I'm thinking about something.
What if the lessons I learn here are transferable to there.
And they are. We all know that.
What if the lessons I learn now are foundational for what I am able to learn later.
And they are. We all know that.
What if what I am really working on is this and that.

Some one was talking about a rerack ... re boot ... recycle. One little gremlin running amok held up the whole shebang. How much could one little misthink mess up? Yeah, it depends.

One of the things I love about being older is I have a catalogue of experiences to pull from. I see people around me who could, but don't ... and sometimes I don't either ... transfer learning. My husband who is very smart and probably knows me better than anyone else says I am a "random access brain".

I am trying to finish a project that has significance to me. I know why it is significant. The layer that allows me to flight instruct is superficial - not to say it is unimportant to me because, it is quite important, The other layers are private matters and have nothing to do with sitting in the airplane with someone who is dangerously unskilled ... enthusiastically unaware ... arrogantly inexperienced ... a beginner. Yeah. I'm looking forward to working with those student-pilots, but that is not what I'm learning/building here. It totally is and it's not - not really.

I can see this dangling right out there ... right in front of me. I can smell it ... almost ... almost touch it. That is the frustrating part. That's where I am emotionally exposed in this process. Guess what? I actually fly quite well. My skill set is strong. I can see that I will be an excellent instructor ... in an airplane. These other lessons or learning experiences are for something else - I don't know what. That's the stuff I have learned to trust God with. I think He knows what He's doing. I just wish I could see it.

Just a little silliness here -
I seem to be out of practice with frozen margaritas. I drank one at lunch today and had a headache for the rest of the day. This summer I drank my first dirty martini - I like martinis. Larry and I drove up to Chicago during the summer of 2007. The jeep was brand new and I thought it would be fun to make a rode trip with the top down. It was fun. He was in Chicago to work, I went along and spent the days wandering. The museum there was fantastic. One day I did the Frank Lloyd Wright bus tour. It was a great time for me. At dinner every night I ordered a martini ... chocotini was my favorite. I haven't been able to recreate that. But I prefer dirty martinis now.
Tonight we saw the American. Neither of us like the movie. I amused myself by sneaking in some dove dark chocolates. I saved the wrappers to read later.
Here they are:
Face up to fear, every challenge is a blessing.
Live from your heart,it will never steer you wrong.
lessons learned ->Dark chocolate good - even with out icy vodka.
I remember sitting on the front row at the movie theater watching the ... pool, Paul Newman, Robert Redford, lots of smoke. My best friend and I sat there smoking Marlboro 100s and pretending that all the smoke was on the screen when the usher came to tell us to cut it out. We thought it was hilarious ... we eventually grew up. Something about movie theaters makes me want to behave inappropriately. That was the Sting.
Ground was fun today. We talked about stability a bit more and spins.
I think I am a little bit afraid of this CFI stuff not working out for me ... it's hard to keep on putting myself out there when I seem unable to make things work ... .
On the way to the movie tonight my husband said something very nice - something about following your dreams and what you feel passionate about. He said it's obvious that I feel passionate about aviation ... and he didn't seem to mind.
Three boxes came from Texas this week. My brother in law is helping his mom shift through her belongings. He sent tokens for each of my children. Boxing gloves and Papas dominoes for One. China for Two which I asked him to store over there and he did. Several pieces of Waterford for Four and Five. Some art glass and Granddad's bible for Three. He sent their grandmothers bible to L and it had several lace hankies tucked in it ... for the girls weddings I said when he showed me. He sent Calvin's air force wings for me. Very thoughtful.
Tonight I am going to read : The Goal ... a gripping fast paced business novel that introduced the theory of constraints... . Eliyahu M. Goldratt and Jeff Cox. We'll see.

Yesterday I visited with FI/acting Chief about the student who just doesn't want to fly. We talked about that kinda just in time because the kid was in someone's sites for a little come to Jesus meeting.
After that we started talking about my flight training. He asked me how I was feeling and I started telling him ... then I started tearing up and I said I had to go and he said hold on a minute just sit right there and he reached for some paper napkins. Then I started crying. I hate that. It was bad yesterday and today I feel ... not better. I went through all three of his paper napkins ... sniffing like a cry baby and blowing my nose loudly. He stood up to go get more tissues saying, sit tight. He was going to the bathroom for some toilet paper. I shook my head and said "I'm out of snot." He laughed.
His advice for me is to just sit tight if I'm not going to finish up elsewhere. He said, "Don't run to trouble." He promised me that as soon as the new chief gets here he'll try to get my training spot opened. (I bet he will be able to do that.) Because we are a university program the students get preferential training slots. In the past, once someone was started they wouldn't be pulled til they finished their certificate. The director of flight education doesn't want to honor that or the other promises that were made to me by the previous chiefs. My FI told me to schedule an appointment with him and tell him what my situation has been. He thinks it will go well for me. My husband is aggravated with my start stop training experience. He thinks I should be a bit more aggressive about this. I told him that would mess up my chances of being hired as a CFI. He's about fed up with this whole deal. I really want to finish here ... do the ride with my FSDO ... and get a job flight instructing. I'd like to teach a few people how to fly. And then I'll be ready to go to the beach if that's what is next.

I taught a make up ground today. The student missed the first few nights because he had enrolled himself in instrument ground. He has given what I think is an erroneous impression of himself. He is the 19 year old son of a fighter pilot who has recently retired from the airlines. His grandfather was a military pilot and as it turns out has a base named after him ... is that true? I don't care enough to spend a moment researching that. The mom has already called a few times trying to get things on track for this kid. With that background, I'm a bit surprised that his ground school material consists of Cessna Learn to Fly CDs ... I'm not familiar with the actual content and maybe it is complete ... idk.
I met him and was immediately put off by his arrogance and something more but I couldn't put my finger on it. I wasn't looking forward to spending time introducing him to the books and syllabus for this class ... . We started at the top of page one. The class meets every T/Th from 6 to 7:30 I told him. He let me know that the class should really be over at 7:15. Yeah, that's the first time for that one ... I smiled at him and said I don't know why you think that and I don't need to know ... what I do want you to understand from the start is class starts at 6 and finishes when I say we are done ... sometimes that will be later than 7:30 but not often, because I will respect your time and you will learn to respect my time as well ... I won't be wasting time telling y'all about my weekend (Some one actually asked me how my weekend was right after I called roll ... I said if the class really wants to hear about my weekend they can stay late and I will tell them ... then they can share if they are so inclined ... I looked around the room ... no takers I asked with the slightest smile ... no? ... okay then let's start with the aerodynamics of slow flight ... . So now they know. ) and I would like for you to understand before we go any farther - I noticed last night that you were wide awake for the entire class and that's a good thing. (I had spoken to him about that after his nap during the first class he made it to). He smiled and nodded. I also noticed that you spent the entire lecture ... texting? ... playing a game? ... surfing the internet? ... it doesn't matter what you were doing, showing up and staying awake doesn't make you present. After a pause I said I'm not willing to lie for you ... when I sign the sheets I am saying that you were exposed to this specific material ... I'm not saying you understand it or will even remember it, but I am saying I believe you heard it. If you're not going to listen, I need you to put more effort in to at least making me think you might be. To make a long story short (er), I would say that this kid has everything he needs to be extremely successful at this - flying - except he doesn't want to.
He doesn't want to fly. He doesn't know how to tell his family that. He knows exactly what he wants to do - he wants to go to the beach. He told me that. He thinks he needs a year off to figure out what he wants to do with his life and he thinks the beach would be the place to figure that out. He doesn't want to spend his parents money on books, because he's pretty sure he's not going to read them. He feels bad about them paying for flight time when he doesn't really want to fly. He doesn't know what he wants to do, but he does know that it's not fly - and he feels really bad about letting everyone down. Honestly, what do you say to that? He thinks he's got a stage check lined up with my flight instructor ... I don't know if I'd hate to see that or if I'd love to see that. I told him to please not embarrass himself by thinking he can swag his way through that. We talked about him dropping this course ... he's already dropped history and needs to keep at least 12 hours going ... he's already ditched his flight hours saying that he prefers weekends ... he tells me that we're finding him a weekend CFI. I told him that he needs to protect his GPA for later - when he figures this thing out. I'm going to loan him a book (PHAK - he's given me his word that he'll return it). Obviously, I'll need to speak with the FI about this - this is above my pay grade.

ps - I know he may be playing me. I can see that he's kinda playing his folks - He wanted an SEC (party) school, they wanted a flight program ... that's why he's here. The weekend only flying constraint that he requested was specifically intended to limit his training. Every kid that sits in private ground has a story. All I expect from any of them is that they respect the rules and understand the consequences .

