The way to love someone
is to lightly run your finger over that person's soul
until you find a crack,
and then gently pour your love into that crack.
~Keith Miller

Thursday, December 31, 2009

Tuesday, December 29, 2009
I Must Go Down to the Sea

I must go down to the seas again, to the lonely sea and the sky,
And all I ask is a tall ship and a star to steer her by,
And the wheel's kick and the wind's song and the white sail's shaking,
And a grey mist on the sea's face and a grey dawn breaking.

I must go down to the seas again, for the call of the running tide
Is a wild call and a clear call that may not be denied;
And all I ask is a windy day with the white clouds flying,
And the flung spray and the blown spume, and the sea-gulls crying.

I must go down to the seas again, to the vagrant gypsy life,
To the gull's way and the whale's way where the wind's like a whetted knife;
And all I ask is a merry yarn from a laughing fellow-rover,
And quiet sleep and a sweet dream when the long trick's over.

~John Masefield

God, be near me – the ocean is so big and my boat is so small” --fisherman’s

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

I am pretty excited bc I have a new book - "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin I am starting it tonight. I am also excited about shopping for some new Vans. The two pair in my closet are really just shot...some body (who loves me) asked me to tell them the story of my shoes the other day. I said, "There's no story." I mean seriously, my shoes don't have stories...I wear them, take them off - wipe the dust/mud off as necessary - then back in the closet or their little shoe cubbie - lights story there. She said, "No, shoes like that have a story (like I'm holding back something)". "Nope, nada, nothing," I say dismissively flicking the fingers on both hands open. Then I look at her and I see she is serious ... and I can tell she thinks I maybe should be too. I smile and still myself to indicate that I am interested in the conversation - bc I can see that this is a real conversation. She says - "DeAnn, you need to quit wearing those shoes around if they don't have a story." And I think to myself ... I like them but I can tell she is a bit incredulous. "I like them", I say, "Is that enough of a story?" "No, those are yard shoes...or washing the dog shoes...but never never never getting in your car and leaving home in them shoes." She said this solemnly. I said, these are my good other Vans are my stay at home Vans." She could't believe that I owned a less reputable pair. So - All this to say, for my birthday I am going to buy a brand new pair of Vans. I am going to go on their site and design a pair of my own choosing - you used to be able to do that at no extra charge and IF you still can then I will - let me see about that now - brb - all that for $60.00 +Shipping

Photos of my old vans, my oldold vans (really are DC label and I wishwishwish for another pair exactly like them except new),and my oldest neverwornkeepforsentimentalreasons red tennies just peeking in. The photos of the new vans are possibilities from their custom design page.

Monday, December 28, 2009

choice - notes on choice - quotes

George Eliot:
The strongest principle of growth lies in human choice

John Wayne:
Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and puts itself in our hands. It hopes we've learned something from yesterday.

Kahlil Gibran:
We choose our joys and sorrows long before we experience them.

Zig Ziglar:
Every choice you make has an end result.

For what is the best choice, for each individual is the highest it is possible for him to achieve

We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then is not an act but a habit.

What we have to learn to do, we learn by doing.

Neil Peart:
If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.

Liz Carpenter: Instead of looking at life as a narrowing funnel, we can see it ever widening to choose the things we want to do, to take the wisdom we've learned and create something

Victor E. Frankl:
The last of the human freedoms is to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances

One's philosophy is not best expressed in words; it is expressed in the choices one makes ... and the choices we make are ultimately our responsibility.

In the long run, we shape our lives, and we shape ourselves. The process never ends until we die. And the choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility

Eleanor Roosevelt

Some choices we live not only once but a thousand times over, remembering them for the rest of our lives.

Richard Bach quotes

Honor isn't about making the right choices. It's about dealing with the consequences.

The future is not a result of choices among alternative paths offered by the present, but a place that is created--created first in the mind and will, created next in activity. The future is not some place we are going to, but one we are creating. The paths are not to be found, but made, and the activity of making them, changes both the maker and the destination.

There are always two choices. Two paths to take. One is easy. And its only reward is that it's easy.

