The way to love someone
is to lightly run your finger over that person's soul
until you find a crack,
and then gently pour your love into that crack.
~Keith Miller

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

my notes on THE GREAT DIVORCE ... a dream

~ Henry Domke


The Great Divorce ~ C. S. Lewis
and Lewis begins his preface with a quote ...

'No, there is no escape.
There is no heaven with a little hell in it - 
no plan to retain this or that of the devil in our hearts or our pockets.
Out Satan must go, every hair and feather.'
GEORGE MACDONALD

To chose to empty one's hand and heart of Hell that Heaven might  be embraced ... That's what I'd say the book said to me.

Some quotes from the book:

"You cannot take all luggage with you on all journeys ... "

"Good as it ripens, becomes continually more different not only from evil but from other good."

“I do not think that all who choose wrong roads perish; but their rescue consists in being put back on the right road. A sum can be put right: but only by going back til you find the error and working it afresh from that point, never by simply going on. Evil can be undone, but it cannot 'develop' into good. Time does not heal it. The spell must be unwound, bit by bit, 'with backward mutters of dissevering power' --or else not.”

"If we insist on keeping Hell (or even Earth) we shall not see Heaven: if we accept Heaven we shall not be able to retain even the smallest and most intimate souvenirs of Hell." 

"When in our whole lives, did we honestly face, in solitude, the one question on which all turned: whether after all the Supernatural might not in fact occur?  When did we put up one moment's real resistance to the loss of our faith?" 

"'Son,' he said, ' ye cannot in your present state understand eternity: when Anodos looked through the door of the Timeless he brought no message back.  But ye can get some likeness of it if ye say that both good and evil, when they are full grown, become retrospective.  Not only this valley but all their earthly past will have been Heaven to those who are saved.  Not only the twilight in that town, but all their live on Earth too, will then be seen by the damned to have been  Hell.  That is what mortals misunderstand.  They say of some temporal suffering, "No future bliss can make up for it,' not knowing that Heaven, once attained, will work backwards and turn even that agony into glory.  And of some sinful pleasure they say" Let me have but this and I'll take the consequences': little dreaming how damnation will spread back and back into their past and contaminate the pleasure of sin.  Both processes begin even before death.  The good man's past begins to change so that his forgiven sins and remembered sorrows take on the quality of Heaven:  the bad man's past already conforms to his badness and is filled only with dreariness.  And that is why at the end of all things, when the sun rises here and the twilight turns to blackness down there, the Blessed will say "We have never lived anywhere except Heaven,' and the Lost, 'We were always in Hell.'"  And both will speak truly.

I note this lengthy passage because it supports one of the main (for me) premises of the book.


"'Milton was right,' said my Teacher. 'The choice of every lost soul can be expressed in the words "Better to reign in Hell then serve in Heaven."  There is always something they insist on keepingeven at the price of misery  There is always something they prefer to joy - that is, to reality.   Ye see it easily in a spoiled child that would sooner miss its play and its supper then say it was sorry and be friends.  Ye call it the Sulks.  But in adult life it has a hundred fine names - ... .'"

"The sensualist, I'll allow ye, begins by pursuing a real pleasure, though a small one.  His sin is the less.  But the time comes on when, though the pleasure becomes less and less and the craving fiercer and fiercer, and though he knows joy can never come that way, yet he prefers to joy the mere fondling of unappeasable lust and would not have it taken from him.  He'd fight to the death to keep it.  He'd like well to be able to scratch, be even when he can scratch no more he'd rather itch then not."
“The false religion of lust is baser than the false religion of mother-love or patriotism or art: but lust is less likely to be made into a religion.” 
I think lust has become a powerful religion since the the times in which Lewis lived and wrote ... it is baser and seems intent on consuming the flesh of innocents debasing hearts, homes, and entire cultures.

"There have been some who were so occupied by spreading Christianity that they never gave a thought to Christ."

"For to be afraid of oneself is the last horror."

"Light itself was your first love: you loved paint only as a means of telling about light." ... and this companion bit " Every poet and musician and artist, but for Grace, is always drawn from love of the thing he tells, to love of the telling, down in deep Hell, they cannot be interested in God at all but only in what they say about Him."
 This part was especially interesting/meaningful to me heard as this; "flight itself was your first love; you loved 'flight' only as a means of hearing about God." ... aviation is my most intimate metaphor ... I think we all must have then, a language which develops where we can see God's hand and from there see his presence in other and hopefully eventually all areas and later he writes this: 
"You enjoy them just as if they were someone else's: without pride and without modesty."
And ... I have noticed that is precisely how many things feel to me now.  It is liberating ... without a sense of competitiveness or wistfulness or ... any gunkiness ... just joy.  I think I understand what Lewis is expressing. 

"But the whole thickening treatment consists in learning to want God for His own sake."
Another main point of the book, I'd say. 


" No natural feelings are high or low, holy or unholy, in themselves.  They are all holy when God's hand is on the rein.  They all go bad when they set themselves up on their own and make themselves into false gods."

"We've all been wrong!  That's the great joke.  There's no need to go on pretending one was right!  After that we begin living."

"For all I ever did wrong and for all I did not do right since the first day we met, I ask your pardon."  
 Love that ... favorite quote.  

