just notes for me to think abouthttp://http://betweentheradials.blogspot.com/2010/07/gps-route-has-been-programmed.html
Monday, February 28, 2011
I was in bed looking up lists of "Coolest Aviators" on my iPhone when I dropped in on Air and Space Smithsonian Ten Great Pilots. I wasn't familiar with everyone mentioned and thought to read up, one book one person at a time. Then I thought why not borrow from the library ... I haven't been in a library in years. I like to see my books delivered to the front door, or so I thought. I had forgotten how much I love the library. There were so many books on aviation, aviators, aviation histoy, aerodynamics ... rows so high I had to tippy toe to reach ... wow!
I'm going to go walk my dog now and then I'm going to spend some time in that box of books ... waiting just got easier.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
It's easier to trust some one within certain perimeters. Like this: when I was struggling thru all the bull-oney towards the CFI certif I was thinking about just trusting God with that issue. By that I mean this; I thought God was thumbs up on the exercise ... I thought I was on track with the whole "I can do all things thru Christ who strengthens me ...". I had prayed about the commitment for several reasons ... I think it would be wise to pray about as many decisions as possible, but I don't necessarily follow that good plan. Usually, I am in a hurry to just get started!
“The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.”~Thoreau
Anyway ... this was a big deal to me for several reasons. One, I know how I am about finishing what I start ... I may be a bit over the top there ... my husband says I am very predictable once I make a committment ... I am determined and tenacious ... and willing to pay whatever the price to protect those traits. That can be good, but it can also be just plain stubborn - here at this point in my life I see that it has gotten me "played" some. So ... just making the commitment to start something new (that I would have to finish) was something to pray about.
Next, the costs ... financial of course. Because flight instruction is very expensive and because flight instructors make very very little money, I knew I was stepping in to a money pit. Believing that I could earn the job to pay the costs back, made it possible for me to make a "go" decision. I thought it would be cost neutral as far as the money went. The other costs were harder to weigh. On one hand , I think my family is over attended to by me - to their detriment, and being unavailable for every little text messaged request could be really good for everyone. I wondered how they would adjust to me being less available. No way to weigh that. Was I being selfish? Could I handle the guilt?
And, how to say this ... the costs have become an issue in years past on previous experiences... nothing lets you know you are on a very pretty leash like having it jerked. I wasn't sure I could get started just to find out that I might find myself in a no win situation. I felt an interpersonal risk was being taken. Would I be able to cover the potential costs there? I wondered.
The cost of a thing is the amount of what I call life which is required to be exchanged for it, immediately or in the long run.~Thoreau
Nothing about the deal that was structured at the flight school was a concern as I began thinking and praying about the decision. Everything at the flight school seemed firm ... of course it didn't play out that way. The support offered by the flight school seemed to indicate that the time was right.
So, when the opportunity presented I felt that it would be one of my major decisions and certainly a huge chunk of the learning matrix ...by that I mean a place for me to learn some major life lessons. I think a lot of really important stuff is learned with/because of the people we let become important to us and in the places where we risk the most or maybe better said, the places that we find most fulfilling/interesting/challenging/connected. I think for me, flying is the place or activity where I am the most focused and intentional ... sometimes ... other times maybe the most peaceful. I really wanted to feel like I was making a good choice ... the right choice. Maybe it's important to acknowledge here also that I really wanted to train with one particular flight instructor ... if I couldn't work with him I would have chosen to wait maybe even indefinitely for the right instructor. I know I'll keep on learning stuff everytime I fly, but the flight instructor certificate ... seemed special. I really wasn't confident that the instructor I wanted to work with would be willing to work with me. It seemed to me that he had certainly earned the right to train whomever he wanted to for what ever reason he chose. Kinda like God. Or at least Yodaesque.
When I commmitted, I felt that I would be able to bring my whole self to the task and I expected to learn alot - yeah, about aviation related stuff, but mostly about how to listen to God and conform myself to what I thought I was hearing. I had worked up to being able to want to hear and trust God. I wanted to trust him specifically within the quest for the certificate. In hindsight, it worked out to be a lot more interesting then I expected it to be.
I thought I had the trusting God thing pretty well worked out.
Now, I am learning something about totally next generation trust. It is easier to trust God (or anyone) with something specific. Blanket trust is a lot harder. It's a lot harder for me to trust God right now ... when we have completed what I think of as our project. (The plastic is in my flight bag ...we must be mission accomplished.) I'm like, "Okay, thank you very much ... that was epic fun ... a real nail biter there! You rock ... thanks for your time and interest here ... good to go ... I've got it from here." It's hard for me to grapple with trust when I don't have a clue what I'm supposed to be trusting about.
I see trust like this ... you are falling over the edge and someone ... friend or foe ... you don't know, throws you a line ... maybe you can pull yourself up without the help ... if you grab it, it is your last hope, because if it isn't secure you're a goner for sure ... we've all seen that movie.
This may be trust too ...you put all your eggs in a basket that takes two to carry.
This is my problem ... I don't know what God wants me to trust Him with now. I can't identify the basket. I sure don't want to mess up and not show up in the right place at the right time ... I am willing to work really hard, I just don't know what to do ... where to do it. Is waiting the same thing as sitting on one's backside? What am I supposed to do while I wait and what am I waiting on? Those are a few of the questions humming continuously in the background.
I am excited about this ... it's making me grow. If it were less important, I would disengage ... I see myself trying to substitute other important things already ... there is a tension as I try to hold on let go hold on.
This is what I am learning: There is a difference between trusting God with and just trusting God. I am a lot more comfortable with with. Unknowns make me uncomfortable and that is not quite true. Unknowns are interesting too. I admit, I am curious.
Can I really trust God without knowing what I am trusting him about? I didn't realize my life was saying I will trust you with this ... and we'll talk about the other stuff one item at a time. I am seeing my ability to trust, both God and people/stuff, grow. I am seeing myself just sort of go with it ... and honestly when it's not scaring me, like jumping on a flight to who knows where (should I bring a coat?) it makes me smile. I feel excited and curious about what comes next.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
I'm not sure who that was who showed up here and said, "It's all Gucci."
All I am trying to do is manage my day to day operations as I shake every limb on every tree trying to find that opportunity to instruct someone ... just one ... anyone ... in an airplane. I feel sorry for the guy. I hope it's not a kid. I am a little bit afraid that the load of my expectations will cause the CG to be pretty far back ... I'm going to need to find a big guy ... someone with something riding on it himself (herself?) just to balance the trainer ... so to speak.
This is my deal. So far. I live in a town where there is one place to flight instruct ... and they are able to keep the lock on that one place to train sort of thing. If I owned my own plane and had everything perfectly organized to accept students in that airplane, I would not be able to offer training in it at my local airport ... no one can. Yeah, I did my HPA stuff under the radar ... it can be done ... discretely ... but that's no way to run a business. Things are changing here locally ... will that happen fast enough to help me out ? I'm not counting on it! .
Passion. Yes, I will say it out loud. I have a passion for flying. I am willing to accept that Flight Instructor is very likely as far as my career will go. I knew that when I first dared to follow my passion. I say dared, but that word is only a part of it. Dared in the sense to say this is so important to me that I am willing to risk upsetting the status quo to pursue it ... I am willing to pick up cans along the roadside to pay for it ...I am willing to take my chances with whatever for this one very important thing ... I will toss the whole shebang up in the air and let things land where they may ... that kind of passion. The kind of passion that makes waking up in the morning a really good thing. I do not see that kind of passion very often ... rarely, either because it doesn't frequently take root or maybe because it is a private sort of thing ... I hold my cards as close to my chest as possible ... usually.
Why do I love it? Because it is the only place I have ever been where I feel fully me. I can breathe there.
You better believe I will do everything within my ability to make that happen for myself.
