I have decided to push my "sad" aside. My sad I cannot fix. It's circumstantial and I've been on the planet long enough to know that things change. I am going to concentrate on what I can appreciate. On what I can be thankful for. My husband gave me a present at the beach. It is a coffee thermos from the "Life is Good" store. It is pretty adorable. Five likes their cute little graphic tees, and they are sweet. Too sweet for my closet, but this thermos is just right for me. It is buttery yellow with a stainless steel interior. On the front " Life is Good", and on the back "do what you like like what you do". A thermos for my delicious hot coffee so I can drink it on the way to the airport. I like it.

Sad time is over I'm going to pull the stuff that works together and concentrate on excelling at what I like.

Eighteenth floor right on the sand had some real advantages. Both the great room and the master bedroom enjoyed a floor to ceiling ( spectacular) Gulf view. I liked the balconies and the ability to open glass doors to catch the sounds and scents of the coast. Last night the moon was full and I loved seeing it glide across the sky painting the water's surface with various shades of grey. I'm pretty sure Monet was inspired by those kind moonbeams. Last night's semi- routine wake ups were welcome. I thought of that old Cat Stephens song - Moonshadows.

Now we're driving West to see the oil spill ... All we saw was beautiful white beaches. Everything looked good. All good.

I saw a lot of people on motorcycles. I think motorcycle rides look like a lot of fun. I thought a ride through the mountains would be fun, but after seeing motorcycles on those long stretches of road along the shore I can see that they'd be fun in a lot of different places. I wish we had the ability to hover like the vehicles in Return of the Jedi. I am afraid of motorcycles because I am afraid of the irregularities of asphalt. Wheels seem so inefficient.

I took Friday off. FI called and said the chief is packing his car. Friday was his last day. He worked very hard at what he knew to do at the flight school. I can see why his time at the helm is up, but I can also see his contributions. Tuesday will send off one of the most senior young CFIs. He will be missed. I am pretty fond of several of those young men. We expect many more of them to matriculated in the next couple of months. I'm proud of them. So - we're looking at w change in leadership and the normal ebb ans flow of these guys moving on to what comes next for their careers. Good strong pilots. Last week was a rough week - I sure hope things begin to stabilize soon

A book titled "The Jesus I Never Knew" ~Phillip Yancey, does a pretty good job of describing those wounded or broken parts of our psyches or souls, as where an arrow (or many arrows) found it's mark. I was given a bow and arrows for Christmas when I was 11 years old. I loved playing with it. Over the next several years I practiced shooting my growing collection of arrows. I loved watching them fly. I would shoot them into a hay bale. Or sometimes through stuff we hung in the trees. I've admired cross bows recently. As I said earlier, I am not a hunter. I've never had to kill an animal so I haven't. I know a kid who loves to bow hunt and I have looked at the pictures of his trophies (kills). The arrow slits the flesh as it enters, knifing its way in to disable and eventually cause or facilitate the death of the animal. I'm not a tree hugger...let people hunt if they want to...I'm not judging (or really even thinking about that). I'm mentioning the whole arrow thing in support of what I am thinking about today. Which is: all of us walk around with those wounds and/or scars where the arrows that life pierces us with came through the soft flesh. Wounds, cracks ... same idea.
A clean edged wound sutures better. A surface wound heals faster. Clean wounds, protected wounds .... Tended wounds. I try to not leave wounds where I messed up and said or did something hurtful. I also try to tend to my own wounds - so they don't become large, disabling sore spots. Sometimes that is not possible. I have an old wound. The arrows came in slowly, one followed by another, all finding the same mark and when I pulled one out I began to bleed out. The next arrow I left in place as a precaution... Sometimes the remedy is worse than the ruin. Somebody came by with medicine for my wound and my wound got better. I got stronger. That is somthing to be thankful for.

1 July - I saw several typos here and that happens when I post directly from my phone like I sometimes do. Anyway, as I read through this today I remembered my dad saying "You can lick your wounds, but don't pick them." My dad. Hahaha. My brother and I talked about that. He observed that our dog was a big advocate of wound licking. We decided that my dad meant that literally! My mom would have passed flat out if she had seen any of us licking an oowie! That's pretty good advice when understood! Daddy tried. : )

pouring our "love" in to each other

That quote at the top of the page - The way to love someone is to lightly run your finger over that person's soul until you find a crack, and then gently pour your love into that crack ~ Keith Miller - when I saw that I knew it was perfect, but we can't really do that, can we?
This blog, I write for myself (it's amazing how clear stuff gets as I take time to write it down), and also for my two traveling girlfriends ... I know I said the thing about being raised with boys yesterday, but y'all know I've done most of my growing up with you. I said a few days ago, that I know what my role is in a group ... my role is to help coalesce the group. You do that by finding the bonding compound and applying it judiciously. You don't try to change anyone, you just find their attachment points and build from there ... sometimes you build a bridge, sometimes you get an attachment that is so clean that it disappears...seamless. I am excited to see that that can be done from the outside too ... . That part of me that not trusting took hostage ... I had said goodbye to that part of me. I thought that part of me was gone. I had started doing pretty good with my nextgen trust right at that time when I realized - well I actually asked the question; can I still sorta trust you (because if you have to ask you already aren't working with real trust) And then Britney starting singing Oops I did it again. Someone who seemed to know said randomly, "If someone does that to you, they will do it again." I wanted that to be wrong, so I asked. And what I found out, I didn't want to know. I didn't want to think about it. It hurt too much to think about it ... yeah, that thing I've asked God to think about. It was obvious to all that my trust circuitry was almost repaired when that lightening bolt hit home. I don't want to be messed up. At very least and probably the truth is at the most as well, I want to trust God. That is the foundation of a well relationship. I want my soul to be well. That crack...all those cracks...I would very much like to be a vessel glued back together. The down side to that is when you glue someone, that glue becomes a part of them too. Just because you can't see the glue you put there doesn't mean it's not there. So we put a bit of ourselves - that stuff that we have an abundance of whatever it is - into each others cracks.
Hmmm that sounds a little colorful - I'll try again.
"I can do all things through Christ who strenghtens me." But He doesn't show up with skin on -atleast not that I've been aware of. He lets us participate by doing what we do - being who we really are - and (sometimes inadvertently)gently pouring our gift in to that broken area of the people around us. We do that without even trying to when we are being authentically who we're supposed to be. That is exactly why it's so important to just be who we are intended to be. (That sniper show - the person who had to be killed wasn't someone's love, he was the stack of the people he would kill if you let him. I'm saying that here because you - the real you - are not just someone God loves, you also represent all the healing compound that only you can put in to the brokenness around you.)
That is enough thinking for one morning ... the washer has stopped and I think there is only one load behind this one. And - today i get to fly and I need to get my head there so I can rock the maneuvers - it's been almost two weeks.
This post goes with that post titled Nascent (I think). Need to see if that is in storage or out here.