As I sat there with him hearing his version of his story I thought about my own story - rather the flying aspects. How many young people are there who wouldn't give anything to be in this kid's shoes, and yet this gift is his burden. I am an older person (meaning - no career path ahead because I too want to go to the beach - but after I do this not before - I would trade the beach for this if it made sense on my timeline), I am experiencing a lot of obstacles to completing my training. Yesterday morning I was whimpering under the load. Sitting there with him I could literally feel the difference between doesn't want to and absolutely has to. Today - I'm back at it. I'm improving my lecture notes on stability ... maneuverability ... and controllability.

It's Wednesday morning. I taught last night ... collision avoidance, wind correction while taxi-ing, transfer of airplane control ... safety issues, and less formally, the realities of a very busy uncontrolled field. I finished up aerodynamics in flight and moved to airspace and airport environment. I take pride in putting together a really strong presentation twice a week. When I drove out to the airport to pick up the certification sheets I heard yet another piece of annoying ... aggravating ... just one more thick layer of stink. I getting pretty tired. Weary. Why am I doing this? How much of my life am I willing to trade for this? The syllabus puts me less than ten hours short of finishing the CFI certificate ... . New chief ... number six is on the way. What will he be like? Will he see me pre-flighting and suggest that ... if I'm going to be up and down on an airplane all day the least I could do is wear a dress ... like a previous chief? Will my efforts be marginalized because I'm not a real student? Flight training is expensive. To earn a commercial certificates you gotta expect to pay around $40,000. (250. x 160). An airplane with an instructor bills at 197 bucks here. I'm in pretty deep. I look like a person who does this for fun. That $40,000. might have bought a high performance engine wrapped in some glossy sleekness ... instead we have invested in an unrelenting source of ... what? ... I love flying. I love the challenge of executing well, I love the stretching towards the knowledge requirements, I love the process and the polishing. I just don't see why it's so difficult to hold everything together long enough to give me a shot at my check ride. How much has this break in training cost me? No way of knowing. How many molecules have I ground off my teeth fretting about the FSDOs disposition ... .

I had been sleeping a lot better. Last night I woke up three different times and told myself not to fret. Don't be sad DeAnnie ... every thing's gonna be okay. Something really needs to be okay pretty soon. I am exhausted by this load ... I don't think I can take much more.

Okay - off to ground school. Yippee.

Sunday night Thankful

+A nice long hot bath - hiding out listening to music and reading
+Hot tea-blueberry
+Two walks today
+The most delicious steak ever for lunch
+I made those brussel sprouts in burre noir and capers - the dish was a big success. Everyone was in for lunch today and only V disliked - delicious
+I've been sleeping a lot better
+One of my son's came running up from behind us while we walked and I let Sammy go thinking they might run together...Sammy tried to herd him back to our "pack"... too funny.

Note to self: husband wants CFI certif completed before year end bc of tax deduction. Wouldn't that be nice I think ... Flight training has shaped me in to an active hoper. I'm like an old farmer. I watch the weather and the market place and I play my hand but I know no matter how early I hit it or how late and long I work - it's not really all up to me. If it were I wouldn't have any down time (certainly the past two months worth) and I would have trained exclusively with this last ( please God let it be so) instructor. Double I and MEI don't count. I would totally be driving my BMW. If it were all up to me.

Good news-> we have a chief. ... He'll be here pretty soon. I don't getta help them pack ... . I hear October. I hope.

Spiderwebs are amazing. I am not a big fan of spiders (and snakes...) but I do appreciate the geometry of the web. It is so cool that these guys can create this lacy structure. This one is hanging in a bad place - at about 7 feet, but over the walkway to our front door. It'll have to come down because it says creepy to our visitors ... and it probably means baby spiders inbound but I really enjoy seeing it and tossing a bit of something on it and seeing the spider scurry over to check it out.

This really is the strangest thing. I am not pursuing closure or even thinking about this event anymore, but all of a sudden nice, kinda soothing things are happening.

During the hazardous attitude discussion, someone said, "When someone is angry with me and I don't understand why, it just stays in my head... They can hate me ... Call me a douche (that's how they talk) ... Whatever, but I just have to know why... I just can't let it go". All except one person said "Yep, that's how I am.". The outlier wasn't really paying attention - he just absently said "Yeah that's how women are". Too funny, or ridiculous if you prefer. "Well, there you go ladies!" I laughed and looked around at the room full of men - 'cept me. The poor listenner knows I've been a little like that this past year. He isn't a confidant ... He's not even a friend really ... He's someone I'm there for. I help him and I like him. He knows the situation I've described previously bothered me and he knows I didn't understand what happened ... He knows I tried to make it right. Maybe I cared too much. I'm not sure about that. But I did see that I participated in a situation where hurt happened. And I did want to understand the mess and/or help clean up the mess. I wanted to behave as responsibly and compassionately as possible. He doesn't know the evolution of my soul.
I can still hear the twenty year old me saying, " if it happens in the rear view mirror it's not my problem." Meaning I can drive as recklessly as I wish - no worries if I'm not directly involved ... Even if the problems in my wake were because of my wake. There were years when my best response to something like this would be to callously dismiss it with a shrug and a flip of my hair (or hand) ... on to something else. I just flat out didn't care. I was a long term tenant at that place where the front door mat said "my give a damn's broken".
It's an emotionally seductively place where nothing really matters and no one can hurt you ... because nothing is important. I know the look in the eyes that look out from that place ... the place where one has nothing else to lose because everything they think matters is gone and they don't have the capacity or courage to let things matter again ... I've seen those eyes in my mirror. I've seen them. I've seen those eyes on beggars in Mexico and on people fleeing Katrina, on a man at the first and then second funeral of his children, on a young girl telling me about her abortion, ... You've seen them too. Those eyes are everywhere. Those eyes say I don't care. That look is long gone from my eyes.

I do care. I even prefer to care. I am blessed to have things that matter. I am blessed to be someone who cares.

Today we launched another CFI - out to a slightly better job ... more pay, less stress, no students, a corporate job. I rode over to the Mexican food place where we do our farewells with one of the new hires. I didn't know that we had a flight instructor in common ... he started blasting the guy a bit and I just laughed and said, "I enjoyed working with him right up to the last ground lesson." I told him how it went and he said, "Seriously that was you?!?" He said the guy said I was nagging him (about flying the RG), he hadn't known it was me. I was so happy to hear the other side of this story. I thought I'd never know the other side of the story ... . Funny really ... I figured no one knew about it even though he was screaming at me in the hall of the office building. Of course they talked about it. The guy's students where rescheduled when he left. There were a lot of hard feelings aired. Everybody knew I didn't want to hear it. I was dealing with more important issues and a lot of this just went over my head. I can see it now. I thought I had decided that I would look out for this batch of guys. Now it's so easy to see that they decided to look out for me.

I learned a lot of good things from caring about that ... and sticking with caring about that. I wanted to blow it off, but I didn't. That's a good thing. I felt a pull towards participating in the trash talk and I've been able to steer clear. I think the hardest part for me has been to remain caring. I feel good about that.

