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sehnsucht

(n.) "the inconsolable longing in the

human heart for we know not what";

a yearning for a far, familiar, non-earthly

land one can identify as one's home

Within that context I'm thinking about something I'm watching transpire … and it's sorta difficult to write about because it is a "perception" of what might be happening rather then a sterile stack of facts. It's kind of a perfect mess, because I feel myself not wanting to believe what I think I must be seeing … and everyone else watching with me doesn't want to believe it either (yeah, kinda like what seems to be happening with the Country … but different and on a smaller scale … and almost exactly, I think, what happens fairly routinely with life).  Now that I'm looking, and trying to decide what my role can best be in this actual event, set of circumstances, I'm starting to see it happening … all over the place.

We need something.  My something is different from your something. Or maybe "it" is precisely the same thing arrived at from a different "direction".

I see someone identify an other's need … a dream/yearning … a tender spot in one's makeup.  Maybe it is the desire to fly.  And maybe the opportunity to "journey" towards that with the expectation of arriving there is … made available … or seems to be being made available … for a price ($) that one, with a bit of a financial stretch, may make.

I know this little note is going to seem rather scattered, and so is my collection of thoughts on this … here's another part of the "quilt".  I have a student whom I have said I will fly with at no charge … my commitment is up to the point of solo … "I will help you along until you solo, then we will look at this commitment again."  A lot of people just want to work hard enough to get to the point of soloing … that is their goal.  The agreement has been that the student will pay for ground instruction only … and that I will direct the self-study curriculum; provide direction on acquiring the necessary info.  I think for every flight hour one should expect to spend at least three hours sitting somewhere reading the stuff, the ground stuff … aerodynamics, systems, regs, weather, ac performance, airspace, navigation … on and on … the stuff.  You gotta know a lot of stuff to fly safely and well. It's already been demonstrated that one can teach a chimp to "fly" … button pushing and yoke yanking is not flying well (Uh oh … I'm getting to something else entirely … !).  Truth is, flying is actually super easy … there is really nothing to it.  Flying well takes a good amount of effort, and a lot of that effort is pointed towards creasing the grey matter (so that you don't crease your plane, someone else's plane, or wrinkle/ruin anyone's life).  The difficult stuff is the ground stuff … it's not fun for everyone (I like it … but … I've noticed a lot of wanna be pilot/aviators don't want to exert the effort.)  My student, doesn't.  My student is a super awesome person who has a lot of interesting stuff to choose to do.  Ground stuff is not a priority and quite frankly, I've asked them to think about if now is the right time for them to be distracted by this worthy pursuit … I think this is something best saved for later for this particular person.  Student thinks I'm being an ole meany, while in fact, I am just trying to help them keep their savings acct. intact for the better timing of this "bucket-list" item.  The three hours they say they spent over the past six weeks on independent study just doesn't impress me as someone who really wants "this" right now.  I saw charging them for the bare minimum of ground instruction as a way of gauging their commitment to achieving their goal and valuing of my gift to them, a lot of free instruction.  I had already noticed a certain craftiness in trying to avoid paying for any of my time.  And that was troubling.  And … the student has cancelled more lessons then they've flown.  Unimpressive … .  So, on one hand I have a view of someone who says they want something … and it comes to them for a very minimum financial investment (they pay the hobbs time and fuel) … and the gift of that is slipping through their hands because I believe I want this for them more then they want want it for themselves … (and they blame me for that).  They say they want … and it is easily available … they do not "pick it up".

And then another batch of my students … have waited patiently for the "empty nest" stage of their lives … longing for the opportunity to learn how to fly.  They have "bought" in to a very nice plane and the price they paid up front comes with flight instruction.  They have expressed a "longing" … and have prepaid for the means to accomplish a life long dream … and I think they have given their money to a man who will default on his promises to them (and maybe even intended to do so from the onset).  I am afraid that they have been conned.  The dream seller has contracted flight instruction for them through me and I can already see that me getting paid is … tenuous at best.  They say they will pay my hourly fee directly … and it breaks my heart to see them in this position.  They  have already paid in advance for instructional time, I'm supposed to invoice him for that (and then be paid).  The other part of my "job" is to fly prospective "owners/ buyer-inners" on discovery flights.  He says let them pay me directly for their flight and let him follow up with the dream selling part.  I am in a position to see that the dream quickly becomes a nightmare … so it seems to me.  I do not "generate" prospects for him … and I think when he realizes that dreamers aren't lining up to purchase the remaining shares of this, whatever it exactly is  … that he will move on to his next deal. I hope the owners are putting their heads together on this … .  

