The way to love someone
is to lightly run your finger over that person's soul
until you find a crack,
and then gently pour your love into that crack.
~Keith Miller

Sunday, September 28, 2014

Lauren Daigle - How Can It Be (Lyric Video)

"Are You Ready (On Your Own)" - Distant Cousins

"Always dream and shoot higher than you know you can do.  
Don't bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors.  
Try to be better than yourself."  
~William Faulkner

"Memory believes before knowing remembers.  
Believes longer then recollects, longer then knowing even wonders." 
~William Faulkner

substance transfigured

Just really quick notes, because that's all I have time for today.

From Matthew 17:14-23
About the father with a very sick son, maybe he was epileptic, at any rate, the disciples were unable to help (with healing).
Before that:
Three disciples and Jesus had just been up on the mountain top where Jesus "was seen" as He really is, transfigured before their eyes.  John Wesley seems to do a good job of explaining the text here.  The disciples were overcome with His glory and proposed to "stay right there" ... build some shrines.  So ... that was the mountain top experience ... then they came back down in to the valley where it seems most of us live.
What happened next was the desperate father thing ... . And I might ask, as a reader of the text, "Where is Jesus in all this sadness ... trouble ... grief?"
And ... for me, there is also that nagging question about "faith".  Why was my heart so certain that my brother was already in remission when ... the science of it indicates significant concerns with his liver?  How do I reconcile that and I'll just say now ... I don't know.   But, I'm thinking about it.

There is a marvelous quote in Tracey Kidder's book, Mountains Beyond Mountains : Healing the World : The Quest of Dr. Paul Farmer ... gosh, I need to find it!  It's about the possibility of two diametrically opposed realities, coexisting without tension.  ummm ... I will find it, but just a bit later.
The idea I am attempting to express may be seen (as in maybe it can be seen ... idk, I'm not sure what I think yet) in the transfiguration of Christ ... as this:

And was transfigured before them: and his face did shine as the sun, and his raiment was white as the light.
And was transfigured — Or transformed. The indwelling Deity darted out its rays through the veil of the flesh; and that with such transcendent splendour, that he no longer bore the form of a servant. His face shone with Divine majesty, like the sun in its strength; and all his body was so irradiated by it, that his clothes could not conceal its glory, but became white and glittering as the very light, with which he covered himself as with a garment.*
yeah ... *Wesley

Maybe  ... [Jesus, the man] concurrent with [triune Godhead Jesus] as portrayed in the Gospels ... Maybe that expresses what I am trying to think about ... as: Man is not God and God is not man ... yet here,  in the person Jesus the Christ, we "see" both (God in an earthsuit).

One of the reasons why I really like this "story" is because regular guys (the disciples) got to see with their human eyes something which was not always so apparent.  They "saw" a spiritual reality which has more truth then anything I can sense with my earthsuit.  And ... I think it's cool that they got to hear the voice of God ... and He said something like "This is my Son, I am pleased with him, listen to him." (Wow) Then Jesus said Get up ... and don't be afraid. And then they started down the hill.

(I'm kinda rambling, I know ... I'm noting this over the course of several days.)

So ... nothing is different as far as who Jesus is, he is the same, but/and he is more readily perceived to be "just" a man.  He came back down the hill and immediate immersed himself in our lives ... right in the midst  of the sadness ... trouble ... and grief.  I think maybe "trying to see" Jesus busy in our lives may be exactly where the substance of faith gets tangled up.

a particular kind of matter with uniform properties.
the real physical matter of which a person or thing consists and which has a tangible, solid presence.

I know know there are all sorts of, bunches and bunches of, "real" things which I can not see.  And I know that those unseen real things are dynamic, rather than static, in nature.

Now it is Sunday again.  I started writing this Sunday past.

Saturday, September 20, 2014

protects, trusts, hopes, persevers ... loves

between layers
Haven't flown since March ... I've been invited to co on a couple of charter flights (it's an offering of joy because that friend loves me and knows that velocity + altitude can lift heavy hearts) and so far it just hasn't worked out.  Last time my buddy suggested I call in sick (to my new job) and ... just ... fly away for the day.  I couldn't.  I sure did want to, but ... .

