I have decided to push my "sad" aside. My sad I cannot fix. It's circumstantial and I've been on the planet long enough to know that things change. I am going to concentrate on what I can appreciate. On what I can be thankful for. My husband gave me a present at the beach. It is a coffee thermos from the "Life is Good" store. It is pretty adorable. Five likes their cute little graphic tees, and they are sweet. Too sweet for my closet, but this thermos is just right for me. It is buttery yellow with a stainless steel interior. On the front " Life is Good", and on the back "do what you like like what you do". A thermos for my delicious hot coffee so I can drink it on the way to the airport. I like it.

Sad time is over I'm going to pull the stuff that works together and concentrate on excelling at what I like.

Eighteenth floor right on the sand had some real advantages. Both the great room and the master bedroom enjoyed a floor to ceiling ( spectacular) Gulf view. I liked the balconies and the ability to open glass doors to catch the sounds and scents of the coast. Last night the moon was full and I loved seeing it glide across the sky painting the water's surface with various shades of grey. I'm pretty sure Monet was inspired by those kind moonbeams. Last night's semi- routine wake ups were welcome. I thought of that old Cat Stephens song - Moonshadows.

Now we're driving West to see the oil spill ... All we saw was beautiful white beaches. Everything looked good. All good.

I saw a lot of people on motorcycles. I think motorcycle rides look like a lot of fun. I thought a ride through the mountains would be fun, but after seeing motorcycles on those long stretches of road along the shore I can see that they'd be fun in a lot of different places. I wish we had the ability to hover like the vehicles in Return of the Jedi. I am afraid of motorcycles because I am afraid of the irregularities of asphalt. Wheels seem so inefficient.

I took Friday off. FI called and said the chief is packing his car. Friday was his last day. He worked very hard at what he knew to do at the flight school. I can see why his time at the helm is up, but I can also see his contributions. Tuesday will send off one of the most senior young CFIs. He will be missed. I am pretty fond of several of those young men. We expect many more of them to matriculated in the next couple of months. I'm proud of them. So - we're looking at w change in leadership and the normal ebb ans flow of these guys moving on to what comes next for their careers. Good strong pilots. Last week was a rough week - I sure hope things begin to stabilize soon

A book titled "The Jesus I Never Knew" ~Phillip Yancey, does a pretty good job of describing those wounded or broken parts of our psyches or souls, as where an arrow (or many arrows) found it's mark. I was given a bow and arrows for Christmas when I was 11 years old. I loved playing with it. Over the next several years I practiced shooting my growing collection of arrows. I loved watching them fly. I would shoot them into a hay bale. Or sometimes through stuff we hung in the trees. I've admired cross bows recently. As I said earlier, I am not a hunter. I've never had to kill an animal so I haven't. I know a kid who loves to bow hunt and I have looked at the pictures of his trophies (kills). The arrow slits the flesh as it enters, knifing its way in to disable and eventually cause or facilitate the death of the animal. I'm not a tree hugger...let people hunt if they want to...I'm not judging (or really even thinking about that). I'm mentioning the whole arrow thing in support of what I am thinking about today. Which is: all of us walk around with those wounds and/or scars where the arrows that life pierces us with came through the soft flesh. Wounds, cracks ... same idea.
A clean edged wound sutures better. A surface wound heals faster. Clean wounds, protected wounds .... Tended wounds. I try to not leave wounds where I messed up and said or did something hurtful. I also try to tend to my own wounds - so they don't become large, disabling sore spots. Sometimes that is not possible. I have an old wound. The arrows came in slowly, one followed by another, all finding the same mark and when I pulled one out I began to bleed out. The next arrow I left in place as a precaution... Sometimes the remedy is worse than the ruin. Somebody came by with medicine for my wound and my wound got better. I got stronger. That is somthing to be thankful for.

