PDF for Four Loves
written by C. S. Lewis, first issued in 1958
Chapter 4 Friendship
Chapter 5 Eros
Chapter 6 Charity
Friendship
More then ... companionship, but built on companionship perhaps. More then who we spend actual time with ... friends "see" and allow themselves to be seen. I think friends are people I let in to my heart. Let's see what Lewis thinks ...
The typical expression of opening Friendship would be something like, "What? You too? I thought I was the only one." We can imagine that among those early hunters and warriors single individuals - one in a century? one in a thousand years? - saw what others did not; saw that the deer was beautiful as well as edible, that hunting was fun as well as necessary, dreamed that his gods might be not only powerful but holy. But as long as each of these percipient persons dies without finding a kindred soul, nothing (I suspect) will come of it; art or sport or spiritual religion will not be born. It is when two such persons discover one another, when, whether with immense difficulties and semi-articulate fumblings or with what would seem to us amazing and elliptical speed, they share their vision it is then that Friendship is born. And instantly they stand together in an immense solitude.
Lovers seek for privacy. Friends find this solitude about them, this barrier between them and the herd, whether they want it or not. They would be glad to reduce it. The first two would be glad to find a third. (pg. 60)
It may be a common religion, common studies, a common profession, even a common recreation. All who share it will be our companions; but one or two or three who share something more will be our Friends. In this kind of love, as Emerson said, Do you love me? means Do you see the same truth? - Or at least, "Do you care about the same truth?" The man who agrees with us that some question, little regarded by others, is of great importance, can be our Friend. He need not agree with us about the answer. (pg. 61)
The Friends will still be doing something together ... still travelling companions, but on a different kind of journey. Hence we picture lovers face to face but Friends side by side; their eyes look ahead. (pg. 61)
(And he says in each chapter that "this" type of love does not necessarily or even usually stand alone ... it's good when your lover is also your friend and visa versa ... commingled with a good amount of affection I would say.)
The very condition of having Friends is that we should want something else besides Friends. Where the truthful answer to the question Do you see the same truth? would be "I see nothing and I don't care about the truth; I only want a Friend", no Friendship can arise - though Affection of course may. There would be nothing for the Friendship to be about; and Friendship must be about something, even if it were only an enthusiasm for dominoes or white mice. Those who have nothing can share nothing; those who are going nowhere can have no fellow-travellers. (pg.61)
(And here is where losing the camaraderie of the flight school environment was so nearly devastating for me ... I lost the time in the air, and almost as important to me ... the time on the ground with this group of "friends". I am very tender now about this topic. I see why ... in this area, I have nothing for the friendship to be about ... I step back. It's kinda sad I guess ... and ... I don't want the pity. I did my own little private pity-party, well, kinda private, I did feel sorry for myself here ... lol ... sigh. Now I am trying to figure out where to from here. I'm trying not to look up every time I hear a plane. I say I believe that God is in control ... and if I really do, it might follow that He has something else in mind for my time. I learn hope.)
When the two people who thus discover that they are on the same secret road are of different sexes, the friendship which arises between them will very easily pass - may pass in the first half-hour - into erotic love. Indeed, unless they are physically repulsive to each other or unless one or both already loves elsewhere, it is almost certain to do so sooner or later. And conversely, erotic love may lead to Friendship between the lovers. But this, so far from obliterating the distinction between the two loves, puts it in a clearer light. If one who was first, in the deep and full sense, your Friend, is then gradually or suddenly revealed as also your lover you will certainly not want to share the Beloved's erotic love with any third. But you will have no jealousy at all about sharing the Friendship. (pg. 62)
For Friendship is utterly free from Affection's need to be needed. We are sorry that any gift or loan or night-watching should have been necessary - and now, for heaven's sake, let us forget all about it and go back to the things we really want to do or talk of together. Even gratitude is no enrichment to this love. The stereotyped "Don't mention it" here expresses what we really feel. The mark of perfect Friendship is not that help will be given when the pinch comes (of course it will) but that, having been given, it makes no difference at all. (pg. 64.)
A friend is more then an ally ...
