"Width of life is more important than length of life." ~ Avicenna
The New Year found me looking for a "job". And ... I have an interview coming up. First a haircut, then an interview ... I am shining up my boots. One of the things I've found early in this quest: there is a lot of competition for the jobs that are available. One of my concerns with my last job as I thought about the best way I could handle, ummm, conflict resolution, was about who really needed the job the most. When you are in a situation where you actually can make ends meet, working for pay (rather then volunteering, or pursuing one's own interests) becomes about other things. I've spent a pretty good amount of time thinking about those "other things". I think it is harder for me to not "work" then it is for me to "work". I think working, outside our home< will be what is now best for our family. At the same time, I really don't want to take a paying job away from someone who needs it (for whatever the reasons) worse then I do. I am surprised that there are not enough jobs to go around for honest people who want to work.
I sense change coming. It ... disquiets me. I feel myself watchful.
During this time I think of the job, the specific flight instructing job, that I thought I was preparing for, and I reflect on "what happened" and ... I still can't put a satisfying answer together. The pay ... sucks, and, I am not a huge fan of the twenty-somethings in general. They seem ... young, terminally young. I console myself thus. Console is too strong a word. I really don't think about it much at all ... I would have enjoyed teaching people how to fly well, but I am okay with not teaching too. I have seen a really "sketchy" underbelly to flight instruction where basically money changes hands but little value is added to a person's life. The process of earning the certificates was extremely significant in my "real" life. It built me. I don't want to use those skills, the colorary benefits of those life experiences, to extract cash from someone gullible enough to ... hmmm, drink the kool-aid. I am not optimistic about the future of air travel as we know it ... . A lot of people, more savvy then I, believe we will go to pilot-less "flight decks" ... and those planes are coming off the drawing boards if not the robotic assembly lines. Freight being transported sure won't voice a concern about "Hey, Where's the Captain?"it'll be a great venue for the trials of automated flight or whatever we are going to refer to it as. There will probably always be some form of "pleasure" flying, but that begins with a different type of student I have found ... . Maybe, oh definitely, I am just getting old ... definitely also those jobs are not what they once were (even then, they weren't "all that"). Lotsa shiny faces dreaming up yonder dreams. Last night a very well packaged young person told me that until recently they had been dreaming of becoming an astronaut, now they'd just be happy flying Fs (I didn't mention that fighter pilot is a bit more involved then just flying super cool airplanes ... dreams are important). Now that we have proven that anyone can be President, maybe we can get back to exploring space ( sigh ).
Uh ... wrong track DeAnnie ... a little re-boot may be in order! The job ... not appropriate blog material, but the thing I especially like about it is they say every single time you do that work you know you have made a difference, a positive difference in some one's real life. I think I may be better suited for real life then dream-chasing (as lovely as it is).
An old F4 guy "helped" me through the CFI cert process. Warriors. Fs are flown by warriors ... arsenal delivery would take the shine right off of it for me. I am grateful that there are those guys, just sorry that we continue to need them to do that job. My buddy was one of the few in his batch fortunate enough to come home.
I just want to be honorable as I make choices. Change is blowing around. I like that I am still enough just want to do what's right ... whatever that is. So ... haircut first ... .
big fan ... sometimes it's just as simple as that.
So ... today has turned in to bedtime and I rarely write at night (btw ... Moon/Jupiter thing pretty cool). But tonight I will.
Some serendipitous chain of events took me back to see ... just a picture that I knew I had posted on my blog. Well ... I was reading something ... some words and I felt a tear slid down my cheek and it surprised me. Where did this tear begin and why does it move along my cheek and drop to my chest as an announcement ... hey, you ... you are fully feeling something.
