I wound up running out of time on Monday and didn't get my new light fixture installed 'till first thing on Tuesday.  These pendant lights really brighten up the space.  Last week I installed one in our walk in closet and ... voilà ... L said it practically attained dressing room status.  He's not normally enthusiastic like that, may be teasing with me, but ... the light rocks in there and also in the laundry closet (pantry up next). I turned on the dryer so that I could hear which circuit I turned off ... then I realized that my adjacent overhead lighting was still "up".  I was a bit concerned that I might get blown off my perch atop the washing machine ... so decided to just flip the master breaker for that entire portion of the house.  Uh ... turned out to not be a great plan!  Turned out to discombobulate the WiFi connection in the house ... which turned in to one of those extended conversations with a trouble shooting machine before a consult with a very smart kid in Kentucky who was having major sinus problems.  He discovered that  have a 15mg modem on   a 30 mg server.  No wonder stuff loads slow!  He also helped me get rid of the desktop computer that no one uses ... I thought the router had to be connected to it, but turns out all I need there is a modem ... and the box store had them combined in one device which was news to me as well.  We replaced only the modem ... totally worth the hassle and expense.  We also saw some gizmo that will provide central storage for all the stuff on every one's devices and we'll be able to share our libraries a lot more readily ... all the phones, all the laptops, all the iPads ... we're dotting all the "i's".  I'm not a fan of storing in the iCloud.

The funny thing about that new fixture ... there is not a switch to that outlet!  It was actuated with one of those pull chains!  I don't know how to link an outlet to a wall switch ... for now I am unscrewing the bulb.  I thought to use a cord with a switch on it, but there's no way to thread it though the actual fixture.  Ummm ... thinking about this, and it looks like a job for a real electrician! Fortunately the closets and the pantry have switch plates that actuate with the opening of a door, so all other possible lighting  upgrades are good to go.
From right here in the dining room I can see the birds have found the feeder.  Pretty sweet. It's far enough from those nests, but still where I can see it.  I like.



Sammy and I walked five miles yesterday.  He didn't bark a bit last night.  Maybe he has been missing our walks as much as I have.

Spring is bursting at the seams around here.  Yesterday I worked mostly outside and there is a huge pile of shrub scrapes waiting to be picked up.  In Texas we had to take our own yard debris some where ... here they pick up trash, recyclables, and yard stuff every week. (I'm trying to think of all the things I like about "around here"!)  Here's a view down the street ... lots trees, nice sidewalk, biking path.  I had to tell my buddy girl back home that we aren't heading that way.  It's kinda funny how things go.  Husband is "tickled pink" about this opportunity.  It would be unkind, ungracious ... umm, maybe the word is bitchy, for me to rain on his parade with my disappointments.  I'm really trying to get myself re-booted with this ... it's like I'm the bummed out WiFi router that all my loves count on to sparkle their happy through ... they count on me to be "up".  I did a life strategy that I'm not liking ... I deferred something, I don't even know what to call it, for these big deal things I thought were sure things.  Sacrifice for a later payoff ... deferred gratification.  And ... I'm sure that's what we all do ... yeah, pretty sure.  But ... where I think I made a big mistake was in putting all my eggs in those baskets.  I think I see myself doing that just in general.  I go all in. Or ... not at all.  It's kinda extreme.  I'm starting to see that other approaches may be even more satisfying overall.  I tend to super focus ... with my important stuff, people and plans.  I think I would like to be more permeable ... more come and go ... .   I noticed that trait about myself this past year.  Somebody suggested a novel idea which was interesting  to me and I just couldn't really commit until it was offered as a longterm kind of thing ... I saw that I don't feel comfortable with little commitments ... like people seem to do ... like, let's get together for lunch ...  hangout ...  that sort of thing is easy to take a pass on.  Little commitments have seemed like clutter ... like they are not worth the time.  But ... I'm starting to realize how enriching those smaller tastings can be.  Smaller tastings can inform your whole palette.  All of a sudden you can discover that you really like pistachio gelato ... and maybe who knows what else, but you better get busy looking for it 'cause no one's gonna do that for you.   Hmmm ... like that trip with my daughter's class to the aquarium.  I would never just go there because I wanted to,  I would go only in support of one of the kids, or as a family outing. It's just never occurred to me that I can follow my fancy on some things.  If/when there is no penalty to what is truly important to me and ... it has the potential to make my own little life a lot more pleasant.  I can't see a way to do as much flying as I would like to do, but ... I can find other things to do that I enjoy ... I don't have to defer all pleasures for later.  It's silly to do so.
This morning I made a lunch date with a mom who has recently relocated to here.  Our daughters hang out ... I think I would maybe like her.  I know I'm having lunch at my favorite local place (and that something to look forward to may be good enough).  I'm really trying to figure this stuff out.

~ NASA 13 January 2012
I like the black and white of it
I like the empty and full of it, the something and nothing...
the something that's not much of anything and the nothing that really is something quite amazing
I like it.

