The way to love someone
is to lightly run your finger over that person's soul
until you find a crack,
and then gently pour your love into that crack.
~Keith Miller

Monday, April 30, 2012

"Have the courage to act instead of react." ~ Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

This morning I am trying to run down a quote I particularly like from the book HOUSE (Kidder) which I am currently reading.  Kinda aggravating ... one expects to type the quote in to the search box and get immediate results ... ummm, not so much this morning. The art of civilization is the act of drawing lines.  Something like that.  Well, first of all ... House ... excellent book and I am enjoying reading it.  Next. Oliver Wendell Holmes ... has lots of interesting stuff to say.  Both Jr. and Sr.  and that is neat.

I don't feel as fabulous today as I usually feel.  I have a headache ... and I feel sick at my stomach ... and I feel aggravated about stuff that usually doesn't bother me very much, if at all.  I have the living room almost empty and ready to start getting ready to be painted.  I am leaning towards a darker grey for the wall.  We have never had dark paint on the wall before.  It's a different sensibility and ... I am afraid it will make the room seem smaller ... but I'm interested in trying it out.  I do like the warmth of darker rooms and all the fabrics in that room are very light colors.  I'm starting to see why old people don't change their stuff around.  I'm also planning to paint a large ... probably 4'X4' skyscape ... am I making a word up?  I notice the auto correct lights up on that word.  I'm going to paint a picture of the sky.  I think it will be perfect on a dark wall.  I haven't chosen an inspiration piece yet, but I am looking for the one.  I like to paint sky.  And, I have another large painting in mind ... some thing like this.  I was trying to get one of my kids to paint something for their place on a 4x8 piece of sheetrock ... and stand it up against a wall rather then hang it.  Now I see how potentially fragile that could be.  A picture like this would look right that large and could even be behind a chest like this ... I think, we'd have to see it.  Seems like it would work in my oldest kid's loft.

Kind of an earth and sky type thing ... this painting is too big for the chest under it ... I think, but might have been interesting in front of a bigger painting ... like an oversized fabric headboard ... or maybe totally not.  

Saturday, April 28, 2012

“Spring passes and one remembers one's innocence.
Summer passes and one remembers one's exuberance.
Autumn passes and one remembers one's reverence.
Winter passes and one remembers one's perseverance.”
Yoko Ono

Friday, April 27, 2012

"A dream that is not interpreted is like a letter that is not read."- Talmud

Well ... the local weather reporting station is down ... even when it's operating it's a bit marginal on accuracy.  The ceiling looks low, I noticed when I was out earlier this morning.  Trying to decided whether to drive or walk to the pottery studio this morning.  I don't want to get caught out in the rain ... though it really doesn't matter.  Area stations are reporting  900 OVC ... it is solid ... and muggy.  19/17 ... hmmm ... well, they say the mercury is rising ... and I don't think we will heat up enough for showers this morning.

This weekend is a City Festival of Arts and other stuff ... like a bird of prey display and the Fire Chief will probably roll the smokehouse ... people will bring their dogs and little kids will slip out of their sandals and run races with each other and eat cotton candy.  It's a good day in a small town ... craft booths and such.  Last year I bought a few small pottery pieces and admired stained glass and ... looked at rinkydink bottle trees and smiled about the collection of colored bottles I had going for the magnificent tree I imagined my brother would weld together for me at the beach.  Hmmm.  It's not going to go that way.  I should get those bottle out of here ... and, now I know that broken pieces of colored glass can be melted on to the bottom of a pottery vessel.  Now I do pottery ... I wasn't expecting that either.  I should break those bottles.  One is a Tanqueray bottle ... I love that green color.  I like gin and tonic during the summer ... and green layer of glass would be very lovely on a serving platter ... kinda fun.

