tidy

I've been away from my home a lot since March, and the days I have been home have been spent either asleep or in a frenzy of appointments/activities.  It's interesting to see what I do when I get home, informative I think of how I really am when I feel most at ease.  Even before my suitcase is emptied I tidy.  I tidy the kitchen first (starting with the pantry and refrigerator), next counter tops and floors, today I will clean the oven and microwave.  I cleared everything off of the dining room table before I vacuumed the floors.  Floors probably next.  I feel like getting "stuff" orderly helps ... it feels like a metaphor for getting myself back to feeling normal.  There are still boxes of my mom's things scattered around, a couple of file boxes as I wrap up her affairs, a box of the white china we grew up eating from (need to pack it better for storage), a big plastic tub of miscellaneous items like small hand tools and hardware, oil, glue ... stuff that should be used, stuff that wants "a place".  I think my mom had a compulsion to have at least two containers of every household product she used ... two jugs of fabric softener, two bottles of windex, two packages of scouring pads.  At the Hospice House the chaplain asked me what she was like ... what were her hobbies.  Probably we have more in common then I realized ... she liked to fiddle around her house, she liked to keep things orderly.  When we were young she loved to meal plan and cook.  Good nutrition was a priority with her.  I was really amazed and impressed at how perfectly she was able to keep her home.  The Hospice people, when asked how will I know she is declining, said she will start letting dishes pile up in the sink.  I laughed ... I couldn't imagine that that would ever happen.  I'm sad when I remember how fast she went from being able to being completely unable. It was as though we stepped off of a cliff together.  One day everything seemed perfectly normal and the next day ... I held her as her breathing ceased.

She liked watching the birds ... and she had a genius for house plants (outside plants as well, she loved to garden).

I'm thinking about her today.  I do like seeing the places where she and I "connect" ... and it's interesting to observe those little things that I might think of as habits ... my husband says they are a little OCD ... my sister-in-law calls them "a little Pat coming out" ... it's funny because my dad was like that too ... what I call orderly. And ... One mentioned it, how he likes the towels folded a certain way even though he is less meticulous about his shirts ... lol, I see very tidy shirt folding in his future, it starts with the towels.  L asked me how I can fold his under shirts just so they fit perfectly in his drawers ... and yesterday I opened his undershirt drawer and saw two shirts that were (sorta) folded and placed there while I was away ... I resisted the urge to refold them (just barely).

What I am doing is sleeping until I am ready to get up, my husband leaves very early and because it's summer no one really needs to be out of the house on a schedule ... sleep seems to be a priority (I didn't know I was so tired).  Then ... my plan is to just do what seems most normal.  Quiet stuff, stay at home stuff.  H is coming down tomorrow and wants me to spend the day laying around the pool.  I probably will ... catch up time.  I want to get to the pottery studio ... and I want to get to a yoga routine ... and walk Sammy ... and cook and clean (smile/sigh).

This morning I fixed coffee for myself (the house is so nice and quiet ... cool. still ... home, it even smells great here) and came to the table where I can sit awhile ... just relax and talk to myself here with my fingers tapping out the thoughts ...

here is what I see:  that is a little box, tissue paper, wrapping paper and a ribbon ... a gift was opened at dinner last night ... that is a very tidy "pile" of trash ... lol, very orderly (it wasn't me).  Yesterday I meal planned ... and cooked (delicious flank steak pinwheels with spinach, sun-dried tomatoes and Boursin cheese ... and for the first time ever,  Chimichurri sauce (we liked it).  There was a wonderful shrimp/avocado salad to accompany the entrée.  Later I received a text message,  love you, thanks for the special evening.  left clothes in the washer will you please move them to dryer for me? Happy to.  Really.It's not just that small thing, it's being home.

My brother is constantly on my mind.  This week he is feeling stronger.  That seems to be how it's going to be ... chemo week knocks him down ... recovery week he gets back up.  I needed to talk with him yesterday about how torn I am about not "being there" for him.  I said I think it's a vote of confidence that He can do this thing.  I also think I was at the tipping point of driving my sister-in-law bonkers!  Cancer launches a big bomb into people's lives.  There really is no way to know how to "go about" dealing with it.  We do the best we can.  He said he missed the spoilin' but promises to call when they really need me (if they really need me again ... there is hope that he is past the worst part of treatment).  L has made room in his schedule to take us back for a visit early August.

