The way to love someone
is to lightly run your finger over that person's soul
until you find a crack,
and then gently pour your love into that crack.
~Keith Miller

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

patience = persevere

Patience noun
the quality of being patient as the bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation, or the like.
an ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay: to have patience with slow learner.
quiet, steady perseverance; even-tempered care; diligence: to work with patience.

Uh oh ... there is one of those words ... protect, trust, hope, persevere ... love.

So, I'm thinking about how amazingly patient I really am then I read the definition and look at some Bible references and some cultural references and I see that I am very patient in some areas and not so very patient in others.  That feeling I was describing was basically free floating annoyance, aka grumpiness.

the idea of delay ... I don't have any plans.  that's what the burn is ... when I feel good about what I think is going on I can handle the everyday stuff that we all deal with ... I think I'm doing a good job with that.  It's this series of disappointments and then on top of that not knowing what I should do ... not knowing what I'm doing ... not doing anything ... it creeps me out.

well ... obviously I need to do some thinking here ... 

Talking to husband about this ... this idea of a Master's in something. He is basically okay with it. Sure, whatever. He suggested I learn autocad stuff to be a person who helps people visualize what they are building. He knows I am good at spacial stuff and at seeing what isn't yet there. That would be a self taught thing (which I know I have the self discipline to accomplish, but I'd like some company ... that's a consideration for me) it would be a cottage industry type thing. He says my clients would be home builders and people wanting to add on to their homes. He suggests that I could start with an addition to our home. I know he is trying to help, but it just makes me feel aggravated for some reason. I tell him I'm not looking for another wall to beat my head against (yeah, I said it a lot nicer then that), and besides ... two more of our kids should be out of the house, up and running, in a year and space won't be at such a premium.  I seem to be digging in on a detached study with room for a pool table.   He suggests that I gather some of the documentation etc that he needs for one of his projects. He has so little time and if I want some kinda graduate assistant type thing he has plenty of stuff I can do. And ... now I am really getting aggravated. It's not that I don't want to help him, it's that I feel this particular project is ill-advised and have said so ... and have clearly stated my reasons ... yet, he continually approaches this like we've never discussed it before. He has a master plan formulating and my words of caution don't make contact. I've seen this before, my husband totally rocks long term planning ... chinking away at the resistance like a glacier cutting through layers and layers of strata.  I tell him I will do the research and brief the findings, but I won't "stick my nose in". I ask him specifically what he wants me to do and he says just be patient ... this isn't exactly the time.  Basically I said okay, and he replied ... not now, later, definitely later.

I'm not a big fan of patient. I can be patient with people and especially with my loves, but I struggle with patient in general. Patience is said to be a virtue. I may need to look in to that again. I can actually feel it ... impatience ... coursing along through me, is it in my bloodstream, the muscles? Maybe it's neurological because I feel it pinging my brain and it's not pleasant.

a-100-year-study-to-lay-plans-for-interstellar-travel   Pretty cool.  I read it yesterday, and I'd like to keep an eye on it.

This is the thing about patience ... it's like sitting and watching time run out.  I think I feel that way because I don't have a goal of my own that I'm working on.  Everything I have on my plate is a day at a time sort of thing ... I stretched today towards Friday when I have planned a pedicure (on a walk in basis).   I just don't like it.  This morning some kid wanted to shoot by in traffic and I thought ... there he is again 350HP with an ass holding the reigns ... normally I'm not so grumpy, but I have been lately.  The other day I told L that I was getting pretty tired of being the toilet bowl cleaner who swishes everyone's poop outta the back of the toilet.  He asked me which bathroom which only made me grumpier ... I shrug and scowl ... I bluster, but I don't really know what else to do.  Ummm, that's not working ... lol.  You know, you sit tight, patiently doing what is supposed to be "your part" and you think if you play honorably things will go as they should.  And then you find out that not everyone uses the same playbook.  Well ... enough of that.  The floors are looking really good.  The kids are on track ... everyone is doing really great.  I need to be looking at "thankfuls" not things that flip my switch.  I'll do a look at patience later today.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