"'Stop what?' ... "Using pity, other people's pity, in the wrong way.  We have all done it a bit on earth, you know.  Pity was meant to be a spur that drives joy to help misery.  But it can be used the wrong way round. It can be used for a kind of blackmailing.  Those who chose misery can hold joy up to ransom, by pity." and this down the page: "Can you really have thought that love and joy would always be at the mercy of frowns and sighs?"
Thinking about pouting and emotional bullying to get one's way ... stinker-ness.  We see it in our homes and so easily also to see it in the entitlement programs gone wild.  we manipulate and are manipulated ... to everyone's lessening.  And a companion to the above quote:

"'Hell ... seems big enough when you're in it, Sir.' ... 'And yet all loneliness, angers, hatreds, envies and itchings that it contains, if rolled into one single experience and put into the scale against the least moment of joy in Heaven, would have no weight which could be registered at all.' ... 'For a damned soul is nearly nothing:it is shrunk, shut up in itself." 
 Here he is alluding to a size comparison, smallness of Hell against the expansiveness of Heaven and I thought about the size of the known Universe and how someone observed that the whole thing is too big for us ... mankind ... like, why would your God create such a huge place, like it's ludicrous really and therefore the whole idea of a creator is silliness.  And someone else answered ... maybe it is scaled towards God-sized ... marvelous on a super-natural scale ... for the very reason of trumpeting His awesomeness on a billboard impossible to miss ... my words, someone else's observations. In another place in this book Lewis describes things as heavier (golden apples which a ghost, invited to stay and learn to partake of, instead strains to steal just the smallest one, he wants to take it back to earth.  I think Lewis wants to recall to us a garden and a stolen bite of an apple ... and I think he wanted to underline in my mind the idea that we still want to steal little bits of Heaven not for nourishment, but for our own mis-goded devices.  Here's a cool idea (and connected to the idea expressed in Four Loves ... nearness by inherent created likeness): 
"But what we called love down there was mostly the craving to be loved." "The demand of the loveless and the self-imprisoned that they should be allowed to blackmail the universe: that till they consent to be happy (on their own terms) no one else shall taste joy: that theirs should be the final power; that Hell should be able to veto Heaven." "... - something that would otherwise be too big for ye to see at all.  That thing is Freedom: The gift whereby ye most resemble your Maker and are yourselves parts of eternity."
... Freedom to choose ... and yet we tend to be "en-slaved" on our own choices.  We chose.
Henry Domke
On the scale, as in size or weight, Lewis helps me see the Fall ... a fall to tiny-ness (where we are yet significant to God ... amazing ... significantly insignificant) we are insubstantial and an important take away from this book for me is the walk/journey towards the high country of Heaven hurts our feet ... hurts our "us-ness" ... the magnificence of even the foothills is too much ... because of how we are ... and ... in the book helpers come along side of the souls helping with the journey, helping with the choices.  To reach towards God is hard.  It's just hard. You can step in to it at any moment, but ... it's gonna hurt tender wimpy feet ... until it doesn't. The very grass on the higher ground of it initially pierces one's feet.


 "Then do. At once.  Ask for the Bleeding Charity.  Everything is here for the asking and nothing can be bought."  

He seems to be referencing the thief at the crucifixion here ... also Charity  used in this quote as it was developed in FOUR LOVES.   

“I wish I had never been born," she said. "What are we born for?" "For infinite happiness," said the Spirit. "You can step out into it at any moment...”

“Good beats upon the damned incessantly as sound waves beat on the ears of the deaf, but they cannot receive it. Their fists are clenched, their teeth are clenched, their eyes fast shut. First they will not, in the end they cannot, open their hands for gifts, or their mouth for food, or their eyes to see.” 


“Either the day must come when joy prevails and all the makers of misery are no longer able to infect it, or else, for ever and ever, the makers of misery can destroy in others the happiness they reject for themselves.” 

“You cannot love a fellow creature fully till you love God.”

“There is but one good; that is God. 
Everything else is good



 when it looks to Him 
and bad when it turns from Him.” 


“I believe, to be sure, that any man who reaches Heaven will find that what he abandoned (even in plucking out his right eye) has not been lost: that the kernel of what he was really seeking even in his most depraved wishes will be there, beyond expectation, waiting for him in 'the High Countries'.”

“Hell is a state of mind - ye never said a truer word. And every state of mind, left to itself, every shutting up of the creature within the dungeon of its own mind - is, in the end, Hell. But Heaven is not a state of mind. Heaven is reality itself. All that is fully real is Heavenly. For all that can be shaken will be shaken and only the unshakeable remains.” 

“There are only two kinds of people in the end: those who say to God, "Thy will be done," and those to whom God says, in the end, "Thy will be done." All that are in Hell, choose it. Without that self-choice there could be no Hell. No soul that seriously and constantly desires joy will ever miss it. Those who seek find. Those who knock it is opened. ” 

Great book!  The working title was "Who Goes Home?" ... who would choose to get back on the bus and return to a world of Hell when Heaven is so compelling presented? Companion book to The Screwtape Letters.

Monday, October 15, 2012


shadows ... I believe Four snapped this photo of our (L,4 and I) shadows on one of our little neighborhood walks ... that's probably Sammy's up in the top right ... neat picture.  The pastor was talking about shadows, as in foreshadowing, during the sermon yesterday ... he has a theme going on how the "thread" of Christ runs through the entire Scriptures.  I've been noticing ideas related to"Light" these past several months ... well, whenever it was I started reading  I John very carefully.  Light ... and therefore shadows ... and necessarily(?) darkness, and degrees there of ... I think I'll just start "piling" up the random thought of it here and see what I've got.

