My husband and oldest son are off in pursuit of something Andrew Ellicott. They're going to Baton Rouge They'll be back late Wednesday. I'm glad my son is going. It's not his thing, but a break will be good for him. He's waiting to hear back from the Navy. Military downsizing has him concerned.
In Sunday school we have been watching a video series titled "The Five Love Languages" (Gary Chapman). It is amazing how differently people communicate and "hear" love. You would think that married couples had this whole thing pretty well figured out. My husband says I am very complicated and I sometimes sense him studying me - like a science project. I don't like that feeling. I think I am extremely uncomplicated - simple really.
We took the quiz - the love language quiz.
A.Words of Affirmation- L5,D6
B.Quality Time - L12,D8
C.Receiving Gifts - L0,D6
D.Acts of Service - L8,D5
E.Physical Touch - L5,D5
The quiz is set up with thirty question like this: 1 I like to receive notes of affirmation from my spouse (A) or I like it when my spouse hugs me (E). You work through the thirty choosing this more than that. I bet it would render different results if each question made all five choices available. My sample is weighted pretty evenly with Quality Time pulling slightly out front.
According to the author:
Words of Affirmation = "One way to express love emotionally is to use words that build up. Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. Proverbs 12:18 Encouragement requires empathy and seeing the world from your spouses perspective. When you make a request of your spouse, you are affirming his or her worth and abilities."
Quality time = "Togetherness has to do with focused attention. Quality conversation means sympathetic dialogue where two individuals are sharing their experiences, thoughts, feelings, and desires in a friendly, uninterrupted context."
Receiving Gifts = "Gifts are visual symbols of love. If the willingness is there, the gift is acceptable according to what one has, not according to what he does not have. I Corinthians 8:12 The worth of gifts has nothing to do with monetary value and everything to do with love. Physical presence in the time of crisis is the most powerful gift you can give if your spouse's primary love language is receiving gifts."
Acts of Service = "Sometimes doing simple chores around the house can be an undeniable expression of love." He suggests we make a list of items and rate their importance to us so that the act of service is actually what the receiver values. "The spouse who performs acts of service out of fear, guilt, and resentment understands clearly that these are not expressions of love. A doormat is an inanimate object. No person should ever be a doormat. Allowing oneself to be used or manipulated by another is not an act of love. You are allowing him or her to develop inhumane habits. Love says, I love you too much to let you treat me this way. It is not good for you or me."
Physical Touch = "...Physical touch is a way of communicating emotional love. Babies who are held, hugged, and kissed develop a healthier emotional life then those who are left for long periods of time without physical contact. Physical touch is also a powerful vehicle for communicating marital love. Whatever there is of me resides in my body. To touch my body is to touch me."
While I scored pretty evenly across the spectrum Quality Time was just a tad more important to me. That's probably true. I am sure that it is the most guarded of the expressions of love that I give. I really see time as limited and precious. When I share time with someone I see that as a big deal. There are so many cool things, so many necessary things, so many wonderful things - there's a lot to do and it all takes time. One of the most memorable things about my husband when we were dating was that he was always on time. He's been very reliable about time in the thirty years that we've been married. I really appreciate that. I remember a lesson learned when I worked with one flight instructor who routinely rearranged my flight lessons for some unknown reasons. It wasn't a huge problem but it was somewhat difficult for me because of my many time commitments. Our work together ended when he “blew off” one training appointment too many. Quality time is important to me.
Words of Affirmation and Receiving Gifts are next for me. Yeah - I think it is super important to speak politely and encouragingly ... to be caring. When I get exasperated or overwhelmed, mean talk is my first line of defense or offense. It always makes me feel horrible when
I cool down. Mean talk just tears people down. That never makes anyone stronger or better. Nobody wins. I am getting a lot better at not talking or acting in a hurtful way.
Next gifts - I like to give gifts ... I like to spend a bit of time thinking about what someone would especially like. I'm big on thank you notes and thank you gifts. As far as receiving gifts - that makes me uncomfortable unless it's Christmas or my birthday.
The gift of physical presence seems super special to me, but hard to accept. I can see that trusting someone to be there for me is pretty difficult. I don't like to feel vulnerable and I keep that from happening whenever possible. My dysfunctional up bringing didn't support counting on others. My husband tends to be emotionally unavailable in stressful times. He would help me out if I ran out of gas, but anything really stressful would be iffy. I would hate to be in a crisis situation ... I'm not sure I have the people to help me through that. I am secretly afraid of dealing with cancer. I think I'd have to do that pretty much on my own.
Acts of Service and Physical Touch where tied and just barely less important then the other love languages. I like doing things for people and I like touching people.
I see all of these "languages" as closely related ... maybe even not separate at all. I think love is a choice.
Tiny tiny tiny written on the inside of my wrist - protecttrusthopepersevere-love. I started writing it there in August last year. I write it there to remind myself that I am making choices. Even on days when I am stressed out I am making choices. This year I've been learning that I wasn't built to carry my own load. I simply wasn't designed with the lifting capacity. I wouldn't intentionally over load anyone or anything else.
The Message translation of Matthew 11:28-30 follows:
“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”
Jesus demonstrated fluency in these so called love languages. I Corinthians 13 is a description of that love.