My FTS switch is jiggling a bit in regards to flying stuff.  There's gotta be a way for me to fly.  Cirrus has sent two "Hey, we want CFIs to fly our planes" notes just last week.  I don't want to "pretend" for some air time.  It's getting about time for me to decide on how I'm going to handle currency stuff.

an all white Orca
pod photographed off coast of Russia
image via Pinterest ~ idk
Well ... time to get to walking.  Walking time.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

I joined my husband at a cocktail party one night last week.  Our host greeted me warmly saying, "You must be very proud of him ... " And then smiling towards my husband " ... the man of the hour."  Words like those embarrass my husband.  I stepped closer to the host, briefly touching his shoulder, "Y'all have a wonderful team here." I smiled looking around ... looking for the place to sit ... two drinks my husband had said before and then we will go to this other engagement.  I was to do the drinking ... he was to drive.

While he was shaking hands around the small group, I found a spot for us where I thought he would be most comfortable and was barely situated when a server asked me for my drink request.  "I like martinis" I said, "but for tonight I'd like try something different ... maybe something I've never had before."   He shot back "How 'bout bourbon, Bud back." Cute. Excellent attempt ... unfortunately I'd heard it before and he, looking right at me, saw it on my face.  Quick as I can ... a smile, "Who says I didn't grow up on that?!" Around us everyone laughs, but the kid can see he stepped in something. "I think maybe vodka ... please tell the bar tender extra dirty."  I try to silently communicate to him that this won't adversely affect his tip. Vodka martini, slushy with ice crystals and golden brine ... very low voltage I discover on the first sip ... perfect for this little party.

Daddy and his brothers drank Budweiser, the king of beers ... and bourbon, when they were together, though my dad privately preferred scotch.  My memories of bourbon and Bud should be all good.  I don't drink it.  I don't drink beer and I don't drink bourbon (... though I have eaten more then my share of deliciously seductive bourbon infused confections at a "church" Christmas party of all places. The other women acted scandalized but I just made good on my words ... more for me).

Bourbon and Bud.  I rode to my brother's funeral with my dad's twin brother.  I was sitting in the back seat leaning forward with my head on his shoulder while he drove.  My aunt passed him a flask. It seems so strange now, but back then everything was different.   Back then, in rural Texas at least, it wasn't uncommon for a man to be sipping on a cold one while he drove, maybe discretely wrapped in a tiny brown paper sack ... or maybe fresh from the ice cooler he kept in the back of his truck.  My uncle had Bud on his breath, and possibly a beer in his hand, I don't remember.  He knocked back a shot of bourbon straight from the flask and offered it over the seat to me in one fluid motion, saying "Here, this will steady you."  I demurred.  I didn't think my momma needed to smell liquor on me on top of everything else that day.  And ... I didn't think a shot of anything would steady me.

Bourbon and Bud always reminds me of funerals.

On the drive to the next thing I told my husband about that old memory leaping out from where ever it has been stored.  I told him I only drink booze at happy times, not sad times and he said, "People handle things in all different ways."  Maybe I sounded judgmental.  That day ... and later if I thought about it ... I wouldn't have thought one way or the other about anyone else drinking.  What I am really trying to think about today is what my husband said, that people handle things in all different ways.
I'm trying to see how I have handle things and how I might handle things maybe a little bit more effectively.

 I think my main strategy is to ignore the stuff that I don't know how to handle.  I "park it" somewhere and maybe I think about it, or maybe I don't.  I think I see time as a modifier of messes ... and I think I see my most immediate responses to messes as bigger mess making.  I have learned that what I might say in response to a mess isn't necessarily productive.  I am a closet hothead ... highly flammable if I just let myself go ... so I don't,  rarely I do ... but always with regrets.  Silence isn't great either though because later it seems like it didn't bother me very much even though it really really really did.  I should figure that out.   That's what my kid was observing a few weeks ago ... Zen Master of Denial.  Not exactly.  Seems like it, but it's actually not that at all.  It's not denial, I just don't always know what to do about stuff.  No one does ... not all the time.  My Dad said you play the hand you're dealt.  Maybe I am just someone who needs time to look at my cards ... I've never liked table games.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Grey paint in den ... light grey paint on the ceiling ... I like this and it is worth the effort ... now the sandy color looks very yellow ... We are busy trying to choose the right color for the walls in the foyer and living room.