I bought in to the idea that my life was to be spent making other peoples lives better. I still believe that is true ... largely true, but not exclusively true. I think we are supposed to be mindful of each other and especially the people we choose to put in our lives ... our significant others. Being the executive assistant in someone elses life ... if you have some inkling of your own goals ... isn't enough. I read someone somewhere recently ranting on women not knowing their place was basically what cratered society as we know it. I know that mindset intimately. I bear the strap marks of that mindset ... and like many good hearted, smart women of my time I struggle which the question ... if I was meant to be a pack mule why did God give me a heart to run? ... or fly? I'm not a feminist ... whatever that is exactly. I was willing to set my own dreams aside ... dreams ... daydreams ... wisps ... nothing more ... in support of my husband's career ... my home ... later my children as precious to me as they are. I was forty before I first sat in the front seat of an airplane. I knew I loved to fly, but it just never occurred to me that I could do that as other then a passenger. Just like my real live ... a passenger along for the ride in someone elses life, offering sweet conversation, but never navigational advice.
I watched the little tire leave the ground ... and then the shadow appear under the plane ... and something significant began to happen to me that day. I came to realise that life is short ... . Maybe it was turning forty ... over the hill happens there right? Maybe it was that my baby would be starting kindergarten ... maybe it was that my husband said we could afford it ... lots of maybe whys ... I don't know why, but I did begin to think about how short life really is, and I began to question how it would be for me to stand before God and answer for how I handled this gift, life, that He gave me.
I really did that ... I spent a lot of time thinking about that ... (I didn't get to start flight lessons for another couple of years after that first flight).
One of the first things I noticed as I imagined myself "de-briefing" with God was that I was standing there alone. My mother and her ideas for how I should do things wasn't anywhere around ... my husband with all his ideas of the perfect wife ... not there ... just God and little ole me. My take away from all this soul searching was that I would be answering for myself and so to me it seemed that I best have a better answer then because they told me to ... . Eve said something like that ... I paraphrase here: "The serpent (who btw you created and placed here ... I didn't even help with the name on this one ...)beguiled me ... that rascally snake ... it's not my fault ... I wasn't thinking for myself ... someone said go for it ... . And right after that Eve similarly gets blamed by Adam. I am not thinking this is funny ... at all. I'm mentioning this here only to support the idea that I think God intends that we will answer to Him and the whole blaming it on someone else doesn't seem to play well. I think ... I believe ... that I will have to answer for the one life that the creator gave me. My husband is a Southern Baptist man ... he believes that he is obligated to tell me what to do. So there has been a bit of a ... what? Let's just say he is supportive of my flying ... otherwise I would not have been able to do this. I know he wishes I were more passionate about keeping his shirts all hanging in the forward position ... . I don't think it would be right for me to be away for overnight charter flying type stuff ... wish I could ... maybe ... I don't think about it really. What I think about is doing right as best I can. Localflight instructing willbe the type of flying Iget to do. I will most likely love it ... and I will find that student with the help of God. Later ... who knows. I'm not thinking very far ahead these days ... there's enough to do right here where I'm at.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Finally the day is done ... This is the fun part ... relax and think about the events of the day. I have a couple of notes to email out and then just chill.
I stood out by the bleachers tonight watching my son's team play baseball (lots of agains). There was a coach there from a school in Florida looking at a couple of the boys and he struck up a conversation with me. He asked me where the restrooms were located and I gestured towards a big oak 'bout 200' over there, saying, "seems like most of the guys prefer that one" ... he laughed first. He came back (from the real restroom ... I do have private school grade company manners when I am behaving well)with a few questions about our boys. I told him these boys have been playing ball with each other since they were hitting the ball off a tee ... several of them will pay for their education with a little red stitched ball. We haven't missed many games in the past 15 years ... and that's just one "team" for one of my five children ... there's been innummeralable Science Olympiad ... Band ... Art Shows ... Sports Teams galore ... PTA ... Scouts ... Dance ... All kinds of great stuff. I have gotten to be there for all their best stuff and if someone is sick ... I get to take care if them ... They haven't had to fend for themselves much. If one of their buds needs a ride ... No problem. A teacher needs a hand with something ... Call me, I can probably help out. One of those old ladies at church asked me if I could help out on the bereavement committee ... basically help out with meals if somebody passes away. I can do that ... definitely ... someone "passing" hits close to home with this lady ... all of her best friends are old ... I sat with her in a hospital room last year ... her only brother was dying ... he talked to me about flying during his war ... he told me that he is certain heaven will be as good as flying was ... she cried when she thanked me for listening so intently ... (Are you kidding?! ... This is some of that holy ground. It is an honor to get to be there for people) I have time for that sort of thing and I especially love older people. I had time to listen to the old soldier behind me in line at the post office yesterday ... believe it or not, he was telling me what came out of his catheter ... almost gross, but he was so delighted ... it was funny ... that's what he wants to talk about ... I can listen to him ... boy, was he fired up about Korea and how everything is in a shit basket ... he said his main regret is that he spent his youth saving the country and has lived long enough to regret it ... I liked him ... spitting vinegar.
This is what I'm thinking about ... I would give anything for the opportunity to live the exact life I've lived. It has been a good life. I have a feeling I'm just now getting to the best part. To me, precisely what you "do" seems less important then what you "do with it".
Yes, I would like to flight instruct. Yes, that didn't go as I thought it would. I really don't like to hear my kids whine, "that isn't fair ...", but I'm thinking that is what I've been saying here. I've been wasting time pouting.
I am going to make myself a promise. This is it: I promise to stop worrying about flight instructing. It will either work out, or it won't. It's pretty much all Gucci either way ... . The truth is, flying, any kind if flying, charter or instructing, is just icing on the cake. (On the super duper cake that I got to bake ... it makes the whole area smell delicious! Plenty for everyone ... that is who I get to be ... there is a ton of joy there and I have been stepping over that to get to the poor me seat ... I am ashamed of myself)
In the previous post, I said I should be ... Happy. I think that's really right ... as in true ... I should be. I'm going to be. I've been looking at things wrong ... I'm letting a little upset over here mess up way more then I should. I have the gift of time ... To do all kinds of things that I think are important, and I pretty much get to choose how my day is going to look ... yeah, there are interesting pop ups, but those really don't bother me much at all. This is my promise to myself ... I'm going to quit acting like a big baby about this flying stuff. I'll do the best I can ... If it works out - good, if it doesn't - okay, them's the breaks. No more fussing.
That worrying this morning was just ridiculous. I just got myself going over nothing. Sometimes women are bitchy with each other - so what? The real me thinks that's kinda amusing/interesting ... it usually doesn't get to me ... it says something about the sender, not the intended recipient ... I know that! That's really just no big deal ... What I was really fretting about was the fact that I wasn't getting ready to do what I thought I should get to do ... Go to work out at the airport. The guys are easy to be around. I fit there ... it's my comfort zone. But not anymore ... So I say, get over it DeAnniebobannie. I mean that in the kindest way. It's time to be thankful for all the great blessing I enjoy. I am very fortunate. Time is the only real commody. I get to spend mine pretty much as I see fit ... that has to make me one of the most fortunate people on the planet.
I like lists ... lists I can cross things off of as they are completed ... I can enjoy making a list of what the day I have to work with might look like. I can make this day it's best version. I can feel good about accomplishing what's in front of me ... rather then fretting for more. It's time for that now.
I should be happy.
I should be ... thankful.
I should be ... all those should bes.
I should be.
Today ... in just a minute I am to start getting ready for a ladies bible study group ... on Daniel. I've already done this particular study and I liked it a lot. I am not really into Bible prophecy ... well, not at all. I'm pretty interested in all the flying scarey stuff portrayed in Revelation, but as for a picture of the future, not so much. I've looked at it enough to see what I think. I think it ends well for the good guys ... and then something else starts ... the sequel looks pretty promising.
This is how I start getting ready for a ladies bible study. I'll stand in my closet looking for something cute and wondering what the other ladies will be wearing ... I will have to be not too cutely dressed, but not under dressed ... what I wear will decide how the other ladies treat me ... for starters.
