The way to love someone
is to lightly run your finger over that person's soul
until you find a crack,
and then gently pour your love into that crack.
~Keith Miller

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Airshow from March 2010

It turns out that I really like airshows. It was a good day.

Small things - again. From Feb 2010

morning joe
1355Z 34009 +10 Cig21OVC -1/-7 3003

I captured a couple of really cool images on our hike this past week end. Yesterday I printed a few copies off on watercolor paper and I got my jinormous box of prismacolors out. My flight instructor was out - under the weather - I especially don't like him to feel sick. I am so happy to see a person like him diving back in to the little pond. Anyway - I caught up on some house work and played just a little bit with my pencils. My husband gave me a tri-level wooden box full of every color Prisma makes...they each have their own cradle...ahh, the luxury! I love to choose a color and lift it out from under the overhanging tray wondering if it's been sharpened...or not yet used. It really is the small things! I'll enhance some of the details on the photo and play with overlaying a wash of watercolor - we'll see. Fun.

I've got some PTA stuff to wrap up today. One of my kids is the State diving champ...every year since she was 8 I think. She's bored with diving. Last year she went out for track - she has three older siblings - we all knew she could run! Just playing around she threw the disc or shot put, I can't remember which. She caught the coaches attention and he said we need you throwing. We've got runners. She did stunningly well competing last year. This year she old enough to throw the javelin. She's thrilled. Now they've discovered that she doesn't have a lick of sense and they've got her pole vaulting. Her dive coach was the Olympic dive coach in the recent summer games - her vaulting coach was an Olympian. We are very fortunate here to have so many awesome opportunities for our children to train with world class athletes. Other than the obvious benefits of working with super coaches is the peek at what the everyday life - after - looks like. We have a son who is at the point of deciding whether or not he has the passion to continue on the baseball throwing trajectory that he's been on. His first word was ball. I will do whatever it calls for to support the dreams of my children as long as they as know what they are their dreams/goals. It is the hardest part of parenting to be as supportative as possible without stepping over the line of driving your children towards a destination that they don't want to live at. I think my son is an engineer (like his dad). I think his quality of life will be better, richer, more...if he looks towards that rather than baseball...he is making that choice now. It is so hard to trust a 17 yearold with steering his own course. It's hard to remember that I was pretty competent when I was 17. I do remember that, but my husband doesn't remember that about himself, though I'm sure it was true of him as well. With our older children we see them finding their way. Sometimes my husband really wants it to be his way. He's a smart guy, the wants all good for his family. I keep on trying to remind him that our part of this is timing out. We raise confident, competent people and we need to bite our lips and smile as they stretch their wings.

Today I am not thinking about that really - I know what I think about that. I know how I feel about that too.

Today I am thinking about Oswald Chambers' little talk on The Inspiration of Spiritual Initiative - yesterday's dealio. ...get up and get going...God does not give us overcoming life...He gives us life as we overcome. Today OC writes (ok he's not writing it today, but I am reading it today) God steps in and inspires us to do the most simple ordinary things, small things that we would never have imagined God was in, but as we do them we find him there.

I gotta run - I've got a bunch of small things to do today.

Red dawn from Feb 2010

“Like a red morn that ever yet betokened, Wreck to the seaman, tempest to the field, Sorrow to the shepherds, woe unto the birds, Gusts and foul flaws to herdmen and to herds.” ~Shakespeare in his play Venus and Adonis (again via Ms. Harwell)
Weather systems typically move from west to east, and red clouds result when the sun shines on their undersides at either sunrise or sunset.[6][7] At these two times of day, the sun's light is passing at a very low angle through a great thickness of atmosphere, the result of which is the scattering out of most of the shorter wavelengths — the greens, blues, and violets — of the visible spectrum, and so sunlight is heavy at the red end of the spectrum. If the morning skies are red, it is because clear skies to the east permit the sun to light the undersides of moisture-bearing clouds coming in from the west. Conversely, in order to see red clouds in the evening, sunlight must have a clear path from the west in order to illuminate moisture-bearing clouds moving off to the east. There are many variations on this piece of lore, but they all carry the same message.

Matthew 16:2-3 -- [Jesus] replied,
"When evening comes, you say,
'It will be fair weather: for the sky is red.'
And in the morning,
'Today it will be stormy, for the sky is red and overcast.

As I woke up today I saw the most amazing morning sky. The dark fully saturated blue was striped with siren red and thin slices of white. It reminded me of the flag of Britian.
I thought to get my camera and go to the front porch - what a wonderful picture, I thought.
I hurried...but in a half a minute that sky was gone...blanketed by a lower level blowing in from the West
1325Z 34006 +6 clrblw120 -2/-7 3008
hmmm I'll need to go look because the ATIS is indicating yet another change...Winds from the NNW would be right for the high pressure, but earlier reading indicated that the high red clouds indicated falling pressure which will always lead to worsening weather - from my prospective worsening. We expect rain today and possible snow. We are almost coastal here where I live. Snow is a rare treat. Well - today I have a sweet errand to run - we have a new 15 year old in the house - asking ready Mom?!?! - I am morning blogging in my pjs with a cup of coffee - or I was. LOL sweetness calls.

From January 2010 sweet dreams

Last night I woke up with unshed tears in my eyes. My ankle and I think the muscle around it was hurting - aching - so bad, and my shoulder was burning. I don't have a lot of words for pain. It's hard to describe feelings - sensations. Again, I wish I were fluent in a language with nuances. I sat up in bed last night and swung my legs over feet dangling towards the floor. I was still asleep - kinda. I started rolling my shoulder and ankle - they both hurt. Stretching made the ankle cramp up which really hurt. I realized I had to get out of bed and put some weight on it - which I dreaded because the floor was surely cold - that's one of the things I like about wood floors - less appreciative in the middle of a cold dark night. I carefully stepped out of bed and stood there. The house was dark and I could hear my husbands rhythmic breathing. I didn't want to wake him up stumbling around. I reached for my phone/flashlight and slowly carefully stepped out of the room. I wandered around my house easing the stiffness out and then I went back to bed wrapped in a "throw" from the den. I woke up with a headache - kinda - and I can tell I was gritting my teeth during my sleep. I am such a baby! This morning everything still hurts - not bad though. My husband said I probably got too cold last night while I was sleeping ... or maybe my "Indian blood" was registering a pressure change. I think maybe I am just getting old. I know I should get back on a consistent yoga program - or at least walking with Sammy. I just seem to be too busy. Today, I have no teaching or learning commitments. I thought to leisurely review Nav-aids ... make some notes maybe. My phone is reminding me that I made a lunch date. I don't really want to do anything that requires anything other than flannel pjs.

So - enough whining - before I got up this morning I was thinking about that pain that gets in our body. I remember exactly when I hurt my ankle - guess the other one hurts a little just from the normal wear and tear on a 51 year old body that used to run and jump and hurl itself over and off of things. I remember when my shoulder was hurt too. I was thinking that I could do a lot of things about that if I wanted to. I'm thinking about making myself take better care of myself. I expect to live for a long time. I need to make some deposits into that health bank now while it is possible.++++note made the next day++++ had foot and leg cramps pretty much all day - web research indicated that I was dehydrated - concentrating on drinking a lot of water today. I usually drink 8+ glasses a day - but not lately - need to see if that's it. I have noticed that I'm very thirsty of late.

I was also thinking about that pain that we all acquire in our spirit ... and/or soul. I was thinking that I remember when and where some of those "pains" came from. I was thinking about how God makes a way for us to "stretch or exercise or strengthen" those pains out - where they don't hurt and possibly disable us. How do I do that, I wondered. A few ways came to mind - I forgive - that's a big one. I believe that God makes wrongs right - not in a payback way - in a personal way...I think He knows how to make things right in our spirit... and/or soul. I think He heals and restores. I think He calls me to choose to discipline myself towards the things He has for me to do. Okay - enough of that to be able to remember what I was thinking.

