The way to love someone
is to lightly run your finger over that person's soul
until you find a crack,
and then gently pour your love into that crack.
~Keith Miller

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Elijah is not all I remember it to be. Yes, that one movement is amazing, perfect. But like so many things it's a lot of work to get there - the short cut is tempting. Until last night, I hadn't listened to it since 1980.

My high school had a multi-class reunion at the beach last week. I didn't go and neither did my brother. There were around 500 kids in my graduating class. I participated in almost everything and knew almost everyone. The photos are appearing online. I recognize the names, but if they weren't tagged I'd never be able to put names and faces together. How many stories do I remember from the 1970s? Seems like I want to forget 1975 to 1980. I have tons of memories from the 80s when I married and began my career. I liked being out if school. I liked choosing china. I liked beginning my own home. I was such a horrible cook! Many evenings the highlight, the only highlight, was the table setting. We ate out a lot. Happy hours featured wonderful appetizer buffets in the metroplex. I enjoyed working too. I thrived on the competive environment of commercial furniture sales - it was hard work but I enjoyed it. Steelcase provided my first ride in a small jet. It was really cool. I couldn't believe how huge the Great Lakes were ... In Texas we would probably call that the gulf ... "The Gulf of Canada". The jet was seven passenger jet and I sat near the door facing forward where I could see into the flight deck. There was a digital readout in front of me displaying altitude and I think OAT. Pretty soon after cruise the FO climbed out and asked me if I wanted to sit in his
seat Boy, did I! But I declined. High heels and pencil skirts ... Thursday nights in college watching pilots party at the Lowes Anatole club in Dallas ( how did I know they were pilots? Haha frequently they were still in uniform) ... I wanted to but it seemed inappropriate to accept the offer of a seat change. Jets are cool wherever you're sitting.
I don't want to get lost rambling on about my memories. What I'm thinking about is I have memories. Lots of memories. My brother is 21 mnts younger. My first memories are from around the time of his birth. I stopped remembering well in the mid 70s. Those five years don't hold many memories - the memories weren't good ones so I stowed them way back in sepia tones. I didn't party my way through college ... Thurs after the weekly rehersal was party night. I worked three sometimes four different jobs. I made my rent money with my singing gigs. Shampoo and utilities with my Arts Council job. Food and textbooks came out of the waitressing job - Friday and Saturday nights and sometimes Saturday lunch - that was a hangout for the Carswell guys and they were great tippers. Sometimes little jobs would pop up and I was always on the look out ... I earned my drinks money at the backgammon table - betting. I played well. I did burn the candle at both ends. My husband doesn't remember things - events - well. I say he is present in most of my good memories. It seems sad that he can't remember much of his life including our life together. Today I asked him " how do you know you love me when you can't remember our moments?". He said he just knows. Memory would seem to support mutuality I think. On the other hand, I speak English. I don't remember learning it and the unfortunate truth is I often speak without thinking (remembering). I am looking forward to relearning Spanish because it slows me down and maybe I choose my words more carefully. I am working on intentional. Remember? In the moment or atleast the day - intentional.

I have liked writing these notes to myself as a means of thinking about a few topics. It's been helpful for keeping me on task. The down side is I mostly record thoughts on areas I need to see improve. I don't write about what wonderful things I get to see everyday.

Today. Wonderful satisifying coffee. I worked with Two on her project- she valued my contribution. I cleaned half of my pantry - everything out including the shelving and bleach water on the walls and everything got wiped off on the way back in. It looks marvelous. I thought about my mom. She was an excellent house cleaner. She taught me well and every once in a while I slow down enough to let it catch up with me. I drove a scooter today all by myself and I laughed as the wind blew my hair around. I remembered how much I used to enjoy sailing. It felt similar. I flew an airplane today. I shook up a martini and poured it all icecrystally into a
beautiful glass for my husband. The dinner I made was a big success. I learned something about myself when I reread my blog. I saw why I want to teach a few people how to fly. I'll write about that later maybe. For the most part I have a very fortunate life. I going to nap now. That's lovely. And before ten tonight I'm going to drive my daughter to her place bc her clutch is out. I will like doing that.

Note added 16 August 2011 ->
“Sooner or Later”

“Sooner or later we begin to understand that love is more than verses on valentines, and romance in the movies. We begin to know that love is here and now, real and true, the most important thing in our lives. For love is the creator of our favorite memories, and the foundation of our fondest dreams. Love is a promise that is always kept, a fortune that can never be spent, a seed that can flourish in even the most unlikely of places. And this radiance that never fades, this mysterious and magical joy, is the greatest treasure of all -- one known only by those who love."

Of course I thought of this note when I read the words of anonymous today. I never really thought love was about valentines or sentimental movies ... My sweetheart doesn't remember ... He doesn't celebrate St. Valentine's day. Love. What is it ... Did love create my favorite memories? What happens when promises are broken ... Does love come undone? Is it mysterious and magical? I don't know. I'm really thinking about it. It's complicated ... and that is troublesome ... seems like it might be as necessary and natural as the very air we breathe.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

The winds of change and circumstance
Blow in and all around us
So we find a foothold that's familiar
And bless the moments that we feel you nearer

~Lyrics Woven and Spun "I AM" ~Nichole Nordeman

When I first heard this song I liked it. I thought she did a sweet job of tracking a person's life and spiritual development from child to grave ... Later this stanza became meaningful.
Women have similar journeys - generational similarities I should say. I notice as I get reacquainted with old (really old) classmates that our lives are notably alike. We all came out of the same shoot and for the most part ran our race down the same track with minor diversions here, here, and there.
We all experience the winds of change and circumstance that blow in ... and all around us. Some people are more adapt at paying attention to the wind. That's because they believe there is a penalty for inattention. Likely one that they have paid. Hmmm. But living comes with weather, doesn't it?

I used to teach art for a friend to the pre-schoolers in her program. I liked the kids. I loved seeing them with their first time experiences ... many had never ever held scissors (blunt tip of course) ... as rare, where those who had ever painted with a a brush ... or been allowed to glue or staple or tear. It was both heartbreaking and joyful to sit with them and create. Sometimes their mommies would chide me (uhh ooh) for allowing their show dog ... ummm child ... to get a dab of this or that on their little smocked play wear. They reminded me of my momma. I would say - I am here on Wednesday's ... life will be messy on those days, dress them with that expectation or keep them home. The women here are stunned when people they believe are serving them make eye contact and statements like that. Art day became wildly successful. I would sit on a tiny chair beside a child and watch the wonder infuse their being as they became creators. It was magical. Their mommas loved their work, they loved that their mommas loved their work, and I loved the joy and wonder, but I felt like their mommas were missing something very precious. I felt like their mommas missed the sights I saw from that tiny chair and I would encourage them to risk a spill or two at their breakfast table. The children made some truly amazing things. I had forgotten those moments.
And I have forgotten why I wrote about that. Oh - I see it - "life is messy - dress for it" and also the notion of inattention, sometimes we gain something by paying attention, and sometimes we keep from paying something because of we are paying attention. Sometimes we get dinged but I think more often we miss the wonder and the joy. I take pictures - I like to put the camera where a child's eyes would be before I click because I think children look at things more closely. They routinely see things we miss.

