I did "make" life slow down a bit by cutting back on my job. The best boss in the world said I could work only when I want to ... I said I'd like to work for commission only, he countered with the idea of what ever he is paying me per hour now plus that commission ... we will see, I'm not crazy about keeping up with my hours, plus with sales, it's really hard to tell when I'm "working/not working". I sat with a customer yesterday for an hour and a half when the meeting really might have been concluded (successfully) within 20 minutes. She had a port installed on Monday and her first infusion yesterday. She went in at 8 believing she'd be done by 9 - no big deal, and was a bit overwhelmed by the process. I guess it all got really real as she sat there with a room full of not quite-well-strangers. Cancer ... sucks. Cancer ... tries to suck every strength out of you. (Enough of that, I'm getting a bit wound up here ... ). So ... she is S1 and I believe her prognosis is excellent ... but she still needed an apparently-well stranger to help her process it. I noticed that she is like me with so many of her basic ways of addressing life ... pragmatic, capable ... strong (... surprising comfortable with stranger/friends knowing her private emotional business, we don't want to trouble our "people" with our pains ... how bizarre is that?). She said a lot of people depend on her (small business owner, only daughter of an aging parent). She was pulling herself together as she said, "Just every once in a while I wish someone would "baby-me" ... amen sister ... I get it. I told her that I think she will have to let her people know that she needs them to step up to the plate for her on this part of the journey. Some times is hard to start a sentence with "I need" when you are very comfortable with "what can I do for you?" Some people like not needing ... and we tend to either attract people who like us not needing or maybe we help mold our relationships towards that, probably both, idk. I also suggested that she think of some way to "buy" a bit of pampering (like a pedicure ... she doesn't know that this will probably dry her skin out yet). As I type this morning I recall what seemed very bizarre when I first heard of it ... which is, someone has a business of selling "hugs". Just hugs. Well, maybe it's more like "holding" ... hugs and holding with out expectations ... physical touch without sexual nuance ... I get it now, it might even feel like someone is catching you as you fall. So ... I stayed with her for probably a couple of hours. I don't think that could possibly be called "working". The best boss in the world said if I change my mind in a month or two and want to work more just let him know ... in the meanwhile I am surprised by how busy just wrapping up what I had going at work is keeping me. I am hoping for a few truly outstanding commission checks from what I have going. I think I'm a person who prefers working for straight commission because the time I want to waste on not working isn't be paid for as if it were working.
We are seriously (maybe, it seems so this time) preparing to move back to Texas. I feel surprisingly ambivalent about that. I am a Texan ... and it's pretty apparent when we go back that stuff ... little stuff like how the roads work ... stuff makes sense to me in Texas. The unrest that our country is experiencing "feels" less crazy to me in Texas. I don't know why. It may be about the sort of men who wear boots ... I really don't know what it is, just that it is in fact a "safer", better feeling place. Austin is weird. Texas politics is ... weird is a nice word for it. Maybe it's just that Texans tend to be practical people. And friendly in a mind their own business sort of way. Anyway ... we continue to look both North and South of the State capital. I don't like heading back after all my home-folk are dead. I don't like that not one of my children live there. I do like that breathing is easier there ... and there are plenty of places that know how to cook brisket ... and the tortillas and tamales are real. Everything tastes better in Texas. That is a truth. (Well ... not the local wine ... it may taste better in Texas then the same bottle tastes over here but ... I'm just trying not to stretch the truth.)
So ... I am back to finishing up a few little projects around the house before we put it on the market. I think Sammy will love Texas ... and when he starts barking in the middle of the night I'll know it's just those pesky deer again.
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