Next, I had a very sweet dream a few nights ago that I want to note here so I can remember it:
I was old - like really old - like what I think 95 would be like. I was in a room that seemed to be my bedroom and I was in bed lying on my side under the covers. The sheets felt so good (that feeling probably wasn't a dream bc I do love my sheets now!). I could see around the room - it was exactly the kind of place I like to be in. The room was quiet - I felt totally chilled out - serene. A young woman came in with a bunch of yellowcoral roses. The roses smelled great. She - I think she was my granddaughter - said these came for you - do you want me to put them in water "tall" or shall I clip the stems so you can see them better. In the dream I thought I wish you'd just lay them here on my bed with me... but I didn't say that...I thought it might be easier for her to pretend it might matter...that I might be there to watch them open. In the dream, I knew I was at the end of my life...I knew that I was very close to closing my eyes for the last time...I knew that my family was just outside the door of my room - in and out - visiting. "...pretty ... who are they from," I asked her and she handed me the florist card.

The afternoon after I had that dream I told my husband about that it. He asked me who the flowers were from. Someone who wished to be there but wasn't - couldn't be I said. Oh, probably one of the boys couldn't get away from work he said...I looked out the window and nodded as he went on...what a sweet dream he said and I agreed that it was a very sweet dream...and our conversation moved along to other things.

In the dream the card said "I love you always... " In the dream I smiled and asked the young woman to just please leave the flowers just like that - peeking out of the paper - and put them on my bed where I could see them, smell them - touch them.

From January 2010

Hold on to what is good even if it is
a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is
a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is
a long way from here.
Hold on to my hand even when
I have gone away from you.

~Nancy Wood, from Many Winters

I like to keep a little hands on project going. I am thinking about using this text in a shadow box that I am starting to work on now. The box itself is large - 24"square and 3" deep. The frame is pretty - decorative but not fussy. I have the first pair of shoes for each of my 5 children - those go in. And what else? I'm thinking about it.

I like Nancy Woods words...but that last line is a little bluesy. I wish it said hold on to my hand..hold on to my heart even as you journey on away from me.

I like my kids. I liked who they were. I like who they are. I like who they are becoming.

thinking about that green arc stuff from Nov 2009

It is important to conduct my routine activities with in that "green arc". That sets up some consistency or steadiness within normal operations.
image borrowed from photo bucket ... Iow, not my faux flight. I'm a bit surprised to read 145kts, there about on a high final ... Just glad to find a photo of some green arcs. Is this that Microsoft flightsim stuff?

That day, several months ago, when the doors of my life popped open unexpectedly wasn't because of something I was doing or had any say in. It was me trusting someone who'd let me down before, with a forgiven - moving past this - state of the relationship. I was doing what I believed was my best. (It has been such a relief to me that if I am in fact doing my best then that's it - can't do any better than that.) Then I asked that question - are you still doing or not doing what we agreed to? And the answer was - Sorry, really sorry, but I am back to doing what I was doing when I promised I wouldn't do it. So - Sometimes, I guess a lot of the time is really more accurate, unanticipated stuff happens. They call it life. It's all interwoven and maybe even mostly beautiful. When that sad day came I just wanted to close my eyes and open them only when I was flying or could hear one of my family calling to me. Some days aren't normal operations days. Some days unexpected crap comes flying at you out of no where. Some times maybe you're distracted by stuff that has to matter less...or your people who matter are dodging their own private crap. Life is messy - you gotta dress for it. I am trying to reconcile this stuff. I am trying to answer to God for my own stuff and let everyone else exercise their prerogative to do the same thing. It seems like this is a major "piece" of the "trusting God" puzzle.

It sure would be nice if we could "time" the crap in life to fly at us more like a baseball - something we could have a shot at hitting out of the playing area.... I think I can sense that stuff happening now - is it happening or is it a shadow? That's the sucky thing about not trusting people you need to be able to trust ... it undermines the foundations that relationships are built on. It makes me vigilant...unsure...insecure...not cherished. Can I wait for the mud to settle and the water to clear - I think I must. I think I just gotta keep on asking God to think about this for me and ... restore to me a clean heart and renew a right spirit with in me... . I gotta do my part.

What I am thinking is that the green arc is an analogy for normal operations - trusting God - I'm thinking about the ASI - You can make adjustment with in the range and there is room for that, but there are dangers on either side of outside the arc. I'm thinking about how central "trusting God" is - how good it is. Not good behavior, good comfort - stabilizing - steadying. Unfortunately people let each other down...people can't always be trusted. But maybe trust in God can supersede that. Maybe it is unrealistic to expect people to be rock solid like God is...on the trust thing. I don't want to monitor people - people I need to trust or anyone else. I want to trust God and let him work out the details. I want to rest and that is what I'm talking about. Me trusting or not doesn't shape the outcome, but God can.

These past several days I have been streaming a NOVA special about monarch butterflies while I do other things ... like housework and playing card games with V. I like butterflies ... like everyone does probably, what's not to like. I really like to visit the butterfly house at Callaway Gardens, but it's the people looking at butterflies that I really like to see when I'm there. Butterflies seem like flying flowers to me. I have paid attention to the word for butterfly in different languages ... it always sounds like a pretty word. That's pretty much my whole file on butterflies ... Oh! Except this part, which is why I chose to view the NOVA program in the first place. I know they migrate right through Texas on their way to the same place in Mexico every year. That place in Mexico was on my to see list before traveling in Mexico became unappealing to me ... I wondered where ... if ... there was some reliable place to see them in mass in Texas. The answer to that is probably, maybe yes, maybe no. They are definitely on their way to a specific place to hibernate ... they do stop for weather and food enroute though. Weather pretty much determines where their food is too I bet.

The NOVA special isn't available on Netflix at present. I hadn't realized that they rotate their documentaries ... I had not been taking notes like I like to do. So this morning I was surprised when I sat down with a fresh bouquet of gardenias, hot coffee, favorite pen and moleskin notebook, the delightful iPad2 ...all set to focus on the program ... and ... nope! It is not available! Rats!

Here are my notes culled from various sites These guys specifically asked for a citation if their info was used.

Four stages:
Larvae (caterpillar)
Pupa (chrysalis)
Adult butterfly

Four generations (per year)
The Nova program had the cycle beginning in Canada with a southwesterly migration to Mexico. I'll keep an eye out for that documentary, because it was pretty succinct. Hopefully, I'll be able to get back to this post with notes from them, but for today, I'll go with this:

Four generations:
G1 out of hibernation ... find a mate ... begin migration to the NE to lay eggs. In March and April the eggs are laid on milkweed and four days later they hatch. Caterpillars live to eat for two weeks. Nova had something about the caterpillar out growing it's skin several times during this stage ... I'm looking for some specifics on that. The chrysalis stage is a time of metamorphosis which lasts ten days. As I see it, the whole life cycle of the butterfly is pretty metamorphoriffic.
G1 lives 2-6 weeks and lays eggs
G2 hatches in May and June
G3 hatches July and August
Generations 1,2 and 3 are all meandering SWerly from Canada
G4 hatches September and October and migrates to Mexico if they begin E of the Rockies or to the Pacific Grove area of California if they bin W of the Rockies. In California they winter over in the eucalyptus trees ... Oyamel fir trees are their home in Mexico.
So three generations of southern fliers and one generation of northern fliers per year.

Two reason are given for their migration ... Which I see as really only one reason. The two cited are; can't withstand cold, and larval food plants. It seems obvious to me that both are "weather" related. Every thing I've seen or read on this migration makes a big deal out of the mystery of how these guys get from point a to point b. I must be missing the magic somewhere ... I'm certain that I must be. To me it just seems obvious they are seeking the right kind of weather. Nova talked about them landing and sitting during cold snaps. These guys are not IMC fliers either. A ton of people spend the winter in South Texas ... Fleeing the cold, then they return home when the weather is to their liking. Sure looks like the butterflies were ahead of the trend. Maybe they find their way back to their spot in Canada by chasing their food source ... The tropical heat gets pretty inhospitable ... I personally am not buying the magnetic nav system idea ... I think they are looking for their next meal ... There must be a reason when generation four has a longevity advantage. I think it's weather and weathers impact on the groceries and other life support.
There are people who are dedicated to butterfly research ... I'll be looking at this topic more. There was a group who moved a batch of butterflies from Kansas to Washington DC for a launch ... Initially, the butterflies started heading South, but after a couple of days they corrected their course for Mexico. Ummm ... I personally like Lindor Truffles ... guess what ... I know who does and who does not stock them ... I know where they are sold by the 8.5oz package and where they are sold individually wrapped. It doesn't seem miraculous to me that the DC butterflies didn't track over open water. Just saying.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

. Not every moment is a good moment ... Hopefully it's the hours that really count tho ...