Those lyrics are strumming through me this morning. And so we find a foothold that's familiar. And I am thinking about what is familiar to me when the chaos swirls around me. As I said yesterday - I used to pull out my stuff and begin to de-construct, - a nice way of saying break stuff - (not literally and yes literally ... I would not break a mug (yes I have - a long time ago ... and an iron), but I would bend a feeling - break a heart - or at least poke at one). I would protect myself. I am a survivor. Along the way I have picked up a few people who I tend to place before me. But when the chaos swirls sometimes I react, and that's not always lovingly.
I didn't realize that I was hurting God with that kind of s e l f ish behavior. I've been learning that just this past year. I've been learning to trust him to protect me during fretful times. I've been learning to rest in the cleft of the rock. I can hear the orchestra playing Mendelssohn's Elijah...Basses - And yet the Lord was not in the earthquake ...sopranos - and onward came the storm ... and later ... solo - and in a still voice onward came the Lord. Now that's music that speaks to your soul! (Next up on the iPod ... and when bought The Messiah and began listenning to it I realized that I was mistaken - Elijah is the ticket. It's loading now. I haven't regularly listenned to this great music in years, but now that it's in my ear again, I can't believe I let it go!) I've been learning to be quiet and wait for that still, small voice. I've been learning to make that the foothold that's familiar.

The picture I chose for today - a tie down ring at Ft. Morgan. It's been there a while. It's anchored in the walls of a fortress. It's exposed to the elements, and I like that it served it's purpose. I like that it stayed where it was supposed to stay when the winds of war (and the coastal breezes) blew.

I've been learning to bless the moments that I feel Him nearer. I've been learning.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010


Slept well. I stayed up til oneish - late for me, but slept til five - four straight hours is good. I made myself not fret about stuff when I woke up and soon I was back asleep. Woke at six and told myself to snuggle in, that time I slept til almost eight. I have a class at 1:00 and I've been offered an observation flight. My enthusiam is low - for me. That's okay. Where enthusiam ends resolve takes over. That is one of my favorite things about me. I finish what I start. When things become difficult I get busy finding a way. Sometimes, "it" takes longer ...and I have learned this year that somethings are simply no gos and you gotta recognize that when you see it. Like that broken jar of peaches - I can't put glass shards back into a useful jar shape ... the peaches are lost ... somethings can't be undone. This flight training stuff isn't that kind of thing. My father in law had a rock tumbler - you'd toss a clod shaped chunk in and later a polished stone would come out. I guess I was more of a clod then I suspected! I felt like God said yes to this use of my time when I asked him. My husband did too. Last night my husband helped me remember that. He also suggested that those dreams I'm remembering may be about trust. His take:
I'm on a journey and things go from good/normal to confusing/outside my control. In the dreams I conclude that I am - unable. In both dreams I decide to wait - patiently.
That's not my usual path through adversity. Usually I feel between the proverbial rock and hard place and I pull out a pick and hammer and start the demo ... or ... that type of destructive behavior. It's pretty amazing to see that I am thinking before freaking. That's pretty good - better. It's kinda amusing that I am almost too exhausted by this trek to do anything but just patiently wait. All that noise spooling up - all that chaos out at the flight school - all those hurdles popping up ... It's going to be okay.
Last night I dreamed I was talking to some friends after my check ride. It went fine. I said no problem - it was easy ... the check pilot reminded me of my favorite CFI.

Monday, July 26, 2010

loop dream

The other anxiety dream I had last night was very confusing.
I asked the guys today if they think a King Air can do a loop. One of my guys says that's just a 1.5g maneuver ... I was wondering if they have enough power not structural strength. I have flown loops in a T6. I liked it. I actually loved that plane, but this isn't about that.

The dream started with a low fast track over a country road. I was left seat and another pilot (the flying pilot at this time) was in the right seat. He was familiar with the plane, but I was first time in - the flight felt like an orientation flight or maybe an interview. He asked me for a piece of info and I looked overhead where I expected the gauge to be - it wasn't there and he roughly tapped - impatiently tapped- on the glass face indicating where to look. It didn't bother me but I took note - it taught me a little about what to expect the rest of the ride to be like. I looked outside at the ground and guessed our agl at about 500 feet and we were moving along rather briskly. I thought something like "What is he doing?" It felt odd, but not alarmingly so. Next thing I know he has pulled up into a loop ... totally unexpected by me. I thought in the dream how high can we get before this thing stalls ... I could feel the gs then almost immediately we were on the other side of the loop. I observed that he had positive control and seemed very comfortably with what he was doing. Things seemed weird, but okay. In the next nanosecond I looked outside and saw/felt the ground coming at us fast and I thought; now I die. This is how it feels right before you die. I scooted towards the other person as close as the seatbelt would allow just like used to do in early flight training when I was unsure and I smiled to myself thinking about how long the distance past that sweet memory had traveled from. I felt calm. Then he leveled out - about 500 ft agl. I realized that he was measuring the margin he wanted - before - when I was wondering what he was doing. "Your controls." he said. Thank you Jesus I thought. I flew the plane to where we were going - it was a country strip with a charming little restaurant near by. The props were barely stopped when he jumped out of the plane and I saw him run off towards a restaurant. He was gesturing for me to hurry up and I was thinking - Man, I like to button up the plane before I step away ... should I close it up? I stared out jogging towards him, but he just sped up and I thought this guy is really fast - too fast for me to catch up with. I saw him leap up the steps to the porch of the restaurant as I lagged behind ... and I thought if this is part of the job I'm going to have to get into better shape! When I got in I told the hostess to seat me with the guy who had just come in. She hadn't seated him or seen him and told me she'd walk me through the rooms looking for him. We couldn't find him. There were a lot of people there - dining - and I thought it amazing that so many people show up out here for lunch... it was like an old farm house set up as a home style restaurant. It was pretty, lovely really, and unexpected. The windows had lovely old lace curtains. I walked over to one of them for a closer look and I saw the pilot out there at a bit of a distance walking along maybe a canal edge ... some sort of rise near the water. I felt a little exasperated with him. It seemed like a wild goose chase to me and it seemed like I was clueless as to what and why. I asked for a table and a pitcher of lemonade. I decided to sit and wait.

That was the end of the dream. I have no clue what it means and doubt that it means anything. I felt confused and almost annoyed during the dream. As for the loop - I don't know enough to know if a loop was possible in that plane, it hauled in the dream. He explained to me that that was a demonstration of the plane's capabilities. He said I didn't have to handle it with kid gloves. I am hoping to sleep well tonight.

