The way to love someone
is to lightly run your finger over that person's soul
until you find a crack,
and then gently pour your love into that crack.
~Keith Miller

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

"Anyone can make mistakes, but only an idiot persists in his error."- Cicero

Monday, May 30, 2011

Daniel Marshall ... architect.

New Zealand based architect with some very cool ideas.
Okay ... here is something cool for the list of things to do ... all aspects seem perfect for me.

In Georgia ...  luxurious tent with plump pillows and fluffy beds ... hot showers ... hors d'oeuvers ... heck yeah ... on the list!

And these ... too much fun!  Ziplines.   2400' long zipline ...flies at up to 70mph ... uhhuh ... called the screaming eagle ... says it's like stepping off a 30 story building  (puking may be optional) ... 300' above snake creek.  and this other: based in Lula (never heard of it) which boasts a dozen ziplines, sky bridges, and a thirty foot rappel (I used to like to rappel) Says you zoom over the North Oconee River at speeds up to 30mph ... zooming sounds good.  Faster sounds better. 

There's tubing on the Ocoee up by Chattanooga (love Chattanooga)
Kayaking near Spanish Fort Alabama ... or pontoon boats are available ... the white pelicans and snapping turtles sound okay, but there are alligators there too ... not a fan of alligators.  (Mobile-Renshaw Delta)

The Blueridge Parkway is gorgeous ...would be awesome on a trip with the top down.

Jekyll Island has horses for riding out to St.Simon's light house ... kinda perfect ... 'cept those kinda horses are usually kinda in a hurry to get back to their feedbag! 

There are a few fun ideas ... .

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Pirates of the Caribbean : on Stranger Tides ... 3D

"Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin to slit throats." ~ H. L. Mencken

This evening my husband and I saw Pirates in 3D. He hadn't seen the movie, but because I was so enthusiastic about it, he wanted to. Just so you know ... 3D was not worth the extra money in my opinion. I did laugh at myself for jumping in the same spots ... My husband asked "You have seen the movie before, right?" I told him that I am just a very plugged in kinda girl.   I enjoyed seeing the movie a second time. If you wade through the credits (I like to see the credits myself) there is a little extra ending bonus. These Pirate movies remind me of operas ... the musical score was fun. Husband strongly preferred THOR ... We saw that in 3D and I think that's the way to go with Thor.

I put as much dark eye shadow on as I possibly could for the movie tonight ... and had a glass of homemade lemonade before hand. (Lemonade is delicious!)
Relaxing ... no ponytail day!

I tried to talk my husband in to wearing dark eyeshadow too ... hahaha no way!  He said he doesn't like pirates ... .  I did appreciate the Jack Nicholson look in the three D glasses though ... There's something pretty hot about a man in vintage RayBans!

Different topic ... My husband is encouraging me to get my MEI ... I'm thinking about it. This morning when he first mentioned it I was aggravated, thinking that's just what I need ... another useless certificate sitting in my flight bag. I really don't want to teach multi-engine ... And that's good for the simple fact that CFIs who want to progress their careers need the multi time ... less important to me. I don't know ... I'm thinking about it.

Tonight I feel better then I have since that awesome feeling day ... I've been looking back over this blog and for the first time, I can really see the larger story. It's kinda weird ... I thought these musings were very disjointed, but not so. What I've been most concerned about ... why I started writing here in the first place ... I feel really good ... Awesome ... about that stuff. I may write about that tomorrow from the laptop.

I am starting to read up on Yoga. I am drawn to adding a little yoga to my day. I'm thinking about doing an experiment on myself ... Noticed that I say think and thinking
quite often. One of the things I've read about with this yoga stuff talks about poses that elevate your heart above your head ... The material was talking about listening to your feelings. When I was younger, I was more if a "feeler" ... I miss that about myself. Recently, I had an opportunity to do some feeling without much thinking attached to it ... It reminded me that feeling ... feels good. I'm reading a book: "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" ... It's interesting. Husband bought it about a hundred years ago, and I knew it was on a bookshelf in the attic ... yellowed pages and all. One idea expressed is that women are like waves ... They/we love, love, love ... Give ... Nurture to a point of ... empty ... think he describes it as a well. That's how I've been feeling. He discusses some solutions too. Kinda interesting.
That list of things to think about that I posted ... Question one asks what do you want to do before you die and ... I'm having trouble thinking of things there. Realistically, I have a young child to rear ... the Peace Corps is out for me ... . There are a few places I would love to see, but I don't have a burning desire to check them off. It would be really great to do something that I think of as useful ... .

Friday, May 27, 2011

Notes made on 27 May:

Forgiveness is not a moral issue.
It is an energy dynamic...

Forgiveness means that you do not carry the baggage of an experience.

When you choose not to forgive,
the experience that you do not forgive sticks with you.
When you choose not to forgive,
it is like agreeing to wear dark, gruesome sunglasses that distort everything,
and it is you who are forced every day
to look at life through those contaminated lenses

because you have chosen to keep them.

~ Gary Zukav from The Seat Of The Soul

I appreciate this idea. But who is Gary Zukav? Google.
Now I've seen a couple of YouTube videos and he has been extensively wikied.

"According to Zukav, creating authentic power is a highly personal endeavor that requires the development of emotional awareness, responsible choice, intuition, and trust in the Universe, which he describes as "alive, wise, and compassionate."[7] He asserts that each individual can create authentic power only for himself or herself. He defines intention as a “quality of consciousness that infuses an action,” i.e., the reason or motivation for the action, and choice of intention as the “fundamental creative act” that each individual performs continually, whether unconsciously or consciously. Creating authentic power requires consciously choosing intentions that create consequences for which the chooser is willing to assume responsibility (responsible choice), which requires emotional awareness, and which intuition can assist." ~Wikipedia ... Always makes me laugh ... What a great idea to let people collaborate on explaining a topic ... committee work!

Is he saying that authentic power is a responsible ... emotionally, perhaps spiritually, responsible choice which is arrived at intutively. Is he saying that I may make a really excellent choice because it "feels" right?
Ummm ... I'm gonna have to think a bit about this, but I do understand gut reaction. I do understand the feeling of "this feels right or safe". I have felt something that felt right when really just this facet of it was right ... some right sitting in a pile of wrongSome safe sitting in a furnace.  I know a little bit about that.

This forgiveness thing. Forgiving someone can be pretty difficult.

I'm also thinking about pain that was caused without malicious intent ... Some people hurt you because they just don't get it ... They are emotionally retarded or just stupid maybe. Does their intent come in to play in the pursuit of forgiveness. Yeah, I believe holding a grudge or holding on to bitterness hurts the offended party ... it sits in ones soul bitter as bile. I gag on the poison even as I am unable to forgive. What was that "Chuck" quote ... ?
Ah here it is: "There's enough poison in that drink to kill an army platoon. Good thing I'm a marine." - chuck/tv
Yeah ... good thing I am me. I survive to forgive on another day ... .

I'm thinking back to the Bible story of the three Hebrews who were thrown in to the fire. Man what an awesome story. These guys were "good guys" ... Serving their God in a discreet, reverent way. Through some evil gyrations, they were to be punished for this authentic attempt to honor what they believed to be holy ... sacred. The way little me was told this story in Sunday school ... and the way bigger me later re-read the story was ... Long story short, they survived the fire. God wins ... get on the right team ... .