Friendship, unlike Eros, is uninquisitive. You become a man's Friend without knowing or caring whether he is married or single or how he earns his living. What have all these "unconcerning things, matters of fact" to do with the real question, Do you see the same truth? In a circle of true Friends each man is simply what he is: stands for nothing but himself. (pg. 65)
It is an affair of disentangled, or stripped, minds. Eros will have naked bodies; Friendship naked personalities. (pg. 65)
Chapter 5 Eros
Chapter 6 Charity
Chapter 4
Friendship
Friendship
More then ... companionship, but built on companionship perhaps. More then who we spend actual time with ... friends "see" and allow themselves to be seen. I think friends are people I let in to my heart. Let's see what Lewis thinks ...
The typical expression of opening Friendship would be something like, "What? You too? I thought I was the only one." We can imagine that among those early hunters and warriors single individuals - one in a century? one in a thousand years? - saw what others did not; saw that the deer was beautiful as well as edible, that hunting was fun as well as necessary, dreamed that his gods might be not only powerful but holy. But as long as each of these percipient persons dies without finding a kindred soul, nothing (I suspect) will come of it; art or sport or spiritual religion will not be born. It is when two such persons discover one another, when, whether with immense difficulties and semi-articulate fumblings or with what would seem to us amazing and elliptical speed, they share their vision it is then that Friendship is born. And instantly they stand together in an immense solitude.
Lovers seek for privacy. Friends find this solitude about them, this barrier between them and the herd, whether they want it or not. They would be glad to reduce it. The first two would be glad to find a third. (pg. 60)
It may be a common religion, common studies, a common profession, even a common recreation. All who share it will be our companions; but one or two or three who share something more will be our Friends. In this kind of love, as Emerson said, Do you love me? means Do you see the same truth? - Or at least, "Do you care about the same truth?" The man who agrees with us that some question, little regarded by others, is of great importance, can be our Friend. He need not agree with us about the answer. (pg. 61)
The Friends will still be doing something together ... still travelling companions, but on a different kind of journey. Hence we picture lovers face to face but Friends side by side; their eyes look ahead. (pg. 61)
(And he says in each chapter that "this" type of love does not necessarily or even usually stand alone ... it's good when your lover is also your friend and visa versa ... commingled with a good amount of affection I would say.)
The very condition of having Friends is that we should want something else besides Friends. Where the truthful answer to the question Do you see the same truth? would be "I see nothing and I don't care about the truth; I only want a Friend", no Friendship can arise - though Affection of course may. There would be nothing for the Friendship to be about; and Friendship must be about something, even if it were only an enthusiasm for dominoes or white mice. Those who have nothing can share nothing; those who are going nowhere can have no fellow-travellers. (pg.61)
(And here is where losing the camaraderie of the flight school environment was so nearly devastating for me ... I lost the time in the air, and almost as important to me ... the time on the ground with this group of "friends". I am very tender now about this topic. I see why ... in this area, I have nothing for the friendship to be about ... I step back. It's kinda sad I guess ... and ... I don't want the pity. I did my own little private pity-party, well, kinda private, I did feel sorry for myself here ... lol ... sigh. Now I am trying to figure out where to from here. I'm trying not to look up every time I hear a plane. I say I believe that God is in control ... and if I really do, it might follow that He has something else in mind for my time. I learn hope.)
When the two people who thus discover that they are on the same secret road are of different sexes, the friendship which arises between them will very easily pass - may pass in the first half-hour - into erotic love. Indeed, unless they are physically repulsive to each other or unless one or both already loves elsewhere, it is almost certain to do so sooner or later. And conversely, erotic love may lead to Friendship between the lovers. But this, so far from obliterating the distinction between the two loves, puts it in a clearer light. If one who was first, in the deep and full sense, your Friend, is then gradually or suddenly revealed as also your lover you will certainly not want to share the Beloved's erotic love with any third. But you will have no jealousy at all about sharing the Friendship. (pg. 62)
For Friendship is utterly free from Affection's need to be needed. We are sorry that any gift or loan or night-watching should have been necessary - and now, for heaven's sake, let us forget all about it and go back to the things we really want to do or talk of together. Even gratitude is no enrichment to this love. The stereotyped "Don't mention it" here expresses what we really feel. The mark of perfect Friendship is not that help will be given when the pinch comes (of course it will) but that, having been given, it makes no difference at all. (pg. 64.)