"Choose the life that is most useful, and habit will make it the most agreeable." - -- Sir Francis Bacon

You don't get to choose how you're going to die, or when. You can decide how you're going to live now." -- Joan Baez

“If you limit your choices only to what seems possible or reasonable, you disconnect yourself from what you truly want, and all that is left is compromise.”~Robert Fritz

Until a person can say deeply and honestly, "I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday," that person cannot say, "I choose otherwise”
Stephen R. Covey quotes
Who would not, finding way, break loose from hell, . . . . And boldly venture to whatever place Farthest from pain?
Author: John Milton
Source: Paradise Lost

The difficulty in life is the choice.
Author: George A. Moore
Source: The Bending of the Bough (act IV

Between two evils, choose neither; between two goods, choose both.
Author: Tryon Edwards

(easy to choose between good and bad - harder to choose between good and better)

He who chooses the beginning of a road chooses the place it leads to. It is the means that determine the end.
Author: Harry Emerson Fosdick

Friday, December 18, 2009

Walking around - my girls say no more black shoes - they say purple is the color now or possibly gray if I can't get there with the purple. Almost all my shoes are black. I like black shoes.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Today is almost gone. I woke up happy like I usually do. Unfortunately, I am back to waking up at 2 and 3 during the night. I seem to sleep til about 2 then just sora doze till around 4:30. Then I'm really ready to sleep. Sometimes I get up and do some housework or study. Sometimes I just try to lay very still and rest. I don't feel the way I lke to feel. The way I want to feel. And I don't know what can possibly be done about it. So
today good flight. My flare was a little nose high. I like the Navajo. I'm trying to get my billing and paperwork straight for my commercial certif - what a mess. Aggravating. Won't matter a month from now though. That's it. School with my youngest tomorrow. Jinglebell stuff then they are out till Jan. I have almost finished my shopping for Christmas. I'm wishing for a specific bottle of fragrance.

Sunday, December 13, 2009


Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

William Ernest Henley

Friday, December 11, 2009


this is not a good landing

this is a good landing

There are a lot of jokes about landings in the aviation community.

I have flown with a man who told me about an impressive landing that he had the pleasure of accomplishing (and remembering). It was a carrier landing in a helicopter that even I could tell from his description would be thrilling to see much less fly. I asked him - how old were you when you did that? I was curious about what I was doing with in my life when he was doing that. Quick math told me I was just getting started raising my third child. I thought about who I was then and how far from there I had come. I thought about no matter how hard I worked at flying that I would never have a landing like that to share. I though about the trade offs we all make as we make our choices. I thought I should work at getting as good as I can at landing the equipment that I do get to fly. I thought about how fortunate I was to have him - with his wide range of flying experiences - teaching me what ever I was up to learning.

I noticed in my critique of yesterday's training flight that I had done a lot of the prep work for take offs and not so much for landing. I have recently (this year kinda recent) flown with some one who was pretty conscientious about good strong intentional landings. One of the nicest things he ever said to me was, "I like your landings because you fly the airplane all the way down to the ground." After a good nights sleep and some thinking about what I would especially like to do better in the airplane today I think I have noticed something that may be important to me. This: THe main stuff that I am not executing as well as I expect to is the exact same stuff that I didn't learn to do well those first few hours at the beginning of the Pvt. training. I didn't trim for - nothing - and you know that made everything harder and crappier at the same time - working harder for suckier results - hmmm. And just trying to fly by the airspeed indicator on the approach w/o really thinking about the wind much - not thinking about the wind much is always a potentially - well let's just call it flirting with the devil. Yeah - winds something like 350v020@12 kts (near the surface - slightly more at TPA). I wasn't flying the final leg as I would have had I been flying not learning. The 65kt approach would have been - not. Full flaps - not. I think I was concentrating on touching and holding the peremeters that the training flight required and struggling against my inclination to greese the landings. The Instructor said your student will need to see pretty much the same picture each time you land so that they can build a foundation from what is a normal landing. After thinking about this I can see what he was trying to get me to hear. Okay - that's why we don't send private flights up when the winds are kinda wicked ... yeah - I can land the plane but that may actually interupt their smooth aquisition of landing skills. I definitely don't want a new student out there making stuff up while they land. I am going to approach this from a new perspective today.