This picture was snapped some while ago.  I really don't specifically remember when because lots of flights look like that ... above the ceiling, below the flight levels ... between.

Four rocked a biology test this week .  She said, "I now know everything there is to know about bacteria and plants and how they grow so if V ever needs help with her Biology I'm the master".  That cracks me up ... yes, I'm certain that she knows she's exaggerating, but I enjoy the idea that "we" tend to over rate our understanding of things.  I smile to remember myself back when I knew everything (about bunches of things).  I type that out with a small smile.

"We don't have a fever thing".  Too funny.  I truly enjoy the relationship with my children.  It's cool to share life closely with people.  I feel that quite intensely lately. I am so grateful for the beauty of it.  Love.

"... the greatest of these is love."

She worked at understanding the material and did well on the exam but said ... I sure don't know how I will ever use that information  ... even how I will use a lot of the information I am acquiring at college ... HS was basically useless ... . 

LOL ... gosh it's fun to listen to them.  I sincerely can not imagine enjoying grandchildren more then I enjoy my children, adults now, they are still vastly pleasurable company.  

So ... Four and I talked a little bit about how much I enjoy aviation. She watched me "pouring myself" in to learning about so many different aspects of it. I started that journey just wanting to provide a "discovery flight" for two of my children who hadn't had the opportunity to fly before.  I didn't know that I was on the verge of something that would become important to me.  (Almost FIRC complete!)  It is good to have a great passion in life.  I told her that I believe what we "learn" about, where we spend our energy, our focus, can become a language via which God may help us grasp concepts which are more difficult.  Things we "know" may become, essentially, building blocks by which we come to better attend to "unknowns".  So many unknowns.  

This picture just pinged in.  I love that.  I love that we are able to connect with our people so immediately.  I love that "my people" text little random bits of their days to me.  I love the willingness to "touch", share.  I love receiving those easy little pics from the people I love. 

I'm too "emotional" to fly right now.  In fact ... I can't see myself ever flying again as an instructor.  Keeping the certif current is a matter of pride. And to be perfectly honest, I enjoy seeing those 100s stacking up as I complete the various FIRC chapters.  I'm a person who enjoys the gold stars.

Today I am content to be still here on the ground  ...  where we are experiencing solid OVC, I can't find even one tiny speck of blue.  But ... I know it's there just beyond a whispy layer ... and there may be several layers before I could/can feel/see "sunshine" (on my shoulder ... and a blue bird while we are wishing here).

I just sent Tommy a text to his iPad.  It said: Im sitting here looking at that picture of you.  It's very easy to imagine you looking up with a smile ... blowing a kiss.  I love you.
 It  really doesn't get better then that.  That's what I've learned from all this useless stuff ... The value in life is really found in the love that we are able to share with one another, from small acts of kindness all the way up to the huge sacrifices that strangers may make for another.

protects, trusts, hopes, perseveres ... loves

Tuesday, September 16, 2014


I'm thankful for that day, it was a good day.
These are three of my people.
It's great to have people who you love to "do" life with.
I'm thankful for these.  I thankful also for the others.

“Courage is not having the strength to go on; it is going on when you don't have the strength.” 
~ Theodore Roosevelt

not good news yesterday

Yesterday was the day we expected "the good news".  But ... we didn't hear what we expected to hear.
Certainly, not what we hoped to hear.

My brother has more lesions on his liver then he did last time they looked.  Maybe the other cancerous sites, especially the colon and stomach, are ... improving.  The images indicate that the mass in both places is basically the same size.  Maybe it is scar tissue left behind from where cancer was thriving.  They are not sure.  Someone asked me why not biopsy those locations and ... I don't know.  I don't know the whys or the why nots of any of this.

He is gaining weight.  That's a positive.  And ... as I said earlier, his voice sounds strong.  In fact ... his voice has been mostly strong all along.  He has a wonderful voice.  All the men in my family are noted for sounding lovely.  Sometimes, on the phone, I am lulled along, loosing focus on what he is saying, I'm soothed by the sound.  I think he actually does that on purpose if that's even possible.  He knows how to sound ... confident.

