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B, Tommy and me ~ Oct.'14

"Congratulations, you did it! You successfully navigated the FAA online world to renew your Flight Instructor Certificate. Our ACR has reviewed your application and found everything correct. Just a few more steps and you will be done with your renewal." ~ FIRC guys

Funny comment from FIRC guys ...  i wonder why things can't be easier ... I feel as though a little "easier" would be greatly appreciated about now!  Ummm ... FAA doesn't play well, doesn't play at all, with the Mac Operating systems.  I use only  Apple.  Those stinkers!  
Lately ... I feel exhausted.  Like tireder then ever, like borderline "give-up" tired.  It feels strange.  I can't remember feeling this tired ever before.

Waa-waa.  I don't like whining very much at all!  Anyway ... FIRC complete and husband is helping immensely by providing "what ever" that other operating system is.  I think I have completed all the requirements for the "fresh' certificate.  And ... I'm invited to fly a charter next week which I am considering.  My new job is a thirty hour a week commitment, but ... that's minimum and I've never been a minimum effort type person.  It's a quandary. 

Today's highlight ... 

"In a great green room there was a telephone and a red balloon." 

~ Margaret Wise Brown

quote revisited over on Mr. Van der Leun's page and I loved seeing it.  And I loved seeing it because it reminded me of how much I enjoyed reading GOODNIGHT MOON to each of my five children ... and in thinking of that I felt joy.  

Joy ... is good.   Mostly, I just feel tired though.

bright early Fall morning

Who will tell whether one happy moment of love 

or the joy of breathing or walking on a bright morning and smelling the fresh air, 

is not worth all the suffering and effort which life implies. 

~ Erich Fromm

noted Saturday ... back home now

This week has come almost to it's end, we travel back to my normal life tomorrow.  It's interesting to "work" with all that comes with loving, tending (careful not to over tend) the people in your life, your very people, when they are sick.  I guess it's right to say that's what I've been doing this year.

With my brother, to respect his privacy, I don't write much about him.  And, in (not) doing so, I've become quiet about where my thoughts go because a lot of what I am sensitive to of late is so because of his illness ... is cancer an illness?  Illness sounds almost too benign.  When someone you love is desperately ill everything is filtered differently.  I think my "job' is to make what I can, as pleasant as possible for him.  I hope he lives for many years to come and because he is him and God is God he may.  That's part of what you learn.  You learn that you just don't know.  You learn that you can't see very far.  You learn that life is lived in this moment and that moments are meaningful and might therefore be savored.  It seems that I am learning that.  I notice a new found inclination to try to relax just a bit more then I thought I wanted to and to let things happen, because things do happen no matter what strengths (and weaknesses perhaps perceived to be strenghts) one might bring to bear.  To bare ... one must adapt. 

Sometimes I ... well, I love really good chocolate ... sometimes I open a bar and I just scarf it down too fast, much too fast.  I don't taste it as I might.  Other times, I go slow, like it may last for several days.  That's one of the important things I've been learning with everything that is me ... I want to run ahead. I somehow glorify the tendency to race through, to take the initiative.
I value that and of course it is a strong, valuable trait to an extent, but like racing through a chocolate bar, it may be just silly if not worse.  I am trying to really enjoy things and to do so takes attention. In life ... I want to allow time for "wooing".  I want to relax and see how it goes with less of my input. I want to give things time to develop and I want to take time to enjoy the process of life rather then devouring it without honoring it to the extent of my capabilities.

My mother-in-law is really old.  For now she is reasonably healthy, that can change on a dime (as can everything - really).  I am looking at how she spends what most certainly will be her last few months(?).  We really should have arranged our lives to accommodate her old age.  We are honoring what she set up ... she is well tended in a very nice facility. Having spent the day with her I note that the situation must be excruciatingly lonely.  I asked her, "Now that you are old with time to look back, what is most important?"  She said. "Church and family."  Maybe she means relationship with God, I don't know.  I do know what family is.  And ... I wish it was within my means to provide her with a better "family" experience.  As a mom I know very well the love, time, energy, attention ... the many sacrifices one gladly pours in to "family" ... it is shocking to me to see her, happy as she may be because she can't remember well, alone, without family.  She spends several thousand dollars a month for the privilege of "not being a burden" and quite frankly I think that's bizarre.  I am so very grateful for the time I was able to spend with my crazy mother during the last few weeks of her life. It wasn't a gift to her, it was a gift to me.  