I'll straighten my hair ... that will take awhile and I'll put it in a ponytail like I almost always do. Someone will say something about how long it is ... they'll make it sound like a compliment but it will be quickly followed up some little pick like ... I wish my hair was that easy, and they'll laugh knowingly with each other. I will sweep the room noticing everyone elses hair-dos. I will see severe bobs angled towards the shoulder blades on some and hair helmets lacquered tightly in place on others. I'll probably be the only woman there with out some hair color product. I'll be glad that I have on full make up ... like a mask (not coated on just the full deal, mascara, eye liner and all.) I'll also notice that I am the only woman in the room who isn't doing a weekly manicure with the fingernail shops ... I will think about up-grading my nails this afternoon ... that could go either way quite frankly ... nothing says what gorgeous nails say quite like gorgeous nails. Gorgeous nails get in the way in the airplane ... gorgeous nail speak the same language that adorable high heel sandals speak ... speaking of which ... today is a sandal day for sure.
I'll find a seat and I'll say a prayer probably ... silently ... I'll ask God to help something wonderful come out of this experience. I should get going ... the least I could do is brush on some clear nail polish. Yeah, I should do that.
Boy was I wrong! Wrong, wrong, wrong. First of all, this wasn't the mean girl group. This was the older ladies group ... the older ladies who I especially love group ... and the pilot's wife who everyone says I would get along with so well. I didn't get the nail polish on before I left and it turns out that it didn't matter at all. As I sat there, listening I realized that this bible study on Daniel was the last important totally non aviation related thing I did right before I got back in to flying and thinking about flying stuff. I'm not saying that I think I'm not going to be flying and thinking about flying stuff for pretty much until I can't but I do think the CFI certificate introducted a different time in my flying career. Getting to see the Daniel study again is kind of like a bookend. The study is basically about integrity. I really liked it. I'm excited about making another in depth look at it. And something else kinda coincidental ... I said I would help out with teaching English as a second language at church and that girl that everyone says is like me is doing that too. Maybe we would like each other.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.
You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is lightning that does the work.
There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable.
Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.
Lord save us all from a hope tree that has lost the faculty of putting out blossoms.
Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.
Laws control the lesser man... Right conduct controls the greater one.
It's no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.
All you need is ignorance and confidence and the success is sure.
Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.
It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so
It is better to take what does not belong to you than to let it lie around neglected. (?!? Interesting, but I disagree)
It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare.
According to the Books of Kings, Elijah defended the worship of Yahweh over that of the more popular Baal (maybe an ancient demon god ... idk, apparently seen as real rather then man-made like a golden calf...). Elijah was a prophet/mouth piece for God. He participated in some truly epic events, culminating in his ascension into heaven in a whirlwind [either accompanied by a chariot and horses of flame, or riding in it (a chariot of the gods type thing)]. In the Book of Malachi, Elijah's return is prophesied "before the coming of the great and terrible day of the Lord," heralding the return of the Messiah (just like John the Baptist announced the New Testament Christ), and the eschaton (refers to the end of the present world) in various faiths that revere the Hebrew Bible. Derivative references to Elijah appear in the Talmud, Mishnah, the New Testament, and the Qur'an. See just about any "holy" book or wikipedia (lol) for more on Elijah...
"Elijah is also a figure in various folkloric traditions. In Macedonia, Serbia, Bulgaria, and Romania, he is known as "Elijah the Thunderer" and in folklore is held responsible for summer storms, hail, rain, thunder, and dew."~Wikipedia again and c/p here for my amusement.
(baal used to get top billing as the thunder god ... maybe where the idea of stealing one's thunder originated). I think it's funny that a guy noted for departure in a wheel inside a wheel is also associated with the trouble makers of aviation weather ... but I digress ...
(and dew? really? Who did the fleece/dew thing?).
If there ever was a man who I would think would be rock solid, it would be Elijah. Elijah is the model for boldly and directly standing up for what is right. (This suddenly reminded me of a movie I viewed recently ... The Book of Eli ... bit grisly for me, but recommended, and Denzelicious) Back to boldly standing up for ... knowing what's right, speaking up for what is right, unselfconsciously, passionately doing what is right ... until one day ... Elijah got scared and/or tired and ran and hid in a cave (of solid rock?). I totally understand tired. I understand scared too ... scared that you just aren't up to the task ... or like singing in public is for me - just scared of being so vulnerable. Tired and scared come in the same package for me.
God again speaks to Elijah (1 Kings 19:9): "What doest thou here, Elijah?". Elijah did not give a direct answer to the Lord's question but evades and equivocates, implying that the work the Lord had begun centuries earlier had now come to nothing, and that his own work was fruitless. ~Wikipea - makes it very easy to snap shot the story here.
It is a wonderful strange puzzling ... epic ... story. Here's this guy ten feet tall and bullet proof, living large ... and then folding ... and running for his life.
I've been thinking about all the lessons swirling around Elijah for several months now. I like that he "put himself out there" in service ... or maybe a better feel for it would be in submission to what God had planned for him. He had a full plate didn't he? I like to think of him mastering his human fears and pushing on. I like that,even for a guy like him, one day it was just too much ... . I like that God is like, Uhh, what are you doing Elijah? It's just funny to me. Elijah must have been pretty tired because, although he pulled it together and participated in some more of God's master plan, pretty soon in the Bible narrative he departs for a nice long break (I hope it's superduper nice ... his reappearance in the book of Revelation is pretty rough). I really like that he was on speaking terms with God ... and listening terms ... a real relationship.
So ... there's only one Elijah. Wow. He had, and still has, a huge role in God's plan for humanity.
I think we are all part of the plan, interwoven in the plan ... we all have our roles in a drama too large to see from here.
One of my most favorite things is getting to notice a person just doing the right thing. In my own tiny life I have benefited from people passing through just doing the right thing ... a tiny right thing can change a life. A tiny right thing ... so small ... maybe so casually offered that it goes unnoticed by the person doing it... .
I like Samson (in the Bible). He did a lot of foolishness. He showed up for what God had in mind occasionally too. (Samson was strong ... warrior-like. His skill set when focused for God's purpose was an incredible gift.) Those guys are all over the Bible. We put them on a pedestal, making them larger then just guys ... but the truth is they are all just severely flawed humans who occasionally (more or less so) stumble and or stride boldly towards just doing the right thing.
What I have noticed this ... those casual acts of rightness are most frequently offered within areas of personal passion or maybe better stated as areas of interest or strength ... where a person pours oneself ...into ... out on. If that is true (and I think it is), then we best serve or submit, when we offer back within those areas. Seems like our true purpose is found there.
Those small acts seem to me to be little scraps, sewn together by God into something larger, covering ... comforting ... encouraging ... sheltering us.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
One thing I was thinking about later in the day, was what my husband said a few days ago. I told him that I am just about ready to let this dream go ... there is a lot of maintenance on a pilot's skill set. Yeah, people like to say it's like riding a bike, but last time I checked ET was the only one able to get a bike above the tree line. It's not at all like riding a bike. Yes, I could not fly for many many years and still probably land the plane respectibly well. The rust is around the probably.
My husband has known me for a long time. He analyzes me like a superduper science project ... he understands my trends ... what I will do in just about any given situation ... he can predict that more accurately then I can. How I feel ... why I feel ... what motivates me (unless it measurable like a challenge) he doesn't get that. Sometimes that's a really good thing, because sometimes feelings can carry you away. He is only/all logic ... Spock-like with out the quirky sense of humor or the ears. He has observed that I am passionate about only two things. Surprising ... I would have said maybe more than two ... yes definitely more then two, but this is his observation.
The two things? Flying/Aviation and Writing.
He says the most important things I can hope to contribute with my life will be expressed with in those two areas where I am most passionate ... he says that is the language that my heart hears. He doesn't understand all this up and down, back and forth, that I am feeling. He says everything will work out. I told him that I think God wants me to "be more in the day" ... that I had been thinking about that for a few months now. He said that is exactly how God wants us to be ... kind of a daily bread idea (my words,not his).
My husband reminded me of Elijah who did a lot of cool stuff and then suddenly became so afraid that he ran to hid in the caves ... I know this story well ... not gonna recount it here ... just to say what my husband said, which was, that God was heard not in the big weather events, but in a still, small voice. He said that was a voice used in a relationship ... between God and Elijah. He said the relationship took place in a human scale ... and also that that is a current event on the time continuum. He said the things I am passionate about are gifts ... from God ... and the places where I may most contribute to the large picture that I cannot see, but which God is working on. My husband says (and it's true I know) that I am good at relationships and that just because I am very afraid that things are not going well with what seems to be my thing doesn't mean that I should run to the caves to hide ... so to speak ... . My husband is encouraging me to believe that God has it worked out ... whatever it is, is good.