I wonder how many people get to spend extended quiet time with their adult siblings.  It has been a real treat.  It's a sucky time, but we scavenge for joy here as well.

So ... ovens ... walk ... (maybe fold my kid's clothes).

pinwheels

chimichurri sauce

Daylilies

These daylilies
are blooming in the bed closest to my front door. i like that each individual flower is  "on" for one day only, that God can derive enough pleasure from the flower as a one day thing ... thus: dayliliy ... one day is good enough.
maybe we are more like that ... truly glorious on our one peak day.

back home

Ann Voskamp site

PINTEREST

ARTPROPELLED

I'm back in my little nest. Everything feels weird.  It feels exactly like that dream I had last week ... where the tree I was in just fell away ... and it was like I was standing atop a telephone pole.  I've seen pictures of people doing that. How do people get up there?  (The dream unsettles me still ... I can't remember ever calling out for help either in a dream or while awake. I need help. ... from whence cometh my help.

My help cometh from the Lord ~Ps. 121)  Hello, help please. (I shoulda asked sooner.)

How do they ever get back down?
I don't know where dreams, or nightmares, come from ... I'm actually afraid of heights ... I fear falling. In the dream I told myself not to be afraid (but I was ... and I am).  Help please. 

A couple of weeks ago we (my brother and I) were in the hospital quietly watching birds fly ... around, I would say fly by, but it seemed like maybe they were just flying around the area ... it seemed like the same birds.  Tommy wondered aloud,"Do you think they have a plan for where they are going? They seem so intent, flying from here to where ever ... ".  I thought about my three black cats who look alike.  You wouldn't be able to tell them apart, but I can.  I know them.  They are very different from each other.  Are birds like that?  Do they have ... plans?

Last night as we drove down our street my husband said, "You haven't been here for three weeks." I've been away.  Boxes full of my mother's things are all over my house ... and there is a shattered platter on the dining room floor, shards are everywhere (cat naughtiness I assume).  Four cans of soup are on the grains shelf. Sammy is looking a bit Rastafari. There's lots to do. 

This morning I woke up and walked Sammy.  He is so happy to see me.  Last night I hugged him over the fence ... he couldn't stop smiling and wagging his tail. I cried.  

Around front day lilies were nodding with unopened blooms, and the cicadas were singing and fireflies were ... strobing. The velvety night air, heavy with the rain that came after my eyes were shut, smelled ... fabulous ... gardenias, magnolias, well tended lawns ... air filtered fresh by trees which also provide shelter for birds.  Singing birds.  Even when it's dark they call to each other.  I think they know what they are doing.  Maybe they don't have plans. Sure doesn't seem like they do. They are good at "right this moment" stuff. 

Behold the fowls of the heaven: 

for they sow not, neither reap, nor carry into the barns, 

yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. 

Are ye not much better than they?

Matthew 6:26

 And that's what I'm going to try to do ... just gonna try to stay in the moment.  Sweep up messes ... walk the dog, do some laundry, (smile) breathe ... try to sing.

and a handful of thoughts

“Tears are words that need to be written.” 

― Paulo Coelho

 "It is far better take things as they come along with patience and equanimity." 

~Carl Gustav Jung

"If you don't think your anxiety, depression, sadness and stress impact your physical health, think again. All of these emotions trigger chemical reactions in your body, which can lead to inflammation and a weakened immune system. Learn how to cope, sweet friend. There will always be dark days." ~Kris Carr

"Sadness is but a wall between two gardens." 

~Khalil Gibran

lately

Austin Central Market
really neat

corn, pretty much every where

Waco

Waco

Waco

South of Dallas

Dallas

landing DFW

Six Flags
don't think I could do those swings w/o some serious leaking

South Lake

tune

today on 79

Faith is reason plus revelation, 

and the revelation part requires one to think with the spirit 

as well as with the mind. 

You have to hear the music, 

not just read the notes on the page. 

