Reminded of some Poems I've loved

This morning as I finish back reading what is certainly my favorite Blog I was reminded of a favorite poem - by a comment attached to a resonate post - this blog is both beautifully written/illustrated and has an interesting/provocative following of commenters. Good stuff.
I had the good fortune to sit in a class entitled "Great American Poets" while in college. The text book for that class is - it makes me smile - the pages have come loose from the binding - untidy - unlike me exactly like me - Here is the remembered poem and it's contrail...
.

Once Only ~Gary Snyder

almost at the equator

almost at the equinox

exactly at midnight

from a ship

the full

moon

in the center of the sky.

gravityglue

Riprap ~Gary Snyder

Lay down these words

Before your mind like rocks.

placed solid, by hands

In choice of place, set

Before the body of the mind

in space and time:

Solidity of bark, leaf, or wall

riprap of things:

Cobble of milky way,

straying planets,

These poems, people,

lost ponies with

Dragging saddles--

and rocky sure-foot trails.

The worlds like an endless

four-dimensional

Game of Go.

ants and pebbles

In the thin loam, each rock a word

a creek-washed stone

Granite: ingrained

with torment of fire and weight

Crystal and sediment linked hot

all change, in thoughts,

As well as things.

Mending Wall ~Robert Frost

Something there is that doesn't love a wall,

That sends the frozen-ground-swell under it,

And spills the upper boulders in the sun,

And makes gaps even two can pass abreast.

The work of hunters is another thing:

I have come after them and made repair

Where they have left not one stone on a stone,

But they would have the rabbit out of hiding,

To please the yelping dogs. The gaps I mean,

No one has seen them made or heard them made,

But at spring mending-time we find them there.

I let my neighbor know beyond the hill;

And on a day we meet to walk the line

And set the wall between us once again.

We keep the wall between us as we go.

To each the boulders that have fallen to each.

And some are loaves and some so nearly balls

We have to use a spell to make them balance:

'Stay where you are until our backs are turned!'

We wear our fingers rough with handling them.

Oh, just another kind of out-door game,

One on a side. It comes to little more:

There where it is we do not need the wall:

He is all pine and I am apple orchard.

My apple trees will never get across

And eat the cones under his pines, I tell him.

He only says, 'Good fences make good neighbors'.

Spring is the mischief in me, and I wonder

If I could put a notion in his head:

'Why do they make good neighbors? Isn't it

Where there are cows?

But here there are no cows.

Before I built a wall I'd ask to know

What I was walling in or walling out,

And to whom I was like to give offence.

Something there is that doesn't love a wall,

That wants it down.' I could say 'Elves' to him,

But it's not elves exactly, and I'd rather

He said it for himself. I see him there

Bringing a stone grasped firmly by the top

In each hand, like an old-stone savage armed.

He moves in darkness as it seems to me~

Not of woods only and the shade of trees.

He will not go behind his father's saying,

And he likes having thought of it so well

He says again, "Good fences make good neighbors."

i carry your heart with me ~ E. E. Cummings

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling)

i fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

Nothing Gold Can Stay ~Robert Frost

Nature's first green is gold,

Her hardest hue to hold.

Her early leaf's a flower;

But only so an hour.

Then leaf subsides to leaf.

So Eden sank to grief,

So dawn goes down to day.

Nothing gold can stay.

I know why the caged bird sings ~Maya Angelou

A free bird leaps on the back

Of the wind and floats downstream

Till the current ends and dips his wing

In the orange suns rays

And dares to claim the sky.

But a BIRD that stalks down his narrow cage

Can seldom see through his bars of rage

His wings are clipped and his feet are tied

So he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings with a fearful trill

Of things unknown but longed for still

And his tune is heard on the distant hill for

The caged bird sings of freedom.

The free bird thinks of another breeze

And the trade winds soft through

The sighing trees

And the fat worms waiting on a dawn-bright

Lawn and he names the sky his own.

But a caged BIRD stands on the grave of dreams

His shadow shouts on a nightmare scream

His wings are clipped and his feet are tied

So he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings with

A fearful trill of things unknown

But longed for still and his

Tune is heard on the distant hill

For the caged bird sings of freedom.

N1

A Rough Day

As I have said before, raising children is not for the faint of heart. It is surprisingly stressful. Without going in to all the stickiness of the multiple relationships pushingpullinglovingsolidifing under one roof - suffice it to say - there's a lot going on in this mixing bowl that we call home. My very close friend H called yesterday. We always have the best time together. Lots of days we are thinking about the same stuff. She has a precious little handful of her own. She asked about my number one and two (adult) children. I said somewhat forlornly, "You know H, it's rough. They are not turning out to be the cakes I thought I was baking...". She just laughed. And laughed. And then she said, "Wait a minute, I thought you said they were baking you!"

I did say something like that a few months ago. Don't you just hate it when your friends actually listen and remember what you said? Don't you just love it when your friends call you back to who you are when you really really need someone to?

Several months ago I was in Georgia and I bought one of those big zillion dollar pot lottery tickets. I thought, Now that's what I'm talkin' about! A zillion dollar windfall would be a real blessing! Then I thought, wonder what God has to say about what a blessing really is. And I remembered that one of the sources (of blessings) cited is found in our relationships. From there I thought about my husband of thirty years, the father of my five children, my life partner. He pisses me off kinda frequently. I moved on to thinking about my children. My husband, who also makes me laugh pretty often says, "Raising children is like herding cats." He is a man who likes dogs. Then I though of our church "family"...each of whom on any given day may be acting like a real stinker. From there my circle of relationships widened out all the way to causal/superficial. Wow, I thought, my "blessings" are wearing me out! They are wearing the ME out of me...because I cannot be who I am right this minute and be very good at this relationship thing. Does that make sense? I told H that day several months ago. I said something like, "all these years of child raising (24 now) I thought I was raising them ... I thought I was getting them ready to be all that they could be." That day with my lottery ticket in hand I realised that in fact they are raising me ... they are providing the opportunities for God to shape me into the person that He thinks of when He thinks of me.

The relationships that are important to me are the only ones that I won't walk away from when the going gets rough. Rough is the main thing that will cause me to be a little bit different from how I am right now. Rough is the main thing that will shape me. That is not precisely true. I know there is gentle polishing taking place but I am talking about the larger adjustment of removing "self-full-ness". Sometimes it's crazy hard to work things out in relationships that are difficult or hit rough spots (sometimes my rough spots, some times theirs). I'm committed to my children and my husband. I'm pretty commited to some other relationships. I think love commits you. I think I could love more people. I've been learning this past year that we are called to trust God and learn to walk in love. That love is something about how He allows us to participate in what He is doing I think. THat love is part of what He thinks of as blessing. I don't have it all worked out in my mind, but I think I'm on the right track here.

H said, "Wait a minute, I thought you said they were baking you!" Yeah, that's what she said. Thanks H. Thanks for reminding me. Thanks for being a really good friend.

It's hard to know what is right when you are trying to think with both your brain and your heart. To care wholeheartedly with out rushing in where angels fear to tread.

