me towards behavior that is less than.

The Bible talks about a worthy walk:
1 Thes.5:15 Walk in manner worthy of your calling for which you have been called with all gentleness and humility with patience showing forbearance to one another in love, being diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit.
Phil 1:27...walk worthy of the Gospel
1 Thes.2:12...walk worthy of God
That kind of walking has to be done with my hand in God's hand. That requires trust.

I remember the joy found when each of my children began their first faltering steps. I think God has been patiently waiting for me to think of walking towards Him...walking with Him.

I also noted the idea that as a believer, I don't have to get upset when things don't appear to be going as I want/expect is best. I can trust those things unseen because I can trust the God unseen. Faith is the substance of things unseen yet believed.

American King James Version - Hebrews 11:1
Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

By faith I accept that the invisible things of God are behind the visible. (Heb. 11:3). I've seen this verse used to try to manipulate God - I'm not thinking about it like that here. All I'm thinking is I can trust or have faith in God ... confident that He's caring about me regardless of how things look or how I feel. My anxieties are legimate cares (maybe) that He says I can "cast on Him".


5 August - I wanted to blow off the importance of an event because my actions helped create a mess...and then my actions weren't enough to clean up the mess. I don't like messes and in this case I didn't like the pain of the mess. I felt angry, trapped, by the ridiculousness of it. When there seemed to be nothing I could do about the situation I thought to forget it. People say, "Women are not good at just letting things go...". One of my friends at work says that, and I've heard it off and on over the years. I tend to disagree, based on my experience with myself. I am very good at dismissing things - even things that should matter - the song line "my give a damn is busted..." frequently me. Dismissing, diminishing, disrespecting, disappearing...all ways of letting it go... All examples of how I learned to protect myself from pain...and sometimes the growth that might result from facing it. On 5 August I didn't blow it off as I wanted to and normally would have. Why? I've wondered. I have actually tried to blow it off a few times since but was unable to. Why? I don't really know the answer to that, but I think it's because I careduh. I cared, because I had chosen to trust this person - my messmaking buddy. Apparently, that commitment - extending trust - comes with or brings or opens other things up too. In this case, I would very much like not to care, but I do. I do not like how that care makes me feel.
The struggle of wanting to blow it off (as nicely as possible) and the pull towards growing up a little took me to 1 Cor 13. This one little event - a mess I participated in - led me to understand that my messedupness interacting with the messedupness of others is going to result in some big messes. The best I can do is stay as close to the model expressed in 1 Cor 13. Yeah - I'm not very good at it, it's hard, but I'm not going to get better at it by blowing off places to practice it. Protects,Trusts,Hopes,Perseveres...Loves. It's always okay to love. Love calls me to stay engaged even when it hurts. This one event is relatively insignificant as an event, it was a pebble tossed in a pond. The ripples are radiating out - they express the significance. I like it that God is good at finding a way to get my attention - to get me to understand. I am grateful.

In this particular case I have accepted that this mess won't be resolved ... cleaned up ... something - a jar of peaches - fell off of a shelf and got broken ... tiny glass shards, fruit and stickysticky peach juice scattered on the floor ... and everyone walked around it and moved on to the next aisle. I stood there for awhile waiting and thinking - trying. This March, 9mnts later, I realized that I didn't have to stand there any longer. I think I learned some stuff about trust and caring ... and love while I was there and I can take that with me. I stood in my mess and now I don't have to anymore.

Maybe I learned not to run so carelessly through the store. Maybe I learned not to bump my basket into stuff. I hope I learned something - I'm waiting to see how the lessons are expressed. Learning can be defined as a change in behavior as a result of experience.

Maybe I'm learning to put myself (and my stuff) in God's hands. I don't think it's wrong to leave this little thing and maybe even some of my big things in God's hands - I'm not fond of that expression because it sounds so churchy and ...I don't know... I just have a negative reaction to it... it seems weak even though I realise it takes a lot of strenght to lay things down. What I really mean is God was watching when the peaches fell. I hope that His love makes this mess right... I hope with all my heart. And I am so sorry that I am a messy little thing. I like to clean up my own messes but this time I can't and I'm counting on God.

25 August I noted a random text (following) written on the day of (before) the broken peach jar incident - I think some of the most interesting and life informing adventures have been mundane circumstances...interpersonal journeys with the everyday people around me. I would have liked to have experienced the exotic flavors of far away places - but I realize today that adventures are where you find them. We are jars of clay housing adventuring souls ~ I said that ... I believe that. It was a simple note to a friend of one of my children within the context of choices he was trying to make.

On 2 August I wrote: Recently, I have learned that "trust" is a key component in adventures of the soul. I am a novice at trust. I see close enough to have meaningful dialogue as close enough to hurt me. I have thought that it was my job to protect myself. I'm starting to realize that it's not my job and in fact it may very well be one of the ways I make messes around myself! Protecting me seems to be God's job ... if I am His it just follows that looking out for me is His business ... and when I look out for myself, not only am I trying to do his job, but I am resisting movement (of my self towards areas of perceived personal discomfort)towards where He may actually want me to be. It's complicated by the fact that I am expected to make some choices - even choices about protecting myself. Trust while difficult for me is worth working at. Trust is Faith.

CS Lewis wrote that you can not sample joy without a side of pain ... the two are interwoven. I don't want to hurt...and I really don't want to hurt other people...most people probably feel the same way. I do want to be courageous in putting myself out there for those life shaping - soul growing - journeys. Last week I was thinking about the pearl inside the oyster and the aggravation that produces that thing of beauty/value. I remembered that the book of Revelation describes the gates of heaven as being made of a solid pearl. I can see the possibility of symbolism there.

I am comfortable with the fact that I will never fly the big airplanes or the other cool stuff that flys. I'm not going to land in jungles or deserts, on carriers or anywhere very exotic. I expect that my body (and my little airplane) will be pretty safe on my adventures and I am thankful for the luxury of that. At the same time, I don't want to back away from the idea that life is interesting and exciting and ultimately good ... and that I am called towards staying engaged with the people and experiences around me. It's sometimes scary, but worth the work. I see life as where we fit ourselves for what comes next ... whatever that is.