joint projects

Today I am reading reading reading the REGs. OMG what a ton of regs ...I read them every semester, but I think I better start some kind of continuous circle through. I learn stuff with every pass - I am worrying about getting hammered on the regs when I get to my certification process. Today, I am doing heavy laundry (slip covers)and cooking too. I want some meals ready for those nights that I teach. My girls were fussing this morning and that always grates on me. Now they are buddies again and off to the pool. I am so glad that I grew up with only boys ... boys get quiet when they are annoyed. Quiet is underrated. I like the litmus test "will it matter a year from now?", if not - chillax. I say that. I am the person who is pretty close to redlining my worry gauge! Stress management. That is the new topic for DeAnnie. I so do not want to take my 50plus year old self out for that 5 mile morning run. That helps - I used to like it before I let it go ... but it's not optimal for my age, and it made my husband nervous. It would not be helpful in our current tenuous state for me to be out at the gym with all the early birds. I am not and have never been a hunter ... one significant other in a lifetime is enough of a challenge for me! He really should get that by now! Yoga - time consuming and it just feels like fancy stretching - it feels good but kinda self-indulgent and time consuming too. Seems like all my time is consumed by tending to my family and pursuing the certificate. I do this blog to relax. And I listen to music in the bathtub. I was noticing that I was starting to have a martini every night. I stopped that. Drinking doesn't build anything. My husband said he likes me better when I have a cocktail, but I have noticed that him having a cocktail works just as well. Bitchy. He is acting very nice right now - still no ring - I think he has backed himself into a corner where putting it back on would make him feel like he lost points in his game. I don't care if he has it on or not as far as my feelings go. I am concerned that he is sending out a message that he doesn't want everyone to hear, but it is his business. The ring is a symbol of something that is ... shattered? ... It's a marriage, but not the one either of us hoped for. I am cynical about marriage.

Maybe, that's part of the stress load that I can manage better. I'm still thinking about that history channel sniper show. I'm thinking about the words that were wrapped around the events ... it made the kills very doable - manageable - they never called it a kill. The target was neutralized...yeah. The snipers were interviewed and I could see the pride just behind their eyes. I was proud of them too, frankly. Impressive. If the exact same events were played out with different words playing it could have affected me entirely differently. That may not make sense quite. If the shooters had been laughing ... if they had not seemed to be serious or dignified ... grave. Maybe this time in my life is like depression that sets in on some people at Christmas time. We buy in to this idea that is presented on the face of Christmas cards ... the lights and decorations ... the festivities seem like that chicken dancing inside the glass box in Reynosa. Maybe I am ready to accept the truth that marriages - my marriage - isn't what I thought it would be or what I hoped it would be. What in life is? I think I need to assess the big pieces ... take a hard look at what we've got to work with here. There are some good pieces left. I'm proud of a lot of what we have built together. We've got several joint-projects to complete yet. That is where I need to think. Not about how different this is than what I hoped and worked for. The reality of what I've got, not what I think I wish for. I really do feel angry at my husband and part of me - my hand - would love to take my ring off and toss it at him and say "I'm out." But I know I will not do that - ever. I made that decision many many years ago. So - I am in. And because I am in I will do my best. In the past I made the mistake of letting him decide what a good wife was, but I am older and wiser now and I realized one day about a year or so ago, that I have to answer for myself. And that is serious business. I gotta let go of the pretty picture that I want my marriage to be and make it the best version of what it actually is. I think that will help reduce the stress for me. I am grieving for something that isn't. Wisps. I need to move past that to what is.

Father's Day

"We are like dwarfs sitting on the shoulders of giants. We see more, and things that are more distant, than they did, not because our sight is superior or because we are taller than they, but because they raise us up, and by their great stature add to ours." ~attributed to John of Salisbury 11c monk and later idea expressed by Sir Isaac Newton..."If I have seen further, it is by standing on the shoulders of giants."


My dad was a tall man, he seemed like a giant to me, and when he put me up on his shoulders I was thrilled with the view. Sometimes he'd hold on to me by my ankles leaving my arms free to fly about. I loved it when he'd throw me up and catch me shrieking, fly me ... fly me .
Thanks for encouraging me to go over the mountain and really look for what I could see ... thanks for encouraging me to decide for myself what to see and what I thought of what I could see ... thanks for underlining the idea that "you can't believe everything you see" ... thanks for helping me understand that just because I see it that way doesn't always mean I'm right, or when I won't/can't see it at all doesn't mean it's not real ... What I am trying to say is thanks for teaching me to believe in myself ... thanks for helping me want to stop short of arrogance and lack of compassion.

Thanks Daddy, for being such a great dad and friend. I don't know how you pulled it off, but I felt like I could talk with you about anything. I liked it that you listenned so intently. I liked it that your comments felt like ideas and not commands.

Thanks for the care you took of us. I miss you.

Today.
I am practicing staying in today.
I began tidying up True North recently - storing some of the older posts while I decide if they still belong here, or not. This past year and a half or so I've been thinking about and working on trust. I thought the trust application was what was most broken about me. The saying "when the student is ready, the teacher will appear" has been true. I was ready to trust and someone trustworthy came along. Wow. He did not look like someone I would trust. My first impression of him wasn't favorable and I don't remember when I started liking him...probably right around the time I suddenly trusted him. I expected trust to feel like a warm blanket, sorta soothing, sorta comforting. If you could taste it, it would be buttery like girl scout cookies. Instead trust made me feel safe and strong enough to trust myself. Now I am trying to think "I trust you" every time I can...similar to building any muscle - light reps at first. And, it doesn't have to be a big deal. It can be "I trust you with something specific and minor". It's a little bit about self confidence, but it hasn't settled out yet so I am unable to process it still. But it's good. I still do not like the huge " I trust you" because for me that seems to forge a bond that makes me feel too vulnerable...it feels like giving a piece of yourself into their care and probably imposes a burden on the trustee. I am going to try to trust God like that. And I think that kind of trust equals faith. I trusted someone trustworthy and nothing about that specific dynamic has changed because I still trust them. I don't see them anymore so it's pretty convenient for me to trust someone who is not around to mess it up : ) just kidding ... I think. All kidding aside, that teacher gave me a gift: the ability to choose to trust,which can lead me to trusting God by choosing to do so.

Now I want to start working on staying in the day. I want to practice being intentional about today. Part of that means not worrying too far out about stuff I know is beyond my control.
I've never been considered controlling by anyone who knows me well. I do have a lot of opinions, that's true. I know what I think about the things I've thought about. I also really like stuff to have a place and be in that place, but that doesn't happen often in a home with a lot of helpers. I don't mean that facetiously. People have all different ways of how they think things should be done. I would alphabetize the pantry if it was "my" pantry ... but I don't impose my system on the rest of my family. If they fold the towels I accept their way of folding.
One of my sons recently had me proof a paper he wrote on "sliding" - which means not thinking about stuff that needs some attention. A slider lets events move her along. Reactive rather than proactive. I'm definitely not saying that planning isn't good just that fretting is counterproductive.
Back to staying in the day: Like the certif I'm currently working on. Worrying about it actually makes a successful completion less likely... And it steals a lot of the shear joy out of the exercise. Am I going to have to support my self as a flight instructor? I could legitimately fret about that. And that is silly. Everyone knows flight instructors can't make ends meet. Worrying about the check ride gauntlet is counterproductive. I want to enjoy the process and I want to enjoy the day as it unfolds.
My kid just walked through and said "M24 sniper rifle" - how does he know that? I'm sitting here by myself watching the History channel. These sniper guys really think in detached terms. I need to adopt a strategy something like that to maximize my efforts. The check pilot has been called Herr whatever ... I'm gonna start thinking of him as twinkie starting...now
Today. We planted 6 blueberry trees. We planted the three new bushes I have wanted in places where the sticker bushes were. The sticker bushes are finally gone thanks to that kid who graciously contributed what he could to help his mom. He doesn't fold towels well, but that is okay.
Today is almost complete. I am going to spend the rest of it re-reading the regs. That will help.

