moving boxes

It's definitely Spring and the grass is "greening up".  You can't see it in the picture of the front of the house, but the hydrangeas under the garage windows are sprouting new leaves.  I like the blue flowers with the orange brick ... and the yellow day lilies.  Spring.  Birds singing and crickets chirping and frogs making that strange froggy sound.  This is the first movement of the cicada symphony.

I don't know what we will do with all these books!  Last year, at Christmas, I gave away several of my most valued books.  I thought one, just the right one for each of the seven kids (our five plus two they share with our family).  I thought it would be interesting for them to read the book this year then pass it to someone else in the reading circle so that in time we might have developed a common vernacular by which to think about some important ideas.  We'll see how that goes.  Maybe the books haven't been opened since - idk.
I do know that L has a ton of books.  I am down to one bookshelf full myself, most of them aviation related.  This semester I am giving students any duplicates that might help them, previously I have loaned those out.  I may be past instructing.  I smile in my heart when I think of flying again, but I don't yearn for it.  Staying proficient requires more time then I seem to have for it ... and I really hate sloppy flying.

Late last night, well, later then late because we went for a walk around 11:00 and the text came in after that, anyway, last night the one of Tommy's nurses who I felt such an affinity for sent a text.  I was very happy to hear from her.  Tommy came to love her and I did too.  He loved easily.  I don't.  I've become more so, but I am still somewhat reserved with strangers and ... everyone is strange to me.  That's not really so.  I love my people very much.  I'm learning how to "embrace" better.  I don't like to be hurt so I manage the risk ... we all do relationships differently.  She has had a heartbreaking experience this year, and my heart joins hers in the grief of it.  Life can be quite difficult.  We agreed that there are also shimmering moments of joy.  I wonder if it were possible to see the big picture of one's life or even bigger then that ... I wonder if the joy could be more readily perceived.

I do notice that a more relaxed pace allows one to hear the birds sing ... and time to wonder what they are singing about ... and time to ask myself why I don't sing more myself.

• "Happiness makes up in height for what it lacks in length." ~ Robert Frost

Psalm 66:4English Standard Version (ESV)

4 All the earth worships you
    and sings praises to you;
    they sing praises to your name.” Selah

Canticle Of The Sun
Refrain:
The heavens are telling the glory of god, and all creation is shouting for
joy, come, dance in the forest, come play in the field and sing, sing to the glory of the Lord

Sing to the sun, the bringer of day, he carries the light of the Lord in his rays, the moon and the stars, who light up the way unto your throne.
Refrain
Praise to the wind, that blows through the trees, the seas mighty storms, the gentlest breeze, they blow where they will, they blow where they please, to please the Lord.
Refrain
Praise to the rain that waters our fields, and blesses our crops, so all the earth yields, from death unto life her myst'ry concealed, springs forth in joy.
Refrain
Praise to the fire, who gives us his light, the warmth of the sun to brighten our night, he dances with joy, his spirit so bright, he sings of You.
Refrain
Sing to the earth, who makes life to grow, the creatures You made to let Your life show, the flowers and trees that help us to know the Heart of Love.
Refrain
Praise to our death, that makes our life real, the knowledge of loss that helps us to feel, the Gift of Yourself, Your Presence revealed to bring us home.Refrain

 ~ St. Francis of Assisi

that place in Texas

It really does seem like we are getting ready to put our house on the market this time.
Maybe not, there's something I'm trying not to pay attention to which will be decided this week (and would maybe keep us here through the summer).