When I first started flying I had to trust the CFI to keep me safe. He didn't look like someone I would trust, but he became someone I trusted (at least until I learned how to land myself - lol - just kidding kinda). He helped open the way for me to begin working on my trust issues ... then I scooted away from that work. Recently, in my flight training I have intentionally picked up that issue again and I find working on it painful and rewarding. I have found that the walls come down when I trust...and that is some scary stuff for me (and probably for most people too)... and that is the adventure. It's also almost a miracle for me - to try to trust - people who I can see and - God.

When you trust, you expose yourself to the opportunity to become more than you are ... you give God the chance to grow you a little.I said that ... I believe that. I am thankful to the people who have given me a safe place to work on trust.

Sunday morning - 29th anniversary. I remember that girl 29 years ago today and it makes me laugh ... what a brave naive little thing.

I opened the window near my side of the bed sometime during the night like I usually do when the weather encourages it. This morning I sat up to see a female robin perched atop the hedge. I bet she is building her nest there in the holly bush. There is another nest going in the pink rose vine on my front porch. I wonder how many nests I might pull off of the engines of airplanes this season. That little robin tilted her head when she sensed me...ah, human...and she flew away. I wouldn't think of harming her - I enjoy her presence. She is wary of me whilst she builds in the sticker bush where snakes and cats might play.

Why these today? Arrow - I observed from rear seat. AUO and AUO with reflected CFI - bc I liked it.

Bucket list

Loved the movie - both fine actors and the story was well told.

"The cost of a thing is the amount of what I will call life which is required to be exchanged for it, immediately or in the long run." ~HD Thoreau

I do not have a bucket list but I think it is a good idea. I have noticed that I spend very little time thinking about what I want. As a child we did what/went where my mother wanted to go (within normal constraints - I know that choices tend to make choices) so just my up bringing inclined me to go with the flow. My husband is a man who tends to have strong opinions about how he wants things to be. I'm okay with that. It's kind of funny - I just have not been a person who spends much time thinking about what I want. I am accommodating. I've thought about not wanting to be bossy or selfish or demanding or bitchy. That is - well I don't know what to call that . I don't know what to call it, but I am working on it. Like with that car to call my own. I marvel that I am a 50+ person and I have never really thought about what kind of car I would want until just the last few months...and even at that I am not sure that my husband didn't kinda steer me towards the BMW. I'm not sure. I have said, "I like the Land Rovers." And he has said, nah, you're not the land rover type - and I thought well they are kinda bulky and probably not very maneuverable...and I stopped thinking about Land Rovers after that. I really do like BMWs and I think it is nice that my husband wants me to have a nice car. This isn't about that. This is about intentionally thinking about how I want to not only make a few choices, but also feel entitled to make some choices. I think this may loosely be thought of as - honestly - I am at a loss for words to describe it.

I am thinking about how much I love to fly solo. All the decisions are mine. No one is bothered if I want to circle around to the right or left...no one requires monitoring if I feel like a quick - what's the quickest descent this'll get today - descent... . When I am alone in the plane, I have the freedom to just do what I want without a thought for those I feel responsible for (for their happiness and comfort, for their safety and well being) When I am alone in the plane I do not feel pulled towards nurturing anyone. I think I am at that time in my life when I wonder if being a tender is/was really how I was supposed to spend off these moments. I'm not trying to say I'm totally self-sacrificing or totally complacent because I'm not. All I'm saying is that I tend to put my handful of loves first ... and I tend to be pretty accommodating or considerate of others. I don't assert myself - my wishes. That is the problem that I am dealing with as a CFI candidate. I know that I will be very, maybe too, assertive for the rights of my students ... I know that for certain. I also know if some one says, for example, you stink, even when I know there is no way I stink that I will wonder...I will fret...do I really stink? . I won't tell someone they stink unless they really stink. I would only tell someone you stink if I was willing to help them not stink. I'm using that as an example. If someone told my student you stink, I would immediately assess whether or not they did stink and take action from there. If they didn't stink then someone is going to get their ass kicked for messing with my business. I can do that for someone I am responsible for. Why can't I do that for myself? I think it's time to get "crackalackin" on that.

Beginning of a Bucket List:

my own car that I do not routinely share
I like the M model
it has to be a manual transmission
I do not like the 7 - it reminds me of a funeral procession
I like silver, black and gunmetal grey. I like the pearlized white but I don't think it is my favorite color. I like the black leather interior. It smells good.

I don't even have the car and I am already feeling icky about telling people, "No, you may not drive it - not even around the block."

Today was a great day. I was very happy with my Cross Country plan - I knew I would be. I was very happy with my weather work - I knew I would be. The ceiling remained too low for the trip. I remembered another trip when the clouds were too low. I really wanted to go today but today I did not. Today I learned a little bit about TAS and how it relates to CAS. I sat on that bench that I like so much and watched pre-solo privates land 18 with a light steady cross wind - and I enjoyed seeing the instructors after those flights and I loved seeing the students.

I think all the pollen has gotten to me. I feel very tired and even sad. Last night I had a nightmare. It was very different from any dream I remember having in that my body felt totally detached from my soul. I felt " me but/and we". My body felt like a wrapper. My soul seemed to sit up out of my body listening wary horrified but unafraid, as evil came by and snatched something irrevocable beyond...away...a scream carrying back like a cord of smoke. The dream felt like despair. It felt as though something precious was casually violated and nothing could return it to the time before. It was beyond anguish. My soul understood but I am unable to capture it with words. When I woke from the dream my hands and feet were very cold. My body hurt all over. The fight or flight endorphins had been scrambled. My body still hurts from the tension from that dream.
I have decided to put myself to bed early tonight. And I am thinking about a shot of NyQuil... I don't fly tomorrow, but I almost never take any meds other than the occasional Tylenol. I'm afraid the NyQuil may give me bad dreams...