     “But of all other stupendous inventions, what sublimity of mind must have been his who conceived how to communicate his most secret thoughts to any other person, though very far distant, either in time or place? And with no greater difficulty than the various arrangement of two dozen little signs upon paper? Let this be the seal of all the admirable inventions of man.”
 ~ Galileo Galilei



     “Philosophy is written in that great book which ever lies before our eyes ... We cannot understand it if we do not first learn the language and grasp the symbols in which it is written. The book is written in the mathematical language ... without whos.”
 ~ Galileo Galilei

Mr. Golden Sun!

Sunshine was drenching the dining room this morning ... I knew it was going to be a wonderful day.  One of the girls asked if we had a time change over the weekend.  It was so nice to see the big blue sky, I think my house might have been right at the center of a big H.  I would be happy to walk pretty much all day on days like this ... still would like to walk the trail for a month at a time.  We'll see.  Sammy was ready to roll ... uh, stroll ... too.  He's due for a bath, so I let him have his way with the creek.

Pine pollen will be everywhere in the next few weeks ... 

These other things are blooming in our yard.

Don't know the name of this shrub, but it's a favorite for sure ... the foliage ranges through this Spring green through deep eggplant purples and maroons in the winter.  I planted these last spring where I pulled the stickier Holly bushes out.  Really pleased with these.

Forsythia ... out near the street.  It blooms only during the Spring.  Very cheery.

Redbud tree.  These gorgeous little blooms don't last long, but this is one of my favorite ornamentals.  Heart shaped leaves, and it grows well under the pines.

Tulip tree ... every year that we've lived here we have gotten one more hard frost right after the tulip trees bloom ... I'm holding off on planting our tomatoes and peppers just in case!

Typical Monday

8-9:30 get everyone off to their day ...
restock bird feeders
Empty dishwasher
Shirts to laundry
930- 11:00 walk dog

Lunch with L

To do today:
=>Set pedometer
Clean refrigerator and straighten pantry
Clean chalkboard wall
Mop kitchen/brkfst rms
Den and ... Laundry
Run w/d one load ... two loads ...
=>Front windows!
Front yard lights
Clean boys bathroom ... laundry curtains ... three loads
Girls bathroom.
=>Hang new laundry room fixture!
Duvet needs laundry time soak ... four loads!
 Tidy den                                                        
* Grocery list: PAM spray
Frozen biscuits (veg tarts)
Red/yellow peppersG
Grn onion
Box lime gelatin
Pineapple canned
Summer squash
Can green chili
cottage cheese (mini quiches)
Cocktail toothpicks (world market)
Bottle store

Drawer project

Dinner = chicken

Next up...
Door to linen closet
Door to boys bathroom (sand in place)

Almost every morning I make a to do list ... it helps me organize the day ... so ... today I see the house stuff, the from the car stuff, and the down time walking the dog.  The drawer is the most pressing house thing ... because I really don't want to do it.  I'll dump the contents of the "junk drawer" and my kitchen gadgets drawer out on the table ... so I know I'll have to get them put back together.  I will really like being able to find my citrus zester ... my meat thermometer  ... the olive jar tines.  I luva me some orderly!

Now it's time to prepare lunch ... I've gotten a lot done.   Still have bathrooms and from the car stuff to do.  I'll probably leave my drawer opened all day 'cause every time I walk by there I smile.

Door sanding for later today ... little bit now and then gets it done! 

Video: A Murmuration of Starlings - The Atlantic

screen shot ... this is very cool

Video: A Murmuration of Starlings - The Atlantic

Orchid

A few fierce cells rushed though here last night ... it's good to have a strong roof overhead.  There's something about rain ... something about stormy weather ... oh, I love the rainy nights, I love to hear the thunder, watch the lightning when it lights up the sky, you know it makes me feel good ... .  Cocooned, I love to look out at it.  I like weather ... it fascinates me to see the planet spinning her multi-layered attire.  This soft morning finds last night's red boxed convective sigmets  drip dropping steady from the eaves ... falling like fingers on an Steinway.

I have a new orchid on the table in the foyer.  It was a nice surprise from my husband.  Everything about an orchid is ... perfect.  My little girl asked me where I was going to set it,  and I wondered where she would choose.  She specified three different places in our home ... laughing I agreed ...  we will  be moving it all around  so we can enjoy it as much as possible.  I love having an orchid  in the house.  My little cyclamen didn't fare well this year ... I'm keeping the house cooler then those babies prefer.

Today ... door project on hold due to high humidity!  I'm sure I'll find something to do ... .  This pantry door was the most labor intensive so far.  I guess it swings open even more frequently then the refrigerator! I didn't paint over the "growth chart" ticking the years.  It's sweet.  If I had that to do over again, I would secure a nice wooden yardstick three feet above the floor ... we'd make our notes of initials and dates on that rather then the door frame.  My kids have loved monitoring their height ... hard to paint over that!