I'm doing something that is okay for today, but it sure has the red flag danger flapping where I can hear the surf easing in and out in the best little place in my psyche.
3 shots of margarita mix
2 shots of JC ... Yeah that's Jose Cuervo ... Gold
1 shot of Cointreau

... It's four o'clock local ... I may be feeling a bit sorry for myself, because I am having trouble keeping an old song from running through my mind ... Let me go looking for the lyrics. It's just amazing how easy it is for me to remember songs ... They filter up unbidden. I don't even think I liked this one. Brb.

(Jerry Gillespie / Ed Penney)
Terri Gibbs - 1980

Somebody's knockin', should I let him in
Lord, it's the Devil, would you look at him
I've heard about him, but I never dreamed
He'd have blue eyes and blue jeans

Well, somebody's talkin', he's whisperin' to me
Your place or my place, well, which will it be
I'm gettin' weaker and he's comin' on strong
But I don't wanna go wrong

He must have tapped my telephone line
He must have known I was spendin' my time alone
He says we'll have one heavenly night
My fever's burnin', so he oughta be right at home

I'll tell you what ... I really don't know how full-time house-wife's do it. Yeah. The house is pretty clean. Right this minute I am bleaching the slip covers from one of the sofas. It didn't really need to be done ... I just thought the smell of bleach in the house might be a good ... thing. Couldn't hurt.

The only thing left to do is the garage. I don't think the garage is my area, but it is getting ready to be. It's been on my mind for a couple of weeks now as the next obvious thing to do. I'm thinking about how it will look when I am done with it. This was the flash point ... Yesterday, husband came home and asked me where a pair of red handled pliers would be. Seriously?! I'm supposed to keep up with the freaking tools? Okay ... I can definitely go maniacal on this. I'm primed for, for some crazy ... organization ... as in OCD baby, I like shit in it's proper place! And since every freaking thing seems to be my shit, I will assign a place .. the place. Yeah ... I'm gonna put a fan out there for sure.

You see why I really need a job once school starts.


What's cool about this to me ... These guys took a site, on top of a warehouse in Seattle and created a home with soul nurturing views ... the house is cool, probably exactly what they wanted, it's the notion that I love. Someone saw an industrial area ... Someone saw beyond that ... Fifteen +/- feet up and out ... And they built their shelter there.

It seems to me that too much living is done in the Bravo Sierras level when just a tiny adjustment might yield ... Majesty.

here's the link:

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

When and definitely how I least "expected it"!

I didn't know what else would be really right to do ... So I just started falling backwards ... And I am absolutely certain that God will catch me ... It's the sensation of falling that is so terrifyingly unfamiliar. 

I said that. Guess what ... I am afraid of heights. I have heard that fear of heights is common among pilots. Seems weird. I never experience any sensation of fear about agl in an airplane ... I never really think about altitude on the front burner except as in a specific number that I seek on take off ... "feet above" that will give me options should I suddenly need them. I mentioned my "when you least expect it" a few posts back ... training to react properly to the unexpected may be the best way to think about it. Around here there are lots and lots of trees. ... For some reason the notion of when you least expect it is stuck in the grey matter ... I hadn't really thought about how much effort the FI put in to making sure I keep the "expect it" program running.

I sometimes fly with other pilots who I know are not expecting "it" like I seem to. Maybe I am not as optimistic a person as I have thought myself to be! I'm laughing at myself here a bit because in light of being more trusting, one should not be anticipating the sudden unpleasant possibilities. But I do. I don't dwell on them ... but I do pay attention. My husband teases me about this ... for example, when ever I am in a new space I consciously notice the exits. He watches me find them ... He thinks that is one of my amusing little quirks. I am all about getting comfy where I'm at, but I definitely want to know what the exit strategies are just in case. I do that when I'm inside and when I am outside ... walking, driving, swimming, flying ... living ... staying alive (oh oh oh oh staying alive). He says I am too vigilant. I think of it as situational awareness ... it has saved our biscuits once or twice.

I'm thinking about that falling backwards thing. I'm thinking about trust. About how rare it is to find myself comfortable with falling backwards ... . Well, in real life, it wouldn't be a team building ... trust building exercise ... if it were easy to do. I like it that I visited a place where falling backwards was possible. It makes me smile in my heart every time I think of that because authentic unreserved trust seemed to be beyond me ... beyond my deeply ingrained proclivities and now I see that it is not. Now I see that it hasn't been. I know I am somewhat vigilant. What I had lost sight of is that I am also very trusting in general ... . Hmmm ... that's not quite true. In general, I expect things to go well ... but I don't count on it ... I think plan a,b,c and d make plan a more enjoyable. I have the what if subroutine running. At the movie theater ... in the dark with strangers ... right before the "featured presentation" begins, I hear audio "enjoy your movie" then this, from my husband, "Do you have your exits"? He thinks it's amusing. He thinks it's a demonstration of "trust issues". Until recently, I thought he might be right about that.
Remember those glasses in that Nicholas Cage movie ... Ummm, what movie was that? I like those movies. (Okay, National Treasure ... anyway) The lenses in the glasses combined several layers to enhance different observations. All the stuff was there to see once one had the proper perspective. I've been trying to see well through dirty lenses. What I see now is that I really can trust God. He is a good God ... trustworthy on an epic scale ... not to be confused with human misperceptions or standards. I know that as I write these notes ... I also know that my human frailties will stumble me to places and times when I'm not as sure of that as I am today. Awareness is good ... I guess what I'm trying to say is, God has his eye on things too ... it's really good to be on board with Him.

Trust. Without getting all theological here ... an opinion: A lie was sold and purchased which separated man from God ... . The lie was that God was holding out on his creation ... That there was good stuff being kept back ... knowledge ranging from good to evil (Genesis 3) ... The download that would make us just like God.. Ummm ... Eve had a trust issue.

These past several months I've been falling backwards ... with all my stuff. Ummm. It's been good ... good experiences ... good outcomes ... a good look at myself ... . I found what seems to be a look at a stronger version of myself in an unbroken mirror through clean lenses ... . It took a little bit of falling backwards to get there. I'm smiling at myself, because ... Well, you can't see any of the exits when you're falling backwards. When you're falling backwards, you have to at least hope that some one is going to catch you. I wrote about a dream where I couldn't trust ... was unable to trust, and I couldn't bring myself to what was supposed to be next for me, because my inability to trust keep me from a step of faith. (That SILO dream... It's so bizarre to me that I make what seems to be a random note about some obscure something, then a year or two later, I see where it is part of the story that my soul seems to be trying to write ... Ugh ... Quite frankly it kinda creeps me out).
I'm trying to write about something. I don't know how to. Something surreal that changed my perspective and gave me a way to ... whatever comes next, whatever that is. I was stuck where not trusting God enough kept me. God constructed a surreal place where against all reason I was willing to "trust" ... Idk, maybe my curiosity got the best of me ... maybe it was instinct ... maybe I had time to sit a bit and think ...I don't know how I got there. I did hear myself ask, several times, what are the exit strategies from this wild unknown probably dangerous place and no answer was heard or seen. I fell backwards. I consciously chose to trust ... against my better judgement. I fell through some beautiful swirling golden light where I felt safe and cherished ... Yes, it rocked. The "falling" felt more like soaring and there has not been crash and burn over here on the other side of that surreal, dreamlike, not even an experience ... and yet ... not real ... not spiritual ... Hmmm, idk. It's good. Great. I am excited about what comes next as I process the stunned ... amazed ... awestruck ... chilled out ... less weighted down with baggage I don't need to carry ... aspects of who I caught a glimpse of ... me ... enjoying the adventure that life is. Trusting that life is good. Trusting that I am actually where I'm supposed to be [Red Sea Rule number one, right? ... What a coincidence ... The idea that day was about the "Unseen" (God and his business) moving the seen (me and my messiness).]