21 May 2011 I added to this note:
Now, I know that this airplane was symbolic of me ... I can "haul" ... Loops are not a problem. I was sitting in that seat, but I needed a little refresher on ... my capabilities. Almost a year later ... I'm starting to get it. And that question about monitoring a vital piece of systems type info ... I should know where to look for that type indication about myself ... I should be all about monitoring my stuff. I've been redlining some stuff ... And looking elsewhere to see if all is well ... Duh. My dream knew. Still putting 2+2 together here, but it'll eventually make complete sense I bet.

feeling vulnerable

I have the opportunity to not fret. Last night I dreamed two really high anxiety dreams - in one I was sitting in an instructors meeting with no shirt on. I haven't had that dream since college. - It's about feeling vulnerable, exposed. I don't like to really really want things ... I don't like things to matter a lot. Finishing this matters a lot. Working on this means a lot.
Not being able to fly lately because my instructor is doing what he alone can do for the flight school (I get it) is making me feel like I am not moving the ball forward. This gives me an opportunity to practice some self discipline. When I feel vulnerable I don't always act appropriately - I go into make myself feel better mode - better means safer. Safer means make this not matter.
Last summer my flight instructor left. It was known that he would time out and leave. I really liked working with him. That mattered to me. I thought a good compromise would be for him to do my sign off but that didn't work out. I blasted him to make myself fell less exposed. I felt too vulnerable. I wanted it not to matter. I didn't think (if I thought at all) it would make him feel bad because he was such a badass but maybe it did. It made me feel really bad. He hasn't talked to me since then and I don't blame him. That leaves that mess openned for me ... it's a wound ... self inflicted but I haven't been able to make it all better. I did something to look out for myself and I ended up doing damage. More importantly, I said something hateful to hurt someone I cared about. I was overextended on the load and something minor flipped my switch. If I had a wish it would be to take that back. That certainly serves as a reminder to admit to myself that some of this stuff is important to me and that I shouldn't minimize that - disrespect that, diminishthat, dismiss that. Dismissing doesn't make it better it actually makes it worse. I feel that scared feeling now. I'm trying to trust. I am stupid enough to hurt myself, but I think I am decent enough to care about not hurting others. It broke my heart last time I did that.
This break - this year, a year later, gives me the opportunity to unload a little by doing some of the things that are neglected in favor of flying. Things left undone that press in on me. And relationships that are strained that need attention that press on me as well. I talked to S, my FI, yesterday - he said sorry, but we're on hold for another few weeks. Honestly, I need the time, but I feel that cold fear swirling around me too ... will I finish? ... will this be lost to me? ... will I be sitting inside looking out to where I want to be? I am a fraidy cat!

Reflections on Trust -

The other aspect of that dream was that the CFIs left the meeting to go outside for some team building exercises - fun and games. I sat inside looking out through the window. They were encouraging me to come outside, but I couldn't.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

I love to flip the album covers on my iPod app...choosing a song to hear again. Don't you wish you could hear all your favorite words...phrases...stories over and over again. What would you choose to replay? Who would you hear. Words as simple as what'sup DeAnn? can tighten my eyes and bring a small smile. The last thing my dad said to me wasn't I love you ... he said "I'll see you when you get home." I knew what he meant, but I thought he was wrong ... I though I'd see him again. Yesterday my husband bought a superduper ice cream maker. It's the summer ripe peaches calling out to me ... making me sigh. It's the people ... all of them who come and go ... their words whisper through my soul reminding me that they were near and now are not. I am thankful for those sweet memories and for the people who I love and can still enjoy sharing time with.

Yesterday was a lovely day because my husband made it so. We drove to Atlanta. I was a little girl in Houston and choose DFW for college. I like cities. I like to see everyone. Allatonce! I like looking at the stuff people put on their cars and then looking at them - quickly - not staring! I like to see if they look like who they say they are. I saw a Simper Fi sticker on an SUV with "Obama" and "US Coastguard". I didn't see the driver of that vehicle. I'm sitting here watching the morning news while I type. Looks like things are heating up around North Korea. My kid is waiting to hear what the Navy has to offer. I think it'd be a great fit personality wise. So - I enjoyed the ride in to the city. I love watching the big planes climb out of ATL. The sight has always amazed me. We went to his bookstore first because they close early on Saturday. I looked at "green house" books. My dad was big fan of passive solar and compost piles ... I like seeing where that ball has rolled to. I'm collecting ideas for when we build something at the coast. I like French country - because it's so organic I think. My husband surprised me by choosing a book for me - a French country picture book. Then we went to IKEA. We bought a bunch of storage boxes to support my homemaking efforts. I don't like clutter. Next we went looking for a lunch stop. I would have wanted to go to Fellini's but it was 103 degrees out. We got a great table at the California Pizza Kitchen and enjoyed a wonderful meal. Then we went to my favorite store - Restoration Hardware. I liked almost every thing they had in the store. It was a lot of fun to see so many cool things in one place. We walked around a little - visited the Apple store and Aveda. When we got back to the car I was so relieved to just sit a while. I was wearing high heeled T-strapped sandles and they are a lot different from my boots! My pups where whimpering!
When we started to drive home I started thinking about BMW dealerships enroute - we stopped at one. There was only one stick on the whole lot! I was really surprised. It was fun to visit even though they were closed and all the cars were locked. I was hoping to smell some new car leather! Soon. When we got back on the interstate my husband asked me to look up what movies were showing in the local theater. Really! I was pretty thrilled. We saw Salt ... turned out to be more of a wait for the CD kinda show. It was still a big treat at the end of a really fun day. I have to GA lottery tickets to stretch the weekend out til Tuesday.

Still watching TV as I type and listen to Enya ... I've been ignoring politics for a couple of years now. I've been disgusted with the whole shebang. Now I am feeling dumb because I really don't know what the Arizona SB on immigration is - exactly. Having "come up" on the border I can see both sides of the issue. I've been stunned to see how our border patrol is being treated. It seem crazy to give them a mission and then basically mandate all the PC stuff. Do American's want unempended immigration or not? I don't blame people for wanting to make a better life ... but my friends say the border has become a battlefield for Mexican gang wars ... with the illegal immigration issue compounding the strain.

Well, I'm sitting here with atleast 30 minutes worth of damp hair and a cup of coffee film. Gottago.