I'm seeing it a little differently now though. I'm thinking about ... well, here goes: These guys were in a foreign land as slaves ... their choices were somewhat limited by the choke collar of slavery. But they did have a few choices (like Mandela ... like all of us). Their choices landed them in a furnace and I bet they were pretty in tune with the idea of hope that I am currently grappling with. They actually express their hope saying something like they don't know how this thing will play out, but they're unconcerned (probably some bravado at play there ... good game face maybe ... maybe they really were unconcerned ... wow) because they have faith in the ultimate goodness of the God they serve. They say, in Daniel 3:17 we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter ... the God we serve is able to save us from it ... (but even if he does not, we still will not serve your gods of images of gold) ... King Nebuchadnezzar is ... inflamed ... and ordered the three slaves bound and then thrown in to the furnace ... the soldiers who tossed them in were consumed by the heat. Next, the three are seen walking in the fire with a fourth, described by the King as : v25 ... "Look! I see four men walking around in the fire, unbound and unharmed, and the fourth looks like a son of the gods." NIV
... my favorite tinybig part ... v27 ... and there was no smell of fire on them..

So why revisit this story ... of a bit of strenght facing an insurmountable, consuming trial ... then help (smiling to self as I pause in my typing ... I wish for help with "skin on" ... this son of the gods may have been more recognizable because he wasn't sheathed in flesh) ... then we get to where this story touches my story. These guys walked away from the fire. The fire freed them from their bonds ... and they came out unharmed and not even smellng like smoke ... stronger versions of themselves.
The fire was an instrument which might have consumed them, but it became a minor part of a much larger story then the story of a few defiant slaves. Bet these guys didn't spend much time revisiting the trauma of the fire ... or stuck in a place where they couldn't forgive the guy responsible for tossing them in ... bet they didn't spend anytime anaylying his intent ... bet they were overjoyed to have experienced redemption realizing that the fire was ... well, we are saved from something and we all experience our own little hells. These guys didn't spend anytime surveying the fire through dark gruesome sunglasses. That's where I was stuck. The horror of the trauma made it difficult ... impossible to forgive ... .
I am thankful that "God" showed up (even with no skin on) and cleaned my shades ... guess what ... I'm not stuck in the fire ... I don't have to stand near getting zinged by the sparks. 

It's best to move towards a place where forgiveness can be realized. Maybe even sit quietly in a lovely place and drink some refreshing lemonade ... regroup after the fire ... rest in the peace and joy of redemption. I was stuck looking at the wrong thing. I was stuck looking at the wrong place through charred glasses. That's what I'm thinking about today.

This guy, Dr. Zukav, may be a little new age for my sensibilities ... maybe ... but he has some really good thoughts too. I might check out his book.

PS -> 1 June  I am still trying to finish or at least continue thinking about this.  It several different little things tossed in to the same "spot" ... they are related yet unrelated ... I'm trying to organize my thoughts here.  This post is here so I can readily re-read it when I have some thinking time available.  If it doesn't make sense ... I know that ... construction site ... hard hat area ... beware of falling pieces!

Thursday, May 26, 2011

lunch time for everyone ... does she look slighty annoyed? ... this photo was taken from inside the house through a screen ... I think she looks a bit perturbed
Birds are a miracle because they prove to us there is a finer, simpler state of being which we may strive to attain. ~Doug Coupland
Oh ... and this sweet little thing.  A guy who I have flown a bit with called this morning.  He is working on his commercial certificate ... a surgeon in real life, I like that stretching towards proficiency is his flight training goal.  He's looking to point a friend towards a last flight for her aging mother ... right up my alley ... I like old people ... I'm confident that I can give her a sweet landing.  That wasn't my favorite part though ... what I like was the laugh the conversation delivered.  He said he especially liked flying with me because I am so precise about everything and so laid back at the same time.  Yep ... that's me. I carefully pack all my eggs in to the basket then I swing the basket around daring the eggs to break ... I'm willing to do poached (my favorite), scrambled, sunny side up, or omelets ... fritattas are a house specialty ... cracked eggs are no big deal!

His accurate assessment of my personality made me laugh. I appreciated the compliment, but I just laughed and said, "You're just used to training with those hotshots who are still all jacked up on testosterone ... they're stuck in watch this here shit mode (which is too much fun when someone else is paying for it ... !)."  He's airplane shopping ... then he'll be CFI shopping. 

Suddenly the rose vine is heavy with fragrant pink blooms.  The smell was the first thing I noticed when I opened the door to look outside this morning ...  stepping down from our front porch and looking up at the sky, I felt the breeze.  Ahhh ... like the beach, but pine laced with gardenias, rather than salt and sunscreen.  So begins what just could be another delightful day in the life of ... yours truly. 
The sky ... one of my favorite things to look at.  I know I'm going to hope for a really nice kitchen with room for company and cooking ... that's how we say "I really love you" in the South ... we feed tummies, counting on a direct linkage to the soul.  While I'm here daydreaming about our next house, I'd better say the bathtub is almost as important as a well equipped kitchen ... the bathtub could be a galvanized horse trough out on a deck though ... my requirements there are that it is deep enough and has a virtually unlimited flow of hot water. I am devoted to Zen and the art of the Bath ... maybe better  rethink that outdoor location,  because if I could see the stars from a hot soak tub ... well, I might just quit cooking dinner all together.  But, I was writing about the sky.  I like the window in a museum in Corpus Christi, Texas ... it is a large unadorned square that unabashedly frames a view of blue ... or an approaching storm ... or whatever flies through that particular patch of the heavens.  Mr.Turrell is genius at honoring the genius behind the complex simplicity of the sky.  A "window" like that is of utmost importance to me in my next home. And wouldn't I love it, if at night, that view was tickled by the fingers of a rotating beacon light.  At least I know what I like!  The sky here, this morning, appeared to be painted with a soaking wet sponge ... the atmosphere is laden with moisture ... there was no doubt that we will see some rain today. I don't need a TAF to tell me that ... we've got a Monet sky.

My husband is out for a few days ... shaking the money trees and moving his pet research project forward at the same time ... perfect combination for an academic.  He called early ... his day had already started while I was still stretching and thinking about coffee.  I was thinking about coffee and I was thinking about that loop dream.  You know how you occasionally see a movie or read a story where the ending is left open?  I am not a huge fan of loose ends or endings as the case may be.  Hmmm ... I hadn't seen how that metaphor pervades my modus operandi.  I may need to chill out a little ... my ponytail maybe just a tad too tight!  Anyway (not dismissively, because I will definitely look at relaxing more! Yeah ... I can see a need for that ... if I were coaching someone "like" me. Can I relax more ... remains to be seen!)
I almost have to laugh as I note what I was thinking about this morning ... in reference to the loop dream ... okay, it's my dream ... it stops with me requesting a pitcher of lemonade (when life gives you lemons, make lemonade?) at a sweet little establishment beside a wonderful airstrip where what is becoming my airplane is parked.  I am visiting there ... it's a stop ... but there is another pilot who has wandered off towards a loose end ... and ... I feel good about flying this airplane myself, but ... where is it hangered?  Not knowing where the airplane belongs is a huge loose end ... . I collected only a snippet out of the middle of this little dream story ... it's loose at both ends like a golden wrapper on my favorite hard candies (Worther's toffee).  So ... as I lay there rubbing my foot back and forth across the cotton sheet (I've always loved that, it's a  habit left over from my childhood ... comfortingly familiar) I was thinking of possible wonder endings for this dream ... as though it were a story I could write an ending for.  I want to wrap up all the loose ends!  Silly me.  I understand how silly that is, and how not going with the flow that is ... I see how "putting it in a box with a lid on it"... labled, of course, for ease of retrieval ... that is. It's so Andy of Mayberry and Gunsmoke ... so Lassie ... so black and white ...  where every thing gets wrapped up within the time allotted and we move on to the next little story within the larger story. 