In human intercourse the tragedy begins, not when there is misunderstanding about words, but when silence is not understood.
~Thoreau

It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see.
~Thoreau

The cost of a thing is the amount of what I will call life which is required to be exchanged for it, immediately or in the long run.
~Thoreau

It's been 7 weeks since I flew. Is that possible? I've safety piloted for a few of the guys - I've been a working passenger. It felt good. Everything was exactly how it should be ... I've been worrying that I'd get rusty ... seven weeks didn't show worse for the wear at all. I was being, flying, especially sweet because this was my passenger's first flight in this small a plane. He wanted to see the stadium and another specific landmark - which he saw. I realized that he was just a bit overwhelmed by the experience ... I banked 20 degrees and lined his point of interest off the right wing tip ... he was like holycow or something like that. His follow up comment was,"Don't we lose lift on a steep turn like that?" I shook my head no and said, "You seem to know enough to scare yourself...no worries" and I gently tapped the altimeter. "Still 2500." I said. We remained level at 2500MSL for the bulk of the flight ... certainly throughout the sightseeing portion. I tried to hold his attention on the altimeter and pointed out the vsi to give him a little assurance. "Now we'll climb up to 3000," I told him, "and trade a little airspeed for the additional altitude." I tapped on the ASI. He wanted to see some of the undeveloped area around here - and there is a lot of it. He asked for a steep turn and I set up for it, but it didn't occur to me that his idea of a steep turn and mine were different. I noted that he thought 20 degrees was steep, but ... well a steep turn is at least 45 degrees angle of bank. "Are you ready/" I asked and he seemed ready. I rolled left and a bit of power... touch of trim ... perfect ... lovely ... man, it's hazy I'm thinking and I roll back to the right ... glance at the instruments ... allow myself the slightest smile ... there's the wake ripple.... there she is I think. He said something that indicated that he wasn't loving every second of this ... "Alright, we'll discontinue the maneuver I tell him." SnL ... I tap him on the knee to make a tiny bit of contact. "You okay?" I ask, smiling encouragingly. "Uhhh yeah ... that's my first G. (45degree steep turn is less than 1.5 Gs) I tell him we'll head back to the airport and do some landings if we have time. And then I ask him a chef question to put him back in his comfort zone. I like that I remembered to tell him exactly what and why for each hand movement I made. I like that I gave him airspeed and altitude instrumentation to look at. I'm glad that I didn't put him through several take offs and landings. I gave him a beautiful take off and a sweet little smooth landing. He did great! What I wish could have been different is I wish I hadn't given him a steep turn ... he didn't know what to expect and that was my oversight. I wish I had heard rather than just listenned when he said a 20 degree bank was steep. I knew the landing might worry him a bit and I talked him through the entry all the way down to clear of 36 ... I sensed him tense ... I saw him hold on to his seat ... "This is good ... perfect ... see the lights (VASI) you were talking about ... we're looking for 65Kts all the way down ... over the gate I'll ease the power out and ... flare ... and ...whah la you're on the ground ... !"

It's very different to fly with a non-pilot. I need to remember that as I begin instructing. Everything is new. As we secured the plane and walked in to the FBO he asked me if the G's bother me ... I said I just don't experience them as anything other than a piece of information about what the airplane is doing. A lot of what you heard and felt is a normal subroutine for me ... like when you cut something ... I never look away from my knife. "Yeah, I get it" he said, "I can smell done ... hey, don't burn my Parmesan...". "Yep that's it ... I haftah set the timer" I told him, and if I do otherwise we know it's ready when the smoke alarm goes off!

We were talking about hazardous attitudes in ground school on Monday morning - as Ive already said. Today we talked about coping strategies. Pilot's are generally good at compartmentalizing. We looked at the info in the Aviation Instructor's Handbook. From those two topics I started talking about my general observations of women - I said women are survivors ... we are hard wired for survival. Young men are hard wired to see themselves as invincible. This is chauvinistic I know, but it's why I think men excel as warriors and women don't. Just an opinion.
They choose Destiny's Child for me...number 176. One guy got "Chillin" by Blaine Larsen ... Got my I don't care ducks in a row. I'll take Survivor. A women intends to walk away ... and if everyone else can - awesome! A man might forget in the moment ... a man might say "watch this here shit." I'll stand by this: No woman's last words will be any thing like watch this... .

My home is quiet,cool,and relatively tidy. I blasted off at 8:00 this morning just in time for ground school. The group of guys I do ground with are really great guys. Today they gave me a song - they said it should be my theme song, but I haven't heard it yet. It should be funny - we'll see.

Oprah - not a huge fan of Oprah the machine, but I do respect what Oprah the person has been able to do with her life. Somebody gifted me with a subscription to O the magazine and I don't get around to reading it as much as I apparently should! July 2010has an article - "How to Solve a Thorny Problem" I quote:

"We're used to living in an either-or world---but when it comes to yes-or-no dilemmas,says MARTHA BECK, the most powerful thing you can ask is:What if both answers are true? "

Genius! Exactly! She goes on to say,"This is the problem with either-or thinking: It leads to an answer that is only half-right."

That is what I am talking about. It's not always, and probably never, that simple.

My private ground guys and the CFI candidates have all recently taken the FAAs Hazardous attitudes profile (AC 60-22 - if you go looking for it, there are two PDFs and both are needed to make sense of it). I took it and was surprised by my results. Well, a little surprised - the not at all surprised part is I score very low on the "resigned" aspects ... I always think there is something I can to to affect a better outcome. Good for a pilot because it means I'm not going to become a passenger when a pilot is called for. Not so great for the average day in a life. By that I mean when something (almost anything important or my business kind of thing), is not right I will try to make it right. Or I have in previous days. An example: I am the fortunate mother of the coolest 15 year old girl on the planet. I mean that. She rocks. Unless she is tired or unhappy. On those days she would like to invite me to make her happy. She does that, because I have (unintentionally) taught her that I will try and try and try until we pull the smile out of my bag of tricks. That is not the message I want to send to her, or anyone I care enough about to want to tend to. I read a little research recently that suggested that Americans are dissatisfied, jaded, blaise, because we have too many choices. Even our pets have too many choices as evidenced by the whole aisle of pet food at the grocery store. Here's the choice I am now offering: Chose to be happy. Chose to not blame ... blaming others is a victims game ... you can only fix the problems you own. Big girls don't need their mommas to coddle them towards a happy place.

I'm rambling! Back to July O Healthwise by Tara Parker-Pope ...

"The State of Your Union" ... As strange as it might sound, one of the clearest signs of marital trouble is a simple and common facial expression: eye rolling."

Eye rolling. I think eye rolling is a little like rolling your RRRRRRsss. I think there may be a genetic predisposition towards it. I am unable to roll my eyes. Well, I can, but it takes conscious effort. My daughter, the 15 year old one, does it all the time ... with me. Wonder what that means! The researchers cited in this article say eye rolling is a sarcastic nonverbal gesture that doesn't clearly state the person's disagreement - making it difficult for the recipient to respond.

I think fifteen year olds are notoriously unhappy (sometimes). This is the forth one I've parented - I'm seeing that more life coaching now. She is at the age where she makes most of her own choices ... many of ... she's choosing well. If being upset with me is part of the pecking out of the shell or flapping out of the nest process I can go there.

I am pretty happy about the MP3 player that I added to this site. I've already selected too many songs! It has been a lot of fun for me to become more conversant with the technology used to blog. I've had no reason to type since papers in college, and started out snailishly slow.

On flying - still sitting. A chef friend has bartered some cooking lessons for a flight. A pleasure flight. Yesterday he sent me a text (with photo) of braised leg of lamb provencal, brussle sprouts in burre noir and caper, poached baby potatoes with butter braised leeks ... . Yeah - that got my attention. I'll fly him around this week. I stopped liking pleasure flights a long time ago. This will be good for me.

My house is more organized and tidy. My CFI note book is coming along. I'm still rubbing my tongue ... the momentum has seeped out of me. Most of the time I'm not fretting about finishing this certificate ... some of the time I am considering calling it quits. The sitting is more punishing then the actual work! My husband, thank God (really), is saying you absolutely can't quit this ... the regret would be too much.

Okay - towel folding time. Lots and lots of towels ... then ironing ... .