Friday, July 23, 2010

I've read a little bit about the life of Linda Greenlaw. She is the commercial fishing captain who survived the perfect storm and has written a book; Seaworthy: A Swordfish Captain Returns to the Sea. She offers this perspective: I had come to realize that life without challenge and passion is far more destructive than physical danger. When you are fully engaged,life is richer. That is what I am talking about. I didn't love flying because it is dangerous. The type flying I do isn't very dangerous - there are dangers, but the flying I do is not fraught with perils. Greenlaw says, "What I risk continually, what I fear most, is failure, which I define as passivity." I know precisely how that feels.
I was drowning in passivity. Somehow I had become almost a spectator of my life. I've never been a person who gets super excited about anything - I can and do act quickly instinctively, but without a lot of extras that may make it more interesting. I edit. Yesterday I was looking at frames (drat missed the sale - I can wait) and I saw a word I didn't know fillet - yes for fish, but for framing? A fillet (fill it) is a frame inside a frame or maybe even more ... I've seen them a lot. It's a decorative piece that borders a mat (or several mats). It's fancy. The frame shop guy said rich. Very pretty, very ornate. I strongly prefer simple. One sturdy frame one mat - natural colors - the colors I actually see at the coast. That's what I choose for myself and that is just how I am. I don't like the spot light. Some how in my life the my easy breezy live and let live evolved into whatever you think and in my desire to be a great wife I lost my me ... I would pop up just every once in awhile when anger made me bob in those murky, depressing waters. That was my fault. I accept responsibility for that. I watched my momma run my daddy and while I didn't know what kind of woman I wanted to be, I knew what kind of woman I didn't want to be.
My brother calls frequently - usually to make me laugh. Statistics confirm that men die before their wives, he told me recently. Yeah, that seems to be what I see, I told him ... wonder why? His immediate response was, "Because they want to." I laughed - he's always setting me up like that. He says it's an old joke. He said Momma didn't think it was funny.
I didn't want to be my momma kind of woman and that took me to just not knowing what to say in a situation where my husband had already made up his mind anyway. Seems like I like people who know what they think. You jump into that pool and quiet is seen as passive, complacent, consenting if not enthusiastic.
I have noticed that PIC skills call me back to who I want to be. I make decisions and I can see how they work out ... I can correct if I need to or just hold steady. I like that. As a ground school instructor I started out just covering the material with the class. I am learning how to instruct them (as individuals) towards being stronger students. Learning isn't passive. I see my own children having been taught to sit there and take notes ... regurgitate this information at the appropriate time and we'll call that learning. I can see now that even in the classroom learning can't be passive.
I believe that is exactly what life is - a classroom. We learn. Sometimes we get it quickly and move on to the next lesson. Sometimes we have miss-learned and relearning primary - foundational - stuff is really difficult. Especially the emotional stuff that is at our core. Working with the handfull of people who I love are the shapers of my experience - my lessons or where I learn. That is why I am so willing to work so hard with those few people. Love makes them matter. And once they matter - I don't let them go. (I am working on that new category called like - it's a come and go kinda place :)
I gotta go - I get to pick up my little one at camp today and I am also very happy about having friends in for dinner tonight. Last night I didn't sleep well, but I noticed I was thinking about the fly weights spinning on the prop gov. or the idea of the CG in it's place spinning like a gyro (Jake's thought - I'm thinking about that). I feel extremely blessed - extremely grateful - that I have the luxury of learning some of my life lessons in the aviation environment. It's good to be totally engaged - I'm not talking about flying, I'm talking about life.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

what I'm thinking about this morning

Today - this quiet morning part of today, I will do housework in my bedroom and bathroom, and I'll think about this stuff I have noted here. I had the opportunity to experience a tiny vinette - is that a word? - a little piece - more like a ride that one gets on and then the ride ends and you get off - a little experience where I just trusted a person and it wasn't complicated by being a big deal, long term experience ... just a glance really at what trust maybe should feel like. It's pretty impossible to actual "be" that trusting and/or trustworthy, isn't it? Because of that experience I think that is the really good, strong, kind of trust that God has in mind for us (- specifically me since this is what I'm thinking about - lol -) in relationship to Him. I am at least a little bit afraid, most of the time, to trust God with most of my stuff. And I believe that is exactly what the original sin was precisely about ... they believed a lie, presented as a truth, that God was holding out on them and could not be trusted ... and the distancing of us from Him began. For me, those issues - trust or not trust - are the bricks that pave that narrow road back to Him. Recently, someone, just slightly derisively, asked me if I believe in all that nothing but the blood (of Jesus) stuff. Yeah, I do. But probably not exactly as it is usually presented. I've thought about it quite a bit over the years. I think it is about the value (in this case, the "life" of Jesus) that God places on our choice to trust Him, or not. I wasn't thinking to write about that this morning, but just to clarify a tiny bit: I don't know about every one's cultural take on this idea, but I do believe that most people instinctively value their own life. Maybe some cultures think their next life will be better because of how they spend this life ... like jihadist ... and like christians too. I'm saying, I think we humans generally see our own life as valuable - really valuable - priceless maybe. Jesus spent his life demonstrating a relationship with God and then surrendered his valuable human life to demonstrate trust in God's ability to give him life again. All the suffering leading up to, and the death on, Calvary wouldn't have been significant if Christ hadn't risen. When people want to make a point or deliver an important message, they look for ways to make the message meaningful. Our own life/death is usually an attention getter, the life of people we love may be even more important to us. So, the story of salvation (that includes the blood of Jesus) is: God sacrificed the human life of His son, and Jesus said he would do that for God and for us - so Jesus also decided to be a sacrifice - because of the value of that sacrifice - God's most valuable relationship was on the line. I think Jesus experienced all the same issues that we all deal with ... dying like that must have been horrible for a man who had recently healed, restored, ... spoken life back in. Then, he trusted. He asked God to find a different way, but God must have believed this was the best - maybe only way. So, I think, Jesus said okay, I trust you. God put His most precious thing on the table and with that He said, I'm not holding out on you, you can trust me...look at what I have placed at sake to help you see that ... you can trust me. Yeah - I think the story of a man called Jesus is historically accurate. I believed in a creator ... but the god I had learned about wasn't who I trust now. I am pretty amazed that it is possible to trust anyone at all - and especially the God who I can't see ... I see my airplane being "pushed" and I know it is the wind. A real person came and walked along beside me for a few days and one of the things we talked about was how important the wind is to airplanes. I can't see the wind but I can see it's effects. I don't have to see it to believe it. My belief has zero bearing on the facts. It's fluttering the azalea branches just outside my window right now. I can trust God who is invisible. Trusting God is a really good thing. Trusting. I'm thinking that trust may be the spiritual component analogous to lift.

Psalm 9:10
Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you.

Psalm 13:5
But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation.

Psalm 28:7
The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song.

Psalm 40:4
Blessed is the man who makes the LORD his trust, who does not look to the proud, to those who turn aside to false gods

Psalm 56:3
When I am afraid, I will trust in you

Psalm 56:4
In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?

Psalm 62:8
Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge. Selah

Psalm 118:8
It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in man.

Proverbs 3:5
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding

Proverbs 28:26
He who trusts in himself is a fool, but he who walks in wisdom is kept safe.

Luke 16:10-12
10"Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much. 11 So if you have not been trustworthy in handling worldly wealth, who will trust you with true riches? 12 And if you have not been trustworthy with someone else's property, who will give you property of your own?

John 14:1
"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me.

