After Christmas this year I had the new experience of releasing ashes (cremation ashes) - it surprised me. It was a private thing and I'm not trying to write about that specifically, I just want to note this part -
I scooped up small handfuls of what remained and stretched out my arms under the moonlight ... the breeze so very gently lifted the ashes carrying them away and it felt Holy ... it felt like God was "nearer" than usual.
Because of that experience I thought I wanted to not intentionally hold on to the "ashes" that I have kept in jars in my heart.
This lingering dream might be a like jar of ashes ... an offering to the unforced rhythms of grace.
(notes from July 2010, which was an incredibly stressful time in my life)
The other anxiety dream I had last night was very confusing.
I asked the guys today if they think a King Air can do a loop. One of my guys says that's just a 1.5g maneuver ... I was wondering if they have enough power not structural strength. I have flown loops in a T6. I liked it. I actually loved that plane, but this isn't about that.
The dream started with a low fast track over a country road.
I was left seat and another pilot (the flying pilot at this time) was in the right seat. He was familiar with the plane, but I was first time in - the flight felt like an orientation flight or maybe an interview.
He asked me for a piece of info and I looked overhead where I expected the gauge to be - it wasn't there and he roughly tapped - impatiently tapped- on the glass face indicating where to look. It didn't bother me but I took note - it taught me a little about what to expect the rest of the ride to be like.
I looked outside at the ground and guessed our agl at about 500 feet and we were moving along rather briskly. I thought something like "What is he doing?" It felt odd, but not alarmingly so. Next thing I know he has pulled up into a loop ... totally unexpected by me. I thought in the dream how high can we get before this thing stalls ... I could feel the gs then almost immediately we were on the other side of the loop. I observed that he had positive control and seemed very comfortably with what he was doing. Things seemed weird, but okay. In the next nanosecond I looked outside and saw/felt the ground coming at us fast and I thought; now I die. This is how it feels right before you die.
I scooted towards the other person as close as the seatbelt would allow just like used to do in early flight training when I was unsure and I smiled to myself thinking about how long the distance past that sweet memory had traveled from. I felt calm.
Then he leveled out - about 500 ft agl. I realized that he was measuring the margin he wanted - before - when I was wondering what he was doing.
"Your controls." he said.
Thank you Jesus I thought.
I flew the plane to where we were going - it was a country strip with a charming little restaurant near by.
The props were barely stopped when he jumped out of the plane and I saw him run off towards a restaurant. He was gesturing for me to hurry up and I was thinking - Man, I like to button up the plane before I step away ... should I close it up?
I stared out jogging towards him, but he just sped up and I thought this guy is really fast - too fast for me to catch up with. I saw him leap up the steps to the porch of the restaurant as I lagged behind ... and I thought if this is part of the job I'm going to have to get into better shape!
When I got in I told the hostess to seat me with the guy who had just come in.
She hadn't seated him or seen him and told me she'd walk me through the rooms looking for him.
We couldn't find him. There were a lot of people there - dining - and I thought it amazing that so many people show up out here for lunch... it was like an old farm house set up as a home style restaurant. It was pretty, lovely really, and unexpected. The windows had lovely old lace curtains. I walked over to one of them for a closer look and I saw the pilot out there at a bit of a distance walking along maybe a canal edge ... some sort of rise near the water.
I felt a little exasperated with him. It seemed like a wild goose chase to me and it seemed like I was clueless as to what and why.
I asked for a table and a pitcher of lemonade. I decided to sit and wait.
That was the end of the dream. I have no clue what it means and doubt that it means anything. I felt confused and almost annoyed during the dream.
This dream was noted 26 July 2010.
That's a long time ago and it's so unusual that it's stayed on my mind, like a back burner puzzle. I'm not really even a person who believes dreams "mean" something. I think dreams are a processing mechanism for something you want to understand, but need a different perspective or more information.
So here we are almost ten years after this dream. I don't think it's about eating alone, or flying a plane, or even the fun of the loop, or the other pilot.
It may have started out as an "interview", in the dream he definitely knew what he was doing.
I was naive but fortunate in the dream ... the GPS directed the flight to a good place.
In the dream I decided to sit and wait ... in a good place.
That is how the dream ended.
I think it's about the place, not how I got there or the various people in the dream. Mark Twain observed that life consists mainly of the storm of thoughts that is forever blowing through one's head. Probably that sensibility is more accurate for some of us than it is for others. I have been a little snagged up in trying to figure out the behavior of the other pilot. Kinda silly since I didn't even know him well enough to understand his choices - he was a stranger and chose to distance himself once we landed.
Maybe the dream will make sense eventually, but I don't usually expect dreams to make sense.
It's interesting how dreams don't end like stories seem to.
Fun dream. All good.
That which the dream shows is the shadow of such wisdom as exists in man, even if during his waking state he may know nothing about it.... We do not know it because we are fooling away our time with outward and perishing things, and are asleep in regard to that which is real within ourself.
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