It's been wet outside today ... low overcast with a steady light shower.  When it's really raining my dog snoozes easy on the back porch, or bumps the window hoping to get my attention, hoping I'll let him in the house.  This drip dropping rain keeps him awake.  He can't see it.  He hears it rustling the high pines, and the dogwoods and red buds canopied below.  He can't figure it out ... sounds like it could possible be trouble out in the woods.  He is certain that it is his job to let me know ... even if it means waking the neighbors who have earned the privilege of sleeping in.  They assure me that Sammy doesn't bother them, and I think to myself that they probably sleep with their hearing devices on the bedside table ... He barks when there is a reason, and the reasons are his own.  He and I are back to our walking routine but I thought maybe to skip it this morning.  Getting out in this type weather would definitely require me to come right home and wash my hair ... which wouldn't be that big a deal if I hadn't blown the blow dryer out the other day.  What turned in to a wad of hair got sucked in to the intake and wound up tight  around the fan ... uh do-hickey, I think it's called.  Yeah ... a mess.  With four women in the house we definitely needed a new blow dryer asap. I selected this one and I think the mesh protecting the intake will stay put.  I just got through reading the pamphlet that came with it.  Don't drop it in the bath tub and don't let your hair get sucked in to the intake.  Good to go.  Anyway ... walking him meant I had to go find a dryer, but the girls have been patient with me as it is.  We made it through Sunday with the most often used electrical gadget  not in the house.  I thought maybe if I got him out in the weather he would put two and two together on where the noise was coming from.  I'm not sure that he even knew he was wet even though we had enough precip to warrant brightly colored umbrellas among the other walkers.  Everyone wants us to stop as we pass by so that they can visit with Sambones.  About midway through the walk I decided to start jogging with him.  He liked it.  I liked it too.  I'm not in great shape for all the up and down terrain around here, but I think I will start running him on the down hills.
 I am still cleaning grout in the breakfast room.  Looking really good.  I wake up in the morning thinking about how good it looks.  Last night I dreamed that I had a gallon jug of sealant (and I think I really do ... out in the garage).  That's what pushed me over the edge on getting out to run in the rain, and go buy a new blow dryer afterwards ... I want to blow dry the grout and seal it immediately before a big dog has time to track nasty inside.  Which reminds me ... I am learning about comets and meteorites right now.  This author, Dr. Stephen Maran, said each of us has at least two particles of space debris in our hair right now.  I love the idea of that.  Dr. Carl Sagan was quoted as saying, well let me go find that real quick ... Symphony of Science  ... made me laugh before it got old ... (found this also but still looking "Human beings have a demonstrated talent for self-deception when their emotions are stirred."  from Cosmos/ Sagan  ... uh, true that)

“The cosmos is within us. We're made of star-stuff. We are a way for the universe to know itself.”
― Carl Sagan

There we go.  He says we are made of star-stuff. Star stuff ...I like it.  I believe we were created by the creator of the stars ... and His signature is apparent on all his stuff.  I like the quote.  I simply interpret the common fingerprint through a different filter.

“The world is so exquisite with so much love and moral depth, that there is no reason to deceive ourselves with pretty stories for which there's little good evidence. Far better it seems to me, in our vulnerability, is to look death in the eye and to be grateful every day for the brief but magnificent opportunity that life provides.” 
 Carl Sagan

I admire the late Carl Sagan.   And I certainly agree wholeheartedly with this statement: "... in our vulnerability ... to look death in the eye and be grateful every day for the brief but magnificent opportunity that life provides."  Truly genius.  So much of what he left behind stands strong.  When I hear the question "If you could have lunch with anyone living or dead ... who would it be?"  Carl Sagan is on the short list.  Another comes immediately to mind also.

...yeah ... star-stuff particles on my scalp ... blow dryer ... all that.  Ummm ... I think I am going to have to find something to engage me.  The floor scouring ... I like it, but I'm thinking I have all this time in front of me (umm maybe, that's an assumption) what am I going to do with myself for the next several years.  Part of why I love flying and flight training (either side of it) is because there is so much cool stuff to learn.  It keeps on giving you opportunities to engage.  So ... I have always enjoyed learning about stuff and I wonder if I would like taking classes specifically for some Master's program, and if I did, what would it be in?  I like science and history ... I like literature and architecture ... I'm interested in nutrition ... .  I started graduate school in Architecture back in the day.  I should get my master's in something ... maybe.  In the meanwhile ... I am pioneering in what an active retirement might look like.

Monday, February 27, 2012

The tragedy of life is in what dies inside a man while he lives - the death of genuine feeling, the death of inspired response, the awareness that makes it possible to feel the pain or the glory of other men in yourself.~ Norman Cousins
This note isn't more wanking about not getting to instruct.
 In a weird way, I am grateful that something tangible, and so very important to me while at the same time not so big a deal (like I want to but I don't need to ... it's not a survival thing at all) ... something tangible has not gone as I hoped it would.  This gives me an opportunity to look at something which I place(d) a lot of importance on/in ... spent many life moments on building something special and I don't really know where to go with it from here, but ... I know IT has value to me still ... even if it were to sit dormant like violin lessons have.  So, what I'm stumbling through thinking and writing about this morning isn't at all about flying. It's an issue, but not this issue.  I will always fly.

I've been trying, in my life, to create other areas which are special.  We all do that.  We do it with relationships and aspects within those relationships, we do that with our work: our life work, with important pastimes ... I guess we do that wherever we ascribe importance.  And ... I don't know how anyone else approaches this, but I am pretty careful about where, what, who, all that I let become very important to me.   I don't necessarily admire that quality because it's opposite to one of the traits I admire most in others (like H) ... it's like the line to care and not care.
Because these wings are no longer wings to fly
But merely vans to beat the air
The air which is now thoroughly small and dry
Smaller and dryer than the will
Teach us to care and not to care
Teach us to sit still.
(Ash Wednesday ~ TS Eliot)

So, in this private area that has nothing to do with flying ... flying stuff informs me.  In that private area I am sorely tempted to let something die.  And ... that really goes against my grain, because whether I like it or not, it is important.  Smaller and drier then the will ... I get it.  I try to make this thing right, fan a flame, but ... am unable ... and I want to care and not to care ... I am learning to sit still.  Wow, I hadn't realized it quite like that.  Still is all around me and I hadn't seen it till just now.  I was saying that flying stuff might be a good analogy for looking at to see this other thing which is more difficult to grapple with, but now I am realizing that all those little and big life vignettes may well fit in to the same bucket: 

To Care and Not To Care ... To Sit Still.