Yet if dreams hold an answer, as flowers clasp fog,
they must answer with breath, and, if they answer,
must move among stars, and have their own songs
of the body and blood, and must sing them.... (VANDERLEUN)
And it started before those words, before even the first phrase ... of warp without weft ... pattern that is only interval ... song that is shaped by the silence of "rest" ... and in that rest, a dream ... ahh so real surreal the tension of where "this" alerts one to "missing that", the tear plunked down wet (and rippled) ... hmmm, 50 years later? I looked back to find a picture of little me (the version without the scarred knees and ... scarred soul ... sweet little knees blissfully unaware of how hard a fall) riding high on the shoulders of ... one of my giants and found ... this:
He who sacrifices thank offerings honors me,
and he prepares the way so that I may show
him the salvation of God. ~ Psalm 50:23
and I wondered exactly what do we think SALVATION means?
sal·va·tion
/salˈvāSHən/
Noun
Deliverance from sin and its consequences.
Preservation or deliverance from harm, ruin, or loss.
I don't think many of the preachers I've heard would agree that salvation delivers one from the consequences of their actions ... while they are still alive at least. My husband answers my question thus "It is reconciliation with God", a clearer definition I think ... the relationship was breached, salvation is a bridge, built, I would say by Christ's actions and provides an opportunity for the choice of redemption ... an escape from eternal separation from GOD. So ... deliverance from "sin" (acts which separate us from God) and it's consequences (eternal separation ... irrevocable separation). Preservation or deliverance from harm ... ruin ... loss. Hmmm. On a grand scale ...yes, I see it. Down here on the ground ... ? The salvation of God.
He who sacrifices thank offerings honors me,
and he prepares the way so that I may show
him the salvation of God. ~ Psalm 50:23
I think salvation may also be about a change of perspective, a change of heart which tweaks how one "sees" things.
My husband says this verse is all about something specific "a thank offering" ... an Old Testament thing and maybe that is entirely correct. I do not know. But I'm thinking about it. I do know when I am thankful something about my attitude changes ... and sometimes a thankful attitude involves a sacrifice. I don't want to cherry pick the scriptures out of context ... .
And ... not only the definition, but the ... grace of it ... the cost of it ... just thinking it is a bigger word then "an event".
... if sin is separation from God, salvation must be the avenue of reconciliation ... and it seems to me that salvation is an event and a process ... as in preservation, deliverance from harm, ruin or loss.
Physicists say we are made of stardust. Intergalactic debris and far-flung atoms, shards of carbon nanomatter rounded up by gravity to circle the sun. As atoms pass through an eternal revolving door of possible form, energy and mass dance in fluid relationship. We are man, we are thought, we are story.
Today there is no time to sit and journal ... I do feel like writing today, but I have "wasted" the morning by sleeping in ... and to note ... have enjoyed not one, but two cups of delicious coffee right here in the quiet of my room. Mentioned to husband last night that I would like to take this opportunity (a holiday) to "sleep in" ... sometime around eight I roused to find him already (quietly) on his way. I flipped my pillow to the cool side with a smile and woke up late to the faint ping of mail arriving via the phone on my bedside table. And on to luxuriating in an extended coffee time ... to re-read yet again ... steeping in the process and making a path (for today) through the other things ... like the towels I fold while thoughts and prayers unfold.
There is plenty to do today ... Monday usually finds our home a bit messier then I can tolerate ... Sunday is still by design and expects a busy Monday. I actually look forward to setting things right, and today is no exception even though my kids are home from classes and we may goof off some.
I am thinking about the things I have on my plate that I don't want to do. I am trying to understand if those things are worth the time I would have to put to them. I am trying to understand why I am not excited about the opportunity to do them. I did stop volunteering to teach English to the Korean ladies though I admire them and enjoyed that time with them. I think there is something else that I'm supposed to be doing right now. I want to waste my time well ... !
And ... I'm trying to figure out why a poem I read keeps on swirling around in my head stirring at emotions that mere words shouldn't be able to evoke. I'm not that emotional. Well, I am ... but I'm not. I carefully care and not care. Precisely folded linens help with the balance of that ... a Monday morning thing ... it is okay with me for the dryer to work on Sunday.
So ... today. And maybe I will have time to journal some later in the day or at least later in the week.
btw ..."staying" in "today" does seem to be a worthy bit self-discipline.