As I pause here in my musings, I can clearly hear my momma's voice ... she calls out to me using all three of my names  ... serious stuff  ... close the door behind you she says.   I remember.  Not sweet memories ... . I liked visiting at my grandmother's house ... she had a screen door that shut itself with the help of a long loose spring... visitors didn't have to knock.

I gotta have a screen door like that on my next home.  And a rose vine where birds can nest.  As I sit here, drinking my coffee and relaxing (yes I do!), I can see little baby bird heads popping up ... I love that!

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Maybe it happened a few years ago ... When I broke my ankle and had to cancel my flight that day.My flights were canceled for several months after that day.   It was the first "real" broken bone ever (yes, the pigtailed short stop did lose that in-field fly to the sun one fine summer day ... She came up with two impressive shiners and a bloody nose ... later discovered to be broken ... nbd). I was impressed by the Pecos cantelope size notice posted on the broken ankle. First a cast, then the big black "boot", then an annoying Velcro brace, then a stretchy support sock-like thing ... (would you believe just writing about it has the nerves nervous?!) ... then a tender footed approach to stairs, and just about anything footwork-wise.  It took awhile to get back on the ellipitical.  I sure didn't want to be benched by another broken bone.

Around that time, my husband's mother came to visit and tried on a pair of Two's super adorable high heeled sandals. It was like seeing a whole different facet of her ... a sparkly side. She normally wears hideously practical old lady shoes ... The kind that guarantee if she falls no one will want to help her up.
 "Let's go shopping." I shocked everyone by blurting out ... Usually I'm not a blurter or a shopper ... It was a double whammy! But, anyone, everyone, woulda responded that way ... I saw a twenty-two year old girl prancing in her during those moments ... She must have slipped in through the shoes. My mother-in-law immediately declined ... Slipping out of the transforming sandals. Yep ... Suddenly ancient again ... Sensible ... she rather dourly stated that she didn't want to take a chance of breaking a bone.
Uh-oh! That sounded familiar. I had taken to wearing ... well, Justin ropers to be specific. Yeah ... They are cute with dresses. I didn't start the trend, but it rolled in at the perfect time. I got busy working back up to super adorable high heel sandals ... And pumps. I really like snazzy shoes. Boring old lady shoes are obviously much worse then the possibility of a broken bone.

Thought I had the broken bone fear totally mended. Until today.

Today I aired up both tires on someone's last summer's bike ... Precisely 65psi in both ... and I went for a spin with V. It's hilly here. If I don't tap the brakes I might be able to transfer the acquired downhill speed to a bit of up hill ease (okay, I decided to stay away from an over the hill pun). I was laughing out loud while my ponytail whipped around. I was thinking ... "All this bike needs now is a little horn" ... Look out ... Mom whizzing by! Then I thought of something else. I thought of broken bones.

The possible downsides aren't going to win this time though.  The bike ride felt just a little bit like alive ... just a little shimmer of alive, but a place to start.   ... So worth it ... little tinymanageable  risk ... Lotsa air ... It's summertime! I'm gonna see if I can reach right up and touch the sky these next few months.

And when I'm not goofing off with V, I'm going to be working some cute shoes.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

You know ... I think I'm seeing some whiny here at True North. The real truth is ... I am incredibly blessed with an awesome life ... or maybe I should say the opportunity to live an awesome life. While resources aren't unlimitied, I have, in fact, the luxury of some free time and all sorts of personal resourcefulness that can be deployed ... . I'm going to start thinking through this list (elsewhere).

If you haven't got a clue what to do, and haven't got a "bucket list", here are 50 things you can mull around and meditate upon.

Source: Thea Westra, Senior Thought Leader, Forward Steps

Set aside some time read them over. And then, start working through them giving them each a lot of thought. Good luck!

1. What would you love to do or accomplish before you die?
2. If you were to begin to achieve that/these, what is the first change you would start to make?
3. What would you need to include MORE of in your life?
4. What would you need to have LESS of in your life?
5. Rewrite your goal(s) so it is 'moving towards' something, rather than 'moving away' from something?
6. What is YOUR personal definition of success?
7. If you had to guess your life purpose, what would it be?
8. What daily habits could you replace with a better daily habit? List them.
9. What would a massive action 'look like' for you?
10. What action would you take, if you knew you could not possibly fail?
11. What has worked for you when accomplishing past personal goals?
12. What can you see about any past setbacks, which may actually benefit you?
13. What are you tolerating or putting up with?
14. What will you do to completely erase petty things that are bothering you?
15. For what will you take 100% responsibility from now?
16. If you were your own coach, what coaching would you give yourself right now?
17. Who and what are you listening to most of the time? How will you change that, if it needs changing?
18. What do you keep saying to yourself that usually hinders your progress?
19. What could you now keep saying to yourself to empower you?
20. What could you get done this week that you know needs doing?
21. For that task, what is the first step and the next step?
22. What could you put in your environment to remind you of your promises to yourself?
23. What could you include in each day to create and hold your vision for your future?
24. What have you 100% decided to achieve or commit to?
25. What ways do you benefit by NOT deliberately moving toward what you want?
26. What activities and new habits will you deposit into your future, this month?
27. On a scale of 1 to 10, how excited to you feel about taking these actions?
28. What could increase that score?
29. What are your highest aspirations for this year?
30. What are the greatest lessons you have learned in life?
31. What is life asking you to do differently?
32. What are you now willing to do that you've been unwilling to undertake?
33. What non-negotiable decision are you willing to make for your life and stick to?
34. What in your life needs immediate attention?
35. What strategies could you use to better manage your daily priorities?
36. What is perfect about where you are in your life right now?
37. Describe in detail the feelings you'll have once all your goals are achieved?
38. Which books could you read, people could you call, and places could you visit that support your goals?
39. In what way are you a better person this year than last year? What will be your answer, next year?
40. Where will you fine-tune your use of time in the next 24-hours?
41. Is there anything you are ignoring to which you should be paying attention? Be honest!
42. What are you most excited about now? What are you looking forward to?
43. What ways will you will get more energy into your life?
44. What newly created, personal standard(s) will you abide by ...come hail, rain or sunshine?
45. What are your greatest strengths and how will you leverage them?
46. What would you most like to be acknowledged for so far in your life?
47. What do you need to give yourself so that you can share more with others?
48. What new belief could you take on to speed up your personal decision-making processes?
49. What do you already know for certain? Is that the truth

Monday, May 23, 2011

it feels great to want to create a little water color and prisma pencil thing ...