It's cool. Sorta like my loop dream ... Someone who knew more and better then me got in my airplane. Trusting them gave me an opportunity to enjoy flying more fully ... and grow stronger as a pilot ... . There really is no better joy then to understand all the ins and outs of the experience (for me flying) that speaks to ones soul. For me, to at very least know my own metaphorical airplane ... It's capabilities and limitations.

Seneca quotes

Venturi intake to provide suction, there was one on the other side as well. Touch for entire photo ... Not sure what that little scoop is ... static source below ... The pitot tube was really cool too.

Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity.

Wisdom does not show itself so much in precept as in life - in firmness of mind and a mastery of appetite. It teaches us to do as well as to talk; and to make our words and actions all of a color.

Anger: an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.

Anger, if not restrained, is frequently more hurtful to us than the injury that provokes it.

To the person who does not know where he wants to go there is no favorable wind.

‘What progress have I made? I am beginning to be my own friend.’ That is progress indeed. Such a people will never be alone and you may be sure he is a friend to all.

Nothing, to my way of thinking, is a better proof of a well ordered mind than a man’s ability to stop just where he is and pass some time in his own company.

There is no easy way from the earth to the stars. -Non est ad astra mollis e terris via.

To wish well is part of becoming well.

Do not ask for what you will wish you had not got.

Things that were hard to bear are sweet to remember.

True happiness is to understand our duties toward God and man; to enjoy the present, without anxious dependence upon the future; not to amuse ourselves with either hopes or fears, but to rest satisfied with what we have, which is abundantly sufficient; for he that is so wants nothing. The great blessings of mankind are with us, and within our reach; but we shut our eyes and, like people in the dark, fall foul of the very thing we search for without finding it. Tranquility is a certain equality of mind which no condition of fortune can either exalt or depress. There must be sound mind to make a happy man; there must be constancy in all conditions, a care for the things of this world but without anxiety; and such an indifference to the bounties of fortune that either with them or without them we may live content. True joy is serene. . . . The seat of it is within, and there is no cheerfulness like the resolution of a brave mind that has fortune under its feat. It is an invincible greatness of mind not to be elevated or dejected with good or ill fortune. A wise man is content with his lot, whatever it be - without wishing for what he has not.

~Seneca (4 BC - 65 AD)
Photo ... Wild Bridal Wreath (flower) with chimney remains of burnt down slave quarters ... Really. Touch to enlarge for complete picture.

Your “true north” cannot be redirected by external pressures. Once you start trying to satisfy one shareholder, you’ll have to deal with another shareholder with a different point of view. Same with board members and all your other constituencies. If you allow yourself to be pulled off course, you’re going to destroy your enterprise.

Bill George

Sunday, June 26, 2011

"A true adventurer goes forth aimless and uncalculating to meet and greet unknown fate."
~O. Henry

"Accept the things to which fate binds you, and love the people with whom fate brings you together, but do so with all your heart." ~Marcus Aurelius

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Very fun flight yesterday. They were using 18 ... Working some crosswind TO&Ls. I used almost full rudder for the departure. Torque on the roll then opposite rudder to hold the center line once we were airborne. A little Citation jet came in in front of my takeoff, but I really don't think that was a factor ... I padded my rotation speed just a bit ... just in case ... precious was onboard. Her friend really enjoyed the flight ... .6 amounted to a discovery flight for him. I flew it up and got everything lovely for cruise and let him get a feel for the plane. My kid took her headset off ... she didn't want to hear us talking. He did great! Really much better then I expected. I was bad about racking it over when I first started ... steep turns were my favorite. This guy nudged very gently up to twenty degrees and stopped there without any coaching. He'll be a quick study if he pursues this. He's an engineer, so he brings that perspective to experience ... plus, he did say he had read the whole book.. I remember my first flight with an instructor ... He told me I would be taking off and I thought he might be crazy ... Did he realize that this was my very first lesson ... did he understand that I didn't know how to fly?! Man ... He must have had some serious something ... How many times did I hear him say "NO STEEP TURNS IN THE PATTERN!". I was a mess to work with, no doubt. We didn't have much altitude to work with yesterday ... and visibility wasn't that great. I sure did see why the pilot I did the CFI training with was such a "monkey" student as I learned how to instruct. He was given to all sorts of antics ... His favorite of which was to try to flip us over ... . He was very successful in extracting my "when you least expect it" ... I expected it ... I expect it on the flight yesterday. It's so much different to be in the airplane with someone who doesn't know how to fly ... Someone who has never had their hand on the yoke. I liked it ... It certainly had my full attention. Keeping an eye on him, monitoring the airspace for hazards, communicating with other traffic ... Watching everything inside the plane as well ... Lots going on. If I did that as a full time instructor, it very well might fry what's left of my synapse! I think I really need to see about that. It was ... fun. It wasn't a flight lesson, but it was fun.

Okay, so we did end up seeing Bad Teacher. I do not have enough thumbs for as many thumbs down as I would have to give it ... it even made the popcorn taste bad! It was a comedy, but there was not much laughing going on around the theater. As we stood to leave, I asked my husband how he liked the movie ... He really surprised me by saying he liked it. Hmmm.
"What was your favorite part?" I was curious.
"The shoes." Ah haha! Say no more ... Christian Louboutin as worn by Cameron Diaz ... Definitely worth the price of admission. I really like shoes. Louboutin is one of the premier purveyor of shoes and I dare say a little something else comes with every pair. Red (hot) soles, baby ... Talk about genius marketing ... Don't even think about sliding in to a pair for less then a thousand bucks. Yeah ... That gorgeous ... .

Friday, June 24, 2011

It's early, and I have been up for a while already ... A load of laundry is swishing away, yesterday's pool smells will be Tide with frebreeze fresh soon. I like to get all the dryer time completed before I can see the sun over the trees. It had been too hot to walk my dog. I sheared his coat too close and he was getting sunburned. He has almost enough protection now ... Sunscreen?! He would rather not. Vehemently so.
The cardinal egg has hatched. I took a picture which I will post later. One little bird - all mouth, no feathers, but about three times the size of the last birds in the vine.

Today I will fly. My oldest daughter, Two, and her friend, are going up with me. Last time he came over here to visit, I gave him a copy of the Pilot's Handbook of Aeronautical Knowledge. I remembered giving him a book, but wasn't sure which one, so I asked him, and he told me he had already read the whole thing. I believe he said devoured. Last time he was here, we sat in the plane ... The winds weren't okay for a flight. Yesterday he was ready to go by eight, but we were five hundred OVC. I hated to tell him. Today ... Well, this morning there is a window in the forecasted weather. This will be a wonderful experience for him. He's never flown in a small airplane before, and is the kind of person who will want a certificate ... I'm very happy to take him up, but before this is done, I'm afraid he'll be in for several thousand plus the inst rating ... He's just that kind of guy. Poor kid.

I am having a great time with Netflix. There are tons of documentaries ... Looking at Hubble and Mars things later today while I iron ... perfect. My husband has found a couple of TV shows that he's pretty enthusiastic about; Lie to Me (about non-verbal communications in crime solving) and Flash Forward (the entire planet saw the future ... how'd that happen?) Both watchable. And it's Friday ...aka movie night. Tonight there is nothing playing that I would pay to see ... That we haven't already seen ... and you know my movie viewing standards aren't really that high! He's saying we'll see the Carmen Diaz/ Justin Timberlake movie. Last time I was set on "don't really wanna" we saw Thor. I actually enjoyed Thor.

Talked with my brother early this morning. Man, it's great to have a brother ... my brother is a great person. Somehow we got to talking about tequila. Patron tequila. Me gusta. Coolest bottle ever too ... I told him that's why we bought it ... Normally, I'm all about Jose. He thinks it's a lot more expensive in Texas then it is here ... doubt it. I doubt we'll need to replenish it very often too ... I noticed it's like some kinda crazy truth serum for me. Two shots swirling in lime juice and Cointreau and I am saying what I really think! Or maybe I should say not thinking!

Well, the mom shuttle has already made two runs ... I'm ahead on most of my house work already ... The scud layer is burning off and blue is beckoning above ... shirts to iron ... linens to laundry ... that reminds me, shirts to drop off as well. Better get to it!

