The way to love someone
is to lightly run your finger over that person's soul
until you find a crack,
and then gently pour your love into that crack.
~Keith Miller

Friday, April 29, 2011

Monday 4 April, at the beginning of this month, I made a note about recycling those broken pieces that we collect in our souls ... pieces left from broken dreams ... broken promises ... broken hearts maybe. 

Somewhere along the way the concept of broken pieces had evolved to include more then what is actually true for me ... in my soul.   I'm not talking exactly about my "ability to trust" ... as I journal here, but, I am able to see that some of the "thinking about" that I do here has helped ... I really like the way my trust is functioning now.  A lot of women have trust issues ... guys seem to do trust one hand shake at a time ... or at least trust is not so all incompassing as it seems to me to be for women ... (with apologies to my more enlightened sisters).   Well, that may not be a defendable stance, and I'm not trying to convince anyone here ... just saying, in my opinion, whatever one's perception of what "trust" is, trust seems to me to be an important part of our operating system ... and understanding the glitches in "our personal take on trust" seems to me to be ... a big deal.  I thought my ability to trust was ... shattered ... and ... that what was left of those pieces was beyond repair.  For a long time, I was okay with that idea.  I figured I would be fine trusting no one with anything truly important.  I figured it would minimize the big disappointments in life events.  I figured it would keep me from becoming bitter ... if one's expectations are adjusted, the opportunities to have the rug pulled out from under you are also minimized ... all trust related surprises become pleasant ones ... that's what I thought.  Along with that idea, I also believed myself to be ... trustworthy.  I've been pretty careful about saying what I mean, doing what I say ... making a few promises and keeping  them.  So ... my  "truster" was out of harmony. And ... I wanted to be able to trust God.  I figured I should work on trust as I journey towards God. 

A coupleof years ago, a close friend suggested that I Corinthians 13 would be a really helpful part of the scriptures for me to focus on as I went through "a time" in my life. I paraphrase those verses to this:

Protect,Trust,Hope,Persevere - LOVE

A lot of the journey journaled here on True North is viewed through that filter.  I am trying to do my walk with especially those words written in to my ways. 

Persevere has always been my forte ... I can see it as far back into my life as I can see.  You might even call it ... stubborn ... lol ... I am realizing that lately.  I am realizing that determined to persevere can be as detrimental as giving up.  Again ... probably about finding (through God)  appropriate balance.
Trust has always be my weakness.  I trust myself.  Lately, I have been sorely tempted to break a few promises.  Fortunately, I don't lean towards judgemental, but it has been an eye opening experience to see "there but for the grace of God go I", up close and personal.   

It has occurred to me recently, that determined is about what I can do for myself ... even as I say Christ strengthens me ... . I have noticed in all the religions I have had an opportunity to look at,  that even good people have a tendency to do their own stuff and call it God's stuff.  It's pretty hard to stay on track when the track is unknown and the guidance system is ... invisible.  Yeah, I know it comes with a manual, I call it the Bible, but even that Holy Book seems open to interpretation ... and we have all seen how messy that gets at times. I am methodically searching for the squelch on that "still small voice", surely it is co-located with the volume control!

Trusting myself seems to me to be ... okay ... a place to start ... a benchmark maybe.  I have some control over my actions and can at least remain trustworthy.  Right?  I've busted my butt standing on the trust rug where other's actions speak so much louder then their words ... not whining ... we've all been there.  Not always that big a deal.  But for me ... over time ... my trust became so busted that I couldn't get the pieces back together good enough to even trust God ... who I know is ++worthy of trust.  

It seemed to me that ... for me ... a right relationship with God hinged on ... trust.  Trusting God takes the "I" and the "Myself" out of the relationship. Our relationships with the people in our lives distort and/or enhance our ability to experience a right relationship with God ... .  I know what I mean ... maybe I am not expressing it well.

I've had a few wonderful experiences lately with what it feels like to me, for me, to trust.  I like it ... I like how it feels a lot.  It makes me feel safe.  It makes me feel ... protected.  It makes hope ... a foregone conclusion ... hope is a piece of cake when trust is operating ... protected, persevering ... not a problem when trust is in sync.  It radiates little golden pieces of cherished through me.  It's a little bit like having a buddy offer to scrub that spot on your back that you have never been able to reach ....  That was what made that day feel so amazing last week.  I had a little tutorial on what I feel like when stuff lines up.  Real world circumstances don't often allow stuff to line up though ... .  Life has a lot of catch 22s.  I am very very happy to have had the opportunity ... however ephemeral the experience. 
It gave me an opportunity to see myself ... unbroken.  New even ... .  me ... sleek ... airworthy.  It felt like my soul was flying. It was a surreal experience with practical applications.  wonderWings  (see blog list if you're interested) has been looking at I and II Corinthians, and is thinking there about some of the same things I've been thinking about here. It's interesting to see different perspectives on parallel processes. 

2 Corinthians 10:3-4 (NLT)
We are human, but we don't wage war as humans do. [4] We use God's mighty weapons, not worldly weapons, to knock down the strongholds of human reasoning and to destroy false arguments.

(Here's where he was on Wednesday this week.)

That's where I am also ... .  Our spiritual journey (and I believe we are all on one whether we acknowledge it or not) is out here in the human realm ... where flesh and blood  ... human reasoning and false arguments ... selfish wants ... human frailties ... all that stuff we deal with on an intimate level ... Where all that stuff seems more real then what is eternally real. 

My friends read this blog and then they call ... I know they will ask me if I am okay after reading this.  I am okay.  Don't call and ask that.  I am right in the middle of one of those things that we all go through ... a catch 22 ... that spot on my back that I can not reach is calling out to me!  I would really like some stuff to line up! I would really like for God to ... give me a break. It's been a rough several months. I feel like I am learning bunches of awesome stuff, but I am tired ... I feel those human frailities and I want what I want!

I'm not even going to re-read that right now ... .

I was at the beach earlier this week ... perfect place at the perfect time.  I kept my shoes on inside the house and showered rather then the big soak baths that I love ... the abrasiveness of the sand was minimized by those choices. 
Yesterday, my oldest son, One, hugged everyone goodbye and drove off with my brother and my sister -he-chose-for-me towards law school ... I told One I was really hoping for a dentist as I parented him ... lol, he knows I was teasing ... it's very rewarding to see them finding their own way to the lifes they will live.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

I have enjoyed - much - that kind of enjoyed that feels like sunshine is shooting out of every pore of my body ... like that last scene in an 80S scifi movie. Can't remember the title of that movie ... Maybe it was a Star Trek movie but I don't remember Kirk or Pichard ... A beautiful bald headed crew member was abducted from the ship ... She later reappeared as a "probe" with a blue light implanted in her forehead. Bald was quite daring at that time ... At the end of the movie a male crew member who loved her and could still see the essence of her in the probe ... Yeah it's scifi chicflic-alicious ... They stand near a Voyager space craft gazing in to one another's eyes and light begins to encircle them like a tornado ... They dematerialize I think in orgasmic splendor ... And the movie ends (as I recall) with the captain saying "a new life form is born". I remember liking the special effect ... That's how I have felt recently. It's sorta like a happy that colors everything ... Better. It made the crooked straight and the rough places plain. That is how I want to feel. Now that I know I am capable of that ... That's how I want to feel. I'm not sure how to make that happen. That felt ... Totally alive ... Like shimmering with life. It actually felt better then flying an airplane which is shocking to me. I personally feel more like myself when I am flying then anywhere else. Hope that doesn't upset my husband to read that ... No offense intended.