All along here at True North I've been talking about

protect, trust, hope, persevere ... love

... and I have been especially attentive to "trust" ... because trust is difficult ... as up we grow, down we forget ... the Bible encourages me to walk towards God with the innocence of a child ... trusting. But, probably like everyone else on the planet, life has taught me not to trust.

I am a little afraid to say it out loud (because I know it'll be put to the test ... there is always a test at the pause of each lesson, including life lessons ... I guess that's the only way to demonstrate to one's heart and soul that the lesson has been learned and now it is okay to move forward in to the deeper waters in that river we call life)... I do that all the time, start a sentence then enhance the incomplete thought in parentheses ... let's try again. I am afraid to say I feel pretty good about trust. I thought it was a huge word ... and it is, but it's also little words. I trust you with my soul ... huge. I trust you with my camera ... little. I trust you not to lie to me ... huge. I trust you not to lie to me about that ... tiny. Trust. One size does not fit all.

So ... that's great, really. And I am sure there is more work to be done there, but ... I've come a long ways there. Yesterday, I realised that I've sorta given up hope on several fronts in my life. In my other journal ... because a journal is pretty much what True North is ... I wrote that old isn't about your body aging, it's about losing hope. That's what I think. Now, I am at a time, in my life,when many of my acquaintances are shifting gears towards retirement ... early retirement was the big yuppie dream when I came of age in the avaricious 80's. The idea was "who ever has the most toys wins ... mark, set, go!" I don't understand how it might feel to wake up in the morning and just do that day. I have organized my life with ... the plan ... pursuit of accomplishing a goal ... maybe several concurrent goals ... running through ringing as many shiny bells as possible (just good goals ... no trampling the less able ... maybe lending a hand as one sees fit ... no gloating from the top tier ... you know, achieve, but as a good citizen, grateful for the head start that life dealt me/you). That notion is what makes waiting pretty strenuous ... as I wait on this, what should I be doing about that? Even if it's just enjoying ... I want real cream in my coffee? That's gonna cost me an hours worth of cardio ... not yesterday's walk, today's walk. I call it self discipline. Well, I am rambling away from what I wanted to note today.


Hope doesn't seem like that big a deal. Maybe I just don't quite get it. I mean, in that string of words ... protect,trust,hope, ... doesn't hope seem to stand away from the others? The other words seem to have actions that I can see wrapped around them. I see a protect clearly ... something stronger, more able, protects something vulnerable. Trust ... a handshake or a hand clasp as one binds themselves to another in support of a common good ... that's just a tiny illustration of trust, I know ... but again, like protect, I can see an image there of what trust might look like. Persevere ... too easy to see ... one is either in the game, or on the bench/sidelines. Persevere, you're either in or you're out ... breaks are okay as long as they are about resetting to hit it again! ... it's an attitude. Love ... well, love is accompanied by actions ... we all know what love looks like ... hmmm ... that may be too encompassing, because I sure have seen hateful acts labeled "love" ... and it's also true that love is expressed in personalized ways ... love is active though. I can see love even if I am unable to interpret all loving acts as love. Hope though ... well what does hope look like? Hope seems to be an expectation, rather then an activity. I hope my child will catch the bus to school today. He waits at the appropriate place, at the appropriate time, hoping that the bus will arrive. I blow him a kiss and wave goodbye, hoping that the bus ride goes as expected ... as hoped for. Hope is a little fuzzy for me as words go ... hope is a bit esoteric for me.
I've been hoping to win the lottery. I can't hope any harder to win the lottery then I already do ... it would leapfrog me to a huge pile of toys ... I would like that quite a bit I think ... so far, hope hasn't panned out there ... now I very seldom put a dollar bill out there in support of that particular hope. The Bible expresses hope as the hope of my/yours/our salvation ... as faith's little sister sorta. Hope has been under-rated by me ... practically unattended to until just recently.
Now I am seeing faith and hope sort of like a slinky ... that toy that is a coil of wire that cartwheels over itself
----------------------... on it's way to love.

Now the three of these remain ... faith, hope, love.
Hope is a step of faith ... faith is a demonstration of hope ...

as I journey towards the realization of God's love for me. Is that it?
I'm thinking about it. I'm thinking about it within the context that we are all in this together ... it's an individuals journey, but we have buddies we walk along side of as we journey.

Those dreams I had back in July last year ... those dreams have informed me. On a personal level, those dreams have illustrated that not only do I have buddies along the way ... buddies whom I may help, buddies who offer to help me ... but also that God has the big picture view ... and that He is the go to guy as far as offering real help along the journey. It's too personal to share in a wide open way like a blog, but ... well, what the Bible says about God caring for us ... I doubted it. It was hard for me to believe it, because I can't see Him. I don't doubt that there is a creator ... I am willing to believe (most of ... not that I don't want to believe all ...just a bit unable) the Word of God ... grateful for the footholds in life where I feel Him nearer ... but ... well ... wouldn't it be nice if he showed up with some skin on so I could see him occasionally?

I still haven't seen Him ... pretty sure that would scare me to death anyway ... but I have seen where He's been. I asked Him to show up and do His best work ... because I was in a place where I had nothing left to work with of my own. It was like when I first started learning to land an airplane ... I didn't know how to ... at all. Landing had to be the flight instructor's job. Trusting him was pretty easy, because that was all I had to work with towards getting the plane safely on the ground ... my life was counting on him to land well ... then I got to where I could land the plane and I stopped trusting him for that and ... started trusting myself. (Truth is, I actually started critiquing his landings ... lol ... audacious? ... come on you do it too!) Trust isn't as simple as one might wish when there is any level of competency. All this stuff is pretty interwoven and I bet God spends at least as much time laughing as He does crying as he watches our stories unfold.

Well ... I have realized that hope is ... maybe ... more important then I'd realized. I have given up hope in some important areas of my life ... my hope is waning in some other areas. Hopeless ... the very life seeps out and hopeless is what's found at the bottom. Then what? Seems like the only thing left is what God might want to do ... finally.

I think He's a pretty good pilot. (smile) I think He knows the destination ... the mission ... the challenges to be answered along the way ... I think He's up for it. I don't even have to hope He shows up ... I'm starting to see that He's been waiting for me.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

The difference between great people and everyone else is that great people create their lives actively, while everyone else is created by their lives, passively waiting to see where life takes them next.  The difference between the two is the difference between living fully and just existing.  -Michael Gerber  (E-Myth)

I think this is an accurate statement ... perhaps stated more emphatically then I "own" ... I think this attitude is part of the bigger picture. This is why I don't wait well ... I can see the value in "wait" (As in wait upon the Lord), but wait is not my default mode. Wait is a choice and I have recently learned that it is not necessarily a passive choice.  Wait upon the Lord makes perfect sense to me ... wait on who knows what to  ... what? rescue you? ... tell you what to do? ... dwindle your options down to one or two?  I have gotten myself in to a little life lesson in an airplane because I didn't think about waiting ... but I always remember that now ... wait can be a good choice when you know what you are waiting on, and how long you can wait (until wait is not longer viable).  Seems like you'd definitely want to be making some plans ... while you wait. That's how I am.