I'm experiencing many new to me insights and emotions as we negotiate this process.  Yesterday I unloaded the top cabinets in my kitchen, painted what's there - L is changing the hardware on the door fronts to something better (now that we want to sale and that is a bit of an irritant ... the next people get the great stuff while I just made due ... life is busily sorting priorities) - I'm using the Annie Sloan Chalk paint on the cabinets because I like the softness of that paint on the older construction.  Today I'll begin the wax finish.  I replaced the cork lining on the two bottom shelves only - that stuff has gotten expensive and the top shelf just got fresh vinyl. I noticed that if you like to cook a lot of different things you need a lot of different types and sizes of cookware.  I'm "de-cluttering" so there is a big plastic storage bucket full of top cabinet stuff sitting in the middle of the kitchen floor waiting to be pack nicely into U-haul boxes.  I'm supposed to get a storage unit rented asap ... I want to make the house look like three people live here instead of the seven who have stuff, and lots of it, stored in every nook and cranny.  As I sort I wonder why so much stuff ... ?  Momma was too good at tossing stuff ... I'm trying to channel her!  Next dilemma ... I wonder if it's best to add a garage sale to my list of things to do.  Maybe I could make a couple hundred bucks ... which I'd like to do ... but it seems like a big project and I don't think my undesirable stuff is worth much.  In the past I have kept a bag in the front closet for things that are ready to leave our home ... I've always donated it.  Donating stuff you no longer need is easy.  We do that in life and think it's "charity" when it is in fact simply expeditious.  

This morning. before it got too hot (yeah, it really did, I was dripping sweat and Southern girls must stop at glisten! lol) I transplanted Day Lilies from the garden into 8 big pots.  I'd like to take some of my plants  with me to Texas.  Wisteria grows like crazy here and is considered a huge nuisance.  In Texas it's prized.  I need to get a good root system for at least one vine ... I'd love to plant some on a fence or trellis over there.  Also, I need a few starts from my Granny's gardenia bush.  Momma brought some over for me probably twenty years ago.  It was in a quart bucket.  Maybe I'll find (or start) enough babies to guarantee a good start of that for our next place.  

It's weird to move.  I'm finding little things that I haven't seen in years, maybe even many years. It underlines how fast life passes by.  

Well ... lots to do today!

Rub for brisket and pork loin

In order of amount needed:

kosher salt
black pepper
garlic powder
onion powder


paprika
mustard powder 
ground cumin
brown sugar
dried thyme
chili powder
coriander seeds

Tommy added juice from a batch of pickled jalapenos and lime juice to his marinade for fajitas, drop the brown sugar out for sure and the mustard powder.

 I am planting Impatients (aka, Poppers) today.  Yesterday I edged and pruned all the front yard shrubs.  I was away when it was time to do that last year and they were really out of hand!  I really enjoy gardening.  It's  cool to see things come back, hidden in the ground they spring back in the most delightful way.

This is from last week.  I'll post an updated picture when these little guys are flourishing.  

Yesterday, I worked inside the house.  It amazes me how much "stuff" can be collected and tucked away over 20 some odd years of life in the same house.  I'm going through my stuff ... flying stuff for example ... and making three piles; keep (why?), pass on to my current ground students, toss (harder then you might think!).  I was distracted my a bread box size tin of pics taken around aviation, some my own, more then a few shared by other pilots.  Along with the post Mr. Van der Leun put together for his readers (linked below in the post before this one) that bunch of pictures reminds me of God working in a tiny life, my own life, as I journey along making choices and adapting to choices made by those around me.  Flying is ... amazingly cool.  I hope everyone has something in their own lives by which they may frame life experience, which are spiritual experiences in disguise. 

Well ... today.  Gotta get going on it!   Get to get going on it (thought with a smile). Life is good.

This is the day 

which the LORD has made; 

Let us rejoice and be glad in it.

Psalm 118:24

Choice ... making choices.

Okay, Here's the Deal: "This time it will be God without disguise...."
Via  American Digest  Gerard Van der Leun

"Every time you make a choice you are turning the central part of you, the part of you that chooses, into something a little different from what it was before. And taking your life as a whole, with all your innumerable choices, all your life long you are slowly turning this central thing either into a heavenly creature or into a hellish creature: either into a creature that is in harmony with God, and with other creatures, and with itself, or else into one that is in a state of war and hatred with God, and with its fellow-creatures, and with itself. To be the one kind of creature is heaven: that is, it is joy and peace and knowledge and power. To be the other means madness, horror, idiocy, rage, impotence, and eternal loneliness. Each of us at each moment is progressing to the one state or the other."