1 July - I saw several typos here and that happens when I post directly from my phone like I sometimes do. Anyway, as I read through this today I remembered my dad saying "You can lick your wounds, but don't pick them." My dad. Hahaha. My brother and I talked about that. He observed that our dog was a big advocate of wound licking. We decided that my dad meant that literally! My mom would have passed flat out if she had seen any of us licking an oowie! That's pretty good advice when understood! Daddy tried. : )

pouring our "love" in to each other

That quote at the top of the page - The way to love someone is to lightly run your finger over that person's soul until you find a crack, and then gently pour your love into that crack ~ Keith Miller - when I saw that I knew it was perfect, but we can't really do that, can we?
This blog, I write for myself (it's amazing how clear stuff gets as I take time to write it down), and also for my two traveling girlfriends ... I know I said the thing about being raised with boys yesterday, but y'all know I've done most of my growing up with you. I said a few days ago, that I know what my role is in a group ... my role is to help coalesce the group. You do that by finding the bonding compound and applying it judiciously. You don't try to change anyone, you just find their attachment points and build from there ... sometimes you build a bridge, sometimes you get an attachment that is so clean that it disappears...seamless. I am excited to see that that can be done from the outside too ... . That part of me that not trusting took hostage ... I had said goodbye to that part of me. I thought that part of me was gone. I had started doing pretty good with my nextgen trust right at that time when I realized - well I actually asked the question; can I still sorta trust you (because if you have to ask you already aren't working with real trust) And then Britney starting singing Oops I did it again. Someone who seemed to know said randomly, "If someone does that to you, they will do it again." I wanted that to be wrong, so I asked. And what I found out, I didn't want to know. I didn't want to think about it. It hurt too much to think about it ... yeah, that thing I've asked God to think about. It was obvious to all that my trust circuitry was almost repaired when that lightening bolt hit home. I don't want to be messed up. At very least and probably the truth is at the most as well, I want to trust God. That is the foundation of a well relationship. I want my soul to be well. That crack...all those cracks...I would very much like to be a vessel glued back together. The down side to that is when you glue someone, that glue becomes a part of them too. Just because you can't see the glue you put there doesn't mean it's not there. So we put a bit of ourselves - that stuff that we have an abundance of whatever it is - into each others cracks.
Hmmm that sounds a little colorful - I'll try again.
"I can do all things through Christ who strenghtens me." But He doesn't show up with skin on -atleast not that I've been aware of. He lets us participate by doing what we do - being who we really are - and (sometimes inadvertently)gently pouring our gift in to that broken area of the people around us. We do that without even trying to when we are being authentically who we're supposed to be. That is exactly why it's so important to just be who we are intended to be. (That sniper show - the person who had to be killed wasn't someone's love, he was the stack of the people he would kill if you let him. I'm saying that here because you - the real you - are not just someone God loves, you also represent all the healing compound that only you can put in to the brokenness around you.)
That is enough thinking for one morning ... the washer has stopped and I think there is only one load behind this one. And - today i get to fly and I need to get my head there so I can rock the maneuvers - it's been almost two weeks.
This post goes with that post titled Nascent (I think). Need to see if that is in storage or out here.

joint projects

Today I am reading reading reading the REGs. OMG what a ton of regs ...I read them every semester, but I think I better start some kind of continuous circle through. I learn stuff with every pass - I am worrying about getting hammered on the regs when I get to my certification process. Today, I am doing heavy laundry (slip covers)and cooking too. I want some meals ready for those nights that I teach. My girls were fussing this morning and that always grates on me. Now they are buddies again and off to the pool. I am so glad that I grew up with only boys ... boys get quiet when they are annoyed. Quiet is underrated. I like the litmus test "will it matter a year from now?", if not - chillax. I say that. I am the person who is pretty close to redlining my worry gauge! Stress management. That is the new topic for DeAnnie. I so do not want to take my 50plus year old self out for that 5 mile morning run. That helps - I used to like it before I let it go ... but it's not optimal for my age, and it made my husband nervous. It would not be helpful in our current tenuous state for me to be out at the gym with all the early birds. I am not and have never been a hunter ... one significant other in a lifetime is enough of a challenge for me! He really should get that by now! Yoga - time consuming and it just feels like fancy stretching - it feels good but kinda self-indulgent and time consuming too. Seems like all my time is consumed by tending to my family and pursuing the certificate. I do this blog to relax. And I listen to music in the bathtub. I was noticing that I was starting to have a martini every night. I stopped that. Drinking doesn't build anything. My husband said he likes me better when I have a cocktail, but I have noticed that him having a cocktail works just as well. Bitchy. He is acting very nice right now - still no ring - I think he has backed himself into a corner where putting it back on would make him feel like he lost points in his game. I don't care if he has it on or not as far as my feelings go. I am concerned that he is sending out a message that he doesn't want everyone to hear, but it is his business. The ring is a symbol of something that is ... shattered? ... It's a marriage, but not the one either of us hoped for. I am cynical about marriage.