Quotes

I will not die an unlived life. I will not live in fear of falling or catching fire. I choose to inhabit my days, to allow my living to open me, to make me less afraid, more accessible, to loosen my heart until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise. I choose to risk my significance; to live so that which comes to me as seed goes to the next as blossom and that which comes to me as blossom, goes on as fruit.~Dawna Markova

“And forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair.”~Kahlil Gibran"

People travel to wonder at the height of the mountains, at the huge waves of the seas, at the long course of the rivers, at the vast compass of the ocean, at the circular motion of the stars, and yet they pass by themselves without wondering."
~St. Augustine "

When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced.
Live your life so that when you die,
the world cries and you rejoice." ~Cherokee Expression

"The day will come when, after harnessing space, the winds, the tides and gravitation, we shall harness for God the energies of love. And on that day, for the second time in the history of the world, we shall have discovered fire."
~Pierre Teilhard de Chardin
French Paleontologist and Philosopher

The real weight of this story is how perplexing it was and has been ... it became baggage. I have talked about the idea of where my story touches an other's story. Our stories touch as surely as the pieces of a quilt are sewn together. It has bothered me that the guy was so angry and said hateful things. It has bothered me that as people see what's important to you (me) they will use it to inflict pain. It has bothered me because I had no context for it. It hadn't made sense. I didn't have a basket to put it in and so have been carrying it around.
I don't remember what day that was but I do remember it was a bad day for me. The morning of that day I found out that my husband had broken a promise to me. I asked him and he said yes I broke that promise. That day I made a promise to myself. I promised myself that I wouldn't put myself in the position of my happiness riding on some one's ability to keep a promise. I told my heart to stop asking for promises. So I was thinking about that that day.
Where he was coming from is a story I'll never know. My day became even worse in those moments where our stories touched because all of a sudden nothing seemed to make sense. The quilt was ripped right there where our stories touched. A chill blew through the jagged edges left by the tear. It was abrupt and unsettling. It felt sorta like a day 15 years ago when I was riding the cable car at Stone Mountain. When the car changed cables it jumped a bit. I wasn't holding on to anything and my sandaled foot slid. I was suddenly and irrationally afraid. I couldn't get any traction. That same type thing happened at the top of the lighthouse a few weeks ago. I wanted to walk around on the cat walk. I felt safe. The rails were secure and I was congratulating myself on being in pretty good shape (as demonstrated by my breathing after the climb) and enjoying the view ... lining up a shot. I reached up to touch a metal cable that was hanging down and it was just loose ... dangling in the coastal breeze. I expected it to be taunt. I thought it was a supporting cable. Suddenly I felt a jolt of fear. I've never felt that way in the airplane, but I sometimes do on tall structures when I'm outside. In those weird moments with that guy I felt that fear too. Not for my personal safety. I can't quite find the words to express it. I couldn't figure out why he was mean talking ... He was angry, I noted his hands shaking and tension coiling through the entire length of him. He was so angry that he couldn't speak normally. I recognized the indicators with shock. What had I said or done to elicit this reaction? I couldn't get traction on the idea. Something seemed to slip. He vented something to do with his story. And I just couldn't wrap my head around it. I don't think I said anything. Nothing made sense. (I checked out and left as soon as possible - a day or so later he was unavailable to discuss it and remained unavailable - he might have thought I wanted to call him on the carpet - I was just hoping for some closure. What a mess.)
Now it does make sense. What he was saying was: I have no right to judge his actions. He was probably judging himself. I don't know. Maybe. My story was that I couldn't trust my husband. And now ( in those moments ) here is another person who I trust acting out of context ... behaving intentionally hurtful. It never occurred to me that he might be misbehaving with his student. The truth there is while I don't think it would be good for the girl, I can easily see how things like that can happen. Or at least wish to happen. People try to patch the holes in their quilts with the scrapes from other peoples lives all the time.
Now, I have a little closure there. I'm good with that. What ever the story is I can see that it likely had nothing to do with me.
If that is true or isn't true doesn't really matter to me. What matters to me is finding a basket to put this experience in. It may not be the right basket, but it can rest there indefinitely.
(I'll write this better later. I'm tapping it out on my phone before I go to sleep. I want to be done with the confusing parts of this.)

I've thought about the previous post a couple of times today. It's a little funny to me that I still don't really believe it. And it isn't really any of my business if there was a flirtation there. I was waiting to speak to this guy after one of his training flights with this student. I commented to her that he seemed to be in a good mood ( which is always preferable in close working conditions). During my conversation with him he spun around with his hands shaking and angrily said, "I'm not your *ing husband". We were talking about a slide presentation of a constant speed prop. It came out of nowhere for me and it kinda scared me too. So confusing at the time. It seemed so unprofessional and unlike him. Moody - so what, irrational - wtf? Within the context of inappropriate behavior it makes sense. I hope it is untrue.

My sons and husband are on a little roadtrip to B'ham. The apple store at the Summit is the closest source for a new iPhone. One of my sons has been saving up and now it's go time! He's pretty happy about it.

I have been online searching for a beach house rental for thanksgiving. We are planning for Texas My brother and his wife might come for a few days and my bff and her husband also. That'll be really nice. Something special to look forward to. I really should invite my mom.

Well what an interesting day.
I make a stop at a reality check point and I find out I have been naive. I shake my head at myself and say,"Well, now you know ... You were naive but now you're not ... At least you're not cynical".
The student I mentioned earlier is a very sweet person ( I think ) . I liked seeing her train with the instructor she was working with. I was actually very proud of them both. He's a kinda crass middle aged guy with no visible roots. The kind of guy who might be mean to his dog on a bad day. When he finished working here, the guys, his former colleagues,, started talking some smack. I told them I didn't wanna hear it. They were talking like the guy was a dirty old man hitting on a sweet kid. You know, pilots are worse then a bunch of old women about discussing each other's private business. It's usually good- natured and amusing ... and open. The kind of familiar stuff you'd say right to each others face - messin' . This struck me as disrespectful and distasteful. Turns out they may have been right. Today I heard from an unimpeachable source that there just might have been something to all that ugly talk. Wow. It's just so hard to believe that someone would use their position of trust to ... Stroke their ego I guess is how I'll say it. Today, as this came out, I wondered how could that be true ... Nothing about that
would build her ... Everything about that would damage the girl in the long run. How could an adult prey on the innocence of a barely out of high school kid - some one's daughter?
I just shook my head. I said,"I want to see the best in a person ... Every person... Every situation. I seem determined to wear these rose colored glasses".
So, I'm at that place again. I'm at the reality checkpoint. Yep, still naive. Seriously, willfully naive. But now I'm not.

hazardous attitudes?

Saw FI yesterday, he said Chief offer should be made within next two weeks. I noticed that he is a bit more relaxed then he has been of late - from that I intuit that things are moving in the right direction. The time line on that might put my instructor back in the plane towards mid Oct. I may get this thing done in time to wake up on Christmas morning with a big smile on my face. Speaking of a big smile - DC in January which I am already looking forward to. Four will be my museum buddy this year. I can sit at Starbucks and read the paper if she has to sleep late ... it'll be great to share that time with her. We go to nice places for dinner and she will love dressing up!

Also saw very precious student pilot yesterday. She has some learning issues and finds training just a tad more difficult then the average student. I adore her. She was working with a CFI who was an ideal fit. He has moved on though - he probably made some personal sacrifices to work with her up to her solo - he was very proud of her courage and the stretching that it took to get to the solo. Flying isn't easy for everyone. Anyway, the semester ended and he moved on and she basically disappeared. I was so happy to see her back. She hugged me and told me that she was back to work at it again and that she hadn't flown since CFI left. He made her feel safe - not just in the air, but interpersonally I guess could be the way to say it. He helped her believe that the she she wants to become was possible. After chatting with her I walked out to the offices - the guy I walked with said he sure would like to date a wonderful girl like that ... too bad she's a student. I'd like to see them together ... too bad I don't match make. As I came in the door her new CFI wanted to talk to me about her lesson. She hasn't flown in a year and he was surprised that he had to talk her through the stalls ... she doesn't know the private maneuvers ... she's a sorority girl ... why did he get all the difficult students ... (he soloed in less then ten hours...) ... waaaaaaaaaaa. I sure wish we had the right instructor for her. I really hoped to be flight instructing myself by time and if she came back to finish up. She is the kind of student I would love to work with. To be able to work with a person like her is exactly why I am doing this. Other then encouragement and a little behind the scenes tweaking there's not much I can do for her. I have a friend who is offering instruction elsewhere locally - I can't flip students though it would be a better training situation. I'm thinking like a woman ... I'm caring ... danger ... step away from the caring. Hmmmm. If she weren't our student she'd have an opportunity to look the guy over too. Wheels are spinning ... .