A friend is more then an ally ...
Friendship, unlike Eros, is uninquisitive. You become a man's Friend without knowing or caring whether he is married or single or how he earns his living. What have all these "unconcerning things, matters of fact" to do with the real question, Do you see the same truth? In a circle of true Friends each man is simply what he is: stands for nothing but himself. (pg. 65)
It is an affair of disentangled, or stripped, minds. Eros will have naked bodies; Friendship naked personalities. (pg. 65)
And here I remember a favorite line from the movie AVATAR, "I see you." To me this is the distillation of what friend and to friend ... is. I think we are all really good at operating with our protective shields "up" ... a friend is invited behind the masking, protective layers. I offer friendship where my soul is vulnerable and from what I've seen, the offering is made in love. A friend asked, "Why am I telling you this (this thing that grieves me)?" and I was compelled to answer ... "Because I live that pain also ... I get it." A hand was clasped at that point and from there the friendship has blossomed. How did that happen? I don't know for sure ... I personally believe it was the hand of God steering souls towards a friendship where His goodness could be administered by vessels of clay.
So ... I'm saying that I think a "symptom" of friendship is that one may share disentangled/stripped minds/souls. It's not at all just about sharing our private pains, but a lot more about sharing joy. I think it is a bit like falling with the assurance of a safe landing. (One may learn how to "fly" all the way to the landing. It's so interesting to see how many different ways one may approach the deep water.)
I watched (over the years) as my little girl learned how to dive ... beginning with being slid face first from a slippery wet mat on the side of the pool, to the 3 meter board, next the 5, and then on up the tower ... each dive sliced in to the water at the deep end. I sat in the risers on the second floor, present, but as inconspicuous as possible watching ... and ... it was a beautiful process to behold. There were a couple of times when she was hurt pretty badly ... she stuck with it though. I saw her frustrated ... angry with herself and/or her coach. There were times when she wanted to just soak in the warmth of the hot tub spraying water around and rinsing her hair ... aggravating the coach. I saw her beaming with the triumphant achievement of vaults and flips and twists and the graceful athleticism acquired by extreme repetition. I saw her "fall" out of a handstand from the highest platform, twisting, flipping, pointed toes disappearing ... and I remembered the first squealing, nostrils pinched shut, running jump from that place (taken on a dare). She made falling in to the deep a thing of beauty.
It reminds me very much of this friendship kind of love. It looks a bit scary, but we learn how to do it ... we come to it gradually I think, sometimes with tiny mindful steps one by one and other times with hopeful running jumps ... 'cause something wonderful is occurring. Friendship ... I really like it.
But, for a Christian, there are, strictly speaking, no chances. A secret Master of the Ceremonies has been at work. Christ, who said to the disciples "Ye have not chosen me but I have chosen you," can truly say to every group of Christian friends "You have not chosen one another but I have chosen you for one another." The Friendship is not a reward for our discrimination and good taste in finding one another out. It is the instrument by which God reveals to each the beauties of all the others. They are no greater than the beauties of a thousand other men; by Friendship God opens our eyes to them. (pgs. 82&83)
(my emboldened print)
It reminds me very much of this friendship kind of love. It looks a bit scary, but we learn how to do it ... we come to it gradually I think, sometimes with tiny mindful steps one by one and other times with hopeful running jumps ... 'cause something wonderful is occurring. Friendship ... I really like it.
But, for a Christian, there are, strictly speaking, no chances. A secret Master of the Ceremonies has been at work. Christ, who said to the disciples "Ye have not chosen me but I have chosen you," can truly say to every group of Christian friends "You have not chosen one another but I have chosen you for one another." The Friendship is not a reward for our discrimination and good taste in finding one another out. It is the instrument by which God reveals to each the beauties of all the others. They are no greater than the beauties of a thousand other men; by Friendship God opens our eyes to them. (pgs. 82&83)
(my emboldened print)
No comments:
Post a Comment