For now though ... busy busy week really insists on getting started (I would like to sit and read the rest of The Great Divorce today ... at that point in the book where interruption are ... interrupting.
I get to go to the CDC this week ... pretty interesting.

btw ... ended up seeing Atlas Shrugged II ... yawn.

Friday, October 12, 2012

Friday ... movie night.  Last week we skipped because I really don't like to see the type movies that seem to play in October.  I'm thinking back over the past several months worth of movies and Brave was definitely one of my favorites ... I might enjoy "Looper", playing this evening.
Action/Adventure/Sci-fi ... one of my go to genre ... usually fails to deliver but, we keep our hopes high.  I know I would like to see ARGO, based on the Iran hostage situation back in the late 70's early 80s ... pivotal.  I don't like the fuzziness of "history" served up in technicolor on the silver screen with popcorn and Coke ... but,  real events are never black and white.
I can not wait for the new Bond film ... "Skyfall" ... same Bond,  Q's new,  ... !  November release.

This morning I got to "visit" with the South Korean ladies.  I took a little over night case of everyday hygiene type items.  They agree with me that the ZUM soap smells and feels wonderful.  The plan is to enable them to ask for products with confidence.  Last week one of the ladies told us that they drove to Atlanta to visit the Korean grocery store, and I sure do understand the comfort one might find among familiar products.  I wanted to give them an opportunity to ask questions about very important stuff like shampoo.  Because they don't need deodorant, they had never smelled Secret.  They thought it was a very funny name for a very bizarre product.  Next week I will prepare something like a vegetable soup for them to sample and I'll pack a shopping basket with the ingredients.  One of the women volunteered to prepare a Korean soup for our little group too.  We talked about grocery shopping quite a bit today.
They were surprised that we don't have a TV in our home and I explained that everyone can watch pretty much whatever they might wish for via Netflix or Hulu ... the idea was not to limit viewing, but to help us consciously choose our programing.  They were also surprised that we drink very very little soda pop type drinks ... Coca Cola  has probably the best recognized icon on the planet.  I told them we drink water with our meals, sometimes tea, but rarely.  Also, that we drink some alcohol in our home, but most Baptists will say they don't.  My big surprise today was that the Korean ladies like to give and receive paper towel and even toilet paper as a hostess type gift.  I am starting to understand that disposable items are a display of wealth ... and that display has some element of gratitude rather then simply conspicuous consumption ... they said giving someone paper towel is a way of sharing your wealth.  They think Bounty is properly named.  I would be a bit flabbergasted if someone showed up with 12 rolls of t-paper ... I didn't realise until today that it is a wonderful treat.  Gosh they are a lot of fun!  We also spent time discussing right turn on green light when oncoming traffic also wishes to turn ... left for them.  In their country, it is proper to yield to the oncoming turning traffic ... here the vehicle which is turning right would be expected to go first ... both having just a green light.  It was a bit tricky to explain the green arrow rules because in our small town a protected turn is unusual ... it hurts their feelings to have people blowing the horn at them when they are just trying to be courteous.


toilet paper ... yes, it is really nice ...

Thursday, October 11, 2012

today ...

 ... drinking my coffee with my eyes closed ... so good ... this is my first "real" coffee (the kind I make at home ... not that must have SBs coffee from last week, which was good, delicious, but not first thing in the morning at home doing whatever I want delicious) since I stopped putting sugar in the cup ... one bag of yellow is enough ... with cream ... coffee good ... top five on a deserted island list good ... I close my eyes to concentrate/savor ... leaning in.  And then ... I open my eyes, smiling ... and I see ... red leaves, right there.  Right outside the window.  The dogwoods are turning.  Everything was green yesterday from up there, unless it was blue.  Yesterday was ... excellent.  I thought to make today as good as the coffee ...
 ... and I saw the last thing I brought home from the pottery studio ... and I wondered if my hands could still throw a pot like they can fly a steep turn ... or better still, more like that power off 180 that settled down precisely where like the slow curving of a satisfied smile ... I got to keep so much more then I lost ... I got to keep the joy.
 This is my pretty good pot ... thrown today ... this stuff doesn't delight my heart, but ... my kids like it ... everyone wants a pot or two (for Christmas I think).
 Then I went on a wild goose chase for some fasteners ... to here.  This is a very old building.  It warehouses a zillion boxes of screws, nuts, and bolts and one sorta grouchy, almost silent, old guy who keeps the whole shebang in pristine order and his dog, who met me here on the dock/entry.  Yeah I see it now as I look at the picture ... not so tidy, but the inside was I promise.  I think along with his advice on finding another way to put my "stuff" back together he has gifted me with another wonderful insight ... if all the junk stays outside the inside can be pretty close to perfect.
And this ... because someone who loves me cares way too much about chicken salad (H).  She actually said, "Chicken salad to die for" and while it was meant as an enticement to her favorite "chick diner"  I actually heard it as a culinary challenge.

