a red bird bathing in the blueberry sprinkler
hot here today 107*F

Yes the drapes did go back up ... thanks to L.  I am really trying to decide what fabric I want to use to reupholster the wing back ... the first piece of furniture L and I bought together.  It's tufted back right now, but I may change that ... idk ... I'm thinking about it.  The pattern on these twin chairs precludes many of the fabric choices I might make.  It almost has to be a solid, and I am thinking that spa grey/green ... pretty easy to find that color right now.

I was looking for cabana stripe, and even considered "making" it, which is how I got the idea to paint those two dining chairs ... which, I really like.

Now, I'm thinking something more like this ... I won't distress the wood (hmmm ... probably won't). I sorta like the detail on the seat cushion.  I'm thinking about it.  This is a pretty uptight chair ... it wants to relax.  It was in our bedroom before little miss took a red Sharpie and detailed the buttons (several years ago ... yes, in the garage, I couldn't part with it, but I couldn't look at it either).  I really couldn't believe it.
Restoration Hardware is showing all their wing backs with the exterior upholstery done in a burlap.  It's pretty cool ... and, I like the look well enough to copy it, but the perfect interior fabric eludes me ... and burlap unravels almost before one makes a cut.  I have my eye on a linen.  I like the ease of it and the weave ... I also think I will wrap the seat cushion in feather down.  That definitely will relax the look of it.
Quick hop over to Restoration Hardware ... showing only one chair with burlap exterior.

They are   marketing a "deconstructed" look pretty hot and heavy ... I am certain that would drive my husband crazy ... I might show it to him later with a serious face on ... poor guy ... I like to joke around quite a bit for as serious as I am ... I like to laugh.  

I would like to see how they finished this where fabric meets air ... 

Anyway ... they do have a chair very similar to mine and it is done in a linen ... see ... no tufting and fluffy seat ... this has an interesting detail on the back ... the exterior is one piece, no seams ... a separate back is more traditional ... this would be easier to do.  Plus this is shown with a single welt detail.  Well ... thinking about it.  This isn't my next piece, it's my next to next. And ... I like the lumbar pillow.

This heat is ... really hot.  Humid heat.

again ... just a photo I like ... found on Pinterest
I wish every image there was credited, I don't know the real sorry behind the lens here.

The axis of the boats seem to be similarly situated, but the sails are filling up differently ... the mainsail is just slightly tweaked and the headsails are billowing full just a bit differently ... the boats, similar, are moving away from each other. I wish I knew the story here.  It looks very peaceful from here ... but, this is pretty energized. I think they are racing ... racing away from each other.

I am quite distressed about the recent exchanges between Three and his dad.  I wish my Dad were here to help me understand ... hmmm, understand this, and what my part in this should be.  And of course I think about the heavenly Father thing, but ... we are back to the no skin on  thing ... I don't do invisible friend extremely well.  I have seen where I would say God has recently been, but ... not recently.  ... I can't see the wind ... I can see the full swell of the sails ... I can see the boats moving away from each other.

Well ... hmmm.

Something funny.  Two tells me that there is research about women who blog.  Apparently, they (uh, we) are high anxiety. I look at my story here and I  ... well, I wouldn't characterize myself as high anxiety.  But, I might be.  I'm gonna have to think about that a bit.

There is a piece of paper on my table here which reads ...

"Strife is better then loneliness." ~ Irish proverb

... it's the sub title to the research paper I am getting ready to read.  Recognizing the Demon Dialogues. I tend to wish to smooth out strife.  I am a nurturing kind of person.  I really think my best secret power (lol) is to help things be better ... and, I would say it has been lonely work.  My daughter says I am the one of those five types who can be alone quite easily, that being with other people causes anxiety for me.  I wonder how she can see that ... I do party face extremely well ... but ... I never really take the real me there.

Well ... enough of that.

~ Pinterest

taken with cool clear December air for a background

Red thread ... 


An invisible red thread
connects those who are
destined to meet
regardless of time,
place or circumstance.
The thread may
stretch or tangle
but it will never break

with many thanks to those lives which touch my own, both big and small ...