-- C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

One of the questions asked in the longer snippet from the book, Mere Christianity, C.S. Lewis 

is:  Why is God not more obvious?  Here, in Lewis' own words: "Why is God landing in this enemy-occupied world in disguise and starting a sort of secret society to undermine the devil? Why is He not landing in force, invading it? Is it that He is not strong enough? 

"Well, Christians think He is going to land in force; we do not know when. But we can guess why He is delaying. He wants to give us the chance of joining His side freely. I do not suppose you and I would have thought much of a Frenchman who waited till the Allies were marching into Germany and then announced he was on our side.

Chicken with Squash

The chicken is how I frequently prepare it.  Begin with boneless, skinless breasts, cut to bite size pieces and toss them with Italian spices, maybe garlic and onion powder, salt ... and brown them in a little bit of olive oil. I turn the fire down, put a lid on the skillet and let them cook through.  Sometimes a sprinkle freshly grated Parmesan cheese on them once they are on the plate.  Lately, I've been putting a wedge or two of one of the Laughing Cow cheese triangles in the cooler skillet, allowing them to melt and coat the chicken.  That's pretty yummy (and low cal.) too.
On the vegetables I spotted already cut up acorn squash in the vegetable aisle.  That stuff is so hard to cut in two much less cube!  Momma always served it as a holder for butter and brown sugar.  I built on her idea ... so this is acorn squash, zucchini, and onion (Vidalia). I peeled the Zucchini because it had been in the frig while we were on vacation and I wanted to get a good look at it ... still good, and I think it would have been prettier on the plate had the green been on.  To the big chucks I added tiny bits of crystallized ginger, some dried mango (darker orange in the pic) some yellow bell pepper and a Serrano pepper seeds and all ... oh, and two cloves of pressed garlic ... these were cooked in a bit of olive oil as well as the chicken.  After tasting it I added about a tablespoon full of honey.  Quick and easy dinner!  I think walnuts or pumpkin seeds would have added to it.

I'm looking forward to an easy Easter lunch menu ... make in advance style.

The Missing Element in Modern Economics | John Mueller

BY JOHN D. MUELLER

John D. Mueller is the Lehrman Institute Fellow in Economics and Director of the Economics and Ethics Program at the Ethics and Public Policy Center. Mr. Mueller specializes in the relation of modern economic theory to its Judeo-Christian and Greco-Roman origins, its practical application to personal, family, and political economy, and the interaction of economics, philosophical worldviews, and religious faith.

Mr. Mueller retired in January 2015 as president of LBMC LLC, a firm in Washington, D.C. specializing in economic and financial-market forecasting and economic policy analysis. He has more than 35 years’ experience in those fields. Besides investment managers, Mr. Mueller has advised many American and foreign economic policymakers on monetary policy and exchange rates, policies for reducing unemployment, and income-tax, welfare and Social Security reform. He is author of Redeeming Economics: Rediscovering the Missing Element (ISI Books, 2010; updated paperback, 2014). From 1979 through 1988, Mr. Mueller was economist and speechwriter to then-Congressman Jack Kemp, mostly as Economic Counsel to the House Republican Conference (caucus) of which Kemp was chairman. In that capacity he drafted bills originating some key features of President Ronald Reagan’s tax cuts of 1981 and Tax Reform Act of 1986 and of Kemp’s 1988 presidential campaign. Mr. Mueller graduated in 1974 from Haverford College.John Mueller - EPPC

things we saw this week in Texas

lunch stop first day - big blue sky

L visiting with his mom

a cool "subdivision" we looked at and really like

great smelling stuff - pink honeysuckle?

the house we liked best
great house bad location

more great smelling stuff, this time a tree - like wisteria

trucks wrapped around and out into the street
for a Starbucks in the middle of nowhere

this one stood up for the photo op ... 

seems like it should be wearing a hat ...

big planes circumnavigating the weather in the middle of the country

as seen this week - it resonates

glitter

We were back in Texas looking at properties this past week ... so far no joy, but the possibilities abound.  