Kolaches in West Texas

Dallas ... We enjoyed a dinner up in the tower
back when we lived in this area in the 80's.

Where Pecan Lodge used to be

Building One ... smelled great!

Dallas

Thought to add these pictures of what we've been seeing lately.  Not much going on today - we are visiting with my mother-in-law who lives on the departure path for DFW.  I like the big planes.  We are doing a very intense session of sitting around.  I'm not sure how she feels about the company.

 It's just great being here in Texas!  When I'm not here I think I must be just sorta imagining how comfortable it seems to be around Texans.  People are just nice over here.  Or maybe my kind of grouchy.

We have spent a good amount of time these past few days in the Georgetown area. These bats are South of there in Round Rock.  They launch, swarm out, from the bridge at about 7:15 and are incredible! It's not that I particularly like bats, it's the spectacular nature of seeing these (little monster) things take flight, swirling ribbon like, millions maneuvering with the ease of a single mind.  I like seeing them.

Next ... 

Mexican Martini:

3 ounces añejo tequila

1 1/2 ounces Cointreau

1 1/2 ounces Nellie and Joe's Key lime juice

1 ounce olive brine

1 ounce orange juice

salt rim - olive and lime slice to garnish

We've added two more Texas Top 50 BBQ places to our list, Black's (yummy) and Fargo's (hmmm, pretty good).  Those pics are over on the BBQ post.

welcome to Texas

Sunset between Bryan and Austin

Palmetto State Park

Scenic view from Palmetto State Park road
there's a herd of black cattle 

Finishing the FIRC

Glitter on the floor
because the lady in the next chair "graduated'!
so sweet

Over one million bats launch from South Congress Bridge in Austin, Texas

bats at dusk in Austin area

Two more BBQ places to check off ... one in Bryan, the other in Lockhart.  Busy finishing up the FIRC ... the IFR portion is requiring extra attention.  I thought I could knock it out last night but I'm only on page 13 of 19 before the quiz, can't let it ruin my perfect score!

Spent yesterday with Tommy and his sweetheart.  Plans to go to church with them and hang out after.

this seemed like the day ...

The front door has been black ... as the shutters are, also black.  Today seemed like the day to paint the front door turquoise.  This week I'll get around to painting the door frame an off white color to match the window frames.  I liked it black but I am relieved to see it not black now.  It seems ... more inviting somehow.

Talked with my brother while I painted.  He said, "Not to alarm you, but I'm not feeling so hot these past several days." If wishes could make things different, I'd spend everyone of mine on him feeling better.  Today we talked about just getting through this time.  We talked a little bit about how life has prepared us to face the challenges we face.  And we talked about faith.  He said he has confidence in the goodness of God.  He believes that God knows what He is doing.  I do too.

I get to go over to visit pretty soon.

I don't have a lot of energy for writing lately.  It seems like everything is an effort.  I'm re-reading Screwtape Letters, and I think maybe I'll use a study guide this time through, and maybe make some notes here.  It is an interesting book.  
Also happened into a copy of C.S. Lewis' REFLECTIONS ON THE PSALMS.  Haven't gotten very far along in it yet, but I'm going to be glad to have time with it.  Maybe I'll make notes on it as well.
It's ... I'm exhausted.  I keep my game face on almost all the time, but there is a pervasive dullness that seems to wrap around me.  It feels like an octopus attack might. It feels like something with many arms, wrapping, enveloping, choking.  I feel pain almost unrelentingly ... all the bones in my face hurt ... and I hear a buzzing, or humming, in my head which feels like an empty room.  I am sad.  Sad actually hurts physically.  At the same time I feel God near.  And there is a sweetness to that ... it feels  like when I was tiny and my dad came home from work ... and I knew that pretty soon I could hop up in his lap and lay my head against his heart and listen to it beat,  My dad was a good hugger and I think God must be too.

"Faith is deliberate 

confidence 

in the character of God 

whose ways 

you 

may not understand 

at the time. "

~Oswald Chambers

Lauren Daigle - How Can It Be (Lyric Video)

"Are You Ready (On Your Own)" - Distant Cousins

"Always dream and shoot higher than you know you can do.  

Don't bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors.  

Try to be better than yourself."  

~William Faulkner

"Memory believes before knowing remembers.  

Believes longer then recollects, longer then knowing even wonders." 