 Lunch at home ...
left over grilled chicken precisely cubed
celery hearts cut ... yeah precisely chopped  
...'cause that's just how I roll ...
white onion
uh huh, not dainty but delish
toasted walnuts
red jalapenos 
for color and kick
and a dollop of 60Cal Mayo
and salt

I'm gonna call it ...
open your mouth and close your eyes chicken salad yummy surprise 

That's today ... I decided to give myself the day off.  'Cept for meals and dishes and ... errands.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

CAP plane ... proficiency flight

3500 MSL looking West ... still very green for as far as the eye can see in all quadrants ... fun!  

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

just a bit more on "love"

Fly in Silver Dragon ~ Britt Freda

I would like to have done a better job of synthesizing the chapter on Charity in Lewis' book, Four Loves.  He does such a great job of sharing his thought process.

storge - affection
philia - friendship
eros - romance
agape - unconditional love

The idea of "charity" is that it is unconditional, not predicated on our attractiveness, not something that we "earn" or somehow deserve, not something that is given to reward or coerce a behavior.  "Charity" loves.  "Charity" loves without cause ... and I like seeing that it is never less loving ... it's the full deal, 24/7 ... .  Love is a big deal.  Lately, I have noticed that we are not really that good at "loving".  Let me say, I ... am not very good at loving.  I think the main point of the book for me, with this reading (because it's one of those books to read again), was this ... "Careful.  This might lead you to suffering."  (So ... I'm not the only one who thinks that ... not the only 'fraidy cat out there) and this ... To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. (I've been thinking about this specific quote for quite a while now ... found in a book of quotes by famous people ... And what I've thought is yeah ... this is true ... to love at all is to be vulnerable but I can handle that ... the reallyreallyreally tough part for me isn't in the giving of my heart to love someone, even a relative stranger, that's so very easy ... it's in opening my heart to let people in to love me ... it's so very hard to rest in their love ... it's hard to need love, not to give love ... that's where "vulnerable" resides ... that's the secret little casket/box that I have difficulty re-opening .)
Love simply is not "safe".  ... it's super interesting to me ... no one wishes to be "broken" and yet love tends to both do that and repair that ... I'm thinking about this.  I know I have thought to protect myself by not loving too much ... to balance to care and not to care.  I am careful of my heart, but/and once "in" not so careful at all.  It surprises me that someone you invite in to your heart might hurt you.  You know ... not in that way of being overly sensitive to little dings, little life-dings, but ... rather ... gaping breaches of trust ... breach, such a perfect word.  

1 a : a violation in the performance of or a failure to perform an obligation created by a promise, duty, or law without excuse or justification breach of duty 
An opening, a tear, or a rupture. b. A gap or rift, especially in or as if in a solid structure such as a dike or fortification

It surprises one to be "torn".  And then what ... ?  Lewis is right to warn us about where "wrapping it up carefully" leads. 

change of track ... Charity ... It's God-stuff.  I think we are incapable of finding it within ourselves of ourselves.  We can ... hmmm ... maybe open our hearts to receive it, and there by season these other loves with it.  I think there is more pain, bigger pain, without it ... and I think it is the love that repairs our souls.

This week my buddy girls and I have casually talked about stuff that we think or feel about homosexuality.  Yeah ... not like any of us are gay, but more how we feel about "gayness" in general as it is lived out by people we love.  I'm just mentioning that because it's "different" from "us" and easy to not "love" ... easy to judge "that" as somehow less then lovable and somehow from there feel that it is somehow righteous not to act lovingly ... charitably ... .  We condemn this or that in others and in ourselves ... that is extra pain that simply doesn't need to happen ... that's what I think.  

I want to move towards being better at "loving".  Unconditional love is certainly beyond me, but I have an inkling of what it might be (because I am a mom, and because I have a few people firmly planted in my heart).  Maybe a dose of charity can "super-charge" what I am capable of offering.

I've been too careful.

... and a p.s. 11 Oct. 12  from Will Durant's book "The Pleasures of Philosophy" via a friend:

"Our wealth is a weariness, and our wisdom is a little light that chills; but love warms the heart with unspeakable solace, even more when it is given than when it is received." 


"When the home that has echoed with the laughter of children is haunted with their still memory, love, as if in consolation, brings all its wealth again to the comrades of many years.  Its great gamut is not full till it has soothed with its warmest presence the loneliness of age and the nearness of the Great Enemy.  Those who knew it as desire know only the root and flesh of it; the soul of it remains now, with every physical element burned away.  In this re-mating of old hearts the spiritual flowering of the body's hunger is complete."
 

Monday, October 8, 2012

eewww ahhhh ... brand new sander


I am pretty excited about my chairs today ... the one sanded all the way down.  Now I can see that staining these is going to work. I really love the feel of stain under the hand rubbed poly ... so much better then paint ... more effort, but better.  I like it.

Four Loves chapter 6/6 ... notes on Charity


PDF for Four Loves
written by C. S. Lewis, first issued in 1958

Chapter 6 Charity


chapter 6
Charity


William Morris wrote a poem called Love is Enough and someone is said to have reviewed it briefly in the words "It isn't". Such has been the burden of this book. The natural loves are not self-sufficient. Something else, at first vaguely described as "decency and common sense" but later revealed as goodness, and finally as the whole Christian life in one particular relation, must come to the help of the mere feeling if the feeling is to be kept sweet.(pg. 107)

Gardens ... Separate from the wilderness, still inclined to weeds without proper tending.