I really had only one thing I needed to do.  

Tommy and I saw a few "graduations" at the infusion center.  He said, "I'm really looking forward to having the glitter tossed on me ... ."  I was looking forward to it as well, turns out this is the best we could do.  I had hoped his wife might be able to join us for that but we didn't see her at all during this trip.  She has flatly stated that she doesn't want to continue a relationship with me (us), and though it came as a hurtful surprise, the truth is she probably knows better then I about such things.  I am not good at kicking people out of my life.  It's also true that probably all we had in common was our love for Tommy.  Quite frankly, I found her to difficult to understand, and self involved ... and she is the only person who has ever called me a bitch which was hurtful, but also funny.  I laughed.  I felt bad about laughing at her, but not about telling her that the good thing about the whole weird ending was that I would no longer be required to listen to her constant yapping ... and I did that yapping illustration thing with both hands.  People have asked, "What were your brother's last words to you" ... as though maybe there will be insights on life or meaningful reflections.  We did talk a good bit last year ... mostly laughing at childhood memories, some reflecting on roads not taken and might have beens for him ... he spoke of regrets concerning his children, we talked about him making "it" to remission and what life might look like from there.  Towards the end ... when there was little doubt that the end was near he said he was sorry to "leave me with all this" that he never intended to make me carry the load of being the last one standing ... he said as far as the next bit goes I should get ready for the "histhirdwife'sname show" and that he truly regretted the pain that that was likely to cause me (and I still didn't expect it ... lol).  I've always heard that people get weird when someone dies and that was sure true with this experience.  I never saw the animosity coming though looking back I see that I should have, might have, had I been paying attention. That time, for me, was all about making things as good as I possibly could for him ... part of that was managing her with as much tenderness and compassion as I could muster.  For his sake I would still be doing that.  He loved her and that made her family for me. I think she did her very best with him through out their relationship and I think he was blessed by their time together.  I wish it could have been lots longer.  He knew she was a stinker (and aren't we all?) and he still loved her.  That makes me very happy for him.  

During the year I learned a lot.  One thing which seems important to me is this ...  long term ...  I think people would be happier in the long run if they worked out their stuff and hung on to their relationships.  It really is all about love ... loving an other before one's self ... behaving in a loving way.  I think he was 20 the first time he married ... I wish, for his sake and for her sake, for the sake of love, that he'd been able to have spent an entire life with the same woman.  In the end, I was the only consistent "person" in his life.  He could have done better for himself.  He regretted not having tried harder for his people.

Another thing on my mind in regards to Tommy is this ... he isn't mad, upset, hurt, frustrated, etc. with anyone any more.  He is without agendas.  I wish (for my sake) that his grave site wasn't junked up with solar powered light up glass birds (which might be perfectly delightful in one's garden [lol that may be bitchy, does that make me a bitch?  pretty funny]), but he doesn't care about that at all.  If anything, he would think 1.) that's sweet 2.) what ever makes her happy 3.) that's funny 4.) these could be easily removed by some naughty someone one (never me ... which is another lesson learned ... the last spouse gets to decide how things go (as it should be) (I'd have trouble subjecting my kids to that ...  not particularly the glass birds looking over the grave, just everything ... potential unkindness.).

“Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. 

You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.” 