It's very hard to come to grips with the idea that you have fallen prey to a scam.  

So … with what I think I see happening in "real life" what am I supposed to actually do and maybe more importantly what am I to give and take away from these life happenings?  (Both right this minute "to do" stuff, and long term life lesson stuff.)

Recently I was working diligently on learning some spiritual lessons about how

I don't listen to God … via helping people with instructional pointers/insights on how to improve their landing technique.  I mean … it's really hard for folks to hear "you" when they are otherwise occupied with landing an airplane.  And … talking about the landings when one is not landing isn't really that helpful … everyone "knows" what they are supposed to do when they are not being required to do it.  We can agree to make the first turn in the pattern at 500' agl … and when we are actually in the plane flying it I sit there silently waiting for any tiny movement towards doing that as we shoot through twice that … "We are climbing at 1700fpm …"  I prompt to little avail … I practice patience.  If what we are working on is a closed pattern … landings … grossly excessive altitude before making the crosswind turn is not correctable for the person who does it over and over again … they do not have the experience, or what ever juice it takes, to correct poor technique.  I can say "start your turn … ease the power back … trim for that airspeed … "  I can say, sometimes they can do it, sometimes they can't.  Sometimes they can't hear me in a way that makes their hands and feet move.  

I try to teach them how to land … while they teach me how to listen better for instruction in my own life.  

I have a secret need.  I really need something.  I have identified it and "label" it as sehnsucht. I  need to "feel" God nearby … that is "home"  that is where I find rest, and peace …

• love that will never let you down and never give up on you but will hang on to the end … Chesed: 

 It's interesting to observe in my own little life where I have looked for that … where I have thought that might be found, where I have believed "it" was found … and how I reacted upon realizing it wasn't.  It's been interesting to observe  what I might "settle" for in lieu of that … and the sadness that settling tends to create … and the weariness that continuing to search for it tends to create … and this:  when I am "still" knowing where home is, is easy, hearing the voice is easy … but/and in the middle of "doing life" it's not so easy, there are rare shimmering moments when it is, but they haven't quite come together in a permanent tangible way yet … so I continue the orphic journey … .

with these->

metanoia
(n.) the journey of changing one's mind, 
heart, self, or way of life 

aeipathy
(n.) an enduring and consuming passion

kairos
(n.) the perfect, delicate crucial moment;
the fleeting rightness of time and place
that creates the opportune atmosphere for
actions, words, or movements; also weather

104/1000

Thankful for ... well, it's not really about those goofy cats, rather a thing they help me see ...

I have read about "our" access to GOD.  And I heard people talk about "our" access to GOD.  Words like come before Him boldly ...  access,  I've been thinking about it a lot lately, and I've been thinking about the urge to be with God, not in the way of asking for somethinganything ... more like "hanging out" ... more like ... hugging.  It, what I want, doesn't have any thing bold about it.

Those goofy cats lay on the hardwood floor and arch a velvety paw under the closed door.  It's sweet to see the paw ... without presumption, without pretense ... the paw seems to ask "hey, wanna play, wanna hangout, wanna snuggle?"  The paw seems to say "I know you're in there, and I wanna be with you ... if it works for you ... otherwise, I'll content myself with laying just outside the door. "

I wonder what it might feel like to hug/be hugged by GOD.

Hermann Hesse ... Quotes etc.

"Some of us think holding on makes us strong; 

but sometimes it is letting go."

"I have always believed, and I still believe,

that whatever good or bad fortune may come our way 

we can always give it meaning and transform it into something of value."

"It is not our purpose to become each other;

it is to recognize each other, 

to learn to see the other and honor him for what he is."

"Happiness is a how; not a what. 

A talent, not an object."

"One never reaches home, 

but wherever friendly paths intersect the whole world looks like home for a time."

"There's no reality except the one contained within us. 

That's why so many people live an unreal life. 

They take images outside them for reality and never allow the world within them to assert itself."

"Only the ideas that we really live have any value."