Note added in June: I remember this dream. One valuable part of it is in remembering that this life in this body in this reality is fleeting. My soul is housed in a very cool earthsuit. I get to make choices that shape who I am becoming. I have been sad, but that is a little self indulgent. I'm not going to stay there. I have a great life. Today I saw women on the border between Pakistan and Russia who were probably my age and younger...they are in a desperate place. They are trying to find answers for the despair in the eyes of their children. None of them were worried about anything a silly as flight instructing.

empty parking space - collection of runoff pollen

Wind

Jn1:8. The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear it's sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the spirit.

So I'm thinking about wind. This reference from scripture is within the context of the holy spirit being sovereign... Working as he pleases in the restoration of human hearts. I'm thinking about this because as a pilot I am continuously reminded that the wind is a major player in the flight. I can't see it but I can see it's effects. The airplane is ever responsive to it. It's kinda funny, without going into it here, the wind direction and speed is available ... But try as we might to predict or quantify it, it is always at least slightly different. Or a lot different. Or shearing. A student said yesterday, " yeah, I checked the winds aloft ( FD) but I'm starting to notice that they are never accurate". Yeah me too I thought. I understand uneven heating, highs and lows and pressure gradients, friction and Coriolis, "local" winds... all that good stuff. The wind still seems to blow wherever it pleases.

I'm starting to think about this.

The invisible moving the visible.


29 April - thoughts on this a few days later:
Yesterday I flew a trip from AUO to BHM. I was very interested in the winds aloft because it was reported as 9900 all along my route of flight at 6,000 and below. I was surprised. I've never seen calm winds being forecast over that large an area. I didn't believe it. After looking at several other weather products I shrugged - maybe they are calm I thought because they was nothing to indicate otherwise.

It was pretty bumpy - no big deal - little light airplanes get bumped around some. Hit check point one and two maybe saw check point three those electrical lines can become iffy the big warehouse that I google - the one south of the interstate between two rail lines ... nowhere to be seen. I was so disappointed. I planned and planned a little visual trip - and it wasn't as lovely as I thought it was going to be. And the flight instructor was role playing crazy student pretty much the whole way there (and back) - that was the highlight of the trip. I woke up several times last night thinking about it - what could I have done better...why didn't I do this or that...did I make a plotter error...how did I let myself get suckered by the winds...?

A spiritual take away became apparent during the night. I like heavier airplanes. Light airplanes may represent novice level flying - a spiritual newbie so to speak. Light planes are grittier - more exposed to the elements and the trip I did was representative of beginner level flying - visual references outside the plane - no GPS, no VORs, not even ADF/NDBs (although I was just checking them to see what was up as an outer marker). It was hard...and not pretty. I was saturated to the point of not doing things that I do well - well. When I did boot up the GPS near Charlie - I was surprised to find myself there. I was embarrassed. I thought - well, at least you can rock the landing and taxi to ... and I did. In the FBO I began kicking myself around - like I do. That's not really very productive. The CFI wanted the course flown in reverse so I could maybe figure out where things went wrong and why. I flipped the headings and ended up off course on the same leg on the way home - I could see it happening because I was a lot farther away from the lake than my checkpoint was. In a few minutes I'll get out my nav log and recheck the heading I plotted for that leg. Surely the 2W as opposed to 3W on the isogonic lines didn't make that much difference ... I'm going to figure it out.

Little airplanes have difficulty finding their way. The stuff inside the plane that's there to help - helps quite a bit. Our chief is all about pilotage and dead reckoning and it is fun when you're just playing or challenging yourself, but for a solo student cross country it is almost unthinkable - I think.

Random notes

Stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance


Take Me Home ~Phil Collins (lyrics)

Take that look of worry
I'm an ordinary man
They don't tell me nothing
So I find out what I can
There's a fire that's been burning
Right outside my door
I can't see but I feel it
And it helps to keep me warm
So I, I don't mind
No I, I don't mind

Seems so long I've been waiting
Still don't know what for
There's no point escaping
I don't worry anymore
I can't come out to find you
I don't like to go outside
They can't turn off my feelings
Like they're turning off a light
But I, I don't mind
No I, I don't mind
Oh I, I don't mind
No I, I don't mind

So take, take me home
Cos I don't remember
Take, take me home
Cos I don't remember
Take, take me home
Cos I don't remember
Take, take me home, oh lord
Cos I've been a prisoner all my life
And I can say to you

Take that look of worry, mine's an ordinary life
Working when it's daylight
And sleeping when it's night
I've got no far horizons
I don't wish upon a star
They don't think that I listen
Oh but I know who they are
And I, I don't mind
No I, I don't mind
Oh I, I don't mind
No I, I don't mind

So take, take me home
Cos I don't remember
Take, take me home
Cos I don't remember
Take, take me home
Cos I don't remember
Take, take me home, oh lord
Well I've been a prisoner all my life
And I can say to you

But I don't remember
Take, take me home...

My Give A Damn's Busted ~Jo Dee Mesinna (lyrics)

Lyrics:

(1st verse)

Well you filled up my head,
With so many lies.
Twisted my heart
Til something snapped inside.
I'd like to give it one more try
but my give a damn's busted.

You can crawl back home
say you were wrong,
stand out in the yard
cry all night long.
Well go ahead and water my lawn.
My give a damn's busted.

(chorus)

I really wanna care,
I wanna feel somethin'
Let me dig a little deeper...
Nope...
Sorry...
Nothin'

(2nd verse)

You can say you've got issues.
You can say you're a victim.
It's all your parents fault,
After all you didn't pick em
Well maybe Oprah's got time to listen.
My give a damn's busted.

(*Well let me get this straight now)
Your therapist said
It was all just a phase
A product of the prozac
And your co-dependent ways
So uhh ... who's your enabler these days?
My give a damn's busted.