I'll try to work this out more clearly tomorrow ... I know what I'm thinking, just not quite how to say it.
Last night I kept on having a dream ... of a picture. It was on heavy canson paper ... creamy colored ... it was a line circling in, hand drawn, loose, relaxed, almost lazy ... and it came to a point near the center of the paper and began circling back out. It sounds odd, I know, but in a strange way it was comforting. Like waves. Sometimes I could see the line moving in (like an etch-a-sketch) and back out ... some times I just saw a finished drawing. I was restless last night. Tonight I am completely tired ... and all my work is done for today.
I am still working on yesterday's stuff. A kid called before lunch. I don't know him ... couldn't even place the name ... then I realize he's the second gen (Dad was here years ago ... now flying out of Arizona) recipient of special kid glove mentoring services offered by the senior pilot in the area who I also consider a friend. He gave this kid my number. The kid wants to talk about CFI stuff ... he's getting ready to bail on being screwed over here at the local flight school ... as I did back in September. He wants some insights ... we talk. Turns in to a long talk ... which was okay, that hands free stuff with my phone is really nice ... which turns in to him wanting to buy me lunch so he can see what I put together for my CFI notebook ... and stack of Oral Prep stuff ... and I tell him I'll do coffee one morning later in the week ... call me back and we'll set it up. "What/who was that?" husband casually wonders and I tell him it was one of Steve's guys and so I'm gonna help him out. Husband says I would help him out anyway cause that's just how I am ... which is true. So I was stewing on that a little this morning ... the whole after the certification process thing for me ... and how it hasn't gone as I expected. Seems like no matter which way I turn it's just not coming together. I can't keep on at this ... it's like being in an indefinite hold ... I'm just about tapped out on fuel so to speak. I re-boot for the afternoon house wifery duties ... grocery shopping ... comes right after refrigerator and pantry cleaning ... I swear there is so little time for bon-bon popping! Receive texts from kids requesting services ... four of the five remain with "Center". And a surprise chat with a long lost friend ... 25 years ago friend ... started our marriages and little families ... church and zoo days ... can I borrow your new high heels friend. There were six of us ... and we all got along so well. Then we, my family, moved away and slowly, but surely, I lost touch with all of them. She was catching me up. Mostly news of horrible divorces and kid's in and out of rehab ... unbelievable news. They are all still in their early thirties in my mind's eye ... with precious sweet smelling babies. No broken dreams ... .
How do I look right now? She wants to know and I ping her a picture. She looks about the same too ... still a vivacious blonde ... we would still be friends if we lived close by ... we laugh about an old (painful for me) memory of her trying to get me to use a thing (I think it was called an epi - torture, something like that) for pulling the hair on my legs out ... yeah seriously ... now she has her whole legs waxed she tells me ... by Asian entrepreneurs ... I'm listening and shaking my head no way ... I think the vibrating Gillette fusion razor is daring enough ... we girl talk back and forth while I shop (yeah that's what our top secret girl talk is about ... perfecting smooth finishes and such) ... and then we promise to keep in touch better. Out of six couples, only two marriages remain ... makes that fifty percent thing look pretty good.
It takes a lot of emotional energy to put the best face forward. I am tired. It's really good that I have a ground school (maybe) to plan for ... otherwise I think I'd have to pack this stuff away. Is there some stone I've left unturned? I wonder.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Alan Watts - "The New Alchemy" (1958), Zen Buddhist
Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment. ~Buddha
It is better to travel well than to arrive. ~Buddha
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Some thing very different is going on with me. I'm trying some thing different. A different perspective for me ... which is "go with the flow". That seems like something, an attitude that would be very comfortable to adopt ... like slipping into a warm terry cloth robe after a nice long soak bath ... who wouldn't want that?
What seems more natural for me is planning. Like a flight plan.
Flight plans make sense to me. I am a big believer in planning (plan the work work the plan ... that has been my motto ever since when ... .) I like to identify a starting point and that point ... probably not a final destination, but definitely where this life is currently headed.
A direct B direct C direct ...
There's a lot to be said for GPS direct, but so many little lessons are forfeited for expediency. That's a different story.
I loved when things went all wrong on a flight and plan B was called for on the fly ... very exciting, but plan B was always a result of plan A being well planned, that's how I see it ... like riffing on a foundational melody.
Here's a quick example ... Plan A is to depart runway 36 to the NW climbing 3000 ... and at 500'agl you find that you have lost you engine like sometimes happens on training flights ... now it's time for plan B which was briefed before take off ... if the training event or real life kicks in sooner ... or later ... you already have a pretty good idea of what plan C or D would look like ... if you don't, you may be jumping quick forward to plan F (which is never preferable). Wow, that's a lot of time there just to say this: I like a plan, I like to plan, I like to know the protocol ... the proper etiquette. I'm not saying that I absolutely won't make stuff up, wag it a bit here and there, as I go along in life, but ...
“Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.” ~T.S.Eliot
...I love that quote. I am definitely willing to risk going too far, but up 'til just here recently I would get there with a plan (and a uber organized flight bag as well).
I am noticing that I am wading in to relaxing ... like a little child at the shore, I really want to get in the water ... so I take two steps in and one step back ... trying to get in at least waist deep ... wanting to swim.
The last two pictures I have worked on, one painted from a picture I particularly admired and the other drawn as a rough sketch, I knew what I wanted them to look like. Yesterday, I experimented with a totally different approach to creating something. I didn't really plan it. I knew what the elements would be and I had an idea of what I would say it was when it was finished, but it's really just something to hold a little bit of my love.
I like my little wooden bowl and my old green ceramic platter. My brother sent a bunch of feathers that were shed by peacocks on his property. I made this for someone who like fairies ... so, that decided the charm ... and I just selected some beads and thread that I thought the person who I made this for would like. Here's the point: I just assembled some little things and sat with the pieces ... fiddling ... and it kinda made itself. I collected the pieces, but I didn't know what it would look like until it was finished. I like it. It turned out just fine without a lot of planning.
Part of where I find myself in life is this ... I planned well, and I executed the plan well ... and I seem to be sitting on the ground with low visibility at the wrong airport. Uh oh. I have been battling at the bummers. I have been wondering, "How did this happen?"
I don't know exactly how to express this because it is new to me, but I'm going to try. I'm trying to relax. I'm trying to not plan. I'm trying to go with the flow. A friend of mine and I have been texting more then usual lately and I asked how many texts are allowed in your plan ... my plan has unlimited texting so I guess I felt compelled to check out their plan ... my friend said "Don't worry about it." What a novel idea.
That's been the week ... don't worry about it ... and maybe I don't have to plan every thing ... maybe I can just go with the flow ... . It's funny to watch myself trying to embrace the chilled out within. I'm not great at it, but I like trying.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
I am thinking about those dreams ... where I just chill a while. I am thinking about cherishing those dreams. I haven't been. I've been trying to figure out how to stay on task ... not relaxing exactly ... okay, not relaxing at all ... I know how easily dreams can slip away.
My daughter, Revel, frequently asks me questions like, "What is your favorite word?" Questions like that always make me smile ... because I like words and because even though she doesn't know this, she has been asking me questions like that all her life ... she also likes words. The book Eat, Pray, Love expressed the idea that the word that one chooses may represent where they are in life, or even this ... what is the one word for my town? And I may say transitional, because it is a college town and the main feel for me is that people come through here on the way to somewhere else. And because transitional is the way I experience my place I may find myself in a constant state of transition. Does that make sense? Not do you agree ... am I saying what the author said in a way that makes sense? Ft. Worth was the home I chose ... Ft Worth, emerald like a forest primeval ... yeah, to me it was never Cowtown ... to me it was precious, nurturing, jeweled and green ... . My first impression was formed right there on University exit at the gardens.
She asked me for my word two days ago. She had a word to share too (pulchritude=Great physical beauty and appeal , she likes it because she says it is ironic that such an unappealing word carries beauty).
This morning, after everyone left for school and the house got quiet, I was looking out my kitchen window (where a bubbling rock should be) and I thought of what is probably my word. Determine. Determine like figure out and determine like execute. I better see what Mr. Webster has to say about determine.