Butterfly wing ~ idk who took the photo, I found it on line
Why here?
When I was very young, three or maybe four, my older brother told me
to never ever touch a butterfly's wing.  He said that butterflies have
 magic on their wings and that is why they are able to fly.
 If I touch their magic will I be able to fly?  I whispered my question.
Serious discussions such as this were conducted quietly.
I have always remembered his answer.
He was certain.
Touching their wings takes away their magic, but the magic just disappears.
And the butterfly dies.
We have to find our own magic if we want to fly.
true story... I miss him very much)

Greed is a bottomless pit which exhausts the person in an endless effort to satisfy the need without ever reaching satisfaction. ~Erich Fromm

I was thinking that greed is almost systemic in our culture.  We have little need to want for essentials ... and there is so much bounty in clean air, easily accessible clean water ... variety in food.  It's so easy to take it for granted that being thankful is not quite that heartfelt.  I heard an example which I'll remember here ... 

I give my neighbor a dollar and he is maybe surprised ... embarrassed ... maybe he is pleased.  He thanks me.  Next day I give him a dollar ... and this goes on for a while.  My gift becomes part of our routine up til the day that I don't show up with the dollar ... eventually the neighbor asks me where his money is ... I have missed several days.  

Whoever told the story did a lot better job of it then I just did, but ... the point is I receive gifts routinely ... it is easy to begin to feel entitled rather where I might do better to feel grateful.  And I'm not trying to feel guilty here for all the really good stuff, just noticing that in many areas I am unselfconsciously "entitled" and in fact ... I want ... more. "This plus", "That and" ... . 

As I drove home from the local grocery store I was thinking about greed.  There is a lot of food housed there.  Lots of variety.  The cilantro was what I went in for and ... well, we really needed it to make lunch just right.  No big deal.  

This is how that went ... I woke up this morning and in right after saying good-morning to my husband I asked him what he wanted for breakfast.  Pancakes are his favorite ... usually.  I like to get him to thinking about what he would like for me to prepare for him because I think it helps start his day out nicely.  I think it makes him smile while he is shaving ... I know I love to smell my coffee.  Breakfast ... not so much but coffee, definitely ... I have the luxury of deferring meals because food is readily available.  I have the luxury of encouraging my husband to flip through a wide range of menu possibilities ... the ingredients are ready and waiting.  He chose French Toast.  The only thing worse for him then pancakes ... . I worry about that rather then where the next meal is coming from.

I was thinking about how I have always asked my children, not is that enough? but ... would you like more? ... more, please ... . 

Heck yeah we want more ... we all want more.  I think this is greed.  I think I have subtly been teaching ... nurturing ... greed.  You know ... everyone works hard at their jobs around here.  We make choices that put choices in the pantry and refrigerator.  There is no shame in that. And ... 

I was thinking about how on Sundays I like to serve dessert, it makes the meal seem even more like an occasion.  Hmmm, what should I make this week ... the bananas are ripening.  No one has wanted cereal this week.  Three loves banana pudding ... and Five adores whip cream on anything.  

I can hear them ... "Would you pass the potatoes (hopefully) please ... Mom, what's for dessert?"

I didn't realize ... .  We know we are fortunate. We know we got a head start in good fortune and we try to value that good fortune. We know that good fortune is partly a by-product of work and we are thankful for the work done for us and the ability to work.  Thinking about greed is overdue though.  Mindless consumption might be the same thing as greed.  I am thinking about it.

I know it takes a lot of time to acquire and maintain "more".  I can see greed shaping lives that might have been better spent.  Not just greed for money or power ... just greed ... an insatiable drive for more.  It positions one to keep reaching, pushing, grasping ..."inging".  It's a high price to pay for something that won't satisfy.