Yesterday both of my best friends called just to chat ... pretty sweet.  D wondered how all my stuff is coming along.  She has a knack for interiors.  If I wonder about this or that style wise, she is my main go to gal.  She's talked me down from more the one really bad haircut choice!  Lol.  She has the huge remember when advantage ... we've been buddies forever. So ... this room is pleasant enough to sit in ... coffee time right here where I can see the rose vine ... and the little bird feeder.  Coming along.  Maybe we can get the drapes back up this weekend ... I like the very open view, but ... window treatments are required in grown up homes I guess. Each of the three floor to ceiling windows offers a view of unrelenting green ... pine and crepe myrtle through one, dogwood and hickory through the next, rose vine with its little pink buds, lawn, and that pecan tree that attracts every squirrel in town and dapples the grass with shade.  This is a really good place from which to begin a day.

Last night, after dinner, my husband helped me get the two missing spokes back in my old rocker.  The rocker I sat in and sang soft little lullabies to my babies ... everyone of them taller then I now.  I love this chair ... for the memories of sweet smelling babies (I loved leaning in to their sleeping breathe and rubbing my cheek so carefully against theirs ... ahhh, babies, my little loves), and for how perfectly balanced it is even for just little ole me (it practically rocks of it's own accord ... no creaks!), and for the loves that it may rock in the tomorrows ... I don't yet dream of those, but I'm glad for the moments this chair has seen.  So glad to have it back in good repair!  Today I will apply some of that hand rub poly.  Excellent product ... it feels just the way I hoped the wood in my home would ... just like smooth time mellowed wood. (Minwax Wipe-On Poly ... Hand rubbed beauty with polyurethane Protection ... yeah, totally rocks.)

Yesterday ... once again, I am going to say, I think the sheet rock in the den is sanded to perfection.  The plumbing may drain slow from all the showering it takes to get that stuff out of my hair and off my skin ... still in the sinuses, but I have promised myself that I will buy some of those little faces masks to have on hand just in case ... it's just silly not to. Back to painting in there ... all but that area has been detailed and it's not going to take anytime at all to roll some fresh attitude up on that ceiling!

I did get the blower started ... and Sammy did think it was specifically for his amusement.  He looks so funny with his hair blown back full force.  Full little fuel tank gets a good start ... half tank, not even a half ass start ... full better ... lesson learned!  I blew out the garage and hung these tool brackets in the bonus round ...

the build in work bench is just South of this wall and ... it's clear.  I am tickled with the progress being made in the garage.  I try to do something out there every day.  The rocker was out there collecting spider webs ... now it's back inside where it belongs.  Stuff can pile up and become overwhelming ... I don't have a huge vision of where this space is going (well, I sorta do ... lol) ... for now I am just trying to commit to investing fifteen minutes a day out there ... it's starting to be ... better.

So ... one last thing for today.  I am watching a new to me program on HULU ... Touch.  L found 24 (the series) and really liked it ... we watched all 8 or 9 seasons of it ... then Two was sitting near me watching something and I heard Jack's voice ... what a great voice ... takes lots of scotch to smooth out a voice like that ... or something, anyway ... Touch is Keifer Sutherland's current project.  I think it must be my very favorite tv thing ever.  Yeah, I think so.

Blending science, spirituality and emotion, the series will follow seemingly unrelated people all over the world whose lives affect each other in ways seen and unseen, known and unknown. ~ from the show's page.  People who like numbers, science and people will probably enjoy this show.

I wrote this note from the opening lines of the show I saw yesterday ... I love these words together.

Eighty-nine degrees, fifteen minutes, fifty point eight seconds

That's the current position of Polaris.  

The North Star.

Viewed from another planet it's just one among many,

but on Earth, it's uniquely important ... fixed in place, an anchor.

No matter where you are in the Northern hemisphere, when you face Polaris, you face North.

You know where you are.  

But, there are other ways to get lost.

In the choices we make.

In the events that overwhelm us.

Even in our own minds ... .

What can be our anchor then?

What beacon can we turn to to guide us from darkness to light?

What if it's other people?

The lives that touch our own both big and small ... 

because, unlike Polaris,

the light they bring will never fade.