Like everyone else, I am becoming more aware of the proportions of this. I have known it was happening in other countries, until last night when I attended an educational talk on this topic, I had no idea it was so widespread in our country.
What drives this? Obviously part of it is economics ... money. I was very surprised to hear how much money one person can be expected to "produce" in a year ... it's in the video. If it were possible to follow the greed/need backwards what would we see? This video is about the supply side ... what is ... whose face is on the demand side? ... And what faces them? Why is there such a huge market for this?
This is essentially ... taking, stealing, something from someone ... to satisfy something insatiable.
This is a major issue. I have wondered previously how the energy expelled on the issue of slavery in America's history could be redirected to addressing this current moral challenge. I am wondering what I can do. The speakers said this is so dark and so immense that it tends to swamp a person ... I can see that.
Thursday, January 17, 2013
carrots abundance, clarity
chocolate (white) love, celebration, sensuality
vinegar (balsamic) making the best out of a bad situation
sugar (brown) denying self pleasures ... fretting too much
chives harmony and balance symbolic of you getting along well with others
This is here ... not as a recipe, but as a reminder of a weird little dream. In my kitchen, on the countertop where I stand to work ... contained by one of my favorite glass platters was this: Carefully sliced carrots, root vegetables, mature, clean, healthful from the ground (from the ground). On the glass I could see a light pooling of the vinaigrette ... and tiny flecks of brown sugar yet to dissolve. White chocolate was drizzled on top ... it didn't seem strange in the dream to have a beautiful serving of vegetables festooned in chocolate (as a matter of fact, I think I will re-create exactly this and taste it). It was garnished with an abundance of chives.
I have in my little kitchen, all the ingredients ...
Using data from the Sloan Digital Sky Survey, an international team of researchers has discovered a record-breaking cluster of quasars—young active galaxies—stretching four billion light-years across.
"This discovery was very much a surprise, since it does break the cosmological record as the largest structure in the known universe," said study leader Roger Clowes, an astronomer at University of Central Lancashire in England.
For comparison, our own galaxy, the Milky Way, is just a hundred thousand light-years across, while the local supercluster of galaxies in which it's located, the Virgo Cluster, is only a hundred million light-years wide. ~National Geographic
Winners of the international contest were announced Tuesday. This shot—taken by Jennifer Peters and Michael Taylor of St. Jude Children's Research Hospitaland magnified 20 times—took first prize. It's believed to be the first image ever to show the formation of the blood-brain barrier in a live animal.
The barrier is a protective system of cells that filter the blood that flows to the brain. It allows nutrients and other necessities to pass but keeps out bacteria and other pollutants.
To create this shot, Peters and Taylor injected fluorescent proteins into a transparent zebrafish embryo. That let them see the brain's endothelial cells—which line the inner surface of blood and lymphatic vessels—and watch the development of a blood-brain barrier in real-time.
Their three-dimensional image was made with a confocal microscope, which colors blood vessels differently at different depths. (Confocal lenses capture light from a single plane of focus, rather than all available light.) Peters and Taylor stacked their colored images and compressed them into a single shot to show the complexity of the phenomenon they witnessed. ~National Geographic
Zebrafish, I see are widely used as lab specimens. Not what I'm thinking about today, but it is interesting to me that "science" refers to them as "live animals" even in their embryonic form. It seems so obvious to me that life begins at the point of conception, but this is an on going discussion in my closest circles. I love that the Korean people count birthdays differently then Westerners ... they count the time in the womb room and ... I think it is a perspective that honors life.
As I read and think about Iian McGilchrist's work I can't help but recall how we've struck stone with our findings, on most every topic under the sun, only to re-figure those "facts". The left brain/right brain stuff is so firmly planted that perceiving it differently then how we have most recently been instructed feels a bit like like the spin cycle in the brain washing process. Not to say I don't "believe" the newest findings ... only that I've noticed that we, myself included, tend towards figuring things out wrong ... maybe even all wrong. My husband has been working on "friction" stuff for almost as long as I've known him. While just listening to him talk about the information that is "out there" I see how difficult it is for "us" to re-trench on any of our deeply embedded perceptions ... the language for re-thinking binds us to erroneous thought. Well ... here's a quick peek at what McGilchrist has recently been up to.