In flying well constant tiny corrections must be made - either by the pilot or the auto pilot. According to the Fundamentals of Instruction beginning pilots are un able to process and apply the importance of trim devices. Their straight and level is up and down - like a wave. They tend to over correct and it just makes things less lovely. It's probably true that as pilots become accustomed to different airplane that they over or under do as they get the feel for the airplane...that's been my experience and it seems intuitively true. The trim is a little different - it's the fine fine tuning that takes the control pressures off the yoke and allows for some pretty smooth flying. So for S/L you would set your pitch, set your power, and then trim it up...same thing for any pitch/power settings... . In turning flight a begining student thinks it's all about "turning" the yoke to roll the airplane - later those turns get coordinated with the appropriate uses of rudder.
My brain is what I count on for the big movements - the yoke. My heart may be the rudder coordinating the course changes or corrections. Those trim tabs are so tiny, yet so helpful, so necessary for really velvety smooth piloting. Maybe that is that soft voice of the Spirit gently assisting us...sometimes it's pretty hard to hear.

Jesus talked about a yoke - in a different context. He said, Matthew 11:29 (New International Version)
29Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.


I'm thinking about this today.

... let love and grace be close at hand. I like thinking about the law of love. chance, cause and effect, and love...I'm not convinced about chance, I'll have to think about that and look at Ecc.9:11 again

The way to love someone is to lightly run your finger over that person's soul until you find a crack, and then gently pour your love into that crack ~ Keith Miller

This is the most important thing I have seen or read today - this is what I am thinking about.

I am "backreading" a blog that is super amusing ... and then I started looking at some comments there ... and then I decided to jump in to the rabbits hole and I came out in a blog written by an Australian ... and I found this quote there and some other sweetness. I am grateful that God smiles on serendipitous meanderings.

"You understand how to be a slave, but you know nothing of freedom...If you had tasted it you would counsel us to fight for it not only with spears but with axes" ~Herodotus

Ecclesiastes12:13 Fear...

Now all has been heard; here is the conclusion of the matter: Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man.

Definition: 1) to fear, revere, be afraid
1a) (Qal)
1a1) to fear, be afraid
1a2) to stand in awe of, be awed
1a3) to fear, reverence, honour, respect
1b) (Niphal)
1b1) to be fearful, be dreadful, be feared
1b2) to cause astonishment and awe, be held in awe
1b3) to inspire reverence or godly fear or awe
1c) (Piel) to make afraid, terrify
2) (TWOT) to shoot, pour
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
a primitive root; to fear; morally, to revere; caus. to
frighten:-affright, be (make) afraid, dread(-ful), (put in)
fear(-ful, -fully, -ing), (be had in) reverence(-end), X see,
terrible (act, -ness, thing).

~ www.net.bible.org


We learn wisdom from failure
much more than from success.
We often discover what will do
by finding out what will not do.
And probably he who never made a mistake
never made a discovery.
~ Samuel Smiles ~

I am thinking about this idea tonight. I am thinking about my own life. I like to accomplish goals - I like to feel successful. Even when all I am doing is cleaning house I like to make a general list of what I want to accomplish and I like to set a realistic time expectation up for how long each task group will take to finish and then I like to try to beat the time...while doing the best possible job of it. Some of the readers of this have no idea how tedious it is to do homemaking ... . I have spent a lot of time alone...well kinda alone...I have five children ranging in age from 24 to 9... . I've spent a lot of time being present with my children and I hope to have a lot more time with each of them. But there is an alonness that we all experience I think. In that silence I like to challenge myself. I have learned over the years to say "uh uh" to the stuff that I can't or won't commit to. I'm not saying that I won't do things that I'm not good at - because I am willing to work at things. I like working towards things that are worth an effort. There are some things in my life that I have put my whole self towards ... and I have come away feeling bad - unable - "Short". There are things that I have had to say - I can not do that...and part of I can not do that feels like failure. That is a sad feeling for me. Recently I came to the realization - I believe - that each of us will stand before God and give an account of ourselves...hmmm...by that I mean we don't get to hide behind excuses or rationalizations...we are unwrapped from our ego/pride.. I'm pretty sure I won't get to say, my husband insisted on this or that, or I chose that behavior because of what someone "did" to me, or I wasn't really quite myself that day...
Our true self worth can only come from fulfilling our role. The role that Solomon describes: honor, respect God, and do what He wants.
That is a pretty simple idea. I like it. Straight forward - clean.
Recently I have discovered that respect is a word not easily defined or understood. I can think of people who I have respect for...I can think of facets of lives that I have respect for...I actually try to be respectful towards almost everyone (yeah...I remember the mom who was parked in my lane the other day ...when I wasn't really quite myself...yeah, I'm working on that me). I have been disrespectful too. I have wished to take back ... to unhammer the nails from the fence I have also been on the other side of that fence ... the side where I was hurt by some one elses disrespect. I have had opportunities to discover what won't do and what will do from either side.
I am surprised at how difficult it is to just show up and stand where God tells me to - and keep my mouth shut and my idea about it all to myself...to be respectful that He knows what He's doing. I mean - I know He does, but .... Or sometimes I think God is asking me to do something that I really just don't want to do. I don't like what it costs me... . I bet I would gladly pay if I could see what He was doing ... if I could trust what He is doing may be more like it! I am so grateful that God is patient in His working of my clay...I am pretty lumpy. "I'm with lumpy..." ha I have thought of the scars that tattoo our souls - now I am thinking of the t shirt that my soul doesn't want to wear.

Re-examine all you have been told.
Dismiss what insults your Soul.
~ Walt Whitman

"There's enough poison in that drink to kill an army platoon. Good thing I'm a marine."~ chuck/tv

One of my sons gave me this quote - He knows that I am interested in the idea expressed by an enduring quote. I don't know how enduring "Chuck" may be, but I do know that I like the idea expressed here - as my son knew I would.
A quick aside at this juncture - I really like that my kids know me and "get" me ... and most days actually like me. I was visiting with my friend who has known me longer than any one other than my brother - she, I would say, knows me better than anyone simply because she knew the kid I used to be all the way through to the person I am now. She has witnessed my life and knows where all the "stuff" is and how it got there. We were laughing together about her son's comment about something horrible her mom had recently done...he said, of course she did - that is exactly who/how she is. I think the reality of it is that she and I could each accurately predict our own mothers behavior - we just chose not to. We both want to believe that at any moment a person may suddenly became a lot "better" version of themselves. My friend and I are both that kind of person who wants to believe that people will do right when they know what "right" is. I think a lot of nice women my age think like that - the luxury of naivety. Fortunately, our children are not as naive...they tend to believe that people will do what is in their own best interest while taking in to account the possible risks ... they put the money in the parking meter not because it is "right" but because they don't want to take the chance on the $20.00 fine - the police in our area are very vigilant.
One of the things I enjoy learning about people is their "life perspective". We're all pretty different.

Socrates
Socrates (469 BC – 399 BC) was one of the first Greek philosophers to encourage both scholars and the common citizen to turn their attention from the outside world to the condition of man. In this view, Knowledge having a bearing on human life was placed highest, all other knowledge being secondary. Self-knowledge was considered necessary for success and inherently an essential good. A self-aware person will act completely within their capabilities to their pinnacle, while an ignorant person will flounder and encounter difficulty. To Socrates, a person must become aware of every fact (and its context) relevant to his existence, if he wishes to attain self-knowledge. He posited that people will naturally do what is good, if they know what is right. Evil or bad actions, are the result of ignorance. If a criminal were truly aware of the mental and spiritual consequences of his actions, he would neither commit nor even consider committing those actions. Any person who knows what is truly right will automatically do it, according to Socrates. While he correlated knowledge with virtue, he similarly equated virtue with happiness. The truly wise man will know what is right, do what is good, and therefore be happy.[1] ~Wikipedia. I first started thinking about it because of Ms. Harwell.