At the end of March I get to spend a day at the Battleship Memorial Park in Mobile.   The battleship USS Alabama is docked there and even cooler ... tons of airplanes are on static display.  I am pretty excited about the trip.  My husband will be working so I get to wander around all by myself.  Last time we were there he shepherded our two oldest children around the ship while Three and I hung out ashore ... I was huge pregnant with Four and simply couldn't chase a three year old up and down those narrow stairways for more then the first couple hours aboard!   After banging my head a couple of times he and I found other things to look at ... that child was such a fearless little thing ... and fast!   His antics have stopped my heart a few times over the years!  It will be a lot of fun for me to go back for a visit without a diaper bag.  We get to ride the ferry ... silly how much I love that, and visit a Fort down there on the coast.  It's really cool, but I can't recall the name of it right now.  Then I think we'll spend a couple days on the beach.  I can't remember being at the coast with out at least two of our children.  I'm interested to see what places that don't serve chicken tenders and fries are like!

Another thing I'm looking forward to doing is visiting the planetarium in Atlanta.  I never have thought about doing things that I like by myself, but there is absolutely no reason not to. ... C and I want to ride that "Screaming Eagle" zip line ... still haven't gotten to that, but she's definitely my go to buddy for stuff like that.

Well, I better go actually do something ... the day's getting away!

found photo (idk)

Last night Sammy barked pretty much all night.  He barked himself hoarse.  I kept on thinking surely he will go lay down any minute now, but ... I wound up parking him in his crate and putting a quilt over it around 0400ish ... still he barked.  It's the light rain ... as it falls to the ground, dripping down the leaves, plinking noises of who knows what ... putting him on active alert.   Sammy is asleep now, passed out on the back porch with his belly showing.  Finally the rain became rain.  The sky is grey-white with it.   I haven't looked at the weather yet, but I know here locally we will take a soaking today.  Being awake most of the night (my ear is soppy again too) gave me time to reflect on what I wrote about yesterday.



Maybe I am too tired to feel annoyed this morning.  This morning I just feel grateful that I can get the day started with a cup of delicious coffee.  I can count on that and I realize that most of the planet probably can't.  I could sit right here all day long if I wanted to ... reading about the wonders of our known universe, trying to work out the correct pronunciation for the names of stars, trying to sort out which constellation is where and when I might hope to see it from here.   If I do get out today I will shop for a new shower curtain for the bathroom where I removed the glass sliding doors last week.  The tile and porcelain underneath is refurbished and looking good.  Right now I don't have to worry about the same kind of stuff that a lot of people have to worry about.  Truth is ... we are very blessed.

Soon we will celebrate the birthday of one of my sons ... a son who reminds me of my dad.  He favors him physically,  dark Welsh good looks and mischievous pale blue eyes,  potentially a fortunate roll of the genetic dice.  Good looks can be a curse, but I think this one wears them lightly.  There was a day in his childhood that I smile to remember ... overcast like today ... he and I  stood at the window looking out in to our back yard.  Some birds were bathing in the up turned lid of his sand box and I made a quick dash through the house for my camera.  When I got back for the shot, the birds were long gone and my toddler was sitting, naked as a jaybird, smack dab in the middle of that green saucer with a huge smile on his little baby boy face.  I love that picture.  Maybe he will too some day.  Now he is a man.  I used to scoop him up in a hug, careful not to squeeze him too tight.  Now when he hugs me I feel his strength.  I can look in to his face and see him all the way back to those first few moments.  I was afraid to be a mother.  Somehow he communicated to me that I wasn't going to have to figure it out all by myself.
That's what relationships are to me.  Some I hold close ... some I'm careful not to squeeze too tight ... some I lean into needing to feel strength ... lives overlap and are shared.
I've been thinking about relationships a lot lately ... lately being especially this last year or so.

I paused in my musings this morning to take a call from my brother.  Perfect timing, as usual with him.  He is making the arrangements to move our mom nearer to his home.  She has agreed that it's time.  So ... we discussed that.  We did the follow up talk on something important we were talking about last week ... he apologized for dumping some of his private stuff on me and I said don't worry about it.  I have come to realize this past year that I should have known I could talk to him about some of my own stuff.  Who on the planet loves me and mine more than him and yet might be able to maintain an objective view.  I've needed advice on occasion that he coulda helped me with had I asked.  I would say that he knows my character as well as anyone ... including where the flaws lurk.  Last summer we spent some time together ... out walking and talking ... he is one of my best friends.

What I  realized last night is that spending as much time alone as I  do is encouraging  me to spend too much time thinking about myself.  I think that's a huge mistake.  I've seen how that can evolve to just plain ole selfishness ... where everything revolves around that person.  It's not pretty.  I am very fortunate that I have several important others in my life ... and ... I need to find a place where I can contribute.  I should be praying about that.  I like time alone and the peace and quiet is really good, but I need to be careful not to get side tracked in to fretting about this or that ... it's foolishness really.