Is sukalicious a word?

wow what a sukalicious day. Honestly, other than someone dying I cannot remember a more stressful day. I do two things - well, three.
I try to walk with my hand in God's hand. I realize that my retardedness makes that walk very tedious for God, but He set this up not me so....
I try to honor the promises I have made ... to my husband within the context of our marriage and to my five children. I remember holding each one of them in my arms while I watched them take their first breathes - I promised that I would always do my very best for them. What's best is hard to figure out, but I am deeply committed to addressing that.
And three - I fly. I fly to rebuild myself, to get back some of who was compromised along the way (difficult accomplishments make me stronger)and I fly with the objective of helping others as they reach for this goal...what it means to me is of little concern, people have their own reasons for doing things that are difficult and I am comfortable with providing support for that.

I am not thrilled - less than - about how things are for my family. That may not be a huge big deal. I really don't know. I like that One has graduated and is doing a good job of making hard choices. Two - partying, but maybe okay ...maybe on track. Three - coming up on senior year ... strong, confident, kind, looking like a man will happen there. Four - mini me ... she'll be okay. And Five ... she's ten... she's looking pretty good. Marriage - hmmm - I didn't see this coming and it may be that middle age crazy thing ... it is seriously pissing me off but I may be able to get through this. Thirty years in. I should be able to figure this one out. Either way should look about the same for me. Alone is doable, if not preferable... that remains to be seen. I'm not a big fan of bitter, but I may have to walk through that, I don't haftah stay there. I have my ring off and I am kind of okay with the whole goose and gander thing. I am remembering the me that won't to be fucked with. I'm just a little bit tired of trying to be a sweetheart all the time.

And then I fly. I have never seen such a confusing mess as this flight school mess. I am going to think about this, but not tonight. I have never been this unsure about my path before. My buddy said, "don't blow a gasket over this", but seriously, this is not looking right.

I totally know that this sounds like someone who has had a martini and a half but ... even the beach is getting fucked up.

I like the stories that a stack of quilts tells. My Great grandmother was a quilter. As I have mentioned previously, she lived with my grandparents towards the end of her life. After school I would sometimes drop by and visit with her. Mainly I just threaded her needles and watched as she worked. She was a shy woman, but very peaceful, and I enjoyed asking her questions and hearing her stories. She had arrived from California via the airlines. She loved to fly she said. Her son, my Uncle Bill, bought her a special traveling outfit which was slacks. She told me that she felt almost indecent wearing slacks ... she must have been at least 75 years older than I, probably more. I loved her and I enjoyed her soft spokenness and her openness - there was no telling what she might say, but she chose her words carefully and was so ladylike. It makes me smile to think of her. She was half Cherokee and as tall as I am with laughing golden green eyes and soft shining white hair.



She explained to me that quilts were made from the usable scraps of worn out clothing. Here is the dress I wore to ... and the edge from that old table cloth ... this was ... . She wandered through with a story for this piece and that piece. She saw quilting as an art form and I'm thinking now maybe as a way of preserving her memories.

I have a stack of quilts that I like quite a bit.

I started remembering her this morning as I updated my photo blog. It is a lot like a quilt. Each photo holds a story for that day. Each photo holds a second that in turn holds a scrap from that day. My daughter suggested we do it together and I thought yes in support of her, but it has turned out so far to be my project, and I enjoy it immensely. She may "catch up", either way is perfectly fine. I enjoy very much adding my photos and looking back at previous ones. I like seeing the trends of what I like to look at and how I like to see things. It's a lot of fun.

focus

Airport ops etc. tonight - I enjoyed being back with my class. Private ground students are very enthusiastic about learning. Well, atleast initially. I'll have to throw them over my shoulder and run through the weather/regs stage two material. They don't love weather theory. My favorite CFI really helped me see "invisible" weather. Wind is a big deal. They are not sensitive to that yet. The regs are a very important element to me. They have to know the rules to keep their certificate safe and to be responsible citizens of the aviation community.

I really enjoyed my flight today. My buddy is getting ready for a ride. I got to show off my smokin' hot power off 180 technique. He was so impressed and I of course was delighted. It felt really good to 'splain it to him.

No flying tomorrow. I have some ground work and some housework to do. Hope to get to swim with my girls also.

I felt cherished and safe... And that's still not the right words for the feeling. Cherished was an initial but fleeting feeling. Safe was always a part of that feeling of trust until something happenned to upset things and then I was intentionally undermined. I was taken down at the weather desk. Pretty funny. Lots of pilots have problems at the weather desk. Trusting lulled me in to feeling interpersonally safe. But I wasn't.

What's better for hunting? A rifle, maybe with a scope? A hand gun? The close range would give the deer a better chance... More sporting some might say, but then does the deer think the hunter is unarmed? At the lake there was a man who would feed the deer every evening. He even slid flea collars over their necks. He did his hunting with a knife.
My husband didn't rejoice with me that I had experienced the ability to trust (someone other than him). He's the guy walking around without his wedding ring on. College ring yes. Wedding ring no. Yesterday, my flying buddy asked me what do your children think of their Dad w/o his ring on? One thinks I need to see an attorney. Two is unaware. Three may be unaware, if he does know he's thinking about how to use it to his advantage. Four is mad at me for not being more jr league...she's pretty sure that's the problem. And Five thinks daddy's ring just doesn't fit. "Wow, why's he doing this?" flying buddy asked. I shrugged and said, "It's some kind of power game". Just another power game that I don't quite understand. Just another way of sucking the energy out of me. "Do you think y'all will divorce?" he asked. I said "I think marriage is a covenant relationship." Meaning God's business. I am trying to reach for how it felt to trust. I am trying to trust God. I am trying to believe what I can't see. The invisible moving the visible.

Everything seems at loose ends and I feel scared. I wish I could just give up today. I'm spending another summer training and I am questioning myself. Women like me are doing bakram yoga and shopping. Seems like everyone has a coach bag. I feel like I'm just not a very good woman sometimes.

