Something interesting (to me) and weird happened this morning. I frequently wake up before my husband on Sunday (and Saturday - I wake up at my usual time or early - he sleeps late because he can). If I can I stay in bed and read. Sometimes I try to sneak out for coffee and then come back and read ... that potentially wakes him up and I like for him to treat himself to extra sleep when he will. Today I read about Doolittle's Raiders ... #13 was describing his life both before and after the war. I started thinking about where I may be on the time line for my life and I think I have a lot of life still ahead. I am in the middle of being a wife and mother, but my children range from adult down to highly capable and I see that I am timing out on that part of my life being as exclusive a focus. That's part of the reason for working towards something that I love to do ... or at least hope I will! The weird thing: My husband woke up and said, "You are so beautiful (that sort of thing)." And I said I was looking at a picture of myself and I really wish I would lose this extra 20 pounds ... and he said something like don't worry about that now, you have enough on your plate ... and I think you are lovely. Pretty nice talk. I thought to myself that I have never thought of myself as attractive (or unattractive for that matter). I think of my fitness but not my looks. But - when I see an old picture of myself I can see a pretty woman or girl. As I laid there I could almost feel those tiny wrinkles and loose dry skin that old women have. I imagined myself with thin white hair and deep lines. It was an odd feeling. I've seen old ladies with their skin kinda hanging on the bone - hahaha - I'm laughing because I imagine my self with a slack rear end and bonely knees. I'm laughing at the potential for an old me not at old people in general. L. had some show on last night where really old people were talking about how great their sex lives were. Seriously! It felt weird to feel myself old. I said to my husband that I should just enjoy this time (when someone really thinks I am beautiful). I bet I look back at these days (through the cataracts...eewww) and I'll think I was strong and lovely. I'll like my capable hands and all the rest of me. A lot of living will happen between now and then. Some of it will matter, but a lot of it won't matter as much as it will seem to at the time. By then I hope I'll have many good memories stored in this jar of clay.
I need to enjoy the muscle tone while I can!