In this new RSAnimate, renowned psychiatrist and writer Iain McGilchrist explains how our 'divided brain' has profoundly altered human behaviour, culture and society. Taken from a lecture given by Iain McGilchrist as part of the RSA's free public events programme.
To view the full lecture, go to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SbUHxC4wiWk
I have been interested in how our brains work for as long as I've known about brains ... and ... I am even more interested in how our thought processes affect the eternal structure of us ... what does the physical brain have to do with the soul? That.
The fully grown zebrafish is, I guess, is less then half the size of my little finger ... hard to imagine how tiny even a single cell of this embryonic brain would be. Probably a lot bigger and even more significant then my brain, full of half a century+ of etchings, would appear when set within the context of what we think (today) is the largest "object".
It's super cool that we think. It's super cool that we keep on trying. I have loved observing especially my children figuring things out, experimenting, pushing boundaries ... exploring.
I'm thinking about the people I know best. I'm thinking about the "spot" I'm in ... like the zebrafish in his little aquarium (not that one with the fluorescent protein injections, just a plain ole little fish) with his other zebrafish buddies.
When I was a little girl my mom had a terrarium full of small plants ... it was something like the water jug on an old water cooler. I watched her set it up with the right dirt ... pebbles ... maybe charcoal, then carefully roll up the plant leaves working them through the top of the bottle and securing their roots in the soil. She watered them with a mister. It was one of her favorite things. My brother told me that we were in a bottle, a really big bottle, just like like that, sitting on God's desk ... and not only that but, but proof of that could be seen because the opening at the top of our world's bottle was the moon (or the sun ... same thing to little girl me ... a round light in the sky). I remember thinking about it ... and solemnly promising myself that I would immediately stop dropping marbles in to my mom's bottle. I looked out and saw a quarter moon. Nuh-uh, look, that's not a circle (and therefore obviously not a hole in a bottle). My big brother said God was just sliding the lid partly closed for some reason ... . It made perfect sense! My brother said when he grew up he was going to build a ladder tall enough to reach the top of the bottle.
I guess he did.
And ... I guess that is exactly what a lot of folks are doing ... just trying to connect the pieces. I particularly like the path McGilchrist is on. It makes perfect sense that we have well integrated spheres, I see things much more clearly with both eyes. Flying an airplane well insisted that both hands participate equally well ... the feet are expected to cooperate too. We look at the pieces, put them back together, because they are not separate ... "logic + creativity, think + feel, collaborative effort ... we move about in our perceptions like a fish in a bowl just trying our best.
Well ... I have housework to do today and looking forward to a little road trip this evening.
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Fractured Ice on a Mountain Pond Alaskan Range near Cantwell ~ Tim Grams
Cool ... I've never seen a frozen pond, but this photo reminds me of contrails left in the flight levels. I want to see this ... in Alaska.
For the past several days I've been trying to think about the idea of ... we "do" "life" with a relatively small number of people ... the people who are most present in our lives (whether actually physically or even just in our thoughts as in someone absent yet present ... an influence, yeah, I think that makes sense) ... the people who are "part" of our lives are relatively few in number. So ... I wonder if it is possible to analyze "why" those people. If one may "drop" in to life as we seem to do at birth "packaged" any sort of way (like I am a woman ... and however else I might be described all the way down to tiny details) ... here (where ever that might be), when ... all that. Why here, why now, why these? I believe in "eternity" ... I think it goes as far back as forward as up as down. What's to be noticed here? One insignificantly tiny speck of dust floating at this point on the time space continuum ... do I get it?
