Fluff

Calliope Hummingbird
(smallest hummer in U.S.A.)

Since I've been keeping this blog I've noticed a lot of things that I'm happy to observe and ... this isn't really how I want to spend my time this morning, noting those many observations, I just want to summarize whatever that stack of thoughts might be by saying ... a journal, journal keeping, has been really good for me.  I've made a few important acquaintances here, have "opened the door and sat out on the front porch with a few stranger/friends", which is a neat surprise for me, as intensely private as I sort of am.  That's something I might want to think about some other time,  Lewis describes perfectly what I agree with ... commonality makes for interesting companions ... distance makes those friendships possible for me.  None of that is what I wanted to note today ... what I am thinking is a journal has given me a place to become better acquainted with myself.  I can see how I spend my time ... what I'm thinking about, what I'm doing ... what I am afraid of ... where I am most ignorant (maybe most, at least mostly : ) ... . I enjoy the quiet time to explore stuff that is of interest to me.  And I notice that writing my thoughts about stuff helps me to refine and ... sieve my thinking (and feeling) about stuff.  
So ... it's the end of the year, and what I didn't know before that I "see" now, is I have some things I do at the end of the year that have nothing to do with getting the house ready for the holidays.  I don't make New Year's resolutions, but I do review my year and kind of make adjustments for what I want my next year to look like.  My birthday is a round nowish and I've always been fairly goal oriented ... what is worth this next year should God decide I get another one ... . Should I start learning  Spanish again?  I think I'll wait on that until I need it ... . 
Flight Instructing is a hot topic for me right now ... I'm deciding what I think I should do about that.  I really am not a good fit for the CLUB stuff.  I don't "get" it.  I don't like doing the continuous updating of what seems almost ... well, watching safety videos on how to move an airplane out of a hanger so that I can check a box on my safety currency.  Professional development stuff that gets awards for the chapter and higher ranking for the members ... just getting a copy of my FAA medical to the right person in the right way ... it blows my mind how much time and email communications and ... layers of explanations about how to and why to and who to ... it's really quite aggravating for me.  Maybe even too aggravating.  On the other hand ... they (the guys whose faces I have actually seen) need someone to "teach" their young people stuff that I am interested in.  Weather nerd stuff that I love to talk about but who nobody (else) I know wants to hear ... these guys if not particularly interested, are at least a captive audience (lol) ... they may actually want to know why some clouds have very "flat" bottoms (yeah, seriously, that kinda stuff is interesting to some people ... I do not have a clue why, but I find it ... interesting, the cloud part.)  Apparently, someone like me could actually flight instruct (for free ... do I really want to do that ... and if so, why?) for them (us?).  That would be offered pro-bono ... I could charge for ground instruction in some cases.  I just really don't know.  It does surprise me to see how easy it still is for me to demonstrate maneuvers and ... just help someone learn how to fly well.  It is aggravating though to see how deeply rooted "sloppy",  what I consider sloppy, technique or understanding can be.  And it's even with stupid little things like ... cross wind component for a landing where gusts are given ... it is almost unbearably bizarre to me that someone will argue "those are not sustained winds and therefore ... no need to consider"  ... it flips my switch.  It doesn't even really matter because it's just academic ... and it flips my switch.  If we were in the airplane and they didn't think gusts might impact the landing ... that would actually be even worse.  And ... I have questions ... about performance stuff for the airplane.  It has a 180 HP STC ... "changes posted" penciled in to the POH ... there is an updated page for cruise performance, but no new data for TO or LDNG distances ... well, cruise performance is the only thing performance wise with "better" info. The hp changed, the tanks changed, the BEW changed, the airspeeds changed ... somebody came through the limitations section with an ink pen and a high lighter and ... made the changes in some of the numbers.  I don't know who.  I don't even know if it's legal but ... I bet if there was a problem it could potentially be my "fault"  ... I am the only CFI associated with this particular POH right now and I don't have any idea who or how to ask ... for all I know it may inappropriate for my eyebrows to go up this.  Well ... the bottom line for me is I am really trying to figure out if it's worth it to me.  I get to fly for about half of what it would cost me to rent else where, but the flying I can do in that plane is only with members of that club.  As truly nice as everyone is ... I just don't know.  Now they want to me to make a commitment to teach a couple nights a month and sit in meetings a couple nights a month and ... do little exercises that I am not even a tiny bit interested in doing.  I could have gotten "free" flight time this year to go discover which plane had it's ELT activated by an on field rough landing.  That's the carrot.  I just don't know if I can bring enough of myself to this to be okay with continuing it.  I told my husband that I really don't think I'm supposed to dread my volunteer stuff.  And ... everyone takes so much pride in knowing and enforcing or bickering about the "rules".  I ... may not be  much for rules.  I do really good to mind the speed limit ... watching my naughty talk takes up almost all of my "social" reserves.  And ... I'm not in that great a mood about the general state of things (in life in general) that I have an excess of joy to sprinkle around.  And ... I'm not even sure I have the patience to work well with jr high through college age young men who think wearing a uniform is cool for its own sake.  It's like dress up to me ... like pretend time.  I just don't get it.  And, I  don't want to be a stinker.  As I work through this, I think the best I can commit to is helping out with the teaching part until my membership dues are due again ... and then I will have to evaluate.  I can say ... if this is about flying, it is not worth it to me.  I am okay with not flying airplanes.  I always love it when I can do it, but it's just not that big a deal.  I had to cancel a flight this week for personal reasons and ... it wasn't a problem.  Carrots tend to come with a stick attached.  I don't like having to watch out for the stick.  To be "hit" goes deeper then whatever joy may be found up there.  I guess that's the answer for me.  Flying is not worth what it costs me.  I have been saying to myself ... yeah, that's obviously true for now, but what about in a year or two ... and I think whatever kind of flying may be available to me in a year or two ... the chance of it, unknown what ever it may be ... just isn't that big a deal.

Gosh, isn't that a sweet little bird?  All grey with a magenta throat ... hummingbirds are such little athletes!   Thinking about the living room couches lately ... we like this room being painted dark grey.  That has been surprisingly delightful for all of us.  Here is a photo of the settees I'm thinking about ... not this one from Neiman's (I didn't even look at the price) but something similar.  

It's not that I am such a huge fan of magenta ... and pink, it's that I like a fairly bland palette with small (easily changeable) pops of color.  My husband likes these colors.  I lean towards blues and greens.  I think it would be swell to be able to change a room's feel by changing the "fluff".
And ... I think that's what I'm thinking about in my life ... the fluff.  I have time now for fluff and I think I want to be mindful about how I spend my time.

and ... it's not that I mind whiling away a bit of time, only that it doesn't make sense to do it on things that are continuously aggravating.  I gotta save "aggravating" for the promises already made.