Romans 15:13
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

1 Corinthians 13:6-7
6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

What is "trust?"
noun on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.
2.confident expectation of something; hope.
3.confidence in the certainty of future payment for property or goods received; credit: to sell merchandise on trust.
4.a person on whom or thing on which one relies: God is my trust.
5.the condition of one to whom something has been entrusted.
6.the obligation or responsibility imposed on a person in whom confidence or authority is placed: a position of trust.
7.charge, custody, or care: to leave valuables in someone's trust.
8.something committed or entrusted to one's care for use or safekeeping, as an office, duty, or the like; responsibility; charge.
a.a fiduciary relationship in which one person (the trustee) holds the title to property (the trust estate or trust property) for the benefit of another (the beneficiary).
b.the property or funds so held.
10.Commerce. illegal combination of industrial or commercial companies in which the stock of the constituent companies is controlled by a central board of trustees, thus making it possible to manage the companies so as to minimize production costs, control prices, eliminate competition, etc.
b.any large industrial or commercial corporation or combination having a monopolistic or semimonopolistic control over the production of some commodity or service.
11.Archaic. reliability.

Notes from article:Rebuilding Trust ~Written by Lynette Hoy NCC, LCPC

"Adjust your expectations:

People are human, frail, and sinful. Therefore, you need a realistic type of trust when you choose to trust someone. Trusting grows in relationships over time because as you spend time together with someone you build knowledge, understanding and authenticity. You gain insight into another person’s character, needs, motivations and fears.

Unconditional love develops trust because as you express this kind of love towards someone — generally he or she will sense your acceptance and feel comfortable to be vulnerable and honest about their feelings. Unconditional love actually builds self-esteem in others and alleviates their fears of rejection. People learn that they can be authentic with you about their feelings, opinions, and failures. The result is a growing trust in the other person. Not because that person is perfect but because that person is growing in honesty.

Unconditional love is patient and kind

It is not self-seeking. It does not keep a record of wrongs. When love is not patient or enduring; when love is unforgiving and always disappointed or looking for something to go wrong, it generates fear and looks for imperfections in the other person. Fear-based love is conditional creating an atmosphere of distrust, dishonesty and instability."

And a few quotes on trust:

One must be fond of people and trust them if one is not to make a mess of life. ~E.M. Forster
I think we may safely trust a good deal more than we do. ~Henry David Thoreau

Our distrust is very expensive. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough. ~Frank Crane

The only way to make a man trustworthy is to trust him. ~Henry L. Stimson

We're all born brave, trusting, and greedy, and most of us remain greedy. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

Few things help an individual more than to place responsibility upon him, and to let him know that you trust him. ~Booker T. Washington

You can as easily love without trusting as you can hug without embracing. ~Robert Brault

Saturday, July 17, 2010

A little change of pace

When I realized that I had captured a bad memory in the large shadowbox/frame that I intended to house the artwork to commemorate my commercial certificate I took it out from behind the glass and very carefully shaved the edges off until it fit in my notebook. All the guys really liked seeing it and after the discussion on the prop I see how to improve on it ... so I am happy that it is becoming incorporated rather than enshrined. I hung the empty frame back up. Last night I dreamed of what I am excited about drawing and painting to put in the frame. It's hard to describe, but I'll try. I looked through a window (like a frame), and saw a very beautiful time piece, rather the circular housing with the winding piece/knob. The face, hands and numbers were missing; which for me signified a journey without the constraints of arriving at a place on time ... it's not a race, it's just a run. I like to race because I like to win. I set up little races for myself against my best time guesstimate ... I put the pressure on myself. Over time I have forgotten how much fun it is to just run ... or walk ... feeling the breeze on my face and smelling the pine needles or the salty air. I have forgotten (as up i grew down i remembered*) that I believe life is a journey and not a destination. The destination is where the journey completes and I think there are many one foot in front of the other moments between here and there. That is what I am really good at. I am good at moving forward towards things hoped for yet unseen.

Back to the art - inside the housing between 12 and about 4:30 was very delicate lovely scrolling vine - etched within the simple tendrils. The vine begin outside the picture and wound around until a tiny part of it was wrapped inside the housing. Words and phrases were written on the vine ... parts of memories, turn heading...what are you aiming for ... it's really about managing the energy ... pitch pitch roll ... where are the winds from ... 28 psi ... words like those. It was fairly monochromatic, straight forward and uncluttered. I think I can remember it and I think I can translate it on to paper.

For today - I am relieved that I can bleach grout and restack food storage containers with their lids. I am looking forward to vacumning window sills and rounding up dust bunnies.

*anyone lived in a pretty how town
~ E. E. Cummings

anyone lived in a pretty how town
(with up so floating many bells down)
spring summer autumn winter
he sang his didn't he danced his did

Women and men(both little and small)
cared for anyone not at all
they sowed their isn't they reaped their same
sun moon stars rain

children guessed(but only a few
and down they forgot as up they grew
autumn winter spring summer)
that noone loved him more by more

when by now and tree by leaf
she laughed his joy she cried his grief
bird by snow and stir by still
anyone's any was all to her

someones married their everyones
laughed their cryings and did their dance
(sleep wake hope and then)they
said their nevers they slept their dream

stars rain sun moon
(and only the snow can begin to explain
how children are apt to forget to remember
with up so floating many bells down)

one day anyone died i guess
(and noone stooped to kiss his face)
busy folk buried them side by side
little by little and was by was

all by all and deep by deep
and more by more they dream their sleep
noone and anyone earth by april
wish by spirit and if by yes.

Women and men(both dong and ding)
summer autumn winter spring
reaped their sowing and went their came
sun moon stars rain

Friday, July 16, 2010

Now it is the end of the day and I am smiling. I thought today would be different than how it went. Early, I went to the airport to debrief yesterdays flight. What I want to remember about the debrief is this: He said I should come out to the airport, but when I got there he was in a meeting. That pissed me off but I doubt anyone could have possibly known that. I was able to wait but I was concerned about my daughter date and the things left undone at home. When he came out of the meeting I said I have to leave in 15 minutes. He talked about my stall recovery being too soft - his words. I said those weren't very dramatic stalls, what would you have liked to see done differently. He said he would have liked a positive rate sooner and I said the power was full in, the nose was on the horizon and I was waiting on 60kts indicated to finish the flap clean up...basically that's as good as it gets and he said I wanted to see the VSI climbing and I laughed and said how'd you like the cruise climb, wasn't that at about 200fpm? and he looked a bit stunned and I said that is my stall recovery, it was as good as it gets and I could tell he was a little confused by my boldness so I said, comeon buddy we both know I need some balls for this job and he said did you have to come out of your cocoon with me and I said very softly, yes, because I am safe with you and I have to learn how to do this. As I type this I realize that I should have leaned for a higher rpm before I departed...I would have definitely done that for a short field departure, but I didn't and that would have help quite a bit possibly with the climb out (ugh!). I'm working on a lot of different things here.... I'm learning stuff. I'm learning how to be me a little stronger without flipping the bitchswitch and that isn't as easy as one might think.