•establish after a calculation, investigation, experiment, survey, or study; "find the product of two numbers"; "The physicist who found the elusive particle won the Nobel Prize"
•shape or influence; give direction to; "experience often determines ability"; "mold public opinion"
•fix conclusively or authoritatively; "set the rules"
•specify: decide upon or fix definitely; "fix the variables"; "specify the parameters"
•decide: reach, make, or come to a decision about something; "We finally decided after lengthy deliberations"
•fix in scope; fix the boundaries of; "the tree determines the border of the property"
•settle: settle conclusively; come to terms; "We finally settled the argument"
•find out, learn, or determine with certainty, usually by making an inquiry or other effort; "I want to see whether she speaks French"; "See whether it works"; "find out if he speaks Russian"; "Check whether the train leaves on time
•determined - devoting full strength and concentrated attention to.
Here we go ... I obviously love that copy and paste feature.
and something serendipitous ... •Determine (1951-1972), was a multiple stakes winning American Thoroughbred race horse.
I think that's what makes this sitting around so difficult for me ... and by sitting around I mean not flight instructing. I had determined that flight instructing would be what I would do ... with the time left over for me ... the time left after all my promises to other's was/were honored. That was a promise I made to myself. And it is only right to say, A lot of people helped me honor the journey towards the honoring of that promise ... I brought what I could bring ... determination ... but that would never have been all it took. It took some help from friends and from people who became friends.
I also love the word cherish ... let's find a color for cherish ... cherish ... coral is good but not quite just right ... hmmm ... cherish ...oops ... it disappears there ... cherish ... maybe cherish is a black and white kind of word.
Friends... they cherish one another's hopes. They are kind to one another's dreams.
I value cherish. Maybe I need to be thinking about that more and determine(d) just a little less. I had (have) a dream ... I have many friends who also have and do cherish my hopes and are kind to my dreams ... .
I have known that. It's not a new idea. And cherishing the people I cherish is probably what I do best.
I have decided to work in my yard ... serious yard stuff, like a small round deck with landscaping and a bubbling rock/dry river bed kind of thing ... that will help with just about everything. My husband is working on his top three ... that is uber important to him (and to me if I had more sense). Last time I was on break from flying I totally re-did the front yard and it still looks good ... I have plenty of work to do just loving up the back yard even without a building project, but I would like creating something special out there ... .
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
The ground school class "proof" catalogue of class offering came. I have a syllabus out on my work table ... thinking about developing the reading assignments that will support this 11 sessions, or is it twelve? I don't know and that bothers me. I am not quite myself ... not quite enthusiastic about this class offering. I know I will pour myself in to it eventually. Right now I just feel like I'm drifting. Floating? Things seem so sort of pointless, like I'm wasting my days. I don't know how retired people do it! Yesterday, I cleaned the bathroom floor with hydrogen peroxide. Just because I saw the bottle there when I delivered a fresh stack of perfectly folded towels. I enjoyed cleaning the floor with hydrogen peroxide ... and a scrub brush. That is troubling.
I've been thinking about this Appalachian Trail thing. I feel bitchy about that. I mean, seriously, three months (not all at once) to walk the trail, just because I think I want to? Well, I know I want to, but why? Isn't there something interesting and challenging I could do that would actually benefit someone? And why try to cajole my husband in to something like that ... he doesn't have enough time to do the things he actually wants to do. See ... the deal is, he has interesting things to do ... and that is good. Getting interesting things to do for myself is pretty much my job ... that's what I think. This flight instructor non job is busting my chops. It's not that I am not a patient person, it's that it seems like this isn't going to work out. Not here in this town where my life is. Charter flying doesn't work for me at this time in my life either. I'm not just having a little pity party here, I am trying to figure out what I am supposed to be doing with my life. February tends to be a difficult time of the year for me because I think of my dad and brother who both died in February. So, I'm already just a bit ... I don't know ... not really mournful at all, more like aware that our days come to an end. You get a life ... you get to live it ... you should be mindful that each day is a gift. I feel like I am wasting some days here ... folding the towels so perfectly as though it matters.
My bud did text back his five bullet points from Ecclesiastes. Here's his take on it.
+ Everything is meaningless
+ Work hard
+ Enjoy the fruits of your labor, eat and drink
+ treasure your wife as she is your gift from God
+ praise God
I would agree with that list. He said he read up on it because Solomon was noted as the wisest and therefore ahead of the game. I'm not sure that this list will be helpful as he goes through chemo.
I remember those two dreams that I wrote about here ... one was where I was a passenger in a truck, the other found me flying a King Air to some little field in the middle of no where ... in both dreams my companion bolted and I was left wondering what was going on. I don't think the companion was a person but more a representation of my life activities. In both dreams I felt that I was just supposed to chill out. I am just not very comfortable with chilling out ... it seems like wasting time. And I laugh at myself a bit here because I just said I am spending my time doing experiments on where the most bubbles will occur on the bathroom floor and I am certain that that is a total waste of time. Seems like I have time to waste. My dog certainly appreciates it. I do enjoy walking where no one is near and singing along out loud with my tunes. It doesn't bother Sammy.
Not doing as well with waiting on my mud to settle today. I will try again tomorrow.
And did you know
Your stairway lies on the whispering wind? ~Led Zeppelin -> Stairway to Heaven
Sometimes you just get a song in your head. One of the things I enjoy about movies is the sound track. It's interesting to see what music will be selected to accompany the story ... sometimes, for me, the music is the best part of a story. Sometimes, I like to pick out a song that I think goes with what's going on in life or what's going on in a picture even.
Recently, I saw a beautiful picture. It was of the sun gilding a golden veneer on clouds that seemed to zig zag a little as they ramped right up towards the setting sun. The clouds seemed to stop at a shimmering portal ... it looked like the door w to a very bright room was thrown wide open. Above the sun the sky was still blue ... that perfect French blue ...and it was laced with charcoal grey. It was already a beautiful picture, but making it super cool was a very faint sun pillar radiating up, calling out as a beacon light does.
The photo is soft, like a watercolor ... it was taken looking Westward ... a sunset over the Pacific.
You can almost see angels walking up and down the ramp ... just a fancy. But if angels come and go, this would certainly be a pleasant way to travel "between" here and there. It's like a stairway to heaven.
I can see the inspiration that builders of old must have found as they designed and constructed their sacred mounds and ziggurats. Were they trying to shortcut this process where by we come to know God. Were they reaching for the light?
I'm a bit bluesy this morning ... the song, Stairway to Heaven talks about buying a stairway to heaven and I'm thinking that is surely what we all do ...
The cost of a thing is the amount of what I call life which is required to be exchanged for it, immediately or in the long run." ~Thoreau
...and we buy it and we build it one day at a time, with our lives. I'm not talking about grace, I'm talking about the Refiner's fire.
O heart of man! canst thou not be
Blithe as the air is, and as free? ~Longfellow
Blithe is such a sweet word. I'm thinking about Zeppelin's whispering wind today ... Longfellow must have been thinking of those fair weather days when the air does seem to be blithe and free. The wind does seem to whisper on those days.
And as we wind on down the road,
Our shadows taller than our soul,
There walks a lady we all know.
Who shines white light and wants to show?
How everything still turns to gold.
And if you listen very hard the tune will come to you at last.
When all are one and one is all, yeah, to be a rock and not to roll. ~Zeppelin
I think this little bit goes here as well:
Yes, he is time, Lusty and blithe, Time is at his apogee!
Although you thought to see
A bearded ancient with a scythe
No reaper he that cries "take heed!."
Time is at his apogee.
Young and strong in his prime
Behold the sower of the seed. (Choral Dances from Gloriana - Benjamin Britten)
For me, this represents the idea that this life (with a few moments of intense joy, and a few moments of soul searing pain) is really not much more then the sowing of a seed. And that seed comes to fruition in eternity ... over there. Yeah, it makes me wonder.