(chorus)

I really wanna care,
I wanna feel somethin'
Let me dig a little deeper...
Eeh-Eeh

(3rd verse)
(*Oh you're tellin' me)
It's a desperate situation,
No tellin' what you'll do.
If I don't forgive you,
You say your life is through.
Well honey... give me somethin' I can use.
(My give a damn's busted.)
(*Ahh you knew I was gonna say that, didn't ya.)

My give a damn's busted (*ha ha)
My give a damn's busted
Honey trust me
My give a damn's busted yeahhh ...
OOOH
My give a damn's busted yeahhh
(*You wanna do what?)(*ha ha ha ha ha)
My give a damn's busted
(*Get the party started thats what we'll do)
My give a damn's busted
(*I'm not done honey, trust me)
My give a damn's busted
(*Been there, done that)
My give a damn's busted
My give a damn's busted

Recent Quotes from Happiness Project page

"There is no duty we so much underrate as the duty of being happy." --R.L. Stevenson

"Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go." - T.S. Eliot

"Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace and gratitude." - Denis Waitley

"Be kinder than necessary, for everone you meet is fighting some kind of a battle ..." (unknown or James M Berrie)

"Try not. Do, or do not. There is no try," which is Yoda from "The Empire Strikes Back"

"Death isn't sad. The sad thing is: most people don't live at all" - Socrates in The Peaceful Warrior

"Do more than belong, participate. Do more than care, help. Do more than believe, practice. Do more than be fair, be kind. Do more than forgive, forget. Do more than dream, work. ~ W. A. Ward"

"Every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future." ~Oscar Wilde

To laugh often and much;
to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children;
to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends;
to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others;
to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden, or a redeemed social condition;... See More
to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.
This is to have succeeded. ~ not cited

"The answers are never "out there". All the answers are "in there", inside you, waiting to be discovered"...and

"The world is awash in divisions rooted in human compulsion to believe our differences are more important than our humanity" - Pres. Bill Clinton

While my CFI was out this past week, I flew with the Chief some. Honestly, it made me feel a little nervous. But I liked it too. I've been pretty wrapped up on the task of flying and had negected the joy. It was good to just kinda enjoy.

I flew with my instructor on Friday. He said I am a lot closer than I think I am.

Note from what I'm reading right now

Falling Apart in One Piece ~ Stacy Morrison

"Anger hides everything you need to feel to get past the anger."

That resonates. It seems like anger is pretty rampant. Is it the economy...all the uncertainties? I had a friend who died a few years ago. She wasn't the happiest or the most content person I have known, but she was definitely the least angry person I've known... even before the cancer made it's presence known. I loved spending time with her partly because she was so awesome at maintaining her "not angry/not even upset loveliness. Things that would rub me wrong, she laughed at. Situations that narrowed my eyes and flared my ears back, she immediately saw the humor in. When I might lean towards impatience, she unfailing steered towards compassion ... Let's give them the benefit of a doubt (is that the expression?) she'd say just as I was getting my grouchy on! Anger. It has it's place. But it seems clear to me that it's overrated. I've seen it as an indulgence. I've seen it as disabling. I've seen it used to energize, like caffeine. I've seen it blind people who have wrapped themselves up in it. I saw the movie "Invictus" this summer. Nelson Mandela is an example of what " not angry" can accomplish. Anger hides... masks. None of my best moments had anger in them. Most of my worst moments did.

Friday afternoon

"Death isn't sad. The sad thing is: most people don't live at all" - Socrates in The Peaceful Warrior

This was a long week. I am kinda exhausted most of the time...the kind that comes with that almost numb,dull headache. I do not sleep well. I had a bit of a rough week with flight training. Today, my CFI told me the story of someone he cared about who died while an instructor pilot. I can feel the weight of the responsibility that he feels towards training me in to an instructor. He says he believes that I can do this, but I think he wonders why I want to. I want to because this is hard. I like accomplishing difficult things. Flying is a little bit the same and totally different each time you get in the plane. It requires a lot of self discipline. I like that people come to it and become better versions of themselves as they discipline themselves towards it. I like the challenge of flying well. He doesn't like that one thing can go very wrong and can carry fatal consequences. He, like my other really experienced CFI, has seen the story of mistakes...miscalculations...mishaps written in blood. These guys don't know much about the slow creeping death that sends women like me to the tennis courts, shopping malls and extreme yoga adventures. What am I supposed to do with my life? I've pulled a lot of weeds in my garden. They grow back. There's always another fund raiser or club meeting. The same people with the same fabulous ideas show up. The chairperson changes. The jewelry changes. Everything else stays the same. I have found in this exercise towards accomplishing this goal, strength that I didn't know I had. I like it. I like how it shapes me. I like the idea of helping someone else towards who it can help them towards. I like it.

Guess what!?!

I have enough shampoo to wait a while longer!
Yeah - I'm pretty excited about this. I used to hop on an airplane at the end of the summer (tending to my five children) and go somewhere to rest. My somewhere was to the home of my oldest bestest friend. I don't want to get distracted here by airplane stuff but - Love in the Air - love that slogan ... B'ham to Harlingen via NO or Houston...seriously, you can't beat it! I'm a huge fan of SWAirlines. Well - I used to do that when my children were younger (and fewer). Then I started thinking how 'bout just a spa day to look forward to. I like going to a spa by myself. Alone is perfectly okay, blissfully okay, for a day. Then my buddygirl, H, had an idea to go spend the day together...we haven't been able to work that out. Then (she's a genius) she found an Aveda (my favorite stuff) school (--$$$!!!)that sees clients for superduper cheap. She checked it out. She picked up the menu. We've put our heads together. Planning bliss is a lot of fun. Everything was set for this Friday and during the time I've been typing she has txted me - bummer - the services we selected will take too long to fit our window this Friday. Now we're rethinking our date. It's okay - my feet are willing to wait! The one hour revitalizing facial...the hot oil stress relieving scalp massage... . I'm gonna be thinking about it!