John Wesley's notes on Predestination

heron ... absolutely beautiful
idk whose work it is though
from Pinterest

On-Predestination ... John Wesley


This is ... very clearly illuminated.  I particularly liked reading it today in the context of choice in general.  Sometimes I wonder about choices I made or make and how they affect people I love and me. I have said, innocently, but inaccurately I think, "This must be what God wants for me ... I am here so ... what happens to me here must be his will for me (to endure if not embrace).  Well ... the truth of these words of John Wesley resonate.  Food for thought today.

To do today:  Ceiling ... sheet rock ... the paint told the story ... it wasn't pretty.  I think I might have to trade my shorter step for something taller.  I think that will help.  looking at the finished ceiling in the living room helps ... it looks really good ... and the den will too.  So ... back to that today.  And, I'm going to get my blower going and tidy up the garage and porches and walkway and drive way.  Sammy loves that leave blower.  Maybe he will get a bath today.  A bath and a blow dry ... makes me laugh to consider it.  I don't think he would be nearly as amused by that as I am.  I am or just I ... as often as I write you'd think my syntax would be better!

I call it my quiet time ... time to sip my coffee and meander through a blog or two, answer mail ... make my little list for the day.  The house is so quiet that I can hear the echo of cicadas calling to each other last night.  I usually like to light my yummy smelling Dune Grass candle first thing ... the scent floats on the silence just like a prayer.  I think it's neat that God can hear my heart ... and that He wants to.  This morning I saw a picture of a child nestled in the crook of her grandpa's arm.  Perfect fit ... like the arm was waiting for the child to rest there and ...  the arm that has bent to this and that, a nest for a tiny soul. Her sweet smelling foot is held tenderly in his hand.  Yeah ... maybe I do think God is sorta like some benevolent old dude, not my words, but words with were ascribed to maybe my perspective recently.  I don't know the people in that picture, but I do know joy when I see it ... pictured there and apparent in the room, behind the camera and over there where the baby's eyes danced to ... Momma?  Grandma?  Maybe the infant can see wonderful things that we adults forget to look for.
I do know that I have learned things about God because I love a child ... several children ... children who have become adults.  I think I can best contemplate "God" via the complex nuances of love.  The hand that holds a foot may one day hold a hand ... may guide a trusting heart.

That image of "loving", and joyfully so, does seem to be how I think of God in relationship with his children.

I call it my quiet time ... it's also time I might procrastinate a bit!  The hand rubbed poly has been applied to the table this morning ... waiting for it to dry and then, a second coat I think.  I also think I'm going to really like it.  It may be just the thing to finish the turquoise chest, and my old rocker.  Today is a day about finishing that ceiling in the den.  Yesterday I sanded and smoozed ... and smeared just a tiny bit more mud here and there.  This morning ... hopefully, just a few more minutes worth of fine tuning with the sanding block then on to cutting in paint around those beams ... then the magic of rolling paint on.  That roller totally rocks.  It's gonna look really good!  And then after all the clean up, I  am going to reward myself with some boldly patterned fabric to recover an over sized ottoman with.  Something that will stand up to the exuberance of that rag rug in there ... something I might not usually pick out.

Yesterday, standing on that gardening stool, I thought it was just like a skateboard ... yeah without the wheels ... okay maybe not just like, but it reminded me of skate boarding.  Now I am without my youth, but I have learned how to notice things I'm thankful for ... yesterday I was thankful that I can still balance my old bones ... hands overhead with my ball cap on backwards and certainly one of my very last face full of sheet rock dust days ... yeah ... today may be the last day of extreme sheetrock.

flickr stream of the work of James Turrell


and from PBS/Art 21:

James

Turrell

Home » Artists » James Turrell

About James Turrell

James Turrell was born in Los Angeles in 1943. His undergraduate studies at Pomona College focused on psychology and mathematics; only later, in graduate school, did he pursue art, receiving an MFA from the Claremont Graduate School in Claremont, California. Turrell’s work involves explorations in light and space that speak to viewers without words, impacting the eye, body, and mind with the force of a spiritual awakening. “I want to create an atmosphere that can be consciously plumbed with seeing,” says the artist, “like the wordless thought that comes from looking in a fire.” Informed by his studies in perceptual psychology and optical illusions, Turrell’s work allows us to see ourselves “seeing.” Whether harnessing the light at sunset or transforming the glow of a television set into a fluctuating portal, Turrell’s art places viewers in a realm of pure experience. Situated near the Grand Canyon and Arizona’s Painted Desert is Roden Crater, an extinct volcano the artist has been transforming into a celestial observatory for the past thirty years. Working with cosmological phenomena that have interested man since the dawn of civilization and have prompted responses such as Stonehenge and the Mayan calendar, Turrell’s crater brings the heavens down to earth, linking the actions of people with the movements of planets and distant galaxies. His fascination with the phenomena of light is ultimately connected to a very personal, inward search for mankind’s place in the universe. Influenced by his Quaker faith, which he characterizes as having a “straightforward, strict presentation of the sublime,” Turrell’s art prompts greater self-awareness through a similar discipline of silent contemplation, patience, and meditation. His ethereal installations enlist the common properties of light to communicate feelings of transcendence and the divine. The recipient of several prestigious awards, such as Guggenheim and MacArthur fellowships, Turrell lives in Arizona

I flipped the words to either bold or Veranda for my quick reference.




I think of the work of this man almost everyday.  laughing at myself ... this is really good work ... my favorite work.  Some of the reading I've looked at said Roden Crater is the United States' version of the Sistine Chapel.  I've never seen the Sistene Chapel, of course I would love to, but I don't think I could/would make the comparison between these works.  

Michelangelo, yes, genius by any standard, laid on his back for four years to paint the ceiling ... and he did a lot of other amazingly cool and innovative things which reflect his marvelous capacity to think and do. I imagine if I were to have the wonderful opportunity of visiting the Sistine Chapel or any of the works of Michelangelo that I would be incredibly impressed and enriched by the work ... and tenacity ... the skill of a man.  I would stay with him while I looked at what he did.  Mr. Turrell's work, the work of his hands, of his mind, of his soul ... seem to call me to float away from what I can observe at the installation site to an entirely different place.  I think that would be a place where I would want to be.  I think that would feel like home.  

I've been watching the progress of a recent installation at Rice.  I almost went to undergraduate school at Rice University ... I've been on that campus,  I can easily go there again.  I have every hope of visiting this Skyscape.  I could maybe spend several different days there.  Houston was home when my parents stopped their nomadic life of traveling the Southwest. Twilight Epiphany

What I've read indicates that Roden Crater is not open to the public.  One may be invited to visit.  A site I look at suggests friends of can be invited ... friendly begins at $5,000.00 bucks.  I understand that an endeavor which demands a lifetime is costly in many different ways.  I will have to hope that the pictures coming out of the crater will help me see a bit of this master feat.  I would want to study the process anyway ... if I had a hope of actually visiting the experience I would want to build an understanding from which to embrace it.  Truth is, I doubt the money would go very far towards trading for the amount of time I would want to spend in the art of this light.  Maybe it will pay for itself with in my life time ... maybe it will come closer to a possibility for me.  I would like to hope so.
See ... I have learned that hope is a big word.  Hope.

so ... on another note ...
My little Tapa plates came out of the kiln this week end.  I like them ... I think I would like the rounded edges of Redbud leaves better  for this idea, so I may try again ... these are good for what they are, but my favorite thing about them is the shadow they cast.  I am going to hang them from leather straps in the breakfast room ... and maybe I'll use them or maybe I'll give them away.

... off to that ceiling!

Underwater Sculpture by Jason deCaires Taylor

Underwater Sculpture by Jason deCaires Taylor

Here's one way to see it ... I've never thought about seeing it other then on line through some one else's eyes, or actually there, in the water at the site.  Even via the cyber window his work is ... captivating, ethereal.

Phoenix ... Jason deCaires Taylor

Latest works

Cancun.   I really admire this guy's work.  The whole deal is interesting.