~ C. S. Lewis

It was hard for me to go out there and sprinkle the glitter on the dirt of his grave.  It was hard to tap the soil down as I saw him do on our mother grave.  It was hard to confirm (as I feared at the time) that I sat on her grave as the preacher said whatever he was saying about Tommy.  Next time I go out there I'll take some hand tools for breaking up the clods ... for pulling the weeds that seem to take hold even as the grass hesitates.  As we drove on down the road another sun set, glorious as only Texas skies seem to know how to do, and I snapped these pics.  A fleck of glitter which had remained on my hand flashed ... it seemed sorta sweet.

March 18 ... here we are again.  Tommy always calls on March 18.  Not this time though.  Never again.  March 18 is now only mine to do with what I can ... whatever best that may be.  Our older brother died back in '75 on March 18.  His death kicked the air out of our family and I'd say, looking back, some of us never recovered.  There are things which happen in a life which change e v e r y t h i n g.

And the thing is ... it's easy to assume that everything changed for the worse.

I don't think that's true.

Here's what I think - Horrible nonsensical things happen, wonderfully sublime things also happen.  I'd like to get "stuck" on the amazingly cool stuff.

Thumbing through Momma's picture tin I came across these two mug shots.  My brother is sporting a silver cap on one of his top front teeth.  The dental idea was that he would get the cap off when he turned 18 and they would "fix" it.  I don't know the rationale behind the cap. But ... the cap became part of a top secret communication between my brother and I (or me - idk).

Here's the true story.
We spent a lot of time out (running wild) on our own.  (How we survived was an amusing treasure chest of conversations for Tommy and I as we sat in the hospital "surviving" the cancer ordeal, but I digress.) Pete, my older brother who I actually called Petey even after everyone else had to call him Pete, Petey was great.  A truly great big brother.  Anyway ... busted tooth ... we loved to shoot stuff up in to the air.  We were always looking for ways to send stuff aloft (that's why I needed the bow and arrows for Christmas when I was in the fourth grade ... I got quite good at hitting a horizontally located target, but it was really all about shooting straight up.  I don't know why.  I think it must be part of the reason why I needed to fly though.  So ... the busted tooth.  We built a launcher with a board and a fulcrum (yeah, like a teeter totter) and the idea was to stomp on one end to launch a rock from the other side.  It worked pretty good, but not good enough.  The next plan was to leap from the top of the arc from as high up as I could swing - which I did all the time - and land in such a way as to really stomp on the launcher.  It took a few tries and a lot of coaching from Petey.  I remember him saying "Alright, just look at me and jump when I say go."  He was situated just in front of my landing spot.  After several failed attempts I finally landed smack dab on the vaulting point. And the rock flew.  For about two seconds.  Then blood and lots of it.  The rock popped my brother in the mouth, busting his lips and breaking his tooth.  I'd never seen so much blood coming out of someone's face before.  "You're gonna get a spankin' for this."  That was the first thing he said.  And he wasn't crying, I remember that.  He never cried. (Which was a source of pride for him and awe for me.) I don't know what I must have looked like ... sweaty, grimy from the serious playing no doubt, but at the idea of a spanking, probably incredulous since the whole thing was his idea.  "Look, we need a story here ... ". And he went on to contrive some tale of falling out of a tree and coaching me on the lie.  I was a terrible liar ... meaning, I wasn't good at lying, Momma always knew.  "I'm gonna get a spanking for lying."  I probably started to cry (like a little sissy girl, lol).  You know what he did?  He climbed a little ways up a tree with blood pouring down his shirt (seems like it was, maybe not) and jumped down.  "There.  I fell out of a tree."

Years later he might signal me that he had my back by touching his tooth, the silver one, and winking ... or smirking.  Sometimes he might be telling a story and he'd look over at me and say, "It was just like falling out of a tree."  It's good to have brothers. And, honestly, even with them gone the memories are ... precious.

My eldest son is a lot like Petey.  Same naughty twinkle in his eyes.  It's cool how families have such similarities even when the exposure across the generations is lacking.  There is a good deal of comfort there.

The picture of me says it was taken in '65, when I was six and Petey woulda been nine. The tooth incident was around this time.  Had he survived our younger years he would be turning 59 this year.