My FI said he got a thumbnail account of my ride yesterday ... he mentioned the landings. The landing were good. He also said that because of his responsibilities as acting chief that he wasn't sure of where I would be on the schedule next week...or really for the next couple, maybe three weeks. I asked him if it would be appropriate for me to not fly for the next few weeks while things are so up in the air with his schedule. He said because we are between planes that that would work out well ... that I can hit the books and put the flights in the arrow tighter and that'd probably work better. I think I really need a little break. I need to do some housework. I am feeling worn around the edges and I can't remember the last time I walked my dog.

Tonight L took me to the movies. I appreciated the surprise. We saw Inception. I liked it quite a lot. I still have to think about it, but I think it'll be one of my favorite movies. Certainly one of my recent favorites. Also making me smile are my fingernails - I have several different colors on them because my little girl needed them to help her pick out her favorite color today - thankfully they are just various shades of pink. She wanted to spray perfume all over me, but I didn't let her. She was drawn to the Ralph Lauren fragrances (which I also like). I told her that I wore the RL in the garnet colored bottle when I dated her daddy and she wanted me to buy some to remind him. I thought that was precious of her to think of. I'm pretty sure he'd rather have the 60 bucks then the fanning of his memory.

Now it is my bed time. I bet I sleep well. I bet I don't dream that the arrow gets messed up. I am glad for a little window to sit in and rest. I haven't read anything non aviation in so long.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

I love to watch the National Geographic channel - When I came home after class tonight there was a program about the stealth plane developed by the Germans during WWII - Wow! Absolutely amazing. This show on Solar activity (Naked Science - Easter Island Eclipse) is fascinating also. I remember reading National Geographic before I could read! I really want to see the Aurora Borealis.

My little girl just came in and asked me to smell her (lovely) hair. She is at that age. I told her it smells great and because I used her shampoo this morning I asked her how does my hair smell ... expecting fishing for a compliment. She said I smell like the airplane and I'm not sure that that is as good as I would like to smell! We are going to hang out tomorrow. I am going to surprise her with a trip to Sephora to look at nail polish. Just because I'm not girly doesn't mean I don't know how important it is for my angel to decide that for herself.

This was a good day. A goal was met. But all week I have been looking forward to tom

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Yesterday I made salsa with a fresh mango. Usually I, well always I have used dried mangoes. It's good - very good. I broiled talapia smothered in it (and butter of course) for dinner last night. Everyone liked it. The new grocery store had the best looking cilantro I've seen since my Dad stopped gardening. Well anyway, I'm trying to cook better and eat better (remember that carrot cake epiphany?) and that is not easy in a home with a lot of different palates. But I was energized by the pants I took out of my closet yesterday morning and put on - the ones that my husband said made me look fabulous - that's my word ... he might have said skinny or some other bigfatlie (that should be repeated as often as possible)... those pants didn't fit yesterday because they were about an inch too tight and I thought dang that trip to the Cheese Cake Factory really came home to roost fast! This is why I am posting this minute - not my usual schedule: Those pants were not my pants! They looked like my pants and were hanging in my closet, but not mine ... and that is noteworthy! Honestly, it is a miracle that I could pull those pants all the way on and think about lying down on my bed to zip them the way we used to do in High School when everyone was poured in to skin tight jeans. That wardrobe error was definitely on my mind all day yesterday, but tonight as I got ready for class, I went into my closet and found my real pants ... and they fit just fine. Sigh.

Other than negotiating the treacherous path that we women are fated to follow, I have been happily busy dining on CFI ground material. I especially enjoyed the work on the regions of command. I'll write on that later because I realized that it totally applies to life as well as aerodynamics.

And I saw that baby with the great smile today.

Gettago teach ground school for my private guys.

Friday, July 9, 2010

Today I picked my girls up at camp. Four leaves again on Tues. And then she'll be home the following weekend and then Five will go for another week at camp. I am thrilled that they get to do this sort of thing. I'm also glad they are home.
It is storming here tonight. I love to listen to it. I like that gentle rumbling thunder and rain. I like weather. I like that I understand how it works. I listened to Enya today. ... Only Time, one of my favorites on that album, well I like the whole album. A Day without Rain. Pilgrim. It'd be impossible to choose a favorite there. I've wondered why the winds die and where the stories go...
I reread that post titled " Rough Day" and in it I said I think I could love more people and then just a couple of days ago I said I don't want to love anyone else... It just gets to be a lot sometimes. I do think God wants us to be there for each other though. I think that - the time that you give or spend with people is what is valuable. What were those five love languages? Time, physical touch, acts of service, words of affirmation, gifts. That's my preferred order. Time given, when someone gives you their time, they've given you something that they don't get back. It's linear. I remember times shared. I am changed by the gift of someone's time. It's a big deal to me. When someone gives time and when I give time.
Last night I had a nightmare and when I awoke I was pumped up. I was afraid, but I was also actively handling the situation. It took a couple of glasses of ice water and a walk around my house to ease the adrenalin. Then I just keep on waking up every hour. Tonight I took that melatonin that the FI recommended. Hope to rest well.
Tomorrow I have promised some time to someone who asked me to care a little. Someone who needs a little time.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

We wake, if ever we wake at all, to mystery.~Annie Dillard

In 2008 I read the book: The Sacred Romance - Drawing Closer to the Heart of God ~by Curtis and Eldredge I was already thinking that our lives, each individuals story, must be that place where God speaks to us. I think the relationship is personal, intimate. I think the activities, distractions, the noise of life pulls and or lures us away from that relationship. Because we, or in this case I, am too busy to listen, I miss that relationship that God had in mind when he thought of me (yeah, I think He pays attention on an individual level). These authors encouragement is to "listen to our lives" and quote Frederick Buechner's advice:

"If God speaks to us at all other than through such official channels as the Bible and the church, then I think that he speaks to us largely through what happens to us. . . if we keep our hearts and minds open as well as our ears, if we listen with patience and hope,if we remember at all deeply and honestly, then I think we come to recognize, beyond all doubt, that, however faintly we may hear him, he is indeed speaking to us,..." (Now and Then)

I remembered wrong the other day when I said Phillip Yancey used arrows in an analogy. That analogy is used in this book - The Sacred Romance. As I thumbed through it yesterday I came across this line: "I remember feeling a sharp pain in my chest that I silenced with cold anger. I thought what a fool I had been all these years to believe in (fill in the blank). I know now I placed that last Arrow in my heart that day and shoved it cleanly through. I did it to kill the tears of mourning inside that would have insisted that there was something I had lost." In the margin - and what caught my eye yesterday - I had drawn a little sketch of an arrow. and wrote this beside it: faith feathers the arrow,becomes a prayer. A prayer for me by me. Heal my heart.

Elie Wiesel writes that "God created man because he loves stories." These authors use that quote and note afterwards: So if we're going to find the answer to the riddle of the earth - and of our own existence - we'll find it in a story.