"There's enough poison in that drink to kill an army platoon. Good thing I'm a marine."~ chuck/tv - let's get back to that. The really useful thing about being able to "suspend" the reality that people (including oneself) are not really that nice is that occasionally you are able to be nice, or do something nice. We are able to drink a lot of poison. Ha... we are able to process it...usually. It's good to have a friend who has a similiar perspective. I can see how well she handles the poison in her life. I admire her ability to just keep on moving forward. I honestly think she is a blessing in my life. Good thing she's a marine too.

more quotes that I like

Quotes
Never lose an opportunity of seeing anything that is beautiful;
for beauty is God's handwriting ~ a wayside sacrament.
Welcome it in every fair face, in every fair sky, in every fair flower,
and thank God for it as a cup of blessing.~Ralh Waldo Emerson

Doubt is a pain
too lonely to know
that faith is his twin brother.
~ Kahlil Gibran ~

A loving person lives in a loving world,
A hostile person lives in a hostile world,
Everyone you meet is your mirror.
~ Ken Keyes, Jr (from 'Handbook of Higher Consciousness') ~


Forgiveness is not a moral issue.
It is an energy dynamic...
Forgiveness means that you do not carry the baggage of an experience.
When you choose not to forgive,
the experience that you do not forgive sticks with you.
When you choose not to forgive,
it is like agreeing to wear dark, gruesome sunglasses that distort everything,
and it is you who are forced every day
to look at life through those contaminated lenses
because you have chosen to keep them.
~ Gary Zukav from 'The Seat Of The Soul ~

‘If you wish to travel far and fast, travel light.
Take off all your envies, jealousies, unforgiveness,
selfishness, and fears.’
~ Glenn Clark, Author ~

When you are offended at any man's fault,
turn to yourself and study your own failings.
Then you will forget your anger.
~ Epictetus ~


The act of forgiveness is the act of returning to present time.
And that's why when one has become a forgiving person,
and has managed to let go of the past,
what they've really done is they've shifted their relationship with time.
~ Caroline Myss ~

Unforgiveness is the poison you drink every day
hoping that the other person will die.
~ Debbie Ford

He who is devoid of the power to forgive
is devoid of the power to love.
~ Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. (1929-1968) ~


And in the end,
it's not the years in your life that count,
it's the life in your years.
~ Abraham Lincoln ~

Life can only be understood backwards,
but can only be lived forwards.
~ Author Unknown ~

This life is a test.
It is only a test.
Had it been an actual life,
you would have received further instructions
on where to go and what to do.
~ Author Unknown ~


We learn wisdom from failure
much more than from success.
We often discover what will do
by finding out what will not do.
And probably he who never made a mistake
never made a discovery.
~ Samuel Smiles ~

Re-examine all you have been told.
Dismiss what insults your Soul.
~ Walt Whitman

Unless you start doing something different,
you are in for more of the same.
~ Author Unknown ~

Often people attempt to live their lives backwards.
They try to have more things, or more money,
in order to do more of what they want so they will be happier.
The way it actually works is the reverse.
You must first be who you really are, then do what you need to do,
in order to have what you want.
~ Margaret Young ~

It is good to have an end to journey towards,
but it is the journey that matters, in the end.
~ Ursula K LeGuin, novelilst ~

Say what you mean and act how you feel,
because those who matter don't mind,
and those who mind don't matter.
~ Dr Seuss ~

An intention is a quality of consciousness that you bring to an action.
~ Gary Zukav - from "Seat Of The Soul" ~



Life is either a daring adventure
or nothing.~ Helen Keller ~

Cut not the wings of your dreams,
for they are the heartbeat and the freedom of your soul. ~ Flavia ~

"There's enough poison in that drink to kill an army platoon. Good thing I'm a marine."~ chuck/tv

Left hand/Right seat

ARRRRR. Sometimes I despair that I will never reach my goal. I want to teach a few or maybe several people how to fly or how to fly better as the case may be. My left hand seems to have a mind of it's own.
Seriously - yesterday I drove to the high school to pick up one of my darlings after track practice...some mom was plugging up the lane I was in by going the wrong way - I mean two lanes - one comes, one goes pretty straight forward. I pulled up not aggressively close to her vehicle thinking be cool you can sit here waiting on your kid - she'll make a correction - she knows how the traffic flow works here...dadada Then some other - another mom - pulled in behind her at just about the same time my runner jumped in the car and buckled up. I was aggravated - annoyed. It seemed the most appropriate thing for me to do was back up - back up with kids walking everywhere - 5 teams let out at the same time and the parking lot is swamped with HS athletes - their moms - and a bunch of 16,17,18 year old drivers hopped up on testosterone - all trying to exit from the exact same (only) exit... at twilight. Backing up was probably the most gracious thing to do but it made me feel like a loser. I pointed my index finger at the mom who was blocking me (as she chatted on the phone which annoys me no end also). My daughter said, "Mom, she just pointed back at you." So what did I do? Well, not me...my left hand who has a mind of its own lately...my left hand rolled down the window and shot a little salute to the offending mom. My baby girl was appalled ... I was actually pleased that my left hand didn't make me put the car in park and just gum up the works for everyone. I did manage to back all the way back through that row with out hitting a child or rear ending anything.
Left hands with the beginnings of age spots really should be better behaved. Moms with truly darling well behaved daughters - like mine - really should be better people. That's what I am working on.
That - and getting awesome in the right seat.

Chicken

Chicken - thinking about chicken today. Yesterday we sat, waiting on passengers. My flying buddy asked me what I thought of going to get a pedicure while we waited ...I'd havtah take my boots off for that.... Yeah, that might be too much of an ordeal to let them dry,she said. We went to the movies. This movie house was amazing...for "extra" you could sit upstairs, away from the riffraff, and drink cocktails or order dinner...the ticket agent said there were loveseats or booths. We sat downstairs. Leap Year was our choice. I knew my husband wouldn't want to see it, and it was okay for 6 bucks ... a nice leather seat in an empty theater. We talked as loud as we wanted to about the leads adorable shoes and the stunningly beautiful Irish...?...countryside. In one scene a chickens neck was wrung...outside the shot of course. Where do you think chickens come from? he asked, she answered,The freezer section. My husband and I have had the same conversation - "They come saran wrapped and boneless from the frozen food counters",I remember saying...ha that was a long time ago.

I spent my teenage years living 10 miles from the Texas/Mexico border. In the marcado there was a glass box - it looked a little bit like a popcorn machine. Inside it was a chicken who would "dance" when one put in quarters. The kids would throw those quarters in the slot and laugh like crazy while the chicken danced - the more quarters, the longer, and the more frantically the chicken would dance. The kids I was sneaking into Mexico with didn't realize that the quarters paid for heat in the floor of the glass box.