May you experience each day as a sacred gift woven around the heart of wonder.
~ John O'Donohue

another little project down ...

I've been busy getting the house ready to "show".  That big project is made up of a lot of little projects.  The chair was in the garage.  It was given to one of the kids (years ago) by the high school art teacher.  Before that it might have been in his backyard under a sweet gum tree.  I have never worked on a nastier piece of furniture.  It looks nice now.  And it is clean from the frame out.  It's in V's room, a gift from big sister.  Tomorrow I'll paint her room (She asked for white this time, with a black chalk board wall behind that chair.)

I usually hang a little heart charm inside the stuff I redo.  I think it will make the next person who works on it smile.

 I'm just taking a tiny break before I look at what I'm teaching tonight.  Then back to work on the house, class isn't 'til 6.  These flowers are making me really happy.  So perfect.  That's it.

still "on" hope ...

Hope is a state of mind, not of the world. 

Hope, in this deep and powerful sense, 

is not the same as joy that things are going well, 

or willingness to invest in enterprises that are obviously heading for success, 

but rather an ability to work for something because it is good. 

~ Vaclav Havel

How disappointment tracks the steps of hope. 

~LEL (Letitia Elizabeth Landon)

Jeffrey Ewig

H is suggesting I read about instances of restoration ... and maybe more specifically about hope.  I didn't realize, until we chatted yesterday, that I am still working on "hope".

I think I grasp the idea of "hope of our salvation".  As I examine my ... self ... I can see that I still feel the God is, must be, busy elsewhere.  And ... I am okay with/accept that as  "truth" when in fact, my head believes that is a partial truth.  Not less true, only way too small a view for what the Bible says about God.  The Bible indicates that God is "big" enough to be present in each life which chooses communion/community with Him.

I am reading in Romans 8 ... all of it, but starting around v 18 ... then this:

 ...24 For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? 25 But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience. ...

Future Glory  (around there)

I'm not trying to aggrandize "my pain" elevating it to being about eternal salvation, not at all.  I'm just trying to get a handle on stuff in my own little day to day life.  I think this time that we call "life" is an opportunity to make choices which shape, also inform, us (collectively and individually) about the thing that God call "life".  My eyes cannot see the big picture ... I am limited to a tiny view, barely bigger then a moment.  How I filter or process my experiences isn't as reliable as one would hope (there's that word again).  

I'm out of time for this writing out stuff ... I like the idea of working towards what seems to be "good" and pursuing that work independent of expectation. 

last week after visiting with Two+
(thanks for the big-knitty cap and scarf)

yesterday
cutting out cord for the new project

March.  Already.  It amazes me, looking back from the calm of my home, it's March again ... and I'm beginning to think about Spring Break ... and Spring ... and daffodils.  I dream frequently of my dad and my brothers.  Little snippet dreams without a story to be recalled upon waking.  I dream and remember only their faces and the sound of their voices which ... when I'm awake, straining to recall ... I can't.  But.  I remember how I felt, and that is; comforted.  Comforting.

I mentioned the little dreams to my husband saying it seems weird that Momma hasn't been in my dreams at all.  He joked about it saying "maybe she didn't make the cut" ... referencing all the so many times she informed me that by all appearances I wouldn't be making it to Heaven. He didn't intend the remark unkindly, in fact it's a bit of a quirky homage to Momma.

Well, I hadn't intended to mention the dreams ... they are tiny and would be almost missed by conscious thought if it weren't for the sweetness which lingers.  Maybe memories are stirred by looking through Momma's old pictures ... .

I wasn't thinking of dreams this morning, more in keeping with my morning me ... I was thinking about what I'm going to do today and wondering if I missed my oldest son's birthday last year.  The year is more of a blur then most years and even though many of it's moments were spent in "slo-mo" the year past faster then any I've known previously.  I feel a trepidation which hasn't been part of my way before.  A more cautious approach to life might have served me well.  What fuels caution in a person's life?  