~William Faulkner

substance transfigured

Just really quick notes, because that's all I have time for today.

From Matthew 17:14-23
About the father with a very sick son, maybe he was epileptic, at any rate, the disciples were unable to help (with healing).
Before that:
Three disciples and Jesus had just been up on the mountain top where Jesus "was seen" as He really is, transfigured before their eyes.  John Wesley seems to do a good job of explaining the text here.  The disciples were overcome with His glory and proposed to "stay right there" ... build some shrines.  So ... that was the mountain top experience ... then they came back down in to the valley where it seems most of us live.
What happened next was the desperate father thing ... . And I might ask, as a reader of the text, "Where is Jesus in all this sadness ... trouble ... grief?"
And ... for me, there is also that nagging question about "faith".  Why was my heart so certain that my brother was already in remission when ... the science of it indicates significant concerns with his liver?  How do I reconcile that and I'll just say now ... I don't know.   But, I'm thinking about it.

There is a marvelous quote in Tracey Kidder's book, Mountains Beyond Mountains : Healing the World : The Quest of Dr. Paul Farmer ... gosh, I need to find it!  It's about the possibility of two diametrically opposed realities, coexisting without tension.  ummm ... I will find it, but just a bit later.
The idea I am attempting to express may be seen (as in maybe it can be seen ... idk, I'm not sure what I think yet) in the transfiguration of Christ ... as this:

And was transfigured before them: and his face did shine as the sun, and his raiment was white as the light.

And was transfigured — Or transformed. The indwelling Deity darted out its rays through the veil of the flesh; and that with such transcendent splendour, that he no longer bore the form of a servant. His face shone with Divine majesty, like the sun in its strength; and all his body was so irradiated by it, that his clothes could not conceal its glory, but became white and glittering as the very light, with which he covered himself as with a garment.*

yeah ... *Wesley

Maybe  ... [Jesus, the man] concurrent with [triune Godhead Jesus] as portrayed in the Gospels ... Maybe that expresses what I am trying to think about ... as: Man is not God and God is not man ... yet here,  in the person Jesus the Christ, we "see" both (God in an earthsuit).

One of the reasons why I really like this "story" is because regular guys (the disciples) got to see with their human eyes something which was not always so apparent.  They "saw" a spiritual reality which has more truth then anything I can sense with my earthsuit.  And ... I think it's cool that they got to hear the voice of God ... and He said something like "This is my Son, I am pleased with him, listen to him." (Wow) Then Jesus said Get up ... and don't be afraid. And then they started down the hill.

(I'm kinda rambling, I know ... I'm noting this over the course of several days.)

So ... nothing is different as far as who Jesus is, he is the same, but/and he is more readily perceived to be "just" a man.  He came back down the hill and immediate immersed himself in our lives ... right in the midst  of the sadness ... trouble ... and grief.  I think maybe "trying to see" Jesus busy in our lives may be exactly where the substance of faith gets tangled up.

sub·stance
a particular kind of matter with uniform properties.
the real physical matter of which a person or thing consists and which has a tangible, solid presence.

I know know there are all sorts of, bunches and bunches of, "real" things which I can not see.  And I know that those unseen real things are dynamic, rather than static, in nature.

Now it is Sunday again.  I started writing this Sunday past.

protects, trusts, hopes, persevers ... loves

between layers

Haven't flown since March ... I've been invited to co on a couple of charter flights (it's an offering of joy because that friend loves me and knows that velocity + altitude can lift heavy hearts) and so far it just hasn't worked out.  Last time my buddy suggested I call in sick (to my new job) and ... just ... fly away for the day.  I couldn't.  I sure did want to, but ... .

This picture was snapped some while ago.  I really don't specifically remember when because lots of flights look like that ... above the ceiling, below the flight levels ... between.



Four rocked a biology test this week .  She said, "I now know everything there is to know about bacteria and plants and how they grow so if V ever needs help with her Biology I'm the master".  That cracks me up ... yes, I'm certain that she knows she's exaggerating, but I enjoy the idea that "we" tend to over rate our understanding of things.  I smile to remember myself back when I knew everything (about bunches of things).  I type that out with a small smile.

"We don't have a fever thing".  Too funny.  I truly enjoy the relationship with my children.  It's cool to share life closely with people.  I feel that quite intensely lately. I am so grateful for the beauty of it.  Love.

"... the greatest of these is love."