My brothers and I were not well supervised ... anyone of us would do just about anything when dared by each other. "Are you chicken?" Hahaha no, we weren't chicken - we were mostly young.


"Looking back now, well it makes me laugh
We were growin our hair, we were cuttin' class
Knew it all already, there was nothing to learn
We were strikin' matches just to watch 'em burn

Listen to our music just a little too loud
We were hangin' in there with the outcast crowd
Headin' to the rapids with some discount beer
It was a long train tussle but we had no fear.

Man I don't know, where the time goes
But It sure goes fast, just like that
We were wanna be rebels who didn't have a clue
With our Rock n' roll T-shirts, and our typically bad attitudes
Had no excuses for the things that we'd done
We were brave, we were crazy, we were mostly
Young ..."~lyrics Kenny Chesney

I'm not current on country music - when this came my best friend from back in the day called and said, "Go find this one you're gonna love it." I do.

Prayer

Please help me to capture the many opportunities to smile and feel your love - that love expressed in I Cor. 13 - help me to fill my heart with the comfort and joy found there...and thank you for being willing to capture the shed tears so that I don't have to...thank you for having a bottle for those somewhere other so I don't have to carry them around myself. And thank you for being amazing and willing to amaze. I was amazed to see the sky yesterday - really good. I thought that's not even God's really good work...His really good work is accomplished in the hearts of men (and women). Please help me to be courageous enough to be vulnerable so that your work can be seen in me and maybe be helpful to someone else, but mostly just because I think you enjoy seeing your good work at least as much as I do. Thank you for being amazing.

Baggage

This week I did a little exercise in weights and balances for my now flight instructor. I liked the exercise - it's always fun to show off those things you're good at - especially just right now as I wrestle with building my right seat skill set! Later in the week I had the opportunity to shuffle baggage around - just to tidy it up a bit. Later we picked up a hunting dog and a couple of passengers. Third leg is where I'm trying to get to because I noticed something that I think is interesting. We dropped off one hunter and pick up the wife and two children of the other hunter. The wife/mom is not enthusiastic about flying. She was quite anxious. I thought to ask her where she wanted the children's "go bags" and booster seats. I thought giving her control of something would be soothing for her. I think it was. She wanted to know exactly where all her baggage was. She was very concerned about her baggage. Her anxiety was expressed with a need to fuss with her baggage....

Last night I woke up thinking about baggage. Emotional or personal baggage.

We pack up our baggage and haul it around. I think no one can see mine...I try to keep it packed up - stowed out of sight. Does the weight of my burden show ... around the eyes ... near the heart?

"The Real Me" ~Natalie Grant

Foolish heart looks like we're here again
Same old game of plastic smile
Don't let anybody in
Hiding my heartache, will this glass house break
How much will they take before I'm empty
Do I let it show, does anybody know?

[Chorus:]
But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Cause you see the real me...

Painted on, life is behind a mask
Self-inflicted circus clown
I'm tired of the song and dance
Living a charade, always on parade
What a mess I've made of my existence
But you love me even now
And still I see somehow

But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Cause you see the real me

Wonderful, beautiful is what you see
When you look at me
You're turning the tattered fabric of my life into
A perfect tapestry
I just wanna be me
But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Cause you see the real me
And you love me just as I am
Wonderful, beautiful is what you see
When you look at me

Sweet. Last night I thought about lost baggage - I get on this airplane but my baggage gets loaded on a different one and disappears. Wouldn't that rock! Or maybe I could minimize my baggage - day trip - carry on only - that type of thing. I am fretting about some of my baggage. I think I have everything all packed up - "OCDelineated" in to tidy little piles and zippered into compartmentalized pockets of my psyche ... . Nobody journeys baggage free. Somedays we carry our own, somedays we help those around us carry theirs other days they may help us carry ours. Seems like it comes down to weights and balances.

13 January 2010

I flew yesterday. I expect to fly today and tomorrow. I am going to do a quick note here bc it is today and then I am going to get busy on some learning. New CFI gave me at least 15 new different things to think about and a hand full of old things to rethink. I tossed and turned last night and every time I woke up I was thinking about one of them. Part of the reason I like flying is bc it gives me something productive to think about. I want to do bikram (hot room) yoga but I'd rather fly. There are costs (other than financial) associated with that. I continue to try to find a happy balance in my home life - the most important aspect of my life. It is hard to juggle - hard stuff. Yet the hard stuff seems to be where I can grow - not only as a pilot, but as a person.

I read something interesting this morning: Some people write to answer questions - some to ask questions. That has nothing to do with anything - it's random...but interesting.

I am learning something important now. I am a person who likes everyone to be happy. You know how some people can walk in to the room and light it up? That isn't me. Other people seem to emit this or that defining characteristic? I am a nurturer. I am good at seeing what it would take to make a person feel - better. That is what I can bring to the table - every time, all the time. I'm pretty good at a lot of things, but empathy seems to be my long suite. Like any other super power that can get to be too much for both the nurturer and the nurtured. I experience it as too much when people try to manipulate me by acting "not happy" so that I will try to fix it. I see my children working that angle pretty often. I don't blame them for being smart enough to "work" me - I am certainly responsible for building those pathways ... but it isn't healthy for anyone. One of the ways it can be too much for the nurtured is they may be somewhat disabled by me stepping in with the "happy dust". They may need the opportunity to get themselves happy...or maybe happy isn't called for at all.

Most of my work colleages are mid twentyish young men. They do their bonding at the local watering holes. They have been inviting me to join them to mark a specific happy occasion (in my life). I don't drink - not exactly accurate - I don't party drink. I may have when I was 20 something but that was a long (long) time ago. I don't miss those days ... I don't look back wistfully ... I don't want an evening out with the guys. At the same time I know that they are extending something that they see as valuable and I am trying to tread the needle of accepting the sentiment with out actually spending time doing something I don't want to do. I don't want to hurt any ones feelings. I don't want to spend time negotiating the extra stuff...I have a ton of work to do at any given moment. I am trying to do something that is important to me. And I am trying to find my place - the most productive place for myself - at the office. And I specifically want to become an effective flight instructor - I am certain that I don't want the dynamic set up of me being "nurturing" towards the student ... I'm pretty sure one cannot nurture someone into becoming a pilot. I am trying to sort through my skill set for a somewhat different way of approaching things. I am able to (pretend) that I don't "give a rat's ass" (expression compliments of first CFI) ... I can quite convincingly get there...but that is not the authentic me. I do care. I am trying to figure out how to be true to that without letting it mess things up. I made a mess last year while I was working on this and I hurt from that still - and maybe other people do too ( I sure do hope not). So I am trying to temper a strenght that can be not a good thing for anyone involved. I think that is the main "thing" I know to work on this new year. I think it may be a make or break aspect of my ability to function optimally at home and at work ... some basic airwork/lifework is called for here.