You can become blind by seeing each day as a similar one.  Each day is a different one, each day brings a miracle of it's own. It's just a matter of paying attention to this miracle.  ~ Paulo Coelho Days should speak and a multitude of years should teach wisdom (Job 32:7). Kumi Yamashita: Creased Japanese paper, single light source, shadow Notes from this morning ... I wake up early, like three o'clock early and sometimes I have particular stuff to think about ... I intend to have specific stuff to think about, because if I don't my mind ranges to ... frettings ... towards regrets half formed, second guessings.  Last night I had intended to think about the art work pictured above ... and I did, it took about three minutes to complete the ride on that train of thought.  I thought this would be even more interesting if the paper had even just one word ... maybe a name or any word ... maybe even an entire story.  Then I thought of all the stories that I know and even those I don't know ... those stories with no words, and those stories with words that choose to be unspoken ... unwritten. This week I helped my husband clean out his car.  There were receipts on the floor board between the seats, maybe they are important, to me they look like trash.  I piled them up like dollar bills stacked smiling face up, then I rolled them in a wad, just like the wad of money spent which they attest to.  Then ... he flipped through them.  Yes ... here is the receipt for that hand tool that turned out to be a duplicate and now rides in the back waiting for a return trip. We found also an unsealed envelope addressed to G'mere ... with I licked and slid shut, and L placed a stamp on.  We drove through the post office drop off on our way to fill up with gas.  Yesterday, my mother in law called, perplexed.  What should she make of a letter delivered with Two's return address but not one single word on the stationery neatly folded within.  She expressed a few ideas which did not make me smile and I listened as my husband explained the innocent set of circumstances leading up to the posting of the missive.  I thought ... there is a story to be told by a black sheet of paper.  Maybe even many stories. Yes ... that wasn't where my thoughts were supposed to go.  My train jumped the tracks. Then, I thought about creating something like this ... this art ... from a slab of clay ... as a wall hanging.  Hmmm ... not a face ... sorting through ideas I decided on a cloud.  A cloud shadow ... long with the morning sun and diminishing as the day heats up ... just the opposite.  I love everything about the idea. I've looked at clouds from both sides now ...  Joni Mitchell. My house feels heavier with less people in it.

Crown molding up!  I love the tidy high gloss polish of it ... yay!  We installed 84 feet of it today ... mostly L did but I helped as much as I could.  I can do the finish work on this myself ... awl and wood putty work.  Very happy with this progress!

I have also completed the turquoise inlay ... except for the sealant.  Sure do like the way it turned out. I would like to do some more pieces like this for other people.  One per household is enough decor wise I think.  I have some polyurethane around here, but someone suggested a rub on product ... probably make to Lowe's run tomorrow.

It sure is quiet around here.  Three has been in and out a few times.  I think he is enjoying kicking up his heels a bit ... off of house rules.  Moms worry a bit ... .

This morning I have the fillings of an omelette sitting in a heavy skillet under a lid waiting on my husband to rise and shine.  Yesterday I picked up a 2.5 pound bag of not my coffee, and I am adjusting my morning attitude to accommodate that tragedy.  What an unpleasant surprise ... both the strange coffee and the undeniable fact that I am burrowing pretty deep in the little old lady stuck in a rut rut.  I really like my coffee ... lol.  L is snoozing in because he is going to be my travel buddy today ... camp pick up run.


Gosh, it's a gorgeous day here. Green grass and red cardinals ...


The way to love someone is to lightly run your finger over that person's soul until you find a crack, and then gently pour your love into that crack. ~Keith Miller


And during breakfast my husband said the nicest thing ... 
"D, that chest you're working on is a perfect representation of the quote you like ... that banner quote on your blog."
Pretty sweet.

turquoise inlay in old chest ... rocks!

The turquoise came in ... did I mention they have other stone choices also?  I liked the site ... the proprietor seemed like a really decent sort.  He puts in a plug for the same sort of things that I value ... God, Country ... dogs, lol.   Somewhere in the info I gathered the impression that there would be about two teaspoons of "product" ... I ordered two units hoping to be on the safe side.  Now ... I am almost project complete and you can't even tell I've tapped in to one bag.  I thought he was very generous with the amount of material ... exceeded expectations!  Love that.  Pottery teacher and I are talking about sprinkling this in to the bottom of a pot with some clear glaze.  Worth a try.