~Francis Collins

also:

For me, in my Christian belief, prayer is not an opportunity to manipulate God into doing what you want him to. Prayer is an opportunity to have a conversation with God to try to get in tune with what his will is. ~Francis Collins

Tune:

a archaic :  quality of sound :  tone

b :  manner of utterance :  intonation; specifically :  phonetic modulation

2

a :  a pleasing succession of musical tones :  melody

b :  a dominant theme

3

:  correct musical pitch or consonance —used chiefly in the phrases in tune and out of tune

4

a archaic :  a frame of mind :  mood

b :  agreement, harmony tune

 with the times>

c :  general attitude :  approach tune when the going got rough>

just a (very tiny) storm of thoughts

texting with Four

Still in Texas ... hanging around mostly.  Today was a chemo day.  I ran a few errands and picked up lunch.

played around with my Waterlogue app

My husband likes to assess my state of being (I'm guessing) by looking at a pic of me snapped (and sent) pretty much as soon as I wake up everyday.  It's a very nice idea, but ... of course ... I know how to kick up a smile ... one must put ones best face forward (and all that).  

God's word ... indeed ... and not to be irreverent, but shoe shopping also helps (I find "re-soling" is good for the soul).  Yeah, I'm thinking about this ... Grace, and pearls ... it hurts like brand new shoes ... the vid links to both Bono and Sadé are there.

On sale, which made them irresistible ... even tho they are patent leather, and I grew up when shiny Mary Janes (and fresh white gloves) were worn only for church or weddings ... I'm going to wear them mostly with rolled up skinny jeans.

I was offered a trip to Lexington tomorrow ... if I were home and available I think I'd do it.  Not flying very much has me thinking about how much I like to fly.  And ... that my medical is almost due ... and that I am not in the proper frame of mind to fly without a flying buddy.  I've never felt like that before, but I don't quite think IM SAFE (lol). Stress and Fatigue have caught up with me.

“Live in the sunshine, swim the sea, drink the wild air.” 
― Ralph Waldo Emerson

Sand dollars, in an enamel dish on T's patio table.  They are sitting in rain water ... once dry they'll bleach out again.  I like 'em as they are here as well.

yep ... just a whole lot of random.  I'm thinking about stuff, but it's not very well organized thinking.  Mostly, I think "Don't ... don't think ... just do what seems best".  Last night for the first time ever (that I can remember) I dreamed about wolves, which is supposed to be a good dream symbol ... and I dreamed I was way up high in a tree that broke and fell away, except the limb I was standing on, and in the dream I started calling out, "Help, Help ... Help", and that part of me that knew I was just dreaming wondered if God could hear me ... and I think yes, God hears even those little half formed shadowy pleas.

Today we saw a fb post of a kid playing with his daddy and we laughed and Tommy said remember when we used to do that.  I had forgotten and smiled to remember.  It's pretty neat to be reminded of silly stuff ... neat what is remembered when reminded.  

What else?

"It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them." ~RWE

"Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year." ~RWE

“A friend is a person with whom I may be sincere. Before him, I may think aloud.”~RWE

“Belief consists in accepting the affirmations of the soul; unbelief, in denying them.” ~RWE

“All I have seen teaches me to trust the Creator for all I have not seen.” 

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

building memories

Today was a good day.
A ... not in the hospital day.
A day to do whatever he wanted to do day ... and he built a little pink bike.  Gosh sweet.

One day last week he told me about another bike he built.  He was probably eight years old, brown as a little raisin ... summer, the summer after that great April Fool's Day prank ... my older brother woke him up, telling him that a ton of planes had landed in the school yard near our house, come on hurry, get up, it's like an invasion ... .  He really never believed it, but he did get up to go see ... a good sport, he really was never gullible (I was, my brothers weren't ... they were more the seeing is believing types).  He said that summer day he rode his bike through ditches full of water, probably up to the seat.  It just seemed interesting ... could a bicycle be pedaled through water ... what would that be like?
He said it was fun ... and funny.
Then ... he decided he better take his bike completely apart ... and dry it, and oil it.  He laughed as he remembered.
"Gosh, really? Completely apart?"  I asked him ... hard to believe even for me.
He said it was so completely apart that there was nothing left to disassemble ... and then our dad walked up and saw it on his way in after a day's work.
"Whatcha doin' boy?"  His eyebrows were raised, his voice was soft as always.
I laughed right there in the hospital room when he told me.  Sure ... sounds just like our dad.
Tommy told him the story of the water and the fun of it I guess.  I think he said Daddy asked him if he was going to be able to get it all back together.  All the parts ... lined up ... dried and oiled ... shining in the evening sun ... and a little kid sitting there, probably with a great big grin on his face.  "Yes sir" he would have said, "I believe I can."  And our daddy laughed and went on inside. I said he was probably peeking out through the front window ... watching his boy, and I know he woulda been smiling.