His chemo cocktail has been changed to focus on the liver with maintenance delivered to the rest of his  ... places.  Today he told me again that the doctor said ... this is the place where a lot of people give up, call it quits.  You're still a very sick man.  That's what he said, a bit of it.  My brother said that he still has some fight left in him.  Last week we had a bit of a scare.  Tommy was experiencing pain which he thought might be clots.  The radiologist didn't see any clots, but the pain didn't abate ... I could hear the extra pain meds thickening his tongue and blurring his thoughts.  Today he told me that the doctor said the pain was from his liver.

Recently L was telling me some stuff about Theodore Roosevelt.  Roosevelt may have been mis-served by the whole Teddy Bear thing because from what my husband was telling me I think I'm going to have to read up on Roosevelt for myself.  L is watching Ken Burns' new doc The Roosevelts and was talking about Roosevelt's view on what a warrior is ... he (my husband) paraphrasing, said something like "it is easy enough to find people willing to kill for what they believe in, but a warrior is one who is willing to die for his beliefs."  We remembered the fire-fighters walking up the flights of stairs on 9-11.  We talked a bit about warriors.  I have known a few.

My brother is a warrior.  It's what he knows.  


Sunday, September 14, 2014

new word for me

  1. flense (vt)

    • strip skin or fat from animal  (as a whale).

My son, One, taught me this word this week.  I had to have him spell it in NATO phonetic alphabet to spell it out.  He used the word to illustrate an idea, a feeling.  

And ... I'm thinking also about fat ... those good fats which are  vital in the support of optimal brain/body function and the "bad fats" which encourage disease.  To be flensed.  Interesting word.  He wasn't making the distinction  between good or bad fat ... he wasn't really even thinking about fat.  I circled back to "there".  I know that fat in general may represent abundance.  Or it may convey connotations of over-indulging oneself.  

Anyway ... a note ...   Flense ... it's painful, and bloody ... possibly helpful?

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Dodinsky ... kinda rocks

A pointless argument is when both parties assert their position by continuously pointing out each other’s wrongdoings. A lot of blaming and shaming happens in the absence of calm and understanding. — Dodinsky

“In every undertaking you face, always be at your best. Find delight in doing what you do. Someday you will find yourself in a far better place because you learned to value your efforts more than expectations.” — Dodinsky

“The LESS time you spend criticizing how others choose to live, the MORE time you can spend improving the quality of your life.” — Dodinsky

A beautiful life will bloom from a beautiful mind that is nurtured by beautiful thoughts. At any time you can allow beauty to flow within you. — Dodinsky

Neglect is often the slow poison in a relationship. The wound it causes cannot be mended by begging to be heard and acknowledged. To do so will only lead to further harm of your worth. It is very painful to release what you had hoped for, but letting go of someone who overlooks what they have in you is a good investment for your future. — Dodinsky

Do not allow the noise of their negativity smother the whisper of your heart. Let the strength of your character uphold the goals you have set for your life. — Dodinsky 

You alone can dismantle the barrier to your happiness. When you rely on others to do that for you, that barrier gets bigger. — Dodinsky

“A bad decision is not the end of you. How you choose to deal with your mistakes will determine your fate more than actually making one.” — Dodinsky

“When your mind begins to waver during life’s unrelenting storms, let your heart assume control. For when you feel you are running out of hope, trusting yourself will help see you through. ” — Dodinsky

You are always given the opportunity to make someone feel appreciated. It makes a world of difference to someone who feels empty or ignored. When it comes to kindness, nothing is ever small. — Dodinsky

You have to love yourself because no amount of love from others is sufficient to fill the yearning that your soul requires from you. — Dodinsky 

When someone gives you a rare insight into their life, do not repay that gesture by betraying their trust. — Dodinsky

If it is detrimental to you emotionally, physically and spiritually… what choice do you have left but to let go and flourish with self-respect. — Dodinsky

Every day you either see a scar or courage. Where you dwell will define your struggle. – Dodinsky

Knowing who you are is the best defense against who they think you are. – Dodinsky 

No matter what you have gone through and what others have put you through, you are still you. To embrace happiness, to find your passion and to love yourself, remember these things were never taken away from you. Nothing can stop you from rediscovering yourself. The greatest journey always begins within YOU. — Dodinsky