The same "Still" that I was thinking about back in November 2010.  

Man, I must be a really slow cooker!

Sunday, February 26, 2012

70/1000 Hope

Just as there is no loss of basic energy in the universe, so no thought or action is without its effects, present or ultimate, seen or unseen, felt or unfelt. ~ Norman Cousins

~found Photo (idk)
What if the map which was modge-podged to these eggs was really a rendering of where the baby bird would be able to travel to once it began to fly.  I like this image because of that thought.  

Something is being hatched, eventually, it will go somewhere. "It" will become an action.

Recalling The Prayer of Jebez, (here it is :

And Jabez called on the God of Israel saying, "Oh, that You would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evil, that I may not cause pain." So God granted him what he requested.

I Chronicles 4:10 NKJV)

prompted me to think of that. ... and, what if rather then a bird, an idea, or an attitude, or ... a golden moment, was being (what's the bird word? ... oh  I bet there is one, or several ...), was inside the egg maturing for the day it would begin pecking through the shell, and growing everything that happens behind that wide open baby beak ... preparing for flight from the nest.  Jabez asked for more. More ... shoreline, more territory ... more area. Seems like he's acknowledging that he has a "place", but is willing to handle even more.  

That your hand would be with me ... .  Hands.  I like noticing the hands.  Hands are one of my favorite things to see about a person.  And, you can know a lot about how someone is by how they move their hands, how they hold things, through touch they communicate how they do things even when they are unable to express why.  I am not praying the prayer of Jabez, but I am wondering about God's hand.  His hand touching me ... my hand reaching for his.

... and that you would keep me from evil, that I may not cause pain.   

It sounds  like Jabez is asking for more range while being mindful that he wants to stay near to God's ... near at hand ... close enough for God to steer him away from evil, or protect him from evil.  It is sweet that he is mindful that his actions may cause pain, and he wants to avoid that.  Actions and intentions don't always mesh.  Actions sometimes produce un-intended outcomes.

The birds are definitely back in the nests in the rose vine.  Pretty soon I will see the first sign of buds and then over night the air will burst with the smell of their perfume and soon after that, baby birds will be chirping and maybe I will get to see them fly out again this year.  Hope so.  I like the idea of something new developing, emerging ... . 

~ found image (idk)
I am thankful for those birds.  I'm thankful for the possibility of good things taking flight ... ranging about.  And ... I'm thinking about how gratitude may be nurtured, just like a baby bird, and maybe that was a little bit about what Jabez was thinking about when he prayed his prayer.   Maybe he hoped to send whatever hatched from the eggs in his "rose vine" out ... and maybe he hoped they could fly far from his sight and still be safe in God's hand.  I hope my thoughts, whatever notions I am nurturing, will be stuff that doesn't cause pain ... and it seems like Jabez has figured out that as long as God's hands are involved, that it will be  ... good.  Good in God's good hands.  Not as easy as it sounds. 

"It may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird: it would be a jolly sight harder for it to learn to fly while remaining an egg. We are like eggs at present. And you cannot go on indefinitely being just an ordinary, decent egg. We must be hatched or go bad."~ C.S.Lewis

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Bucket list additions

Big Sur

Puget Sound

~ both are found images
must visit

A few notes on Roethke

~ found image (idk)
In 1995, the Seattle alley between Seventh and Eighth Avenues N.E. running from N.E. 45th Street to N.E. 47th Street was named Roethke Mews in his honor. It adjoins the Blue Moon Tavern, one of Roethke's haunts. 

The Waking

I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I feel my fate in what I cannot fear.
I learn by going where I have to go.
We think by feeling. What is there to know?
I hear my being dance from ear to ear.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
Of those so close beside me, which are you?
God bless the Ground! I shall walk softly there,
And learn by going where I have to go.
Light takes the Tree; but who can tell us how?
The lowly worm climbs up a winding stair;
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
Great Nature has another thing to do
To you and me, so take the lively air,
And, lovely, learn by going where to go.
This shaking keeps me steady. I should know.
What falls away is always. And is near.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I learn by going where I have to go.

From The Far Field ... excerpt
I suffered for young birds, for young rabbits caught in the mower,
My grief was not excessive.
For to come upon warblers in early May
Was to forget time and death:

The river turns on itself,
The tree retreats into its own shadow.
I feel a weightless change, a moving forward
As of water quickening before a narrowing channel
I am renewed by death, thought of my death,
The dry scent of a dying garden in September,
The wind fanning the ash of a low fire.
What I love is near at hand,
Always, in earth and air.