Thursday, December 10, 2009


I made this last year with a scrap of plywood, some gold spray paint, mail tags w/rub on numbers and some tiny brass nails. I like it a lot. I am thinking about building one that will accommodate 30 days(and just double dip on the months w 31) because I can imagine this as having post it notes on some days and little interesting found things hanging occasionally rather than the tree ornaments. I didn't want to put it away last year and it was the first Christmas decoration I got out this year.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

nascent-adjective. coming into being; being born; beginning to form, start, grow, or develop: said of ideas, cultures, etc.

I have recently read about a Hindu temple built in the 16th century. It has a hall of fifty-six pillars which are carved from a single block of granite and most of them are designed to sound a specific note when tapped. How cool to have an instrument of that scale. How really cool to build that. I love the idea of a temple where men may strum/thump the actual structure in effort to call out to God. Yeah - I'm not Hindu and know almost nothing about Hinduism, but I do understand calling out to who I think God is. From the Vittala temple complex my mind ranges to the design instructions given to the builders of the temple for the God of Moses. I remember a few years ago I decided to start on page one of the NIV Bible and just read a few chapters a night. It was good. See, I had heard or read the "stories" but what I didn't have a chance to put together for myself was how they relate to each other...and if/how they relate to me or I relate to them... . It's like understanding the four stroke cycle without being able to see the crank shaft turn the prop - the prop then doing what it does and what's behind the prop... . Well it's just a lot more interesting to see the words which are conveying a small idea then a bigger idea then next thing you know there is a story there that begins to seem like it might even have something to do with you (or me). The book of Exodus describes how the temple or tabernacle should be be built ... it's interesting and minutely detailed (tediously so). Some scholars say it is a recreation or model of God's residential accommodations in heaven. I don't know - I haven't studied that or thought about it enough to have developed an opinion... . I do know that sacrifices were brought to the temple - and they were prescribed and specific - as an atonement for "sin". I'm not writing about atonement today - today I am thinking about temples. There is a lot of information on the temple - the current events around the temple mount and the "re-building" of the temple and the temple's role in Bible prophecy would all have to be part of an in depth study on the Judeo-Christian view(s) for the relevance of the "Temple of God". But - again that is all well beyond my little musings this morning. I am thinking about the temple described in the new testament - this temple: 1 Corinthians 3:16 "Don't you know that you yourselves are God's temple and that God's spirit lives in you?", 1 Corinthians 6:19 "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God. ..." The idea of the in-dwelling Spirit is expressed in many other places.
Acts 17:24" The God who made the world and everything in it is the Lord of heaven and earth and does not live in temples built by hands. (...from one man He made all nations and set stuff up...) 17:27 and 28 "He did this so that men would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from each one of us. For in him we live and move and have our being." We in him - He within us. Individually, personally - not corporate
Jesus was asked for a sign to prove his authenticity - he answered, John 2:19, "Destroy this temple and I will raise it again in three days." The religious leaders scoffed at that idea saying it took 46 years to build the temple - but the temple he spoke of was his body. He was raised from the dead three days after he offered his life as a final atonement for the estranging sin of mankind. The gospel of Mark (my favorite gospel account) chapter 16 talks about the resurrection of Christ. He said three times that he would raise/rise on the third day. I used to think this was an interesting story - maybe not quite accurate - maybe just all made up...I mean people have all sorts of ideas about how we "fit" with who ever god might be. My experience with myself as a "Christian" has been pretty disappointing...I want to do right but doing wrong is pretty interesting too. I listen to people all the time who are messed up because of the lies/half truths about God that have scarred their souls.
So back to the idea of temple... How cool is it that God decided to build us as a temple which might choose to be indwelt by the Holy Spirit. It's pretty cool that the created gets to chose. How cool that a temple was created for a purpose - and I think we all sense and reach towards the idea that there is some purpose for our being.... Built as a temple to be indwelt for what purpose? I'm thinking about that. In the mean time I do like that we are all so versatile a structure - when I see what some of the accomplishments of mankind are I am happy - impressed - we rock.
The Bible describes us - our "temple-ness" as tent-like. If this earthsuit is a tent I am really looking forward to seeing the next thing - container. Jesus said he was going to prepare a place for us. I like the work that He is credited with. (John 1:1)
That's it. I gotta get busy on a little housework ... saving the ironing for Top Chef finale tonight (My favorite weekly show - well it's the only thing I watch routinely.) I am mostly excited about my new CFI books and about getting stuff organized for that. I am excited about a day that I can plant the flat of pansies that are out there waiting.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