So CFI ground at 8:30 - we're gonna do AC 60-22. I need to run make copies.

One of my friends (Friends... they cherish one another's hopes. They are kind to one another's dreams ~Thoreau) called last night - she encouraged me to continue journaling here because I find it helpful, and I think she is right. She reminded me that I don't have to publish it just because I write it. Some of what I write helps me sort my thoughts out.

Life is a lot more complicated than I expected it to be, isn't it?

In the book, EAT, PRAY, LOVE the author tells a story about the Cambodia boat people ... given the opportunity to sort through their ordeal they simply want to express basic human experience - not the big stuff - the small points of connection...the places where their story touched an other's story. That's how I thought about what she said.

Pathos The emotion the idea either expresses or implies - directly or subtly
Ethos The spirit (intention) which motivates the ideas
Logos The logical sequence or development of the idea.

My husband occasionally reads my blog - he told me that yesterday and I gathered that he wasn't comfortable with my - some of my process. It's pretty difficult to find a place to think out loud in a life with five children, a husband, friends, commitments ... . Writing seems like an island. A little place ... to sit and think. A place to sort out the "os" of the idea or prevailing thought in my head. I just want a little place to look at my story - as I see it. Maybe that should be an anonymous place ... for me there is no such island. I'm thinking about that a little bit. It's difficult to navigate what is left unpublished on these blogs. I'll figure it out.

This morning I read in Mark 4 - where Jesus calms the storm.
Notes:
1 expect storms
2 remember you are not alone and Jesus has demonstrated His ability with storms
3 face storm with assurance, faith - not fear
4 look for spiritual lessons

On flying endeavor - My notebook is looking pretty spiffy.

Yesterday my bf son told me about an ap for wild animal calls ... he said he placed his phone out on the deck playing a squirrel call and a squirrel came right up to the phone ... what's next!?! He also told me about a mosquito repellant ap! and he has field tested it too! Magic!

I've completed my year of posting here. It was interesting to see my thoughts in black and white. And I was surprised to see that I really only think about a handful of things. I started this project because I wanted to work on trust and while I can see that there is more work to be done there, I just don't want to do it so potentially publicly.

"The difficult we do at once. The impossible takes a little longer." - motto of the Seabees.

"When you can't trace his hand, trust his heart." - annon.

I collect quotes ... or maybe I might say meaningful words since I like song lyrics and whole passages from books. I don't have time to play today - no time to blog, but I did sit down to look back over some of this blog to see where I've been with a hope that I might see some progress ... and I do ... I feel serene most of the time. I feel stronger.

I saw these two quotes. I really like them.

One of my long time ago students just called for some advice. They are trying to figure out what to do with their 141 to 61 flt training and their parents are bewildered and concerned ... what's 250 x 160.00 ? A ...$40,000. In her case the difference in hypothetical cost is 3 thousand bucks. Unfortunately, three thousand isn't much in aviation dollars. When she finishes her commercial she can crop dust, or banner tow. One of the smartest young men I know is making 14,000.00 right now ... that's after 3 years as a CFI now on to the show. High financial cost ... low financial reward.

That has nothing to do with the quotes. She just called and got me to thinking about that. People who love to fly are a bit of a different bred.

Seems like there's a lot of impossible blowing around.

Yesterday my son, Three, who is seventeen and becoming more interested in the larger world, asked me, "Mom, are you conservative or liberal?" At the time FOX News was showing ... apparently the President's spiritual leanings are a national concern of late. We watch both conservative and liberal news outlets ... seems like the news is on if the TV is on. Someone likes the mega pawn shop show and "Pickers" ... a couple of someones like the food network ... we all like Myth Busters ... I like some of the National Geographic and History channel programing ... but all viewing begins at a news source it seems. I don't like TV news. It seems more like a squabble over current events then actual reporting. I really miss Walter Cronkite ... and Dan Rather. I remember when the news came in black and white. I remember when broadcasts didn't sparkle and flash ... Mr. Cronkite might grimace. "I wouldn't place myself squarely in either camp." I answered my son. "I guess I could be described as very conservative fiscally and with the military. I think States are in a better position to make most laws. Ummm socially, I'm probably pretty liberal. I don't think everything is my business - like abortion and gay marriage. I don't want to patrol personal choices and I'd like the right to make my own choices as long as we can all be somewhat respectful." There were a couple of girls fondling each other on the cookie/cracker aisle yesterday - I'd rather not see that, but I would have felt the same had they been a hetero couple. I'm willing to bet that they wouldn't want to see me smooching it up with my husband. I think abortion destroys more then a baby, but I strongly feel the choice should be available. There are many things that a person can actually do in support of continuing a pregnancy. On social agendas I think less talk more action would go a long ways. I don't like the bad language that is common place. My 24 year old hadn't heard a racial slur or a cuss word until he began first grade ... he didn't know that children might possible come to school in the morning without having breakfast first ... and without a lunch bag or milk money. My children were shocked to see shoeless ... toothless ... beggars on a vacation in Mexico. We told them that level of poverty can be found through out our country as well. When we watch the news we really don't get a feel for the situation ... the climate on the ground. I'm enjoying the book I'm reading right now - Three Cups Of Tea. It's an interesting perspective of the Muslim world. I remember my oldest son's first pre school teacher - she was here because her family had to flee Iran. I liked her. It was hard for her to leave her country. About ten years ago there were several Muslim women sitting in a local church waiting to drop off their children for preschool. I asked them what is the celebration of this holiday (that they were getting ready to enjoy) in honor of? I wanted to know what it was all about. They consulted with each other and finally told me basically that they didn't have a clue - that it was a time when everybody ate meat. They told me that women usually don't know the meaning of religious holidays. I thought of Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was glad that I didn't have to explain our Christian holidays.
I miss Walter Cronkite. I sometimes miss the black and white world where right and wrong were clearly defined - a child's world. I don't like that all the shades of grey are manipulated - jazzed up and down and all around - it seems unnecessarily childish. I'm not surprized that we can't see eye to eye on things ... we can't even do that in a small group like my family. We try.

"This book gives you a look at seven gifts that come from waiting. They include getting patience, loss of control, living in the present, compassion, gratitude, humility, and trust in God."

"According to Webster, the definition of patience is:

1. bearing pains or trials calmly or without complaint
2. manifesting forbearance under provocation or strain
3. not hasty or impetuous
4. steadfast despite opposition, difficulty, or adversity
5. able or willing to bear

Hmmm.....those don't sound so good.
The Bible provides that same definition of patience, although it talks about patience as a virtue, and extremely necessary in order to move forward with God.
So how come it's so hard to implement, and even harder to maintain once you make progress?
The problem with "becoming" patient, is that you can't practice it without being put in a situation that requires it. Ugh."


Uh - Alright, Maybe I do need a little work here because loss of control sure doesn't seem like a gift to me! I mean, unless the horse can be counted on to head for the barn, and that's where you want to go, you gotta hold on to the reins. I've known a few people who just let it go where it go . I't's not a pretty thing to behold.

Well, CFI ground is scheduled for 8:00 MWF this semester. We've all agreed on 8:30. I found myself with a few spare minutes this morning and decided to google "define patience".
Above are some of the results. The few people who really know me say I am patient. I sometimes wonder if I could/should be more patient. Granny said too much of a good thing isn't helpful either. I can see areas or events where I was too patient. It's funny, I feel like I am participating in that race where an egg is balanced on a spoon ... and then the spoon is held in the racer's mouth. It's pretty difficult. You have to put the correct pressure on the spoon to hold it up as it holds the egg. The metal is foreign, and what if you fall? Your eyes feel like crossing in the process. Your feet want to run because that's what they do when racing, but not so fast, the egg is bouncing ... . You get the picture.
How graceful could life be lived without the constraints of time? Is it time slipping away that pushes patience? The idea of eternity creeps me out a bit. I can't wrap my head around a time without time.
I'm thinking/remembering about standing in a field of wheat. I slowly turned 360* and all I could see as far as I could see was wheat (with a sprinkle of John Deere green just here and there ... I was amazed that the cabs were air conditioned). Is that eternity? As far as the eye can see ... no edges ... from here to where that starlight came from and further? Either is measured and because it is measured the time between must be accessed.
I've taught four 15 year old learners how to drive a stick. I think I am patient. Am I working on patience? Or am I working on not being too patient? I don't want to break the egg, but I want to run the race ... .
I said I would sit patiently and wait. I am doing that in my life right now. I have a couple of projects going that support my goal, but I am not pushing ... and I'm not stressing. I'm all chillax (at least my best version of it). Interesting ... for now ... but how long do I have to do this? How long can I not specifically work on this while doing nothing? Am I working on this if I'm not doing anything?