All finite things reveal infinitude:
The mountain with its singular bright shade
Like the blue shine on freshly frozen snow,
The after-light upon ice-burdened pines;
Odor of basswood on a mountain-slope,
A scent beloved of bees;
Silence of water above a sunken tree :
The pure serene of memory in one man, --
A ripple widening from a single stone
Winding around the waters of the world.

and this which seems ... unfinished, a washed-out interrupted raw place

In the long journey out of the self,
There are many detours, washed-out interrupted raw places
Where the shale slides dangerously
And the back wheels hang almost over the edge
At the sudden veering, the moment of turning.
Better to hug close, wary of rubble and falling stones.
The arroyo cracking the road, the wind-bitten buttes, the canyons,
Creeks swollen in midsummer from the flash-flood roaring into the narrow valley.
Reeds beaten flat by wind and rain,
Grey from the long winter, burnt at the base in late summer.
-- Or the path narrowing,
Winding upward toward the stream with its sharp stones,
The upland of alder and birchtrees,
Through the swamp alive with quicksand,
The way blocked at last by a fallen fir-tree,
The thickets darkening,
The ravines ugly.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

~ found image (idk)
So ... I was thinking about G ... rolling in the deep so to speak, I mean, the child doesn't know how to swim, not really.  She puts on her little pink water wings ... her floaties ... and starts wading in to water that practically had ice floating in it ... we are five days later and I still have a chill from it.  She really enjoyed it.  I know how that is.

I say flight training is the shallow end of the pool.  The end where the steps are ... one wades in and splashes around, perhaps dreaming of having enough stroke to make it to the flight levels.

I never had any intention of doing anything but instructing ... over in the wading pool.  I love just getting wet. It's fun to splash in the water ... and help someone realize how natural floating on one's back is, or working on the basics ... foundations that everything is build on.  I love the primacy of it ... and where it can take a person and how you always come back to that ... it needs to be right.  It is enough for me.  I came to it late, but I went all in ... no choice, I had found my thing.

That's what time with G helped me remember.  So, for her it didn't matter that it was a dinky little hotel pool ... frigid ... lacking in amenities (even the towels were as skimpy as an flight instructor's paycheck).  She made more the the most of it ... she made it great. I wish you coulda heard her ... .

Today, a stranger who visits this blog sent a note ... it basically said...

Something I wanted to say to you after reading one of your posts. There are about 600,000 active pilots in the U.S. less than half are female. I would think less than a quarter. Out of that there are very few commercial female pilots and even fewer female instructors. So that makes you a part of a very, very small group of people. I think that's cool. Just wanted to say that. ... (Instructors) don't seem to really be into passing on their knowledge. I went through 5 instructors to get my private pilot certificate. I practically had to beg to get them to fly with me. I finally found a (half way instructor) to ride along with me. I say ride because he sure didn't teach me anything. Most times I had to repeat the controllers commands because he didn't understand them. Very sad. 

A book I'm reading right now would say the timing isn't right for you but if you really want it, it will happen.

Nice note ... came on a good day as I was already thinking about how doing what you love is a real treat ... I loved learning all that stuff ... yeah, really, all of it.  I love that I know that stuff.  I love that stuff ... not that I am a pilot, but that I am capable of being ... that I rock a lot of it.  I love to fly and I would love to help someone towards that.  
I think I owe it to myself to keep my knowledge up.  Just 'cause I don't have anywhere to pour it out doesn't mean I can't keep on filling myself with it.  

I don't want to want stuff I can't have. But ... I have this.  This is mine.  It was a lot of work.  I can't see around the corner in life, but I should do what I love to the extent that I am able to.  Timing.  Hmmm.   


That is a happy face.

These few moments in the hotel pool were my very favorite moments of the recent trip to B'ham.

The water was FREEZING ... like, my skin turned bluish freezing.  That wasn't the good part.  Well, let me start at the beginning of this...
I thought there was a pretty good chance that little miss hadn't been inside a hotel before, maybe she would like the dime tour  ... turned out true.  I also hoped that she would want to go swimming in the middle of the winter.  She did. This is my good friend H's little girl ... she would tell you that she is almost four ... she would tell you a lot of things and ask you a lot of things too.  The child ... rocks.  I am not one of those women who really want to spend time with children.  Liking, loving really, time with  my own children actually has been one of the two biggest surprise of my life, and I'm old enough to have had a few!  Up until this visit friend's child and I hadn't actually connected.  She likes her G'momma (also a friend) or my daughter C (who she thinks looks like a barbie doll) or ... mostly her momma (really mostly her dad!).  She's just growing up, and ready to experiment with adding more people to her life.  I was happy when she liked the idea of swimming.  I didn't expect to get in with her ... and I can't thank her enough for the joy that those moments soaked in to my soul.