I am starting to realize that although many of my "trust" issues were seeded during my early childhood the devastation of the innocence that trust calls for (childlike trust) didn't truly begin to take place until right after I turned 16. I don't want to recount the details but one night we found out that my brother was killed in a car wreck. I saw my uncle tell my parents. I saw my Dad's heart break in that instance. I went back to my bedroom before they saw me. I shut my door and I wrapped my blankets around me tight like a cocoon and I asked God why. And silently in my heart I heard my brother say they took my money out of my wallet and my necklace and my buck knife - he really liked his new buck knife and was never w/o the necklace... a long silver chain with a small pendant... . I heard him say he was happy and this was good and then I felt him leave. I felt nothing. I may have been in shock. Again I asked God why. He said nothing. I never stopped believing that God was there - where ever there is. But "there" seemed to be a long way away - too far away for God to care. It was pretty easy to go from believing that God didn't care to rolling up into a person that didn't wouldn't eventually couldn't care. I became cynical and sarcastic. I became brittle and detached. I made a conscious decision to just stop listening for a God who chose to be invisible and silent. I mean really. Even sitting here so many years later I can feel the shards of pain that that idea - lie - lacerated into me.

As I may have said in earlier posts - my childhood was chaotic. My brother - this brother - represented all that was safe and consistent to me. He was my best friend. Something dysfunctional about how we were raised made him very protective and responsible for me. He definitely had an eye on me and set most of the standards that have guided my choices. I felt a lot that same way towards my younger brother.

My mom went totally around the bend that day. A few months later I asked my Dad, who had physically shrunk and was showing every indication of a man who will drink til numb on a routine basis....I asked Daddy if Momma was crazy and he said don't talk about your mother like that - she just can't cope with this. I noticed that he couldn't either. So the way it worked out was they both became even more absent then they had been before my brother's - their son's - death. I wasn't angry with them - I was angry with God.... My capacity to trust God was ... how do I express it... it was brutal...shocking...sudden annihilation that leaves you looking around in utter confusion...every piece of comfort that is offered feels like a mockery...people say God knows'll understand it by and by (People actually say stuff like that and it makes things worst if possible)...Looking back from the perspective that time and maturity offer I can see that God was in fact very present. I can see His consistent steady hand. It's taken years to come to this place but I think I trust Him ... and I think I am afraid to put that trust to a test. I believe, help my unbelief. I get it.