Today's flight was fun and discouraging all within the same 1.0. My flying buddy says I should fly more mechanical, the FI I'm working with fusses about me flying too mechanically... Everybody has an opinion, a different opinion. I'm working on my talk about the Vg diagram... Can't really discuss that without looking at several concepts. Then I hear one of the FSDO guys is all about systems while the other guy is all about aerodynamics. I started this part 141 and we've lost our examing authority ... I feel the hurdles growing, shifting. I'm isolating myself by being interested in flying when I'm the only pilot I know other than the guys at the flight school.

My FI said 5 years of instructing and I'd be burned out on it. He wondered what I might do then. He said I know you like flying a Navajo, you'd like a King Air... I told him I was thinking about instructing at the beach ... Maybe flying a little with retirees who have lost their medicals. I told him I'd have to charge a little higher than the going rate just so they wouldn't think it was a date. He laughed.

I'm just feeling sorry for myself tonight. Stressed.

Beachy

Today was a wonderful day - another day at the beach. For the first time ever I walked on the beach in the dark. There were a lot of people strolling with flashlights. The stars were twinkling while the waves rolled in and out. We saw a crab swimming and a very big bird fishing. Today began and ended with a long walk along the shore. We spent several hours in the water resting in tubes. I got so much water in my face from a wave that my sinuses are still a little salty. That bird that we saw tonight was magnificent gliding back and forth.

clear prop

Here we are at 3am and I am awake as usual! Fortunately we're at the beach. Being at the beach is very close to being in the air on my "favorite places to be" list. Where else? I'm starting to think that even though I am afraid of motorcycles that maybe, just maybe, safe and snug with someone I trust driving (steering?) I might just love a motorcycle ride through the mountains. It's good to be at the beach.

This was a crazy week. Started Monday with a flight. I can't remember any of the details except to say it was a training flight and my steep turns sucked. I get +/- 50' , +/- 10 KIAS. I was using up 200'. It's something I've never done - I'm pulling the entry. Well I was. I cut it out on Friday's flight. I also saw favorite CFI on Monday. He's no longer around so that was a nice surprise. He looked happy and healthy. It was good to see him looking well. I enjoyed thinking about some of the important things I learned with him, because of him. Some people pass through your life leaving you better than they found you. I hope I am that kind of CFI. I hope I am that kind of person.
On Friday I flew two flights plus the sim. The sim flight was very cool. Glass. I was supposed to be working on steep turns just below a cloud layer. It was an interesting experiment. I could easily see what I was doing to mess myself up. Next we flew. There's a small field about 22 miles west of my home field. I rocked the performance landings - wait! That wasn't Fridays flight because my ST still stank that day. I loved that day because I heard myself say, "It is really beautiful over here". I can't believe how beautiful it is over here. On Friday it was super hazy and I opted for the SE Training area - my steep turns weren't too bad. Later I flew a purely for fun flight with a young CFI who I like but hadn't had the opportunity to fly with. He said,"DeAnn, if you put your pant leg over that vent it'll really help you stay cool". It was so funny. I laughed and laughed. He asked, "Why'd that make you laugh ~ "I'm serious", he said, "... it's a greenhouse in this thing!" I told him I liked doing that but someone I flew with said doing stuff like that just blows your stink all around the plane. It just made me laugh to remember. I smell good most of the time. I have been distracted by how things non-airplane smell while in the plane ... I just don't cozy up with the vents anymore!
I had fun flying the arrow with this guy. The airplane cabin was blisteringly hot and the airplane climbed poorly. The performance was below par in all areas. It was easy to execute steep turns in though. Nose heavy enough to compensate for my new tendency to pull early. I didn't hate flying it. Right before we departed for that fun flight, a training flight landed gear up. The airplane, other than the very problematic prop strike, looked surprising okay. All the antennae are sheared off the belly, but I was surprised to see how symmetric the skid marks are. The marks on the runway show the prop whacking itself on the asphault about every three foot for several rotations...the governor and crankshaft and on back into the engine probably look pretty sad. It was a check ride. A commercial practical test type check ride. It's gonna hurt the pilots, particularly the check pilot who has probably had his hand on the gear lever many thousands of times. It makes me very sad to think of him in this mess.

So here we are at the beach floating in the 12th story corner unit. If I open the front sliding door and the back sliding door the gulf air venturi s through almost lifting my cares in the process.

Finishing

I have accepted that I am tired. I'm going to bed and to sleep earlier. Last night I woke up less often than what has become usual. Today, I'm going to drink my delicious hot coffee and then I'm going to go outside and walk around in my yard...do a little weeding. I'll go out to the airport at 11:00 to take care of some paperwork for tonight's meeting - beginning the summer semester.

All my CFI candidate buddies are gone. That has freaked me out just a tad - now I have the departure brief on each one of them and things make more sense. I've thought about myself as a young woman running track. I ran long distance and because of my height I also jumped for the team. I didn't take to hurdles. I didn't like setting a pace that accommodated leaping over fences. I didn't like how the hurdles appeared to get higher as I approached them. It was sickenning to imagine myself face first into the gravel...bloody and tangled up...broken. That's how this process towards the big check ride had started to feel. And when my fellow runners disappeared I started gnawing on what they knew that I hadn't figured out.

So I am re-booting. I'm gonna rest a bit and I'm gonna come out for this last lap.

Here we are rocketing down the road. This 12+ hour drive began at one today. Now it's tenthirty. I'm sitting in the back seat while my son drives and chats softly with his dad. I like hearing them laugh together. My son drives way too fast like I do. I am assessing the risks... The safety subroutine is running. His reflexes are better than mine but his experience is limited... Dads watching, but he would agree with me that he is not as vigilant a driver as I. How do the tires on the vehicles around me look... Is that car holding steady on his lane ... Cars are stopped ahead and seriously there is a horrible stomach turning wreck site. We've moved past Did I do everything as I should have he just asked and his dad said yes. I can see his shoulders are tense now. He's never seen a mess like that. He has settled into a speed 15 mph slower than he was running ... He's decided that he is law abiding I guess Now we've passed perpindicular to some flashing approach lights. I'm the only one in the car who noticed...the only one who would be interested MALSR? So many pieces to remember. I was going to write about something specific when I began tonight. I was just settling in when everything ahead became red.

Reflections on Trust

17 July - I realized that my sin causes God to feel bad. Previously I had seen my wrong behavior as hurting only me (and maybe the people around me) - it seemed not that important - like my bad - my transgressions didn't seem big enough to reach God. My heart hadn't seen the idea that my mess making actually grieves God ... and that I don't have to be consumed by the emotions or influences that carry me towards behavior that is less than.

The Bible talks about a worthy walk:
1 Thes.5:15 Walk in manner worthy of your calling for which you have been called with all gentleness and humility with patience showing forbearance to one another in love, being diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit.
Phil 1:27...walk worthy of the Gospel
1 Thes.2:12...walk worthy of God
That kind of walking has to be done with my hand in God's hand. That requires trust.

I remember the joy found when each of my children began their first faltering steps. I think God has been patiently waiting for me to think of walking towards Him...walking with Him.

I also noted the idea that as a believer, I don't have to get upset when things don't appear to be going as I want/expect is best. I can trust those things unseen because I can trust the God unseen. Faith is the substance of things unseen yet believed.