I'm sitting on the side of the pool on a towel chatting with H ... and, I know we have to at least put our feet in.  Boy is the water cold.  H is under doctor's orders to stay out of the pool (so she says tucking her feet up under her ... cozy ... toasty like).  Little miss steps right in holding on to the rail ... and squeals as she leaps out ... and in, and out, and back in for the next several minutes.  She splashes her momma and we all laugh.  I am hoping she doesn't splash me, I can feel cold shivers running up my spine.  She tells me she is almost four.  There are four steps to reach the floor of the pool.  "Can you count to four?" I ask, and she begins counting, slowly, in the sweetest little Southern child voice I've ever heard.  Did I mention she has the most beguiling golden topaz eyes? She adds counting to the delightful (really) squealing and giggling ... it's infectious.  I ask her if she can count the steps as she wades in ... she is not too sure about the deep water.  She isn't confident that the pink water wings will work as well as they did during the summer.  I coax her to hold on to the rail, but she isn't having any of that.  She thinks we should both step in, but I try telling her that the water is way too cold for old ladies.  I tell her that old ladies have really thin skin (I guess like it stretches out over our old bones or something), and she looks at me so intently ... she's thinking about it and I am pretty sure she's gonna bite ... then a tiny smile pulls it's way up to sparkle her eyes and she says, "I don't think so."  I love love love a child who is willing to think.  Before she is exhausted by the chattering of her little teeth and the popping up of goose bumps all over her sweet skin, she has me in the pool swirling her around on the life preserver and zooming her towards the wall for a kick off ... all this while laughing and sweetly conversing.

Her momma got her to thinking about how nice a warm bath would be.  Thank goodness I had an apple in my bag, 'cause the girl was hungry after all that ... still giggly, she wanted me to see how long her hair is when it's wet, and by the way, Fuji is also her favorite, but she doesn't think she likes jellybeans.  She has a little piece of my heart.

Soooo ... a little soaking wet bit of a girl, almost four, with sparkle pink fingernails and toe nails ... and all of her baby teeth shining in her smiles reminded me of something that I wish I hadn't forgotten.

It's a treat to get to do something you love to do ... doesn't really matter if the conditions are less then, it's still a treat.  This child brings some serious joy with her.  It radiates from her pores.   She is all in with it.  She laughed at that cold water ... didn't let it stop her from the adventure ... and she got me re-focused too.  There was nothing more important then helping her feel safe enough to venture away from the steps.  And while I very gently pulled her through the water in a big lazy eight pattern, she laid her head back and softly sang Jesus Loves Me.


~found photo (idk)
Thankful for the bird feeder, a source of joy ... and white paintable wood caulk ... both necessarily indulgences.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Samson in his kennel

Sammy ... lazing around and keeping a eye on me.

My cousin captured this beautiful moment and shared it.  This was at South Padre Island, Texas.  What a wonderful shot.  ~ Jay Evins copyright 2010

There was a night at the beach which I love to remember because of a Heron fishing.  These are smart, calm, elegant birds.  I like them a lot ... always trying to capture a decent shot of them with my little point and click.  Thanks to Jay I now have this lovely reminder.

topic change ...
I'm slowly reading the book Rescuing Ambition (Dave Harvey), essentially about "reaching further dreaming larger for the glory of God" ummm ... rather then for oneself.  It's a good book for me to be looking t during this time because I can still feel that need to achieve something special, something extraordinary, within me ... and it is making me feel a bit bad, like achieving or competing is somehow inappropriate, but I know that is how I am.  I like to, for lack of a better sense of it, I like to impress myself.  I like to do stuff that I am proud of.  Like even those silly doors ... they are beautifully refinished - just right  - and I did that (doing that).  But ... great doors don't really matter very much, do they?  I don't want to be famous or even noticed to tell the truth ... I just want to spend my moments mostly on things which I think might matter.  
I can see that I am in an important time in my life ... it feels like a down time because I don't have anything going on that falls into my might matter bag.  
Yes, my family matters a lot, but ... they are pretty much grown up.  I have time for more.  I like that the kitchen floor is "clean enough to eat off of" as my mother would say ... I even have a renewed respect for all the awesome housekeeping she did, and I sure can see why we spent so much time keeping our messes outside! ... Momma was on to something there.
It's like distractions are minimized right now.  Every one of the handful of places where I want to go for achieving and also for filling my cup ... all those doors seem to be shut.  This feels like a quiet time, and it kinda creeps me out.  I stay busy, but busy with still stuff ... like sanding, sewing, painting, fixing ... .  I'm even driving the jeep slower.  It's just kinda weird, hard to explain.  I knock on the door of a little excitement, but to no avail.  I am a little bit uneasy about it, at the same time, I intuitively believe things are exactly as they should be, and I imagine I will look back on this time and see how special it was.
So ... to honor that  gift, the gift of quiet time, I am trying to relax in to it.  I can feel my feet kicking at it some, and I have learned how to shhhh myself.  I learned that in an airplane.  You get to decide what you think about, and what you think about feeds your soul ... or eats your soul.  In an airplane, it is important to learn how to discipline yourself to think about the right stuff at the right times ... it is cool to know where your default thinking takes you, and think better then that.  

This guy, Dave Harvey, expresses the notion that one's natural proclivity towards ambitious feats leaves a big empty hole which hankers to be filled with even grander acts.  Vain glory is a phrase which comes to mind. 

This is the table of contents.  I haven't  read enough of it to have an opinion other then I'm interested in where he goes with the ideas.
I know there is something for me ... I really hope it's not just about housekeeping.