nightnight sun - hasta en la manana - maybe


pretty in pink

I just liked this - looked like the hem had been stepped on and was dipping out of this layer of Mother natures stormey dress

system building in the West

The TCUs marched through here last night. I sat up with a smile on my face remembering the lightning flashing in our three o'clock late yesterday afternoon. The big boys were stopping for the fuel they would need to negotiate safe passage with the weather. The frequencies were crowded as they made their adjustments. We started experiencing a bit of turbulence as we approached Jackson Tennessee - our destination for a drop off and quick turn - we wanted to get back home ahead of the red. We did.
Visibility is low today - in the soup. Ground school canceled as instructor is busy with firefighting - I am deciding how to use this windfall of time. Something useful...something worthy...something that moves the ball...hmmm

photo taken yesterday as we hightailed it home ahead of this weather

1358Z 15003 2 200bkn 2100ovc 12/9 2979 Local information for this morning

Reminded of some Poems I've loved

This morning as I finish back reading what is certainly my favorite Blog I was reminded of a favorite poem - by a comment attached to a resonate post - this blog is both beautifully written/illustrated and has an interesting/provocative following of commenters. Good stuff.
I had the good fortune to sit in a class entitled "Great American Poets" while in college. The text book for that class is - it makes me smile - the pages have come loose from the binding - untidy - unlike me exactly like me - Here is the remembered poem and it's contrail...
.

Once Only ~Gary Snyder

almost at the equator

almost at the equinox

exactly at midnight

from a ship

the full

moon

in the center of the sky.

gravityglue

Riprap ~Gary Snyder

Lay down these words

Before your mind like rocks.

placed solid, by hands

In choice of place, set

Before the body of the mind

in space and time:

Solidity of bark, leaf, or wall

riprap of things:

Cobble of milky way,

straying planets,

These poems, people,

lost ponies with

Dragging saddles--

and rocky sure-foot trails.

The worlds like an endless

four-dimensional

Game of Go.

ants and pebbles

In the thin loam, each rock a word

a creek-washed stone

Granite: ingrained

with torment of fire and weight

Crystal and sediment linked hot

all change, in thoughts,

As well as things.

Mending Wall ~Robert Frost

Something there is that doesn't love a wall,

That sends the frozen-ground-swell under it,

And spills the upper boulders in the sun,

And makes gaps even two can pass abreast.

The work of hunters is another thing:

I have come after them and made repair

Where they have left not one stone on a stone,

But they would have the rabbit out of hiding,

To please the yelping dogs. The gaps I mean,

No one has seen them made or heard them made,

But at spring mending-time we find them there.

I let my neighbor know beyond the hill;

And on a day we meet to walk the line

And set the wall between us once again.

We keep the wall between us as we go.

To each the boulders that have fallen to each.

And some are loaves and some so nearly balls

We have to use a spell to make them balance:

'Stay where you are until our backs are turned!'

We wear our fingers rough with handling them.

Oh, just another kind of out-door game,

One on a side. It comes to little more:

There where it is we do not need the wall:

He is all pine and I am apple orchard.

My apple trees will never get across

And eat the cones under his pines, I tell him.

He only says, 'Good fences make good neighbors'.

Spring is the mischief in me, and I wonder

If I could put a notion in his head:

'Why do they make good neighbors? Isn't it

Where there are cows?

But here there are no cows.

Before I built a wall I'd ask to know

What I was walling in or walling out,

And to whom I was like to give offence.

Something there is that doesn't love a wall,

That wants it down.' I could say 'Elves' to him,

But it's not elves exactly, and I'd rather

He said it for himself. I see him there

Bringing a stone grasped firmly by the top

In each hand, like an old-stone savage armed.

He moves in darkness as it seems to me~

Not of woods only and the shade of trees.

He will not go behind his father's saying,

And he likes having thought of it so well

He says again, "Good fences make good neighbors."

i carry your heart with me ~ E. E. Cummings

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling)

i fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

Nothing Gold Can Stay ~Robert Frost

Nature's first green is gold,

Her hardest hue to hold.

Her early leaf's a flower;

But only so an hour.

Then leaf subsides to leaf.

So Eden sank to grief,

So dawn goes down to day.

Nothing gold can stay.

I know why the caged bird sings ~Maya Angelou

A free bird leaps on the back

Of the wind and floats downstream

Till the current ends and dips his wing

In the orange suns rays

And dares to claim the sky.

But a BIRD that stalks down his narrow cage

Can seldom see through his bars of rage

His wings are clipped and his feet are tied

So he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings with a fearful trill

Of things unknown but longed for still

And his tune is heard on the distant hill for

The caged bird sings of freedom.

The free bird thinks of another breeze

And the trade winds soft through

The sighing trees

And the fat worms waiting on a dawn-bright

Lawn and he names the sky his own.

But a caged BIRD stands on the grave of dreams

His shadow shouts on a nightmare scream

His wings are clipped and his feet are tied

So he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings with

A fearful trill of things unknown

But longed for still and his

Tune is heard on the distant hill

For the caged bird sings of freedom.

N1

A Rough Day

As I have said before, raising children is not for the faint of heart. It is surprisingly stressful. Without going in to all the stickiness of the multiple relationships pushingpullinglovingsolidifing under one roof - suffice it to say - there's a lot going on in this mixing bowl that we call home. My very close friend H called yesterday. We always have the best time together. Lots of days we are thinking about the same stuff. She has a precious little handful of her own. She asked about my number one and two (adult) children. I said somewhat forlornly, "You know H, it's rough. They are not turning out to be the cakes I thought I was baking...". She just laughed. And laughed. And then she said, "Wait a minute, I thought you said they were baking you!"

I did say something like that a few months ago. Don't you just hate it when your friends actually listen and remember what you said? Don't you just love it when your friends call you back to who you are when you really really need someone to?