The curse of the romantic is a greed for dreams, an intensity of expectation that, in the end, diminishes the reality. ~ Marya Mannes

“He who is not contented with what he has, would not be contented with what he would like to have.”
~ Socrates

“So the unwanting soul
sees what's hidden,
and the ever-wanting soul
sees only what it wants.”
 ~ Lao Tzu

Greed is what ... ? heedless self-interest?  (Roosevelt)

“That same night, I wrote my first short story. It took me thirty minutes. It was a dark little tale about a man who found a magic cup and learned that if he wept into the cup, his tears turned into pearls. But even though he had always been poor, he was a happy man and rarely shed a tear. So he found ways to make himself sad so that his tears could make him rich. As the pearls piled up, so did his greed grow. The story ended with the man sitting on a mountain of pearls, knife in hand, weeping helplessly into the cup with his beloved wife's slain body in his arms.”  ~ Khaled Hosseini, The Kite Runner

Greed: n. excessive or rapacious desire, especially for wealth or possessions. whose opposite is generosity.

There is a very fine line between loving life and being greedy for it.” ~ Maya Angelou

butterfly black white and shades of grey
image found on Pinterest  ~ idk

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

The Art of Henry Domke

Today I've been painting ceilings (very light grey ... like a sea salt) and re-setting my boards on Pinterest.
Before I had just been randomly dropping images ... little homey sort of things mostly ... and airplane things ... then maybe a couple of recipes ... and a dress picture sent to me by a friend ... all lumped together in "Cool Stuff".  Then ... I wanted to find something specific and I saw how disorganized my electronic stack was ... so, I figured out how to set up a variety of "boards" and I'm sorting ... I am sorting my on-line clutter, on my on-line bulletin boards.  I love that ... no need to dust.

~ Henry Domke
This is the unfortunate part of sitting down with Pinterest ... (hey, it's break time while my arms rest ... ceilings are slow going) ... I have seen and pinned a ton of new images ... (instead of sorting) mostly from Henry Domke.  I love the way he chooses to look at things.  His work is beautiful.  I feel so fortunate to have the opportunity to relax with his images.  The link above is to his site.  I am saving visits to these galleries for very special treats.

~ Henry Domke

Monday, April 23, 2012

Kingfisher ~ Gisela Delpho
How 'bout these words ...

"Eventually, we begin to see that this very process of self-examination is it; discovery is not so much about the thing discovered but about discovery itself.  The Corps of Discovery discovered nothing but themselves.  In doing so, they discovered us."
~ Ken Burns ~ last few lines of the Preface to LEWIS & CLARK

 These words moved me and I go back to them.  I am wondering lately about these large scale adventures ... even in listening to the book Jarhead which doesn't seem to be heading towards anything grand, I can see how time spent in large clumps shapes us.  We see what we are made of and then I think we want to use it.  These explorers discovered themselves ... I don't doubt it, but I believe they also became "themselves" during the spending of these days.  They were building the stores from which they were able to begin, carry on and complete this portion of their lives ... and the rest of their lives as they lived out their days. It's easy to see that people rise to challenges.  Falling Upward talks about offering who we find ... back.  Discovery then an offering.
Last night I enjoyed looking at clay pots on Pinterest.  I was thinking about the process.  Starts out as mud that is carefully ... skillfully ... shaped in to a container.  I am in the trial and error stage of wheel throwing.  Big visions ... little skill to support them!  We haven't fired one single piece from our class yet. Last night I imagined us all standing around as our efforts came out of the fire ... some will be whole ... others will be cracked, maybe some cracked beyond repair.  You just never know what might happen in the kiln, it's a dangerous time for pottery.  After that I think at least two more trips through the fire with protective and decorative glazing.  And what will we discover from the process.  Wondering which of mine will survive ... from which might I drink ... which will store pencils ... .  I am very happy for the opportunity to get to experience this process.  It's so easy to stock my shelves with plates and bowls ... mass produced but valued just the same.  And I can't wait to see what makes it home from the studio this semester.  I am investing in my little pieces.  Little vessels of clay.
I strain to imagine the entire process of creating a vessel which might choose all for itself to house the Spirit of the Living God.
How can one imagine themselves useless, or forgotten?
I am thinking about the heat of the fire ... the tempering of the clay ... the process from mud to ... prized.