And ... what am I talking about anyway?  (Risk?)

I think I "feel" afraid that bad/sad things will just keep on happening. Like ... an avalanche.  How do people deal with avalanches?  I've never seen one or even spent much time where one might happen.  Don't they just begin suddenly ... and end just so?  And ... after one has seen that  unstoppable, (unseen?) force ... does one become ... wary?  mindful? scairt?  Yeah, I know it's spelled incorrectly, even phonetically incorrect, it's spelled like a whispered question in the dark ... you scairt?  I see it now as I type.  That makes sense ... my guys made me feel safe ... any/all three of them.  (Exactly the way Tommy said it when he asked his oncologist ... "you scairt yet doc?"  Doctor, laughed slightly and said no ... but I could see he was.)

trepidation - a feeling of fear that causes you to hesitate because you think something bad or unpleasant is going to happen

caution - : care taken to avoid danger or risk : a careful attitude or way of behaving

Hmmm.  I don't feel a need to be extremely cautious with my "earth suit", in fact, I think an adrenaline rush might be just what I need to set myself back to straight.  I think it's my heart that's weary/wary.  There's gotta be a word that combines "wary because of weary".

I finished my two chairs. I really liked rebuilding them from the frame out ... 

Today I'll "make" seat pillows for both.  Hard to describe, I made a pattern out of newspaper yesterday - it's just going to be a fitted flat cushion.  Also - pulled Ava's new chair down to the frame and I'm starting  to reupholster it today.  It's a huge over stuffed modern casual looking thing, different from what I usually chose to do ... it's like a couch almost.  So ... I think I'll find a TEDtalk or some documentary on avalanches and ... get going on it.

Avalanche 101 by National Geographic

Risk: The Anatomy of Chance and Uncertainty: Grant Statham at TEDxCanmore

paper: Avalanche/ Statham

This is my command--be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the LORD your God is with you wherever you go." ~ Joshua 1:9 NIV

behind all this ...

 "Those who are willing to be vulnerable move among mysteries." 

~ Theodore Roethke 

"Let the beauty we love be what we do. 

There are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground." 

~ Rumi

"Behind all this, some great happiness is hiding." 

~ Yehuda Amichai

(pictures of Atlanta skyline taken while on interstate and filtered through waterlogue app)

beacon

This is a beacon tower, not the usual view, but an interesting one I think. I snapped it while standing, maybe when the ground is warm I'll see about laying down for a slightly different framing. This is a full color (no filter) photograph ... we are like 500 OVC ... socked-in, soup bowl brimming over, visibility about 25' straight ahead. I am teaching weather in ground school right now, lacing it with performance info about their plane in hopes that they'll connect the dots.  This may be the last time I teach a full class room of 20 somethings ... .