That feeling ... It's very interesting to experience a better version of yourself. I am thinking that may be how God would like for me to experience this wonderful gift of life that He gave me. So amazingly alive. Peace ... Joy. I know I am capable of that now. That's pretty cool. I'm going to figure that out ... .
"Far better to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure, then to take rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in the grey twilight that knows not victory nor defeat." - Theodore Roosevelt

I believe this is my view. Live large ... Careful not to slam in to others, mindful that your actions can reach beyond your intentions in both helpful and detrimental ways ... . Live large and learn much ... Don't be afraid to color outside the lines.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

261335Z 18011 10sm BKN 008 OVC12 A2992 ... here @ 777MSL
261344Z 17007 10sm OVC 011 21/18 A2994 ... +/-50 miles E @ 396MSL
here's the money ...FM261900 20012G20 P6sm BKN050CB
...with a low cig forecast for later ... hmmmm
station to the W has data that is 63 minutes old ... their forecast for 1900: 17014G20 P6sm VCTS BKN 035CB ... here we go
261353Z 16009G17 10sm SCT015 OVC250 24/21 A2989 @ 219MSL

Well now ... Radar images show a line of pink and red wrapped in a band of mostly green 3/4 as wide as the state ... with winds pointed right at me and moving at as much as 45 kts ... hmmmm H over OK ... L up by the Great Lakes ..

I usually take a quick look at the weather. How will this info help me today ... I am not flying today. It is 1416 UTC right now. I need to walk my ginormous dog today ... but when ... he is a big baby about LTG. I do not care to smell like wet dog.

I have several chores to catch up on ... in and out of my home all day.

We left my brother at the coast for a day of fun in the sun before he drives the four hours N to our home ... bet he is packing his truck as I type ... bet they arrive way before dinner as I expected. Bet I better re-think my track through this day! My ten year old requested potato soup with dinner tonight ... I said that would be to heavy for the end of a hot day ... day not so hot now ... soup may be very pleasant around 2300Z. That adds a ton of potato peeling ... .

The thing about the dog ... he knows the weather is deteriorating ... I better go do my errands. And keep an eye out for tomorrow's weather ... my brother was hoping I would take him up on a little fly around.

Monday, April 25, 2011

That chair ... the super duper comfy one out on the balcony ... I accidentally fell asleep in that chair.
 Now I am sporting a very itchy sunburn on my legs ... yes they were resting on the rail while I snoozed ... and dang ... I am way too old for sunburns!

Looks like I am two weeks behind on my photo a day blog.
I took a few pictures at the beach that I think are interesting, and I am
going to spread them outto fill in for those days that I did not post a picture.
It's just pretty impossible to get everything done and when something suffers ... it's easy to chose to not snap a picture that day ... I did want to put the red flag ... danger photo here to go with the song ...
I am no mermaid.
I asked the flag guy ... why half mast? and he said the winds were so high that the flag at the top would pull the pole over. The waves were definitely surfable.  I do not surf.
The temperature of the water was - perfect. The rip tide was unrelenting.

"Smooth seas do not make skillful sailors." ~ African Proverb  

Saturday, April 23, 2011

It's almost two o'clock ... A time when I am normally awake ... But this night is special. I am back at the coast. Every one else in the whole wide world is asleep and it's just me ... Sitting out here on a third floor balcony not fifty yards away from where the water breaks and rolls back under the incoming white foam. From where I sit, in the most comfortable low swung chair ... really, it feels like a down filled easy chair ... I'm reclining with my feet up on the railing ... looking at what is suddenly complete cloud coverage ... just a few keystrokes ago I could see Orion's two bottom stars. The three quarter moon is bright enough to light the waves and the sand. I drove in tonight ... my husband was atleast half exhausted from his busy week away from home. Everyone was so quiet on the drive down ... they were dropping in and out of sleep, while I totally enjoyed zooming in and out of the coastal fog. I was singing very softly along with Enya ... and looking for airport beacon lights ... and airplanes high overhead. No joy. Orion will have to watch them by himself tonight.
It's nice being in a condo closer to the ground ... the sound of the surf is so present. We usually rent a condo near the top of the tower ... They are nice too ... up where the banner planes and tour helos fly ... up where the seagulls laugh at the silliness below.
I can already see what tomorrow morning's walk should be ... Pier Park is about a mile and a half from here ... I should be able to earn some real cream in my coffee with a walk down there early in the morning.
What a wonderful night ... here in this very comfy chair ... kicked back ... listenning and feeling ... enjoying the sounds and the cool breeze. I love the black and white photo quality of night at the beach. I shoulda brought a nice camera ... If there is a next time like this, I will. I wish you could see it ... it's going to be a memory worth saving.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Thinking about this love grace and gratitude thing. I like it ... I like it a lot. You could even say it's one of my buttons ... My green arc, so to speak. And love, grace, and gratitude are awesome but ... Well, I'm thinking about accountability and consequences ... . We had a pastor who had an affair with a woman in his former congregation ... Big mess. Split that church ... Then he was hired here. The idea was ... Well, God is forgiving. God is all about restoration. We ended up leaving the church after he had been in the pulpit for awhile ... All the problems that took him to an affair became active in our church. I had forgotten about that. The deciders who hired him wanted to be all about grace and love and before long many of the members in the church were making very poor choices because grace ... Forgiveness ... Second chances were the only ideas in the air.

"Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace and gratitude." - Denis Waitley

That's what I'm talking about.
Sunday ... Monday ... I felt fabulous. Tuesday ... Not so great. Wednesday ... Thursday ... I can hear the birds singing, but I have to prompt myself ... birds calling to each other is a really good thing ... Something to enjoy. My husband has been out of town these last few days ... He is very puzzled by my "ups" and "downs" ... Until recently I have not been a moody person. Mostly, I've disciplined myself to focus on those things I can be so thankful for ... And there are so many. Now, it's like everything is in black and white, and I'm just too unable to try to retune for color ... . Today, I'm going to the beach ... I'm thinking about how unpleasant the sand that invariable gets tracked in feels underfoot ... Or lingering in the bathtub ... The abrasive aftermath of those strolls in the surf that I love so much. "Remember Monday?" my husband said on the phone last evening "... Whatever that was on Monday ... Go back to that". After all these years of being so steady ... I am having a few ups and downs. He calls it "cycling". "Why are you cycling?", he asks. We've been married for thirty years now ... Short one week. He really doesn't want to know what's up and down with me ... He just doesn't have any idea what to do with his up and suddenly down wife. It is so unlike me. I don't know quite what to do with myself ... Which is totally new territory for me. I'm one of those people who knows what to do ... And does it. "Monday" is gone. I do not mourn that. It was a really good day but I wouldn't want to get stuck there. You can't do all your living in one day.

My lap top is acting weird. ... The back up laptop has a sad case of someone accidentally spilled water into the keyboard. Yesterday morning I got everything ready to do a post on the materials list for PVT ground. I'm not so far away from "determined" that I have forgotten the value of just putting one foot in front of the other and walking with my head up towards what comes next. On the other hand, I'm not so familiar with "amazed" that I can really know how to live it ... On this little iPhone keyboard it's impossible to open a tab and find that quote I like about happiness can not be traveled to ... It is the product of living in a state of grace and gratitude. Something like that. I truly don't want to look back at "Monday". Monday is over ... I'm a looking ahead kinda girl.
I'm looking for a little "amazed" ... I am certain that it is swirling nearby. I'm doing my best. That in itself is amazing because it's so true. I'm asking God to do His best too. You gotta have a little help when you set aside your "determined" and dive headlong into "amazing". I need a little amazing grace. I deleted the monday app ... Don't know the password to reinstall ... I knew that when I tapped the X.

I didn't know what else would be really right to do ... So I just started falling backwards ... And I am absolutely certain that God will catch me ... It's the sensation of falling that is so terrifyingly unfamiliar.

Beach ... Visiting family ... Anniversary trip.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

PVT Ground Lesson 1 - informal intro

I said I was going to post notes for Private Ground ... .  I've been thinking about how I want to format those and haven't reached any solid plan for these ... so today, we will experiment with the "here goes" option.