Monday, February 20, 2012

driftwood ... found photo ... I like it, for what I do not know
Today I worked all day.  I am trying to work as much as possible.  I really want to walk Sammy, but it's cold and a bit rainy here.  I like the driftwood heart ... the idea of picking up bits of stuff and turning it in to something good ... is good.  This looks like an outside thing.  well, I just like it.  I really wish completing projects didn't take so long!   I am still working on doors!  They really do look beautiful, and I am not bored with the sanding ... painting.  I take the door off and work on it on our back porch.  Sammy keeps me company.  I have thought of a million things to do out there ... after I finish painting inside the house.  I have a few little pieces to tweak inside too.  A chair to reupholster.  Still looking for the fabric. 
 The top fabric is my favorite for the wingback ... may do it in a linen that color, haven't decided about the texture on that big a piece.  I like quiet furniture.  I was looking for a very broad cabana stripe, but no one seems to have that.  H suggested I "paint" the stripe I want on some inexpensive drapes and I think that's what I'll do (den).  The fabric on the right is for the ottoman or coffee table piece.  The chartreuse in that is a color I like, and I'm thinking of painting something ... laundry room shelves maybe ... that color.  It's beautiful on glass and ceramic so I'm on the look out.  The dot ... dining room chairs, and the rest for throw pillows.  I needed to get a few fabrics in mind so the paint choices can be finalized.  I love fresh paint.  Now I wish I hadn't painted that chest of drawers in sea glass blue.  The color works with this palette, but ... I don't like it as much as I thought I would.  Love that fabric shop ... wow.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

found image ~ idk
"The heart is forever inexperienced." ~ Thoreau

Life is an adventure in forgiveness.~ Norman Cousins
found image ~ idk
Dream stuff.

To dream that you are taking a shower in clear, fresh water, symbolizes spiritual or physical renewal and forgiveness. You are washing the burdens out of your life.
To dream that you are showering with someone, suggests that there is something that you need to "come clean" or confess to this person. It is time to be honest. Perhaps the dream is telling you that you need to let down your guard.

To see a hallway in your dream, symbolizes self exploration. It is the beginning of the path that you are taking in life. You are going through a transitional phase and journeying into the unknown. It also signals spiritual enlightenment, emotional growth physical prowess, new opportunities and mental passages in your life.

To see your neck in your dream, signifies the relationship between the mind/mental and the body/physical. It represents willpower, self-restriction and your need to control your feelings and keep them in check

To see a stranger in your dream, signifies a part of yourself that is repressed and hidden. Alternatively, it symbolizes the archetypal dream helper who is offering you insight and advice.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

~ found image by coffee_break
"Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you. But if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder." Thoreau

It is time to turn my attention to other things.  I didn't realize this, but now I do.
What I was doing ...  I had a carrot out there moving me along. A prize for a job well done. Something I could earn ... I think I might do that, or try to do that in every area of my life. I hadn't been exactly paying attention to that. I know I do that, but I didn't realize the extent of it. I think I may need to look at that. Certainly many of the downsides to that which had gone unnoticed.
I think I can plan more joy in to our every days.  Ummm ... like a planned ahead really nice meal.  I do that at the beach ... that'd be so easy to do here.  Fancy up the table ... that sort of thing.  And maybe, with intention, I can dial back some of those things that zing my frayed nerves.  I can see now that I walk around those "holes" in my life telling myself to suckitup ... that relief or reward will be forth coming. I think that may be a little messed up. It has enabled me to move annoyances, misfortunes, griefs ... What ever one might can them and whatever magnitude they may be at (cause some are minor and some suck the air right out of me)  To move those things to a place where dealing with them can be postponed. It makes me vulnerable to accepting, maybe even pursuing, what/where I think a little special time may be found, and neglecting to just straighten out some of the poop.
It is about trade offs. I'm not sure about how to think about this. Everybody has stuff that drains them ... and places where they go to refill. I think I postpone refill too much. I think I may be able to create some "refill" in my home. That's what I'm saying.

Told my brother about the change of plans ... he said he would probably beat me to the beach now. He said he'd save me a place.  He was the best person for me to really talk to about some of this.  We are a lot alike and he said what I have been whispering to myself ... it makes sense, this is a good thing ... .

Thoreau has a lot of good things to say doesn't he?

Friday, February 17, 2012

to remember
"This constellation in the dark - grace, thanksgiving, joy - it might be like that - reaching for the stars. So hard. So hard." ~ Ann Voskamp
and "The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread." ~Mother Teresa

I remember ... I do remember.  I was trying to make something ... uh ... happen.  I was using all my sweetness and courage and ... strength.  But ... it didn't happen and it won't happen because it just can't.  Somethings are like that.  You have some inspired idea, but it just doesn't work.  So ... you stop trying, because trying is almost exactly like hurting yourself.  So ... I look at this photo and I do remember, and the memory tightens my throat and burns my eyes.  And ... I decide to look at the light.  I decided to look ... beyond.  And ... I want to forget the idea while I remember it won't work.
^ good gunk  
après spa
leaving hotel to pickup husband for dinner ... will paint other nails at red lights...