I would think that by time someone is 50 they (me) would know how to handle just about everything/anything. I would think someone like me (me again) would be able to communicate with grace and poise at all times. I would think that I would be able to see things ... clearly. So far - not so much, but I am showing up to work on it. I am trying to see what God whats me to see when I look at what he wants me to look at. I'm trying to set my own ego aside and do what I think I hear God nudging me towards. Working with people on stuff that is important to them is more than just teaching them how to fly a piece of equiptment for example...it's more than knowledge and skill and it reaches further in to them...they let you in to help shape them into who they want to become. The evolving product is a stronger aviator - you measure that in what you see them demonstrate...but there's stuff that we don't see. It's a huge responsibility to flight instruct...you get in people's heads. I can still hear the instruction of some of them...when I'm flying...when I'm getting ready to do something not quite as lovely as they called me towards.

"...what are you aiming for... the 500ft markers ... no you're not, liar...(smiling)I am now...it's primacy - habits are difficult to overcome...stay on it...teach better than you were taught..."

I am reading the material in the FOI and it has gotten me thinking about all the flight instructors I have flown with. Some of them have been really great instructors - a few have had their minds elsewhere.

I'll put the FOI stuff that I am specifically thinking about in quotation marks. Aviation Instructors Handbook FAA h 8083 9A.

"Human behavior is also defined as the result of attempts to satisfy certain needs." 1-2

"Helping a student acheive his or her potential in aviation training offers the greatest challenge as well as reward to the instructor."1-4

"Since it is human nature to be motivated, the responsibility for discovering how to realize the potential of the student lies with the instructor. How to mold a solid, healthy, productive relationship with a student depends on the instructor's knowledge of human behavior and needs. Being able to recognize factors that inhibit the learning process also helps the instructor in this process." 1-6

Human needs/ Maslow's hierarchy:

Physiological - if hungry/tired student may not be able to perform as expected

Security - instructor who stresses flight safety during training mitigates feelings of insecurity

Belonging - people seek to overcome feelings of loneliness and alienation...make every effort to set student at ease.

Esteem - a big one - "Esteem needs not only have a strong influence on the instructor-student relationship, but also may be the main reason for a student's interest in aviation training." 2-6

Cognitive and Aesthetic - need to know and understand what is going on around them - rush of dopamine whenever something is learned. Alsoabout subtle feeling/emotion of "liking" or not liking who you're working with...which affects learning.

Self-Actualization - be all you can be - when all above needs are satisfied needs for self-actualization are activated. Self actualized people are-> problem focused, appreciative of life, concerned about personal growth, have the ability to have peak experiences.

"learning is not just a change in behavior; it is a change in the way a person thinks,understands, or feels.2-3

I have noticed that a type of bond forms between students and instructors...sometimes it does. It's a little confusing for me because I personally don't always bond with the people I've spent time in the airplane with, but in general they are important to me ... and I have become very particular about who I want to be instructed by. I'm thinking about those qualities that I value as a student and may want to express as an instructor.

I am thinking about the few top instructors I have flown with...I'm going to be thinking about that some as I do the work to become the type instructor I want to be. BTW - instructing is what I actually want to do ... this is noteworthy because a lot of instructors are passing through this job on the way to their "real life" as airline pilots or freight pilots or charter pilots ... instructor pilot is seen as an entry level job for commercial pilots - a stepping stone. I don't discount that idea, or choice - I get it - but for me this is where I want to be for the foreseeable future.

Top instructor experiences for me - what I perceive, not necessarily exactly how it is/was -

For one thing,I want to feel inter personally safe with the instructor - when you are learning you have to be able to expose areas of yourself that are not what you hope they can become through effort -

You have to be able to say, for example...this is my crosswind landing technique...I crab all the way down then at the last minute I straighten it out before touch down...that's how I was taught. Then they say - I can see that that is working for you, but it is not the simplest way to land this plane in a crosswind situation...and this is why....and this is the potential problem with that (potentially exceed rudder authority) (possible cross loads on the gear) (more steps = more potential for error)(etc)...and when you are instructing students I would like for you to be able to give them this technique...wing low...keep it in keep it in and remember to hold crosswind correction on the runway...as we roll.

New - brand new students don't always get in the plane ready to learn. Student's who have acquired some skill may not wanna learn for reasons - their own reasons - too.

I have had a lot of fun rolling down the runway after a crosswind landing with one of the mains up off the ground - it made me a little nervous because it didn't feel normal but the instructor said - hey what are you doing (setting the wheel down) ...this is the fun part...and I said I don't want to flip over...he said there's no way you can bc the wind is coming from over there...just hold it off as long as possible and it will settle itself down to the runway as the energy dissipates. Two different instructors helped me put this skill into my flightbagoftricks. Pretty cool. Flying is a lot of fun. It's a lot of work too.

More than a story

I'm remembering a story in the book of Daniel. I don't want to recount the whole story. I'm also remembering some song lyrics - "I grew up in Sunday school, I memorized the Golden Rule and how Jesus came to set the sinners free... I know the stories inside out, I can tell you all about the path that led Him on to Calvary. - But ask me why he loves me and I don't know what to say...but I'll never be the same because He changed my life when He became everything to me - more than a story' . " Here it is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ywzlq2AiAuM
Avalon - Everything to Me.
The Bible used to seem like a book of stories to me - kinda more like ideas or representations of what God would want to say to us. I didn't see it as a whole - thing. I saw it as little pieces. I jumped in to read a little here and jumped out when it didn't make sense or seem relevant. I could see and even get some "good" out of the "stories" but I didn't experience the word of God as I do now. It's like kinda getting the theory of the four stroke engine with out moving forward (or backwards into the development) to the next part - the "So what?" part. That simple engine powers something - eventually engines became more complex - or less complex depending on how you think about it - at any rate engines have become more specialized/efficient at providing what they provide.
That story in Daniel about the three Hebrews who were put in the fiery furnace - it's an interesting story - complex, rich. The part I am thinking about as I sit here tonight trying to get warm is this: The Angel of the Lord was seen in in the flames with the three Hebrews. King Nebuchadnezzar gave the order for the three to be released from the fire. The story says that the furnace was so hot that the guard who tossed them in, in the first place, was burnt up by the heat. When the three came out of the flames, the story says their clothes weren't singed...it says they didn't even smell like smoke. I love that. Beth Moore's Bible study on Daniel is riveting - yeah - it really is. She made the observation that the Bible says that these guys didn't even smell like smoke. She says when we go through trials - hardships - pain -we like surviving the trauma but we at least want to hold on to that smell of smoke ... . We want everyone to know what we've been through.
I like it that God showed up in the fire. I like it that the ropes the servants of God were bound with were burnt off in the flames. I love it that when they came out they didn't even smell like smoke.

I love it that we don't have to smell like smoke either.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009
I Must Go Down to the Sea

I must go down to the seas again, to the lonely sea and the sky,
And all I ask is a tall ship and a star to steer her by,
And the wheel's kick and the wind's song and the white sail's shaking,
And a grey mist on the sea's face and a grey dawn breaking.

I must go down to the seas again, for the call of the running tide
Is a wild call and a clear call that may not be denied;
And all I ask is a windy day with the white clouds flying,
And the flung spray and the blown spume, and the sea-gulls crying.

I must go down to the seas again, to the vagrant gypsy life,
To the gull's way and the whale's way where the wind's like a whetted knife;
And all I ask is a merry yarn from a laughing fellow-rover,
And quiet sleep and a sweet dream when the long trick's over.