She worked at understanding the material and did well on the exam but said ... I sure don't know how I will ever use that information  ... even how I will use a lot of the information I am acquiring at college ... HS was basically useless ... . 

LOL ... gosh it's fun to listen to them.  I sincerely can not imagine enjoying grandchildren more then I enjoy my children, adults now, they are still vastly pleasurable company.  

So ... Four and I talked a little bit about how much I enjoy aviation. She watched me "pouring myself" in to learning about so many different aspects of it. I started that journey just wanting to provide a "discovery flight" for two of my children who hadn't had the opportunity to fly before.  I didn't know that I was on the verge of something that would become important to me.  (Almost FIRC complete!)  It is good to have a great passion in life.  I told her that I believe what we "learn" about, where we spend our energy, our focus, can become a language via which God may help us grasp concepts which are more difficult.  Things we "know" may become, essentially, building blocks by which we come to better attend to "unknowns".  So many unknowns.  

This picture just pinged in.  I love that.  I love that we are able to connect with our people so immediately.  I love that "my people" text little random bits of their days to me.  I love the willingness to "touch", share.  I love receiving those easy little pics from the people I love. 

I'm too "emotional" to fly right now.  In fact ... I can't see myself ever flying again as an instructor.  Keeping the certif current is a matter of pride. And to be perfectly honest, I enjoy seeing those 100s stacking up as I complete the various FIRC chapters.  I'm a person who enjoys the gold stars.

Today I am content to be still here on the ground  ...  where we are experiencing solid OVC, I can't find even one tiny speck of blue.  But ... I know it's there just beyond a whispy layer ... and there may be several layers before I could/can feel/see "sunshine" (on my shoulder ... and a blue bird while we are wishing here).

I just sent Tommy a text to his iPad.  It said: Im sitting here looking at that picture of you.  It's very easy to imagine you looking up with a smile ... blowing a kiss.  I love you.

 It  really doesn't get better then that.  That's what I've learned from all this useless stuff ... The value in life is really found in the love that we are able to share with one another, from small acts of kindness all the way up to the huge sacrifices that strangers may make for another.

protects, trusts, hopes, perseveres ... loves

109/1000

I'm thankful for that day, it was a good day.
These are three of my people.
It's great to have people who you love to "do" life with.
I'm thankful for these.  I thankful also for the others.

“Courage is not having the strength to go on; it is going on when you don't have the strength.” 

~ Theodore Roosevelt

not good news yesterday

Yesterday was the day we expected "the good news".  But ... we didn't hear what we expected to hear.
Certainly, not what we hoped to hear.

My brother has more lesions on his liver then he did last time they looked.  Maybe the other cancerous sites, especially the colon and stomach, are ... improving.  The images indicate that the mass in both places is basically the same size.  Maybe it is scar tissue left behind from where cancer was thriving.  They are not sure.  Someone asked me why not biopsy those locations and ... I don't know.  I don't know the whys or the why nots of any of this.

He is gaining weight.  That's a positive.  And ... as I said earlier, his voice sounds strong.  In fact ... his voice has been mostly strong all along.  He has a wonderful voice.  All the men in my family are noted for sounding lovely.  Sometimes, on the phone, I am lulled along, loosing focus on what he is saying, I'm soothed by the sound.  I think he actually does that on purpose if that's even possible.  He knows how to sound ... confident.

His chemo cocktail has been changed to focus on the liver with maintenance delivered to the rest of his  ... places.  Today he told me again that the doctor said ... this is the place where a lot of people give up, call it quits.  You're still a very sick man.  That's what he said, a bit of it.  My brother said that he still has some fight left in him.  Last week we had a bit of a scare.  Tommy was experiencing pain which he thought might be clots.  The radiologist didn't see any clots, but the pain didn't abate ... I could hear the extra pain meds thickening his tongue and blurring his thoughts.  Today he told me that the doctor said the pain was from his liver.

Recently L was telling me some stuff about Theodore Roosevelt.  Roosevelt may have been mis-served by the whole Teddy Bear thing because from what my husband was telling me I think I'm going to have to read up on Roosevelt for myself.  L is watching Ken Burns' new doc The Roosevelts and was talking about Roosevelt's view on what a warrior is ... he (my husband) paraphrasing, said something like "it is easy enough to find people willing to kill for what they believe in, but a warrior is one who is willing to die for his beliefs."  We remembered the fire-fighters walking up the flights of stairs on 9-11.  We talked a bit about warriors.  I have known a few.