American King James Version - Hebrews 11:1
Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

By faith I accept that the invisible things of God are behind the visible. (Heb. 11:3). I've seen this verse used to try to manipulate God - I'm not thinking about it like that here. All I'm thinking is I can trust or have faith in God ... confident that He's caring about me regardless of how things look or how I feel. My anxieties are legimate cares (maybe) that He says I can "cast on Him".


5 August - I wanted to blow off the importance of an event because my actions helped create a mess...and then my actions weren't enough to clean up the mess. I don't like messes and in this case I didn't like the pain of the mess. I felt angry, trapped, by the ridiculousness of it. When there seemed to be nothing I could do about the situation I thought to forget it. People say, "Women are not good at just letting things go...". One of my friends at work says that, and I've heard it off and on over the years. I tend to disagree, based on my experience with myself. I am very good at dismissing things - even things that should matter - the song line "my give a damn is busted..." frequently me. Dismissing, diminishing, disrespecting, disappearing...all ways of letting it go... All examples of how I learned to protect myself from pain...and sometimes the growth that might result from facing it. On 5 August I didn't blow it off as I wanted to and normally would have. Why? I've wondered. I have actually tried to blow it off a few times since but was unable to. Why? I don't really know the answer to that, but I think it's because I careduh. I cared, because I had chosen to trust this person - my messmaking buddy. Apparently, that commitment - extending trust - comes with or brings or opens other things up too. In this case, I would very much like not to care, but I do. I do not like how that care makes me feel.
The struggle of wanting to blow it off (as nicely as possible) and the pull towards growing up a little took me to 1 Cor 13. This one little event - a mess I participated in - led me to understand that my messedupness interacting with the messedupness of others is going to result in some big messes. The best I can do is stay as close to the model expressed in 1 Cor 13. Yeah - I'm not very good at it, it's hard, but I'm not going to get better at it by blowing off places to practice it. Protects,Trusts,Hopes,Perseveres...Loves. It's always okay to love. Love calls me to stay engaged even when it hurts. This one event is relatively insignificant as an event, it was a pebble tossed in a pond. The ripples are radiating out - they express the significance. I like it that God is good at finding a way to get my attention - to get me to understand. I am grateful.

In this particular case I have accepted that this mess won't be resolved ... cleaned up ... something - a jar of peaches - fell off of a shelf and got broken ... tiny glass shards, fruit and stickysticky peach juice scattered on the floor ... and everyone walked around it and moved on to the next aisle. I stood there for awhile waiting and thinking - trying. This March, 9mnts later, I realized that I didn't have to stand there any longer. I think I learned some stuff about trust and caring ... and love while I was there and I can take that with me. I stood in my mess and now I don't have to anymore.

Maybe I learned not to run so carelessly through the store. Maybe I learned not to bump my basket into stuff. I hope I learned something - I'm waiting to see how the lessons are expressed. Learning can be defined as a change in behavior as a result of experience.

Maybe I'm learning to put myself (and my stuff) in God's hands. I don't think it's wrong to leave this little thing and maybe even some of my big things in God's hands - I'm not fond of that expression because it sounds so churchy and ...I don't know... I just have a negative reaction to it... it seems weak even though I realise it takes a lot of strenght to lay things down. What I really mean is God was watching when the peaches fell. I hope that His love makes this mess right... I hope with all my heart. And I am so sorry that I am a messy little thing. I like to clean up my own messes but this time I can't and I'm counting on God.

25 August I noted a random text (following) written on the day of (before) the broken peach jar incident - I think some of the most interesting and life informing adventures have been mundane circumstances...interpersonal journeys with the everyday people around me. I would have liked to have experienced the exotic flavors of far away places - but I realize today that adventures are where you find them. We are jars of clay housing adventuring souls ~ I said that ... I believe that. It was a simple note to a friend of one of my children within the context of choices he was trying to make.

On 2 August I wrote: Recently, I have learned that "trust" is a key component in adventures of the soul. I am a novice at trust. I see close enough to have meaningful dialogue as close enough to hurt me. I have thought that it was my job to protect myself. I'm starting to realize that it's not my job and in fact it may very well be one of the ways I make messes around myself! Protecting me seems to be God's job ... if I am His it just follows that looking out for me is His business ... and when I look out for myself, not only am I trying to do his job, but I am resisting movement (of my self towards areas of perceived personal discomfort)towards where He may actually want me to be. It's complicated by the fact that I am expected to make some choices - even choices about protecting myself. Trust while difficult for me is worth working at. Trust is Faith.

CS Lewis wrote that you can not sample joy without a side of pain ... the two are interwoven. I don't want to hurt...and I really don't want to hurt other people...most people probably feel the same way. I do want to be courageous in putting myself out there for those life shaping - soul growing - journeys. Last week I was thinking about the pearl inside the oyster and the aggravation that produces that thing of beauty/value. I remembered that the book of Revelation describes the gates of heaven as being made of a solid pearl. I can see the possibility of symbolism there.

I am comfortable with the fact that I will never fly the big airplanes or the other cool stuff that flys. I'm not going to land in jungles or deserts, on carriers or anywhere very exotic. I expect that my body (and my little airplane) will be pretty safe on my adventures and I am thankful for the luxury of that. At the same time, I don't want to back away from the idea that life is interesting and exciting and ultimately good ... and that I am called towards staying engaged with the people and experiences around me. It's sometimes scary, but worth the work. I see life as where we fit ourselves for what comes next ... whatever that is.

When I first started flying I had to trust the CFI to keep me safe. He didn't look like someone I would trust, but he became someone I trusted (at least until I learned how to land myself - lol - just kidding kinda). He helped open the way for me to begin working on my trust issues ... then I scooted away from that work. Recently, in my flight training I have intentionally picked up that issue again and I find working on it painful and rewarding. I have found that the walls come down when I trust...and that is some scary stuff for me (and probably for most people too)... and that is the adventure. It's also almost a miracle for me - to try to trust - people who I can see and - God.

When you trust, you expose yourself to the opportunity to become more than you are ... you give God the chance to grow you a little.I said that ... I believe that. I am thankful to the people who have given me a safe place to work on trust.

Sunday morning - 29th anniversary. I remember that girl 29 years ago today and it makes me laugh ... what a brave naive little thing.

I opened the window near my side of the bed sometime during the night like I usually do when the weather encourages it. This morning I sat up to see a female robin perched atop the hedge. I bet she is building her nest there in the holly bush. There is another nest going in the pink rose vine on my front porch. I wonder how many nests I might pull off of the engines of airplanes this season. That little robin tilted her head when she sensed me...ah, human...and she flew away. I wouldn't think of harming her - I enjoy her presence. She is wary of me whilst she builds in the sticker bush where snakes and cats might play.

Why these today? Arrow - I observed from rear seat. AUO and AUO with reflected CFI - bc I liked it.

Bucket list

Loved the movie - both fine actors and the story was well told.