"Within us there is someone who 

knows everything,

 wills everything, 

does everything better than we ourselves."

"The truth is lived, not taught."

"The call of death is a call of love. 

Death can be sweet if we answer it in the affirmative, 

if we accept it as one of the great eternal forms of life and transformation."

“I have known it for a long time but I have only just experienced it. 

Now I know it not only with my intellect, but with my eyes, with my heart, with my stomach.”

“Solitude is independence.”

"There is good and reason in us, in human beings, with whom fortune plays, and we can be stronger than nature and fate, if only for a few hours. And we can draw close to one another in times of need, understand and love one another, and live to comfort each other. And sometimes, when the black depths are silent, we can do even more."

"Man's life seems to me like a long, weary night that would be intolerable if there were not occasionally flashes of light, the sudden brightness of which is so comforting and wonderful, that the moments of their appearance cancel out and justify the years of darkness."

"I do not consider myself less ignorant than most people. 

I have been and still am a seeker, but I have ceased to question stars and books; I have begun to listen to the teachings my blood whispers to me. 

My story is not a pleasant one; it is neither sweet nor harmonious, as invented stories are; it has the taste of nonsense and chaos, of madness and dreams — like the lives of all men who stop deceiving themselves.

Each man's life represents the road toward himself, and attempt at such a road, the intimation of a path. 

No man has ever been entirely and completely himself. Yet each one strives to become that — one in an awkward, the other in a more intelligent way, each as best he can."

here and elsewhere

Hey! Rain day!

It's not the rain especially, it's the low ceiling ... it's a day off from the joy of that for the joy of this!

I have a new magazine full of delicious Fall-ish recipes ... and time to sit and ponder, ummm plan ... menu plans.  I love to plan meals.  I love that Thanksgiving and Christmas are coming up.

Here's something new to me:

Pear Salad found here!

and time to look at beautiful pieces like this:

found here!

and sweet things like this:

here! dearlillie

And I am excited about next week's bible study class ... topic Generational Sins among which are deceit, envy, fear, and pride ... homework for that; read Genesis 30-35.

I have found a better (then me) replacement for my little part time job of assisting my elderly friend with her financial/etc. matters.  It feels good to know that she is in more capable hands ... I experienced it as an exercise in patience and hmmm, I don't know the right words for it ... She is comfortable with less structure (in general) then I like ... I didn't try to impose my need for what I think of as basic organization on how she likes to live,  never thought that was any of my concern ... but the chaos was ... taxing ... for me.  My husband has said rearing a family is like herding cats ... and I know what he means, helping my friend was most certainly my pleasure, but for me, it was more wearing then helping my kids has ever been.  I felt responsible yet unable to truly affect, influence, better outcomes.  It's hard for me to care/not to care.  And ... just to note, I'm not trying to talk about her business, she is fine ... I'm talking about how dealing with other's stretches us ... the emotional/whatever cost are fairly apparent, the growth/benefit may be more difficult to see, but I think it is present and helps build who we are becoming.  I'm glad to have completed the task in a way I can be proud of ... and happy to help out as needed in other areas.

Other thing on my mind today is the company I am providing contract flight instruction for.  

I like teaching people how to fly.  The Sport Pilot regs are somewhat new to me and require a fair bit of diligence.  I like learning new stuff.  Still making time to find more info on that Rotax engine.  I like learning about engines with an interactive DVD.  I like really being able to picture what's happening, or supposed to be happening, with the aircraft systems.  Still looking for something to help with that. I have been putting off learning about the ballistic (parachute) system ... really do not like the idea of an airplane that thinks it needs a parachute. (Yes. I know airplanes do not think ... I also know that sometimes the people in airplanes may find themselves unable to think at the level I'd like everyone a board to be onboard with flying type thinking ... I don't want someone putting the chute on an airplane that would be better off flying/gliding)  I am going to make myself look for You-Tube vids on parachute deployment on LSAs. It makes my tummy feel yuck to consider it ... (yes, to consider watching the vids ... lol).

the company is not local ... but the students are.  I have one face for the company ... and for me, there is something I can best describe as "tension" on what the company is actually.  They sell fractional ownership in an airplane.  I have said I will provide flight instruction for their clients (?).  I have been doing that since my insurance checkout in September.  They are late on my latest billing.  I see this as an opportunity to "stretch" myself towards more then I currently am.  I want to handle this responsibility (training pilots) and the business side of it (getting paid) in a way I can be proud of.  It is a new thing for me to say ... "Hey, where's the money?"  