I did "make" life slow down a bit by cutting back on my job.  The best boss in the world said I could work only when I want to ... I said I'd like to work for commission only, he countered with the idea of what ever he is paying me per hour now plus that commission ... we will see, I'm not crazy about keeping up with my hours, plus with sales, it's really hard to tell when I'm "working/not working".  I sat with a customer yesterday for an hour and a half when the meeting really might have been concluded (successfully) within 20 minutes.  She had a port installed on Monday and her first infusion yesterday.  She went in at 8 believing she'd be done by 9 - no big deal, and was a bit overwhelmed by the process.  I guess it all got really real as she sat there with a room full of not quite-well-strangers.  Cancer ... sucks.  Cancer ... tries to suck every strength out of you.  (Enough of that, I'm getting a bit wound up here ... ).  So ... she is S1 and I believe her prognosis is excellent ... but she still needed an apparently-well stranger to help her process it.  I noticed that she is like me with so many of her basic ways of addressing life ... pragmatic, capable ... strong (... surprising comfortable with stranger/friends knowing her private emotional business, we don't want to trouble our "people" with our pains ... how bizarre is that?).  She said a lot of people depend on her (small business owner, only daughter of an aging parent).  She was pulling herself together as she said, "Just every once in a while I wish someone would "baby-me" ... amen sister ... I get it.  I told her that I think she will have to let her people know that she needs them to step up to the plate for her on this part of the journey.  Some times is hard to start a sentence with "I need" when you are very comfortable with "what can I do for you?"  Some people like not needing ... and we tend to either attract people who like us not needing or maybe we help mold our relationships towards that, probably both, idk.  I also suggested that she think of some way to "buy" a bit of pampering (like a pedicure ... she doesn't know that this will probably dry her skin out yet).  As I type this morning I recall what seemed very bizarre when I first heard of it ... which is, someone has a business of selling "hugs".  Just hugs.  Well, maybe it's more like "holding" ... hugs and holding with out expectations ... physical touch without sexual nuance ... I get it now, it might even feel like someone is catching you as you fall.  So ... I stayed with her for probably a couple of hours.  I don't think that could possibly be called "working".  The best boss in the world said if I change my mind in a month or two and want to work more just let him know ... in the meanwhile I am surprised by how busy just wrapping up what I had going at work is keeping me.  I am hoping for a few truly outstanding commission checks from what I have going.  I think I'm a person who prefers working for straight commission because the time  I want to waste on not working isn't be paid for as if it were working.

We are seriously (maybe, it seems so this time) preparing to move back to Texas.  I feel surprisingly ambivalent about that.  I am a Texan ... and it's pretty apparent when we go back that stuff ... little stuff like how the roads work ... stuff makes sense to me in Texas.  The unrest that our country is experiencing "feels" less crazy to me in Texas.  I don't know why.  It may be about the sort of men who wear boots ... I really don't know what it is, just that it is in fact a "safer", better feeling place.  Austin is weird.  Texas politics is ... weird is a nice word for it.  Maybe it's just that Texans tend to be practical people.  And friendly in a mind their own business sort of way.  Anyway ... we continue to look both North and South of the State capital.  I don't like heading back after all my home-folk are dead.  I don't like that not one of my children live there.  I do like that breathing is easier there ... and there are plenty of places that know how to cook brisket ... and the tortillas and tamales are real.  Everything tastes better in Texas.  That is a truth.  (Well ... not the local wine ... it may taste better in Texas then the same bottle tastes over here but ... I'm just trying not to stretch the truth.)

So ... I am back to finishing up a few little projects around the house before we put it on the market.  I think Sammy will love Texas ... and when he starts barking in the middle of the night I'll know it's just those pesky deer again.

couple of Pablo Neruda quote

"laughter is the language of the soul"

 maybe laughter is the native tongue of the soul ... life certainly teaches us other languages

maybe love, this type of love, is the universal language of the soul

(not sure about that, but it would be nice if it were so)

Old pictures of my people

Back of this photo says '71 and I know we were at the beach (SPI)
my mom's family was enjoying a huge reunion, thus the name tags -
I think it's funny that my older brother selected not to wear the tag...
and ... note the fashion sensibility of my younger brother, très J.Lauren (lol)
he way I'm holding my hand with the bent wrist - still do - all the time,
and I think it looks awkward (and very me).

At Daddy's parent's home for a Christmas get together.
That's Daddy's twin photo bombing -
he did overseas oil exploration  and was home only on occasion.
(and was great at pulling off elaborate pranks,
which was only one reason why I adored him.)
I am wearing a nightgown over my clothes in this pic
Grandmomma made matching nightgowns for all of my girl cousins
and we stayed for a sleep over.
I don't know when this was taken, shortly before the other I'd guess judging by our heights.
Daddy was 6'2 and Momma was 5'6 (always wore heels and big hair).
Tommy has the super flexed wrist here ...
also you may note,
my dad didn't wear a wedding band,
always a watch (face inside which I've never noticed anyone else do) but never a ring.