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Caribbean body wrap ... ummm, not so much.  The steaming, multi jet shower to wash the mud/algae away ... absolutely worth the price of admission.  The temperature of the shower area was on a thermostat which released steam via an inlet near the floor ... kinda perfect.

I enjoyed the facial as well.  Noticed the "product" felt exactly like what the Estée Lauder consultant has "recommended".  It's on the countertop in my bathroom, and I use it when I remember to.  I demurred when prompted to drop what will be next week's grocery budget on what I think are duplicate products.  I mean seriously, how many different ways are there to ease fine lines and broken capillaries?  The lady who helped with my hair asked me what kind of face stuff I use.
"I wash with Neutragena soap and water ... then I use Estée Lauder eye and that all over stuff ... serum. "
"Oh good," she says, " Estée Lauder is Aveda's  parent company, wish I owed stock!"

Girl stuff can be pretty intimidating.   It's a lot trickier then that all over hair and body stuff that guys use.  We have lots and lots of little bottles ... pricey little bottles.

I began the day with them at nine ... by two I was pretty much exhausted by the process.  It was convenient for them to reschedule my manicure and pedicure ... somewhere along the way we had gotten behind.  I opted to duck out rather then wait 45 minutes.   The scheduler said they would prioritize me tomorrow.  I picked up another little bottle, oyster shell shimmery grey (my made up name for it) nail lacquer. I think I would rather just paint my own ... they will be flecked with high gloss white next week away!

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

found photo ... this is what I'm talking about.

My husband "got the word" yesterday ... It's not official yet, but, I think we can stick a fork in this one. He has accepted a position which will keep us here ... I'm gonna say indefinitely. This is a good thing. more everything for him and therefore, the entire family.

I had big plans to move to the beach and enjoy quasi-illegal modes of entertainment ... I could envision sunsets on the deck with adult beverages ... sailing ... long walks on the beach and days when I didn't even bother to brush my hair ... Figured with a big city across the bay and vacation homes stacked one on top of the other that I would find the absolute perfect little flying gig ... leaving time for Bloody Mary breakfasts at least occasionally. I had some serious visions of "vegging out"! ... Maybe working up a pool game that could consistently make my brother cry like a little sissy boy. Ummm ... Not so much it seems.

Yeah, I'm okay with it. It's not my turn ... I can wait. I might even spend this time formulating a better version of what might be. I hadn't set thebar very high ... yeah, this might be better.

Today is the beginning of a few excellent laidback days in the making ... Tonight, I get to pickup my new laptop. I am especially excited about that. Tomorrow, a spa day. From nine to five, and it may take that long for them to get my nails back in shape! Friday ... window shopping ... hanging with H and her little girl, probably in the hotel pool area ... such a luxury to swim in February.

I am thinking about what I want to do. Ummm ... not in the next few days or even weeks. Over the nest several years. My 24 year old thinks I should re join my gym, and the Jr. League. I'm trying to sort out exactly what it was about the beach fantasy that was so compelling. I've never actually been a sit on my backside kinda girl. I do especially like socializing ... making parties is one of my favorite things. I do a lot of planning for those beach trips ... Bet that's part of the pleasure for me, it feels like a party. I could actually do that right here. The fire pit is a perfect example of how right here could work. A fire outside has fun written all over it. I think this is an attitude thing which can be cultivated. Pretty sure.
And something like this for the back porch ... Because I like it.

I was also really really really looking forward to an awesome bathtub. I told my husband last night when he came home with the good news ... Okay, but this means we have to build a study in the back yard big enough for a pool table and all your books and stuff ... and ... I need my bathtub (so expect to shell out for a master bath re do).

I also need to be figuring out what can be done about my need for air. I miss the smell of airplanes. I miss the shadow falling away. I miss breaking through and finding what is offered on top. I need to figure that out. I need to figure out how to take care of that part of me ... it keeps me out of trouble.

The other thing is these little breaks to look forward to ... I think I need to have one in the planning stages at all times. A trip to Altanta with my camera ... V hasn't seen The Biltmore Estate ... need to short list that.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

"Our passionate preoccupation with the sky, the stars, and a God somewhere in outer space is a homing impulse. We are drawn back to where we came from." Eric Hoffer, 'New York Times,' 21 July 1969, regards the first moon-landing.

~ found photo (idk)

small things

~ found photo (idk)
"We can do no great things - only small things with great love." ~ Mother Teresa

St.Valentine's Day ...

On this day when a large part of the world pauses to think about and be thankful for the loves, all those many loves, in our lives, I am making the floors in my kitchen and breakfast room sing ... The tiles and most importantly the grout are singing a love song. I may be the only one who walks on them that will hear it, but ... a love song none the less. I am re-applying myself towards making the whole house sing. ("The fibers of all things have their tension and are strained like the strings of an instrument." ~Thoreau  I'm thinking I can do towards the songs sung in this house ... more carefully then I have.  The luxury of time may be spent towards this and that may be worth the trade of my days.  that's what I thinking about.  an attitude with actions supporting it ... intentions which may ease similar to what I experience while at the coast or really anywhere outside/nature ... that ease may be brought home as other things less desirable are.)
That's how I'm thinking about it. I had moved the song to over there ... Port A ... aka someday isle. That may have been the best I could do, but now I can do better, and I will.