I smile when I look back at the troubles that have strengthened me. What seems to be insurmountable struggles then are now beautiful ornaments illuminating my soul. — Dodinsky

There are times when you need to explain your actions to others out of respect. But accept the truth that some people don’t really care about what you say or do. Those times you need to stop explaining out of respect to yourself. — Dodinsky

People can let you down, but only YOU can keep yourself permanently down. Rise above it, and get moving!” — Dodinsky 

” Forgiving is rediscovering the shining path of peace that at first you thought others took away when they betrayed you.” — Dodinsky

To breathe your own truth is your heart’s most burning desire. To live your purpose is your soul’s lifelong dream. – Dodinsky  

“Get angry, get furious–but never crumble into resentment.” – Dodinsky

“You are defined by your choices, and you have thousands of them spread through a lifetime to continue re-inventing yourself.” – by Dodinsky 

Saturday, September 6, 2014


Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief.

I guess that's one of the things I've spent the most time thinking about this past week ... the idea of the wonders which God performs.

Talking with my brother I realized that I already believe he is in remission.  I really don't know how one establishes "remission" ... maybe it's about the protein markers.  I know my brother's voice.  I can hear health in the sound of his voice now.  He says if I could see him I would feel even better.  The picture he sent looked really red ... like been to the dessert with a horse with no name red ... he said that's the chemo.  Other then the redness, he looked better, healthier, then he has for a long time.  That "clean" living agrees with him (lol, that's what I've been saying).  Please God, keep him whole for lots of days to come. I most certainly "feel" better about his state of health because of hearing and seeing good indications, but ... I'm that sort of person who doesn't easily believe what I see or hear ... maybe I did when I was a kid, but life has taught caution.  I like to prepare myself for "not best" ... not the worst, but ... I seldom hope for the best I can imagine (It's just not realistic ... I gotta protect myself ... I don't feel comfortable in na-na land).

As I said, I already believe.
It's interesting to me to realize that.  I believe in the same way that I believe 1+1=2.  It just does.  It's not a thinking thing ... and because it is such a small thing I process it quickly ... two apples in the bowl ... two socks on the floor ... there is a couple walking down the street, 2.  Easy.  Fact.  I accept it as fact without any sorting about for other possibilities.  That's how I "think and feel" about where he is at in this process. ... then hope ... I hope it lasts a long long time.  I don't think about that very often because ... I am unable to affect that, and most importantly, it's God's business and I am confident that He has good plans for all of us.  I do believe that too.

I don't think I have ever prayed about something (other then this thing with Tommy), asked God for something, where I have experienced confidence that "it" was done before I saw evidence ... and by that I mean real stuff, scientific support, physical proof ... of it really done.  I can "do" the it's in God's hands part, but I don't think I've ever experienced the ... this ...

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. 
Hebrew 11:1
 I'm thinking about that now.  Now that I realize a different way to look at it, it seems that I personally don't have much faith.  

I believe there is a God.  I believe there was a man named Jesus, His son, who died on a cross and rose again.  I believe Jesus became the acceptable sacrifice for my sin, the sin in my nature and the actually sins I do (and even just think about doing) ... I humbly accept the grace provided by His gift, by His life, death, resurrection.  

The Apostles' Creed  (Spurgeon's notes via Phil)

Let's make this easier ... I believe this, as I understand it: 

I believe in God the Father, Almighty, Maker of heaven and earth:
And in Jesus Christ, his only begotten Son, our Lord:
Who was conceived by the Holy Ghost, born of the Virgin Mary:
Suffered under Pontius Pilate; was crucified, dead and buried: He descended into hell:
The third day he rose again from the dead:
He ascended into heaven, and sits at the right hand of God the Father Almighty:
From thence he shall come to judge the quick and the dead:
I believe in the Holy Ghost:
I believe in the holy catholic church: the communion of saints:
The forgiveness of sins:
The resurrection of the body:
And the life everlasting. 

I thought that was "faith".