In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps. Proverbs 16:9

Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails. Proverbs 19:21

Proverbs is pretty much loaded with this idea ... make your plans,but the Lord ... .  This seems to me to be a call to engage.  Religion sometimes makes this idea hard ... from my prospective.  But, it's really pretty simple.  I see it as a raft ride ... I love rafting.  I love dragging White Russians in the cold stream ... for later ... those are for days when you just want a leisurely float.  And then there are other days when the roar of the water calls out and you squint your eyes and laugh out loud wondering if you'll ever have to really grow up.  Maybe you chose your day in advance ... way before you put in. Sometimes, it seems like you are presented with a choice (either in the planning stage or if you are not a planner ... on the fly, so to speak) and later find that either route empties into the same pool  ... downstream.  I can start at many different points, there are many different experiences offered ... everything from Texas Gourmet (Uhhuh ...  ) rafting all the way down to a  little pink blow up floaty ... the  Rio Grande emptys it's muddy flow in to the Gulf of Mexico ... I've seen it from a fishing boat off South Padre Island.  I would like to raft the Big Bend area.  I think that is how it is with God. We chose the route, He already sees the destination.  I love that expression Vaya Con Dios for this very reason ... Go with God ... always a good plan.

I have been busy while I wait. And there have been a few days when I didn't wait well ... . I am starting to hope that I have heard the songs that this downtime has sung in to my soul. 

Saturday, May 21, 2011



In a word ... WOW!

Chosen as the go to movie earlier in the week ... when Friday arrived and I found out that Pirates was showing on several screens, I didn't want to waste time on dumb ole Thor. Husband couldn't/wouldn't shift gears ... I hopped in the car wearing a baseball cap and a bit of a scowl for date night.

It'll probably be official by the end of the summer; I may be a Marvel nerd. Shot in New Mexico and spiffed up with spectacular special effects the other world scenes are very credibly other world. Thor is acted by some kid who is a ringer for the young Brad Pitt (the first time I saw him in Thelma and Louise) ... Hot. Smoldering Hot. The female lead answered by the quirky/gorgeous Natalie Portman ... Luke and Leia's momma ... . And they were perfect in their roles. The story was so good (really? Comic books? I have so been missing out!)... The weather so bad ... The tempo so pleasing ... . Okay. Big pleasant surprise.

And if you sit through the credits, there's a trailer for the Avengers.

Friday, May 20, 2011

"Though we travel the world to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us, or we find it not."  ~R.W. Emerson

I can see her now
sitting in her nest
her nest sitting in a vine
of roses and thorns
she cares so tenderly ... precious.
I wish you could see her
she is magnificent
... not less so when she nurtures
so instinctively
then when she flies
so effortlessly ... truly precious.
~ atrium at ATL
“Then give it six more. Just keep throwin’ six months at it till it goes away. Stuff like this takes time.”

... “listen to me. Someday you’re gonna look back on this moment of your life as such a sweet time of grieving. You’ll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but your life was changing and you were in the best possible place in the world for it – in a beautiful place of worship, surrounded by grace. Take this time, every minute of it. Let things work themselves out here ..."

One thing I know about for sure is the words people will wrap around loss ... when people are at a loss for words, words still seem to leak out.  People say words that seem to rest as though in a little nest in your psyche until later ... when you are less stunned by your loss ... those words take flight, and you wonder where they came from ... unbidden.  Honestly, but not unkindly, it really is best to say nothing when you don't know what to say.  Words ... are meaningful. I am amazed at our capacity to store words ... and I am amazed at how those words can dance in the sunshine like little acrobatic fliers and then hanger themselves for when you're hungry for the sight of them again.  If you say words ... make them good words ... goodbye words should always be good (lol).

The words that I put in italics above ... lifted from Eat, Pray, Love are ... I think good words.  Good advice on how to deal with a loss. 

It's hard to accept a loss ... not because you won't, but because you just can't quite ... Our soul was designed for eternal mode ... this temporal stuff is a bit of a shock to the soul, I think.  Loss happens when you begin to accept that something important ... that you think/feel is important ... maybe a place where your very soul is exposed ... is gone, or has changed in to something else ... or just gone really, it's just hard to say the words. Time dulls the pain of loss ... and the soul has another point at which it may choose to grow ... a place where something is lost, and something is gained.

The Red Sea book I thumbed through a few days ago pretty much makes the same point ... you're ok where you're at ... yeah something that makes you feel bad is about, but focus on the potential for a bigger picture, you're not alone... God is near with light and love ... pray, be still, give God time to work ... don't get bogged down ... let the presence of God envelope you, shelter you ... Trust/Faith, now's the time to exercise those (and they will increase through this very experience ... which is the part that totally rocks ... okay, and kinda sucks too, because you're going to need more for the next "building" experience ... which is kinda cool, because ... hahaha ... I did say I wanted to live large ... what a ride ... I asked for this ...) and then ... live a life that praises the creator.  Yeah ... I think that is truly the bottom line. 

My Dad died around Spring Break during my junior year of college.   After the funeral, I went back to school  and just didn't think about it ... at all.  I couldn't process his death ... he couldn't possibly be ... not there ... somewhere.  I was already saturated by one loss after another ... this one was ... too much.  I told myself that I could just not think about it for a few months ... get through the semester ... make arrangements for the  summer ... no need to go home ... and I didn't  go home again.  Momma sold our home.  When I visited her at Christmas that year, she had already relocated and there was nothing (really nothing) familiar in her new place.  At twenty something, I didn't know that you actually never lose someone who you let become important to you ... so be careful of who they are ... (but not too 'fraidycat careful ... the people you love are all part and participant of the building and polishing of your soul). 

So, if that's true, loss is not lost, but just different ... changed.  A change of state.  Now I'm thinking about weather ... summer storms and how difficult they are to negotiate ... compellingly beautiful yet dangerous ... and necessary for the benefits that fall with each tiny little drop of rain.

I'm thinking about what is probably the natural progression of relationships ... They change. Like just about everything. Even this long term relationship I've enjoyed with "flight" ... I fell in love with it thinking it was one thing and that I would put "this" in to it and get "something like this" out of it. I was incorrect. It took a lot more and gave immeasurably more ... I probably wouldn't have taken the first flight if I understood the costs involved ... There is absolutely no way to quantify the joy ... .
It's not what I thought it would be ... I am coming to grips with that. I am grieving a loss of hope. I did everything I was supposed to do, and I did those things with my whole heart ... Totally committed ... Totally "all in". Along the way, I became aware that "it" wasn't what I thought I had signed on for ... but ... super important things in life are usually too big for one to see the whole picture. You adapt as the story you are co-authoring unfolds. Yeah ... I'm not really thinking about flying at all. I'm thinking about choices ... complex, complicated by all the variables and unknowns.