I read two, sporadically three, blogs. Captain Fave doesn't write near enough, but I keep on checking in. The other blog has quite a bit of variety ... lotsa thinking going on there ... reflections on life/death/whatsit mean/how can it matter ... smarter then that, but I have to chew it in little bites ... It keeps me thinking about the quicksilver, utterly fragile, nature of life, and also ... the impact of that on our loves. Maybe something about vinegar reacting with baking soda makes me feel a little philosophical. Last night I dreamed that I died.

I would be okay with dying, even as I would prefer to continue the adventure of this particular life. This blog has become a little bit about later ... about being transparent to my loves for later when they might want to visit their ole Mom.

“Love won't be tampered with, love won't go away. Push it to one side and it creeps to the other.” ~ Louise Erdrich

This quote is where I'm thinking today ... was thinking about just a few minutes ago as I crawled around behind the fizz bubbling along the seams in the floor.  Love is good. Love, every bit as invisible as God ... I think it swirls the metaphoric DNA of the Creator.  And ... We know little bits of love. And big bits too, right?! I dip my toe in to it ... the shallow end of it and it ooches open and envelopes me. Love makes room for ... one more. The whole pool is enriched by the joy of making room for more.

Love as much as you possible can. Move as far in to the deep of love as you are able.

Other stuff, stuff that inhibits love ... that stuff also doesn't go away. You can "push" it aside, but I think it's important to realize that it creeps. Not Lovely is a creeper guys. Not Lovely doesn't go away. This is what I believe ... You gotta take not lovely by the tail and drag it with you out in to the deepest places of love ... it won't drown there (from what I've seen), but it will dissipate to a more tolerable level. Love dilutes not lovely. Love is the way to go. More is better when it comes to love. Be bold ... brave ... with that idea.

So ... That's one of the things I want you to remember ... it's taken me a while to figure that out.
~ Green-headed Tanager by Frank Shufelt (found)

"The reason birds can fly and we can't is simply that they have perfect faith, for to have faith is to have wings." ~ Sir James Matthew Barrie

"No bird ever flew nonstop from New York to Tokyo, or raced 15 miles high at triple the speed of sound. But birds do something else. They do not conquer the air; they romance it." ~ Peter Garrison

Monday, February 13, 2012

From the summer 2011 sometime

Hmmm... Nice long fun in the sun kind of day! I have never seen the water as perfect -turquoise transparent and warm. Before the girls woke up L and I walked along the beach. I haven't sorted through my pictures yet but I did enjoy seeing a sea turtle today...and I hope there is a nice picture of it as a reminder. The sandpipers and gulls let me get a little closer that I expected them to. There are a few stretches of the old Panama City near this condo. The wildlife definitely prefers the quieter pace enjoyed there. An older man was lying near the water's edge, but up out of the surf and the birds were just walking almost right up to him. He was so still that I waited to see his back rise as his lungs filled before I passed by. Now I am wondering if I should have spoken to him ... good morning, I see you are just back from your morning swim are you okay or are you stroking out this morning... . I suspect he could happily do without his high rise high density neighbors. I did speak to a couple of officious looking gentlemen. "The beaches look lovely today don't they...?" He replied in Spanish - I don't understand English. "Como?!" I said, like whhhaaattt!!??! He touched his ear ... suddenly, he doesn't hear well, poor guy has a meandering malady. Husband said they must be BPs presence on the ground. Probably. Lots of cool helicopters were flying early this morning. I always wave at them. I am a committed tourist! One looped back by and rolled a little setting up a wonderful photo opp for me. I hope it turns out well. I really should take our better camera out to the water's edge on these strolls...I'm afraid it'll get splashed though. A good camera was the first thing we bought when we could almost afford it many years ago. We've had one ever since.

Tonight, we planned on taking Four and Five to Margaritaville for dinner. After strolling out the 1.5 hour wait (seriously) we were called (on my cellphone - seriously) and eventually seated (finally). I was pondering the subtle differences between this frozen concoction and that one on the page long listing (one was called the "perfect margarita" and I thought well, there you go, perfect it will be...) when Four's knee inadvertently touched Five's knee and already frayed nerves sparked up and I heard myself say,"Rather than a hundred dollar dinner that (only I or) no one will enjoy, why don't we cut bait on this one... ." I think everyone except maybe me and the waiter were relieved. Five is snuggled in to her bed now and I hope she dreams about the bazillion turns she took on the thirty foot high water slide today. Four is making a flashlight stroll with her Dad. Kinda lovely I think. And I microwaved a cup of soup, sliced a tomato, put a handful of my favorite Everything crackers on a plate and headed out here to the balcony. I'm on my third glass of icy cold water ... and I have a wonderful (Dune Grass) treat from the Yankee Candle store scenting the already awesome smelling air. The moon is full tonight and the waves just keep on rolling. Bliss.