This week I had my vision checked.  I marvel at the coolness of our eyes.  I am amazed by the coolness of how sight works and by how we store images.  Absolutely amazing.  It makes me smile to sit here and think of it even for a second.  I thought faith was essentially believing things we can't see with our physical eyes.  Like God, who my eyes can't see ... but who is evidenced (I believe) by the miraculousness of something like our eyes (or pretty much anything He made ... it's all cool, and gets cooler as I learn more about it).

Anyway ... I recognize that I am unable to "believe" as well as I wish I could.  I see that because of how easy it is for me to believe that my brother is already in remission when ... in fact ... he still has a round or two of chemo to go and then whatever "they" do to discover where he's at prior to the pronouncement.

I'm thinking about it because I have other things going on in my life that I wish I could have faith would go as well.  Important stuff.  The stuff I am praying about ... I don't really believe it will go as I hope it will.  I think it's hard for me to believe.  I do trust God, but I don't believe what I'm asking for is possible.  Not really.  And ... that's contrary to the notion that ...

Jesus looked at them and said, 
“With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”
Matthew 19:6

I'd really like to say I believe that.  I'd like for that to be a 1+1=2 type of belief.  I can honestly say I believe "with God all things are possible".  But ... we (mankind) don't surrender all things to God and He doesn't force us to give Him our "stuff" ... . How's He supposed to make our stuff right when we don't give Him the opportunity to do so.

So ... I'm trying to find the stuff I haven't let go of.  

I'm so out of time to sit and think/type!  It's difficult to keep the house clean when I'm away from my home all day.  But, I am glad I have a job!

 “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!” - Mark 9:24

Monday, September 1, 2014

mostly pictures ...

We leave pretty early on our morning walks, always early enough to find Venus still high above the tree line (that's Saturn beyond ... I'm learning the night sky).  Today I stopped to enjoy these, the only morning glories I have seen this year.  I didn't plant mine.  Maybe next Spring, along with some moon flowers, I'd like them together on our fence. I also saw "roadkill" which L identified as two raccoons.  I never look at those stilled guys, but today I was occupied by keeping an eye on a scurrying field mouse with a very short tail.  We shared the sidewalk with him.  Last week I saw a big turtle stuck on the street unable to climb the curb.  L helped him up.  I don't like to touch those things.  City girl ... .

Really enjoying the FitBit flex band.  It "plays well" with my calorie tracker, the FitnessPal app.  We are doing great at consistently getting 10,000 steps even though I was dragging a bit today.
 I'm sitting in the living room taking a break from my FIRC work.  It's actually kinda enjoyable to review... surprised at how much the "tone" has changed since my last one (2012).  It seems that we are encouraged to "be more sensitive".  The world continues to evolve I guess ... .
This, from our yard, taken on Saturday.  It volunteered from seeds planted season before last.  Sweet.

L and I did make it to the tailgate ... chose not to go to the game, we ran errands together instead and I enjoyed the time.  Look at all the crazy that accompanies home games ... there are super nice RVs parked in organized rows on every blade of grass within 5 miles or more of the stadium.

 My favorite stop was a Blooming Colors where these chickens were just rambling around.
Next morning walk on to campus ... Victory "rolled", a team of men were cleaning everything away.

I'm always busy now.  It's a busy time of the year with school starting back ... but, I am swamped!  Too busy to make notes here and I miss the time because it provided space for me to think about stuff.  I do want to make a few notes about Sunday's sermon ... it was interesting. And oddly enough it seems that the last chapter of the FIRC seemed to amplify some of the Pastor's thoughts.  Kinda cool.  Hopefully, notes on that later ... for now, I'm ascribing to the picture worth a thousand words deal.   I barely have time to take care of my family stuff!

  • To see and hear rain falling symbolizes forgiveness and grace. Falling rain is also a metaphor for tears, crying and sadness. 
  • To see a baby in your dream signifies innocence, warmth and new beginnings. Babies symbolize something in your own inner nature that is pure, vulnerable, helpless and/or uncorrupted. If you dream that the baby is smiling at you, then it suggests that you are experiencing pure joy.
  • To see or call for a babysitter in your dream indicates that you need to acknowledge and work on your inner child.
  • Two stands for balance, diversity, partnership, marriage cooperation, soul, or receptivity. It can also symbolize double weakness or double strength.