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Monetize ... An experiment

Two's friend is here visiting from California. He has a blog that he developed maybe ten years ago ... It is monetized and I hear he makes several thousand bucks from it every year. I don't think they're pulling my leg. He asked me if I had monetized yet. What a strange word. So, I did. I took the plunge ... Now I have checked back and "my ads" are up. I am selling flowers! This is potentially very amusing. I am interested to see what shows up here. I took the music player off because it started having advertisements for home depot. I am going to think of a luxury product and see if I can write the magic words which make an advertisement for it appear.

Grilled lobster is succulent.
Vince Camuto shoes totally rock ... The five inch heels are a bit over the top out here in the middle of nowhere though ... my husband says they are inappropriate for church ... But perfect for running errands. Lol.

Okay ... Cocktail hour begins in one five minutes.

Starting to really think about love ...LOVE

My play buddy ... aka V ... is at camp this week and I find myself with a bit of extra time. I have a new thing I like to do ... I am pouring through the Netflex documentaries. It amazes me to see what is out there ... not all of them were developed by high quality thinkers. I can see that, but will I know manipulated information when I see it? Yesterday I watched one on conspiracy theories concerning 911. Kinda wish I hadn't seen that one. Of course I'm watching everything on Space, Planets, natural science, etc. I am also doing some reading on love, falling in love, ... love is a messy business ... I'm surprised that I haven't looked at it carefully before ... It is a fantastic topic to research. In a lot of the literature I have read over the years, I didn't spend any energy trying to understand the love connection. Okay ... Like say, Romeo and Juliet. A friend of mine is immersing her daughters in R&J this summer. When I read it, I just couldn't relate to their love for each other ... . Love is interesting. I'm pretty satisfied with the work I have been doing on trust ... I'm starting to focus on love. Everyone who knows me says I am very loving ... I think they are really noticing that I am a good listener (if I'm on board) and a good nurturer ... I care. I don't think that is the same thing as loving. Loving seems to require something lots more
Trust does come before love doesn't it?
Some CFI was talking about a milking stool. I don't like cows. They stink and they have vacant eyes ... that's what I think ... random observation. Apparently a milking stool has three legs ... The CFI said three legs provided optimum balance because if one leg was shorter it still didn't mess up the seat.

 Maybe that little analogy is available on line ... I'll look later I mention this only as a means of thinking about what experiential material supports love. My Buddygirl and I have been talking about this for many years now. She says "If you can't trust someone with your heart, what can you trust them with?". She is amazing at putting her heart out there ... . Yeah, trust does seem to be a major factor where love is concerned. I'm thinking that it's about trusting God rather then people though. People tend to let each other down for excellent reasons, reasonably reasons and sometimes for no reason. I'm thinking about that today ... .
What else ... This is starting to be pressing. Yesterday, another former student texted. He wants to know if I either have a plane or if I will come to work at his flight school ... His CFI (who was also one of my students) is moving on. He wants me to help him finish up. He's exhausted by the stream of instructors in his logbook. He thinks I will see him through ... And I would if I began working with him in the first place. Not having career objectives beyond flight instructing has it's advantages. I have been getting several calls like that here lately. My husband says I should just borrow the money for a small business. Aviation is not much of a money maker from what I've seen ... No thanks ... Talk about a money pit! So ... One of the local jet jocks has a C150 parked locally. I've got a line out on that. There are two other situations that are possibilities airplane wise ... I know how stuff suddenly morphs into something totally different then what you thought you were working with ... This has definitely been a time in my life when I thought I was safe in someone's hand only to find myself bounced like a rubber ball ... boing ... boing ... boing ... . Hahaha ... Live and learn right?! They absolutely are going to be hurting for help CFI wise around here very soon. I don't think I can work where I used to work. Because I don't want to. I like the chief ... From what I've seen he is qualified and professional ... I could feel good about his leadership. There's other stuff out there that I just don't want to wade through ... I don't think I'll apply out there. I'm actually thinking about driving to Atlanta to instruct one day a week ... Some of the programs over there specifically do not assign students ... They just fly with whomever is available that day. That seems strange to me but ... Well, good for the CFI, kinda sucky for the student ... Idk. I'm cogitating ... Maybe I should just hang a hammock in the backyard and call it loafing around!

Cleaned the master bedroom closet out today. It was actually quite a bit of good clean fun. Hahaha. Observations: I use slightly less then 1/3 of the available space. Most of what I like to wear is black or white or black and white. I also buy deep turquoise clothes, but seldom wear them. I have way way way too many shoes ... I love shoes and have for a long time. I am going to get rid of at least five pair of them ... I don't care about "not needing" when it comes to shoes. The light fixture in the closet does not click on automatically when the door is opened like all the other closets in our home. I will have to look in to that. I thought the lightbulb was just missing. That didn't bother me, broken does. I bet it's in the wiring. I secretly like to figure out stuff like that. Half of what is hanging in my closet I don't wear. My wedding dress for example. It is a very simple dress ... Why do I save it? There is no way any of my girls will have any interest in it.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

SILENCE .... Oh.

"In human intercourse the tragedy begins, not when there is misunderstanding about words, but when silence is not understood." ~ Thoreau

"There is no easy way from the earth to the stars." ~ Seneca

enter no(silence
e e cummings

enter no(silence is the blood whose flesh
is singing)silence:but unsinging. In
spectral such hugest how hush,one

dead leaf stirring makes a crash

—far away(as far as alive)lies
april;and i breathe-move-and-seem some
perpetually roaming whylessness—

autumn has gone:will winter never come?

o come,terrible anonymity;enfold
phantom me with the murdering minus of cold
—open this ghost with millionary knives of wind—
scatter his nothing all over what angry skies and

        (very whiteness:absolute peace,
never imaginable mystery)

from 73 Poems #67 (1963)


Boy ... Life just flies by doesn't it? This time next year we expect to be living at the beach. My husband has been looking at real-estate trends there for a few years now. I've been watching the weather on aeroweather ... it stays pretty pleasant there. We plan on renting a house for a year ... to see if it's really where we want to be. My husband is storm adverse ... hurricans you know. I'm not at all worried about that. I'm afraid it will be too quiet! There is a good bit of flying in that area, so that would be great for me. My husband does some cool stuff that he can do more of ... work wise ... and it doesn't insist on him being in the same place. Yesterday, he told me that we can spend the summer of 2013 in Alaska if I want to. He knows I do. He says we can go pretty much where ever in a few years. Our youngest child will start college in seven years. Seven years ... The days are long, but the years are short. Amazing. It seems strange to be looking at my house knowing that we may not live here after next summer. It changes how I spend my days ... like yard work for example ... I planned to build something this summer but now I won't. Instead, I'll take clippings from the gardenia bush I planted 15 years ago ... I'll get a few starts going for planting somewhere next. The rose vine ... I'm watching the bird activity there. They will be out of the nests pretty soon. I'd like to take the entire root ball ... probably transplant the rose vine this fall ... get it settled in to a large pot. I'll miss the day lilies ... maybe I'll take a few, probably better to find them in the nurseries over there.
I like bottle trees. Very Southern roots. My brother will weld one for me as soon as we buy a house over that way. I've shown him what I'd like for it to look like ... as big as a crepe myrtle tree ... Maybe fifteen foot high. It will need to be anchored in concrete. I am excited about helping create that. He is so particular that I will probably just get to hold the blow torch while he sips on a cold beer and what's that word ... cogitates! Oh that has me tickled here ... What a funny word. Our dad used to say that when he really meant "slacking".

What I'm thinking about lately ... Something like this Steinbeck thing:

"Now discontent nibbled at him - not painfully, but constantly.
Where does discontent start? You are warm enough, but you shiver. You are fed, yet hunger gnaws you. You have been loved, but your yearning wanders in new fields. And to prod all these there's time, the bastard Time. The end of life is now not so terribly far away - you can see it the way you see the finish line when you come into the stretch - and your mind says, 'Have I worked enough? Have I eaten enough? Have I loved enough?' All of these, of course, are the foundation of man's greatest curse, and perhaps his greatest glory. 'What has my life meant so far, and what can it mean in the time left to me' And now we're coming to the wicked, poisoned dart: 'What have I contributed in the Great Ledger? What am I worth?' And this isn't vanity or ambition. Men seem to be born w/ a debt they can never pay, no matter how hard they try. It piles up ahead of them. Man owes something to man. If he ignores the debt it poisons him, and if he tries to make payments the debt only increases, and the quality of his gift is the measure of the man."