I am unsure about where to start.  If we were in a classroom, I'd introduce myself ... hi, I'm DeAnn, and frankly, I would then start looking around the room for the deadheads, because ... certification is a lot of work.  It's time consuming ... expensive ... addicting ... frustrating ... exhilarating ... the list goes on and on.  I have been amazed at the depth and breath of information that is mandatory for just this first little certificate ... the Private Single Engine Land (PSEL) ... aka, Your License to Learn ... first heard that expression right after my certification ride, and I thought ... I know a lot more then he ( the check pilot) thinks I do ... I am like a rockstar with wings now!
Ha ha ha ... that was a long time ago, and to tell you the truth, I have never gotten in to that seat without ... seeing things I either didn't see before ... not enough knowledge to know what I didn't know (and at the beginning of this, ignorance is both bliss and potentially ... ummm, problematic) or experiencing new (and this is huge part of the fun) challenges.  What I'm saying is: Flight is a very dynamic and rewarding venue.

So, you think you want to fly ... or maybe you just want to see if you can cut it in ground school.  I have had many student's show up for class with no intention to fly ... usually they are AeroSpace majors looking for an easy A ... and omg are they awesome at the aerodynamic material ... systems, performance ... they get it!

... Let's do a course overview here:  The FAA provides a detailed list of Aeronautical Knowledge requirements in FAR 61.105
Our stated objective is to provide a general introduction of information in preparation for the FAA (Federal Aviation Administration) private pilot written exam. Topics covered will be:
1. Fundamentals of Flight ... basically, airplane systems and aerodynamics
2.Flight Ops (Operations) ... the flight environment, for example, safety, airports, charts and airspace and communications, such as radar and ATC (air traffic control), radio procedures and various sources for flight information.
3. Aviation Weather (huge topic)  BASIC weather theory ... patterns and hazards to flight, and fundamental info on  acquiring and interpreting weather data.
4. Airplane Performance ... and weights and balances ... E6B basics, and Navigation ... flight planning, and how to track your performance during a flight.
5 Aviation Physiology ... aka: Human factors, and Aeronautical Decision Making
and the best for last ... with a drum roll please ...
6.The Regs which are the Federal Aviation Regulations ... rules and procedures for General Aviation.
In a classroom setting, I always introduce the Regs as soon as possible.  What I think I have noticed, is ... a lot of pilots don't like rules. No, not quite so ... more accurately stated; I have observed that a lot of pilots don't want all the rules to apply to themselves, they are usually fine with all the rules applying to most of their pilot buddies and in fact will sometimes make up rules that they wish to apply to ... maybe not their buddies is the best way to say that. So, usually someone asks ... innocently ... who makes the rules?  And this is as good an answer as I can give ... a lot of "stuff" goes in to deciding what the rules are but the bottom line is the FAA decides ... regulates ... interprets ...and enforces.  Somebody has got to do it ... and they are "the man".
Knowing and following the REGs is the way to get on the same page with other citizens of the aviation community and ... protect your investment (time and money and uh uhm, butt).  There is a "suggested" study list for the Private/Recreational  student in the FAR/AIM ... btw ... always use the most current material, stuff changes that's why a new publications come out. A lot of aviation publications have a "shelf life".  Updates to the Regs. are routinely dispersed via  and there is a wealth of interesting material provided there free of charge.  Check it out.  I encourage ... strongly "suggest" ... that a beginning ground school student start reading and understanding the list of regs and the material in the AIM (Aeronautical Information Manual) as soon as possible.  This is best done on a daily basis ... not even kidding here ... learn the REGs ... follow the REGs ... don't try to bend them if you want to keep flying. Wow ... that's a lot on the REGs to start with.  I buy the book every year ... still ... I read it often.  And I absolutely love the iPhone app for the FAR/AIM.  Students invaribly ask me for the titles to some of my favorite aviation books ... blogs ... non-classroom material.  Honestly, read this primary stuff first ... it will give you a stronger perspective to appreciate the other stuff from ... .
I mentioned the Aeronautical Engineers ... they usually do not "like" weather information ... and the REGs just seem like punishment for thinking this material will be  ... an easy A.  Some of them do well ... the really smart ones drop the class early ... this material should support the quest for a Private Pilot Certificate ... it's just too much work otherwise!  That's what I think.

There are several excellent syllabus' ... syllabi (sounds itchy)  available.  I'm going to use the Jepp (Jeppesen Sanderson) syllabus here.  I understand that even the airlines use Jepp to support ground review.

I'll post a list ... the list ... of reference materials on my next Ground School Post.  The real truth is: private ground is basically "directed reading". It's tedious ... extremely time consuming ... some of it ... maybe even a lot of it, you won't "get" if you're not flying too.  I love it.  Really ... there is so much cool stuff to learn ... and that's before you even get to put it to practice!  The actual written test which is required for certification is easy ... becomes easy ... if you study.  The FAA generously provides the questions and the answers that they want. We'll talk about that on the next post.

Saturday, April 16, 2011


About this picture - what it expresses to me - the Oakley's are cool and they keep people from seeing into my eyes ... they keep people out. The necklace - there are two here - one is a two sided heart both sides express love one side is prettied up for public consumption the other side just is what it is...that is the side that is exposed here. The other necklace which is prominent in the picture is an expression of the idea of pearls talked about in the preceding post. In a previous post I am talking about a rosary - this is that necklace. The weird sorta  beads represent my idiosyncrasies - unique...kinda a different take on beads... I like them especially with the other, more refined, beads. This bracelet is about who I am, who I am represents my other bracelets that remind me that God has made a commitment to me, that I have made a commitment to Him, that He loves me, and those are summarized in my trust of Him (maybe kinda weird - my bracelets have names - they symbolize something to me)


Friday, April 15, 2011


I want to see these ideas which were expressed here, on True North, together ... in a pile ... where I can look at them. 
I am surprised as I look back through at how many of my posts are in "storage" ... too private.  I am surprised as I look back through that more of my posts aren't in storage ... I've been working on some ideas here.
Trust ... lots of work on trust and I am very happy to believe that the work there is going very well. I am learning how to recognize why my trust switch is "twitchy" and ... well, I get it.  I have also found that the Trust Switch has a push to reset breaker on it ... and then there are days and places where I can just trust ... and not even check the trust switch ... good places.
Shelter/Protect/Cherish ... Respect ... lots of ... bunches of work there. 
Hope ... I seem to need some fine tuning in the hope department ... maybe that is a faith thing ... maybe hope is really about trust.
Persevere ... I see where I am tired and I see how that makes me vulnerable ... vulnerable isn't as bad as I thought it was ... there is a lot to learn over there where you are vulnerable.  Seems like God finds a way to "touch you" where you'd least expect it.  I have a new word now ... two new words.  I found them where I was vulnerable.  One is secret (too private) the other is amazed.   I'm not feeling so determined anymore, I am relaxing ... it's getting to where I am still enough to see bunches and bunches of amazing swirling around.  I know this may sound really weird, but if you actually read my blog you know I have a vivid imagination ... and maybe see things a little differently ... sigh ... sometimes I really have dreams (while I sleep) of a different kind of place.  Everything feels right there ... it's a place where everyone can just fly ... and swim underwater for as long as they want to ... animals talk there too ... and other cool stuff ... souls don't bump into each other there. I know I am there (in my dreams) because a golden light pervades ... like fog ... except I can easily see through it ... and in addition to the golden wash there are swirling ribbons of golden tiny tiny flecks that are so small that they move right through the inhabitants of that place unimpeded.  Every soul there delights in "being swirled" ... those tiny golden flecks are ... amazement ... joy.
I am an average person ... with a pretty normal life. Just like you. Recently, I have been sitting still enough (yeah, if you know me at all you know I don't sit still well ... I fiddle ... I kick ... I count ceiling tiles and floor squares) .  Recently, I have experienced the touch of those tiny golden flecks as they swirled around and through me ... I didn't see them coming because I was awake. But I know how they feel and I know how they make me feel. Amazed.  I'm going to be receptive to being amazed.