Different topic ... Greed is my next vice to think about and I am thinking about it.  The big shock on looking specifically at this list of vices is how pervasive they are in my life ... and I am actually trying to "do right".  I am a mess.  I can see that trying to do or be better is not quite getting it.  I yield to God ... the untangle-r of naughtiness.

And ... House.  I have a copy of it close at hand.  It is a wonderful story.

I remember just a few months ago when I had no idea what to read ... and now, so many wonderful books to help me think about stuff.  It amazes me how different they are, yet seeming to support a central theme.
Creepy-cool.  They provide me with a "place" to think about some stuff I've been putting off.
The clay of me wasn't strong enough to hold it ... I needed to go through some fire.  Now it seems I rest ... and I imagine God is figuring out some nice finishing option.  So far so good ... I know I am cracked, but I saw some filling, sealing, in of those cracks recently ... I didn't think that was even possible and now ... well, if that was possible (and it was),  there's no telling what could happen.

The way to love someone is to lightly run your finger over that person's soul until you find a crack, and then gently pour your love into that crack. ~Keith Miller

I'm starting to think we were conceived to hold the over flow of God's love.  Each one of us a love story being spoken.

Maybe just like I love my children ... that particular love story didn't exist before they did ... and my capacity to love has expanded with our family and continues to develop.  I never love them less only more.  Oh yeah, I am aggravated with them ... and them with me, no doubt. And ... I didn't create them, I just get to help a bit.  It is impossible to imagine God's doings in/with us.

Well ... I gotta get to the day.  Monday ... lots to do!

A couple of careless seconds to break ... a stack of careful minutes to repair.

It is possible to spend an entire Saturday morning replacing broken glass ... the bulk of the that time was probably spent acquiring the new glass. The trim pieces which hold the glass had to come out and be sanded ... I kept the brads in wherever possible, but ended up adding new finishing nails anyway so it really didn't matter. Next step was to clean out old putty ... scrape and sand ... there were tiny splinters of glass mixed in too.  Then, apply a nice pad of DAP.  Some people use points to hold the glass in  place, but I think the adhesive putty does just fine (plus I have broken many a pane if glass tapping in points ... and doing this little job reminded me of how much I love my new windows!) Next ... the tricky part and I was very happy to have some help here.  All four of the trim pieces had to be aligned and wedged back in to place together.  I would have tried to fit them one at a time culminating in a big fail ... they simply don't fit unless they are "snugged" all together initially  and coaxed back in with a sledge.  "What?! A sledge hammer!"  I was very surprised when L asked me to go get it from the garage.  He said the weight of it would save time and frustration.  The pieces did fall to the floor several times. Once the pieces were "in" I was able to push them all the way back to the glass with my hands.  Then I tapped the finishing nails in to place and cleaned up the putty which was pressed through on the inside.  The area will need to be wood putty-ed and repainted to finish the job.
A couple of careless seconds to break ... a stack of careful minutes to repair.  Three made that little hammer in some High School shop class ... I enjoy working with it.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

image from Pinterest ... idk

Don’t walk behind me; I may not lead. Don’t walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend.

Some people never think.  When they think they only rearrange their prejudices.
Attributed to Bishop Naphtali Luccock  (1853 — 1916).

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
-- William James (1842 – 1910)
[Thinking is] what a great many people think they are doing when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.  ~William James
For those who do not think, it is best at least to rearrange their prejudices once in a while.  ~Luther Burbank (1849 – 1926)

A small mind is obstinate. A great mind can lead and be led.
-- Alexander Cannon

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
-- Martin Fischer

Begin challenging your own assumptions.  Your assumptions are your windows on the world.  Scrub them off every once in awhile, or the light won't come in.  ~Alan Alda

The forceps of our minds are clumsy things and crush the truth a little in the course of taking hold of it.  ~H.G. Wells

Belief is when someone else does the thinking.  ~Buckminster Fuller, 1972
Believing is easier than thinking.  Hence so many more believers than thinkers.  ~Bruce Calvert

The world we have created is a product of our thinking; it cannot be changed without changing our thinking.  ~Albert Einstein

At a certain age some people's minds close up; they live on their intellectual fat.  ~William Lyon Phelps