Past time to walk my dog.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
From: DAYLIGHT AND MOONLIGHT
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
Someone I care about told me that he has to start chemo. This is hard to hear. He tells me that no one dies from this type if cancer ... He is sad to think of losing his hair ... And all that. I just really hate to think of him in this situation. We were talking about King Solomon ... I say he was the original Goth guy. My friend says Eccl can be summarized by five points. I'm trying to focus in remembering what he said.
I'm going to have to text him. I just can't remember. He said the best a man can do is love his wife and I just thought this kid deserves a really awesome wife.
A DAY OF SUNSHINE
O gift of God! O perfect day:
Whereon shall no man work, but play;
Whereon it is enough for me,
Not to be doing, but to be!
Through every fibre of my brain,
Through every nerve, through every vein,
I feel the electric thrill, the touch
Of life, that seems almost too much.
I hear the wind among the trees
Playing celestial symphonies;
I see the branches downward bent,
Like keys of some great instrument.
And over me unrolls on high
The splendid scenery of the sky,
Where though a sapphire sea the sun
Sails like a golden galleon,
Towards yonder cloud-land in the West,
Towards yonder Islands of the Blest,
Whose steep sierra far uplifts
Its craggy summits white with drifts.
Blow, winds! and waft through all the rooms
The snow-flakes of the cherry-blooms!
Blow, winds! and bend within my reach
The fiery blossoms of the peach!
O Life and Love! O happy throng
Of thoughts, whose only speech is song!
O heart of man! canst thou not be
Blithe as the air is, and as free?
~HENRY WADSWORTH LONGFELLOW
Reminds me of flying ... that's why it's saved here ... just think what he might have made of flight.
Beech Bonanza ... beautiful engine ... really a very lovely airplane ... the TPM surprised me, I mean really?! And you push to open?!? I am always entertained by how the iPhone photographs the prop ... I keep on telling myself to read up on this weirdness ... The airplane was great, and I super enjoyed the little flight. It had really nice avionics but the engine was really good.
One of the news outlets ... well they do have news... that I like to look at is : DIGG http://http://digg.com/news
The article I linked is about kissing ... how Men and Women see it differently. It made me laugh. Several times, and it is a short article.
So, one of my buddies, who bases here locally, has a little maintenance flight today and has invited me to fly along. He wasn't sure when ... maybe this morning ... maybe this afternoon ... he'll give me at least a thirty minute warning to get out to the airport. I'm going to tidy up my kitchen and get my flight bag set to go ... and Sammy will have to be content to stay a bit closer to home today ... we'll have to do laps rather then roam mode. I am looking forward to a little fresh air ... the fresh found up there.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Our anniversary is in May ... the official website for the trail says May would be optimal hiking conditions (historically). I am supposed to be getting this thing planned and materials/equipment gathered. I am going to start by ordering the AT trail guide for the Southern portion. I am a kind of an in for a penny in for a pound kind of person. He is more the try it out type. I say that defeats the purpose of this little jaunt. What I am looking for with an experience like hiking the trail can not be accomplished in three or four days. I am looking for a journey ... not exactly the same thing as a short hike, but ... I guess that is what is being offered. I am afraid that three days ... four days ... out there will present most of the discomforts without hinting at the majesty which might be found within, as well as in the vistas. I told him that I think if we spent three months out there hiking the trail together that we could find our way back to not who we were when we first began to love each other, but maybe who we might become as we journey towards what our future may hold. I guess I am looking for that pearl ... maybe I should just settle for a ring. After all these years together we maybe shouldn't be tromping through the woods unsupervised by our children ... .
Well, I believe a few days out there will convince both of us that this isn't a good idea ... it would take at least a month to push through the stuff and make the experience worth while ... that's what I think.
So what I'm going to do is take a serious look at the cost of doing a four day trip ...I'm going to plan it as if. I will enjoy the exercise. I am certain that I can find appropriate hiking buddies at some later date. Either, or both of my sons would be strong possibilities. When I figure out the cost I will look at some of the Robert Trent Jones golf packages ... my husband golfs ... well. He has a golf buddy who would be flexible enough to spend a long weekend golfing. All of those RTJ venues have spas for the wives ... maybe not all, but the ones I'm thinking of do. Wouldn't it just make sense to spend the day slathered in mud from the rain forest ... soaking in seaweed infused splendour ... while he golfs. He loves to golf. That AT experience has bad idea flags flying at each point of entry.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Yesterday was ... well, it had it's rough moments ... it's those little planes flying over. I love to see the big guys scratching contrails white and long against the blue sky. Where are they headed ... how high are they ... how cold is their metal ... I watch them, if I can, 'til they disappear behind the trees. I never think I should be flying that one. I almost always say a prayer for their safety while I watch the evidence that they flew over dissipate or whatever the winds aloft are promoting at that time in that place.
I love to hear helicopters fly over, their engines chopping out sound waves scattered all around by the rotors. Helicopters just sound cool. I never think I should be flying one of those.
It's the little planes ... the small singles and the light twins that catch at my heart ... I don't watch them. They make my eyes a bit blurry.
This is a time for waiting to see what's really going to happen. This is a time for composing myself ... re-setting my class notes for this different group of ground students who I hope are signing up for my class. This is a different time. In a way it's kind of exciting ... like meeting a new person that you think you like ... maybe you'll learn something important from the time spent with them ... maybe they will make you smile or even laugh out loud and leave a happy memory that can be openned again ... like a gift. I have a package in the hall waiting for a few more pieces and then it will be mailed to a friend of someone I admire. In the box I have placed my favorite booklet of postcards ... I bought them for myself on a happy day several years ago and when I take them out (of the drawer of my bedside table) and look at them I feel that same happy radiating through time. The recipient of these postcards will experience them totally differently ... I know that. She will choose from among the complete booklet and send them out to people she wants to bless. I love the idea of that. I never intended to pull the set apart ... i always meant to pass it along intact. If I love it so much how can I let it go? I can let it go because it is a thing, because the happy from it has been savored enough, and because I have some other pictures that I also love to look at and think about now. I made that connection today when I was doing yoga ... there are some images that I love to see when I close my eyes. They are pictures taken from inside an airplane ... all of my favorites, the ones I can see best when I close my eyes, are of the sky ... clouds and light ... maybe a tiny little planet way out there helping keep our universe in harmony. Today, I feel like I can wait patiently again ...
“Do you have the patience to wait until your mud settles, and the water is clear? Can you remain unmoving until the right action arises by itself?” ~ Lao-tzu
That's it ... just a note today. I always feel better when I work out. I think I could be spending this time training for that trail deal. I've got shoes and I've got ground ... my dog would be interested in helping out with that.
Friday, February 11, 2011
And it's movie night for my Prince Charming ... there is a movie I want to see The Eagle ... and an Adam Sandler movie that he wants to see (with Jennifer Anniston, but I don't remember the title)
I have sat here at the computer reading up on a few topics I am very interested in, and then I looked back at a page on this blog ... something about dreading this day ... and I have gone and made myself quite sad. I have poppies blooming on my work table here and I don't think you get to be sad with real flowers just right there ... and a movie to look forward to.
Every little freaking plane that flies over makes me ask ... when ... what about me?
I'm not in a bad mood, but I don't really want to be around people ('cept my people) because I feel ... what ... like I'm faking a good attitude? ... like all the work I did for this isn't, wasn't a big deal to me ... the guys text/fb wanting to know what'sup ... when am I going to apply out there and I tell them I am not going to ... that I am waiting on a key to a different airplane ... but they all know me ... they saw me busting my butt out there and they know I wanted to instruct out there ... I'm just wondering if I should move on to some other idea of what the next couple of years should look like for me, some new challenge. I am really tired in my heart of having this picture of how I think things are and then finding out that I was wrong ... I wasn't seeing the whole picture ... maybe I was seeing only what I wanted to look at. I bet my stuff is looking pretty rusty now. I really should have taken up marathon running. Maybe I should do that now. I don't regret pouring my self into this ... I just thought if I worked as hard as it required that ... it would go the way I thought it would. I wasn't planning on some big career ... I just wanted to teach and I knew I would be good at it. I kinda hate that all my student evals were emailed to me last week. Why would I need them? Why did I read them? It just kinda makes it worse ... I thought I had this thing sutured up. The kids said I was the most positive part of the class ... and they liked that I was available to help them individually ... that my honestly and willingness to share my personal experiences made a difference for them ... and my enthusiasm ... and encouragement . The kid who is teaching the class I taught told me he doesn't expect to finish the semester ... as soon as his stuff (helo school) comes through he's outta here. I don't blame him ... he's a good kid, and that's the way this game is played. His flight students represent rent and groceries ... and a bridge to there. I like him ... I like most of them. He called them my little birds and I acted bitchy rather then ... I made him feel stupid for being kinda sweet ... he was confused by my reaction. I behaved poorly to cover my tender spot. I gotta get better at not putting my heart out there. I figured that there was no way I could get hurt here.
