I'm thinking a few things about this roller coaster that flight training has become. For one thing, as I've said earlier, it's hard for me to actually "say" that something is important to me. This certificate is important to me. I tend to back away from letting things get important to me. I definitely keep people at an arms lenght ... or further if possible. I've noticed that I do that even with the people I love. Teenagers are brutal! They say the meanest things sometimes and of course mine have learned that I like everyone to feel nurtured. I've learned to not be moved by everything I hear.

I want to finish this because I do finish what I start. Had I been able to see ahead I wouldn't have started this. I started this when I started the instrument rating - so long ago that I can't remember when without digging a logbook out. When I stopped flying several years ago, I wasn't ready to not fly. It was important to me, but it seemed impossible to continue given my circumstances. I didn't feel like a loser - I felt like something was lost. What happened is, I got the chance to come back and train with some excellent instructors. I had been working with pilots who had just a bit more experience than me - who had trained with pilots who had just a bit more ... . I didn't know I would be back and I didn't know the wait would be worth it. But it has been. Part of what I've learned is to move forward even in to the unknowns (because really, everything is unknown). Maybe that's a trust thing. I think it is.

Now there seems to be a lot of upheaval. I feel uprooted. I feel kinda messed with. I also feel strong enough to say this is important to be. This is mine. I have worked hard and done the things I was supposed to do to get to this point. There's just a little more to do, and I can do that. I am confident that I can with God's help and the help of the people who are working with me. I need to quit listenning to input that takes my confidence down. It's a difficult time for everyone - many more so then me.

While this is important to me in many ways this doesn't matter in the way it does to a lot of the guys out there. This isn't a step in a fabulous career. This doesn't even have to pay the rent. So within that context - this isn't that important. I can keep this in perspective. This is more of a journey towards making me in to who I want to be. The flying is a cool venue for that. This being hard and over run with pop ups is giving me a chance to grow. That may be the real gift here - I've seen a lot of people who just check out on their lives ... overcome by the obstacles ... . I'm blessed.