What good is a beautiful timepiece with no workings ... it's not a clock.

I'm not going to church today. While I was shampooing I realized that going to a different church - especially the specific church I have requested for family worship - would be seen as ... Well controversial by my husband. Better to skip it all together then throw in with the rebels.
That gave me time to wander through my blog as I like to do occasionally ... Guess what I read?! In July I wrote about a dream about the art to commemorate the CFI certificate. I wrote about how I like to race. I like to organize. I like to sort and stack. I like to compartmentalize. It's not only a coping strategy, it's how I do life. Plan the work and work the plan. Yes, embrace the occasional sideroad, but never lose orientation with the main route to the destination. Which is to say, when I leave here I am going to the beach. I may stop to enjoy a fruit stand or a historical marker along the way ... A may divert in pursuit of a fancy ... But when I wake up tomorrow, it's going to be to the sound of waves. They match my pulse. They roll in and recede as surely as I put one foot down in front of the other. (see, I'm meandering now ... I just visited the coast)
The post is titled a change of pace. Ironic. Unintentionally so. The dream: of the lovely (empty) housing of a time piece and an admonition to enjoy the journey without imposing time constraints.
That is a huge challenge for me. I climbed the lighthouse steps while carrying on a conversation and mentally composing pictures before I clicked ... Upon reaching the top and identifying the docent all I really wanted to know was "how many steps", but I needn't have asked. She provided confirmation rather then information. I count. Subconsciously.
I'm thinking maybe I can take a break from that. A change of pace. My husband says I am vigilant. Yeah, I am. I think that's a compliment.
This weekend we watched a movie. Eat,Pray,Love. Afterwards, I asked him, "what's your word.". He hasn't decided (or shared). "Whatdoyah think my word is?" I asked. He immediately said courageous then amended it to " healer". I don't know about either of those - both very nice words. Both about observing stuff and having a working plan of action formulating - both action words. Actions happen within an envelope of time. For me relaxing always comes with the companion "for how long?"... Until the ice melts? ... Standard two minutes ... Until ... ?
I see I have some stuff to work on here.
I do think it's cool that my dream knew.

I woke up this morning ... Don'tcha just love Saturdays? As I was looking at my phone I noticed a new picture loading up on my favorite blog. A new picture means a new post. Sweet! The picture was taken between layers and showed shadows behind a few cumulus tops that had randomly popped through a gold infused stratus layer. In the background you could see the sun - mellow - stretching into that fabulous turquoise blue that Remington, or was it Russell, used to paint the Western sky. Man, just thinking about it makes me homesick for Ft. Worth. I used to spend every spare minute absorbing in those hometown museums. Anyway. The blog photo; at first glance I thought of all that shimmering golden light ... Wowawesome. Nobody can paint that. Few eyes get to see it, even second hand. Seriously, it's so expansive that just looking at it was a gift. The cloud tops and their shadows hinted at some other world village, but as I relaxed in to the picture I realized it really looked like a herd running, kicking up dust. Are they trying to evade the ancient ghost riders? I can't quite remember the folklore about joining the great spirit for a buffalo hunt. And this is the first moment of R&R I've had today, so no time to google it, but there's something tickling my memory ... Probably from an episode if The Rifleman - ha! How fortunate am I to live in a time when humanity can breeze by these magnificent images ... what might my Great grandmother (or her Cherokee mother) have made of this?

This summer we have enjoyed delicate crab cakes several times while visiting the coast I spent a good part of this morning picking crab out of ice cold clusters. Thanks guys doing the worlds most dangerous jobs - these cost a small fortune and worth every penny! I looked up Paula Dean's five star crab cakes recipe and bought some fresh peanut oil. Every Southern kitchen loves them some Paula. Tonight my favorite skillet will have it's fill of oil. I can rock the salmon croquettes. Yeah seriously. It may sound like bragging, but it's just a simple humbly stated fact. Tonight I'm aiming for what Five refers to as "smooth jazz" quality crab cakes. She's in the kitchen chopping a yellow pepper right now.

So, I started today luxuriating in a wonder little remembrance paired with a beautiful picture. Now I'm going to go cook with my girl. The kitchen cabinets are shipshape and I have a fresh bar of Rosemary/ mint Zum soap beside the sink. It's been a pretty good day.

later: the crab cakes were lovely, delicate, tasty (messy and time consuming!). Good first attempt. The flavor was excellent. I'm thinking to press the crab in a paper towel to absorb some of the moisture next time. I rate these not worth the effort - my guys like to tuck in to a large platter of crag legs ...the pads of my fingers may wake up numb tomorrow! If I prepare these again, the wine will need to be opened sooner in the process!

I'm excited about the meal tomorrow. L selected some magnificent steaks to grill. I will roast three varieties of beets. Yeah beets - we'll see. Asparagus will fill out the plate. We bought a couple of different cheeses for before. I think all five will be home after church and I'm looking forward to sharing some time with everyone.

Jar Of Hearts - lyrics - Christina Perri

No I can't take one more step towards you
Cause all that's waiting is regret
And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are
Running around leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are

I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms

I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are
Running around leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are

And it took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I would have missed the first time that we kissed
Cause you broke all your promises
And now you're back
You don't get to get me back

And who do you think you are
Running around leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

And who do you think you are
Running around leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

Who do you think you are
Who do you think you are
Who do you think you are

Thoreau

The cost of a thing is the amount of what I will call life which is required to be exchanged for it, immediately or in the long run

I feel surprisingly calm - peaceful - about this flight training predicament. It's important - very important. I like it that it is important on one level and not at all important on any other level. This doesn't affect any of the lower level needs - just that top of the pyramid need. Pretty interesting. Pretty cool. I'll be thinking about that.
My hands are tied. I am not a "hissyfit thrower" by nature. My one true asset here is my tenacity ... not to minimize the support of my family which is really the foundation for this whole project. I have already begun to search for other ways to complete this. I recognize that I can't see very far ahead and I can't control anything except my attitude and actions. If I see another viable way, I will take it. If this is the way, I'll wait for the door to re-open. Time will tell. I am a patient person, time has always been my friend.

Speaking of friends, I realize that I said I lost a friend over something. The truth is I couldn't have lost a friend over that. Either we never were friends or the we see friendship quite differently. I think we chose our relationships and they are important. Most people are probably a lot more casual about stuff like that then I am.

Not to be negative or unduly tragic - None of our senior guys (aka the guys who can offer flight instruction at the CFI level) are able to have students assignments as of now and atleast until we get a chief in place...per the director of flight education. We haven't made an offer yet, so realistically, your guess is as good as mine. Yeah. I'm pretty bummed, but I can roll with this. One of my buddies said just go finish it up somewhere else. That doesn't work for me with my family.

I'll just try to keep the ground knowledge up. Use it or loss it ... . Someone suggested I just rent a plane to keep my hands "hot". I can't just spend money like that. Honestly, this is a major setback and I feel the pain of it. Something will work out. We'll see.

My favorite CFI gave me a copy of his project titled: C172R by the Numbers. It's kinda impressive. Simple, straight forward, easy reference. I taped one in to the back of my POH. Seems like I use it for air pressure mostly. I pass copies of it out in ground school. I like it.

Today, I am creating PA-28R-201 by the Numbers. It's very relaxing to move through the PIM. I feel like I am stepping in the footprints laid down. I like that. It's a bit of fill in the blank and a few additions. I like comparing the numbers between the two as I go along. The standard empty weight is similiar, the max useful load sure isn't. Pretty cool.

Once I finish the number hunt I'll type a fresh one up and make some copies to share.

Things continue to shift and pause momentary not meaningfully nothing one might begin to count on. Like an image inside a kaleidoscope the slightest nudge may dramatically alter the entire view.