Not a w***** maybe not even a whiner ... maybe just tired.
That ground school course I'm offering to the community begins late in March. This crazy weather, and his work, have kept us from meeting with the owner of the plane I think will be available to instruct in ... . I don't know. I'm pretty sure this should be a little bit less important to me then it is. Sometimes it might just be best to cut bait. I haven't figured that out yet.
I like that I don't have to work for someone I don't respect. I don't like that I don't have a job. I'm starting to feel like a Barbie doll again ... like I'm spending my days other then how I would. That doesn't make sense probably. I mean, remember how we used to dress them up and moved them around ... now they are posed here ... now in the pink convertible ... zoomzoom ... Barbie doesn't think about stuff, she is a doll ... she doesn't even blink.
I should be outside, pulling weeds, trimming dead wood, raking the few straggling oak leaves that fell back around Thanksgiving and landed here and there in my flower beds. I could be getting ready to plant pansies. But I'm not. Not today. Today is a special day.
Today I was at the DMV with Four ... we have another licensed driver in the house. Pretty sure she will rock this. She is tuned in to what is going on around her. You have to be when you're number four of five ... .
I am embarrassed to admit that I dropped the ball this morning. Yesterday she asked me what all she would need to present to the examiner today ... I've been through this process with her three older siblings ... look it up on line and see to it, I instructed. I don't want my kids calling me years from now to direct them on things they can do themselves ... she made a list and set about collecting her birth certificate etc. On the drive over I showed her how we keep our proof of insurance and ownership in a baggie in the glove compartment of each car ... and that should she be asked for it for any reason by a police officer, not to worry ... this is how it's packaged in our cars. Then we arrive, precisely on time (like I like) at the DMV ... she has everything she needs uber organized (like I like). The officer was all smiles as she presented each item ... and then he asked for my Driver's license. I opened my clutch to where it is kept at all times unless I take it out to put it with my pilot certificates ... and there it wasn't.
Yeah, I was very surprised ... and embarrassed ... all this talk about personal responsibility. I remembered using it to scrap ice from the windshield on Tuesday... the lady at the gym asked for it on Wednesday ... where in the world could it be I thought as I rummaged through the little purse. I showed him the paper temporary ... expired of course. I knew it had to be in my flight bag tucked in between certificates and my medical. Of course my flight bag is back at home ... can't leave that precious headset and the brothers just laying about! I kick myself all the way home. She's like, "Don't worry about it Mom." But I do. After her test, she has made arrangements to have lunch with some of her friends ... I am afraid that this deviation will affect her plans. (What a great kid.)
When we got back over there I discretely ask "Is there anyway I could have two copies of my driver's license?" He wants to know why and I explain that I need one with my pilot certificates which I don't carry around in a wallet because I don't carry a wallet ... I really don't even carry a purse ... I carry a debit card and a phone and that's about it. The license in the clutch stays in the car under the seat. He says the only way I can get another license is if I "lose" mine ... he says people who need two licenses just get a replacement for the one they lost ... and just in case I don't catch his drift, he winks at me. "Hmmm, Thank you very much, I do seem to be getting a bit careless lately." While my girl is out taking her road test, I google Replacement licence in my State. First paragraph explains how and where ... second paragraph explains the consequences of acquiring an replacement DL under false pretenses. I am not a good liar. I don't think I would do well in prison either. Back to square one ... DL out of flight wallet and back in clutch may need to be a checklist item.
I am excited about the super special birthday cake I will make for Sunday lunch. I was inspired by a picture in a magazine Wednesday night. A big girl cake ... something elegant. She is growing up. I wouldn't tweak a thing about her!
Thursday, February 10, 2011
I remember when I first married ... I suggested to my husband that we make a commitment to disagree only when sitting in the bathtub together ... preferably in warm water. He immediately agreed ... great idea ... we'll resolve all our issue in the bathtub ... but no bubbles.
We have never done that. Now, thirty years in to this, I think "alone with warm water and bubbles ... and some music" ... may be a more satisfactory way to resolve differences ... of perspective, if not opinion. We have a catalogue of past negotiations ... we pretty much know how things are going to go.
It's interesting to me to see couples, like my husband and I, who have been married for a long time. Thirty years is a long time, isn't it? How much of me has been shaped, nurtured, sculpted by the life we have experienced together? He knows I like to white water raft and hike. That may not make his list of top 100 ways to spend a day. On the other hand, he will spend hours and hours walking along the beach with me, patiently stopping while I look at a shell or frame a picture.
Last night, at 8:00, Four had basketball practice, and needed a ride to the gym. "I'll take you" he said when she walked in to the room in her little pink Nike shorts and (her sister's) sweatshirt. Awesome, I thought, Bubblebath time for me. I had been fiddling with the olive in my martini ... the martini I didn't want ... for awhile as we discussed our issues with our adult children. I am willing to stop having issues with them because they are adults ... my husband is still insistent on offering advice that we all know they are not ready to hear. It's good advice ... but because they are adults, it's time to wait for them to seek advice, rather then serve it up at every opportunity. I get it ... he just wants what is best for them ... that's a good thing. And they will listen respectfully and then ... this is where the issues are ... then do whatever they want (Kinda just like we did when we were adult children.) Family is hard. This is like OMG so much work ... unrelenting. That's why the Calgon commercials ... take me away ... sell bubble bath salts. That's why he want's to share cocktail hour ... sometimes you just want a little softer focus on the issues.
I know these guys can swim. I am satisified with that ... I do not have a need to rowboat along side them, shout instructions and encouragement from a bull horn . I think they just need to pull their own heads up out of the water and figure out if the shore they're tracking towards is where they want to spend their time ... I think they need to own their own choices ... . I don't say that because we have already covered this topic ... he knows what I think and also that I agree with him in principle if not application. I half listen to his half rant. I don't have any comments other then uhhuh ... I know ... yes, I see your point ... . Hmmm, shuffle or straight Handel ... that's where I'm at, thinking of tuning in while I'm tuning out.
Love complicates relationships. Yeah, that's what I said. It's easy to see what should happen in relationships where love isn't involved. I'm not even going to stop here, but I do believe that it's good to pull love out of the equation, think about it in that light, and temper the conclusions by factoring love back in. I absolutely love my people ... but love doesn't always take you to the most loving outcomes.
So, as I am planning my escape, he says, "Aren't you going with me?" to drop Four off. I grimace as I mentally ease out of that nice long soak bath ... it sounded like a favorite record being scratched. It's wet and cold outside in the dark ... light snow is forecast. We drop our little fierce pointguard off and watch as she runs inside, then on to the local gas station. I sit in the car while he fills the tank. When he get's back in the car I thank him. Basketball practice is for an hour. "What now?" I ask (very sweetly ... fresh on the heels of a genuine thanks for filling up the car). I am going to the bookstore he says ... with leftover grumpy from the earlier grumpfest ... You can go with me or I will drop you off at home. I do not want to sit alone at the bookstore ... which is about half a mile away from the gas station. "Is that an invitation?" ... not a question really more of an exasperated prod ... it's so nice to be cherished.
I sit down with a couple of magazines ... in my usual spot. A college kid comes up and flops down next to me. How'sitgoing goodyou good ... done with that ... . I sneeze ... he says "God bless you." ... I look at him and say "Thank you."