Why can all the truths told be swept away by one lie?
Why does a stack of gold weigh less then a sack of cold?
30 Jan

Trust can't be tossed out there like a picnic blanket.
She's talking about close relationships ... intimacy. This is what I think ... this thought originated in a place that should just feel but now it thinks first. Intimacy is like an oasis in the dessert ... maybe they exist ... lots of times they turn out to be a mirage ... me? I'm going to carry my own water. That may sound a little bitter here in black and white ... I don't think it is ... I think it is just practical.  17 March

It's another very grey day under the low clouds ... I know there is a brilliant sky just beyond. Yeah, weather 101 ... transferable as a life lesson.
26 Jan

I am tightly seatbelted in the middle back seat with a stack of pillows and a road weary down comforter piled about ... and ( this is the high point ) a watered down Mountain Dew in the cup holder. I do adore Mountain Dew, especially the blue kind found only at Taco Bell ... this one is yellow. Caffeine camouflaged as Koolaid ... The heartburn factor is high back here in the back seat. My husband just texted a picture of grilled steaks to me ... I do not have a picture to answer nicely with. All I have is a half gnawed dried out Arby's something lying in limp faux foil. TAFs around the area agree ( same source data helps a lot with that! ) that the very scary freezing rain is several hours after our worse case ETA. I didn't want to be on icey roads after dark. We have just now made the turn to the North and may see the forecasted snow and ice pellets ... Or maybe not. 9 Jan

I don't like to see all the already built stuff overlooked in favor of the new flavor. I don't like the waste of empty consumption. I appreciate the notion of re-imagining
22 January

Some naughty how I am three big glasses of wine into this evening.
My ears are humming and I recognize that as two glasses too many. I am at home. I will not fly or drive any time soon ... I am another few glass behind giggly but right on top of amusing swear words. I think occasional cussing is funny. Well, that is shameful but true 4 January

So, shelter. I've been reading about what researcher have to say about our need for relationships. What motivates us to form and maintain relationships with each other? It's been pretty interesting reading. They say we fall into two basic groups. One grouping is that people rely on relationships to help regulate feelings about themselves, in other words ... self esteem. The other is a desire for closeness or belonging. 18 January

It doesn't really matter why, and maybe I don't even know why, but for some reason I do not tend to let very many people get very important to me. I don't want to spend any time here on this idea, probably most people are like this. I don't like to feel/be inter personally vulnerable.
That's not how I want to be though. (Well, the truth is I struggle with it.). It's complicated ... but I don't think it's supposed to be. That falling backwards and somebody catches you ... trust building exercise ... not so much for me. No thanks. Coupled with that resistance is this: I think we are supposed to acknowledge our connectedness to one another. The people and events of your life (my life) become more or less significant at my choosing, but they're not arbitrary ... that's what I think. Even the simplest encounter becomes a thread which is spun into the yarn making it a stronger thread (thickness or density). Choice combined with circumstance weave those strands in to the warp (length-wise) and woof or welt (width or interlacing with the warp) of the tapestry that expresses your (my) life. You get to pick up some color and texture, pattern and scale ... design features ... and you get to choose how your fabric is used, or treated. Those encounters I choose should make my life more interesting ... meaningful ... we collaborate with one another as we create who we are and the paths that take us to who we become. 20 December

I sleep with my phone tucked right under the edge of my pillow ... it makes a great flashlight and sometimes I wake up wanting to read a bit, or just look at a favorite picture ... something to put a smile on the search for sweet dreams 3 February

I looked look back, briefly ... careful not to get stuck there, at a time when I felt blown ragged by a storm. Just lately I have been thinking about shelter and more specifically about the shelter provided in relationships ... and something else. I've been thinking about how we warm our hands on each other's fire. Relationships ... we are communal, warming each other with shared moments. How do we know how close to get ... probably depends on the heat of the fire and the coldness of our souls.
I made a pretty good choice back there in the storm. I decided to tippy toe up reaching for God's steadying hand. My feet wanted to do something other then that ... at the time, they wanted to run carrying my heart to somewhere ... safer ... . Instead, I stumbled in to a shelter ... the shelter ... in my own little tsunami-type event. Turns out God was big enough to lift me out of a mess I wouldn't have been able to out run, and he held me close as my heart broke. God knows all about broken hearts.
I'm writing about this, because I learned something there where hurt and anger and regret co-mingled and my heart might have exploded in bitterness, fracturing into pieces too small to find again ... too small to do anything good with (small, like those tiny pieces that slice in to you unexpected).
Every body experiences weather ... life is lived in the elements, and we seek shelter when it becomes too much. I was thinking about Adam and Eve ... in the garden ... naked. Naked didn't matter ... irrelevant ... unnoticed until they lost the shelter of God's provision. We call it  naked ... exposed ... unclothed ... unsheltered ... vulnerable ... like we really are when we connect with one another in significant relationships. Most of the people I know, don't like vulnerable. I know I don't. I want to warm my hands, without exposing myself. I am unsure of shelters. I know that they easily fall down. Best to stand outside nearby and vigilant, warming my hands. It's hard to trust shelter . 5 February

Love complicates relationships. Yeah, that's what I said. It's easy to see what should happen in relationships where love isn't involved. I'm not even going to stop here, but I do believe that it's good to pull love out of the equation, think about it in that light, and temper the conclusions by factoring love back in. I absolutely love my people ... but love doesn't always take you to the most loving outcomes. 10 February

This is a time for waiting to see what's really going to happen. This is a time for composing myself ... 12 February

I thought of what is probably my word. Determine. Determine like figure out and determine like execute. 17 February

Some thing very different is going on with me. I'm trying some thing different. A different perspective for me ... which is "go with the flow". 20 February

To have faith is to trust yourself to the water. When you swim you don't grab hold of the water, because if you do you will sink and drown. Instead you relax, and float.
Alan Watts - "The New Alchemy" (1958), Zen Buddhist
Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment. ~Buddha 21 February

Ice cream is serious business. I know how it feels to get home with a container that someone else has had their fingers in ... it ruins your day. 22 Feb

The way to love someone is to lightly run your finger over that person's soul until you find a crack, and then gently pour your love into that crack. ~Keith Miller
I like that quote.
I like the light touch ... It reminds me of the story about a woman ever so lightly touching the robe that Christ wore. Under how many layers is my soul? Yes, I believe Christ is able to easily penetrate the layers ... Soothing, sealing the cracks. Gently, He pours His love 10 January

Shelter is a basic structure or building that provides cover
shel·ter (shltr)
a. Something that provides cover or protection, as from the weather.
b. A refuge; a haven.
c. An establishment that provides temporary housing for homeless people.
2. The state of being covered or protected.

retreat, asylum, sanctuary, shield, haven, harbor, cover, harbor, house, guard, safeguard, shield, defend.
Shelter n. - 1. something beneath, behind, or within which a person, animal, or thing is protected from storms, missiles, adverse conditions, etc.; refuge 10 January

am looking out my window, past the rose vine which is now covered with  fragrant little pink blooms ... a mother bird is hidden in the vines, her nest resting on thorns, but she has carefully "feathered" it to support her objective.  I'd like to know how many eggs she is caring for ... but it seems more important to let her do her job in peace!  Can she smell the roses?  Is she safe there hidden in open view? 6 April

I opened the window near my side of the bed sometime during the night like I usually do when the weather encourages it. This morning I sat up to see a female robin perched atop the hedge. I bet she is building her nest there in the holly bush. There is another nest going in the pink rose vine on my front porch. I wonder how many nests I might pull off of the engines of airplanes this season. That little robin tilted her head when she sensed me...ah, human...and she flew away. I wouldn't think of harming her - I enjoy her presence. She is wary of me whilst she builds in the sticker bush where snakes and cats might play. 2 May 10