I fretted my way through late last summer and on through Fall into Winter. I felt burdened by my baggage. I tried to rearrange off load repack... Whatever might help. Now I feel better. Peaceful. This certif is important to me. Will I be able to make it happen? I think the answer is the same as it's always been. I can keep on flying towards it. That's what I can do.

I feel more peaceful and centered then I ever remember feeling. I feel calmer in this place of more turmoil. When I feel " that " begin to spool up around me I remind myself not to fret. I am grateful for the opportunity to learn this way. I am grateful for the lessons and the teachers. And I love the flying part too.

I believe telling the truth is important. People need to have confidence that what is being communicated is true. To me truth is foundational in any relationship. I think we have to be as truthful as possible with everyone all the time.

Sometimes I ask my husband something that is important to me and he says, "I'm not going to answer that." Of course, that does answer that. It's frustrating, but at least it's not a bold face lie. He doesn't want to say yes, but no would be a lie, so he avoids. Or maybe you could say he is protecting his boundaries.

Recently someone asked me if I know what one of my old CFIs is doing career wise. I said no. I should have said, "I am not at liberty to discuss that." It really bothered me and the next day I had to say to that friend, "I am sorry. I lied to you. I do know. But I would be betraying a confidence if I talked about it. And I will keep your business private as well... ." My friend laughed. Then he said thanks. Thanks that it was important enough to me to not lie to a friend. This is the lie I do tell: I am fine...or awesome. We all tell that lie I think. How are you I am fine. I'm not a big fan of superficial social exchange. I rarely ask the question, I just smile nod and say hello.

In my home, occasionally things are broken. There was a shallow glass bowl in the foyer for catching mail. It was recently broken. How did that happen? "Does anyone know how the green bowl got broken?" No one had a clue. Nope, I don't know. It just seems like someone must know. How could a big bowl break and just go unnoticed? The green bowl was moved to the garage, to that bin of broken things that I am hoping to create something lovely from.

The peach - pictured at the top of this post - is one of my favorite things. I like the simplicity of terracotta pottery. Then you open it and ... my favorite of favorite colors is glazed inside. I would love it even if I could never open it, but when I did I was delighted to find that it fit me perfectly. It truly is just peachy. I keep it put up, out of sight, out of harms way. I don't know if it will survive the hustle and bustle of what is my life right now, but I hope to have it sitting out where I can enjoy it often one of these days.

How do you build a truth teller? I thought I knew. I thought it was by being truthful myself. I thought I could express to my children how critical it is for me to be able to believe them at all times ... and for them to be able to believe me. But what I am seeing is that they are willing sometimes to sacrifice character for convenience. My husband said there is no penalty for lying in our home. We gotta fix that.

That bowl that was broken is just a bowl. I put it out because it was pretty, but replaceable. I liked seeing it. When no one was able to tell the story of how the bowl was broken, something else got broken. Where that bowl was, is a reminder that someone preferred to tell a little lie. I guess we all tell them. Iamfine when really I am maybe just a little bit less then fine, but I know what you expect to hear thankyouforasking.

Why am I thinking about this specifically this morning? For one thing, I visited with someone last night who told me that a relationship she would like to nurture has hit a snag ... her friend is unable to trust her probably because he has seen that she is comfortable with tiny white lies. It's sad. Relationships are built on trust. Truth may be a perception, truth may be a perspective. I understand that it is not always black and white, but it's not about definition or semantics as Bill Clinton said either. When we start skating around the truth (as we know it at very least) we are breaking more then people's confidence. I think we are breaking things that are really important. Values.

You can't really glue a broken thing back together can you? The best you can hope for is to create something useable, maybe lovely, maybe even better (if you're really good at seeing what can be rather then what was) out of the broken pieces. Sometimes, like a jar of peaches, there is nothing you can do to "fix" it. Those things you just gotta give to God (who is really good at making messes in to something right). And try to not be so careless with things that are important. Make an effort to understand the truth. Sometimes it's messy - or complicated.

I love that my little broken ankle is stronger then it was before it was broken. I love that it is still an ankle! Broken isn't always lost.

Broken is a mess that God can work with if we trust Him. Broken may also be a mess that we can avoid if we trust Him. That's what I am thinking about today.

While I was typing this post Three sent me a text requesting that "Mango Habanero Pico de Gallo stuff" that I make. He says he's craving that. I think I can work that in to my day.

I am seldom alone, but frequently lonely. How does that happen?

Some one I don't know just sent me a friend request. Right in the middle of typing that sentence. It seems like we are becoming less connected as we find more ways of connecting. I am actually a bit frayed around the edges by my connections! The emotional physical spiritual ... All the "als" of raising five children and maintaining all those long term 24/7 relationships and a marriage ... It's a lot.

Then what happens?

My FI has worked at getting me to do all the radio work from my plane. I'm used to the other pilot doing radios if I'm flying. Previous experience has taught me that when I am sitting beside some one, they will do most, almost all of the talking. Not this guy. This guy expects me to say what needs to be said. He's trying to shape me up to work with students who don't have a clue what to say ... or may very well say the wrong thing. I've noticed that I have a tendency towards not talking when I'm flying. As much as I write here, you'd think I'm a big talker in general - not so much. In general, I haven't spoken up as much as I should have. So, while it's been weird to have a very quiet FI insisting that I do all the work, it's been eye opening as well. He wants to see single pilot type ops. I get that now that I'm thinking about it. It makes sense. I am flying FO style - he's building a strong decisive leader, not an awesome capable follower. I can do that.
I've taken that lesson with me out of the plane and into my life perspective. In my life I have not spoken up as often as I should have. I have not participated as actively as I should have. I let my hands be tied ... My eyes be blinded ... And my voice be silenced. Why did I do that? And how do I come out of that cocoon without making a mess? My husband tends to experience a different opinion as a lack of support - like I'm not on his team ... like I may be pulling against him. Over the years it's just been easier not express a different point of view. I'm going to do better with that.

Well, who ever that was who wanted to be friends hasn't responded to my question of why.

Now there is a lightning storm. The rumbling thunder woke me up. I like the sound of the waves washing in and out like a pulse. And then, another layer of sound, electrically charged growling. And now the wind sighing through these concrete towers. It's still dark so I can't see the clouds. All of the thunder is being generated from the West.

It's getting lighter now and I can see that this stuff is soupy all the way down. The lightning illuminates a continuous dome of white. Guess I better check the weather. My girls are interested in outlet shopping. They're reminding their Dad that it's tax free time at the outlets. He enjoys buying them nice things. From the looks of things there may be less floating and more shopping in the near forecast. This little storm is heating up. The growling sounds a lot more focused.

Today began with ripe sweet peaches and hot coffee at the beach. Diet temporarily suspended.

We walked, L, Five, and I. She was very excited to be included ... Up rambling around at 4:30 just to make certain. I gave her a small sack with she filled with shells. Later we sat on the balcony and studied them one at a time. Some are ridged horizonally, some vertically, some laticed, others almost smooth. All sizes and all my favorite colors. I shoulda brought a pail for her.
I've never seen so many minnows as were along the shore this morning! There were hundreds of them. They were being crowded against the waters edge by king fish who were feeding on them. The beaches here drop off quick. When I step
in, I'm immediately knee deep. The waves carried the tiny fish ashore. Some were fortunate enough to make it to a tide pool. Some were stranded briefly waiting to be handed their fate by the next wave. Most of them were caught between and lay there shimmering on the sand. The seabirds made a noisy feast of them.
Later, we drove to the Naval Air Station. The museum was magnificent. I loved seeing all the aircraft. It was super cool to be able to walk right up and put my hands on the displays. I was very impressed by how clean everything was too - not a speck of dust. More on this later. I'm typing in my phone and it wants a charge. I know how that feels. The light house was good too. Really good.

Tomorrow we're going to the Naval Air Station. I'm excited about visiting there.