My brother is a warrior.  It's what he knows.  

 

new word for me

1. flense (vt)

   
   
   strip skin or fat from animal  (as a whale).

My son, One, taught me this word this week.  I had to have him spell it in NATO phonetic alphabet to spell it out.  He used the word to illustrate an idea, a feeling.  

And ... I'm thinking also about fat ... those good fats which are  vital in the support of optimal brain/body function and the "bad fats" which encourage disease.  To be flensed.  Interesting word.  He wasn't making the distinction  between good or bad fat ... he wasn't really even thinking about fat.  I circled back to "there".  I know that fat in general may represent abundance.  Or it may convey connotations of over-indulging oneself.  

Anyway ... a note ...   Flense ... it's painful, and bloody ... possibly helpful?

Dodinsky ... kinda rocks

A pointless argument is when both parties assert their position by continuously pointing out each other’s wrongdoings. A lot of blaming and shaming happens in the absence of calm and understanding. — Dodinsky

“In every undertaking you face, always be at your best. Find delight in doing what you do. Someday you will find yourself in a far better place because you learned to value your efforts more than expectations.” — Dodinsky

“The LESS time you spend criticizing how others choose to live, the MORE time you can spend improving the quality of your life.” — Dodinsky

A beautiful life will bloom from a beautiful mind that is nurtured by beautiful thoughts. At any time you can allow beauty to flow within you. — Dodinsky

Neglect is often the slow poison in a relationship. The wound it causes cannot be mended by begging to be heard and acknowledged. To do so will only lead to further harm of your worth. It is very painful to release what you had hoped for, but letting go of someone who overlooks what they have in you is a good investment for your future. — Dodinsky

Do not allow the noise of their negativity smother the whisper of your heart. Let the strength of your character uphold the goals you have set for your life. — Dodinsky 

You alone can dismantle the barrier to your happiness. When you rely on others to do that for you, that barrier gets bigger. — Dodinsky

“A bad decision is not the end of you. How you choose to deal with your mistakes will determine your fate more than actually making one.” — Dodinsky

“When your mind begins to waver during life’s unrelenting storms, let your heart assume control. For when you feel you are running out of hope, trusting yourself will help see you through. ” — Dodinsky

You are always given the opportunity to make someone feel appreciated. It makes a world of difference to someone who feels empty or ignored. When it comes to kindness, nothing is ever small. — Dodinsky

You have to love yourself because no amount of love from others is sufficient to fill the yearning that your soul requires from you. — Dodinsky 

When someone gives you a rare insight into their life, do not repay that gesture by betraying their trust. — Dodinsky

If it is detrimental to you emotionally, physically and spiritually… what choice do you have left but to let go and flourish with self-respect. — Dodinsky

Every day you either see a scar or courage. Where you dwell will define your struggle. – Dodinsky

Knowing who you are is the best defense against who they think you are. – Dodinsky 

No matter what you have gone through and what others have put you through, you are still you. To embrace happiness, to find your passion and to love yourself, remember these things were never taken away from you. Nothing can stop you from rediscovering yourself. The greatest journey always begins within YOU. — Dodinsky

I smile when I look back at the troubles that have strengthened me. What seems to be insurmountable struggles then are now beautiful ornaments illuminating my soul. — Dodinsky

There are times when you need to explain your actions to others out of respect. But accept the truth that some people don’t really care about what you say or do. Those times you need to stop explaining out of respect to yourself. — Dodinsky

People can let you down, but only YOU can keep yourself permanently down. Rise above it, and get moving!” — Dodinsky 

” Forgiving is rediscovering the shining path of peace that at first you thought others took away when they betrayed you.” — Dodinsky

To breathe your own truth is your heart’s most burning desire. To live your purpose is your soul’s lifelong dream. – Dodinsky  

“Get angry, get furious–but never crumble into resentment.” – Dodinsky

“You are defined by your choices, and you have thousands of them spread through a lifetime to continue re-inventing yourself.” – by Dodinsky 

Dodinsky  IN THE GARDEN OF THOUGHTS.

Kintsukuroi

Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief.

I guess that's one of the things I've spent the most time thinking about this past week ... the idea of the wonders which God performs.