I think we are all part of the plan,  interwoven in the plan ... we all have our roles in a drama too large to see from here.
One of my most favorite things is getting to notice a person just doing the right thing. In my own tiny life I have benefited from people passing through just doing the right thing ... a tiny right thing can change a life. A tiny right thing ... so small ... maybe so casually offered that it goes unnoticed by the person doing it... 23 February

Today was a very nice day ... the sky was blue and the birds were singing ... two even flew up to inspect last year's nest left in the rose vine ... and a surprise that made me smile ... . 30 January

+Laws control the lesser man... Right conduct controls the greater one.
+It's no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense. 
+Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.
+It is better to take what does not belong to you than to let it lie around neglected. (?!? Interesting, but I disagree)
+It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare.
Mark Twain quotes   23 February

Now, I am learning something about totally next generation trust. It is easier to trust God (or anyone) with something specific. Blanket trust is a lot harder. It's a lot harder for me to trust God right now ... when we have completed what I think of as our project. (The plastic is in my flight bag ...we must be mission accomplished.)  I'm like, "Okay, thank you very much ... that was epic fun ... a real nail biter there! You rock ... thanks for your time and interest here ... good to go ... I've got it from here." It's hard for me to grapple with trust when I don't have a clue what I'm supposed to be trusting about. 27 February

I do not know how to wait. I don't do wait ... . Wait feels inherently wrong to me. Wait feels like quit. Instead of wait (that ugliest of four letter words) I want to find another way. 8 March

These definitions shed a new light on the matter of waiting. This begins to feel more like just plain old good manners. Good manners I can do. I can wait my turn. 8 March

I am pretty stressed. And it's caused mostly by things that won't matter a few months from now. And it's caused mostly by things that are not within my control. 1 February
I believe telling the truth is important. People need to have confidence that what is being communicated is true. To me truth is foundational in any relationship. I think we have to be as truthful as possible with everyone all the time.
Sometimes I ask my husband something that is important to me and he says, "I'm not going to answer that." Of course, that does answer that. It's frustrating, but at least it's not a bold face lie. He doesn't want to say yes, but no would be a lie, so he avoids. Or maybe you could say he is protecting his boundaries. Aug'10
I am seldom alone, but frequently lonely. How does that happen? Aug'10

Now there is a lightning storm. The rumbling thunder woke me up. I like the sound of the waves washing in and out like a pulse. And then, another layer of sound, electrically charged growling. And now the wind sighing through these concrete towers. It's still dark so I can't see the clouds. All of the thunder is being generated from the West.
It's getting lighter now and I can see that this stuff is soupy all the way down. The lightning illuminates a continuous dome of white. Guess I better check the weather. Aug '10

 That word, my word, determined, I've earned the right to choose a new word. Determined has so many other words attached to it ... Determined has brought me to here, and this is a good place, but maybe I can set determined aside. 15 March

I believe the time comes when we stand before God and give an accounting. I would really like to say to God " I did my best". Tonight I am asking God to show up and do His best.

It is a wonderful strange puzzling ... epic ... story. Here's this guy ten feet tall and bullet proof, living large ... and then folding ... and running for his life.
I've been thinking about all the lessons swirling around Elijah for several months now. I like that he "put himself out there" in service ... or maybe a better feel for it would be in submission to what God had planned for him. He had a full plate didn't he? I like to think of him mastering his human fears and pushing on. I like that,even for a guy like him, one day it was just too much ... . I like that God is like, Uhh, what are you doing Elijah? It's just funny to me. Elijah must have been pretty tired because, although he pulled it together and participated in some more of God's master plan, pretty soon in the Bible narrative he departs for a nice long break. I really like that he was on speaking terms with God ... and listening terms ... a real relationship. 23 February

“…before a dream is realized, the Soul of the World test everything that was learned along the way. It does this not because it is evil, but so that we can, in addition to realizing our dreams, master the lessons we’ve learned as we’ve moved toward that dream. It’s the point at which most people give up. It’s the point at which, as we say in the language of the desert, one ‘dies of thirst just when the palm trees have appeared on the horizon.’” -Paulo Coehlo 17 March

Things continue to shift and pause momentary not meaningfully nothing one might begin to count on. Like an image inside a kaleidoscope the slightest nudge may dramatically alter the entire view. ... I feel more peaceful and centered then I ever remember feeling. I feel calmer in this place of more turmoil. When I feel " that " begin to spool up around me I remind myself not to fret. I am grateful for the opportunity to learn this way. I am grateful for the lessons and the teachers. Aug '10

... and be mindful of what you are actually reaching for ... 18 March

The Bach quote presents another ... entirely different perspective. Rather then standing here looking at the divergent paths ... streams ... whatever ... . The decision of the choice is styled from a different place ... the place where your objective is met ... there. This quote is so interesting as a carrier of an idea because it is the converse of my working philosophy ... backwards ... and more likely to get me to where I want to go right? 26 March

"Power at its best is love implementing the demands of justice. Justice at its best is love correcting everything that stands against love."
~Martin Luther King, Jr., Where Do We Go from Here: Chaos or Community?, 1967

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that."
Martin Luther King, Jr. (Where's the love y'all? ... Black-eyed Peas)

"Everything that we see is a shadow cast by that which we do not see."
Martin Luther King, Jr.
17 Jan

Orion and I watched an airplane making it's way through the indigo velvet sky. A shooting star ... . Later, a salty mist blanketed the coast and I wrapped myself up tight in that green blanket/shawl that I drag around ... over fifty and suddenly partial to a green ba ba ...

"Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go." - T.S. Eliot
"Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace and gratitude." - Denis Waitley
"Be kinder than necessary, for everone you meet is fighting some kind of a battle ..." (unknown or James M Berrie)  23 March

Sunday night Thankful:
Great fun watching airplanes streak through the sky today ... Always special. 13 March

I realised this in the darkest part of the middle of the night ... Looking forward to dawn's earliest light. I am awake. Wide awake with a single thought: I'd so much rather have this hand full of ashes then an empty hand. I know in my heart that it's good when one has a dream, to reach your hand out blindly, as though through a cloud, in the direction of that dream. ... Ashes are good ... ashes remain after a fire runs its course.  25 March
"Dreams are illustrations... from the book your soul is writing about you." - Marsha Norman  16 March

Something has happened to re-cycle my circuits, so to speak. I feel great! I didn't realize that I didn't feel great most of the time already. I've heard that we have a seven year cycle or a five year or whatever they say it is ... I do not know, but I do know I feel better about everything kind of all of a sudden. I can't put my finger on it ... I would really like to, but ... I'm willing to just go with it. It's feels sort of like I just trust that things are as they should be. Love that!!! 28 March

My brother said something today that I want to remember. He said something like: maturity can take you to a place where you just feel feel bad for  the people who want to ding you ... 30 Mar

Life is ... very interesting. I actual like that it ... life ... isn't easy. How we negoiate difficult choices refines us. Is it like a refiner's fire ... the fires we chose? Or do they chose us? 30 March

I've been tired lately ... lately meaning this year. I feel rung out, but in a good way, like empty, but now serenely awaiting whatever comes next. I have enjoyed getting older ... I love the process of living.