1. Scribbled secret notebooks, and wild typewritten pages, for yr own joy
2. Submissive to everything, open, listening
3. Try never get drunk outside yr own house
4. Be in love with yr life
5. Something that you feel will find its own form
6. Be crazy dumbsaint of the mind
7. Blow as deep as you want to blow
8. Write what you want bottomless from bottom of the mind
9. The unspeakable visions of the individual
10. No time for poetry but exactly what is
11. Visionary tics shivering in the chest
12. In tranced fixation dreaming upon object before you
13. Remove literary, grammatical and syntactical inhibition
14. Like Proust be an old teahead of time
15. Telling the true story of the world in interior monolog
16. The jewel center of interest is the eye within the eye
17. Write in recollection and amazement for yourself
18. Work from pithy middle eye out, swimming in language sea
19. Accept loss forever
20. Believe in the holy contour of life
21. Struggle to sketch the flow that already exists intact in mind
22. Dont think of words when you stop but to see picture better
23. Keep track of every day the date emblazoned in yr morning
24. No fear or shame in the dignity of yr experience, language & knowledge
25. Write for the world to read and see yr exact pictures of it
26. Bookmovie is the movie in words, the visual American form
27. In praise of Character in the Bleak inhuman Loneliness
28. Composing wild, undisciplined, pure, coming in from under, crazier the better
29. You're a Genius all the time
30. Writer-Director of Earthly movies Sponsored & Angeled in Heaven
I am not yet clear on what is intended by each of these rules, but this is something I am thinking about.
So ... now another word to never say again because I try to limit myself to just one word that really need not be spoken ... and I already have a favorite.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
I am used to having more to do then I can get done. I am used to waking up at night to think about what I'm doing. I like it that much. I knew something was wrong with me when I first started dreaming about engines.
A few years ago someone who sorta knew me said he thought I was bored. It made me smile inside because I knew I wasn't bored and because this guy had a tendency to just say things like saying them made them true. I am bored now. Last week I visited with FI. Out of the blue he said, you can only do so much housework, it's time for you to get back to work. I wondered how he knew I'd been cleaning my house ... Did I smell like Windex and Comet? I have actually moved things all over the house in an effort to re-organize ... now I'm not sure where everything is. All the windows are washed, but no one has noticed. Today I wondered if I could name all the countries in Africa ... Then I thought ... Seriously? Has it come to that?
I'm doing my exercise plan ... Bought new colored pens for underlining the REGs ( b o r i n g ). I've done some activities with my kids at school, caught up with all my ladies who lunch buddies, read a book on Chakras, cooking three meals a day and handling every ones laundry ... Home improvements ... I have even changed my Facebook picture. Tomorrow I am going to let the dermatologist have his way with my skin ... He sees something I can not see either with or without my "readies" ... but, why not? I have time. I even have time to keep my nail polish very fresh. Uh huh.
I really need to find something worth while to do. Hmmm.
I am starting to see that bored is dangerous. I do better with something interesting going on. I like me better busy.
Normally, in daylight, our eyes are almost entirely closed, that is the pupil is a tiny dot. Obviously we are not made for that light, we are made for twilight. Now what that means is thatit is not until very low levels of light that our pupils dilate. When it does dilate we actually begin to feel light, almost like touch. ~ James Turrell
He asks the question: Where does the light in our dreams (lucid dreams) come from? Our eyes are shut. That light is somehow from within. He muses about the light that you seem to be able to touch and goes on to say his work hopes to take the "viewer" to the realization that the eyes touch, that the eyes feel ~JT
I am very happy to have these notes. It seems like something really special comes each day, like a gift, just like a hug ... yesterday someone sent a beautiful picture ... the day before a thank you note that was unexpected ... the day before that three hugely pregnant cardinals right outside the window ... very sweet ... I found my special bracelet accidentally overlooked while unpacking ... my goofball buds at the flight school seem to be sending little supportive tokens ... one sent his "emo" valentine music mix (With some fleetwood mac and al greene ... told him it couldn't be emo with those old dudes) ... . It's pretty easy to find some grateful. I like it.
It would look festive and be made from fabric. There would be 24 numbered pockets on it ... and when finished, each pocket would hold a small gift to be opened on that day ... leading up to the final pocket being opened on Christmas Eve.
Okay ... got it ... kinda.
I'm going to go see if I still have this creation so you can see what I'm talking about (D, remember all that super fine glitter?!) Yes! Easy to find ... here they both are. That was a very sweet and thoughtful idea, and my children loved opening the treasures as we counted down.
Traditional Nativity Calendar ...
What I thought she said ...
I sewed something together with pockets and basically painted a Christmas card on it ... and loaded it down with glitter ... and I do mean loaded, this thing is probably twenty years old and it's still sparkling!
I am thinking about all that this morning, because I am thinking about how differently people see things ... ideas ... and the way we express ourselves within an idea. Like "blogs". I follow four blogs routinely. They are pretty different from each other. Well, totally different from each other.
One day a very good friend suggested I would enjoy blogging ... and especially as a way of keeping current with each other. Great idea. It definitely serves that purpose. Two is sitting in the room with me talking about anthropology (just off and on as suits her...) while I am trying to note something here, so if this sounds disjointed, it is. I'm going to skip ahead to what made me think of the Nativity calendars this morning ... .
I saw this blog as a journal of a personal journey towards whatever comes next (by that I mean who I am becoming and the processes that help me become that ... how I deal with the circumstances that my choices present to me ... something like that ... sometimes about actual events, sometimes about stuff I'm just thinking about). I saw this as a place to express some of the things that are significant to me.
One thing I totally didn't anticipate was that I might be "read" by strangers ... some of whom have become "friends". As I wrote here it became apparent to me that I was expressing just a few pressing ideas ... maybe ironing out some issues. I was working specifically on "trust" ... seems like a lot of people have difficulties with trusting other people. I thought that was an important area for me to address in my own life, because I thought it was important for me to learn how to trust God ... more. Something prompted me to look back over my blog at some of the things I have written about ... (I re-visited some of the posts that I have moved to "storage".) ... and I guess I am still thinking about with this whole shelter idea. Shelter perceived as ... relationships with others and with God ... shelter like a garden with no thorns, like an Arc, like a dwelling or even a quilt ... like a band aid or a hug ... esoteric shelter like where we go to feel good or strong or where we spend our days/contribute ... embracing, comfortable shelter like a picture or a story that makes me smile and opens a window to see things through different eyes.
Because I write notes (here) about what seems important to me I get to see a common thread running through and I believe that is a thread in the tapestry of this (my) life. I probably would never notice that thread in the hectic pace that life is lived at. I can see the seconds captured here ... the larger chucks of time that memories hold wouldn't remember the details. For some reason it seems like we forget alot of important stuff before we "process it" ... and opportunities to grow or understand better, are lost. And we get to do been there done that over and over!
These last two weeks I have spent some time hanging out with architects ... established architects who have developed ideas about what shelter is and maybe should be ... some of them see shelter strictly as tangible while others are more interested in how shelters may lend ambiance ... I'm not expressing that idea well ... shelters may cocoon or even empower - or whatever is needed. I think it is cool that unexpectedly, time with architects just happened ... I am serious about this shelter idea and who better then a bunch of architects to hear various perspectives from? ... and I didn't even go looking for them, they just showed up at some things I attended in support of my husband's business ... architects are a lot more talkative then engineers btw. One of those guys told me about this guy in Arizona (Turrell) who is building a (shelter) structure with the specific intent to house light (with spiritual connotations, if you like) and express the notion of light and dark and our movement (or choices) within that space ... and how we design our own experience within that space ... and isn't that kinda what life is?(my interpretation of what the artists work expresses to me in italics)
Shelter. I am getting better at extending trust. I am getting better at not letting my inability to extend trust in some relationships erode or destroy those relationships. I mean, you can't expect a canvas tent to withstand the same circumstances that a fallout shelter would "weather" with ease. I'm getting better at discerning the differences ... and so accommodating my ability to benefit from various sheltering situations. (It makes sense to me) I'm getting a lot better at taking a chance on new relationships/experiences ... without the fears that lack of trust imposes. It's kinda fun ... I'm growing.
Now I am out of time for this today ... soooooo way out of time.
Someone suggested I blog. I didn't have a clue of what a blog should look like ... this is what the blog I made looks like. I wish it was more about sunshine and especially flying in beautiful smooth air ... . I feel extremely fortunate that I can hear many life lessons within the context of aviation.