Well ... that's what'sup here.   Sammy is up on his hind legs peering in at me ... he doesn't think much of this blog time. I better walk him before the sun gets too high ... he may need a little SPF sprayed on as it is.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Ironning shirts and working in the flower bed along the drive way ... Both encourage flipping through random thoughts like albums on my iPod app ... Gotta find just the right one ... It will support a "mood". Honestly, I'm not a moody person ... I'm kinda a what you see is what you get kinda person ... All my wrinkles are smile lines. Until lately ... lately I am just a tad moody. I have an eye on myself ... Sometimes I think I should stop writing this blog ... Or maybe just do the aviation ground type notes ... . The introspection is ... Well, it's rattled my cage.
I'm a big believer in personal choice. I actually think it's the foundational premise for life. We make choices. Our choices make choices. We collaborate and compromise on joint choices ... We try to make wise choices ... . Choices. Seems like there are a lot of them made every day. I have believed that one can choose happy ... That by sheer force of character one might choose happy like one might choose to not swear when strung, freaking repeatedly, by a bee. You know what? I have been choosing happy. It's the destination of choice and I've consistently navigated towards it with a smile on my face ... Maybe not the kind that crinkles my nose and twinkles my eyes, but ... Well the lines bear witness. I just want to say here ... For posterity ... I think I might have made a serious misjudgment with this "choice". The people who I share my life with frequently say, "I am not happy.". They say that because I have taught them that their happiness is priority one.
This morning my day began with wake up and make me happy
... And I said ... "No".
See, what I have realized ... (and I will acknowledge it's me ... I
tend to willfully disregard what is unpleasant to see ... ) is ... I can not possibly cajole, coddle, coerce ... anybody else towards choosing "happy" or anything else. We all make our own choices. I know that. This probably all sounds rather bluesy, but today I've been thinking about those ten best days that I started trying to identify late last year. The recent day when I felt infused with ... joy ... radiant with the freedom, however brief, to enjoy just being alive ... that day would seem to be a contender for a best day. But I think it just lite the fuse on a best day ... Today. Today, when I chose to stop trying to make everyone else happy.
Someone said ... "Well then just do what you want ... You always do". Yesterday that would have sucked me in ... Uh oh ... One if my someones is not happy! ... . Today for the very first time ever I responded differently ... I said, "That is not true (and I'm not going to be manipulated). Petulance is thick in the air. This was an unpleasant day ... The evening isn't looking very promising ... . So freakin' what. I've got bee stings to tend to.
Luce Irigaray: "Becoming means achieving the fullness of all that one could be. This process is obviously open-ended."

"Live carefully, with your eyes open, and try not to cause pain." Krzysztof Kieslowski was an influential Oscar-nominated Polish film director and screenwriter

Grace ~lyrics by Bono

She takes the blame
She covers the shame
Removes the stain
It could be her name

It's a name for a girl
It's also a thought that changed the world
And when she walks on the street
You can hear the strings
Grace finds goodness in everything

Grace, she's got the walk
Not on a ramp or on chalk
She's got the time to talk
She travels outside of karma
She travels outside of karma
When she goes to work
You can hear her strings
Grace finds beauty in everything

Grace, she carries a world on her hips
No champagne flute for her lips
No twirls or skips between her fingertips
She carries a pearl in perfect condition

What once was hurt
What once was friction
What left a mark
No longer stings
Because grace makes beauty
Out of ugly things
Grace makes beauty out of ugly things


Fuel line ... that silver metalic background has nothing to do with the wing.  It's insulation inside the hanger  behind the shelf that this wing section was resting on.

 thought the engine was impressive ... didn't hear it running but ... it's a lot of uumph for the airframe

glossy ... sleek ... sexy

composite prop felt strange to me ... sounded strange, I like them to "ring"
basic round instruments ... upgrades to full glass  ... stick positioned in floor

I am not a big fan of the light sport aircraft ... in general.  I don't like the idea of airplanes being piloted by people who don't want to get at very least a private certificate. Yeah, if some high hour pilot loses his/her medical and still wants to putz around, I totally get that ... totally support that. But this market appeals to people looking for a short cut into the air which seems to frequently result in a shortenned life span ... not on my dime ... that's my take on it.
The engine in this thing is ... beautiful.  This is a fast little bird.
Those two mechanics who so graciously showed us around the field, built several of these and I sure enjoyed hearing all about the construction.  That fuel line picture was taken with this story in mind:  Somehow, the line was crimped ... that was a pre- assembly rut-ro for these guys ... in other words a hidden "glitch". Once everything was bolted together, one of these guys intended to fly it to the buyer ... if I have the story straight. At some point in the flight (He said he was at 5500MSL) he starts noticing a problem and observes that the wing is imploding (my word) ... it looks like a smashed coke can.  He said he could see rivets popping.  Okay ... so it must have been pretty intense watching your wing wad up, but he is able to spiral down in to an alls well that ends well landing.  I really shoulda taken a picture of the crumpled up wing, but I didn't.  The bend in the fuel line somehow caused the wing to be sucked in as the fuel was depleted ... there was some disagreement about whether or not the vent was operating properly ... you know how old guys bicker about details.  The pilot said the owner wanted his other plane delivered (my head is still shaking a no-way there)... before they even knew what caused this mess.  I'm not telling the story as well as they did ... obviously ... but ... well, I know I would be willing to fly one of these ... no doubt there, but ... .

Cessna 170B

This photo simply does not do this magnificent airplane justice.

One of my buds invited me go along on an airplane shopping expedition. Well, we arrive at the airport where the plane is and go inside the FBO to let them know why we're there and what we want to do ... the kid at the desk says that plane isn't here ... it's at a field about 30 miles from here. I think to myself the kid doesn't have a clue ... an airplane owner flat out isn't going to direct a potential buyer to the wrong airport ... the kid insists though. I step away ... thinking, this isn't my gig, and I don't have to work this out. I see a couple of older guys lounging around, drinking coffee and ease-dropping like everyone in little FBOs tends to do. Perfect. I walk over and strike up a conversation, which eventually leads to me telling them my buddy is here to buy a plane ... buy sounds so much better then look at doesn't it? Turns out ... they are APs (Navy and both pilots to boot)... and they totally know where that airplane is tied down ... and they totally know the down low on every airplane that might be for sell on the field ... and they are willing to provide the grand tour.
We started with the C170B. As soon as the hanger door was opened I knew I was seeing something very very special. 1956 ... single owner (Retired airline pilot ... recently deceased) mostly vintage with some smart upgrades (no vacuum system see venturi intakes near engine in the paint stripe) ... it was so pretty ... so well loved, is really the only way to describe it properly ... The widow is not a pilot. I said "Letting go of this beauty will be like losing him all over again ... heart-breaking  ...but a plane like this deserves to be flown."

rural Alabama

Wednesday, May 18, 2011


Counterfeit God ... Keller (I think)

Second look at "soulmate". I think maybe yes.

This morning at 4ish I was thinking a little about the idea of soulmate. Maybe, as it's defined in a previous post ... maybe I do sort of get it. My two really close girlfriends will call just when I am thinking of them ... great moments sometimes ... other times when I am down and troubled ... strangely enough,sometimes one or the other will call just when I am getting ready to do something stupid ... their presence has saved my skittles a few times! They both lend a helping hand with carrying my joys, my sorrows, and everything in between. I've met a maybe a couple of other people with whom some sort of bond is either quickly forged or a strong affinity immediately asserts.