~John Masefield

God, be near me – the ocean is so big and my boat is so small” --fisherman’s

I am pretty excited bc I have a new book - "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin I am starting it tonight. I am also excited about shopping for some new Vans. The two pair in my closet are really just shot...some body (who loves me) asked me to tell them the story of my shoes the other day. I said, "There's no story." I mean seriously, my shoes don't have stories...I wear them, take them off - wipe the dust/mud off as necessary - then back in the closet or their little shoe cubbie - lights out...no story there. She said, "No, shoes like that have a story (like I'm holding back something)". "Nope, nada, nothing," I say dismissively flicking the fingers on both hands open. Then I look at her and I see she is serious ... and I can tell she thinks I maybe should be too. I smile and still myself to indicate that I am interested in the conversation - bc I can see that this is a real conversation. She says - "DeAnn, you need to quit wearing those shoes around if they don't have a story." And I think to myself ... I like them but I can tell she is a bit incredulous. "I like them", I say, "Is that enough of a story?" "No, those are yard shoes...or washing the dog shoes...but never never never getting in your car and leaving home in them shoes." She said this solemnly. I said, these are my good Vans...my other Vans are my stay at home Vans." She could't believe that I owned a less reputable pair. So - All this to say, for my birthday I am going to buy a brand new pair of Vans. I am going to go on their site and design a pair of my own choosing - you used to be able to do that at no extra charge and IF you still can then I will - let me see about that now - brb - www.vans.com/ all that for $60.00 +Shipping

Photos of my old vans, my oldold vans (really are DC label and I wishwishwish for another pair exactly like them except new),and my oldest neverwornkeepforsentimentalreasons red tennies just peeking in. The photos of the new vans are possibilities from their custom design page.

choice - notes on choice - quotes

George Eliot:
The strongest principle of growth lies in human choice

John Wayne:
Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and puts itself in our hands. It hopes we've learned something from yesterday.

Kahlil Gibran:
We choose our joys and sorrows long before we experience them.

Zig Ziglar:
Every choice you make has an end result.

Aristotle:
For what is the best choice, for each individual is the highest it is possible for him to achieve

We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then is not an act but a habit.

What we have to learn to do, we learn by doing.



Neil Peart:
If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.

Liz Carpenter: Instead of looking at life as a narrowing funnel, we can see it ever widening to choose the things we want to do, to take the wisdom we've learned and create something

Victor E. Frankl:
The last of the human freedoms is to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances

One's philosophy is not best expressed in words; it is expressed in the choices one makes ... and the choices we make are ultimately our responsibility.

In the long run, we shape our lives, and we shape ourselves. The process never ends until we die. And the choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility

Eleanor Roosevelt

Some choices we live not only once but a thousand times over, remembering them for the rest of our lives.

Richard Bach quotes

Honor isn't about making the right choices. It's about dealing with the consequences.

The future is not a result of choices among alternative paths offered by the present, but a place that is created--created first in the mind and will, created next in activity. The future is not some place we are going to, but one we are creating. The paths are not to be found, but made, and the activity of making them, changes both the maker and the destination.

There are always two choices. Two paths to take. One is easy. And its only reward is that it's easy.


"Choose the life that is most useful, and habit will make it the most agreeable." - -- Sir Francis Bacon

You don't get to choose how you're going to die, or when. You can decide how you're going to live now." -- Joan Baez



“If you limit your choices only to what seems possible or reasonable, you disconnect yourself from what you truly want, and all that is left is compromise.”~Robert Fritz

Until a person can say deeply and honestly, "I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday," that person cannot say, "I choose otherwise”
Stephen R. Covey quotes
Who would not, finding way, break loose from hell, . . . . And boldly venture to whatever place Farthest from pain?
Author: John Milton
Source: Paradise Lost

The difficulty in life is the choice.
Author: George A. Moore
Source: The Bending of the Bough (act IV

Between two evils, choose neither; between two goods, choose both.
Author: Tryon Edwards

(easy to choose between good and bad - harder to choose between good and better)

He who chooses the beginning of a road chooses the place it leads to. It is the means that determine the end.
Author: Harry Emerson Fosdick

Walking around - my girls say no more black shoes - they say purple is the color now or possibly gray if I can't get there with the purple. Almost all my shoes are black. I like black shoes.

Today is almost gone. I woke up happy like I usually do. Unfortunately, I am back to waking up at 2 and 3 during the night. I seem to sleep til about 2 then just sora doze till around 4:30. Then I'm really ready to sleep. Sometimes I get up and do some housework or study. Sometimes I just try to lay very still and rest. I don't feel the way I lke to feel. The way I want to feel. And I don't know what can possibly be done about it. So
today good flight. My flare was a little nose high. I like the Navajo. I'm trying to get my billing and paperwork straight for my commercial certif - what a mess. Aggravating. Won't matter a month from now though. That's it. School with my youngest tomorrow. Jinglebell stuff then they are out till Jan. I have almost finished my shopping for Christmas. I'm wishing for a specific bottle of fragrance.

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

William Ernest Henley

Landings

this is not a good landing

this is a good landing

There are a lot of jokes about landings in the aviation community.

I have flown with a man who told me about an impressive landing that he had the pleasure of accomplishing (and remembering). It was a carrier landing in a helicopter that even I could tell from his description would be thrilling to see much less fly. I asked him - how old were you when you did that? I was curious about what I was doing with in my life when he was doing that. Quick math told me I was just getting started raising my third child. I thought about who I was then and how far from there I had come. I thought about no matter how hard I worked at flying that I would never have a landing like that to share. I though about the trade offs we all make as we make our choices. I thought I should work at getting as good as I can at landing the equipment that I do get to fly. I thought about how fortunate I was to have him - with his wide range of flying experiences - teaching me what ever I was up to learning.

I noticed in my critique of yesterday's training flight that I had done a lot of the prep work for take offs and not so much for landing. I have recently (this year kinda recent) flown with some one who was pretty conscientious about good strong intentional landings. One of the nicest things he ever said to me was, "I like your landings because you fly the airplane all the way down to the ground." After a good nights sleep and some thinking about what I would especially like to do better in the airplane today I think I have noticed something that may be important to me. This: THe main stuff that I am not executing as well as I expect to is the exact same stuff that I didn't learn to do well those first few hours at the beginning of the Pvt. training. I didn't trim for - nothing - and you know that made everything harder and crappier at the same time - working harder for suckier results - hmmm. And just trying to fly by the airspeed indicator on the approach w/o really thinking about the wind much - not thinking about the wind much is always a potentially - well let's just call it flirting with the devil. Yeah - winds something like 350v020@12 kts (near the surface - slightly more at TPA). I wasn't flying the final leg as I would have had I been flying not learning. The 65kt approach would have been - not. Full flaps - not. I think I was concentrating on touching and holding the peremeters that the training flight required and struggling against my inclination to greese the landings. The Instructor said your student will need to see pretty much the same picture each time you land so that they can build a foundation from what is a normal landing. After thinking about this I can see what he was trying to get me to hear. Okay - that's why we don't send private flights up when the winds are kinda wicked ... yeah - I can land the plane but that may actually interupt their smooth aquisition of landing skills. I definitely don't want a new student out there making stuff up while they land. I am going to approach this from a new perspective today.