I'm used to thinking about what I'm going to do next ... And, as I look at that bucket list, there's really nothing on there that really reminds me of me. Well, it totally does, but it totally doesn't too. Everything on that list is a "go there and look at this" kind of thing. It's pretty much a bucket full of ... Cogitating. The big challenge on that list is just finding someone to go with me. That's probably the problem I have with the bucket list ... It's hard to see the life that is lived during and between those potential flag posts. Where's the challenge? I think I am missing something here ... You know, you want to spend the moments of your life purposefully. Contributing. Hmmmm.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Father's Day

It's Father's Day. We celebrated the father of my children today ... It's not easy to be a dad to five very dynamic individuals. He has been a lot more versatile then he might have preferred to be. He's still right in the middle of being a great dad.

There was a small vase of flowers on the dining room table today. I like having cut flowers in the house, and make an effort to keep some on the table ... an orchid in the den and a small bunch of cut flowers in the dining room ... that's what I like. I'm not good with indoor plants ... . Those particular flowers on the table today were delivered on Monday. It's fairly routine for one of my daughters to receive a delivery like that ... exciting and fun ... . Well, that delivery was for me! Big treat! Big surprise! You'll never guess who from ... from the daughter of that older lady who I had the pleasure of taking up last week ... and the sweetest note ever was enclosed. I'll load up a photo when I get more proficient at that new trick. I want to remember this bouquet ... yellow roses.

I think of my Dad when I see flowers in water sitting on the table where we can enjoy them. My dad liked to garden. He did a lot of his thinking out in the yard ... lots of times I'd find him sitting out in the dark after a day of working in the yard ... he'd be looking at stars ... a glass of sweet tea at hand ... with the smell of freshly cut grass still lingering in the air while the cicadas called to one another. I miss him still. My dad was of Welsh descent ... black hair that became salt and pepper in his forties ... . It would have been a wonderful thing to watch it go all white. He was dark complected with surprising light blue eyes ... the color of blue that you see right above the clouds on very cold days ... icy blue. I think that is one of the very best gifts that my Father gave me ... his eyes. The ability to see things with his eyes ...

When my brother died ... Well, I had a hard time with it. I was sixteen ... he'd been my best friend my whole life. I wasn't big enough to absorb the shock of it ... mad at God ... really mad ... hateful hurting mad. I asked my dad that question ... "Where was God when my brother died? Why did the man who ran his eighteen wheeler through two lanes and right through my brother's life ... why did he get to live ... why did my brother have to die?"
My dad said, "I don't know." He was quiet for a moment before he said it again ... "I just don't know." He got up and said let's walk, and he reached for his little garden clippers. I didn't want to walk around the garden ... I remember my reticence ... freaking stupid flowers. I got up and followed him though.
I remember him saying, "We're going to put some flowers on the table ... You're going to help ... which one?" I remember I was pissed. My brother's dead and we're out here getting flowers for the table just like nothing happened ...
"That one."
"Oh, excellent choice." he said as he snipped, "Which one next?"
I pointed, "Some of those."
"This one?" he asked gently reaching in to the cluster.
I nodded.
"These? Would these be pretty?" Marigolds stink ... He knows I don't like marigolds.
"No Daddy, those stink."
"Oh yeah, we don't want any stinkers ... How 'bout these?" Yellow roses. He only clips them when they're about done ... He's particular about his roses. Our backyard was the best smelling place in my world.
"Can we clip some buds?" He smiles ... He knows I like to watch then open up.
"Which ones?"
... This went on for a while, it was something he and I did together. We always had flowers from the garden on the table. He'd send me in the house with a handful of pretty flowers ... I would arrange them just so ... picking out a vase ... dissolving a bayer aspirin in the water ...sometimes I'd go back outside for just one more ... or maybe some fern.
Daddy came in about the time I sat the vase on the table.
He would almost invariably say something like "Perfect ...just right." I remember him not saying that that day. Instead he looked at me ... and he smiled ... a sad smile that squeezed a tear out of his blue eyes ... and he asked me "How do you choose which flowers to cut ... which flowers will come inside to sit on the table?"
I just looked at him.
"Do I have the right to tell God which flowers he may or may not pick as He walks through His garden? Is it right for Him to choose which ones?" My daddy asked me that ... and I just looked at him. "Your brother is probably the center piece in God's bouquet today. The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away ... Blessed be the name of the Lord."

I would like to say that was a big help that day. It wasn't. I actually felt kind of tricked by my dad that day. But over time ... well, I cherish the sweetness. That flower was his boy. I've never known a man who loved his children more tenderly then my dad loved us. My brother's death was very hard on my dad. He died five years later, almost to the day ... and he never really recovered from that loss, but he did genuinely mean it when he said, "Blessed be the name of the Lord."

I was blessed to have him for my father ... . The flowers on the table remind me of him, and I smile.

Talkin' 'bout that Green Lantern

Yeah ... I saw it yesterday ... and today ... and now I'm going to write a few notes on it. I liked the movie.

There's some pretty cool flying in the movie. I really liked the flying ... both the aircraft and the Lantern's flying. No cheesy cape ... well the cape is kinda cool, but the green contrail is cooler. "The one thing I do know how to do is fly." Pilot's are going to like this movie.

I really liked how the sub story was developed. The idea of being "only human" was presented and I can relate to that ... sometimes I want to cut myself too much slack because, well, I'm only human and replete with all the frailties ... well not all, more like the frailty du jour. The movie was basically about addressing fear The notion of fear as voraciously feeding on fears and growing stronger with each "will" which was overcome with fear. Fear paralyzing one's ability to act as a successful "will" would require. Fear overcoming our constructs as our will stumbles ... giving way to defeat. "If for once you don't quit something you care about, what's the worst thing that can happen?" ... what a great question. It seems like fear encourages us to live very small lives ... tiny lives ... cramped lives, because they are not big enough for who we were meant to be.
There seemed to be bunches of spiritual connotations ... like this; "... you've been given so much, so often ..." suggesting ...
From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked. ~ Luke 12:48

The idea of inducing fear in a person as a means of disabling them is explored ... terror as a weapon ... they suggest that it is a weapon that corrupts the wielder of the weapon, who is equally vulnerable to the ravages of fear.

"You are afraid to admit that you are afraid." ... we are vulnerable, but that doesn't make us weak. It's not an absence of fear that makes one an overcomer ... rather courage in the face of adversity. What might have been considered the primary weakness ... "I'm only human" ... was the very quality that saved the day. During the time that I've been making notes here, the past couple of years, I've noticed something that I am pretty sure is true ... It's right to be who you really are ... Be a strong version of yourself.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous! Do not tremble or be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9

In the movie, the idea of being born to fulfill a destiny was a theme. I believe we are somewhat destined to play a role in one another's lives and in a story larger then the life we see ourselves living. The invisible ebb and flow of life moves us in and out of the lives around us ... strangers may briefly touch dialing back pain ... enhancing perspectives ... offering just that little tiny tweak that makes all the difference. It's not as epic a story as saving the planet, but it can make a world of difference as the results are magnified over time. Being self conscious or afraid of saying the wrong thing ... doing the wrong thing ... making a mistake ... misses opportunities to make a difference. Our egos seem like a perfect portal for a major injection of fear. I think each of us is perfectly suited to play the role we were born to play. Fear seeks to keep us from being the best version of ourselves.  Actively addressing our fears provides opportunity for growth I think.

What is a hero? Maybe it is someone who stands between you and what you fear ... keeping you safe. Maybe it is someone who extends a hand pulling you up to face your fears. Maybe it's someone who holds up a mirror which allows you to see a courage and strength reflected there.