He got it all back together ... of course.  He's always been good at fixing things.  I didn't even have to ask him if Daddy had to help.

Sweet ... sweet little memories.  He broke his arm that same summer.  Didn't slow him down much as I recall.

Today he built a bike for his little granddaughter ... his wife's granddaughter who calls him PapaTom.  And she loves him.  Family are the people we hold in our hearts.  I love that he has a full heart ... a perfect heart (we watched it on a EKG just a couple of days ago ... it was super cool and I smiled when the tech said ... you have a perfect heart because that is perfectly true).

He said he was going to save the finishing touches, the little tassels, and the basket, for when she could supervise.  Pretty sweet.

hospital pics ...

Medi Vac type operation
we liked watching these guys do their thing
... save lives

plenty of time to "do" my nails
very tempted to paint T's while he napped
he kept his socks on
 and didn't particularly think that was funny

just something I thought might be interesting on the walk arounds
a lap marker ...

T-Rex cacti holders
very Austin
spotted on a field trip w/ B

getting ready for dismissal
home Tuesday ...
Infection being treated
I don't think he'll miss the hospital,
but we are deeply appreciative of the
outstanding (and super kind) care he received while there
the nurses really made the long stay tolerable!

uh huh!!!

Basic Information About Colorectal Cancer

Cancer is a disease in which cells in the body grow out of control. When cancer starts in the colon or rectum, it is called colorectal cancer. Sometimes it is called colon cancer, for short.

Colorectal cancer affects men and women of all racial and ethnic groups, and is most often found in people aged 50 years or older. In the United States, it is the third most common cancer for men and women.

Of cancers that affect both men and women, colorectal cancer is the second leading cancer killer in the United States, but it doesn't have to be. Colorectal cancer screening saves lives. Screening can find precancerous polyps—abnormal growths in the colon or rectum—so that they can be removed before turning into cancer. Screening also helps find colorectal cancer at an early stage, when treatment often leads to a cure. About nine out of every 10 people whose colorectal cancers are found early and treated appropriately are still alive five years later.

If you are aged 50 or older, get screened now. If you think you may be at higher than average risk for colorectal cancer, speak with your doctor about getting screened early.


A lot of people have said the worse part of the colonscopy is the "fast" and drink that is required before the procedure.  Prep is a yucky process.  I've been very attentive to this screening process because I know  Colon Cancer runs in my family.  It's not pleasant ... the fast (this time nothing after dinner on Tuesday until after the procedure on Thursday), the drink (like a bucket full of nastiness), the IV (the first attempt resulted in a blown vein and I got a little weepy thinking of UT as the kids call him ... such a warrior) ... then, no big deal.  I don't even remember the procedure.  They give you something very nice so that you don't notice ... and for me not to notice it must have been some pretty soothing stuff.

Then, my husband took me to a favorite lunch place (turkey wrap with side of sweet potato chips ... which I vaguely remember), then home to rest.

 I did have one polyp this time.  The Dr. told my husband that it didn't look like the kind that might develop into cancer, but of course they sent it off to biopsy ... results came in yesterday ... all clear.
All done for a couple of years.

The PCP sent blood sample off for a screening ... haven't heard back from that, but I'm confident that it'll be clear as well.

right afterwards
looks like my serious face

The "view" is definitely best from this side of the building. A room across the hall might allow a direct line of sight look at a church steeple a ways off ... I did like spotting that in the tree line, but over here one can see the sun rise.  This morning, for the first day here this time, the sky is relatively clear.  The few low-level clouds are moving along briskly and the flags are flapping gaily about.  Tommy pointed out a red sky earlier this morning.  Rain tomorrow?

