Love Language notes from August 2010

My husband and oldest son are off in pursuit of something Andrew Ellicott. They're going to Baton Rouge They'll be back late Wednesday. I'm glad my son is going. It's not his thing, but a break will be good for him. He's waiting to hear back from the Navy. Military downsizing has him concerned.

In Sunday school we have been watching a video series titled "The Five Love Languages" (Gary Chapman). It is amazing how differently people communicate and "hear" love. You would think that married couples had this whole thing pretty well figured out. My husband says I am very complicated and I sometimes sense him studying me - like a science project. I don't like that feeling. I think I am extremely uncomplicated - simple really.

We took the quiz - the love language quiz.
A.Words of Affirmation- L5,D6
B.Quality Time - L12,D8
C.Receiving Gifts - L0,D6
D.Acts of Service - L8,D5
E.Physical Touch - L5,D5

The quiz is set up with thirty question like this: 1 I like to receive notes of affirmation from my spouse (A) or I like it when my spouse hugs me (E). You work through the thirty choosing this more than that. I bet it would render different results if each question made all five choices available. My sample is weighted pretty evenly with Quality Time pulling slightly out front.

According to the author:
Words of Affirmation = "One way to express love emotionally is to use words that build up. Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. Proverbs 12:18 Encouragement requires empathy and seeing the world from your spouses perspective. When you make a request of your spouse, you are affirming his or her worth and abilities."

Quality time = "Togetherness has to do with focused attention. Quality conversation means sympathetic dialogue where two individuals are sharing their experiences, thoughts, feelings, and desires in a friendly, uninterrupted context."

Receiving Gifts = "Gifts are visual symbols of love. If the willingness is there, the gift is acceptable according to what one has, not according to what he does not have. I Corinthians 8:12 The worth of gifts has nothing to do with monetary value and everything to do with love. Physical presence in the time of crisis is the most powerful gift you can give if your spouse's primary love language is receiving gifts."

Acts of Service = "Sometimes doing simple chores around the house can be an undeniable expression of love." He suggests we make a list of items and rate their importance to us so that the act of service is actually what the receiver values. "The spouse who performs acts of service out of fear, guilt, and resentment understands clearly that these are not expressions of love. A doormat is an inanimate object. No person should ever be a doormat. Allowing oneself to be used or manipulated by another is not an act of love. You are allowing him or her to develop inhumane habits. Love says, I love you too much to let you treat me this way. It is not good for you or me."

Physical Touch = "...Physical touch is a way of communicating emotional love. Babies who are held, hugged, and kissed develop a healthier emotional life then those who are left for long periods of time without physical contact. Physical touch is also a powerful vehicle for communicating marital love. Whatever there is of me resides in my body. To touch my body is to touch me."

While I scored pretty evenly across the spectrum Quality Time was just a tad more important to me. That's probably true. I am sure that it is the most guarded of the expressions of love that I give. I really see time as limited and precious. When I share time with someone I see that as a big deal. There are so many cool things, so many necessary things, so many wonderful things - there's a lot to do and it all takes time. One of the most memorable things about my husband when we were dating was that he was always on time. He's been very reliable about time in the thirty years that we've been married. I really appreciate that. I remember a lesson learned when I worked with one flight instructor who routinely rearranged my flight lessons for some unknown reasons. It wasn't a huge problem but it was somewhat difficult for me because of my many time commitments. Our work together ended when he “blew off” one training appointment too many. Quality time is important to me.

Words of Affirmation and Receiving Gifts are next for me. Yeah - I think it is super important to speak politely and encouragingly ... to be caring. When I get exasperated or overwhelmed, mean talk is my first line of defense or offense. It always makes me feel horrible when
 I cool down. Mean talk just tears people down. That never makes anyone stronger or better. Nobody wins. I am getting a lot better at not talking or acting in a hurtful way.
Next gifts - I like to give gifts ... I like to spend a bit of time thinking about what someone would especially like. I'm big on thank you notes and thank you gifts. As far as receiving gifts - that makes me uncomfortable unless it's Christmas or my birthday.
The gift of physical presence seems super special to me, but hard to accept. I can see that trusting someone to be there for me is pretty difficult. I don't like to feel vulnerable and I keep that from happening whenever possible. My dysfunctional up bringing didn't support counting on others. My husband tends to be emotionally unavailable in stressful times. He would help me out if I ran out of gas, but anything really stressful would be iffy. I would hate to be in a crisis situation ... I'm not sure I have the people to help me through that. I am secretly afraid of dealing with cancer. I think I'd have to do that pretty much on my own.

Acts of Service and Physical Touch where tied and just barely less important then the other love languages. I like doing things for people and I like touching people.
I see all of these "languages" as closely related ... maybe even not separate at all. I think love is a choice.
Tiny tiny tiny written on the inside of my wrist - protecttrusthopepersevere-love. I started writing it there in August last year. I write it there to remind myself that I am making choices. Even on days when I am stressed out I am making choices. This year I've been learning that I wasn't built to carry my own load. I simply wasn't designed with the lifting capacity. I wouldn't intentionally over load anyone or anything else.

The Message translation of Matthew 11:28-30 follows:

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”

Jesus demonstrated fluency in these so called love languages. I Corinthians 13 is a description of that love.

Zinnias remind me of simpler times. 