"The cost of a thing is the amount of what I will call life which is required to be exchanged for it, immediately or in the long run." ~HD Thoreau

I do not have a bucket list but I think it is a good idea. I have noticed that I spend very little time thinking about what I want. As a child we did what/went where my mother wanted to go (within normal constraints - I know that choices tend to make choices) so just my up bringing inclined me to go with the flow. My husband is a man who tends to have strong opinions about how he wants things to be. I'm okay with that. It's kind of funny - I just have not been a person who spends much time thinking about what I want. I am accommodating. I've thought about not wanting to be bossy or selfish or demanding or bitchy. That is - well I don't know what to call that . I don't know what to call it, but I am working on it. Like with that car to call my own. I marvel that I am a 50+ person and I have never really thought about what kind of car I would want until just the last few months...and even at that I am not sure that my husband didn't kinda steer me towards the BMW. I'm not sure. I have said, "I like the Land Rovers." And he has said, nah, you're not the land rover type - and I thought well they are kinda bulky and probably not very maneuverable...and I stopped thinking about Land Rovers after that. I really do like BMWs and I think it is nice that my husband wants me to have a nice car. This isn't about that. This is about intentionally thinking about how I want to not only make a few choices, but also feel entitled to make some choices. I think this may loosely be thought of as - honestly - I am at a loss for words to describe it.

I am thinking about how much I love to fly solo. All the decisions are mine. No one is bothered if I want to circle around to the right or left...no one requires monitoring if I feel like a quick - what's the quickest descent this'll get today - descent... . When I am alone in the plane, I have the freedom to just do what I want without a thought for those I feel responsible for (for their happiness and comfort, for their safety and well being) When I am alone in the plane I do not feel pulled towards nurturing anyone. I think I am at that time in my life when I wonder if being a tender is/was really how I was supposed to spend off these moments. I'm not trying to say I'm totally self-sacrificing or totally complacent because I'm not. All I'm saying is that I tend to put my handful of loves first ... and I tend to be pretty accommodating or considerate of others. I don't assert myself - my wishes. That is the problem that I am dealing with as a CFI candidate. I know that I will be very, maybe too, assertive for the rights of my students ... I know that for certain. I also know if some one says, for example, you stink, even when I know there is no way I stink that I will wonder...I will fret...do I really stink? . I won't tell someone they stink unless they really stink. I would only tell someone you stink if I was willing to help them not stink. I'm using that as an example. If someone told my student you stink, I would immediately assess whether or not they did stink and take action from there. If they didn't stink then someone is going to get their ass kicked for messing with my business. I can do that for someone I am responsible for. Why can't I do that for myself? I think it's time to get "crackalackin" on that.

Beginning of a Bucket List:

my own car that I do not routinely share
I like the M model
it has to be a manual transmission
I do not like the 7 - it reminds me of a funeral procession
I like silver, black and gunmetal grey. I like the pearlized white but I don't think it is my favorite color. I like the black leather interior. It smells good.

I don't even have the car and I am already feeling icky about telling people, "No, you may not drive it - not even around the block."

Today was a great day. I was very happy with my Cross Country plan - I knew I would be. I was very happy with my weather work - I knew I would be. The ceiling remained too low for the trip. I remembered another trip when the clouds were too low. I really wanted to go today but today I did not. Today I learned a little bit about TAS and how it relates to CAS. I sat on that bench that I like so much and watched pre-solo privates land 18 with a light steady cross wind - and I enjoyed seeing the instructors after those flights and I loved seeing the students.

I think all the pollen has gotten to me. I feel very tired and even sad. Last night I had a nightmare. It was very different from any dream I remember having in that my body felt totally detached from my soul. I felt " me but/and we". My body felt like a wrapper. My soul seemed to sit up out of my body listening wary horrified but unafraid, as evil came by and snatched something irrevocable beyond...away...a scream carrying back like a cord of smoke. The dream felt like despair. It felt as though something precious was casually violated and nothing could return it to the time before. It was beyond anguish. My soul understood but I am unable to capture it with words. When I woke from the dream my hands and feet were very cold. My body hurt all over. The fight or flight endorphins had been scrambled. My body still hurts from the tension from that dream.
I have decided to put myself to bed early tonight. And I am thinking about a shot of NyQuil... I don't fly tomorrow, but I almost never take any meds other than the occasional Tylenol. I'm afraid the NyQuil may give me bad dreams...

Note added in June: I remember this dream. One valuable part of it is in remembering that this life in this body in this reality is fleeting. My soul is housed in a very cool earthsuit. I get to make choices that shape who I am becoming. I have been sad, but that is a little self indulgent. I'm not going to stay there. I have a great life. Today I saw women on the border between Pakistan and Russia who were probably my age and younger...they are in a desperate place. They are trying to find answers for the despair in the eyes of their children. None of them were worried about anything a silly as flight instructing.

empty parking space - collection of runoff pollen

Wind

Jn1:8. The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear it's sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the spirit.

So I'm thinking about wind. This reference from scripture is within the context of the holy spirit being sovereign... Working as he pleases in the restoration of human hearts. I'm thinking about this because as a pilot I am continuously reminded that the wind is a major player in the flight. I can't see it but I can see it's effects. The airplane is ever responsive to it. It's kinda funny, without going into it here, the wind direction and speed is available ... But try as we might to predict or quantify it, it is always at least slightly different. Or a lot different. Or shearing. A student said yesterday, " yeah, I checked the winds aloft ( FD) but I'm starting to notice that they are never accurate". Yeah me too I thought. I understand uneven heating, highs and lows and pressure gradients, friction and Coriolis, "local" winds... all that good stuff. The wind still seems to blow wherever it pleases.

I'm starting to think about this.

The invisible moving the visible.


29 April - thoughts on this a few days later:
Yesterday I flew a trip from AUO to BHM. I was very interested in the winds aloft because it was reported as 9900 all along my route of flight at 6,000 and below. I was surprised. I've never seen calm winds being forecast over that large an area. I didn't believe it. After looking at several other weather products I shrugged - maybe they are calm I thought because they was nothing to indicate otherwise.

It was pretty bumpy - no big deal - little light airplanes get bumped around some. Hit check point one and two maybe saw check point three those electrical lines can become iffy the big warehouse that I google - the one south of the interstate between two rail lines ... nowhere to be seen. I was so disappointed. I planned and planned a little visual trip - and it wasn't as lovely as I thought it was going to be. And the flight instructor was role playing crazy student pretty much the whole way there (and back) - that was the highlight of the trip. I woke up several times last night thinking about it - what could I have done better...why didn't I do this or that...did I make a plotter error...how did I let myself get suckered by the winds...?