Soul mate ... as the British or Australians use the word mate... I can go with soul mate in that context. It's the idea of a mated pair that can't function properly as stand alones that troubles me ... Like a pair of shoes ... or gloves ... incomplete unless mated. (fiddle diddle dumpling my son John went to school with one shoe on ... some old thing my Dad would say when he came upon a shoe that had wandered away from it's mate ... weird how those things pop into one's head ... thanks Dad ... for the contribution to my soul mate meanderings ...)

"Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some people move our souls to dance. They awaken us to a new understanding with the passing whisper of their wisdom. Some people make the sky more beautiful to gaze upon. They stay in our lives for awhile, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same."
— Flavia Weedn

That is a precious sentiment and I appreciate the truth of the idea very much. I wish I were more able to accept the gift of people coming and going in my life. I am certainly comfortable with offering a small bit of myself to people  who I know are passing through ... maybe it's the idea of longterm relationships ... the idea that you'll always be friends with someone that messes with me.  I'm  committed when I agree to always! Always is one of those words ... .   What I'm saying is I enjoying offering a bit of myself to those around me ... it would be enriching to accept a bit from others. I have been too guarded in many ways ... and probably not guarded enough in others ... . And maybe too rigid with not just letting the footprints lead in to and out of my heart ... . I'm going to have to think about this idea some. The other day I noted a quote from Liz Gilbert about letting go of relationships that are ... completed. How are you supposed to know when a relationship is completed? I guess I am not great at valuing the truth that superficial relationships may be very valuable! ... not always though ... hmmm. I'm going to think about this off grid somewhere. Live and learn ... that's the plan. 

I'm going look at those important relationships in my life and do some serious thinking here. I think I may find a bit of dysfunction! H is encouraging me to get a book titled ... hmmm ... what was that title? I have forgotten now ... it's a book about how we tend to try to put other things and/or other people into that hole in our heart that only God can fill. Sure we do ... all kinds of things ... band-aids ... distractions, and not necessarily "bad" things ... .

Well ... for today ... a friend is thinking of buying an airplane that is based over near ALT ... I'm invited to go see, and that's what I'm mainly up to today. That and cleaning up the back yard!
I have been clipping my big dog ... last night there was a big black garden bag full of dog fur on top of a table on the back porch ... the draw strings were secured. This morning ... white dog fur is scattered  a  l  l  over the back yard, and that black bag is in ribbons. Sammybadboy had his way with that last night and this morning it looks like we have 101 little pups scattered here and there ... you wouldn't believe the mess! He was lying on a pile of it this morning and it looked like a whole 'nother big dog was snuggled up with him! Big dogs can make some incredibly big messes!

The bird nest condos in my rosevine are such a pleasure to see ... I think we have a new batch of eggs in one of them. 
I'm sleeping a bit better ... Made it to almost 4:00 today before I couldn't get back to sleep ... I like the dimming feature on this screen ... This technology right at the fingertips ... Never ceases to amaze!

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

moon behind dawn-washed clouds

Between two worlds life hovers like a star, twixt night and morn, upon the horizon's verge. ~Lord Byron

 ... found today on a note card ... I still like it.

The Red Sea Rules ~ Robert J Morgan

During bookshelf tidying this book "floated" up to the surface.  It came to me in April '08, so says a note I made inside the front cover.

Briefly ... because I want to take a housework break and look at this, here are the rules:

1. Realise that God means for you to be where you are. (uh...bummer)
2. Be more concerned for God's glory then your relief.
3. Acknowledge your enemy, but keep your eyes on the Lord.
4. Pray
5. Stay calm and confident, and give God time to work.
6. When unsure, take the next logical step by faith.
7. Envision God's enveloping presence.
8. Trust God to deliver in His own unique way.
9. View your current crisis as a faith builder for the future.
10. Don't forget to praise Him.

Wonder why faith in God is so important ... I mean, my faith doesn't empower him in any way.  Doesn't He just do what He wants to anyway? May want to think about that some ... .

Some quotes from this book ...

The Lord will make a way for you where no foot has been before.
That which, like the sea, threatens to drown you, shall be a highway for your escape.
~Charles Spurgeon

You made a way through the sea and paths through the deep waters, but your footprints were not seen.
Ps. 77:19

"He knows the way He taketh," even if for a moment we do not. ~J.I. Packer

The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord,
And He delights in his way.
Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down;
For the Lord upholds him.  Ps. 37:23-24

He has promised never to leave you or forsake you, never to forget, never to abandon.  His love never ceases, and His care never dims.  ~ Morgan (the author)

Our natural instinct is to ask:
How did I get into this mess and how can I get out?
How quickly can I solve this problem?
Why did this have to happen to me?
These are natural questions, but they may be the wrong ones to ask. ... The next time you are overwhelmed, instead of asking, "How can I get out of this mess?" try asking, "How can God be glorified in this situation?"  One's perspective is entirely changed by the spiritual realities behind that approach.  ~Morgan

The great tyrant has not forgotten you, and he designs your capture and re-enslavement.
~Charles Spurgeon
(This statement reminds me of an excellent very short book by C.S.Lewis ... Screwtape Letters)

Resist the devil and he will flee from you.  Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.
James 4: 7-8

Every time we resist the slightest temptation, we honor God. ~Morgan

Oh!  I haven't seen this wonderful quote ... I guess since '08, but I paraphrased it in the margin of another of my books ... I like it.
"Faith is to pray, what the feather is to the arrow; it feathers the arrow of prayer, and makes it fly swifter, and pierce the throne of grace." ~ Thomas Watson

In times of great difficulty and great expectation, it is our wisdom to keep our spirits calm, quiet, and sedate; for then we are in the best frame both to do our own work, and the work of God.
~Matthew Henry

I have found that if we go as far as we can,
God often opens up the rest of the way. ~Isobel Kuhn

Our main business is not to see what lies dimly at a distance, but to see what lies clearly at hand.
~ Sir William Osler

I look before me and you're there,
     then up ahead and you're there too -
     your reassuring presence coming and going.
This is too much, too wonderful-
     I can't take it all in!
Ps. 139:5-6 The Message

I will never leave you or forsake you.  ~Heb 13:5

The Lord knows how to deliver the godly out of temptations.  ~2 Peter 2:9

God marks across some of our days, "Will explain later."  ~ Vance Havner

Jesus answered and said to him, "What I am doing you do not understand now, but you will know after this." ~ John 13:7

Wash your face every morning in a bath of praise.  ~ Charles Spurgeon

Good little book ... 
So ... faith ... what's that verse?  Something like: Faith is the evidence of things not seen, yet believed.  ...better go find it so I don't botch it ... might be important!  Oops ... not quite!

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. ~Hebrew 11:1

Faith allows me to believe God ... first that there is a God, then on to a relationship from there.  This is interesting to think about. Faith pilots me into a relationship with the "unseen" ... hmmm.  So ... lunch time is over, but at least I have something interesting to think about while I  swab the decks!

