That post titled "dreams are like shadows sorta" - I've been thinking about that a little bit. Again, back to the trust thing. I am feeling a lot better about trusting God. I've noticed as I read over some of my posts I have said,"He didn't look like someone I would trust", and I'm not sure what someone I would trust looks like ... . I think it's been pretty cool to just go ahead and trust. This FI I work with now intentionally (I think) scared me when we first started working together ... I think he needed to see what he was working with. He has had friends die in airplane accidents. The truth is, as safe as I feel in my airplane, it is still possible for things to go wrong. I remember saying to this FI out loud, "I trust you." And I didn't really want to, but I chose to. I amazed myself with that.
The favorite CFI I didn't decide to trust ... something almost insignificant occurred and trust just dropped in to place. Before each lesson with him I would ask God to help me keep on trusting him (the CFI). The flying part of trusting him was just about the amazing opportunity that I had to work with an instructor of that caliber. You know when a gift like that falls near by you just gotta smile, say thanks, and go with it. I wanted to stay in that place where I didn't question or spend learning energy trying to take care of my ego. I wanted to feel safe to be vulnerable about something that was important to me that he could help me make better. During one lesson I didn't understand what he was trying to get me to see or learn and maybe it didn't even have anything to do with me - I still don't get it, but I don't worry about it. I think he saw that it hurt my feelings and I think I saw his version of an apology - which I accepted. I did feel humiliated because I got a bit of a dressing down in front of several people ... and I think that was about the other aspect of this trust thing. I think that slap down came out of the blue and was confusing for me. The fact that it felt humiliating made it more personal than the actual event was or should have been. It was a arrow shot too true ... it went right into that spot. I don't think that was his intent. The learning point there came later and it was I don't get it ... that brand of pain was familiar, but I am certain that whatever was going on, it wasn't about jabbing my wound (like it did). Additionally, there was a major set back in my personal life at that same time. Something that hurt my heart happened. I'm working on trust as hard and brave as I can over here where I can see it. Over here where I can see it, something looks wrong ... does that mean I was wrong about trust here? I had to ask myself that and work out the answer. Where my heart hurt ... it is what it is ... everywhere you go in life it seems that you take the good with the bad. And I am learning that it's okay to just try to "grow" what's good rather than spending a lot of time trying to eliminate what's not. My friend, H, said to get an amazing lawn you don't kill the weeds. Instead you water and feed the grass. Healthy grass chokes out the weeds. Maybe that is right.
During that time - it was pretty overwhelming for me. I had to let go of how I hoped things could be ... things aren't going to be that way. It turned out that I didn't stop trusting an honorable person and that has given me the ability to reach towards trusting an honorable God. I am praying everyday that God will just help me to trust Him. That adventuring soul thing ... trusting God makes the adventure - more.