In rejecting religious manipulation of God for “religionless Christianity” Bonhoeffer, like Moses, Luther and C. S. Lewis, saw God as like the sun, too blindingly transcendent to be seen directly. But God is indirectly omnipresent in everyday events, behind the masks of his human images. This opened Bonhoeffer to a polyphonic, multi-voiced, and multi-dimensional faith, as this letter to a distressed Bethge on May 20 1944 reveals.
“There is always a danger of intense love destroying what I might call the ‘polyphony’ of life … God requires that we should love him eternally with our whole hearts, yet not so as to compromise or diminish our earthly affections, but as a kind of cantus firmus [pre-existing tune] to which the other melodies of life provide a counterpoint. Earthly affection is one of these counterpoints or themes … Even the Bible can find room for the Song of Songs, and one could hardly have a more passionate and sensual love … Where the ground bass is firm and clear, there is nothing to stop the counterpoint from being developed to the utmost of its limits. Both ground bass and counterpoint are ‘without confusion and yet distinct’.”
“In the words of the Chalcedon formula, like Christ in his divine and human natures. … Perhaps … polyphony in music is a musical reflection of this Christological truth, and … therefore an essential element in the Christian life … Only a polyphony of this kind can give life a wholeness, and at the same time assure us that nothing [calamitous] can go wrong so long as the cantus firmus is kept going… Perhaps … the separation which lies ahead will be easier for you to bear [with this in mind].”
Bonhoeffer, a concert level pianist, extends the musical analogy to Christ’s two natures, divine and human, which join without confusing or destroying divine and human love. The intimacy of the Incarnation links divine and human life and love through the membrane of Christ’s manhood. The natural sphere of human love is not annihilated by heavenly, ultimate, “supernatural” divine love, but nature is preserved and perfected by grace. As Bonhoeffer’s mentor Karl Barth said, “God doesn’t have to make humanity small to make himself big”. God is not a distant divinity or generic “God-ness”, nor is humanity an abstract rationality, but both are found in the particular divine human person of Jesus Christ, the very definition of divine and natural life and love.
That chair ... sanded all the way down, I have decided on a tung oil finish under a hand rubbed satin poly. That is what I did with the dining room table, and it has held up extremely well. This chair ... has a heart. I was already leaning towards keeping the chair, then my husband spent time constructing a lovely little connecting block out of some of the lumber from our trees. I bought this chair specifically to sell it. Now ... I going to keep it. Maybe later today I can go fabric shopping. 75F today ... winter may be over.
This little guy hangs out under the bird feeder. He seems to be able to doze with his eyes open. Cute.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
“The most important human endeavor is striving for morality in our actions. Our inner balance and even our very existence depend on it. Only morality in our actions can give beauty and dignity to our lives.” Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
“Physical bravery is an animal instinct; moral bravery is much higher and truer courage.” Wendell Phillips (1811-1884) Slavery Abolitionist
free fall ( ... for fun)
mo·ral·i·ty
/məˈralətē/
Noun
Principles concerning the distinction between right and wrong or good and bad behavior.
Behavior as it is affected by the observation of these principles.
Synonyms
moral - morals - ethics - virtue
Monday, January 7, 2013
I can begin sanding in earnest tomorrow ... it still needs a couple of joints glued and a triangle brace is missing in the seat. Last "upholster-er" used cardboard in the back, kinda wierd surprise ... and the seat was covered really strange. I feel fortunate to get to do this chair ... lotsa little choices to make. Sanding first.
Resting ~CoryVarcoe
The photo is titled ... Resting ... hmmm.
What I see is a the decaying structure of a little boat, moored ... forgotten? forsaken? in the middle of lifeless grey nowhere ... with a four stroke outboard's tiller extension reaching for the light . It's weird. In just a minute the engine will slide almost soundlessly under the surface, air bubbles, one big surrounded by smaller ones will signal the shrugging of the shroud as it settles into complete decline ... fuel and oil may filter up iridescent, I think it's sort of pretty, but it is really just gunk ... gunk floating on the surface hinting at what might have been. And ... how far out will the ripple rings radiate before they are no more? Eventually the boat will rest its way ... away, apart ... one weary bit at a time. I think it is a wooden vessel. I think the top most pieces, already falling apart, will drop off. As dead as the water seems to be there in the lifeless grey nowhere I think the bits of boat will just stay right about there, with very little floating away ... a reminder of something that came from somewhere else, a conveyance ... completely worn out. The story of a boat is about who steps in ... and the journey.