Several months ago I was in Georgia and I bought one of those big zillion dollar pot lottery tickets. I thought, Now that's what I'm talkin' about! A zillion dollar windfall would be a real blessing! Then I thought, wonder what God has to say about what a blessing really is. And I remembered that one of the sources (of blessings) cited is found in our relationships. From there I thought about my husband of thirty years, the father of my five children, my life partner. He pisses me off kinda frequently. I moved on to thinking about my children. My husband, who also makes me laugh pretty often says, "Raising children is like herding cats." He is a man who likes dogs. Then I though of our church "family"...each of whom on any given day may be acting like a real stinker. From there my circle of relationships widened out all the way to causal/superficial. Wow, I thought, my "blessings" are wearing me out! They are wearing the ME out of me...because I cannot be who I am right this minute and be very good at this relationship thing. Does that make sense? I told H that day several months ago. I said something like, "all these years of child raising (24 now) I thought I was raising them ... I thought I was getting them ready to be all that they could be." That day with my lottery ticket in hand I realised that in fact they are raising me ... they are providing the opportunities for God to shape me into the person that He thinks of when He thinks of me.

The relationships that are important to me are the only ones that I won't walk away from when the going gets rough. Rough is the main thing that will cause me to be a little bit different from how I am right now. Rough is the main thing that will shape me. That is not precisely true. I know there is gentle polishing taking place but I am talking about the larger adjustment of removing "self-full-ness". Sometimes it's crazy hard to work things out in relationships that are difficult or hit rough spots (sometimes my rough spots, some times theirs). I'm committed to my children and my husband. I'm pretty commited to some other relationships. I think love commits you. I think I could love more people. I've been learning this past year that we are called to trust God and learn to walk in love. That love is something about how He allows us to participate in what He is doing I think. THat love is part of what He thinks of as blessing. I don't have it all worked out in my mind, but I think I'm on the right track here.

H said, "Wait a minute, I thought you said they were baking you!" Yeah, that's what she said. Thanks H. Thanks for reminding me. Thanks for being a really good friend.

It's hard to know what is right when you are trying to think with both your brain and your heart. To care wholeheartedly with out rushing in where angels fear to tread.

In flying well constant tiny corrections must be made - either by the pilot or the auto pilot. According to the Fundamentals of Instruction beginning pilots are un able to process and apply the importance of trim devices. Their straight and level is up and down - like a wave. They tend to over correct and it just makes things less lovely. It's probably true that as pilots become accustomed to different airplane that they over or under do as they get the feel for the airplane...that's been my experience and it seems intuitively true. The trim is a little different - it's the fine fine tuning that takes the control pressures off the yoke and allows for some pretty smooth flying. So for S/L you would set your pitch, set your power, and then trim it up...same thing for any pitch/power settings... . In turning flight a begining student thinks it's all about "turning" the yoke to roll the airplane - later those turns get coordinated with the appropriate uses of rudder.
My brain is what I count on for the big movements - the yoke. My heart may be the rudder coordinating the course changes or corrections. Those trim tabs are so tiny, yet so helpful, so necessary for really velvety smooth piloting. Maybe that is that soft voice of the Spirit gently assisting us...sometimes it's pretty hard to hear.

Jesus talked about a yoke - in a different context. He said, Matthew 11:29 (New International Version)
29Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.


I'm thinking about this today.

... let love and grace be close at hand. I like thinking about the law of love. chance, cause and effect, and love...I'm not convinced about chance, I'll have to think about that and look at Ecc.9:11 again

The way to love someone is to lightly run your finger over that person's soul until you find a crack, and then gently pour your love into that crack ~ Keith Miller

This is the most important thing I have seen or read today - this is what I am thinking about.

I am "backreading" a blog that is super amusing ... and then I started looking at some comments there ... and then I decided to jump in to the rabbits hole and I came out in a blog written by an Australian ... and I found this quote there and some other sweetness. I am grateful that God smiles on serendipitous meanderings.

"You understand how to be a slave, but you know nothing of freedom...If you had tasted it you would counsel us to fight for it not only with spears but with axes" ~Herodotus

Ecclesiastes12:13 Fear...

Now all has been heard; here is the conclusion of the matter: Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man.

Definition: 1) to fear, revere, be afraid
1a) (Qal)
1a1) to fear, be afraid
1a2) to stand in awe of, be awed
1a3) to fear, reverence, honour, respect
1b) (Niphal)
1b1) to be fearful, be dreadful, be feared
1b2) to cause astonishment and awe, be held in awe
1b3) to inspire reverence or godly fear or awe
1c) (Piel) to make afraid, terrify
2) (TWOT) to shoot, pour
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
a primitive root; to fear; morally, to revere; caus. to
frighten:-affright, be (make) afraid, dread(-ful), (put in)
fear(-ful, -fully, -ing), (be had in) reverence(-end), X see,
terrible (act, -ness, thing).

~ www.net.bible.org


We learn wisdom from failure
much more than from success.
We often discover what will do
by finding out what will not do.
And probably he who never made a mistake
never made a discovery.
~ Samuel Smiles ~

I am thinking about this idea tonight. I am thinking about my own life. I like to accomplish goals - I like to feel successful. Even when all I am doing is cleaning house I like to make a general list of what I want to accomplish and I like to set a realistic time expectation up for how long each task group will take to finish and then I like to try to beat the time...while doing the best possible job of it. Some of the readers of this have no idea how tedious it is to do homemaking ... . I have spent a lot of time alone...well kinda alone...I have five children ranging in age from 24 to 9... . I've spent a lot of time being present with my children and I hope to have a lot more time with each of them. But there is an alonness that we all experience I think. In that silence I like to challenge myself. I have learned over the years to say "uh uh" to the stuff that I can't or won't commit to. I'm not saying that I won't do things that I'm not good at - because I am willing to work at things. I like working towards things that are worth an effort. There are some things in my life that I have put my whole self towards ... and I have come away feeling bad - unable - "Short". There are things that I have had to say - I can not do that...and part of I can not do that feels like failure. That is a sad feeling for me. Recently I came to the realization - I believe - that each of us will stand before God and give an account of ourselves...hmmm...by that I mean we don't get to hide behind excuses or rationalizations...we are unwrapped from our ego/pride.. I'm pretty sure I won't get to say, my husband insisted on this or that, or I chose that behavior because of what someone "did" to me, or I wasn't really quite myself that day...
Our true self worth can only come from fulfilling our role. The role that Solomon describes: honor, respect God, and do what He wants.
That is a pretty simple idea. I like it. Straight forward - clean.
Recently I have discovered that respect is a word not easily defined or understood. I can think of people who I have respect for...I can think of facets of lives that I have respect for...I actually try to be respectful towards almost everyone (yeah...I remember the mom who was parked in my lane the other day ...when I wasn't really quite myself...yeah, I'm working on that me). I have been disrespectful too. I have wished to take back ... to unhammer the nails from the fence I have also been on the other side of that fence ... the side where I was hurt by some one elses disrespect. I have had opportunities to discover what won't do and what will do from either side.
I am surprised at how difficult it is to just show up and stand where God tells me to - and keep my mouth shut and my idea about it all to myself...to be respectful that He knows what He's doing. I mean - I know He does, but .... Or sometimes I think God is asking me to do something that I really just don't want to do. I don't like what it costs me... . I bet I would gladly pay if I could see what He was doing ... if I could trust what He is doing may be more like it! I am so grateful that God is patient in His working of my clay...I am pretty lumpy. "I'm with lumpy..." ha I have thought of the scars that tattoo our souls - now I am thinking of the t shirt that my soul doesn't want to wear.