Maybe, that's part of the stress load that I can manage better. I'm still thinking about that history channel sniper show. I'm thinking about the words that were wrapped around the events ... it made the kills very doable - manageable - they never called it a kill. The target was neutralized...yeah. The snipers were interviewed and I could see the pride just behind their eyes. I was proud of them too, frankly. Impressive. If the exact same events were played out with different words playing it could have affected me entirely differently. That may not make sense quite. If the shooters had been laughing ... if they had not seemed to be serious or dignified ... grave. Maybe this time in my life is like depression that sets in on some people at Christmas time. We buy in to this idea that is presented on the face of Christmas cards ... the lights and decorations ... the festivities seem like that chicken dancing inside the glass box in Reynosa. Maybe I am ready to accept the truth that marriages - my marriage - isn't what I thought it would be or what I hoped it would be. What in life is? I think I need to assess the big pieces ... take a hard look at what we've got to work with here. There are some good pieces left. I'm proud of a lot of what we have built together. We've got several joint-projects to complete yet. That is where I need to think. Not about how different this is than what I hoped and worked for. The reality of what I've got, not what I think I wish for. I really do feel angry at my husband and part of me - my hand - would love to take my ring off and toss it at him and say "I'm out." But I know I will not do that - ever. I made that decision many many years ago. So - I am in. And because I am in I will do my best. In the past I made the mistake of letting him decide what a good wife was, but I am older and wiser now and I realized one day about a year or so ago, that I have to answer for myself. And that is serious business. I gotta let go of the pretty picture that I want my marriage to be and make it the best version of what it actually is. I think that will help reduce the stress for me. I am grieving for something that isn't. Wisps. I need to move past that to what is.

Father's Day

"We are like dwarfs sitting on the shoulders of giants. We see more, and things that are more distant, than they did, not because our sight is superior or because we are taller than they, but because they raise us up, and by their great stature add to ours." ~attributed to John of Salisbury 11c monk and later idea expressed by Sir Isaac Newton..."If I have seen further, it is by standing on the shoulders of giants."


My dad was a tall man, he seemed like a giant to me, and when he put me up on his shoulders I was thrilled with the view. Sometimes he'd hold on to me by my ankles leaving my arms free to fly about. I loved it when he'd throw me up and catch me shrieking, fly me ... fly me .
Thanks for encouraging me to go over the mountain and really look for what I could see ... thanks for encouraging me to decide for myself what to see and what I thought of what I could see ... thanks for underlining the idea that "you can't believe everything you see" ... thanks for helping me understand that just because I see it that way doesn't always mean I'm right, or when I won't/can't see it at all doesn't mean it's not real ... What I am trying to say is thanks for teaching me to believe in myself ... thanks for helping me want to stop short of arrogance and lack of compassion.

Thanks Daddy, for being such a great dad and friend. I don't know how you pulled it off, but I felt like I could talk with you about anything. I liked it that you listenned so intently. I liked it that your comments felt like ideas and not commands.

Thanks for the care you took of us. I miss you.

Today.
I am practicing staying in today.
I began tidying up True North recently - storing some of the older posts while I decide if they still belong here, or not. This past year and a half or so I've been thinking about and working on trust. I thought the trust application was what was most broken about me. The saying "when the student is ready, the teacher will appear" has been true. I was ready to trust and someone trustworthy came along. Wow. He did not look like someone I would trust. My first impression of him wasn't favorable and I don't remember when I started liking him...probably right around the time I suddenly trusted him. I expected trust to feel like a warm blanket, sorta soothing, sorta comforting. If you could taste it, it would be buttery like girl scout cookies. Instead trust made me feel safe and strong enough to trust myself. Now I am trying to think "I trust you" every time I can...similar to building any muscle - light reps at first. And, it doesn't have to be a big deal. It can be "I trust you with something specific and minor". It's a little bit about self confidence, but it hasn't settled out yet so I am unable to process it still. But it's good. I still do not like the huge " I trust you" because for me that seems to forge a bond that makes me feel too vulnerable...it feels like giving a piece of yourself into their care and probably imposes a burden on the trustee. I am going to try to trust God like that. And I think that kind of trust equals faith. I trusted someone trustworthy and nothing about that specific dynamic has changed because I still trust them. I don't see them anymore so it's pretty convenient for me to trust someone who is not around to mess it up : ) just kidding ... I think. All kidding aside, that teacher gave me a gift: the ability to choose to trust,which can lead me to trusting God by choosing to do so.

