Talked with my brother while I painted. He said, "Not to alarm you, but I'm not feeling so hot these past several days." If wishes could make things different, I'd spend everyone of mine on him feeling better. Today we talked about just getting through this time. We talked a little bit about how life has prepared us to face the challenges we face. And we talked about faith. He said he has confidence in the goodness of God. He believes that God knows what He is doing. I do too.
I get to go over to visit pretty soon.
I don't have a lot of energy for writing lately. It seems like everything is an effort. I'm re-reading Screwtape Letters, and I think maybe I'll use a study guide this time through, and maybe make some notes here. It is an interesting book.
Also happened into a copy of C.S. Lewis' REFLECTIONS ON THE PSALMS. Haven't gotten very far along in it yet, but I'm going to be glad to have time with it. Maybe I'll make notes on it as well.
It's ... I'm exhausted. I keep my game face on almost all the time, but there is a pervasive dullness that seems to wrap around me. It feels like an octopus attack might. It feels like something with many arms, wrapping, enveloping, choking. I feel pain almost unrelentingly ... all the bones in my face hurt ... and I hear a buzzing, or humming, in my head which feels like an empty room. I am sad. Sad actually hurts physically. At the same time I feel God near. And there is a sweetness to that ... it feels like when I was tiny and my dad came home from work ... and I knew that pretty soon I could hop up in his lap and lay my head against his heart and listen to it beat, My dad was a good hugger and I think God must be too.
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