Winds from the south.
Well, let's get a quick look at this ... .
KAUS 061234Z 15007KT 9SM FEW021 24/22 A2991
TAF says winds projected to pick up (14G20) around 11 local today.  It's 75 degrees F with RH@89%.  I like the way the wind moves around this complex of buildings ... worked out one mile laps and enjoy the transition on my skin and in my hair from a hot, still side to the shaded, breezy side.  Perfect place to walk.  My FitBit bracelet fell off somewhere between the TSA checkpoint and gate 36.  I have a pretty good feel for what 10,000 steps feels like though.

Boy, it's easy to see why people have wanted to try to read their fortunes in the sky, or in tea leaves.  All we've got are cold coffee dregs in styrofoam cups, and a picture window encouraging us to appreciate the air conditioning.

Ummm ... not much has changed this week.  Well, I say that.  The changes are slow ... slowly improving ... so slow that the joy of being on the mend gets almost lost in the frustrations of unknowns, wait and sees, unknowables.  For example, I forget to be thankful that the pain is managed as we fret about it's source.

A bird lands on that parking lot light almost every time I look out the window.  I've noticed that the birds glide just above the tree tops. One, probably a mocking bird, is nest building in the little "a".

I think the medical cross should be red (yes, there is time to ponder such matters).  If they wanted to play with the font they stopped short (it's that I have a sense of too much and too little time on my hands at the same time ... the perfect time cocktail for noting less important details).
Good news yesterday ... no news today.  Waiting weighs heavy ... and especially so when one doesn't know what they're waiting for.  His sheet gently rises and falls with his breathing, steady as the twirl of the IV monitor, steady as the florescent hum of the wall light that he likes to keep on.  I watch his face.  He is dreaming.
He grimaces.

Pretty soon I'll go round up some breakfast tacos and "real" coffee and have breakfast in the room.  He has scheduled a disconnect from the lines for shower time.  They have a great shower here with unlimited hot water.  And last night he found a scale down on the PT wing which gave him some good news ... weight coming back up. I think the medical team is outstanding. 

He is doing good.

I am fine as well.

getting better

working out the placement of these plates
around that painting
this is not it

laundry washed, folded
put away
tidy soothes me

I think my brother said yesterday was a month since his last stay in the hospital.  This morning when the doctor came by he said, "You'll be with us for at least a couple of days."  Waiting on lab results to will determine which is the most appropriate antibiotic treatment for this infection.  My SHCFM

called to let us know they were headed to the ER ... and later that he was admitted ... and later that "what was working towards a crisis" had been averted.  I'd been home for a couple of weeks.  Long enough to get my house tidied up (mostly) and myself checked out and rested up (mostly).  L and I thought it would be a good idea for me to fly over here so I packed while L booked a flight.  (Thank you L)

up the escalator from the planetrain to gate B36
the last gate

my seat behind the wing
ready for push
This is an MD90
I think the 737s look pretty nice

I was amusing myself by monitoring our progress on ForeFlight ... the climb out wasn't sleek but I knew we were flying into weather, and I am not at all familiar with the characteristics of the plane.  Pilot turned from 263 to about 180 and I thought that was odd, but ... maybe a WX diversion (yes, it didn't really make sense.  Looking westward from my window I didn't see any big deal ahead, but I believed the guys up front knew what they were doing).  After a turn back to the airport was complete the FO came on saying something like ... they lost oil pressure in one of the engines and were flying back to the airport ... I think I heard a bit of pucker factor .  An uneventful landing was accomplished and we sat for a tiny while waiting for a gate.

These guys came out and circled the plane slowly ... .  Delta really rocked the recovery.  The young woman next to me said, "What does he mean, they train for this?"  I told her he really wanted to say ... we live for this.  I bet it breaks up the monotony ... and they greased the landing.  I teased the FO that I think he might wanna work up an announcement for every contingency ... he was like, oh yeah that  ... I think the other pilot was talking then ... . Pretty sure Left Seat would be flying ... maybe not, idk.

Woke up in Texas.

My brother is doing well.  I hope we can bust him out of here in a couple of days.  I'm trying to think of some fun day trips to help break up the monotony of getting better.  And ... I'm trying not to gain weight this time (Texas BBQ is definitely fun)!