Now I want to start working on staying in the day. I want to practice being intentional about today. Part of that means not worrying too far out about stuff I know is beyond my control.
I've never been considered controlling by anyone who knows me well. I do have a lot of opinions, that's true. I know what I think about the things I've thought about. I also really like stuff to have a place and be in that place, but that doesn't happen often in a home with a lot of helpers. I don't mean that facetiously. People have all different ways of how they think things should be done. I would alphabetize the pantry if it was "my" pantry ... but I don't impose my system on the rest of my family. If they fold the towels I accept their way of folding.
One of my sons recently had me proof a paper he wrote on "sliding" - which means not thinking about stuff that needs some attention. A slider lets events move her along. Reactive rather than proactive. I'm definitely not saying that planning isn't good just that fretting is counterproductive.
Back to staying in the day: Like the certif I'm currently working on. Worrying about it actually makes a successful completion less likely... And it steals a lot of the shear joy out of the exercise. Am I going to have to support my self as a flight instructor? I could legitimately fret about that. And that is silly. Everyone knows flight instructors can't make ends meet. Worrying about the check ride gauntlet is counterproductive. I want to enjoy the process and I want to enjoy the day as it unfolds.
My kid just walked through and said "M24 sniper rifle" - how does he know that? I'm sitting here by myself watching the History channel. These sniper guys really think in detached terms. I need to adopt a strategy something like that to maximize my efforts. The check pilot has been called Herr whatever ... I'm gonna start thinking of him as twinkie starting...now
Today. We planted 6 blueberry trees. We planted the three new bushes I have wanted in places where the sticker bushes were. The sticker bushes are finally gone thanks to that kid who graciously contributed what he could to help his mom. He doesn't fold towels well, but that is okay.
Today is almost complete. I am going to spend the rest of it re-reading the regs. That will help.

Is sukalicious a word?

wow what a sukalicious day. Honestly, other than someone dying I cannot remember a more stressful day. I do two things - well, three.
I try to walk with my hand in God's hand. I realize that my retardedness makes that walk very tedious for God, but He set this up not me so....
I try to honor the promises I have made ... to my husband within the context of our marriage and to my five children. I remember holding each one of them in my arms while I watched them take their first breathes - I promised that I would always do my very best for them. What's best is hard to figure out, but I am deeply committed to addressing that.
And three - I fly. I fly to rebuild myself, to get back some of who was compromised along the way (difficult accomplishments make me stronger)and I fly with the objective of helping others as they reach for this goal...what it means to me is of little concern, people have their own reasons for doing things that are difficult and I am comfortable with providing support for that.

I am not thrilled - less than - about how things are for my family. That may not be a huge big deal. I really don't know. I like that One has graduated and is doing a good job of making hard choices. Two - partying, but maybe okay ...maybe on track. Three - coming up on senior year ... strong, confident, kind, looking like a man will happen there. Four - mini me ... she'll be okay. And Five ... she's ten... she's looking pretty good. Marriage - hmmm - I didn't see this coming and it may be that middle age crazy thing ... it is seriously pissing me off but I may be able to get through this. Thirty years in. I should be able to figure this one out. Either way should look about the same for me. Alone is doable, if not preferable... that remains to be seen. I'm not a big fan of bitter, but I may have to walk through that, I don't haftah stay there. I have my ring off and I am kind of okay with the whole goose and gander thing. I am remembering the me that won't to be fucked with. I'm just a little bit tired of trying to be a sweetheart all the time.

And then I fly. I have never seen such a confusing mess as this flight school mess. I am going to think about this, but not tonight. I have never been this unsure about my path before. My buddy said, "don't blow a gasket over this", but seriously, this is not looking right.

I totally know that this sounds like someone who has had a martini and a half but ... even the beach is getting fucked up.

I like the stories that a stack of quilts tells. My Great grandmother was a quilter. As I have mentioned previously, she lived with my grandparents towards the end of her life. After school I would sometimes drop by and visit with her. Mainly I just threaded her needles and watched as she worked. She was a shy woman, but very peaceful, and I enjoyed asking her questions and hearing her stories. She had arrived from California via the airlines. She loved to fly she said. Her son, my Uncle Bill, bought her a special traveling outfit which was slacks. She told me that she felt almost indecent wearing slacks ... she must have been at least 75 years older than I, probably more. I loved her and I enjoyed her soft spokenness and her openness - there was no telling what she might say, but she chose her words carefully and was so ladylike. It makes me smile to think of her. She was half Cherokee and as tall as I am with laughing golden green eyes and soft shining white hair.