I'm trying to figure out how this time in my life can be best spent.  I'm trying to figure out how to be "good" at this ... I can see so much to be thankful for.  That's what I'm reading up on right now, cause I also see a lot of women in situations similar to mine that just get more and more self-centered and less and less "happy".  I see a lot of women like me wasting away, and it doesn't have to be like that I think.

penelopetrunk.com "your family would be better off with a housewife so would mine"  A little article about housewifery statistics

and this excerpt  fromThe Feminine Mystique: Chapter 1 "The Problem that Has No Name" Betty Friedan:
There was much sympathy for the educated housewife. ("Like a two-headed schizophrenic . . . once she wrote a paper on the Graveyard poets; now she writes notes to the milkman. Once she determined the boiling point of sulphuric acid; now she determine s her boiling point with the overdue repairman....The housewife often is reduced to screams and tears.... No one, it seems, is appreciative, least of all herself, of the kind of person she becomes in the process of turning from poetess into shrew.")
...
The problem was also dismissed with drastic solutions no one could take seriously,. (A woman writer proposed in Harper's that women be drafted for compulsory service as nurses' aides and baby-sitters.) And it was smoothed over with the age-old panaceas: "love is their answer," "the only answer is inner help," "the secret of completeness--children," "a private means of intellectual fulfillment," "to cure this toothache of the spirit--the simple formula of handling one's self and one's will over to God."1

Being busy flying airplanes was supposed to leap-frog me over figuring this stuff out! 

Well ... for today ... I traded in my pedicure money for 12 very attractive little clear glass "tastings"or tapas bowls. Already like that choice better. If my family loves what I'm going to serve in these I may go back later for the ceramic ones (cause they can go in the oven for hot tidbits) ... I am planning on preparing a dinner party quality meal at least once a week.  I am a good cook.  What I'm trying to do is step away from the tried and true family favorites towards a culinary adventure ... ummm, slightly less then that, but towards that.   I'm excited about what I'm going to make, and I'm excited about providing a nice surprise.

patience = persevere

Patience noun

1.

the quality of being patient,  as the bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation, or the like.

2.

an ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay: to have patience with a slow learner.

3.

quiet, steady perseverance; even-tempered care; diligence: to work with patience.

Uh oh ... there is one of those words ... protect, trust, hope, persevere ... love.

So, I'm thinking about how amazingly patient I really am then I read the definition and look at some Bible references and some cultural references and I see that I am very patient in some areas and not so very patient in others.  That feeling I was describing was basically free floating annoyance, aka grumpiness.

the idea of delay ... I don't have any plans.  that's what the burn is ... when I feel good about what I think is going on I can handle the everyday stuff that we all deal with ... I think I'm doing a good job with that.  It's this series of disappointments and then on top of that not knowing what I should do ... not knowing what I'm doing ... not doing anything ... it creeps me out.

well ... obviously I need to do some thinking here ... 

Talking to husband about this ... this idea of a Master's in something. He is basically okay with it. Sure, whatever. He suggested I learn autocad stuff to be a person who helps people visualize what they are building. He knows I am good at spacial stuff and at seeing what isn't yet there. That would be a self taught thing (which I know I have the self discipline to accomplish, but I'd like some company ... that's a consideration for me) it would be a cottage industry type thing. He says my clients would be home builders and people wanting to add on to their homes. He suggests that I could start with an addition to our home. I know he is trying to help, but it just makes me feel aggravated for some reason. I tell him I'm not looking for another wall to beat my head against (yeah, I said it a lot nicer then that), and besides ... two more of our kids should be out of the house, up and running, in a year and space won't be at such a premium.  I seem to be digging in on a detached study with room for a pool table.   He suggests that I gather some of the documentation etc that he needs for one of his projects. He has so little time and if I want some kinda graduate assistant type thing he has plenty of stuff I can do. And ... now I am really getting aggravated. It's not that I don't want to help him, it's that I feel this particular project is ill-advised and have said so ... and have clearly stated my reasons ... yet, he continually approaches this like we've never discussed it before. He has a master plan formulating and my words of caution don't make contact. I've seen this before, my husband totally rocks long term planning ... chinking away at the resistance like a glacier cutting through layers and layers of strata.  I tell him I will do the research and brief the findings, but I won't "stick my nose in". I ask him specifically what he wants me to do and he says just be patient ... this isn't exactly the time.  Basically I said okay, and he replied ... not now, later, definitely later.

I'm not a big fan of patient. I can be patient with people and especially with my loves, but I struggle with patient in general. Patience is said to be a virtue. I may need to look in to that again. I can actually feel it ... impatience ... coursing along through me, is it in my bloodstream, the muscles? Maybe it's neurological because I feel it pinging my brain and it's not pleasant.

a-100-year-study-to-lay-plans-for-interstellar-travel   Pretty cool.  I read it yesterday, and I'd like to keep an eye on it.