Re-examine all you have been told.
Dismiss what insults your Soul.
~ Walt Whitman

"There's enough poison in that drink to kill an army platoon. Good thing I'm a marine."~ chuck/tv

One of my sons gave me this quote - He knows that I am interested in the idea expressed by an enduring quote. I don't know how enduring "Chuck" may be, but I do know that I like the idea expressed here - as my son knew I would.
A quick aside at this juncture - I really like that my kids know me and "get" me ... and most days actually like me. I was visiting with my friend who has known me longer than any one other than my brother - she, I would say, knows me better than anyone simply because she knew the kid I used to be all the way through to the person I am now. She has witnessed my life and knows where all the "stuff" is and how it got there. We were laughing together about her son's comment about something horrible her mom had recently done...he said, of course she did - that is exactly who/how she is. I think the reality of it is that she and I could each accurately predict our own mothers behavior - we just chose not to. We both want to believe that at any moment a person may suddenly became a lot "better" version of themselves. My friend and I are both that kind of person who wants to believe that people will do right when they know what "right" is. I think a lot of nice women my age think like that - the luxury of naivety. Fortunately, our children are not as naive...they tend to believe that people will do what is in their own best interest while taking in to account the possible risks ... they put the money in the parking meter not because it is "right" but because they don't want to take the chance on the $20.00 fine - the police in our area are very vigilant.
One of the things I enjoy learning about people is their "life perspective". We're all pretty different.

Socrates
Socrates (469 BC – 399 BC) was one of the first Greek philosophers to encourage both scholars and the common citizen to turn their attention from the outside world to the condition of man. In this view, Knowledge having a bearing on human life was placed highest, all other knowledge being secondary. Self-knowledge was considered necessary for success and inherently an essential good. A self-aware person will act completely within their capabilities to their pinnacle, while an ignorant person will flounder and encounter difficulty. To Socrates, a person must become aware of every fact (and its context) relevant to his existence, if he wishes to attain self-knowledge. He posited that people will naturally do what is good, if they know what is right. Evil or bad actions, are the result of ignorance. If a criminal were truly aware of the mental and spiritual consequences of his actions, he would neither commit nor even consider committing those actions. Any person who knows what is truly right will automatically do it, according to Socrates. While he correlated knowledge with virtue, he similarly equated virtue with happiness. The truly wise man will know what is right, do what is good, and therefore be happy.[1] ~Wikipedia. I first started thinking about it because of Ms. Harwell.

"There's enough poison in that drink to kill an army platoon. Good thing I'm a marine."~ chuck/tv - let's get back to that. The really useful thing about being able to "suspend" the reality that people (including oneself) are not really that nice is that occasionally you are able to be nice, or do something nice. We are able to drink a lot of poison. Ha... we are able to process it...usually. It's good to have a friend who has a similiar perspective. I can see how well she handles the poison in her life. I admire her ability to just keep on moving forward. I honestly think she is a blessing in my life. Good thing she's a marine too.

more quotes that I like

Quotes
Never lose an opportunity of seeing anything that is beautiful;
for beauty is God's handwriting ~ a wayside sacrament.
Welcome it in every fair face, in every fair sky, in every fair flower,
and thank God for it as a cup of blessing.~Ralh Waldo Emerson

Doubt is a pain
too lonely to know
that faith is his twin brother.
~ Kahlil Gibran ~

A loving person lives in a loving world,
A hostile person lives in a hostile world,
Everyone you meet is your mirror.
~ Ken Keyes, Jr (from 'Handbook of Higher Consciousness') ~


Forgiveness is not a moral issue.
It is an energy dynamic...
Forgiveness means that you do not carry the baggage of an experience.
When you choose not to forgive,
the experience that you do not forgive sticks with you.
When you choose not to forgive,
it is like agreeing to wear dark, gruesome sunglasses that distort everything,
and it is you who are forced every day
to look at life through those contaminated lenses
because you have chosen to keep them.
~ Gary Zukav from 'The Seat Of The Soul ~

‘If you wish to travel far and fast, travel light.
Take off all your envies, jealousies, unforgiveness,
selfishness, and fears.’
~ Glenn Clark, Author ~

When you are offended at any man's fault,
turn to yourself and study your own failings.
Then you will forget your anger.
~ Epictetus ~


The act of forgiveness is the act of returning to present time.
And that's why when one has become a forgiving person,
and has managed to let go of the past,
what they've really done is they've shifted their relationship with time.
~ Caroline Myss ~

Unforgiveness is the poison you drink every day
hoping that the other person will die.
~ Debbie Ford

He who is devoid of the power to forgive
is devoid of the power to love.
~ Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. (1929-1968) ~


And in the end,
it's not the years in your life that count,
it's the life in your years.
~ Abraham Lincoln ~