A spiritual take away became apparent during the night. I like heavier airplanes. Light airplanes may represent novice level flying - a spiritual newbie so to speak. Light planes are grittier - more exposed to the elements and the trip I did was representative of beginner level flying - visual references outside the plane - no GPS, no VORs, not even ADF/NDBs (although I was just checking them to see what was up as an outer marker). It was hard...and not pretty. I was saturated to the point of not doing things that I do well - well. When I did boot up the GPS near Charlie - I was surprised to find myself there. I was embarrassed. I thought - well, at least you can rock the landing and taxi to ... and I did. In the FBO I began kicking myself around - like I do. That's not really very productive. The CFI wanted the course flown in reverse so I could maybe figure out where things went wrong and why. I flipped the headings and ended up off course on the same leg on the way home - I could see it happening because I was a lot farther away from the lake than my checkpoint was. In a few minutes I'll get out my nav log and recheck the heading I plotted for that leg. Surely the 2W as opposed to 3W on the isogonic lines didn't make that much difference ... I'm going to figure it out.

Little airplanes have difficulty finding their way. The stuff inside the plane that's there to help - helps quite a bit. Our chief is all about pilotage and dead reckoning and it is fun when you're just playing or challenging yourself, but for a solo student cross country it is almost unthinkable - I think.

Random notes

Stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance


Take Me Home ~Phil Collins (lyrics)

Take that look of worry
I'm an ordinary man
They don't tell me nothing
So I find out what I can
There's a fire that's been burning
Right outside my door
I can't see but I feel it
And it helps to keep me warm
So I, I don't mind
No I, I don't mind

Seems so long I've been waiting
Still don't know what for
There's no point escaping
I don't worry anymore
I can't come out to find you
I don't like to go outside
They can't turn off my feelings
Like they're turning off a light
But I, I don't mind
No I, I don't mind
Oh I, I don't mind
No I, I don't mind

So take, take me home
Cos I don't remember
Take, take me home
Cos I don't remember
Take, take me home
Cos I don't remember
Take, take me home, oh lord
Cos I've been a prisoner all my life
And I can say to you

Take that look of worry, mine's an ordinary life
Working when it's daylight
And sleeping when it's night
I've got no far horizons
I don't wish upon a star
They don't think that I listen
Oh but I know who they are
And I, I don't mind
No I, I don't mind
Oh I, I don't mind
No I, I don't mind

So take, take me home
Cos I don't remember
Take, take me home
Cos I don't remember
Take, take me home
Cos I don't remember
Take, take me home, oh lord
Well I've been a prisoner all my life
And I can say to you

But I don't remember
Take, take me home...

My Give A Damn's Busted ~Jo Dee Mesinna (lyrics)

Lyrics:

(1st verse)

Well you filled up my head,
With so many lies.
Twisted my heart
Til something snapped inside.
I'd like to give it one more try
but my give a damn's busted.

You can crawl back home
say you were wrong,
stand out in the yard
cry all night long.
Well go ahead and water my lawn.
My give a damn's busted.

(chorus)

I really wanna care,
I wanna feel somethin'
Let me dig a little deeper...
Nope...
Sorry...
Nothin'

(2nd verse)

You can say you've got issues.
You can say you're a victim.
It's all your parents fault,
After all you didn't pick em
Well maybe Oprah's got time to listen.
My give a damn's busted.

(*Well let me get this straight now)
Your therapist said
It was all just a phase
A product of the prozac
And your co-dependent ways
So uhh ... who's your enabler these days?
My give a damn's busted.

(chorus)

I really wanna care,
I wanna feel somethin'
Let me dig a little deeper...
Eeh-Eeh

(3rd verse)
(*Oh you're tellin' me)
It's a desperate situation,
No tellin' what you'll do.
If I don't forgive you,
You say your life is through.
Well honey... give me somethin' I can use.
(My give a damn's busted.)
(*Ahh you knew I was gonna say that, didn't ya.)

My give a damn's busted (*ha ha)
My give a damn's busted
Honey trust me
My give a damn's busted yeahhh ...
OOOH
My give a damn's busted yeahhh
(*You wanna do what?)(*ha ha ha ha ha)
My give a damn's busted
(*Get the party started thats what we'll do)
My give a damn's busted
(*I'm not done honey, trust me)
My give a damn's busted
(*Been there, done that)
My give a damn's busted
My give a damn's busted

Recent Quotes from Happiness Project page

"There is no duty we so much underrate as the duty of being happy." --R.L. Stevenson

"Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go." - T.S. Eliot

"Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace and gratitude." - Denis Waitley

"Be kinder than necessary, for everone you meet is fighting some kind of a battle ..." (unknown or James M Berrie)

"Try not. Do, or do not. There is no try," which is Yoda from "The Empire Strikes Back"

"Death isn't sad. The sad thing is: most people don't live at all" - Socrates in The Peaceful Warrior

"Do more than belong, participate. Do more than care, help. Do more than believe, practice. Do more than be fair, be kind. Do more than forgive, forget. Do more than dream, work. ~ W. A. Ward"

"Every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future." ~Oscar Wilde

To laugh often and much;
to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children;
to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends;
to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others;
to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden, or a redeemed social condition;... See More
to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.
This is to have succeeded. ~ not cited

"The answers are never "out there". All the answers are "in there", inside you, waiting to be discovered"...and

"The world is awash in divisions rooted in human compulsion to believe our differences are more important than our humanity" - Pres. Bill Clinton

While my CFI was out this past week, I flew with the Chief some. Honestly, it made me feel a little nervous. But I liked it too. I've been pretty wrapped up on the task of flying and had negected the joy. It was good to just kinda enjoy.

I flew with my instructor on Friday. He said I am a lot closer than I think I am.

Note from what I'm reading right now

Falling Apart in One Piece ~ Stacy Morrison

"Anger hides everything you need to feel to get past the anger."

That resonates. It seems like anger is pretty rampant. Is it the economy...all the uncertainties? I had a friend who died a few years ago. She wasn't the happiest or the most content person I have known, but she was definitely the least angry person I've known... even before the cancer made it's presence known. I loved spending time with her partly because she was so awesome at maintaining her "not angry/not even upset loveliness. Things that would rub me wrong, she laughed at. Situations that narrowed my eyes and flared my ears back, she immediately saw the humor in. When I might lean towards impatience, she unfailing steered towards compassion ... Let's give them the benefit of a doubt (is that the expression?) she'd say just as I was getting my grouchy on! Anger. It has it's place. But it seems clear to me that it's overrated. I've seen it as an indulgence. I've seen it as disabling. I've seen it used to energize, like caffeine. I've seen it blind people who have wrapped themselves up in it. I saw the movie "Invictus" this summer. Nelson Mandela is an example of what " not angry" can accomplish. Anger hides... masks. None of my best moments had anger in them. Most of my worst moments did.