Green Lantern ... Surprisingly cool.
First attempt! No ... Not exactly. I'm trying to figure out how to load photos here from the iPad2. This one was loaded from a newly installed photo bucket ap. I'm not sure that I'm going to like that. I did get the apple camera upload gizmo, but I would like to load pictures from albums that are stored on this device.

This image was screen shot from the "Future of Airbus" ap. The ap is basically a slide show of futuristic travel via Airbus. No pilots on board ... Unless they're traveling as passengers! Cool aircraft ... Creepy invisible cockpit!

I'm working on the orientation of the photo ... Blogger compose isn't available in this format and I am not yet aquainted enough with photo bucket to know how to flip my photos.

I'll figure it out. I'm still adjusting to the fact that there is no spell check function in the edit mode ... My spelling has gotten a lot more careful!

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Monday 30 November 2009

Here we are at that hyperhappy time of year - I gotta find a way to get on board. I'm not wanting to go to any of the parties - feeling very Grinchy about the whole thing. That is not my prerogative though - I am the mom and I believe it is my job to make things nice (for all my every ones). I am feeling quite sad for no known reason - I am feeling fake because that is a better version than what is real. I think a lot of people feel that way. I really need to find the way out of this funk - it's been going on too long now. A week was too long. I've read that we humans have a 7 year psychological cycle - I'm pretty close to year 3 of this cycle if there is such a thing - that makes me smile -- the silliness of that. I hear myself say that people chose to be happy or not. It hasn't been quite that simple. I need to get busy thinking of ways to make this a good time of year for my family - and stay busy thinking there. This introspective stuff is busting my chops! I bet my girls would like a cookie making party. And - I have pansies to plant and lovely weed free beds with fresh bark ready to be spread about. I think I am just feeling very crowded...I want to help make things good for everyone, but I'm just still adjusting. I don't like that there is no room for the ironing board... . I am fretful at all the clutter. Adding a tree and all that jinglebell is ... not as appealing as it should be. And my back is absolutely killing me - no yoga and 3 days worth of weeding is exacting a toll! I will post a picture or two of the yard as soon as I get those flowers planted! IT's going to be worth it I'm (almost) sure!

Today. 24 November 2009

Is Tuesday before Thanksgiving. We are going to do the Thanksgiving feast a little differently this year. I love to cook, but this year we aren't gonna do the big traditional spread. In years past we have experimented with different cuisines - we thought we might be more thankful with Italian food for example. This year we are experiencing a space crunch. This year all the furniture and books and paintings and stuff has been moved to other places in our home from the living room and dining room. This year two of our adult children live in those rooms. I jokingly say we are having a third world experience. We are cramped...nerves are frayed...teenage tempers flare unexpectedly - and "light up" the house. This is a rough economy. I am glad the two oldest can finish their educations ... I'm glad that they are able to stay on the paths they most prefer. I can make the sacrifices of space and calm to accommodate them. I am happy to participate in their lives ... and I understand why the younger one feels grouchy though. They are teenagers - and they have no perspective.
So this Thanksgiving we are conserving. This year I will prepare the tastiest, most visually appealing little turkey pot pies I've ever seen. I am starting to get excited about it. This year I am thankful for a good life. I am thankful for my five children and my husband. I am thankful for the many blessings that we have the luxury of taking for granted...wish we didn't but we do.
This year I am thankful that we are together. And I am thankful that I am able to be thankful about that!

Sunday night Thankful - Monday morning

1goodnights sleep in a comfy bed
2coffee - light and sweet and hot - perfect
3quiet house bc everyone is off to a new week
4my great little job
5yesterday time spent with a very good little lady - it's great how God uses us to strenghten each other
6shampoo - my favorite kind - Aveda brilliant
7all the beautiful sky I saw yesterday. I saw a clear clean day sky and the prettiest night sky ever
8God's protection (pthp)
9time to do, live, learn

gotta run it's Monday!

From 18 November 2009

Here it is Wednesday and I haven't written much this week. I am thinking about a few things - DA vs PA which no one but me is very interested in! It's been a busy week as the semester winds down. Last lecture was last night. I'm getting better at teaching, but I wish I had twice as much time with the class bc it seems like there's so much more to cover. I work with mostly freshmen - they haven't learned that they really need to read the material before (and probably after) the lecture. Last night we reviewed among other things - how to convert PA to DA on the E6b. Here is another easy formula to calculate density altitude from pressure altitude

***This is an easier formula to calculate (with great approximation) density altitude from pressure altitude and International Standard Atmosphere temperature deviation

Density altitude in feet = pressure altitude in feet + (120 x (OAT - ISA_temperature))

OAT = Outside air temperature in °C
ISA_temperature = 15 °C - (1.98 °C/1000 ft × pressure altitude in feet)***Wikipedia

One of the students said his CFI taught him a different way which I encouraged him to share with the class - it was not correct information and I shut him down pretty fast b4 he embarrassed himself or confused the class but we had to spend extra time cleaning it up and rethinking it. I like that. I like looking at new ways of doing things - tricks passed from one CFI to another - but I am concerned about misinformation too. As I teach (we had 40 in class last night) I am very much aware that this is the first imprint of a lot of this aviation info for these beginning aviators. I want to get it right for them (and myself). Anybody who has read my posts(heart) knows that I think it is extremely important to have a correct/strong perspective and also that I believe we are easily tweaked to misperceive (not a word, I know but so perfectly misused here - ) misunderstand...miss. We all want to "get it right". No one sets out to be uninformed - but there are a lot of idiots out there! I want to have the eyes of my heart open - I want to see as clearly as possible what it true. I love the rocks at the Smithsonian Inst. Everyone thinks I'm talking about the Hope Diamond when I say that, but I am actually talking about the dirtclods in the back of the exihibit - in natural light they look like - dirtclods - in other lights, like ultraviolet - they look like - the Hope Diamond (sorta) ... we walk around looking at stuff like our way of seeing things is THE way...when really it is limited to "our way". I really like that there are different lights to see things in. I pray that I may see things as God has in mind for me to see them and not let those shadows distort my view.


Note on 18 June 2011: kinda ironic that I chose this quote as the title for the sky-scape I painted to commemorate my CFI ticket. Truly amusing and interesting how things go.

"Happy, but for so happy ill secured."

I like Milton. This quote - though out of context - is what I'm talking about with flying. I feel a lot of happy when flying. I talk about flight discipline - which is super important. I have flown with people who have the happy disciplined out of themselves though. Seems like it's pretty hard to stay with the joy - in the moment - and still bring that high level of competence aboard. That's the joy really - being pretty darned good at something that is so much like fun. When I first started flying I was just happy to fly - now I am also well secured.

green arc November 2009

I'm starting to realize that if I can trust God - not if God is trustworthy - if I am capable of trusting...holding on to the invisible hand - I'm starting to realize that I feel a lot more comfortable with everything when I feel safe with God.
I really like the way reciprocating engines work - when everything is in sync. Look at that picture (below) in to the engine. It's hot - 450 degree cyl temp - EGT 1400 - pretty hot - but not too hot because that was within design tolerances. It's good to start - just starting here and quite frankly I'm kinda afraid of this road because I am a vigilant soul...I watch...sometimes I get "scart". Last time I had a big adventure with God I sat in my car that morning and smiled at the idea of adventuring souls. Then a lot of interpersonal baggage fell down...tumbling over and over and all my stuff was out there in a mess. And I wasn't very graceful about any of it ... I started kicking it around. I didn't do any trusting at all. Just hissyfit kinda stuff. And after I settled down I came to a big realization - and that was: My sinfulness doesn't hurt just me - it also makes God sad. I hadn't realized that before. I was thinking about it like - an engine out of sync cuts down on performance - things aren't as nice but you can still get the job done - no one but the airplane suffers. That was wrong. AND I hadn't really paid much attention to the fact that other people get hurt when I "act out". It feels pretty bad to contribute to someone else's mess. I'm starting to realize that it is vitally important to me to trust God. It makes my stuff work a lot better. It just makes sense ... I was made by God. Why? I do not know. What am I supposed to do? Seems like I'm supposed to do what I do with an eye towards God and my hand in His invisible hand. I've noticed that when I'm messing up I mess up everything/one around me. Someone said, "You gotta walk around in the shit you lay down." I do not like that very much. It stinks. I would like to do better - operate with in the "green arc". Maybe that is what trusting God is really about. It's still pretty hard though.