When Gad planted a garden He set a man over it and set the man under Himself. When He planted the garden of our nature and caused the flowering, fruiting loves to grow there, He set our will to "dress" them. Compared with them it is dry and cold. And unless His grace comes down, like the rain and the sunshine, we shall use this tool to little purpose. But its laborious - and largely negative - services are indispensable. If they were needed when the garden was still Paradisal, how much more now when the soil has gone sour and the worst weeds seem to thrive on it best? But heaven forbid we should work in the spirit of prigs and Stoics. While we hack and prune we know very well that what we are hacking and pruning is big with a splendour and vitality which our rational will could never of itself have supplied. To liberate that splendour, to let it become fully what it is trying to be, to have tall trees instead of scrubby tangles, and sweet apples instead of crabs, is part of our purpose.(108)

For now we must face a topic that I have long postponed. Hitherto hardly anything has been said in this book about our natural loves as rivals to the love of God. Now the question can no longer be avoided. There were two reasons for my delay.
One - already hinted - is that this question is not the place at which most of us need begin. It is seldom, at the outset, "addressed to our condition". For most of us the true rivalry lies between the self and the human Other, not yet between the human Other and God. It is danger- ous to press upon a man the duty of getting beyond earthly love when his real difficulty lies in getting so far.(108)

The loves prove that they are unworthy to take the place of God by the fact that they cannot even remain themselves and do what they promise to do without God's help. Why prove that some petty princeling is not the lawful Emperor when without the Emperor's support he cannot even keep his subordinate throne and make peace in his little province for half a year? Even for their own sakes the loves must submit to be second things if they are to remain the things they want to be. In this yoke lies their true freedom; they "are taller when they bow". For when God rules in a human heart, though He may sometimes have to remove certain of its native authorities altogether, He often continues others in their offices and, by subjecting their authority to His, gives it for the first time a firm basis. Emerson has said, "When half-gods go, the gods arrive." That is a very doubtful maxim. Better say, "When God arrives (and only then) the half-gods can remain" Left to themselves they either vanish or become demons.(109)

Of all arguments against love none makes so strong an appeal to my nature as 

"Careful! This might lead you to suffering".
To my nature, my temperament, yes. Not to my conscience. When I respond to that appeal I seem to myself to be a thousand miles away from Christ. If I am sure of anything I am sure that His teaching was never meant to confirm my congenital preference for safe investments and limited liabilities. I doubt whether there is anything in me that pleases Him less. And who could conceivably begin to love God on such a prudential ground because the security (so to speak) is better? Who could even include it among the grounds for loving? Would you choose a wife or a Friend - if it comes to that, would you choose a dog in this spirit? One must be outside the world of love, of all loves, before one thus calculates. (110&111)

Even if it were granted that insurances against heartbreak were our highest wisdom, does God Himself offer them? Apparently not. 

Christ comes at last to say "Why hast thou forsaken me?"
There is no escape along the lines St. Augustine suggests. Nor along any other lines. There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the danges and perturbations of love is Hell.(111&112)

St. Augustine describes the desolation in which the death of his friend Nebridius plunged him (Confessions xv, 10). Then he draws a moral. This is what comes, he says, of giving one's heart to anything but God. (110)

I believe that the most lawless and inordinate loves are less contrary to God's will than a self-invited and selfprotective lovelesssness. It is like hiding the talent in a napkin and for much the same reason. "I knew thee that thou wert a hard man." Christ did not teach and suffer that we might become, even in the natural loves, more careful of our own happiness. If a man is not uncalculating towards the earthly beloveds whom he has seen, he is none the more likely to be so towards God whom he has not. We shall draw nearer to God, not by trying to avoid the sufferings inherent in all loves, but by accepting them and offering them to Him; throwing away all defensive armour. (112)

He talks about rather then loving your child or husband or friend less (for fear of idolatry ...the little gods) ... Love God more.  Lean towards loving God more ... Not towards loving your people less.

If "All" - quite seriously all - "for love" is implicit in the Beloved's attitude, his or her love is not worth having. It is not related in the right way to Love Himself. (115)

And this brings me to the foot of the last steep ascent this book must try to make. We must try to relate the human activities called "loves" to that Love which is God a little more precisely than we have yet done. The precision can, of course, be only that of a model or a symbol, certain to fail us in the long run and, even while we use it, requiring correction from other models. The humblest of us, in a state of Grace, can have some "knowledge-by-acquaintance" (connaitre), some "tasting" of Love Himself; but man even at his highest sanctity and intelligence has no direct "knowledge about" (savoir) the ultimate Being - only analogies. We cannot see light, though by light we can see things. Statements about God are extrapolations from the knowledge of other things which the divine illumination enables us to know. I labour these deprecations because, in what follows, my efforts to be clear (and not intolerably lengthy) may suggest a confidence which I by no means feel. I should be mad if I did. Take it as one man's reverie, almost one man's myth: If anything in it is useful to you, use it; if anything is not, never give it a second thought.(115-116)



This is where in the book I stall out on simply snatching up excerpts to brief the book ... everyone might want to read the last few pages themselves ... the culmination of Lewis' thoughts are pretty cool ... interesting, kinda wonderful.  I'm going to try to just put a few crumbs along the trail he blazes, but ... it's a wonderful place to stroll ... lots to take in and think about.