Friday afternoon

"Death isn't sad. The sad thing is: most people don't live at all" - Socrates in The Peaceful Warrior

This was a long week. I am kinda exhausted most of the time...the kind that comes with that almost numb,dull headache. I do not sleep well. I had a bit of a rough week with flight training. Today, my CFI told me the story of someone he cared about who died while an instructor pilot. I can feel the weight of the responsibility that he feels towards training me in to an instructor. He says he believes that I can do this, but I think he wonders why I want to. I want to because this is hard. I like accomplishing difficult things. Flying is a little bit the same and totally different each time you get in the plane. It requires a lot of self discipline. I like that people come to it and become better versions of themselves as they discipline themselves towards it. I like the challenge of flying well. He doesn't like that one thing can go very wrong and can carry fatal consequences. He, like my other really experienced CFI, has seen the story of mistakes...miscalculations...mishaps written in blood. These guys don't know much about the slow creeping death that sends women like me to the tennis courts, shopping malls and extreme yoga adventures. What am I supposed to do with my life? I've pulled a lot of weeds in my garden. They grow back. There's always another fund raiser or club meeting. The same people with the same fabulous ideas show up. The chairperson changes. The jewelry changes. Everything else stays the same. I have found in this exercise towards accomplishing this goal, strength that I didn't know I had. I like it. I like how it shapes me. I like the idea of helping someone else towards who it can help them towards. I like it.

Guess what!?!

I have enough shampoo to wait a while longer!
Yeah - I'm pretty excited about this. I used to hop on an airplane at the end of the summer (tending to my five children) and go somewhere to rest. My somewhere was to the home of my oldest bestest friend. I don't want to get distracted here by airplane stuff but - Love in the Air - love that slogan ... B'ham to Harlingen via NO or Houston...seriously, you can't beat it! I'm a huge fan of SWAirlines. Well - I used to do that when my children were younger (and fewer). Then I started thinking how 'bout just a spa day to look forward to. I like going to a spa by myself. Alone is perfectly okay, blissfully okay, for a day. Then my buddygirl, H, had an idea to go spend the day together...we haven't been able to work that out. Then (she's a genius) she found an Aveda (my favorite stuff) school (--$$$!!!)that sees clients for superduper cheap. She checked it out. She picked up the menu. We've put our heads together. Planning bliss is a lot of fun. Everything was set for this Friday and during the time I've been typing she has txted me - bummer - the services we selected will take too long to fit our window this Friday. Now we're rethinking our date. It's okay - my feet are willing to wait! The one hour revitalizing facial...the hot oil stress relieving scalp massage... . I'm gonna be thinking about it!

nightnight sun - hasta en la manana - maybe


pretty in pink

I just liked this - looked like the hem had been stepped on and was dipping out of this layer of Mother natures stormey dress

system building in the West

The TCUs marched through here last night. I sat up with a smile on my face remembering the lightning flashing in our three o'clock late yesterday afternoon. The big boys were stopping for the fuel they would need to negotiate safe passage with the weather. The frequencies were crowded as they made their adjustments. We started experiencing a bit of turbulence as we approached Jackson Tennessee - our destination for a drop off and quick turn - we wanted to get back home ahead of the red. We did.
Visibility is low today - in the soup. Ground school canceled as instructor is busy with firefighting - I am deciding how to use this windfall of time. Something useful...something worthy...something that moves the ball...hmmm

photo taken yesterday as we hightailed it home ahead of this weather

1358Z 15003 2 200bkn 2100ovc 12/9 2979 Local information for this morning

Reminded of some Poems I've loved

This morning as I finish back reading what is certainly my favorite Blog I was reminded of a favorite poem - by a comment attached to a resonate post - this blog is both beautifully written/illustrated and has an interesting/provocative following of commenters. Good stuff.
I had the good fortune to sit in a class entitled "Great American Poets" while in college. The text book for that class is - it makes me smile - the pages have come loose from the binding - untidy - unlike me exactly like me - Here is the remembered poem and it's contrail...
.

Once Only ~Gary Snyder

almost at the equator

almost at the equinox

exactly at midnight

from a ship

the full

moon

in the center of the sky.

gravityglue

Riprap ~Gary Snyder

Lay down these words

Before your mind like rocks.

placed solid, by hands

In choice of place, set

Before the body of the mind

in space and time:

Solidity of bark, leaf, or wall

riprap of things:

Cobble of milky way,

straying planets,

These poems, people,

lost ponies with

Dragging saddles--

and rocky sure-foot trails.

The worlds like an endless

four-dimensional

Game of Go.

ants and pebbles

In the thin loam, each rock a word

a creek-washed stone

Granite: ingrained

with torment of fire and weight

Crystal and sediment linked hot

all change, in thoughts,

As well as things.

Mending Wall ~Robert Frost

Something there is that doesn't love a wall,

That sends the frozen-ground-swell under it,

And spills the upper boulders in the sun,

And makes gaps even two can pass abreast.

The work of hunters is another thing:

I have come after them and made repair

Where they have left not one stone on a stone,

But they would have the rabbit out of hiding,

To please the yelping dogs. The gaps I mean,

No one has seen them made or heard them made,

But at spring mending-time we find them there.

I let my neighbor know beyond the hill;

And on a day we meet to walk the line

And set the wall between us once again.

We keep the wall between us as we go.

To each the boulders that have fallen to each.

And some are loaves and some so nearly balls

We have to use a spell to make them balance:

'Stay where you are until our backs are turned!'

We wear our fingers rough with handling them.

Oh, just another kind of out-door game,

One on a side. It comes to little more:

There where it is we do not need the wall:

He is all pine and I am apple orchard.

My apple trees will never get across

And eat the cones under his pines, I tell him.

He only says, 'Good fences make good neighbors'.

Spring is the mischief in me, and I wonder

If I could put a notion in his head:

'Why do they make good neighbors? Isn't it

Where there are cows?

But here there are no cows.

Before I built a wall I'd ask to know

What I was walling in or walling out,

And to whom I was like to give offence.

Something there is that doesn't love a wall,

That wants it down.' I could say 'Elves' to him,

But it's not elves exactly, and I'd rather

He said it for himself. I see him there

Bringing a stone grasped firmly by the top

In each hand, like an old-stone savage armed.

He moves in darkness as it seems to me~

Not of woods only and the shade of trees.

He will not go behind his father's saying,

And he likes having thought of it so well

He says again, "Good fences make good neighbors."

i carry your heart with me ~ E. E. Cummings

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling)

i fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

Nothing Gold Can Stay ~Robert Frost

Nature's first green is gold,

Her hardest hue to hold.

Her early leaf's a flower;

But only so an hour.

Then leaf subsides to leaf.

So Eden sank to grief,

So dawn goes down to day.

Nothing gold can stay.

I know why the caged bird sings ~Maya Angelou

A free bird leaps on the back

Of the wind and floats downstream

Till the current ends and dips his wing

In the orange suns rays

And dares to claim the sky.

But a BIRD that stalks down his narrow cage

Can seldom see through his bars of rage

His wings are clipped and his feet are tied

So he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings with a fearful trill

Of things unknown but longed for still

And his tune is heard on the distant hill for

The caged bird sings of freedom.

The free bird thinks of another breeze

And the trade winds soft through

The sighing trees

And the fat worms waiting on a dawn-bright

Lawn and he names the sky his own.

But a caged BIRD stands on the grave of dreams

His shadow shouts on a nightmare scream

His wings are clipped and his feet are tied

So he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings with

A fearful trill of things unknown

But longed for still and his

Tune is heard on the distant hill

For the caged bird sings of freedom.

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