Both of my parents were pretty serious gardeners, grandparents too. You couldn’t make a visit to my dad’s parents and not leave with some jelly and “put up” veggies that young DeAnn had no clue how to use in the kitchen. I was good about returning the jars ... .

Zinnias. I have the vaguest memory of planning a zinnia seed as a child ... probably a school activity. Later, after I married, we planted a row of crepe myrtles,  5-7,  I can’t recall,  and zinnias seeds were scattered thickly underneath. They came in so dense that you couldn’t see the ground and we had colorful cut flowers enough to share. I like zinnias. 

We are just back from a road trip up to see Three and the first woman he has wanted us to meet. I have not been so immediately at ease with a person since before my childhood ended, when ever that was. The affinity was so natural that I didn’t even notice it happening. (Can you even believe it? In retrospect I’m amazed, delighted and about 10% alarmed. I wasn’t disarmed, the caution systems were completely on mute, that’s what’s weird.) What’s, maybe not even more remarkable, but kinda miraculous on its own, is that my husband instantly liked her too. If you knew him, you’d agree with my choice of “miraculous”. 

Most of the way south through New Mexico I thought about how he answered me when I asked him “do you know why you liked her?”  

He said,  “She is like you before ...”. That’s it, nothing after before. He can see a before and after, but not the after what. His prodigious skill set would have trouble selecting adjectives to describe what “like me” means even though he has studied me (approaching year of the ruby) with an intensity level that only those on spectrum can generate. Before what, before when ... I wondered. I didn’t follow up. 

I think we both noticed essentially the same thing.  He was remembering me at 20 something standing next to me at sixty something. The answer to before what is before life events, before when ... before when I became more cautious... before ... when I was so naive. Not that I’m all jaded now. I have been described as gullible, trusting would be another word. That’s harder for me now. But not as difficult as it has been ... I’m learning. 

Back even further back then my twenties. I sometimes remember myself way back when ... earliest versions of "before". 

Life is a process of transformational events, not all of them pleasant. 

(I like that we get to choose some of them.)

I wonder what life would be like if mankind were clothed by innocence. 

While out on this trip we spent sometime in conversation with a seventy something guy who said he was a SEAL before his time serving at the Pentagon. He just felt like chatting. His presenting “wound” seemed to be caused by an inability to protect “innocents”. I have the impression that he has seen stuff and ... the stillness that accompanies aging probably triggers PTSD. Life is easier when you can compartmentalize. 

These two YouTube videos/ Evian (pure water) ads came to me back to back today. 

. 

2020 may be remembered as the year “before” in the life of our country. The nostalgia for before is present in society at large. I see it creeping in along with a gradual awareness that lies are being perpetrated by people in positions perceived previously as positions of trust. What happens next? 

People seem to be getting in the mood to feel like victims in some of the places we visited between here and Denver ... in other places I saw a lot of "hell no".  Time will tell.

~zinnias snapped early today with my iPhone

Trips to the dogpark have been the one “daily” outing during “THIS”, lol, can barely wait to see what this really is all about.
So far, I’m experiencing “it” as about controversy.
Writing about it is a little weird, I know people are hurting bad during this having experienced losses ranging from loss of loved ones, lost finances, lost confidence in available information, loss of perceived pluses” whatever they are for you ... the Country seems to enter the anger part of the grieving process.

The five stages of grief are:

• denial.
• anger.
• bargaining.
• depression.
• acceptance.

What’s next, I wonder.

Right after I wrote my last note here, I fell at the dog park.
On downward sloping terrain my right foot found a rock jutting up, but hidden, in a clump of clover. My left foot was already up mid stride when an alternate landing became necessary. Fortunately, my husband was able to grab one of my flailing arms so I never really hit the ground. That would have been bad (plus, dog park).
The pain was sudden and flipped a switch in me that child-birthing epidurals must have put the chill on. I was overly firm whilst rejecting help from the first responder, a stranger who had entered the park just before us with two smallish dogs. She looks like a new Veteran or a professional athlete, like a volleyball coach at the local University. Anyway, I was unkind. It bothers me because I haven’t seen her since, but she probably gets it.
No question which way I go when the primal fight or flight thing happens.
Cracked left tibia with deep bone bruising. I’ve already done my three week check up and no follow up is required. Dr. said use the knee brace for another three weeks and the cane when you’re going to be “hiking”.  

So, what’s it like to have a walking stick like Henry’s?
I like it. It does help with the not smooth areas  on our laps out at the dogpark (five acres - it was a pecan orchard and about 1/3 of those trees remain). And it's fun to poke and point at things with it.
This is the fun of it - Henry is known (and apparently adored) by the dogs at least partly because he has a “cookie” for them when they come up and ask. They seem to recognize Henry from a distance (I hadn’t observed that) because of the cane and make a bee line to him with expectations sparkling their eyes. It is so sad but mostly funny when they see me. Somehow they know I don’t have “the stuff”.  I can see the recognition/acceptance in their eyes right before glancing hopefully at my husband, who looks a lot like a younger taller Henry. Nope, he’s lame too is the vibe they project shooting off as fast as they came. 

I am truly sensitive to the people who are grieving their losses during this time. 

That said, I sat down (from gardening) to write a note to my kids because I know they’ll read this later.

Life is good here. I feel very fortunate. 

We are well.