Talking with my brother I realized that I already believe he is in remission.  I really don't know how one establishes "remission" ... maybe it's about the protein markers.  I know my brother's voice.  I can hear health in the sound of his voice now.  He says if I could see him I would feel even better.  The picture he sent looked really red ... like been to the dessert with a horse with no name red ... he said that's the chemo.  Other then the redness, he looked better, healthier, then he has for a long time.  That "clean" living agrees with him (lol, that's what I've been saying).  Please God, keep him whole for lots of days to come. I most certainly "feel" better about his state of health because of hearing and seeing good indications, but ... I'm that sort of person who doesn't easily believe what I see or hear ... maybe I did when I was a kid, but life has taught caution.  I like to prepare myself for "not best" ... not the worst, but ... I seldom hope for the best I can imagine (It's just not realistic ... I gotta protect myself ... I don't feel comfortable in na-na land).

As I said, I already believe.
It's interesting to me to realize that.  I believe in the same way that I believe 1+1=2.  It just does.  It's not a thinking thing ... and because it is such a small thing I process it quickly ... two apples in the bowl ... two socks on the floor ... there is a couple walking down the street, 2.  Easy.  Fact.  I accept it as fact without any sorting about for other possibilities.  That's how I "think and feel" about where he is at in this process. ... then hope ... I hope it lasts a long long time.  I don't think about that very often because ... I am unable to affect that, and most importantly, it's God's business and I am confident that He has good plans for all of us.  I do believe that too.

I don't think I have ever prayed about something (other then this thing with Tommy), asked God for something, where I have experienced confidence that "it" was done before I saw evidence ... and by that I mean real stuff, scientific support, physical proof ... of it really done.  I can "do" the it's in God's hands part, but I don't think I've ever experienced the ... this ...

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. 

Hebrew 11:1

 I'm thinking about that now.  Now that I realize a different way to look at it, it seems that I personally don't have much faith.  

I believe there is a God.  I believe there was a man named Jesus, His son, who died on a cross and rose again.  I believe Jesus became the acceptable sacrifice for my sin, the sin in my nature and the actually sins I do (and even just think about doing) ... I humbly accept the grace provided by His gift, by His life, death, resurrection.  

The Apostles' Creed  (Spurgeon's notes via Phil)

Let's make this easier ... I believe this, as I understand it: 

I believe in God the Father, Almighty, Maker of heaven and earth:

And in Jesus Christ, his only begotten Son, our Lord:

Who was conceived by the Holy Ghost, born of the Virgin Mary:

Suffered under Pontius Pilate; was crucified, dead and buried: He descended into hell:

The third day he rose again from the dead:

He ascended into heaven, and sits at the right hand of God the Father Almighty:

From thence he shall come to judge the quick and the dead:

I believe in the Holy Ghost:

I believe in the holy catholic church: the communion of saints:

The forgiveness of sins:

The resurrection of the body:

And the life everlasting. 

Amen.

I thought that was "faith".

This week I had my vision checked.  I marvel at the coolness of our eyes.  I am amazed by the coolness of how sight works and by how we store images.  Absolutely amazing.  It makes me smile to sit here and think of it even for a second.  I thought faith was essentially believing things we can't see with our physical eyes.  Like God, who my eyes can't see ... but who is evidenced (I believe) by the miraculousness of something like our eyes (or pretty much anything He made ... it's all cool, and gets cooler as I learn more about it).

Anyway ... I recognize that I am unable to "believe" as well as I wish I could.  I see that because of how easy it is for me to believe that my brother is already in remission when ... in fact ... he still has a round or two of chemo to go and then whatever "they" do to discover where he's at prior to the pronouncement.

I'm thinking about it because I have other things going on in my life that I wish I could have faith would go as well.  Important stuff.  The stuff I am praying about ... I don't really believe it will go as I hope it will.  I think it's hard for me to believe.  I do trust God, but I don't believe what I'm asking for is possible.  Not really.  And ... that's contrary to the notion that ...

Jesus looked at them and said, 

“With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”

Matthew 19:6

I'd really like to say I believe that.  I'd like for that to be a 1+1=2 type of belief.  I can honestly say I believe "with God all things are possible".  But ... we (mankind) don't surrender all things to God and He doesn't force us to give Him our "stuff" ... . How's He supposed to make our stuff right when we don't give Him the opportunity to do so.

So ... I'm trying to find the stuff I haven't let go of.  

I'm so out of time to sit and think/type!  It's difficult to keep the house clean when I'm away from my home all day.  But, I am glad I have a job!

 “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!” - Mark 9:24

mostly pictures ...