A few days after the funeral a stranger knocked on our door. I was home alone or maybe Tommy was about too. I answered the door. A man asked for my parents and when I said they weren't here he gave me a big white envelope. He said I must not open it, just give it to my Dad. He said he was sorry about my brother and that these were his things in the envelope. I don't have any idea who he was...just a guy. I took the envelope to my room and openned it immediately (come on - of course I did). It's contents were a wallet - with some stuff, but no money - a High School graduation ring and a wristwatch - both encrusted in dry blood. I took them to my bathroom and held them under some hot running water and washed the blood off of his things...I thought about the fact that I was probably ruining the watch and then I thought so what - it's not like anyone will ever use it again. I pulled the band away because I coudn't get the blood out from between the links and I put it on the floor under my heel and ground the finish off my floor with it... I didn't put it back with the other stuff. I thought how could they bring this stuff to my Daddy with his boy's blood all over it. I dried the ring and watch with Q-tips set the hands to 12 and put everything back in the envelope...the envelope with no buck knife and no necklace.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Today, at work, one of my favorite people said he was exhausted because he was up late talking with a friend about marital issues. He asked me why people who have been married for 18 years will divorce ... people who are not experiencing infidelity or physical abuse. I said I don't know ... but I do have a few ideas about that. He and I have talked about this sort of thing before. He can see (for other people - not him) the possibility of leaving a marriage for "someone" better. Last time we talked about this I told him I personally do not believe there is some one better...only someone different. I firmly believe the notion of "the grass is greener over there" is nonsense. I believe the grass is different sorta...the same kinda...the weeds are different...the sticker patches are undiscovered but they're there. I think even if there was a possibility of some perfect person to do life with there'd still be the problem of me and all my baggage. All by myself, I am messed up enough to mess up the relationship. It seems ludicrous to me that a person would think to leave a relationship because they think they could/would be happier with someone different. I have, over the past 30 years, spent some time thinking about this - and I am willing to bet that my husband has too! I think of marriage - really of all important relationships - a little differently then I've heard other people express. My husband says he thinks your life partner completes you. I think that is ridiculous and probably manipulative. I think of it almost totally differently (that doesn't make me right - I know). I think you make a commitment to a person - like a husband or a child, maybe a friend. I think you make promises...uneducated promises, but promises all the same. I think you figure out stuff that you didn't notice before you made the promises as you go along. Some of the surprises are nice and some of them are pretty awful - the awful ones are the ones you are tempted to focus on...which is pretty self defeating.
When I was very little my older brother used to "boost" me up to the water fountain so I could get a drink. I wouldn't have wanted to walk around thirsty, but no matter how tippy toed I could get I wouldn't have been able to reach. I think I was very lucky to have a brother like him. He kept a eye out on me ... I think that is what we do for each other in relationships. There are days when we get on each others last nerve. There are days when we disappoint each other. We all have stupid days full of stupid thinking and stupid talking and doing. I think, ideally, we let each other see where the "stuff" is in our lives and we just do our best to boost each other up for a drink. No hosing each other with ice to make it nothing no matter how well intentioned...just a little boost at the fountain when we can't quite reach it.

Define respect (notes)
..."And it can be described in many different ways.

Respect is never deserved, but rather can only be earned. Respect can only be given, but never taken. Respect can never be demanded, lest it will never be given. Respect is hard to gain, but easy to lose.

Respect is not judging people who believe differently than you, nor is it forcing them to succumb to your will. Respect is to live and let live. Respect is taking responsibility, not laying blame. Respect is understanding principle, even though it differs from yours.

Respect is seeing people, not only for what they are, but also for what they could be. Respect is giving credit, not taking it for yourself. Respect is doing unto others as you would have others do unto you. Respect is seeing the best in people, not the worst.

Respecting others and respecting one's self always go hand in hand.
Posted: 04/03/2006 @ 05:12 AM (PDT)
maxwell edison 1133"
I think that is a pretty good definition of respect - I'm not totally satisfied bthis definition bu I'mthinkin about it and I hope to come up with a better definitionthen i've been able to find - I'm interesdin comments on this from y'all.

GOOGLE - Definition of respect (noun)
form: no plural
honor; esteem; high regard; consideration; attention

Notes on Cherish:
"Friends... they cherish one another's hopes. They are kind to one another's dreams."
~Henry David Thoreau
"Cherish your visions and your dreams as they are the children of your soul, the blueprints of your ultimate achievements."
~Napoleon Hill
define cherish
1) verb, to show great tenderness for; treasure (

I think working relationships have to be built on mutual respect. It's pretty tough to maintain respect for another person if you don't respect yourself. It seems impossible to maintain respect for another person when you are watching for their faults or short comings.
I think people sever their ties with others who they have made promises to because they can't figure out how to make the respect component work.

"Friends... they cherish one another's hopes. They are kind to one another's dreams."
~Henry David Thoreau I know - I put it here (again) because I think it is so perfectly true of all important relationships. This aspect - the cherishing - is the lovely part of respect.