I can see some of the needs in my own home ... that stress creates. I see also that I am more peaceful ... centered ... a more grown up me then I ever have been. I've begun to forget some of my broken pieces ... . God's work? Not sure, but it sure does seem to be. 1 April

The way to love someone is to lightly run your finger over that person's soul until you find a crack, and then gently pour your love into that crack. ~Keith MillerBoy, that is a wonderful ... loving ...quote isn't it? 4 April

My intent is to recycle the material in to something wonderful.  I have just about settled on the idea of sprinkling the colored glass and glazed pottery shards in gently swirling lines into wet concrete pathways ... when the concrete cures, the rough  edges of these pieces will be sanded, or buffed out, smoothed ... soothed.  It really can be quite unique ... quite complex and lovely ... like a life. I started saving these pieces before I imagined what might be created with them ... I didn't want broken things glued back together, unusable, but maybe still pretty if one didn't look too close.  On the other hand ... many of the broken things still held memories and ... beauty, however reconfigured. ( I don't think significantly more things are broken in my house then in most any other homes ... especially a home that has nurtured five very active children. ... this isn't at all about mourning broken treasures ..) 4 April

Where I live, the birds wake up first and I hear them calling to each other or maybe they just wake up happy and are giving thanks for that. 4 April

...skip the often treacherous conditions confronted during the boot strap climb,  skip the sore muscles, blisters rubbed raw, snapped pieces, frayed ends where a knot is now tied, cold shoulder frost icing over where something resembling love once warmed the heart, you know ... all that crappy stuff, skip the work/pain required by the climb ... and just fly there. 8 April

I've been awake now for about an hour and a half, so still under the covers listening to the fan (headphones are in another room or I'd be listening to music) and watching the pattern on my bedroom drapes appear. What will the day bring? I've been thinking about the things I'm thankful for. One "thankful" leads to another "thankful". The thankfuls intertwine ... Like the climbing rose I have so carefully trained to follow the roof line along the front porch to my home ... . 12 December

A schooner (so beautiful slicing through the water) would be too much boat for me to handle by myself ... I have an idea for a little hobi cat ... manageable and perfect for the Bay.  The Bay ... where the water is smooth and no more then a few feet deep.  (Yesterday, on the walk, AC/DC sang about swimming round and round in the deep end ... deep waters require a swimming buddy I believe.)  It's fun to think about what seems to be just the thing ... a small boat so I can feel the wind in my hair ... 1 April

It's raining here ... lightning flashed and I enjoyed it during the night ... honestly I kind of love it ... the science of natural energy ... you don't get to see that everyday.  I wasn't asleep.  I was awake, thinking. It was after twelve when I pulled the covers up and slept briefly. 30 March 
"You must have control of the authorship of your own destiny. The pen that writes your life story must be held in your own hand." ~Irene C. Kassorla  15 December
When things become difficult I get busy finding a way. Sometimes, "it" takes longer ...and I have learned this year that somethings are simply no gos and you gotta recognize that when you see it. Like that broken jar of peaches - I can't put glass shards back into a useful jar shape ... the peaches are lost ... somethings can't be undone. July '10
What were those five love languages? Time, physical touch, acts of service, words of affirmation, gifts. That's my preferred order. Time given, when someone gives you their time, they've given you something that they don't get back. It's linear. I remember times shared. I am changed by the gift of someone's time. It's a big deal to me. When someone gives time and when I give time June '10
Normally, I wear Ropers, or Vans ... I love my boots and Vans. Or I wear heels ... like the ladies who lunch. I saw these sandals and ... maybe I am turning in to those older ladies I see with the little purse pups and year 'round tans. Or maybe they just reminded me of Dorothy's glittery red slippers ... she could click her heels together ... and then what happened? I don't remember for sure, but I think ... oh, wait a minute here ... Toto was definitely a purse pup! Yes, there must be a link. It's going to take a really big bag to carry my dog, Sammy, around, but I think he would think that was just the thing! Or I could just enjoy my cute new shoes (they are definitely not black!).

Thursday, April 14, 2011

ATC ... seriously amusing ...
I know I said I was going to begin posting some notes from ground school here ... I need a place to keep myself current while I figure out a flight instructing job ... kinda a use it or lose it thing ... but I have been extremely busy with more pressing things this week.  I'll get to that as soon as I am able. 

Monday, April 11, 2011

Spoke with FI today.  This morning I received a note from one of the guys ... letting me know that this is his last day and where he's heading out to. This is the last of the CFI group that was part of my group ... as they hired new guys I stood aloof ... well, that's not exactly correct, I do particularly like two of the guys who are there, but  I knew them as CFI candidates back when I was working for this flight school.  I miss the camaraderie ... I miss pranking these guys ... laughing with and at them some too.  So, talk with FI ... he'll retire the end of this semester.  He had some advice ... don't know if I'll take it or not.  I'm fiftyplus ... have the luxury of not needing to work ... do have people who count on me for family things ... don't aspire to do much more then enjoy teaching a few people how to fly and maybe a little charter flying if it's not too aggravating.  I don't want to own my own airplane ... the fun of flying for me is primarily flying with another pilot.  Yes, I love to plan and execute the flight well ... I've noticed that I do most of the flying when I'm flying with another pilot on trips ... fiddling with the avionics and communicating with ATC is easier when I'm actually flying the airplane too.  But I guess mainly, I like the company of other pilots.  My husband does not particularly like to fly, and none of my five children have expressed an interest in learning how to. 
I'm tired of trying to make this work out.  I am really just tired in general ... . I am glad that I like to fly.  Flying is good.

So ... I've been kinda twiddling my thumbs since last November or so ... not teaching ground, not working with students ... not really flying very much either.  I did look very carefully for a job ... kinda been on hold.I have noticed just here in the past few days that I really do not wait well.  I don't really have anything interesting going on and except for walking Sammy and running errands for the family, I spend the days right at home pretty much alone.  I like people ... being alone has been nice but I miss just seeing people.
On Saturday I joined my husband on a business trip to a large city ... I dropped him off at 7:30 and headed over to Starbucks ... he told me to spend the day shopping, but I didn't buy a thing other then coffee and lunch ... I enjoyed watching people ... and someone approached me for what turned in to an hour lesson on how to use her new iPhone (that I could have passed on,but it was okay).  I spent the day thinking about how much trouble I could possible get myself in to when I am bored and lonely. Today I thought of what I might like to do for my next challenge.  I would like to take the dog and walk the trail, but, I really want truly want to do what is best for my family and being here is a big part of that!  So ... starting tomorrow, I am going to blog my notes on ... I think I'll start at the beginning with how to get started flying ... private ground school.

This collage was created by Two from photo contact sheet of pictures take in 1981 ... found during spring cleaning ... I remember this day fondly.