God is love. Again, "Herein is love, not that we loved God but that He loved us" (I John, iv, 10). We must not begin with mysticism, with the creature's love for God, or with the wonderful foretastes of the fruition of God vouchesafed to some in their earthly life. 
We begin at the real beginning, with love as the Divine energy. 
This Primal love is Gift-love. 
In God there is no hunger that needs to be filled, only plenteousness that desires to give. 
The doctrine that God was under no necessity to create is not a piece of dry scholastic speculation. It is essential. Without it we can hardly avoid the conception of what I can only call a "managerial" God; a Being whose function or nature is to "run" the universe, who stands to it as a headmaster to a school or a hotelier to a hotel. But to be sovereign of the universe is no great matter to God. In Himself, at home in "the land of the Trinity", he is Sovereign of a far greater realm. 
We must keep always before our eyes that vision of Lady Julian's in which God carried in His hand a little object like a nut, and that nut was "all that is made". God, who needs nothing, loves into existence wholly superfluous creatures in order that He may love and perfect them. He creates the universe, already foreseeing - or should we say "seeing ? there are no tenses in God - the buzzing cloud of flies about the cross, the flayed back pressed against the uneven stake, the nails driven through the mesial nerves, the repeated incipient suffocation as the body droops, the repeated torture of back and arms as it is time after time, for breath's sake, hitched up. 
If I may dare the biological image, God is a "host" who deliberately creates His own parasites; causes us to be that we may exploit and "take advantage of" Him. Herein is love. This is the diagram of Love Himself, the inventor of all loves. God, as Creator of nature, implants in us both Gift loves and Need-loves. The Gift-loves are natural images of Himself; proximities to Him by resemblance which are not necessarily and in all men proximities of approach. A devoted mother, a beneficent ruler or teacher, may give and give, continually exhibiting the likeness, without making the approach. The Need-loves, so far as I have been able to see, have no resemblance to the Love which God is. (116)


Again, natural Gift-love is always directed to objects which the lover finds in some way intrinsically lovable objects to which Affection or Eros or a shared point of view attracts him, or, failing that, to the grateful and the deserving, or perhaps to those whose helplessness is of a winning and appealing kind. But Divine Gift-love in the man enables him to love what is not naturally lovable; lepers, criminals, enemies, morons, the sulky, the superior and the sneering. Finally, by a high paradox, God enables men to have a Gift-love towards Himself. There is of course a sense in which no one can give to God anything which is not already His; and if it is already His, what have you given?  But since it is only too obvious that we can withhold ourselves, our wills and hearts, from God, we can, in that sense, also give them. What is His By right and would not exist for a moment if it ceased to be His (as the song is the singer's), He has nevertheless made ours in such a way that we can freely offer it back to Him. "Our wills are ours to make them Thine." And as all Christians know there is another way of giving to God; every stranger whom we feed or clothe is Christ. And this apparently is Gift-love to God whether we know it or not. Love Himself can work in those who know nothing of Him. (118)

That such a Gift-love comes by Grace and should be called Charity, everyone will agree. But I have to add something which will not perhaps be so easily admitted. God, as it seems to me, bestows two other gifts; a super- natural Need-love of Himself and a supernatural Need- love of one another. (118)

Like a river making its own channel, like a magic wine which in being poured out should simultaneously create the glass that was to hold it, God turns our need of Him into Need-love of Him. What is stranger still is that he creates in us a more than natural receptivity of Charity from our fellow men. Need is so near greed and we are so greedy already that it seems a strange grace. But I cannot get it out of my head that this is what happens. 
Let us consider first this supernatural Need-love of Himself, bestowed by Grace. Of course the Grace does not create the need. That is there already; "given" (as the mathematicians say) in the mere fact of our being creatures, and incalculably increased by our being fallen creatures. What the Grace gives is the full recognition, the sensible awareness, the complete acceptance - even, with certain reservations, the glad acceptance - of this Need. For, without Grace, our wishes and our necessities are in conflict. (119)

No sooner do we believe that God loves us than there is an impulse to believe that He does so, not because He is Love, but because we are intrinsically lovable. (119)

Thus, depth beneath depth and subtlety within subtlety, there remains some lingering idea of our own, our very own, attractiveness. It is easy to acknowledge, but almost impossible to realise for long, that we are mirrors whose brightness, if we are bright, is wholly derived from the sun that shines upon us. Surely we must have a little - however little - native luminosity? Surely we can't be quite creatures? (120)

We want to be loved for our cleverness, beauty, generosity; fairness, usefulness. (121)