Resting.
Today is the first day in a couple of weeks that the house has been early morning quiet.
I think I am a bit like this boat ... a simple little thing ... just slightly overpowered for the tasks close at hand I feel the engine gently rocking loose ... maybe there are paddles ... paddles for later. The boat seems to be securely tied to ... what and why I can not tell. I think ... the boat looks abandoned but maybe the someone is sunning, or snoozing ... resting in the hull. Hull...
The main body of a ship or other vessel, including the bottom, sides, and deck but not the masts, superstructure, rigging, engines, and...
The outer covering of a fruit or seed, esp. the pod of peas and beans, or the husk of grain
Not much of a boat left there ...
My daughter doesn't think that's a very good picture of me that I selected to post the other day ... I actually took it down then decided to re-post it. Yes, I do see what she sees. Well ... maybe I don't see what she sees, but I do see that I look ... tired and that my smile is forced. That happens a lot in the pictures I see of myself. I see myself choosing to smile.
I'm trying to decide what is best for me to do. Today ... I could and should, probably will spend the day cleaning up all the messes left. It's not that I don't get any help around here, someone folded a load of towels last night and I notice they are exactly how I like them done (hotel style) ... they are stacked on back of one of the couches ... I probably know who did that (diet coke bottle near by).
Pastor drew on this quote yesterday; "Worship is the submission of all of our nature to God. It is the quickening of conscience by His holiness, nourishment of mind by His truth, purifying of imagination by His beauty, opening of the heart to His love, and submission of will to His purpose. All this gathered up in adoration is the greatest of all expressions of which we are capable." --William Temple
He refered also to Alistair Begg I'm going to listen to his sermons ... I've heard one - interesting how he puts it together ... and his scottish accent is easy on my ears. I'm listening to his talk entitledNow We Really Live (Belief and Behavior).
“You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness.” ~Jonathan Safran Foer “It's so hard to forget pain, but it's even harder to remember sweetness. We have no scar to show for happiness. We learn so little from peace.” ~ Chuck Palahniuk
“People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway. If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway. If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway. The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway. For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.”
and earlier today ... found a chair to fix and sell
it's rickedy but fixable ... and I like it.
First I'll strip the fabric off and rejoin all the connections
(Dowels for the most part ... glue and clamp)
Then sand and maybe stain ... idk yet ... those dark feet are stained, they mess with the scale for me.
Fabric will be fun to shop for for this chair ... the seat cushion is loose ... I really like the possibilities here ... it could go so many different ways.
There is something very special in the work of this artist ... I feel. This ... I love this piece.
Today I read a note which expressed the notion that one should not "chase" others, that the people who most belong in your life will find you and stay. It does recall the choice to care and not to care.
I think my rose vine is putting out it's first few tentative shoots ... pink buds beginning to course under what is still a very grey winter ... this morning the dogwood hosted a singing splotch of red ... a lone cardinal.
Poached egg and spinach ... this was the second breakfast of four I prepared today. I'm trying to figure out how to host several different age groups and sensibilities ... feels sorta like a diner around here (and the tips are non existent!) Everyone leaves tomorrow ... early trip over to ATL.
“When love beckons to you follow him, Though his ways are hard and steep. And when his wings enfold you yield to him, Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you. And when he speaks to you believe in him, Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden. For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning. Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun, So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth......
But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure, Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor, Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears. Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed; For love is sufficient unto love. And think not you can direct the course of love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course. Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself."
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires: To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night. To know the pain of too much tenderness. To be wounded by your own understanding of love; And to bleed willingly and joyfully.” art piece found on line ... I am looking for the source and will credit as soon as I know. My brother said he will help me re-create something like this ... it recalls that Willow Woman piece.