Well - alright, I'm not going to write on this anymore. My FI just called and said today's flight has been moved up and I need to get to thinking in that direction. This book is a little touchy feely - but it is a good book. My husband didn't like it because he had already decided he didn't like the author. I went in to the book with a closed mind, but ended up ... writing in the margins.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Me-ocentricity or maybe meo sin tricity

I woke up with a headache. I think it has to do with me not wanting to think about something that I really should engage in. Even though I say I am thankful for those people in my life who have meant so much towards shaping/building me, I really don't like the pain that is a part of that process. The karate coach said pain is weakness leaving your body...I think he heard that somewhere. That's a good saying. Does it follow then that emotional pain is weakness leaving your soul? By weak I don't mean a character flaw, I mean maybe selfishness or self centered ness. "Meocentricity" I don't like the vulnerable feeling that comes with trusting people who will eventually be the source of pain. I don't like to trust and I don't like the weight of being trusted. It's a huge burden to try to do right where others are concerned ... I mean, some days I will try to do my best and some days I'm like screw this ... some days I am tired, some days I am just ornery. Some days I am looking out for myself, going my own way, doing my own thing (I kinda like that).

That baby with the great smile ... I was starting to love him. I don't want to love another person who is not my person. I could love him and his parents could just decide to move to some other middle of nowhere and I would never see him again and I don't think I really have many extra pieces of my heart left to handle cavalierly. I could love his parents more. I want to not. I want to pull back. I want to protect my heart. I want to focus on my little project with all my extra energy (which isn't much). My buddy doesn't have a mother. I can't step in to that role ... I already have the five promises lined up requiring what only my time can give them. I promised. I want to look out for mine and me. Wow.

I can see that I have to pitch in here. I have to help ... not really me, because I want to roll up on this and look the other way. I need more time if I'm going to take on more. I've thought about the time I spend here - blogging. It doesn't add up to much more than 30 minutes a day ... and it helps me sort stuff out I think. I don't see much wasted time in my day ... I don't see where the time I give to them will come from. I have weeds in my flowerbeds and... .

That thing I said yesterday, about giving yourself away seems to actual make you into more than you were ... I really think that's what I've seen. It's counter intuitive to take away from and end up with more.... Maybe that's the lesson in the loaves and fishes story in the Bible. Maybe there is a way I can invest in helping with my little bit. So, I am both people. The person who wants to hold on to all my bits, and spend them where I've promised and also on my project. And I am the person who understands that we are all in this together and we have to offer our bits to God to do with as He sees fit. I sure have benefited from other people who were just being who they were supposed to be. The idea expressed by the living sacrifice concept. Ugh. That sounds time consuming and I don't want to do that ... and that made the headache. And I do want to do that, but I am afraid of the cost to my heart. And I feel compelled to do that but my organized OCD self doesn't see the spot to plug that in.

I'm going to do it. I am going to walk over to the edge of that and step off. I'm going to trust God to keep all the eggs in my basket here, or not as He sees fit, I just hope He realizes what I have at stake here and I hope He keeps me safe. Yeah - I'm saying I hope I can trust Him.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

I'm thinking about some of the people who have helped "build" me. Those people who show their love in so many different ways. Yesterday, I met a woman who knew my friend Lisa (who died from cancer). It was very sweet to hear what she remembers and misses most about Lisa. She misses her laugh.

I like it that we give little bits of ourselves to the people we spend time with. We leave a bit without losing any of ourselves ... seems like we actually grow when we give ourselves away. I appreciate the flexibility of getting to choose...for the most part. It's sad when people you like are gone or dead. I am thankful for those little bits they leave behind.

Sometimes this project I am working on seems too big - too much. Whenever I accomplish something I say to myself - no big deal. But when I'm in the middle of working on it, I get scared. I rub my tongue over the top of my mouth until they both hurt. After I complete this certif. I plan to keep learning aviation related things and I plan to relearn Spanish...or TexMex. And then that is it! Then I will go to the beachand dig for sanddollars and maybe relax. lol

There is a drawing I want to draw - of H's feet with her baby "flying" arms outstretched and joy and trust written all over her face. I want to give that to H as a thank you - a love note - of what she has meant in my life. And I want to watercolor that image for the FI I work with now. He may like it - I'll keep a copy for myself...I like the story it tells. I like to do a little piece of art after each of these steps. Most people like the wild airplane watercolor I did after the the private certif, but my favorite piece is the one I did while working on the HPA endorsement. It is of me - how I saw myself flying - via my swing - as a child. I loved to swing and maybe one of these days I'll love to sit in a porch swing at the beach ... and maybe I will remember the people I have helped to learn how to fly.

I haven't decided what the piece that commemorates the CFI certif will look like. It feels like a stack of books right now. I am willing to pay this price to get to help someone on that journey. The CFIs who stand out in my logbook have done a lot more than build a pilot. It's kinda cool.
Beach face - so I can remember how chilled feels ... maybe able to schedule another mini trip in August, talking about Port A for Thanksgiving.

Relax you're on vacation - laughing at self - not relaxed enough not to notice, just enough not to care!

Sea Turtle from the Pier - Navarro Beach. I like this, and it reminds me of a lady bug on a leaf.

Monday, July 5, 2010

That strange dream

The GPS route has been programmed. The swaggerwagon has been fueled and packed. It is a beautiful clear 85* summer morning. Four is driving. She is a good driver. I want her driving because she broke up with her boyfriend last night - he broke up with her - on the 4th of July. The timing could have been better ... I don't want fireworks to make her cry. We'll see. She is a strong capable fun affectionate young woman. So she is driving. That'll give her something fun to think about.

Last night I had a strange dream. I experienced the dream from the perspective of viewing through my eyes. I was a passenger in an old, I'd guess 1960 model (Chevy)pickup truck. The truck had an immaculately well tended, organized, grey upholstered, spacious cab. The gear shift was up on the steering column which doesn't seem right for that year but ( maybe I'll check that detail for accuracy, that's how it was in the dream) and the chrome gleamed. I liked that there was no dust or smudges anywhere. I'm glad my dreams are tidy ... Lol. The seat was deeper then I'm used to and bench style. I could feel those old-fashioned web style springs flex as I shifted positions. It was noticeable, but not uncomfortably so - it felt like quality. The truck looked good, felt good, it even smelled good. I was looking out the windows, enjoying the scenery and having a pleasant companionable conversation with the driver.

