feeling vulnerable

I have the opportunity to not fret. Last night I dreamed two really high anxiety dreams - in one I was sitting in an instructors meeting with no shirt on. I haven't had that dream since college. - It's about feeling vulnerable, exposed. I don't like to really really want things ... I don't like things to matter a lot. Finishing this matters a lot. Working on this means a lot.
Not being able to fly lately because my instructor is doing what he alone can do for the flight school (I get it) is making me feel like I am not moving the ball forward. This gives me an opportunity to practice some self discipline. When I feel vulnerable I don't always act appropriately - I go into make myself feel better mode - better means safer. Safer means make this not matter.
Last summer my flight instructor left. It was known that he would time out and leave. I really liked working with him. That mattered to me. I thought a good compromise would be for him to do my sign off but that didn't work out. I blasted him to make myself fell less exposed. I felt too vulnerable. I wanted it not to matter. I didn't think (if I thought at all) it would make him feel bad because he was such a badass but maybe it did. It made me feel really bad. He hasn't talked to me since then and I don't blame him. That leaves that mess openned for me ... it's a wound ... self inflicted but I haven't been able to make it all better. I did something to look out for myself and I ended up doing damage. More importantly, I said something hateful to hurt someone I cared about. I was overextended on the load and something minor flipped my switch. If I had a wish it would be to take that back. That certainly serves as a reminder to admit to myself that some of this stuff is important to me and that I shouldn't minimize that - disrespect that, diminishthat, dismiss that. Dismissing doesn't make it better it actually makes it worse. I feel that scared feeling now. I'm trying to trust. I am stupid enough to hurt myself, but I think I am decent enough to care about not hurting others. It broke my heart last time I did that.
This break - this year, a year later, gives me the opportunity to unload a little by doing some of the things that are neglected in favor of flying. Things left undone that press in on me. And relationships that are strained that need attention that press on me as well. I talked to S, my FI, yesterday - he said sorry, but we're on hold for another few weeks. Honestly, I need the time, but I feel that cold fear swirling around me too ... will I finish? ... will this be lost to me? ... will I be sitting inside looking out to where I want to be? I am a fraidy cat!

Reflections on Trust -
http://http//betweentheradials.blogspot.com/2010/05/reflections-on-trust_04.htm

The other aspect of that dream was that the CFIs left the meeting to go outside for some team building exercises - fun and games. I sat inside looking out through the window. They were encouraging me to come outside, but I couldn't.