This is the thing about patience ... it's like sitting and watching time run out.  I think I feel that way because I don't have a goal of my own that I'm working on.  Everything I have on my plate is a day at a time sort of thing ... I stretched today towards Friday when I have planned a pedicure (on a walk in basis).   I just don't like it.  This morning some kid wanted to shoot by in traffic and I thought ... there he is again 350HP with an ass holding the reigns ... normally I'm not so grumpy, but I have been lately.  The other day I told L that I was getting pretty tired of being the toilet bowl cleaner who swishes everyone's poop outta the back of the toilet.  He asked me which bathroom which only made me grumpier ... I shrug and scowl ... I bluster, but I don't really know what else to do.  Ummm, that's not working ... lol.  You know, you sit tight, patiently doing what is supposed to be "your part" and you think if you play honorably things will go as they should.  And then you find out that not everyone uses the same playbook.  Well ... enough of that.  The floors are looking really good.  The kids are on track ... everyone is doing really great.  I need to be looking at "thankfuls" not things that flip my switch.  I'll do a look at patience later today.

It's been wet outside today ... low overcast with a steady light shower.  When it's really raining my dog snoozes easy on the back porch, or bumps the window hoping to get my attention, hoping I'll let him in the house.  This drip dropping rain keeps him awake.  He can't see it.  He hears it rustling the high pines, and the dogwoods and red buds canopied below.  He can't figure it out ... sounds like it could possible be trouble out in the woods.  He is certain that it is his job to let me know ... even if it means waking the neighbors who have earned the privilege of sleeping in.  They assure me that Sammy doesn't bother them, and I think to myself that they probably sleep with their hearing devices on the bedside table ... He barks when there is a reason, and the reasons are his own.  He and I are back to our walking routine but I thought maybe to skip it this morning.  Getting out in this type weather would definitely require me to come right home and wash my hair ... which wouldn't be that big a deal if I hadn't blown the blow dryer out the other day.  What turned in to a wad of hair got sucked in to the intake and wound up tight  around the fan ... uh do-hickey, I think it's called.  Yeah ... a mess.  With four women in the house we definitely needed a new blow dryer asap. I selected this one and I think the mesh protecting the intake will stay put.  I just got through reading the pamphlet that came with it.  Don't drop it in the bath tub and don't let your hair get sucked in to the intake.  Good to go.  Anyway ... walking him meant I had to go find a dryer, but the girls have been patient with me as it is.  We made it through Sunday with the most often used electrical gadget  not in the house.  I thought maybe if I got him out in the weather he would put two and two together on where the noise was coming from.  I'm not sure that he even knew he was wet even though we had enough precip to warrant brightly colored umbrellas among the other walkers.  Everyone wants us to stop as we pass by so that they can visit with Sambones.  About midway through the walk I decided to start jogging with him.  He liked it.  I liked it too.  I'm not in great shape for all the up and down terrain around here, but I think I will start running him on the down hills.
 I am still cleaning grout in the breakfast room.  Looking really good.  I wake up in the morning thinking about how good it looks.  Last night I dreamed that I had a gallon jug of sealant (and I think I really do ... out in the garage).  That's what pushed me over the edge on getting out to run in the rain, and go buy a new blow dryer afterwards ... I want to blow dry the grout and seal it immediately before a big dog has time to track nasty inside.  Which reminds me ... I am learning about comets and meteorites right now.  This author, Dr. Stephen Maran, said each of us has at least two particles of space debris in our hair right now.  I love the idea of that.  Dr. Carl Sagan was quoted as saying, well let me go find that real quick ... Symphony of Science  ... made me laugh before it got old ... (found this also but still looking "Human beings have a demonstrated talent for self-deception when their emotions are stirred."  from Cosmos/ Sagan  ... uh, true that)

“The cosmos is within us. We're made of star-stuff. We are a way for the universe to know itself.”
― Carl Sagan

There we go.  He says we are made of star-stuff. Star stuff ...I like it.  I believe we were created by the creator of the stars ... and His signature is apparent on all his stuff.  I like the quote.  I simply interpret the common fingerprint through a different filter.

“The world is so exquisite with so much love and moral depth, that there is no reason to deceive ourselves with pretty stories for which there's little good evidence. Far better it seems to me, in our vulnerability, is to look death in the eye and to be grateful every day for the brief but magnificent opportunity that life provides.” 
― Carl Sagan

I admire the late Carl Sagan.   And I certainly agree wholeheartedly with this statement: "... in our vulnerability ... to look death in the eye and be grateful every day for the brief but magnificent opportunity that life provides."  Truly genius.  So much of what he left behind stands strong.  When I hear the question "If you could have lunch with anyone living or dead ... who would it be?"  Carl Sagan is on the short list.  Another comes immediately to mind also.