I think life is about more then the moments we have to live.  I really think the moments are a platform for choices we make within the experiences our previous choices deliver. 

Yesterday I read this: "The world is incomprehensible, and anyone with a mind to attempt comprehension will be driven to madness." DB.

via American Digest  I enjoyed studying the images ... someone did a wonderful job of creating visual representations of word sketches form the Bible ... sorta, I haven't read that the human looking head was wearing a helmet, but it works for me ... .

Incomprehensible.  Indeed.  

It seems to me that I have/get little puzzle pieces ... that in fact my choices "create" little puzzle pieces ... and I have a little stack of pieces to work with (until the cat jumps up on the table, nabs one and darts away with it) ... I "have" a few pieces, I've put together little bits of the bigger picture and they lay with their weird little interlocking edges waiting for the next piece ... I don't have the box with the big picture on front ... I'm not really sure that I've put the pieces I have together in a completely satisfying manner.  I try.  

BTW ... saw The Counselor ... ummm, cannot recommend it.  Spent some energy sifting away bits of words/images/cinematic actions which the storytellers used to convey their story.  It was ... too cruel for me ... I don't watch TV (selective viewing via HULU and Netflix) ... I don't seek to read dark stuff. Under what was "too much" for me is actually a well written (is that possible? ... I think yes, the mode of conveyance was overwhelming for me, but ...) cautionary tale ... about choices and where those choices can take us.  I lost sleep over the images ... and I really spent a pretty good part of the movie with my eyes closed ... humming gently to myself ... breathing, soothing ... this is just a movie.  It hurt my heart to learn about some of that stuff.  (Yes, I know, I coulda/shoulda just walked out ... I really shoulda.) Anyway ... 

 ... incomprehensible ...

Thinking about what DB wrote/thought invited me to think about it.  Mr. Van der Leun's site attracts some really provocative comments. 

 "It matters little that you suffer, so long as you feel alive with a sense of the close bond that connects all living things, so long as love does not die! ~ Hermann Hesse

Actually ... Hesse rocks ... I'm gonna want to compile a different post for some HH quotes.  Companion to this train of thought ... . 

Antoine De Saint-Exupery ... a few quotes ... and pic from last week

segmented circle ... wind 220 gusting
first heat taxis 18

“I fly because it releases my mind from the tyranny of petty things”

AWOS apparatus

“Perhaps love is the process of my leading you gently back to yourself”

Liberator 

“And now here is my secret, a very simple secret; it is only with the heart that one can see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye.”

P-51 tail

“True happiness comes from the joy of deeds well done, the zest of creating things new.”

sunshine on his shoulder...

“A single event can awaken within us a stranger totally unknown to us. To live is to be slowly born.”

performance landing line spotters

“The time for action is now. It's never too late to do something.”

P-51 landing roll with old hangers in background ... same vintage -
bomb drop target, uh, message drop target, foreground

“It is such a secret place, the land of tears.”

CJ departure climb

“I have no right, by anything I do or say, to demean a human being in his own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him; it is what he thinks of himself. To undermine a man's self-respect is a sin.”

Liberator kicking up chalk

"In every crowd are certain persons who seem just like the rest, yet they bear amazing messages."

chalk dust cloud ...pervasive but settled quickly

"I did not know how to reach him, how to catch up with him...The land of tears is so mysterious."

stencil chest ... so far

War Birds

 B-17G Flying Fortress

B-24J Liberator

P-51C Mustang

G

flourless chocolate cake - like truffle filling (delicious) and caramel sauce w/ sea salt

• 1/2 cup water
• 1/4 tsp salt
• 3/4 cup white sugar
• 18 oz. bittersweet chocolate
• 1 cup unsalted butter
• 6 eggs

1. Preheat oven to 300 degrees F (150 degrees C). Grease one 10 inch round cake pan and set aside.
2. In a small saucepan over medium heat combine the water, salt and sugar. Stir until completely dissolved and set aside.
3. Either in the top half of a double boiler or in a microwave oven melt the bittersweet chocolate. Pour the chocolate into the bowl of an electric mixer.
4. Cut the butter into pieces and beat the butter into the chocolate, 1 piece at a time. Beat in the hot sugar-water. Slowly beat in the eggs, one at a time.
5. Pour the batter into the prepared pan. Have a pan larger than the cake pan ready, put the cake pan in the larger pan and fill the pan with boiling water halfway up the sides of the cake pan.
6. Bake cake in the water bath at 300 degrees F (150 degrees C) for 45 minutes. The center will still look wet. Chill cake overnight in the pan. To unmold, dip the bottom of the cake pan in hot water for 10 seconds and invert onto a serving plate
   .