So ... here is a decent photo of the project.  The middle drawer has received a very light inlay near the lock ... what is left to do requires the chest to lay on it's back facing up.  the top edge and the bottom edge are both a bit raggedy.  I will do a poly rub on this once the stone inlay is complete.

this is a before view of the top right drawer ... the hole is for the drawer pull.

this is a shot of the top ... the inlay is very subtle, maybe I'll see a couple of other place to fill.  I really like the looks of this ... just tickled with the results.

What I don't want to do ... today.

I'm telling myself this will definitely be my last "opportunity" to do ceiling sheet rock.  I'm telling myself when this is done ... and the ceiling is painted and the trim is re attached ... that this room will be done.  This room is telling me that it wants a pool table.  I can do this ... I am procrastinating.  My brother told me that sheet rock dust is good for one's bones.  Yeah, he is making that up.  I wonder how old you have to get to just stop doing stuff you don't want to do.  I wonder if it's going to take a fall ... I don't want to fall.

This morning I picked up my first few little pottery pieces ... the wave one was intentional and I like it.  I actually like all these little guys.  I'm trying to work out the glaze combination I want to use on the big stuff.  My big pots are waiting to be fired ... maybe tomorrow I will put them in the line up for the kiln.  I decided not to spend time at the studio today ... today I will do what I don't want to do ... sand and maybe paint the ceiling in the den.  Tomorrow may be a goof off day ... then Friday, back up to camp on a pick-up run.

done ... 

... And tonight ... I'm like ... Well, with a couple of gin and tonics in me I'm feeling pretty good about whoever doing whatever they think is best. I worked really hard to bring them along and now ... It's their thing. Big dummies ... I was a big dummy myself ... It all works out. I've decided to sit this one out ...

Yes I did Sheetrock today ... Still don't like it. And I got that chest ready for the turquoise delivery. Pretty excited about that solution. I think I can do "it". Tonight I laugh at myself ... Thinking I can do it has been sort of a thing with me. I can do it. I can because I do ... that is the key. Tomorrow, I'm going to mop the floors then ... I'm gonna go throw some pots.

These guys will figure "it" out  ... probably.

"Riding" up to camp ... several hours North of here. 

I chose this picture, taken yesterday from the back seat, because I was thinking about how you teach your children how to "drive" and then ... you let them drive.  It was very pleasant to sit quietly looking at the clouds.  Clouds I understand ... I know what these clouds are saying.

On the way home last night the text chatter between my three oldest (adult) kids informed  me that Three ... dropped his summer schedule, which led to his dad telling him to "basically" get out there and get on with the minimum wage life-style he is choosing for himself.  Family stuff ... . Backseat stuff.  It's a lot harder to let them drive when you don't think they know where they are going.

So ... distressing.  I will find some busy to do today ... maybe sheetrock in the den.  Things that I can do.  These type things are very difficult ... like Wild America locking horns.

JEREMIAH 29:13

And you shall seek me, and find me, when you shall search for me with all your heart.

EXODUS 33:32

And I will take away my hand, and thou shalt see my back parts.

EXODUS 33:11

And the Lord spake to Moses face to face, as a man speaketh to his friend.

EXODUS 33:2

There shall no man see me, and live.

JOHN 1:18

No man hath seen God at any time.

COLOSSIANS 1:15

The invisible God

1  TIMOTHY 6:16

Whom no man hath seen nor can see.

“We must learn to regard people less in the light of what they do or omit to do, and more in the light of what they suffer.”  ~ Bonhoeffer

Dietrich Bonhoeffer ... high on my list of people I'd love to spend some time with.  I spend time with some of the words he left behind, and ... this was a special person.  