Calendar

I made this last year with a scrap of plywood, some gold spray paint, mail tags w/rub on numbers and some tiny brass nails. I like it a lot. I am thinking about building one that will accommodate 30 days(and just double dip on the months w 31) because I can imagine this as having post it notes on some days and little interesting found things hanging occasionally rather than the tree ornaments. I didn't want to put it away last year and it was the first Christmas decoration I got out this year.

nascent-adjective. coming into being; being born; beginning to form, start, grow, or develop: said of ideas, cultures, etc.

I have recently read about a Hindu temple built in the 16th century. It has a hall of fifty-six pillars which are carved from a single block of granite and most of them are designed to sound a specific note when tapped. How cool to have an instrument of that scale. How really cool to build that. I love the idea of a temple where men may strum/thump the actual structure in effort to call out to God. Yeah - I'm not Hindu and know almost nothing about Hinduism, but I do understand calling out to who I think God is. From the Vittala temple complex my mind ranges to the design instructions given to the builders of the temple for the God of Moses. I remember a few years ago I decided to start on page one of the NIV Bible and just read a few chapters a night. It was good. See, I had heard or read the "stories" but what I didn't have a chance to put together for myself was how they relate to each other...and if/how they relate to me or I relate to them... . It's like understanding the four stroke cycle without being able to see the crank shaft turn the prop - the prop then doing what it does and what's behind the prop... . Well it's just a lot more interesting to see the words which are conveying a small idea then a bigger idea then next thing you know there is a story there that begins to seem like it might even have something to do with you (or me). The book of Exodus describes how the temple or tabernacle should be be built ... it's interesting and minutely detailed (tediously so). Some scholars say it is a recreation or model of God's residential accommodations in heaven. I don't know - I haven't studied that or thought about it enough to have developed an opinion... . I do know that sacrifices were brought to the temple - and they were prescribed and specific - as an atonement for "sin". I'm not writing about atonement today - today I am thinking about temples. There is a lot of information on the temple - the current events around the temple mount and the "re-building" of the temple and the temple's role in Bible prophecy would all have to be part of an in depth study on the Judeo-Christian view(s) for the relevance of the "Temple of God". But - again that is all well beyond my little musings this morning. I am thinking about the temple described in the new testament - this temple: 1 Corinthians 3:16 "Don't you know that you yourselves are God's temple and that God's spirit lives in you?", 1 Corinthians 6:19 "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God. ..." The idea of the in-dwelling Spirit is expressed in many other places.
Acts 17:24" The God who made the world and everything in it is the Lord of heaven and earth and does not live in temples built by hands. (...from one man He made all nations and set stuff up...) 17:27 and 28 "He did this so that men would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from each one of us. For in him we live and move and have our being." We in him - He within us. Individually, personally - not corporate
Jesus was asked for a sign to prove his authenticity - he answered, John 2:19, "Destroy this temple and I will raise it again in three days." The religious leaders scoffed at that idea saying it took 46 years to build the temple - but the temple he spoke of was his body. He was raised from the dead three days after he offered his life as a final atonement for the estranging sin of mankind. The gospel of Mark (my favorite gospel account) chapter 16 talks about the resurrection of Christ. He said three times that he would raise/rise on the third day. I used to think this was an interesting story - maybe not quite accurate - maybe just all made up...I mean people have all sorts of ideas about how we "fit" with who ever god might be. My experience with myself as a "Christian" has been pretty disappointing...I want to do right but doing wrong is pretty interesting too. I listen to people all the time who are messed up because of the lies/half truths about God that have scarred their souls.
So back to the idea of temple... How cool is it that God decided to build us as a temple which might choose to be indwelt by the Holy Spirit. It's pretty cool that the created gets to chose. How cool that a temple was created for a purpose - and I think we all sense and reach towards the idea that there is some purpose for our being.... Built as a temple to be indwelt for what purpose? I'm thinking about that. In the mean time I do like that we are all so versatile a structure - when I see what some of the accomplishments of mankind are I am happy - impressed - we rock.
The Bible describes us - our "temple-ness" as tent-like. If this earthsuit is a tent I am really looking forward to seeing the next thing - container. Jesus said he was going to prepare a place for us. I like the work that He is credited with. (John 1:1)
That's it. I gotta get busy on a little housework ... saving the ironing for Top Chef finale tonight (My favorite weekly show - well it's the only thing I watch routinely.) I am mostly excited about my new CFI books and about getting stuff organized for that. I am excited about a day that I can plant the flat of pansies that are out there waiting.

I am starting to realize that although many of my "trust" issues were seeded during my early childhood the devastation of the innocence that trust calls for (childlike trust) didn't truly begin to take place until right after I turned 16. I don't want to recount the details but one night we found out that my brother was killed in a car wreck. I saw my uncle tell my parents. I saw my Dad's heart break in that instance. I went back to my bedroom before they saw me. I shut my door and I wrapped my blankets around me tight like a cocoon and I asked God why. And silently in my heart I heard my brother say they took my money out of my wallet and my necklace and my buck knife - he really liked his new buck knife and was never w/o the necklace... a long silver chain with a small pendant... . I heard him say he was happy and this was good and then I felt him leave. I felt nothing. I may have been in shock. Again I asked God why. He said nothing. I never stopped believing that God was there - where ever there is. But "there" seemed to be a long way away - too far away for God to care. It was pretty easy to go from believing that God didn't care to rolling up into a person that didn't wouldn't eventually couldn't care. I became cynical and sarcastic. I became brittle and detached. I made a conscious decision to just stop listening for a God who chose to be invisible and silent. I mean really. Even sitting here so many years later I can feel the shards of pain that that idea - lie - lacerated into me.

As I may have said in earlier posts - my childhood was chaotic. My brother - this brother - represented all that was safe and consistent to me. He was my best friend. Something dysfunctional about how we were raised made him very protective and responsible for me. He definitely had an eye on me and set most of the standards that have guided my choices. I felt a lot that same way towards my younger brother.

My mom went totally around the bend that day. A few months later I asked my Dad, who had physically shrunk and was showing every indication of a man who will drink til numb on a routine basis....I asked Daddy if Momma was crazy and he said don't talk about your mother like that - she just can't cope with this. I noticed that he couldn't either. So the way it worked out was they both became even more absent then they had been before my brother's - their son's - death. I wasn't angry with them - I was angry with God.... My capacity to trust God was ... how do I express it... it was brutal...shocking...sudden annihilation that leaves you looking around in utter confusion...every piece of comfort that is offered feels like a mockery...people say God knows best...you'll understand it by and by (People actually say stuff like that and it makes things worst if possible)...Looking back from the perspective that time and maturity offer I can see that God was in fact very present. I can see His consistent steady hand. It's taken years to come to this place but I think I trust Him ... and I think I am afraid to put that trust to a test. I believe, help my unbelief. I get it.