Suddenly, unexpectedly, the driver hit the breaks, put the truck in park, and hurled himself out leaving the ignition engaged. I was thrown forward and towards the left (that's when I noticed the gearshift) sliding across the bench and grazing my left arm along something - maybe the dash- but catching myself before any serious harm. I was confused and I slide over towards the open door to see what was going on with the driver. He was laying face down on the asphalt stunned, but scrambling first to his knees then up, and then stumbling bloodied away. I tried to get out too. It was as though there was an invisible barrier keeping me inside the truck. When the driver jumped out some of his stuff fell out with him. I can't remember specifically what that stuff was, but a couple of people ran over to help him up. He angrily pushed them away saying leave me alone and they did. They picked up his stuff and gave it to me (I was surprised that they could pass things through the invisible barrier so I tried again to exit the truck ... I wanted to follow the driver). I reorganized his stuff, placing one item on the dashboard and the rest in a neat stack between my spot and the now vacant driver's spot. I wondered what I was supposed to do. I was still very confused, but I realized that I wasn't supposed to do anything more than just sit there. And maybe relax. It wasn't my truck (but it was my favorite color).

I wrote this yesterday while we traveled. As I began the drive home, my brother called and I broke my no driving with while talking rule. I was listening to Phil Collins with my iPod app and you can listen and talk through those little ear buds ... see I feel guilty! ... in my defense, it was a hands free conversation. I knew he would know just off the top of his head about old Chevy trucks. I told him about this dream. He said, "Baby, you gotta quit riding around with people who won't stay on task!" Pretty funny. I asked him about the gear shift and he told me that is called three on the tree. He said I need to drive farther North up in to red-neck truck heaven and buy one of these to rebuild. How much would that cost i wondered, and he told me that it would cost as much as I was willing to spend, but I finally wheedled him down to somewhere between 10 and 20,000. He talked engines ... he likes the 1970's engines for this project, but I said I wasn't thinking of a hot rod. He said the in line V6 would be dependable. I said I could probably prep the body, but would want to send out for the paint job. He said the color I like is one of the original colors. I can upholster thanks to my night classes - not looking forward to refinishing the springs but they're worth it. ...Yes, AC doable... We talked back and forth about that for the 30 minutes it took me to drive to B'ham for a date with my buddygirl. When I parked I looked up and said - "Tommy, you're not going to believe this but I think I'm looking at a 1960 Chevy pickup with a spray can paint job ... stay with me for a sec, I'm going to walk over there and ask, the guy is in the truck." Yep. That's what it was and the kid was only to pleased to let me peek inside (to check out the depth of the seat. I told my brother that the kid started wagging his tail and acting like he was gonna haftah get out and give me the walk around as soon as I said "Cool truck..." on the walk up.

My brother said he'd come down to the beach and help me put this project together. This falls in to the something I would really enjoy doing category.

Pictures taken of nice restoration  ... this is a slightly older truck.  Super cool though.  I like it.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

4 July 2010

Sunday night Thankful...

For this Country that I love and am grateful to be a citizen of ... Even though I think it's getting pretty messed up, it is still the best place in the world.

For time to just relax. Today all five were home for lunch. This morning before church I thought to clean the shrimp and put them on skewers for grilling ... They were already deveined!! I was totally amazed and I remembered the saying " whoever says you can't buy happiness is shopping in the wrong place". New grocery store in the area: Earthfare. Suddenly I am a huge fan! Grandmere sent about ten bottles of wine with us after Cs passing. She doesn't touch the stuff. Well, this is a Beringer product. One said, "I love that I a member of a family who will buy filling station wine and save it for 15 years.". Two thinks cheap wine doesn't age well. L was pouring it through a very fine sieve because the cork didn't come out in one piece. Mine went to the compost pile. Lunch was fun. I am thankful that my family can laugh together.

For the gift of being able to leisurely shop for music online that I can purchase and then add to my growing library ... All via the iPhone. Wow. Seriously amazing. I did buy the Cat Stephens album. Listening to it reminded me that I really like Crosby Stills Nash and Young ... And Neil Young alone ... And Simon and Garfunkle. Turns out I found another place to shop for happy.

I cut another check for camp today. I am thankful that we can afford that for our children. They really enjoy camp

Two drives our jeep. She likes to talk about how independent she is. "Her" transmission or atleast the clutch went out today. She called her daddy...well she had her brother/ hangout buddy call their dad via my phone... In other words, get Mom to get Dad. I am thankful that Dad asked for my opinion. I am thankful that Dad didn't have it towed to the mechanic. Two likes to live large. A few speed bumps will give her an opportunity to reflect.

I like to iron clothes. I get to do that in the airconditioning. I am thankful for that

I am thankful that we have enough of everthing that matters most.

Friday, July 2, 2010

That post titled "dreams are like shadows sorta" - I've been thinking about that a little bit. Again, back to the trust thing. I am feeling a lot better about trusting God. I've noticed as I read over some of my posts I have said,"He didn't look like someone I would trust", and I'm not sure what someone I would trust looks like ... . I think it's been pretty cool to just go ahead and trust. This FI I work with now intentionally (I think) scared me when we first started working together ... I think he needed to see what he was working with. He has had friends die in airplane accidents. The truth is, as safe as I feel in my airplane, it is still possible for things to go wrong. I remember saying to this FI out loud, "I trust you." And I didn't really want to, but I chose to. I amazed myself with that.
The favorite CFI I didn't decide to trust ... something almost insignificant occurred and trust just dropped in to place. Before each lesson with him I would ask God to help me keep on trusting him (the CFI). The flying part of trusting him was just about the amazing opportunity that I had to work with an instructor of that caliber. You know when a gift like that falls near by you just gotta smile, say thanks, and go with it. I wanted to stay in that place where I didn't question or spend learning energy trying to take care of my ego. I wanted to feel safe to be vulnerable about something that was important to me that he could help me make better. During one lesson I didn't understand what he was trying to get me to see or learn and maybe it didn't even have anything to do with me - I still don't get it, but I don't worry about it. I think he saw that it hurt my feelings and I think I saw his version of an apology - which I accepted. I did feel humiliated because I got a bit of a dressing down in front of several people ... and I think that was about the other aspect of this trust thing. I think that slap down came out of the blue and was confusing for me. The fact that it felt humiliating made it more personal than the actual event was or should have been. It was a arrow shot too true ... it went right into that spot. I don't think that was his intent. The learning point there came later and it was I don't get it ... that brand of pain was familiar, but I am certain that whatever was going on, it wasn't about jabbing my wound (like it did). Additionally, there was a major set back in my personal life at that same time. Something that hurt my heart happened. I'm working on trust as hard and brave as I can over here where I can see it. Over here where I can see it, something looks wrong ... does that mean I was wrong about trust here? I had to ask myself that and work out the answer. Where my heart hurt ... it is what it is ... everywhere you go in life it seems that you take the good with the bad. And I am learning that it's okay to just try to "grow" what's good rather than spending a lot of time trying to eliminate what's not. My friend, H, said to get an amazing lawn you don't kill the weeds. Instead you water and feed the grass. Healthy grass chokes out the weeds. Maybe that is right.
During that time - it was pretty overwhelming for me. I had to let go of how I hoped things could be ... things aren't going to be that way. It turned out that I didn't stop trusting an honorable person and that has given me the ability to reach towards trusting an honorable God. I am praying everyday that God will just help me to trust Him. That adventuring soul thing ... trusting God makes the adventure - more.