One cannot think crooked and walk straight.  ~Author Unknown

He who will not reason is a bigot; he who cannot is a fool; and he who dares not is a slave.  ~William Drummond
“Language shapes the way we think, and determines what we can think about.” — Benjamin Lee Whorf

image from Pinterest ... idk
these look like the sculptural glass platters we saw in Seaside last summer
I would like to "do" something like this in pottery class, but ... with a bit more restraint on the color palette .
very nice ... I'll tag it as soon as I know who the artist is

Thursday, April 19, 2012

The 5 Love Languages  (Gary Chapman)

Words of affirmation
Quality time
Receiving gifts
Acts of service
Physical touch

assessment tools  from his site

figures of speech

Greed is up next, but  don't really want to write about greed this morning ... I am thinking about other stuff.  So ...

paradox... a sniper's gun can keep him alive/if he weren't there with his gun he would not need a gun (on a personal level, not as a job which must be done): puzzle, anomaly, riddle

analogy ... similarity, comparison, parallel
 ... implicit comparison of two dissimilar things which have something in common ... not sure how this is different from a metaphor ...
 Metaphor is when you use two nouns and compare or contrast them to one another. Unlike simile, you don't use "like" or "as" in the comparison. (think quest)
 Metaphor is when you use two nouns and compare or contrast them to one another. Unlike simile, you don't use "like" or "as" in the comparison. (Stanford ... linked)

  1. oh ... here is what I'm looking for top 20 figures of speech ... some of these I remember ... some are new words to me

  • alliteration selling seashells by the seashore
  • anaphora  I have a dream ...
  • antithesis It was the best of times. It was the worst of times. ...
  • apostrophe where an inanimate is addressed as though "it" understands ...they cite "hello darkness my old friend ... "  maybe this is like "talking to the wall"  hmmm ... Not like the chorus in Greek drama ... Harvey?  idk ... I'm gonna have to think about this one.
  • assonance repetition of "same" sounds (vowel sounds)
  • chiasmus new word for me ... ex. "never be kissed by a fool, never let a kiss fool you", or this one ... comfort the disturbed, disturb the comforted.  I like it. “Be Fearful When Others Are Greedy and Greedy When Others Are Fearful” ~ Warren Buffet (Hmmmm)
  • euphemism substituting "easy words" for emotionally charged words ... or images, as enhanced interrogation rather then torture, ummm ... my sniper show is rife with euphemisms  acquire and neutralize the target ... marginalize, pre-owned, mis-spoke ... 
  • hyperbole an amplification of reality ... exaggeration
  • irony contradictory ... incongruity 
  • litotes hmmm ... new to me and I don't understand it clearly enough to "get" it the showed a quote by O.J. Simpson from a paid appearance at a horror comic book show "I am not here for my health." that I get, but don't know how to describe 
  • metaphor bridging to the unfamiliar with the familiar ... a comparison of what is understood as a way of grasping new information ... ummm maybe unspeakable stories dressed up in masquerade 
  • metonymy
  • onomatopoeia
  • oxymoron
  • paradox
  • personification
  • pun
  • simile
  • synecdoche
  • understatement
"favorite" thing I saw today:
"We're conceived in irony. We float in it from the womb. It's the amniotic fluid. It's the silver sea. It's the waters at their priest-like task, washing away guilt and purpose and responsibility. Joking but not joking. Caring but not caring. Serious but not serious." (Hilary in The Old Country by Alan Bennett, 1977)

And what I am looking for today during my walk ... I took this photo last year.  Now the Magnolias are budding ... I have seen one overachiever already in bloom.  The air is scented with their unique splendor.  This must be the smell of virtue.  I am going to be thinking of which one specifically.  This is one of the best fragrances anywhere ... ever. And this flower is so reserved ... so bold yet so shy ... it is worth handling with the utmost care.  Well ... this tree represents the very best of all things Southern.  It is actually better then the South ... and should grow only in Texas (lol).