A few days after the funeral a stranger knocked on our door. I was home alone or maybe Tommy was about too. I answered the door. A man asked for my parents and when I said they weren't here he gave me a big white envelope. He said I must not open it, just give it to my Dad. He said he was sorry about my brother and that these were his things in the envelope. I don't have any idea who he was...just a guy. I took the envelope to my room and openned it immediately (come on - of course I did). It's contents were a wallet - with some stuff, but no money - a High School graduation ring and a wristwatch - both encrusted in dry blood. I took them to my bathroom and held them under some hot running water and washed the blood off of his things...I thought about the fact that I was probably ruining the watch and then I thought so what - it's not like anyone will ever use it again. I pulled the band away because I coudn't get the blood out from between the links and I put it on the floor under my heel and ground the finish off my floor with it... I didn't put it back with the other stuff. I thought how could they bring this stuff to my Daddy with his boy's blood all over it. I dried the ring and watch with Q-tips set the hands to 12 and put everything back in the envelope...the envelope with no buck knife and no necklace.

Today, at work, one of my favorite people said he was exhausted because he was up late talking with a friend about marital issues. He asked me why people who have been married for 18 years will divorce ... people who are not experiencing infidelity or physical abuse. I said I don't know ... but I do have a few ideas about that. He and I have talked about this sort of thing before. He can see (for other people - not him) the possibility of leaving a marriage for "someone" better. Last time we talked about this I told him I personally do not believe there is some one better...only someone different. I firmly believe the notion of "the grass is greener over there" is nonsense. I believe the grass is different sorta...the same kinda...the weeds are different...the sticker patches are undiscovered but they're there. I think even if there was a possibility of some perfect person to do life with there'd still be the problem of me and all my baggage. All by myself, I am messed up enough to mess up the relationship. It seems ludicrous to me that a person would think to leave a relationship because they think they could/would be happier with someone different. I have, over the past 30 years, spent some time thinking about this - and I am willing to bet that my husband has too! I think of marriage - really of all important relationships - a little differently then I've heard other people express. My husband says he thinks your life partner completes you. I think that is ridiculous and probably manipulative. I think of it almost totally differently (that doesn't make me right - I know). I think you make a commitment to a person - like a husband or a child, maybe a friend. I think you make promises...uneducated promises, but promises all the same. I think you figure out stuff that you didn't notice before you made the promises as you go along. Some of the surprises are nice and some of them are pretty awful - the awful ones are the ones you are tempted to focus on...which is pretty self defeating.
When I was very little my older brother used to "boost" me up to the water fountain so I could get a drink. I wouldn't have wanted to walk around thirsty, but no matter how tippy toed I could get I wouldn't have been able to reach. I think I was very lucky to have a brother like him. He kept a eye out on me ... I think that is what we do for each other in relationships. There are days when we get on each others last nerve. There are days when we disappoint each other. We all have stupid days full of stupid thinking and stupid talking and doing. I think, ideally, we let each other see where the "stuff" is in our lives and we just do our best to boost each other up for a drink. No hosing each other with water...no ice to make it better...no nothing no matter how well intentioned...just a little boost at the fountain when we can't quite reach it.

Define respect (notes)
..."And it can be described in many different ways.

Respect is never deserved, but rather can only be earned. Respect can only be given, but never taken. Respect can never be demanded, lest it will never be given. Respect is hard to gain, but easy to lose.

Respect is not judging people who believe differently than you, nor is it forcing them to succumb to your will. Respect is to live and let live. Respect is taking responsibility, not laying blame. Respect is understanding principle, even though it differs from yours.

Respect is seeing people, not only for what they are, but also for what they could be. Respect is giving credit, not taking it for yourself. Respect is doing unto others as you would have others do unto you. Respect is seeing the best in people, not the worst.

Respecting others and respecting one's self always go hand in hand.
Posted: 04/03/2006 @ 05:12 AM (PDT)
maxwell edison 1133"
I think that is a pretty good definition of respect - I'm not totally satisfied bthis definition bu I'mthinkin about it and I hope to come up with a better definitionthen i've been able to find - I'm interesdin comments on this from y'all.

GOOGLE - Definition of respect (noun)
form: no plural
honor; esteem; high regard; consideration; attention

Notes on Cherish:
"Friends... they cherish one another's hopes. They are kind to one another's dreams."
~Henry David Thoreau
"Cherish your visions and your dreams as they are the children of your soul, the blueprints of your ultimate achievements."
~Napoleon Hill
define cherish
1) verb, to show great tenderness for; treasure (wordia.com)

I think working relationships have to be built on mutual respect. It's pretty tough to maintain respect for another person if you don't respect yourself. It seems impossible to maintain respect for another person when you are watching for their faults or short comings.
I think people sever their ties with others who they have made promises to because they can't figure out how to make the respect component work.

"Friends... they cherish one another's hopes. They are kind to one another's dreams."
~Henry David Thoreau I know - I put it here (again) because I think it is so perfectly true of all important relationships. This aspect - the cherishing - is the lovely part of respect.

Thinking about Psalms 46:10

Philip Yancey - "PRAYER Does it Make Any Difference?" notes:'Be still and know that I am God" The Latin imperative for "be still" is vacate As Simon Tugwell explains, "God invites us to take a holiday [vacation], to stop being God for a while, and let him be God."... the first step to prayer is to acknowledge or "remember" God -- to restore the truth of the universe. "That man may know he dwells not on his own," said Milton. (pages 26 and 27)


Notes found on line at website noted below :
First, the injunction to "Be still" must be understood in the milieu it was uttered. The Psalmist addressed a cosmos in crisis. The crisis imperiled the creation (vv. 1-3); threatened the city (vv. 4-7); and besieged the country (vv. 8-11). In the crisis with their world falling apart, the people were afraid (v. 2).

Second, the verb "Be still" (Hebrew, rapah) is used 46 times in the Old Testament with meanings everywhere from describing laziness to ordering relaxation. Though the majority of versions translate the injunction "Be still", other meanings are "Cease striving " (NASB), "Be quiet" (NCV), "Desist" (Young's), or "Calm down" (CEV). In no biblical usage or context does the Hebrew verb enjoin God's people to meditate or contemplate. Rather, believers are to rest and trust in God.

Third, verse 10 contains two co-ordinate imperatives, with the emphasis being on the second command, to "know that I am God", not the first, to "Be still". With the first imperative functioning as an adverb, the verse might read, "Calmly (or quietly) know that I am God . . ." [2] Thus by their focusing upon the initial command, to "Be still," comtemplative spiritualists ignore the greater command, and that is, to "know that I am God."

The command "know," primarliy means, "to know by observing and reflecting (thinking) . . ."[3] As such, believers are encouraged to find comfort of soul by reflecting upon the saving works that God has both performed and promised. The meditation the psalm envisions is therefore objective, not subjective. "Be still" does not call persons to induce within their consciousness a wordless void or incubator in which state a mystical experience or word can be hatched. The cognitive command to "know" cancels that notion. In the light of God's mighty works and providence, the psalm exhorts believers to reverence Him. As the prophet Habakkuk wrote, " . . . the Lord is in His holy temple. Let all the earth be silent before Him" (2:20).
www.frbaptist.org/bin/view/Ptp/PtpTopic20060404145458


Ps 46:10
Be still, and know that I am God...
vacu- +
(Latin: from vacare, "to empty")

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

abevacuation
A partial evacuation.
evacuant
1. A reference to emptying; evacuative; purgative; cathartic.
2. Medicine which tends to empty an organ or passage.
3. Evacuating; promoting thorough evacuation; an evacuant medicine or agent; especially, from the bowels; being cathartic; purgative.
evacuate, evacuating, evacuated
1. To leave empty; to vacate.