How difficult it is to receive, and to go on receiving, from others a love that does not depend on our own attraction, can be seen from an extreme case. Suppose yourself a man struck down shortly after marriage by an incurable disease which may not kill you for many years; useless, impotent, hideous, disgusting; depending on your wife's earnings; impoverishing where you hoped to enrich; impaired even in intellect and shaken by gusts of uncontrollable temper, full of unavoidable demands. And suppose your wife's care and pity to he inexhaustible. The man who can take this sweetly, who can receive all and give nothing without resentment, who can abstain even from those tiresome self- deprecations which are really only a demand for petting and reassurance, is doing something which Need-love in its merely natural condition could not attain. (No doubt such a wife will also be doing something beyond the reach of a natural Gift-love, but that is not the point at present.) In such a case to receive is harder and perhaps more blessed than to give. But what the extreme example illustrates is universal. We are all receiving Charity. There is something in each of us that cannot be naturally loved. It is no one's fault if they do not so love it. Only the lovable can he naturally loved. You might as well ask people to like the taste of rotten bread or the sound of a mechanical drill. We can be forgiven, and pitied, and loved in spite of it, with Charity; no other way. All who have good parents, wives, husbands, or children, may be sure that at some times - and perhaps at all times in respect of some one particular trait or habit - they are receiving Charity, are not loved because they are lovable but because Love Himself is in those who love them.
Thus God, admitted to the human heart, transforms not only Gift-love but Need-love; not only our Need-love of Him, but our Need-love of one another. This is of course not the only thing that can happen. He may come on what seems to us a more dreadful mission and demand that a natural love be totally renounced. A high and terrible vocation, like Abraham’s, may constrain a man to turn his back on his own people and his father's house. Eros, directed to a forbidden object, may have to be sacrificed. In such instances, the process, though hard to endure, is easy to understand. What we are more likely to overlook is the necessity for a transformation even when the natural love is allowed to continue.
In such a case the Divine Love does not substitute itself for the natural - as if we had to throw away our silver to make room for the gold. The natural loves are summoned to become modes of Charity while also remaining the natural loves they were.(122)

The invitation to turn our natural loves into Charity is never lacking. It is provided by those frictions and frustrations that meet us in all of them; unmistakable evidence that (natural) love is not going to be "enough" - unmistakable, unless we are blinded by egotism. When we are, we use them absurdly. "If only I had been more fortunate in my children (that boy gets more like his father every day) I could have loved them perfectly." But every child is sometimes infuriating; most children are not infrequently odious. "If only my husband were more considerate, less lazy, less extravagant "... "If only my wife had fewer moods and more sense, and were less extravagant "... "If my father wasn't so infernally prosy and close-fisted." But in everyone, and of course in ourselves, there is that which requires forbearance, tolerance, forgiveness. The necessity of practising these virtues first sets us, forces us, upon the attempt to turn - more, strictly, to let God turn - our love into Charity. These frets and rubs are beneficial. It may even be that where there are fewest of them the conversion of natural love is most difficult.(124)

Lewis writes about wanting "heaven" to be a place where we are re-united with our loves ... People or perhaps other things we treasure ... And presents an argument that that love or loving isn't "heavenly".  It makes sense ... It makes me think of a heaven "i create ... a myth ... a not really Heaven at all." 

Read it "and yet" beginning on page 125).
I'm not articulating the idea very well ... what I think he is saying is ... we imagine a place where we get what we want ... seven (or a handful) of virgins for some, unlimited consumption of this or that, re-union with our loves, my family ... what ever it is one might treasure ... I'll think about this area and try harder to express the thought.  He's saying our "natural" loves are are "flesh and blood" type loves, and thus may not inherit the Kingdom.


Flesh and blood", mere nature, cannot inherit that Kingdom. Man can ascend to Heaven only because the Christ, who died and ascended to Heaven, is "formed in him". Must we not suppose that the same is true of a man's loves? Only those into which Love Himself has entered will ascend to Love Himself. And these can be raised with Him only if they have, in some degree and fashion, shared His death; if the natural element in them has submitted year after year, or in some sudden agony - to transmutation. The fashion of this world passes away. The very name of nature implies the transitory. Natural loves can hope for eternity only in so far as they have allowed themselves to be taken into the eternity of Charity; have at least allowed the process to begin here on earth, before the night comes when no man can work. (page 125)

We were made for God. Only by being in some respect like Him, only by being a manifestation of His beauty, lovingkindness, wisdom or goodness, has any earthly Beloved excited our love. It is not that we have loved them too much, but that we did not quite understand what we were loving. (127)


Is it easy to love God?" asks an old author. "It is easy," he replies, "to those who do it" I have included two Graces under the word Charity. But God can give a third. He can awake in man, towards Himself, a super- natural Appreciative Love. This is of all gifts the most to be desired. Here, not in our natural loves, nor even in ethics, lies the true centre of all human and angelic life. With this all things are possible.
And with this, where a better book would begin, mine must end. (128 & 129)

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Beef Burito


Beef burritos ...
Four came in to the kitchen tonight saying, "It smells like Mexico in here".  It is Mexico in here tonight.  One of the advantages of being raised on the Texas border.  You know how to make food smell right, and when it smells right, it tastes right.

There are no recipes for most of the Mexican style food that I prepare ... make it smell how you want it to smell, that's the recipe.

I puréed white onion, finely grated garlic, minced cilantro and sautéd that mixture in a heavy black skillet.  Then I added the beef with some salt, ground cumin, and chili powder.  I also tossed a tiny bit of Rotel bc I had some sitting around.  Later I added a heaping glop of sour cream ... pretty delicious.  We rolled the filling up in the pre-warmed flour tortillas  and topped them with a sort of a queso sauce.
Rotel (drained) + cream cheese + Velvetta + some of those puréed onions ... microwaved.


Friday, October 5, 2012

golden days

59F outside this morning ... kinda perfect.  The sky is yawning blue with contrails lingering ... winds aloft must be negligible.   Sammy is barking at the train's whistle, blowing from several miles away ... it's eight and the last minute stragglers are zooming out of the neighborhood ... off to work for the day.  There is gold under all the green of outside this morning.
Autumn's easing in.