My husband met my FI yesterday for the second time. Today husband said, you sure can tell he's a fighter pilot. "Really?! Whadoya mean?" I asked. He told me. I just totally don't read the fighter pilot vibe. I don't experience the warrior thing at all when I'm around this FI. I've flown with guys who were obvious not just former military but, what's the word? Warriors I guess. Some of these guys wear their service well. I've spent time in the airplane with only that kinda guy. Now that I'm thinking about it, all four of my favorite instructors were military guys this one is vintage AF - Vietnam era. Two were Navy guys, one a seal the other preferred helicopters. Number four was a guard flier - still is a weekend warrior in the C130s. I hadn't noticed that before.
I told my husband that I don't experience this FI as a fighter pilot but I guess I have heard him say We've got 'em in our sites ... . He's not one to goof off. I told my husband that this FI is one of the finest people I've known. I'd say that's true of all four of these flight instructors. I've been pretty fortunate.

Diamond Rio is singing " what a beautiful mess I'm in...". I'm thinking there's no such thing.

This is ridiculous but I am so pleased that my pantry is totally organized. Seriously, when I wake up tonight I'll probably go admire it. I really like things to be just so. That is impossible with the many hands that are in and out of my business ... For right now, it's really good. I don't like openned boxes with their flaps all this way and that. Today I poured cereal and pasta and grits and almost everything boxed into it's own plastic container. No one closes the crackers correctly. That bothers me. But it won't anymore because the crackers are in a cracker keeper. I keep food and pans and pretty much everything in my pantry. It's a walk in closet style. While I was washing the walls and ceiling today, I remembered when I taped the Sheetrock where the walls meet the ceiling. I wanted a crisp line. The house is older than me. The roof system and the flooring deck is a work of art. They just don't build houses like this one anymore. But there were things that needed done. That's been an on going project for me. I like working in my house and yard. Soon I want to install some copper pipe about 6" below the roof line on the back porch. I'll run another line about 3' up from the floor as a rail. It will be pretty, but practical too I want to use it as a way of hanging some laundry out to dry (specifically sheets and bath towels). I'm a little concerned about the pipe being too soft. I've been saving pretty bottles for a bottle tree ( also copper). I'm proud of my work. It's nice to catch up on the kitchen. Lower cabinets next. After the beach.

I'm thinking a few things about this roller coaster that flight training has become. For one thing, as I've said earlier, it's hard for me to actually "say" that something is important to me. This certificate is important to me. I tend to back away from letting things get important to me. I definitely keep people at an arms lenght ... or further if possible. I've noticed that I do that even with the people I love. Teenagers are brutal! They say the meanest things sometimes and of course mine have learned that I like everyone to feel nurtured. I've learned to not be moved by everything I hear.

I want to finish this because I do finish what I start. Had I been able to see ahead I wouldn't have started this. I started this when I started the instrument rating - so long ago that I can't remember when without digging a logbook out. When I stopped flying several years ago, I wasn't ready to not fly. It was important to me, but it seemed impossible to continue given my circumstances. I didn't feel like a loser - I felt like something was lost. What happened is, I got the chance to come back and train with some excellent instructors. I had been working with pilots who had just a bit more experience than me - who had trained with pilots who had just a bit more ... . I didn't know I would be back and I didn't know the wait would be worth it. But it has been. Part of what I've learned is to move forward even in to the unknowns (because really, everything is unknown). Maybe that's a trust thing. I think it is.

Now there seems to be a lot of upheaval. I feel uprooted. I feel kinda messed with. I also feel strong enough to say this is important to be. This is mine. I have worked hard and done the things I was supposed to do to get to this point. There's just a little more to do, and I can do that. I am confident that I can with God's help and the help of the people who are working with me. I need to quit listenning to input that takes my confidence down. It's a difficult time for everyone - many more so then me.

While this is important to me in many ways this doesn't matter in the way it does to a lot of the guys out there. This isn't a step in a fabulous career. This doesn't even have to pay the rent. So within that context - this isn't that important. I can keep this in perspective. This is more of a journey towards making me in to who I want to be. The flying is a cool venue for that. This being hard and over run with pop ups is giving me a chance to grow. That may be the real gift here - I've seen a lot of people who just check out on their lives ... overcome by the obstacles ... . I'm blessed.

Because of our poor relationship w the FSDO , and because we don't have a chief in place developing a relationship, and maybe ( idk) because our FSDO was not in favor of our former chief being " let go", our guys don't think this is a good time to send a CFI candidate up. I am receiving advice to seek my CFII as my initial and do that not here. Do that at a finish up school in Florida maybe or Texas.
I don't like the sounds of that. I understand the thinking but it seems very backward.
Time to float for a couple of days. Beachdays coming up.

Now it's bedtime and I've been mulling this over - I am inclined to stay on the course I've set. Train here with the awesome CFI I get to work with. Do my ground stuff which I enjoy figuring out or understanding and then go do this thing. No maneuvering or running just stand where I'm supposed to stand.

I've been thinking about why I want to work as a CFI. I don't know how I'll answer that question when asked because the truth is probably more personal then I would share ... like most of my truths. People really want a casual answer. How are you? I am fine. That kind of thing.

I read what I wrote about those children creating art. Yeah, they skipped away with a tangible treasure ... something worth keeping ... worth framing. But what was so meaningful to me is the fact that they became more then they were in the process of acquiring the skills and creative motive to produce or render that object. The act of creating or accomplishing built them. Their choices and effort made them more. Guess what? I don't especially like children. They are messy and un - self disciplined. They cry over the littlest thing and look at you to make things better. Their charm is overstated. They don't know what they think and in fact, they almost don't think. I didn't like them before I started having them and it is a miracle that I like mine ... but I do most of the time. I like adults. Or at least almost adults - I like people starting when they are no longer children. Young adults are fun, because they are figuring out what they actually think rather then what they are instructed to think. I have noticed "that" to be one of the main differences between here (Deep South) and there (God's own country aka Texas). In Texas, people tend to know what they think and are unapologetic about it even when they are dead wrong. Over here people tend to look at each other to see what they think. A few people tell everyone else what we think .. or tradition makes the call. Not all bad, but not very interesting either. I like people who know what they think or are a very least putting in the effort to figure it out.
Pilots tend to be that kind of person.
Sitting in that little right seat of that little airplane keeping the environment safe and conducive to learning - collaborating with a person who is in the process of becoming more through their choices and effort. I've seen it happen. I just tapped that out and I may need to refine it, but I think that's it. I want to help someone on this journey. It's a worthy pursuit. I can help them get started. I already know it will take them to a better version of themselves.

Something interesting (to me) and weird happened this morning. I frequently wake up before my husband on Sunday (and Saturday - I wake up at my usual time or early - he sleeps late because he can). If I can I stay in bed and read. Sometimes I try to sneak out for coffee and then come back and read ... that potentially wakes him up and I like for him to treat himself to extra sleep when he will. Today I read about Doolittle's Raiders ... #13 was describing his life both before and after the war. I started thinking about where I may be on the time line for my life and I think I have a lot of life still ahead. I am in the middle of being a wife and mother, but my children range from adult down to highly capable and I see that I am timing out on that part of my life being as exclusive a focus. That's part of the reason for working towards something that I love to do ... or at least hope I will! The weird thing: My husband woke up and said, "You are so beautiful (that sort of thing)." And I said I was looking at a picture of myself and I really wish I would lose this extra 20 pounds ... and he said something like don't worry about that now, you have enough on your plate ... and I think you are lovely. Pretty nice talk. I thought to myself that I have never thought of myself as attractive (or unattractive for that matter). I think of my fitness but not my looks. But - when I see an old picture of myself I can see a pretty woman or girl. As I laid there I could almost feel those tiny wrinkles and loose dry skin that old women have. I imagined myself with thin white hair and deep lines. It was an odd feeling. I've seen old ladies with their skin kinda hanging on the bone - hahaha - I'm laughing because I imagine my self with a slack rear end and bonely knees. I'm laughing at the potential for an old me not at old people in general. L. had some show on last night where really old people were talking about how great their sex lives were. Seriously! It felt weird to feel myself old. I said to my husband that I should just enjoy this time (when someone really thinks I am beautiful). I bet I look back at these days (through the cataracts...eewww) and I'll think I was strong and lovely. I'll like my capable hands and all the rest of me. A lot of living will happen between now and then. Some of it will matter, but a lot of it won't matter as much as it will seem to at the time. By then I hope I'll have many good memories stored in this jar of clay.
I need to enjoy the muscle tone while I can!