Friday, April 8, 2011

The way to love someone is to lightly run your finger over that person's soul until you find a crack, and then gently pour your love into that crack. ~Keith Miller
Boy, that is a wonderful ... loving ...quote isn't it?  Love.  The writer of one of the few blogs I read is writing thoughts on I Cor. 13  ... probably my favorite chapter of the Bible ... the summit, so to speak, where the air is the cleanest, the view is the most expansive, where a climb is completed.  I guess I'm a bit spoiled ... as a pilot I believe I can skip the drudgery of trudging one foot in front of the other all the slippery slope way up  ... skip the often treacherous conditions confronted during the boot strap climb,  skip the sore muscles, blisters rubbed raw, snapped pieces, frayed ends where a knot is now tied, cold shoulder frost icing over where something resembling love once warmed the heart, you know ... all that crappy stuff, skip the work/pain required by the climb ... and just fly there.  Fly there.  Fly there ...full power ... airspeed alive ... all instruments in the green.
God, I love to fly.  Thank you, God, for making me a person who can sit in that seat!   Please help me towards the self discipline that a walk with You requires ... thank you for creating within me,  a flyer  ... but, help me to walk/climb as You see fit, because God ... honestly ... I want to fly all the time ... and I know You know that ... and I know You know what's best for me ... all the time. 
... It's so hard to put on ones boots while kicking ... help me to be still
I like the looks of that air field in Sedona.  Several of my friends were recently over that way for a big sports event and came back buzzed about the coolness of Sedona.  It looks like you could depart and just let the mountain fall away ... Wow.  I don't feel like looking at the specifics of the airport right now, but looking at it from google earth several months ago, I thought it was one of the most beautiful airports ever ... . One of my former students has been doing some missionary flying ... those grass strips they land on are ... insane.  I'm noting this because I realize there are opportunities to land on mountains ... and there are people who have the experience and skill, the equipment to do just that. My life has predisposed me to seeing flat terrain as "normal" ... I notice mountains as different ... not as un-doable by any means, but I believe that a cow pasture is an landing strip waiting to happen where a mountain face is an accident waiting to happen ... yeah, that's how I think of them!  On one hand, a little bs, on the other, some serious shit. The NTSB reports are jammed with stories of CFIT.  I've read many of those reports ... and I can see that it takes more then cajones to successfully navigate in mountainous airspace. 
Mountains present problems ... uhmm is problematic sometimes ... frequently ... as well. The weather has been very super squirrelly (yeah, that's a weather word) around here.   It's been keeping me down and  I was very tempted to make a flight which was offered  ... something cool and so exciting ... a once in a life time sort of flight opportunity.  Maybe not once in a life time ... more like once in a blue moon.  As I got closer to committing ... well, I'd actually already said I would do it ...  I started really looking at the weather.  There was absolutely no way to make the flight without dancing with the devil while lightning flashed and TCUs piled up mountains of trouble ... the kind of mountains that no climber, no matter how skilled would be able to climb ... dancing with the devil and letting him chose the tune ... hmmm, what pilot would do that?  Not me.  No thanks ... have to step back from that ... reluctantly,but back for sure.  My flying buddy stepped back as well.  Thank God.  I've seen lines like that before ... even the big guys go around rather then through!
Pilots are a lot of things ... stupid usually isn't one of them.  I am laughing at that statement because the only times I've seen truly stupid seeping out of a pilot, it was being "dared" out of him/her by another pilot.  Does that make sense? (I say dared, but that isn't anywhere near the whole of it ... pilots like the rush that come with high stakes ... and that isn't the whole of it either.  Pilots like to live large ... I know I do, and I love to see it in others!  I understand, I totally get it now, why a moth is drawn to a flame ... it has nothing, and everything to do with stupid!)   Put a couple of pilots together with out a specific appropriate mission in mind and you might get that combustible mixture that I'm going to label "watch this here shit!" is like a burning hot flame that you want to fly through (with a fuse hanging out of your fuel  tank) ... we all know exactly what that looks like even if we've never seen it before. It's like a ride through the fire ... light me up baby.
That particular flight ... didn't go up.  How do you measure the regrets ... the disappointment ... of not getting to launch a flight that you know would have come down in pieces.  I guess sometimes you just gotta thank God for divine intervention ... and be mindful about daring the fates.

Note added 13 August someone said when the Bible says don't ... That we might hear that as don't hurt yourself on this ... stupid stuff hurts.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

One may understand the cosmos, but never the ego; the self is more distant than any star.
Gilbert K. Chesterton

Hmmm ... thinking about,and noting here on the topic of self/ego for a while now.   There isn't time to do much more then add a few notes here for myself today.  I am doing seasonal cleaning in my home and as I do, it seems that process is taking place in my soul.  Who knew ...  so many cluttered catch alls ... smudge marks ... dust bunnies hiding behind an under tended psyche ... bet we all have the drawer where anything and everything might be found ... if you could just lay your hands on it when  you really need it!

I am looking out my window, past the rose vine which is now covered with  fragrant little pink blooms ... a mother bird is hidden in the vines, her nest resting on thorns, but she has carefully "feathered" it to support her objective.  I'd like to know how many eggs she is caring for ... but it seems more important to let her do her job in peace!  Can she smell the roses?  Is she safe there hidden in open view?  Watching the process is one of my favorite pleasures this time of year ... I hope I am here to see her babies leave the nest.  It is a time of wonder.  We have a huge front lawn carpeted in beautiful grass ... I do not know the variety, just that it is nicer then the grass in Texas ... the dogwoods and red buds are blooming now and our pecan tree is leafing out ... spring here is glorious.  The across the street neighbor's yard service came yesterday morning while I was outside weeding my front beds ... I am a woman who loves a precisely trimmed curb ... and the sidewalk leading up to the front door while you're at it please!  We let our yard service go at the beginning of last summer and bought a mower.  It seems like the right thing to do ... teach the kids the responsibilities that home ownership requires ... that's working out pretty well, but ... mowers don't edge ... truth is ... weed eaters really don't edge well either, I know that because I do the weed eater gig.  I have priced edgers ... they are kinda costly for an operation that plans on moving to the beach within the next few growing seasons ... not much call for an edger at the beach!  Last year I negotiated with a yard crew to stop by my house to do the edging twice a month ... five bucks  was their asking price (I always tipped them another five and a couple of my husband's ice cold beers if I was home when they did the work ... otherwise I'd leave cash in an envelope on the front porch on the day they were expected ... ).  That particular group graduated from college and sold their customer list ... I'm not a fan of the new guys so back to square one on that little big deal. I'm laughing at myself here, because I should be looking out my window at the bird nest in the rose vine. I really should clip a few blooms for the table here.  But.  I am looking across the street at that perfectly groomed edge.  Yeah, I visited with the head honcho for the guys who did the neighbor's yard yesterday ... he called his boss before asking me what I was thinking a job like that was worth ... I said five bucks got it done last year ... twice a month.  He said the boss said ten and I shrugged  before I told him ten bucks for a five minute job was too much money (in Spanish ... thought that would earn some points). Negotiations broke down shortly after that ... why didn't I just say ... okay (and keep the beer chilled for the husband) ...

My time here is up ... guess that is my most pressing issue today ... coulda shoulda been handled yesterday morning!  I miss flying those little one day charter flights where taking care of the PAX and plane was clearly the objective ... where if that went well, the day got a gold star.  There aren't very many gold star days when one's most pressing activities are ... pressing laundry and stumbling through the maze of housewifery

And if I don't get really busy now, I won't be able to justify that long walk with ole Sammybo. I'm learning to keep a running list of what I do all day so that when the day is done, I can see where it went ... that actually helps! I'm going to go gather a few of those sweet little roses ... .

Monday, April 4, 2011

"Here is my scientific proof of God that has my most vehement atheist friends writhing.

First, imagine throwing a baseball. Using simple kinematic equations of physics, we can predict the ball’s exact trajectory by knowing the initial conditions such as the balls mass, size, and acceleration. Obviously, the ball is not alive and cannot move on its own volition, so the ball is completely deterministic to us. In this sense, we are godlike relative to the ball. Our limited understanding of physics allows us to predict things for large objects such as planets as well as medium size objects such as baseballs, but when we get down to the atomic level, our predictive power becomes meaningless due to quantum mechanical effects, where the motion of electrons are all probabilistic.

If we extrapolate the ball’s trajectory to that of all humans, it seems feasible that there might be some kind of “alien” that has a more complete understanding of physics than we do. In short, what appears as quantum mechanical randomness to us is actually just a subset of a complex physical model that we have yet to discover. Albert Einstein spent the last half of his life trying to figure out the model behind quantum mechanics, and was a firm believer in the idea that “God does not play with dice”. Because the “alien” has complete knowledge over our trajectory, s/he also has complete power over us in the same way we have complete knowledge and power over the baseball. This alien would thus be godlike relative to us.
After writing this, I don’t think it is a proof of God, but rather a disproof of the atheistic belief. After all, something had to throw the baseball to get it moving, just like something or someone had to create our universe to get it in motion."

Thought shared.  I'm still toying with the ideas ... thanks for the fun B.