She explained to me that quilts were made from the usable scraps of worn out clothing. Here is the dress I wore to ... and the edge from that old table cloth ... this was ... . She wandered through with a story for this piece and that piece. She saw quilting as an art form and I'm thinking now maybe as a way of preserving her memories.

I have a stack of quilts that I like quite a bit.

I started remembering her this morning as I updated my photo blog. It is a lot like a quilt. Each photo holds a story for that day. Each photo holds a second that in turn holds a scrap from that day. My daughter suggested we do it together and I thought yes in support of her, but it has turned out so far to be my project, and I enjoy it immensely. She may "catch up", either way is perfectly fine. I enjoy very much adding my photos and looking back at previous ones. I like seeing the trends of what I like to look at and how I like to see things. It's a lot of fun.

focus

Airport ops etc. tonight - I enjoyed being back with my class. Private ground students are very enthusiastic about learning. Well, atleast initially. I'll have to throw them over my shoulder and run through the weather/regs stage two material. They don't love weather theory. My favorite CFI really helped me see "invisible" weather. Wind is a big deal. They are not sensitive to that yet. The regs are a very important element to me. They have to know the rules to keep their certificate safe and to be responsible citizens of the aviation community.

I really enjoyed my flight today. My buddy is getting ready for a ride. I got to show off my smokin' hot power off 180 technique. He was so impressed and I of course was delighted. It felt really good to 'splain it to him.

No flying tomorrow. I have some ground work and some housework to do. Hope to get to swim with my girls also.

I felt cherished and safe... And that's still not the right words for the feeling. Cherished was an initial but fleeting feeling. Safe was always a part of that feeling of trust until something happenned to upset things and then I was intentionally undermined. I was taken down at the weather desk. Pretty funny. Lots of pilots have problems at the weather desk. Trusting lulled me in to feeling interpersonally safe. But I wasn't.

What's better for hunting? A rifle, maybe with a scope? A hand gun? The close range would give the deer a better chance... More sporting some might say, but then does the deer think the hunter is unarmed? At the lake there was a man who would feed the deer every evening. He even slid flea collars over their necks. He did his hunting with a knife.
My husband didn't rejoice with me that I had experienced the ability to trust (someone other than him). He's the guy walking around without his wedding ring on. College ring yes. Wedding ring no. Yesterday, my flying buddy asked me what do your children think of their Dad w/o his ring on? One thinks I need to see an attorney. Two is unaware. Three may be unaware, if he does know he's thinking about how to use it to his advantage. Four is mad at me for not being more jr league...she's pretty sure that's the problem. And Five thinks daddy's ring just doesn't fit. "Wow, why's he doing this?" flying buddy asked. I shrugged and said, "It's some kind of power game". Just another power game that I don't quite understand. Just another way of sucking the energy out of me. "Do you think y'all will divorce?" he asked. I said "I think marriage is a covenant relationship." Meaning God's business. I am trying to reach for how it felt to trust. I am trying to trust God. I am trying to believe what I can't see. The invisible moving the visible.

Everything seems at loose ends and I feel scared. I wish I could just give up today. I'm spending another summer training and I am questioning myself. Women like me are doing bakram yoga and shopping. Seems like everyone has a coach bag. I feel like I'm just not a very good woman sometimes.

Today's flight was fun and discouraging all within the same 1.0. My flying buddy says I should fly more mechanical, the FI I'm working with fusses about me flying too mechanically... Everybody has an opinion, a different opinion. I'm working on my talk about the Vg diagram... Can't really discuss that without looking at several concepts. Then I hear one of the FSDO guys is all about systems while the other guy is all about aerodynamics. I started this part 141 and we've lost our examing authority ... I feel the hurdles growing, shifting. I'm isolating myself by being interested in flying when I'm the only pilot I know other than the guys at the flight school.

My FI said 5 years of instructing and I'd be burned out on it. He wondered what I might do then. He said I know you like flying a Navajo, you'd like a King Air... I told him I was thinking about instructing at the beach ... Maybe flying a little with retirees who have lost their medicals. I told him I'd have to charge a little higher than the going rate just so they wouldn't think it was a date. He laughed.

I'm just feeling sorry for myself tonight. Stressed.