Air and airplanes

I wish you well... 23 November 2009

I wish you well and so I take my leave,
I Pray you know me when we meet again.
William Shakespeare

What does that mean to me... Wish you well.. Well - to me means healed . To me it means whole.... I wish you well... I wish you well - well with your soul.
We all get kinda messed up. We all get broken by our choices and by circumstances...choices made by those around us. We are broken - not well - because it is our human condition.
I wish you well because I care specifically about you ... Because God made it possible for me to do so.
Travel well - safely home... God is good. He wants to restore us on a personal, individual level.
It astonishes me that He cares. It is amazing that He can prompt me to care. Be well.
Be well, that is my prayer for you. That is my prayer for me too.

Ps 46:10. ...on 22 November 2009

I am taking a break. It has been my plan, for a long time, to earn the certificates and experience to be able to fly for income. I have turned out to be a person who doesn't want/need a lot of stuff. I like the stuff I have to be really nice - but if it's not that's not as important to me as it seems to be to a lot of's not how I keep's not how I assign value or self esteem. Working at things that I find interesting and challenging are what I like to do. Being decent towards other people and respectful towards them and towards myself is important to me. I am not going to be the best at every aspect of what I choose to do. That doesn't bother me. I am thankful that I have the luxury to make choices. Well, I guess we all make choices - what I am trying to say is this: Several years ago I asked some women from a different culture about one of their religious/social customs. From my frame of reference the answer to the question should have been common knowledge to the women - comparable to someone handing me a globe/map and asking me to point out Texas - something any school child should be able to do! The women looked at each other - no one knew the answer - they weren't embarrassed by their ignorance of their culture (The question was something like, "What does this festival that y'all are preparing to celebrate commemorate"? It'd be like asking a Christian - why do so many of the churches of your faith have a cross hanging somewhere in the building....) . The women were annoyed at me for asking them the question. I'm not judging them - I am observing a cultural difference. The women of that culture are not encouraged to think about stuff like that - that is the point I am meandering to. I am grateful for the opportunity to be allowed to follow my curiosity about things. I am grateful that I live in a time and place where I can exercise that freedom. I am so thankful for the people who have engineered and defended those freedoms. I feel an obligation to them to not squander those liberties.

I did spend several years finding my way to me. I sometimes question whether or not I am making appropriate choices about how I spend my time now. Should I still be keeping busy as PTA President and Garden Club - League of Women Voters - Literacy Council - Jr.League has started up in town - should I be doing that kind of thing? I cook well - am I messing up by not spending time planning wonderful meals and keeping all the grout in my home pristine? We have a "sock basket" - over the years I have become not the sock girl. 2x7x7=98 socks per week to chase ... they seemed to be less important than something else - so I went looking for it.

I would not have dreamed it would be flying airplanes. I do like flying quite a bit. I like that each of the tiny components of the activity can be done well - I like that there are little things and that it is a big thing. I like that I can learn about it by doing it and also by reading about it and thinking about it. I like that I can learn about it from/with other people. I like flying with people. I like that you have to discipline yourself towards it. I like that the discipline is somewhat transferable to other areas of my life. I like the layers of it. I like very much the possibility of helping someone else on their journey. It'll be different than mine - and I wouldn't participate in much of it with them - and that's good. I think when you come up to something that requires hard choices - something you can stretch towards - I think it's a luxury to have the opportunity to do that. The flying - and the stretching.

These last few months I have learned a lot about hope, trust,perseverance,humility,compassion, generosity and arrogance - I've spent some time thinking, some time laughing, sometime crying, some time seeking forgiveness, some time forgiving ... I'm learning how to love I guess. It's easier to love my people - the people I've chosen/promised to love. It's harder to figure out how to be trusting and loving in the larger context. It's hard to make one's self vulnerable. It's hard and easy at the same time. It is letting go of self...and control.... The stakes change - from what you're trying to get or protect to what you're willing to let go of. It is a sort of a realization that we are really all sojourning (broken/wounded) souls. It's hard to stay there.

very hard. 15 November 2009

I am working on on relaxing. Working on relaxing.
Something nice will happen and I will worry about it. How whacked out is that? Why can't I just relax?
The Bible says God has good plans for us. When good things happen why is that cause for concern? I mean - I don't really think I have a great handle on what is good for me and what is not good for me, but I do believe that God is good - trustworthy - big picture ... I truly want to relax - vacate.
Good stuff happens and I want it to keep on happening - then I worry that it won't. I don't want to worry about goofy stuff like that. I don't want to worry about anything. I want to do what I think God wants me to do. I want to go there and just do what I do - what God has made possible for me to do. I like the lyrics - "Daily bread, give us daily bread,bless our bodies - keep our children feed..." I keep on knowing that God encourages us to stay in the day. Seems like I like to borrow trouble from yesterday and tomorrow. I think I need to spend the energy on relaxing into relaxing. I need to do what I'm supposed to do and then just relax - don't fret, don't second guess, don't kick myself around.
What I believe is really true is that God is in control - He is God - I can rest in that. Now I feel better.

Gratitude ~ Nicole Nordeman
Send some rain, would You send some rain?
'Cause the earth is dry and needs to drink again
And the sun is high and we are sinking in the shade
Would You send a cloud, thunder long and loud?
Let the sky grow black and send some mercy down
Surely You can see that we are thirsty and afraid
But maybe not, not today
Maybe You'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case . . .


We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
For lessons learned in how to thirst for You
How to bless the very sun that warms our face
If You never send us rain

Daily bread, give us daily bread
Bless our bodies, keep our children fed
Fill our cups, then fill them up again tonight
Wrap us up and warm us through
Tucked away beneath our sturdy roofs
Let us slumber safe from danger's view this time
Or maybe not, not today
Maybe You'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case . . .


We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
A lesson learned to hunger after You
That a starry sky offers a better view if no roof is overhead And if we never taste that bread

Oh, the differences that often are between
What we want and what we really need

So grant us peace, Jesus, grant us peace
Move our hearts to hear a single beat
Between alibis and enemies tonight
Or maybe not, not today
Peace might be another world away
And if that's the case . . .


We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
For lessons learned in how to trust in You
That we are blessed beyond what we could ever dream
In abundance or in need
And if You never grant us peace

But Jesus, would You please . . .

Healed ~ Nicole Nordeman. 2 November 2009

We stutter and we stammer 'til You say us
A symphony of chaos 'til You play us
Phrases on the pages of unknown
'Til You read us into poetry and prose

We are kept and we are captive 'til You free us
Vaguely unimagined 'til You dream us
Aimlessly unguided 'til You lead us home

By Your voice, we speak
By Your strength, no longer weak
We are no longer weak

By Your wounds we are healed
By Your wounds we are healed

Passed over and passed by until You claim us
Orphaned and abandoned 'til You name us
Hidden and disclosed 'til You expose our hearts

By Your death we live
It is by Your gift that we might give
That we might give

What kind of love would take your shame
And spill His blood for you
And save us by His wounds.

Sunday night thankful... 25 Oct 2009

Just came from "Sam's" - gathering berries for the kids lunches this week. Our checkout person was a real mess - too many absent fathers/stepfathers/male attention or lack there of - she's getting married soon...who will/should walk her down the aisle is an issue...songs for the reception dance seem to mean more than music to celebrate to. 1. Thank you to L (already!) and thankful that my girls won't have to deal with that. Can't even think what that'll mean in baggage for the marriage.

2. I was called out to chauffeur 4 out to her doings tonight. As I dropped her off I thought of how much she reminds me of myself at that age. I am thankful that she isn't doing the self destructive stuff that I was doing at that age.
3 I am thankful that my children have a pretty stable home.
4 I am thankful for Epsom salts (eucalyptus) in hot baths.
5I am thankful for my two flights tomorrow.
6I am thankful for these huge delicious bread rolls at lunch today
7I am thankful for ice water to drink
8baseball games (Yankees vs Angels specifically)
9I am thankful for a peaceful home
10I am thankful that I think/believe this will be a good week