We leave pretty early on our morning walks, always early enough to find Venus still high above the tree line (that's Saturn beyond ... I'm learning the night sky).  Today I stopped to enjoy these, the only morning glories I have seen this year.  I didn't plant mine.  Maybe next Spring, along with some moon flowers, I'd like them together on our fence. I also saw "roadkill" which L identified as two raccoons.  I never look at those stilled guys, but today I was occupied by keeping an eye on a scurrying field mouse with a very short tail.  We shared the sidewalk with him.  Last week I saw a big turtle stuck on the street unable to climb the curb.  L helped him up.  I don't like to touch those things.  City girl ... .

Really enjoying the FitBit flex band.  It "plays well" with my calorie tracker, the FitnessPal app.  We are doing great at consistently getting 10,000 steps even though I was dragging a bit today.

 I'm sitting in the living room taking a break from my FIRC work.  It's actually kinda enjoyable to review... surprised at how much the "tone" has changed since my last one (2012).  It seems that we are encouraged to "be more sensitive".  The world continues to evolve I guess ... .

This, from our yard, taken on Saturday.  It volunteered from seeds planted season before last.  Sweet.

L and I did make it to the tailgate ... chose not to go to the game, we ran errands together instead and I enjoyed the time.  Look at all the crazy that accompanies home games ... there are super nice RVs parked in organized rows on every blade of grass within 5 miles or more of the stadium.

 My favorite stop was a Blooming Colors where these chickens were just rambling around.

Next morning walk on to campus ... Victory "rolled", a team of men were cleaning everything away.

I'm always busy now.  It's a busy time of the year with school starting back ... but, I am swamped!  Too busy to make notes here and I miss the time because it provided space for me to think about stuff.  I do want to make a few notes about Sunday's sermon ... it was interesting. And oddly enough it seems that the last chapter of the FIRC seemed to amplify some of the Pastor's thoughts.  Kinda cool.  Hopefully, notes on that later ... for now, I'm ascribing to the picture worth a thousand words deal.   I barely have time to take care of my family stuff!

• To see and hear rain falling symbolizes forgiveness and grace. Falling rain is also a metaphor for tears, crying and sadness. 
• To see a baby in your dream signifies innocence, warmth and new beginnings. Babies symbolize something in your own inner nature that is pure, vulnerable, helpless and/or uncorrupted. If you dream that the baby is smiling at you, then it suggests that you are experiencing pure joy.
• To see or call for a babysitter in your dream indicates that you need to acknowledge and work on your inner child.
• Two stands for balance, diversity, partnership, marriage cooperation, soul, or receptivity. It can also symbolize double weakness or double strength.

with yesterday stuff

Not every crossing point has a gate.
Some roads lead to less safe intersections then others
(but you might have no way of knowing that the first time around).
Sometimes stopping is the only sensible choice.

ummm ... it's not exactly that I'm not thinking ... I am thinking.  Not a huge fan of Mr. Chopra, but he does express with the following quote more what I was attempting to say with my panning thing, engaged yet detached ... caring and not caring ... it is a bit like flow.

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. ~Steve Jobs

We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.
~ Albert Einstein

Fear stifles our thinking and actions. It creates indecisiveness that results in stagnation.

I have known talented people who procrastinate indefinitely rather than risk failure. 

Lost opportunities cause erosion of confidence, and the downward spiral begins. 

~ Charles Stanley

Any man who reads too much and uses his own brain too little falls into lazy habits of thinking.
~ Albert Einstein


If you're studying for an exam you're not thinking about the results. If you're always worried about the results, you can't study a lot. So to be engaged and detached from the outcome is excellent. Excellence is behavior. I mean, isn't that what martial arts is about? And that's what meditation is about, that's what, in many ways, sports are about. ~ Deepak Chopra

If everyone is thinking alike, 

then somebody isn't 

thinking.

George S. Patton

Pride is an independent, me-oriented spirit. It makes people arrogant, rude and hard to get along with. When our heart is prideful, we don't give God the credit and we mistreat people, looking down on them and thinking we deserve what we have.
~Joyce Meyer

Faith is an oasis in the heart which will never be reached by the caravan of thinking. ~ Khalil Gibran. 

Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery's shadow or reflection: 

the fact that you don't merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer. 

I not only live each endless day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief. 

~C.S.Lewis

Some of the boxcars along my train of thought
are scribble scrabbled on.