I'm thinking, lately, about God.  My husband buddy is uncomfortable with this conversation ("Are you doubting the existence..."), so ... I sit and mess with these thoughts during this time ... blog time. And I remember these words of guidance from Bonhoeffer as I thought about searching for God with one's whole heart ... my heart is becoming more whole.  The very idea of searching for something implies that one believes there is something to be found.  The question is ... How does my belief affect, uh, me?  One way to look at that question is if this were absent how would I respond ... .  A while back, maybe two or three years ago,  I wondered, okay farther back then that and broader ... I wonder why God let's bad stuff happen.  And on a personal level ... why does he let bad stuff happen to me.  I know my own dad would have kept bad stuff from happening.  So ... that question is not unique to me and as simple as it is the answers are complex, perhaps even to the point of being unknowable.  It's easy for me to see why people are messed up ... .  I'm just really glad that I'm able enough to search for God ... relationship with an invisible God.  Pretty weird stuff.  I have a couple of friends who I visit with a bit.  It's tricky business communicating with people at a distance rather then face to face.  Sorta like those sorta friendships, I can't see God ... I can't hear Him ... we have never touched ... I don't have any idea how He might smell, probably doesn't smell like anything right?  I seem to suffer from a lack of information with which to know God.  And ... He spent some time with Adam and Eve but due to circumstances (not beyond His control) I've never seen Him. And, I've said before that I would probably pass flat out if I saw an angel ... I don't doubt that my heart wouldn't be up to seeing God ... I'm happy to wait until I'm dead for that.  So ... no wonder things get confused and misconstrued.  Honestly, Bonhoeffer is on to an excellent idea here, to regard people in light of what they may suffer, rather then their particular failings.  I am happy to have come to a place where I would like to see more of God ... God more as he is rather then who/how I would like for him to be.  What I have suffered was causing my eyes to look towards him wondering why he didn't ...  hmmm, rescue me?, make the pain stop? ... fix stuff?  ... and, I concluded that He was just too busy elsewhere, like maybe He's only big enough to do a zillion things at one time, and my little life was outside His steady care.

The "seeing God" scriptures specifically express two opposing things ... one, that a few people have seen God, and two, that no one can see God  (and/or no one can live after seeing God).  Perfect support for a skeptic's case ... yeah, the scriptures are inconsistent, they are, or is it my understanding of what I'm reading ... could it be me unable to get it?  I can see in my own little life places where two totally opposing things are absolutely true.  I definitely want what I definitely don't want ... both with my whole heart.  

I am freezing but cautious of the heat that melts my frozenness ... unfrozen me would be uncontained.  I am me in my many different states ... all necessarily me, some more or less capable then others.  

What if God is like that (not the less capable part ... the this and that part).  

I see a lake ... people are swimming there, immersed, skiing over the surface of ... electricity is being generated there ... etc, everything lake ... I don't see the water evaporating, I see clouds, I don't see the humidity from which they are formed ... I see ice floating in my water glass ... I don't believe ice can float in less then water, on thin air ... I do know that cirrus clouds are ice ... uh oh ... .  Water is ... pretty much everywhere in several different states, so different in fact, that I don't even think of it as water ... liquid water, gaseous water, solid water ... visible, invisible ... encasing, impermeable ... life sustaining, I could die there. What percentage of me is ... water?

These are my night thoughts.  Just little notes this morning.

I seek the God I've known my entire life ... my expectations about what I will find are slowly dying.  They die in a way that gives life to my faith.  Turned out that God had time for even me ... I couldn't see Him, but now I am certain he was there all along.  

And, did you know that the Bible says one's tears are kept in a vessel.

You number my wanderings: put you my tears into your bottle: are they not in your book? ~Psalm 56:8 I think that means He's see what's going on with us and ... that He cares. I'm okay with invisible yet present.  I can easily see where He has been in my own life, and maybe even more then that.  I trust him.  For now, I float.

Probably because of Father's Day coming up, I have been noticing a small pile of thoughts which seem related to one another though they have arrived from several different directions ... 


One, I was standing at the kitchen sink recently when my husband said, "You think God is like Santa Claus."  I can't remember any thing else around that statement ... it wasn't said within the context of anything, it was as though I came in during the middle of a conversation.  Sometimes he says stuff that doesn't make sense to me ... stuff that seems random, maybe I didn't start listening at the beginning ... idk.  I responded by saying, "No, I do not think God is anything like Santa Claus ... you already know that I don't." That was the entire conversation.  As I participated in it ... what he was thinking before, during, or after ... I don't know.  For me, it was random.  I don't think God is like Santa Claus ... or a benevolent grandfatherly grey haired old dude ... or any of that (I don't even think Santa Claus is like that).  I don't understand much of anything about God ... and what I think I do know, I'm not always so sure about anyway.  God is quite mysterious.