...yeah ... star-stuff particles on my scalp ... blow dryer ... all that.  Ummm ... I think I am going to have to find something to engage me.  The floor scouring ... I like it, but I'm thinking I have all this time in front of me (umm maybe, that's an assumption) what am I going to do with myself for the next several years.  Part of why I love flying and flight training (either side of it) is because there is so much cool stuff to learn.  It keeps on giving you opportunities to engage.  So ... I have always enjoyed learning about stuff and I wonder if I would like taking classes specifically for some Master's program, and if I did, what would it be in?  I like science and history ... I like literature and architecture ... I'm interested in nutrition ... .  I started graduate school in Architecture back in the day.  I should get my master's in something ... maybe.  In the meanwhile ... I am pioneering in what an active retirement might look like.

The tragedy of life is in what dies inside a man while he lives - the death of genuine feeling, the death of inspired response, the awareness that makes it possible to feel the pain or the glory of other men in yourself.~ Norman Cousins

This note isn't more wanking about not getting to instruct.
 In a weird way, I am grateful that something tangible, and so very important to me while at the same time not so big a deal (like I want to but I don't need to ... it's not a survival thing at all) ... something tangible has not gone as I hoped it would.  This gives me an opportunity to look at something which I place(d) a lot of importance on/in ... spent many life moments on building something special and I don't really know where to go with it from here, but ... I know IT has value to me still ... even if it were to sit dormant like violin lessons have.  So, what I'm stumbling through thinking and writing about this morning isn't at all about flying. It's an issue, but not this issue.  I will always fly.


I've been trying, in my life, to create other areas which are special.  We all do that.  We do it with relationships and aspects within those relationships, we do that with our work: our life work, with important pastimes ... I guess we do that wherever we ascribe importance.  And ... I don't know how anyone else approaches this, but I am pretty careful about where, what, who, all that I let become very important to me.   I don't necessarily admire that quality because it's opposite to one of the traits I admire most in others (like H) ... it's like the line to care and not care.
...
Because these wings are no longer wings to fly
But merely vans to beat the air
The air which is now thoroughly small and dry
Smaller and dryer than the will
Teach us to care and not to care
Teach us to sit still. (Ash Wednesday ~ TS Eliot)


So, in this private area that has nothing to do with flying ... flying stuff informs me.  In that private area I am sorely tempted to let something die.  And ... that really goes against my grain, because whether I like it or not, it is important.  Smaller and drier then the will ... I get it.  I try to make this thing right, fan a flame, but ... am unable ... and I want to care and not to care ... I am learning to sit still.  Wow, I hadn't realized it quite like that.  Still is all around me and I hadn't seen it till just now.  I was saying that flying stuff might be a good analogy for looking at to see this other thing which is more difficult to grapple with, but now I am realizing that all those little and big life vignettes may well fit in to the same bucket: 


To Care and Not To Care ... To Sit Still.


The same "Still" that I was thinking about back in November 2010.  


Man, I must be a really slow cooker!

70/1000 Hope

Just as there is no loss of basic energy in the universe, so no thought or action is without its effects, present or ultimate, seen or unseen, felt or unfelt. ~ Norman Cousins

~found Photo (idk)

What if the map which was modge-podged to these eggs was really a rendering of where the baby bird would be able to travel to once it began to fly.  I like this image because of that thought.  

Something is being hatched, eventually, it will go somewhere. "It" will become an action.

Recalling The Prayer of Jebez, (here it is :

And Jabez called on the God of Israel saying, "Oh, that You would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evil, that I may not cause pain." So God granted him what he requested.

I Chronicles 4:10 NKJV)

prompted me to think of that. ... and, what if rather then a bird, an idea, or an attitude, or ... a golden moment, was being (what's the bird word? ... oh  I bet there is one, or several ...), was inside the egg maturing for the day it would begin pecking through the shell, and growing everything that happens behind that wide open baby beak ... preparing for flight from the nest.  Jabez asked for more. More ... shoreline, more territory ... more area. Seems like he's acknowledging that he has a "place", but is willing to handle even more.  

That your hand would be with me ... .  Hands.  I like noticing the hands.  Hands are one of my favorite things to see about a person.  And, you can know a lot about how someone is by how they move their hands, how they hold things, through touch they communicate how they do things even when they are unable to express why.  I am not praying the prayer of Jabez, but I am wondering about God's hand.  His hand touching me ... my hand reaching for his.


... and that you would keep me from evil, that I may not cause pain.   


It sounds  like Jabez is asking for more range while being mindful that he wants to stay near to God's ... near at hand ... close enough for God to steer him away from evil, or protect him from evil.  It is sweet that he is mindful that his actions may cause pain, and he wants to avoid that.  Actions and intentions don't always mesh.  Actions sometimes produce un-intended outcomes.


The birds are definitely back in the nests in the rose vine.  Pretty soon I will see the first sign of buds and then over night the air will burst with the smell of their perfume and soon after that, baby birds will be chirping and maybe I will get to see them fly out again this year.  Hope so.  I like the idea of something new developing, emerging ... . 