Life can only be understood backwards,
but can only be lived forwards.
~ Author Unknown ~

This life is a test.
It is only a test.
Had it been an actual life,
you would have received further instructions
on where to go and what to do.
~ Author Unknown ~


We learn wisdom from failure
much more than from success.
We often discover what will do
by finding out what will not do.
And probably he who never made a mistake
never made a discovery.
~ Samuel Smiles ~

Re-examine all you have been told.
Dismiss what insults your Soul.
~ Walt Whitman

Unless you start doing something different,
you are in for more of the same.
~ Author Unknown ~

Often people attempt to live their lives backwards.
They try to have more things, or more money,
in order to do more of what they want so they will be happier.
The way it actually works is the reverse.
You must first be who you really are, then do what you need to do,
in order to have what you want.
~ Margaret Young ~

It is good to have an end to journey towards,
but it is the journey that matters, in the end.
~ Ursula K LeGuin, novelilst ~

Say what you mean and act how you feel,
because those who matter don't mind,
and those who mind don't matter.
~ Dr Seuss ~

An intention is a quality of consciousness that you bring to an action.
~ Gary Zukav - from "Seat Of The Soul" ~



Life is either a daring adventure
or nothing.~ Helen Keller ~

Cut not the wings of your dreams,
for they are the heartbeat and the freedom of your soul. ~ Flavia ~

"There's enough poison in that drink to kill an army platoon. Good thing I'm a marine."~ chuck/tv

Left hand/Right seat

ARRRRR. Sometimes I despair that I will never reach my goal. I want to teach a few or maybe several people how to fly or how to fly better as the case may be. My left hand seems to have a mind of it's own.
Seriously - yesterday I drove to the high school to pick up one of my darlings after track practice...some mom was plugging up the lane I was in by going the wrong way - I mean two lanes - one comes, one goes pretty straight forward. I pulled up not aggressively close to her vehicle thinking be cool you can sit here waiting on your kid - she'll make a correction - she knows how the traffic flow works here...dadada Then some other - another mom - pulled in behind her at just about the same time my runner jumped in the car and buckled up. I was aggravated - annoyed. It seemed the most appropriate thing for me to do was back up - back up with kids walking everywhere - 5 teams let out at the same time and the parking lot is swamped with HS athletes - their moms - and a bunch of 16,17,18 year old drivers hopped up on testosterone - all trying to exit from the exact same (only) exit... at twilight. Backing up was probably the most gracious thing to do but it made me feel like a loser. I pointed my index finger at the mom who was blocking me (as she chatted on the phone which annoys me no end also). My daughter said, "Mom, she just pointed back at you." So what did I do? Well, not me...my left hand who has a mind of its own lately...my left hand rolled down the window and shot a little salute to the offending mom. My baby girl was appalled ... I was actually pleased that my left hand didn't make me put the car in park and just gum up the works for everyone. I did manage to back all the way back through that row with out hitting a child or rear ending anything.
Left hands with the beginnings of age spots really should be better behaved. Moms with truly darling well behaved daughters - like mine - really should be better people. That's what I am working on.
That - and getting awesome in the right seat.

Chicken

Chicken - thinking about chicken today. Yesterday we sat, waiting on passengers. My flying buddy asked me what I thought of going to get a pedicure while we waited ...I'd havtah take my boots off for that.... Yeah, that might be too much of an ordeal to let them dry,she said. We went to the movies. This movie house was amazing...for "extra" you could sit upstairs, away from the riffraff, and drink cocktails or order dinner...the ticket agent said there were loveseats or booths. We sat downstairs. Leap Year was our choice. I knew my husband wouldn't want to see it, and it was okay for 6 bucks ... a nice leather seat in an empty theater. We talked as loud as we wanted to about the leads adorable shoes and the stunningly beautiful Irish...?...countryside. In one scene a chickens neck was wrung...outside the shot of course. Where do you think chickens come from? he asked, she answered,The freezer section. My husband and I have had the same conversation - "They come saran wrapped and boneless from the frozen food counters",I remember saying...ha that was a long time ago.

I spent my teenage years living 10 miles from the Texas/Mexico border. In the marcado there was a glass box - it looked a little bit like a popcorn machine. Inside it was a chicken who would "dance" when one put in quarters. The kids would throw those quarters in the slot and laugh like crazy while the chicken danced - the more quarters, the longer, and the more frantically the chicken would dance. The kids I was sneaking into Mexico with didn't realize that the quarters paid for heat in the floor of the glass box.

My brothers and I were not well supervised ... anyone of us would do just about anything when dared by each other. "Are you chicken?" Hahaha no, we weren't chicken - we were mostly young.


"Looking back now, well it makes me laugh
We were growin our hair, we were cuttin' class
Knew it all already, there was nothing to learn
We were strikin' matches just to watch 'em burn

Listen to our music just a little too loud
We were hangin' in there with the outcast crowd
Headin' to the rapids with some discount beer
It was a long train tussle but we had no fear.

Man I don't know, where the time goes
But It sure goes fast, just like that
We were wanna be rebels who didn't have a clue
With our Rock n' roll T-shirts, and our typically bad attitudes
Had no excuses for the things that we'd done
We were brave, we were crazy, we were mostly
Young ..."~lyrics Kenny Chesney

I'm not current on country music - when this came my best friend from back in the day called and said, "Go find this one you're gonna love it." I do.

Prayer

Please help me to capture the many opportunities to smile and feel your love - that love expressed in I Cor. 13 - help me to fill my heart with the comfort and joy found there...and thank you for being willing to capture the shed tears so that I don't have to...thank you for having a bottle for those somewhere other so I don't have to carry them around myself. And thank you for being amazing and willing to amaze. I was amazed to see the sky yesterday - really good. I thought that's not even God's really good work...His really good work is accomplished in the hearts of men (and women). Please help me to be courageous enough to be vulnerable so that your work can be seen in me and maybe be helpful to someone else, but mostly just because I think you enjoy seeing your good work at least as much as I do. Thank you for being amazing.