John 14:8-11

⁸ Philip said, “Lord, show us the Father and that will be enough for us.”⁹ Jesus answered: “Don’t you know me, Philip, even after I have been among you such a long time? Anyone who has seen me has seen the Father. How can you say, ‘Show us the Father’? ¹⁰ Don’t you believe that I am in the Father, and that the Father is in me? The words I say to you I do not speak on my own authority. Rather, it is the Father, living in me, who is doing his work. ¹¹ Believe me when I say that I am in the Father and the Father is in me; or at least believe on the evidence of the works themselves.

Scriptures like these seem to me to be the pathway towards ... ummm, seeing God.  There are bunches of things that I don't understand or even hope to understand. And when I say "scriptures like these ..."  I'm not trying to neglect the scriptures which show God in the Old Testament ... I understand that God is pretty fierce ... and tender  ... and ... beyond my capacity.  Not trying to make  an excuse ... it's that I am comfortable with the notion that my eyes aren't big enough to see God.  I have to look at the places where I can see he has been to get a "feel" for Him.  Jesus said ... It is the Father, living in me, who is doing his work.

Two, Someone asked, "What would he think if he found out that God doesn't exist?"  Wow!  What a great question I thought.  So ... I'm busy thinking about that.  The question seems to ask me about my expectations.  The choices I make are in reference to that relationship. A lot of my reality hinges on I AM.  My perceptions of God have influenced my choices (not always towards "good"). I wonder how might I choose differently, outside the perimeters of this relationship. I know I have distortions about God ... . Of course, for me, not believing in a creator is simply not possible, but, it is interesting to examine choices without the guidelines of Christianity or religion, or religious beliefs.  Well ... it's a big question and one I am enjoying looking at.  Who do I believe GOD is.  How do I reference that in my daily doings ... how do my actions find connection to my beliefs.  My dad always said a person will tell you who they are if you let them.  I wonder what my life tells of this core belief.
The someone who asked that question appears to be atheist.  I think God is up to any question any one of us may pose.  


Three, Lately, I've been examining the metaphor of Christ is to "the church" as a husband may be to a wife (and that would go both ways right?  The church behaves towards Christ as a wife may relate to her husband).  I don't want to write about those conclusions here.  I mention it within the context of Father God and Fathers today on Father's Day.  Some people assert that our dad's imprint our expectations of who God is.  That whole deal.  And ... I know my own dad would feel the weight of how short he came to even beginning to set a  model of that relationship.  My dad was more in the we're all in this mess together kind of boat.  Father's Day.


My own dad never presented himself as other then flawed ... and I'm not sure that he would have even said that he was doing his best as he helped raise us. If I learned about the nature of God ... subconsciously ... from time spent with my dad ... hmmm. I've been thinking about that especially these past few weeks.  And, maybe I did overlay some qualities that seem like bedrock to me.  My dad loved us.  He never loved us less, his love for us always grew.  Sometimes he was proud of us ... not always.  Sometimes he was really really glad to spend his time with us ... ummm, not always.  Sometimes he was appalled at our choices ... not always.  Always, he loved us ... always.
And ... my dad rocked empathy.  As an adult and a parent, I think that may be the most remarkable of his character traits.  He was really good at seeing an issue from multiple vantage points.  He was interested in seeing things as the person he was talking to might see them.  He had time for that.  I think God has time for that also.  I think He did make a way for that through Jesus spending time in a human shell ... God made his eyes as small as my own ... in a way.  God walked our path ... He gets us.  He gets us and He still loves us.  Like my dad.




Just a little note here ... When I was tiny, taking my little frettings to my dad ... here, like this:  Tommy took my birthday ring out of my jewelry box and buried it while we were playing pirates ... an now that big dummy can't remember where he buried it ... and now my ring is lost forever ... . Yeah, that really happened. I sat on my dad's lap with little muddy tears sliding down my cheeks and my dad hugged me and said, "I remember when I was a little girl ... ."  Yeah, he always said that. And when I was a little girl I really thought it was possible that my dad was once a little girl.  He really seemed to know exactly how that felt!  As I grew up it became a smile between us.  He "remembered" stuff from my perspective. It made him very easy to talk to about everything ... both, treasures lost and treasures found. I really hope that God is a sweetheart like that. I think he is.