Caramel sauce ... found here ... Simply recipes ... made me feel simply genius!  I added coarse sea salt later (because I like caramel with salt) 

Monday morning ... 07005 +10 85OVC 14/11 3026  ... the ground is wet and it's "rainey" feeling outside.
Perfect!
I have no students today (maybe a discovery flight early after lunch, tomorrow would be better for that).  Today is laundry day, and a day for moving around the house with my cleaning bucket.  I smile to think of a  refrigerator clean inside and out ... and possibly a tidied pantry.  It's time to start pulling everything out from under all the sinks in the house and tossing out the "stuff" that hides way back next to the wall under the plumbing, stuff not worth packing for the ride back to Texas.  I think that may be the catalyst for all this "general sense of well being".
The appearance of the wood on the chest of drawers I'm working on is pretty rough - beyond "lovin' up".  It was sitting outside with a for sale sign taped to it when I bought it.  Perfect candidate for some of that jazzy Annie Sloan chalk paint.

Out of the depths I cry to you, Lord;

^2 
2 

    Lord, hear my voice.

Let your ears be attentive    to my cry for mercy.

hear my voice.

~PSALM 130:1&2 NIV

That was the text for today's sermon ... well, the entire Psalm, but this is the part i wanted to think about today, and i endeavor to write a note tonight.

airplane being moved by a tug

Pastor talked a bit about people getting stuck in holes, actual holes, also, and probably even more commonly, allegoric holes ... places where we get stuck.

... was thinking about a place where I "got stuck" and how that progressed and eventually resolved.  

     Out of the depths I cry to you, Lord;

           Lord, hear my voice.

Let your ears be attentive

    to my cry for mercy.

³ 

If you, Lord, kept a record of sins,

    Lord, who could stand?

⁴ 

But with you there is forgiveness,

    so that we can, with reverence, serve you.

⁵ 

I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits,

    and in his word I put my hope.

⁶ 

I wait for the Lord

    more than watchmen wait for the morning,

    more than watchmen wait for the morning.

⁷ 

Israel, put your hope in the Lord,

    for with the Lord is unfailing love

    and with him is full redemption.

⁸ 

He himself will redeem Israel

    from all their sins.

...and continues to work itself out (I hope ... this sort of hope: ). 

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.~loves

(from 1 Corinthians 13)  

Where I was stuck I felt ... unprotected and unable to trust ... and the very notion of trust seemed, ummm, naive ... something for dreamers ...  perseverance I thought I understood, but unwrapped from these other morethanwords perseverance was mostly about surviving*, and there were days when that didn't seem very important at all.  I think it's really impossible to "understand/embrace" love when those other words that help support it are beyond the reach of one's soul ... where love is just another pretty word.  

*surviving is a word about the physical I think because it's something a body does ... souls are eternal ... so, if these are words for the edification of one's soul, and I think they must be, this perseverance isn't about just "hanging on".

And then ... the soul in a very deep hole cries out to the Lord for mercy ... that's what I did. 

Pastor talked about a homeless man out in California who fell into a hole out in the woods somewhere and he couldn't get out ... a hiker and his dog happened by and the dog pulled his person over to the hole where two eyes looked up ... Pastor said the guy thought it was a bear or some other wild thing until  he heard the word water.  I should google it.  I totally get it ... just walking along, basically minding one's own business and next thing you know, and it's surreal, you're in a deep hole from which you can not escape on your own ...  you realize later after you've made it an even deeper hole. 

He spoke also about holes one prefers to stay it ... places where people want to be stuck.  I guess it would be even more difficult to get out of a hole you wanted to stay in. 

Chesed ... unfailing love.