"I am trying here to prevent anyone saying the really foolish thing that people often say about Him: I’m ready to accept Jesus as a great moral teacher, but I don’t accept his claim to be God. That is the one thing we must not say. A man who was merely a man and said the sort of things Jesus said would not be a great moral teacher. He would either be a lunatic — on the level with the man who says he is a poached egg — or else he would be the Devil of Hell. You must make your choice. Either this man was, and is, the Son of God, or else a madman or something worse. You can shut him up for a fool, you can spit at him and kill him as a demon or you can fall at his feet and call him Lord and God, but let us not come with any patronizing nonsense about his being a great human teacher. He has not left that open to us. He did not intend to."
~C.S. Lewis
"Atheism turns out to be too simple. If the whole universe has no meaning, we should never have found out that it has no meaning..."  also ~C.S.Lewis
Everyone has a favorite time of day, don't they?  I love mornings when everything is new ... or at least rested. Where I live, the birds wake up first and I hear them calling to each other or maybe they just wake up happy and are giving thanks for that.  Sammy barks early every morning at walkers in my neighbor,hood getting a little cardio in before a day at the office.  He and I will be walking in the wee hours this summer ... my schedule changes dramatically when my kids are out of school and the summer whirl begins.  I have realized while I type, that I will have summer specific activities with only one of my children this year ... Five ... life is changing again for me.  ... Hmmm,this is funny ... Three and I are still at home today.  He is able to leave later for school then the rest of my family must.  Here I am all settled in with the laptop and a cup, not just a cup, but that cup, of delicious first cup of the week, the house is quiet now, break before a long day of house keeping, coffee.  Suddenly, he needs to see the orthopedist, gotta check that golden arm of his ... and I'm not saying that facetiously ... . Three pitches left handed and always has ... he is a right handed young man ... very steady, very calculating, without any of the "flakiness" said to be inherent in lefties.  He trains like someone who has a eye on college baseball, but says his major of choice will preclude play.  My kid's first word was ball ... highly unusual ... or maybe not, one identifies a label for where ones needs are met ... usually, that first word is momma.  We'll see ... so far he is not biting on baseball after High School ...he's already been accepted to his first choice University.  The arm is the first pop up activity of the week for me.
The doctor's office number is in my phone and I still have an hour before they will begin taking calls ... .  

Saturday was a sweet day ... Science Olympiad activities with my youngest.  She organized her schedule of events, and I basically followed her around watching the laughter that danced in her eyes.  I can't remember how many of these particular events I have chaperoned, but, a bunch!  She was notably self efficient ... directing me to wait there or that I had time to hit the campus Starbucks, and btw extra cream for hers!  She's ten ... before Saturday, she did not drink coffee.  She told me just a bit of caffeine would boost her performance ... .

So, watching on Saturday, gave me time to do a little thinking.  Those thoughts are what I want to note here today.

I have journaled about broken pieces, and I have been happy that rather then just throw broken things out, I save them (Okay ... just to be specific, I'm talking about broken pottery, glassware ... vessels. And I do see those items as analogous to the parts of us that get dinged, or become broken as we live our lives.).  My intent is to recycle the material in to something wonderful.  I have just about settled on the idea of sprinkling the colored glass and glazed pottery shards in gently swirling lines into wet concrete pathways ... when the concrete cures, the rough  edges of these pieces will be sanded, or buffed out, smoothed ... soothed.  It really can be quite unique ... quite complex and lovely ... like a life. I started saving these pieces before I imagined what might be created with them ... I didn't want broken things glued back together, unusable, but maybe still pretty if one didn't look too close.  On the other hand ... many of the broken things still held memories and ... beauty, however reconfigured. ( I don't think significantly more things are broken in my house then in most any other homes ... especially a home that has nurtured five very active children. ... this isn't at all about mourning broken treasures ... I ascribed to the notion of the importance of people, not things ... things are intended to be enjoyed by people.)

I'm running out of time here ... so quickly to note:  Some of the pieces in my container of broken things ... out in the garage ... some of the pieces are still really big pieces ... like a beautiful green glass platter that was broken cleanly in half ... it calls me back to what I wanted it to be, rather then what it might become (It will never be a platter again, but it might become more then broken pieces ... it could become something I value more then the platter). See, the deal is this ... adventures of the soul ... there's not an app for this ... no manual ... no guidebooks.  I personally believe we are collaborating with who I call God  ... my soul's first word ...  we create ourselves with the choices we make.  Some of our "material" is broken, and that is not a bad/sad thing at all ... small pieces add up to big  (the big we're building) ... big pieces are a lot less malleable because they already are something.  This makes perfect sense to me.

Friday, April 1, 2011

I have a lot on my mind these days ...

A lot goes into keeping this boat that merrily, merrily, merrily ... rows gently down the stream ... .  We almost bought a ride on a schooner last time we were at the coast.  A schooner (so beautiful slicing through the water) would be too much boat for me to handle by myself ... I have an idea for a little hobi cat ... manageable and perfect for the Bay.  The Bay ... where the water is smooth and no more then a few feet deep.  (Yesterday, on the walk, AC/DC sang about swimming round and round in the deep end ... deep waters require a swimming buddy I believe.)  It's fun to think about what seems to be just the thing ... a small boat so I can feel the wind in my hair ... a small house where I  can rest ... . There seems to be a melancholy  here that I do not truly feel ... pretty sure ... I just don't want more then I can take good care of.  I don't want to sweep up every one's broken pieces ... I want to create a wonderful pathway, sprinkled with pretty little mosaic pieces, around a little garden where I can meander and eventually sit down at the end of a day.

I am walking my dog on very long (for him) walks.  We leave the house and walk a mile or so up to the campus ... through campus and over to the small business district ... people are beginning to come out of their shops to say hello (to him ... I keep a pair of dark glasses on ... ear buds in ... I need my walks to stay kind of quiet ... but I do stop briefly, and Sammy eats the attention up).  We walk for at least two hours a day.  The walk motivates me to get my house things tended to early in the morning before the day gets away.  I am still chewing on the idea of a walk along the AT ... a walk in the woods.  Sammy will have to be in better shape for that ... wait 'til he finds out that he'll have to carry his own food!  I have kept the walk confined  to with in a five mile radius of my home ... if my dog conks out, there is no way I can carry or drag him ... he outweighs me already and we anticipate another 20 to 30 pounds over the next three years ... he is still a puppy really.  I like to change the walk up, because he senses that I know where we are going, even if he doesn't ... helpful for him if we do do the Trail.
This morning I looked at a previous post of mine ... these words jumped out at me:  " Casual conversations in the elevator with strangers. He's tired. I could see the lines around his eyes. How often is he away from the life he's working for? Is he home enough to make all the away - okay?"

Casual conversations in the elevator with strangers. He's tired. I could see the lines around his eyes. How often is he away from the life he's working for? Is he home enough to make all the away - okay? 23 Sept. when I go looking for it later.

My husband is so busy making money that he has recently forgotten to pay a bill on time.  I have volunteered as much help in that area as he will accept ... so far to no avail ... I don't see the inner workings of our finances.  That is definitely one of the pitfalls of being a full time home-maker. A power dynamic tends to evolve, and the junior partner is left to do the bitch work.  Haha ... it's just how it is ... the FOs experience rides on the Captain's disposition.  The money I might have earned as a flight instructor might have paid for that catamaran after Uncle Sam got his cut ... and I found a great deal on eBay!  I am not fretting the lack of a job in flight training ... for one thing, I am certain that I have done everything I reasonably can ... .  Other things make unemployment  make a lot more sense then me working eight hour days and some evenings. My priorities have names ... one of them still has the sweetest freckles I've ever seen!

I am listening to that Steel Magnolia song ... currently number six on the accompanying play list ... what ever made me thing I didn't like country music?! 

Is he home enough to make all the away - okay?  It must be pretty difficult to find the balance ... how do you answer a question like that?  These long walks ... when I turn the music off ... shed the distractions ... questions like that inch forward ... out of my subconscious mind.  I know every one deals with their version of that question.  I can see some of the needs in my own home ... that stress creates.  I see also that I am more peaceful ... centered ...  a more grown up me then I ever have been. I've begun to forget some of my broken pieces ... .  God's work?  Not sure, but  it sure does seem to be. 

Casual conversations ... in elevators ... in defined spaces ... outside the coffee shops while I walk my dog ... friends reaching for what?  Connection?  What's missing?  Basic human warmth and companionship however intensely casual?  ... and now ... my dog is barking ... big bass baritone woof woofs ... I know what he's thinking.