~ found image (idk)

I am thankful for those birds.  I'm thankful for the possibility of good things taking flight ... ranging about.  And ... I'm thinking about how gratitude may be nurtured, just like a baby bird, and maybe that was a little bit about what Jabez was thinking about when he prayed his prayer.   Maybe he hoped to send whatever hatched from the eggs in his "rose vine" out ... and maybe he hoped they could fly far from his sight and still be safe in God's hand.  I hope my thoughts, whatever notions I am nurturing, will be stuff that doesn't cause pain ... and it seems like Jabez has figured out that as long as God's hands are involved, that it will be  ... good.  Good in God's good hands.  Not as easy as it sounds. 

"It may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird: it would be a jolly sight harder for it to learn to fly while remaining an egg. We are like eggs at present. And you cannot go on indefinitely being just an ordinary, decent egg. We must be hatched or go bad."~ C.S.Lewis

Bucket list additions

Big Sur

Puget Sound

~ both are found images
wow
must visit

A few notes on Roethke

~ found image (idk)

In 1995, the Seattle alley between Seventh and Eighth Avenues N.E. running from N.E. 45th Street to N.E. 47th Street was named Roethke Mews in his honor. It adjoins the Blue Moon Tavern, one of Roethke's haunts. 


The Waking

I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I feel my fate in what I cannot fear.
I learn by going where I have to go.
We think by feeling. What is there to know?
I hear my being dance from ear to ear.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
Of those so close beside me, which are you?
God bless the Ground! I shall walk softly there,
And learn by going where I have to go.
Light takes the Tree; but who can tell us how?
The lowly worm climbs up a winding stair;
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
Great Nature has another thing to do
To you and me, so take the lively air,
And, lovely, learn by going where to go.
This shaking keeps me steady. I should know.
What falls away is always. And is near.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I learn by going where I have to go.

From The Far Field ... excerpt
(II)
...
I suffered for young birds, for young rabbits caught in the mower,
My grief was not excessive.
For to come upon warblers in early May
Was to forget time and death:
...

(III)
The river turns on itself,
The tree retreats into its own shadow.
I feel a weightless change, a moving forward
As of water quickening before a narrowing channel
...
I am renewed by death, thought of my death,
The dry scent of a dying garden in September,
The wind fanning the ash of a low fire.
What I love is near at hand,
Always, in earth and air.

(IV)
...

All finite things reveal infinitude:
The mountain with its singular bright shade
Like the blue shine on freshly frozen snow,
The after-light upon ice-burdened pines;
Odor of basswood on a mountain-slope,
A scent beloved of bees;
Silence of water above a sunken tree :
The pure serene of memory in one man, --
A ripple widening from a single stone
Winding around the waters of the world.

and this which seems ... unfinished, a washed-out interrupted raw place

Journey into the Interior

In the long journey out of the self,
There are many detours, washed-out interrupted raw places
Where the shale slides dangerously
And the back wheels hang almost over the edge
At the sudden veering, the moment of turning.
Better to hug close, wary of rubble and falling stones.
The arroyo cracking the road, the wind-bitten buttes, the canyons,
Creeks swollen in midsummer from the flash-flood roaring into the narrow valley.
Reeds beaten flat by wind and rain,
Grey from the long winter, burnt at the base in late summer.
-- Or the path narrowing,
Winding upward toward the stream with its sharp stones,
The upland of alder and birchtrees,
Through the swamp alive with quicksand,
The way blocked at last by a fallen fir-tree,
The thickets darkening,
The ravines ugly.

~ found image (idk)

So ... I was thinking about G ... rolling in the deep so to speak, I mean, the child doesn't know how to swim, not really.  She puts on her little pink water wings ... her floaties ... and starts wading in to water that practically had ice floating in it ... we are five days later and I still have a chill from it.  She really enjoyed it.  I know how that is.

I say flight training is the shallow end of the pool.  The end where the steps are ... one wades in and splashes around, perhaps dreaming of having enough stroke to make it to the flight levels.

I never had any intention of doing anything but instructing ... over in the wading pool.  I love just getting wet. It's fun to splash in the water ... and help someone realize how natural floating on one's back is, or working on the basics ... foundations that everything is build on.  I love the primacy of it ... and where it can take a person and how you always come back to that ... it needs to be right.  It is enough for me.  I came to it late, but I went all in ... no choice, I had found my thing.

That's what time with G helped me remember.  So, for her it didn't matter that it was a dinky little hotel pool ... frigid ... lacking in amenities (even the towels were as skimpy as an flight instructor's paycheck).  She made more the the most of it ... she made it great. I wish you coulda heard her ... .

Today, a stranger who visits this blog sent a note ... it basically said...


Something I wanted to say to you after reading one of your posts. There are about 600,000 active pilots in the U.S. less than half are female. I would think less than a quarter. Out of that there are very few commercial female pilots and even fewer female instructors. So that makes you a part of a very, very small group of people. I think that's cool. Just wanted to say that. ... (Instructors) don't seem to really be into passing on their knowledge. I went through 5 instructors to get my private pilot certificate. I practically had to beg to get them to fly with me. I finally found a (half way instructor) to ride along with me. I say ride because he sure didn't teach me anything. Most times I had to repeat the controllers commands because he didn't understand them. Very sad. 