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

there is love


(idk ... Pinterest)

“Envy consists in seeing things never in themselves, but only in their relations. If you desire glory, you may envy Napoleon, but Napoleon envied Caesar, Caesar envied Alexander, and Alexander, I daresay, envied Hercules, who never existed." ~ Bertrand Russell


A sound heart is the life of the flesh: but envy the rottenness of the bones.  ~ Proverbs 14:30

Wow again.

"Do not overrate what you have received, nor envy others.  He who envies others does not obtain peace of mind." Buddha

"Love looks through a telescope, envy, through a microscope." ~ Josh Billings

ENVY  n. - painful or resentful awareness of an advantage enjoyed by another joined with a desire to possess the same advantage.  

Some other definition included covetousness.  Yes ... I think that must be part of it.

Just last week I said of a friend's flight ... "I envy you ... "  That is not at all what I meant, and I doubt it was heard with the connotations seen here in Mr. Webster's definition.  I was happy for my friend ... yes I would like to see the sights from up high, but ... what I should have said, what I truly meant was ... "I am happy for you ... super cool flight!"

I have tasted envy.  It tastes like that acidic stuff that finds a way up from one's stomach when there is nothing left to throw up, but still you heave ... it tastes like bile.  Hmmm ... I am sure of this, but I have never wondered if these other vices "taste".  Envy does.  Envy wants to squeeze not just the gut, but tears of self-pity from one's blurry eyes ... Vice ... yes exactly like a vice grip ... this vice squeezes. Maybe envy is what causes the soul to vomit ...  I'm thinking like this because I have recently felt this.  Maybe these other vices are more routine for me ... envy is visceral (maybe the other vices are wrapped in callouses and I don't "feel" them so clearly ... idk ... I'm going to pay better attention though).  
Envy ... I saw something and began to want it ... not exactly "that it", but "my it ... like that" ... why do others enjoy something like that while I am over here doing the best I can with "this"  ... I want "that".  I thought this was going to be that ... how did this happen?  Maybe I am describing lust, but ... well ... I saw myself turn a mournful eye towards God ... I don't think it was lust.  Not much like lust.  "How did I end up with this when I wanted ... maybe even deserved ... certainly would be very thankful for and take excellent care of ... something like that."  The feeling of wanting that ... it made me feel really bad.  I was thinking about it with my feet up on the glass watching airplanes at ATL.  I thought ... God ... I only wanted a tiny taste of that ... but we both know I wanted more.  
See, that specific day was for me a really good day.  The location for watching those magnificent airplanes could not have been better ... and honestly, the yucky weather made it even more interesting.  I scooped up an enroute flight from ANC D-> ATL ... had it updating on flight aware ... I enjoyed that ... kinda goofy, but ... well, you make your fun where you want to I guess.  Everything about watching was perfect ... I was watching without a twinge of wanting ... I've never wanted to be an airline pilot.  They are rockstars ... for sure ... I am an educated viewer of their gig, I enjoy singing along  ... my thing is a bit different.  Well ... all of a sudden I was aware that I was sitting ... super cozy ... in an easy chair in a lovely hotel room ... and rather then just enjoying my wonderful circumstances, I was swamped by what was missing.  I was swamped by wanting "that" and the unfairness ... the inequity  ... the ... what?  I'm just trying to find the true words of it.  I recognize the envy part of it ... no malice,  just want ... and the shame of wanting not this and the shame of wanting that.  It is a looking at things with a microscope rather then a telescope.  It is small ... selfish thinking.  
Envy is a bit of a thief ... and a short sighted one at that.  Envy steals the joy from what is present ... it spreads blame over the past and beakness over the future.  Envy sucks.

I'm sitting here thinking about all the beautiful images I've seen lately because of micro-photography.  Sand ... sand is good.  It's also beautiful under a microscope.  Sand ... at the beach.  I love to rub my feet back and forth in it.  I love to walk along the shore of it ... stepping farther and farther out in to the deep ... as long as my feet feel sand, I feel safe.  And later ... rinsing it off ... don't want sand inside the house ... in the pipes.  Sand is cool at a micro-view, but what is most important about sand is enjoyed as a beach sized view.