Elijah is not all I remember it to be. Yes, that one movement is amazing, perfect. But like so many things it's a lot of work to get there - the short cut is tempting. Until last night, I hadn't listened to it since 1980.

My high school had a multi-class reunion at the beach last week. I didn't go and neither did my brother. There were around 500 kids in my graduating class. I participated in almost everything and knew almost everyone. The photos are appearing online. I recognize the names, but if they weren't tagged I'd never be able to put names and faces together. How many stories do I remember from the 1970s? Seems like I want to forget 1975 to 1980. I have tons of memories from the 80s when I married and began my career. I liked being out if school. I liked choosing china. I liked beginning my own home. I was such a horrible cook! Many evenings the highlight, the only highlight, was the table setting. We ate out a lot. Happy hours featured wonderful appetizer buffets in the metroplex. I enjoyed working too. I thrived on the competive environment of commercial furniture sales - it was hard work but I enjoyed it. Steelcase provided my first ride in a small jet. It was really cool. I couldn't believe how huge the Great Lakes were ... In Texas we would probably call that the gulf ... "The Gulf of Canada". The jet was seven passenger jet and I sat near the door facing forward where I could see into the flight deck. There was a digital readout in front of me displaying altitude and I think OAT. Pretty soon after cruise the FO climbed out and asked me if I wanted to sit in his
seat Boy, did I! But I declined. High heels and pencil skirts ... Thursday nights in college watching pilots party at the Lowes Anatole club in Dallas ( how did I know they were pilots? Haha frequently they were still in uniform) ... I wanted to but it seemed inappropriate to accept the offer of a seat change. Jets are cool wherever you're sitting.
I don't want to get lost rambling on about my memories. What I'm thinking about is I have memories. Lots of memories. My brother is 21 mnts younger. My first memories are from around the time of his birth. I stopped remembering well in the mid 70s. Those five years don't hold many memories - the memories weren't good ones so I stowed them way back in sepia tones. I didn't party my way through college ... Thurs after the weekly rehersal was party night. I worked three sometimes four different jobs. I made my rent money with my singing gigs. Shampoo and utilities with my Arts Council job. Food and textbooks came out of the waitressing job - Friday and Saturday nights and sometimes Saturday lunch - that was a hangout for the Carswell guys and they were great tippers. Sometimes little jobs would pop up and I was always on the look out ... I earned my drinks money at the backgammon table - betting. I played well. I did burn the candle at both ends. My husband doesn't remember things - events - well. I say he is present in most of my good memories. It seems sad that he can't remember much of his life including our life together. Today I asked him " how do you know you love me when you can't remember our moments?". He said he just knows. Memory would seem to support mutuality I think. On the other hand, I speak English. I don't remember learning it and the unfortunate truth is I often speak without thinking (remembering). I am looking forward to relearning Spanish because it slows me down and maybe I choose my words more carefully. I am working on intentional. Remember? In the moment or atleast the day - intentional.

I have liked writing these notes to myself as a means of thinking about a few topics. It's been helpful for keeping me on task. The down side is I mostly record thoughts on areas I need to see improve. I don't write about what wonderful things I get to see everyday.

Today. Wonderful satisifying coffee. I worked with Two on her project- she valued my contribution. I cleaned half of my pantry - everything out including the shelving and bleach water on the walls and everything got wiped off on the way back in. It looks marvelous. I thought about my mom. She was an excellent house cleaner. She taught me well and every once in a while I slow down enough to let it catch up with me. I drove a scooter today all by myself and I laughed as the wind blew my hair around. I remembered how much I used to enjoy sailing. It felt similar. I flew an airplane today. I shook up a martini and poured it all icecrystally into a
beautiful glass for my husband. The dinner I made was a big success. I learned something about myself when I reread my blog. I saw why I want to teach a few people how to fly. I'll write about that later maybe. For the most part I have a very fortunate life. I going to nap now. That's lovely. And before ten tonight I'm going to drive my daughter to her place bc her clutch is out. I will like doing that.

Note added 16 August 2011 ->
“Sooner or Later”
anonymous

“Sooner or later we begin to understand that love is more than verses on valentines, and romance in the movies. We begin to know that love is here and now, real and true, the most important thing in our lives. For love is the creator of our favorite memories, and the foundation of our fondest dreams. Love is a promise that is always kept, a fortune that can never be spent, a seed that can flourish in even the most unlikely of places. And this radiance that never fades, this mysterious and magical joy, is the greatest treasure of all -- one known only by those who love."

Of course I thought of this note when I read the words of anonymous today. I never really thought love was about valentines or sentimental movies ... My sweetheart doesn't remember ... He doesn't celebrate St. Valentine's day. Love. What is it ... Did love create my favorite memories? What happens when promises are broken ... Does love come undone? Is it mysterious and magical? I don't know. I'm really thinking about it. It's complicated ... and that is troublesome ... seems like it might be as necessary and natural as the very air we breathe.