I had an invite for a first flight in the CAP plane yesterday ... tedious.  Lots and lots ... bunches ... tons of e-mail communications and you wouldn't believe the maze of paperwork involved in navigating from a first exploratory visit to a CAPs meeting to yesterday's canceled flight.  I note this because, well ... CAPs has been like the last stop on my enthusiasm for flying ... . I have a mat near our front door which I routinely take outside and shake the dust out of.  I am that mat ... CAPs shakes the last traces of dust out of me.  I told 'em I would be so happy to help with aviation education for the cadet's and boy scouts ... do O rides for ROTC guys ... now ... I just don't care either way.  Gosh, it feels odd to just not care.

And ... that has my attention.  Not caring.  Is that what Autumn ... the autumn of one's life ... is.  This begonia came in last night ... blooms all over the floor this morning ... the flowers will be gone soon and I don't have much hope of it wintering over.  I'm not good with house plants.  Today I will go teach my little group of Korean women conversational English.  Yesterday I dropped by the pottery studio to pay my quarterly fee ... I don't have any pottery in the works right now. I do have a handful of chairs out on the back porch wanting to be re-finished.  I ... guess I am ... tired.  I need to re-boot myself for this next season.  I need to find the gold.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Oh ... and I fell in lust early evening yesterday ... around sunset as I drove out to the airport I saw a lovely little plane climb off, make a steep early turn out to the East and climb, climb, climb.  I was like ... be still my heart (what the heck is that ... small with robust performance ... like a baby Pilatus).  I went in the FBO asking what was that last departure? TBM700.  Momma likey.

And ... BTW, my very old buddy guy who recently buried his wife of a lifetime ... he is getting his very first airplane ride ever ... this weekend ... down to the Keys ... in a Pilatus.  May be worth the wait!  He is soooo excited and I am soooo happy for him.  His son arranged it.  Kinda perfect!

head boards and chairs ... after I paint

Yesterday ... road trip.  Fun.
Last month I stopped drinking coffee ... well I stopped drinking and eating sugar ... coffee was my primary conduit of sugar, kinda like an IV bag ... .  I thought if I stopped drinking coffee all together for a few weeks that I would be so happy to have it back that I wouldn't notice the difference between real sugar (and a lot of it) and something which masquerades as sweetness but spilling from a yellow packet, fails to deliver.
The first couple of days ... major, epic really, headache ... followed for the next several weeks by a weakened will to thrive.  I really miss coffee.  I've been drinking Lemon Zinger, Wild Blueberry, Chocolate Hazelnut (which I imagine tastes like the hot dish water from a cake's emptied mixing bowl).  Tea is not coffee, no matter that the names hint of  a morning of adventure.  I ran out of hot tea yesterday right around the time I noticed my lipstick was entirely gone ... and a Starbucks' with a drive through appeared oasis-like.  Three lanes and half a block later, I was speaking to the box ... Grande, bunches of cream and ummm, maybe six packs of yellow.   When I got up to the window for the prize he said, I noticed your driving, do you want a stopper?  Yep ... stopper to tea thermos ... coffee on board.  It'll do.
 Hung out with H ... fun ... we found this fabric at King Cotton ... four yards for two twin size head boards.  I am looking forward to doing them  I still need to find the foam, and maybe some finishing tacks ... and I need to prep the frames. Today I hope to finish all the painting in that room ... well, I just realized I won't because husband cautioned me not to paint the ceiling and top of the walls over the stair well.  He says he will do that for me.  Pretty great offer.
Now I have three of these chairs to refurbish ... hoping to find six in all ... this one is in pretty good shape, all the joints are secure.  There are two on the back porch waiting on glue to dry and finish sanding before fresh paint.  I am thinking about ordering some crushed coral to fill the tiny fissures ... hmmm ... . It would be easiest to putty and repaint them black (I don't want to sand them all the way down and black with red reminds me of ... not family dining ... of pool halls and the rail car hotel at the Chattanooga Choo Choo ... what I imagine as very tacky bordello decor).

Monday, October 1, 2012

98/1000

I know something today, and I think it might be important enough to want to remember it, it's definitely important enough to be thankful for.

It is possible to find joy even in "places" where you would never think to look.  I know I will "feel" joy in an airplane and ... I really like how I feel so plugged in when I'm flying ... I feel very present "there".  I 'm thinking just maybe the joy is really in being very present in a place ... rather then the place.  I'm saying it's possible to come upon joy in unexpected places.

The Wind That Blows

Piers Faccini
new to me singer ... acoustical guitar West African fusion
The Wind That Blows ~lyrics

The wind that blows quiet knows
A song as soft as silence goes
Into each thread a secret said
The sun and moon on a wedding bed

A rope unbound a treasure found
A healing ground an island drowned
To be without and not belong
Between the right and the wrong

And I won't seek nor will I find
Today is here then gone behind

The future makes the past opaque
I've given all for true love's sake
The tolling chime the senseless mime
The whirling hand of the beast of time

And what of this for a traitor's kiss
And what of now for a beggar's bliss
To fall away and leave the fray
To disappear and lose the way

And I won't seek nor will I find
Today is here then gone behind

The lost ones and the lonely
Are the ones that go before their time is done
And the broken and the helpless
Are the ones that leave but never ever come

I'm not ashamed to be unnamed
And unmarked box left unclaimed
To be without and not belong
Between the right and the wrong

And I won't seek nor will I find
Today is here then gone behind
HBD H ...
(btw I added several recipes today)