A book I'm reading right now would say the timing isn't right for you but if you really want it, it will happen.

Nice note ... came on a good day as I was already thinking about how doing what you love is a real treat ... I loved learning all that stuff ... yeah, really, all of it.  I love that I know that stuff.  I love that stuff ... not that I am a pilot, but that I am capable of being ... that I rock a lot of it.  I love to fly and I would love to help someone towards that.  

I think I owe it to myself to keep my knowledge up.  Just 'cause I don't have anywhere to pour it out doesn't mean I can't keep on filling myself with it.  

I don't want to want stuff I can't have. But ... I have this.  This is mine.  It was a lot of work.  I can't see around the corner in life, but I should do what I love to the extent that I am able to.  Timing.  Hmmm.   

69/1000

That is a happy face.

These few moments in the hotel pool were my very favorite moments of the recent trip to B'ham.


The water was FREEZING ... like, my skin turned bluish freezing.  That wasn't the good part.  Well, let me start at the beginning of this...
I thought there was a pretty good chance that little miss hadn't been inside a hotel before, maybe she would like the dime tour  ... turned out true.  I also hoped that she would want to go swimming in the middle of the winter.  She did. This is my good friend H's little girl ... she would tell you that she is almost four ... she would tell you a lot of things and ask you a lot of things too.  The child ... rocks.  I am not one of those women who really want to spend time with children.  Liking, loving really, time with  my own children actually has been one of the two biggest surprise of my life, and I'm old enough to have had a few!  Up until this visit friend's child and I hadn't actually connected.  She likes her G'momma (also a friend) or my daughter C (who she thinks looks like a barbie doll) or ... mostly her momma (really mostly her dad!).  She's just growing up, and ready to experiment with adding more people to her life.  I was happy when she liked the idea of swimming.  I didn't expect to get in with her ... and I can't thank her enough for the joy that those moments soaked in to my soul.

I'm sitting on the side of the pool on a towel chatting with H ... and, I know we have to at least put our feet in.  Boy is the water cold.  H is under doctor's orders to stay out of the pool (so she says tucking her feet up under her ... cozy ... toasty like).  Little miss steps right in holding on to the rail ... and squeals as she leaps out ... and in, and out, and back in for the next several minutes.  She splashes her momma and we all laugh.  I am hoping she doesn't splash me, I can feel cold shivers running up my spine.  She tells me she is almost four.  There are four steps to reach the floor of the pool.  "Can you count to four?" I ask, and she begins counting, slowly, in the sweetest little Southern child voice I've ever heard.  Did I mention she has the most beguiling golden topaz eyes? She adds counting to the delightful (really) squealing and giggling ... it's infectious.  I ask her if she can count the steps as she wades in ... she is not too sure about the deep water.  She isn't confident that the pink water wings will work as well as they did during the summer.  I coax her to hold on to the rail, but she isn't having any of that.  She thinks we should both step in, but I try telling her that the water is way too cold for old ladies.  I tell her that old ladies have really thin skin (I guess like it stretches out over our old bones or something), and she looks at me so intently ... she's thinking about it and I am pretty sure she's gonna bite ... then a tiny smile pulls it's way up to sparkle her eyes and she says, "I don't think so."  I love love love a child who is willing to think.  Before she is exhausted by the chattering of her little teeth and the popping up of goose bumps all over her sweet skin, she has me in the pool swirling her around on the life preserver and zooming her towards the wall for a kick off ... all this while laughing and sweetly conversing.

Her momma got her to thinking about how nice a warm bath would be.  Thank goodness I had an apple in my bag, 'cause the girl was hungry after all that ... still giggly, she wanted me to see how long her hair is when it's wet, and by the way, Fuji is also her favorite, but she doesn't think she likes jellybeans.  She has a little piece of my heart.

Soooo ... a little soaking wet bit of a girl, almost four, with sparkle pink fingernails and toe nails ... and all of her baby teeth shining in her smiles reminded me of something that I wish I hadn't forgotten.

It's a treat to get to do something you love to do ... doesn't really matter if the conditions are less then, it's still a treat.  This child brings some serious joy with her.  It radiates from her pores.   She is all in with it.  She laughed at that cold water ... didn't let it stop her from the adventure ... and she got me re-focused too.  There was nothing more important then helping her feel safe enough to venture away from the steps.  And while I very gently pulled her through the water in a big lazy eight pattern, she laid her head back and softly sang Jesus Loves Me.

67&68/1000

~found photo (idk)

Thankful for the bird feeder, a source of joy ... and white paintable wood caulk ... both necessarily indulgences.

Samson in his kennel

Sammy ... lazing around and keeping a eye on me.