In Sunday school we have been watching a video series titled "The Five Love Languages" (Gary Chapman). It is amazing how differently people communicate and "hear" love. You would think that married couples had this whole thing pretty well figured out. My husband says I am very complicated and I sometimes sense him studying me - like a science project. I don't like that feeling. I think I am extremely uncomplicated - simple really.
We took the quiz - the love language quiz.
A.Words of Affirmation- L5,D6
B.Quality Time - L12,D8
C.Receiving Gifts - L0,D6
D.Acts of Service - L8,D5
E.Physical Touch - L5,D5
The quiz is set up with thirty question like this: 1 I like to receive notes of affirmation from my spouse (A) or I like it when my spouse hugs me (E). You work through the thirty choosing this more than that. I bet it would render different results if each question made all five choices available. My sample is weighted pretty evenly with Quality Time pulling slightly out front.
According to the author:
Words of Affirmation = "One way to express love emotionally is to use words that build up. Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. Proverbs 12:18 Encouragement requires empathy and seeing the world from your spouses perspective. When you make a request of your spouse, you are affirming his or her worth and abilities."
Quality time = "Togetherness has to do with focused attention. Quality conversation means sympathetic dialogue where two individuals are sharing their experiences, thoughts, feelings, and desires in a friendly, uninterrupted context."
Receiving Gifts = "Gifts are visual symbols of love. If the willingness is there, the gift is acceptable according to what one has, not according to what he does not have. I Corinthians 8:12 The worth of gifts has nothing to do with monetary value and everything to do with love. Physical presence in the time of crisis is the most powerful gift you can give if your spouse's primary love language is receiving gifts."
Acts of Service = "Sometimes doing simple chores around the house can be an undeniable expression of love." He suggests we make a list of items and rate their importance to us so that the act of service is actually what the receiver values. "The spouse who performs acts of service out of fear, guilt, and resentment understands clearly that these are not expressions of love. A doormat is an inanimate object. No person should ever be a doormat. Allowing oneself to be used or manipulated by another is not an act of love. You are allowing him or her to develop inhumane habits. Love says, I love you too much to let you treat me this way. It is not good for you or me."
Physical Touch = "...Physical touch is a way of communicating emotional love. Babies who are held, hugged, and kissed develop a healthier emotional life then those who are left for long periods of time without physical contact. Physical touch is also a powerful vehicle for communicating marital love. Whatever there is of me resides in my body. To touch my body is to touch me."
While I scored pretty evenly across the spectrum Quality Time was just a tad more important to me. That's probably true. I am sure that it is the most guarded of the expressions of love that I give. I really see time as limited and precious. When I share time with someone I see that as a big deal. There are so many cool things, so many necessary things, so many wonderful things - there's a lot to do and it all takes time. One of the most memorable things about my husband when we were dating was that he was always on time. He's been very reliable about time in the thirty years that we've been married. I really appreciate that. I remember a lesson learned when I worked with one flight instructor who routinely rearranged my flight lessons for some unknown reasons. It wasn't a huge problem but it was somewhat difficult for me because of my many time commitments. Our work together ended when he “blew off” one training appointment too many. Quality time is important to me.
Words of Affirmation and Receiving Gifts are next for me. Yeah - I think it is super important to speak politely and encouragingly ... to be caring. When I get exasperated or overwhelmed, mean talk is my first line of defense or offense. It always makes me feel horrible when
I cool down. Mean talk just tears people down. That never makes anyone stronger or better. Nobody wins. I am getting a lot better at not talking or acting in a hurtful way.
Next gifts - I like to give gifts ... I like to spend a bit of time thinking about what someone would especially like. I'm big on thank you notes and thank you gifts. As far as receiving gifts - that makes me uncomfortable unless it's Christmas or my birthday.
The gift of physical presence seems super special to me, but hard to accept. I can see that trusting someone to be there for me is pretty difficult. I don't like to feel vulnerable and I keep that from happening whenever possible. My dysfunctional up bringing didn't support counting on others. My husband tends to be emotionally unavailable in stressful times. He would help me out if I ran out of gas, but anything really stressful would be iffy. I would hate to be in a crisis situation ... I'm not sure I have the people to help me through that. I am secretly afraid of dealing with cancer. I think I'd have to do that pretty much on my own.
Acts of Service and Physical Touch where tied and just barely less important then the other love languages. I like doing things for people and I like touching people.
I see all of these "languages" as closely related ... maybe even not separate at all. I think love is a choice.
Tiny tiny tiny written on the inside of my wrist - protecttrusthopepersevere-love. I started writing it there in August last year. I write it there to remind myself that I am making choices. Even on days when I am stressed out I am making choices. This year I've been learning that I wasn't built to carry my own load. I simply wasn't designed with the lifting capacity. I wouldn't intentionally over load anyone or anything else.
The Message translation of Matthew 11:28-30 follows:
“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”
Jesus demonstrated fluency in these so called love languages. I Corinthians 13 is a description of that love.
3 comments:
just so you know...
if you ever have cancer and lose all your hair, i will cut all my hair off and get a wig made for you since i have really good hair like you once had okay.
love you. mean it.
I think I could rock bald ... I would need someone to sit in the waiting room with me ... it's the waiting rooms that are so scarey! I know you mean it. I love you too.
Thank you for that post. And my sweetie (Lisa) and I are lucky, in that we share primary love languages. I have a deal with her that if she loses the hair she still has (after 14 of 16 chemotherapy treatments), I will shave my own head in solidarity.
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