Oh!  Too funny, I really do need to note this here while I remember.  In recent posts, I've been thinking about us as ... houses under construction.  So, I really am back to house work and I openned the front door of my home to sweep out the foyer and front porch ... it seems like tiny bits of dirt just walk in on their own!  I picked up the mat and started shaking it out ... well, I shoulda said it is a beautiful sunny day here.  This morning when I carried out the trash I noticed a light wind from the NE on the ground, but the clouds were moving due South ... moved briskly by a wind from the N ... super pleasant day after yesterday's storminess.  Okay ... so I was wondering "Where's the wind coming from now?", like I always do ... no movement on the rose bush ... not a ripple to be seen anywhere.  So now, I am shaking the mat and ... clouds of powdery dust start flying out of it (and float quite nicely due South).  The dirt blowing away evidenced the wind. It shook out from the mat and then was blown perpendicular.  I could see the unseen because it was carrying the dirt away ... !

Wow ... welcome to my house ... sorry about the dirty rug ... I just didn't realize!

Spent the day in Atlanta yesterday. Would you believe there is absolutely not a good place to sit and watch airplanes come and go near the field? I know I'm not the only person who loves to watch the big airplanes! Visitors can't sit near the glass in the terminals anymore ... you have to have a boarding pass ... you have to have real business to get close to the view I like. They do fly right over the ribbons of roadways that wrap around the runways ... I feel like I could touch them if I had my jeep top down. I might accidentally get a shot that rocks if I point and shoot, more likely just an accident somewhere in those seconds of inattention to the five lane mayhem. Yesterday, it was drizzling. That is the worse kind of precip for asphalt because it just sits there with the already oily pavement creating a real hazardous condition, but drivers don't really slow down, because visibility is still pretty good. I left my camera in my bag and the top up ... I was wondering why jeep doesn't offer a five point harness rather then that dainty little seat belt. I was imagining my car flipping several times, becoming a convertible in the process ... doubting the cross strap would offer much protection in the big city rush.
We are starting to think about where we would like to live when my husband's work releases him to that choice. I am just slightly ambivalent about making a major move. I know what to expect here ... we know this community, we have lived here for twenty years. It is home to our children. The social fabric is a lot different then how I experienced Texas ... where my husband and I are both from. As I said in a previous post, the people here base their friendships more on social/business networking ... and because it is largely an academic community, it's fairly transitory. Living here, for me sort of compares to what I think it would be like to live on a movie set: It looks really good, and the people know exactly how to act, but all the shelters are really just store fronts ... props ... and the people live their real lives huddled together, out in the open, trying to remember their lines. The black community provides the real soul of the South. Neighborhoods are still segregated, and I intentionally walk my dog out of "our" neighborhood so that we may walk through the "black" neighborhood along the way. That is the best part of the walk ... old people sit out on front porches and will nod and wave if I say good morning first ... now they know us ... now this white haired man will call out ... "Sho is a big dog you got there ..." (He says that every time ... and I answer, "Yes sir ... he's a big one, but a sweetie!") ... or a couple of grandmothers ... probably great grandmothers ... who sit and watch a couple of toddlers splashing in a small wading pool in a beautifully tended front yard ... everyday something new is blooming, and I can't wait to see the summer months unfurl in that bed near the hot street ... last year it was a riot of colorful zinnias ... sometimes we are invited to stop while the babies shyly touch my Sammyboy ... the children stoke his long fur with one little finger, the way I touch a feather. My neighborhood is beautiful ... an older neighborhood with mature azaleas, magnolia trees that scent the air with lemony freshness, and a canopy of pines blocking the sun, proving a highly prized bit of shade and perches for song birds. Nobody sits on their front porches in my neighborhood ... we have a "neighborhood watch" sign discreetly posted at each of the three entrances, but apparently, all the "watching" takes place from behind half drawn drapes. The voice of the old South has become a murmur in the twenty years we have lived here ... at least that is true from my limited perspective. Children now sit side by side in classrooms and bust out on to the playgrounds for recess together ... the elementary school that each of my children attended is not more then a quarter mile walk on a path through the woods (and over that creek that I enjoy so much) ... I can hear the school bell followed by gleeful shouts off and on all day long. The parents of  all of those children would not have been educated together  ... that the kids are on the same sports teams is still a bit of a big deal. My son, who is probably goofing off right this minute at what is definitely his last day of twelfth grade, has been playing ball with pretty much the same kids since kindergarten. I remember when my next door neighbor came over and whispered to me that "that type child" wasn't to be welcomed in to our neighborhood. Wow ... kids out in the front yard playing ... she had a fence built ... and I assured her that only my child would venture over after stray balls. So ... a lot has changed here in the short time we've been here, but there is something about not being from here that has kept this from really being home. I used to do a lot of volunteer work ... community and school activities ... but in the past few years I have scaled way back as I thought how I would like to transition to the next time and place of my life. The ability to work as a CFI seemed to be a very viable route to a community that I know will feel like home no matter where it is located geographically. We'll see how that plan pans out ... today I am not worried about it. Today, I'm not worried about a thing.   Today I am wondering how well my rosevine will hold up to the Texas sun.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

"Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable." C.S.Lewis

... of your selfishness ... If I were not familiar with C.S. Lewis' lifestory, I would dismiss this quote out of hand because of  this one little phrase.
... I think it's equally likely in life that we avoid entanglements as we choose to be unselfish.
In the South it is common to hear someone actually say they will "cultivate" a friendship because that person may be influential at a later date. As in, I cultivate a friendship with you because you have horses and I like to ride. Or ... I will become friendly with them because their tailgate parties rock! ... Or they'll help me reach my objectives, whatever they are.
It seems to me that we may choose to wrap our hearts up for reasons other then selfishness.
Here's is a just an example:
What if I have a child who continually abuses our relationship ... selfishly squeezing what they want from me because our hearts are bound together ... and what if my heart breaks during that process? Don't I then have to wrap that little heart up just to be able to function in that unbreakable relationship? ... None of my children have "broken" my heart, but they could if anyone could ... My heart is at their disposal, because I embrace them in my heart ...
That's what happens when one loves. I think there are many opportunies in life where it's less selfish ... more responsible ... to avoid entanglements ... and sometimes those choices may grieve your heart.
Yeah ... Really.
I can think of a ton of senarios where keeping ones heart and love out of it would be best for all concerned. I've been attempting to live my life as though acting most loving is always the guide to right behavior.
One of the things I really love about flying ... and what it informs me is:  when there is a problem, it takes some thinking to "fix" it. Yeah ... Hopefully there is time to think, and hopefully I've done a lot of my thinking about how things are optimally supposed to go ... In other words, I understand,  let's say the systems for example, that indicator annunciates and I know what, some why's, a handful of when's, and some more what's. The airplane doesn't care if I love to fly. The airplane ... if it weren't an inanimate object, would really be hoping that I love to think.
What I'm saying goes to that think/feel deal that I am thinking ... And feeling (lol) about. Sometimes the most loving actions arise from reconciling the two processes. Are they separate processes? I don't think so ... I think they may be best when interwoven.  I think I would do well to "feel" just slightly less and "think" just slightly more.

It's good to finally putting two and two together on that loop dream ... as I re-read it, it provides some clarity to some things I have been trying to wrap my head and heart around.  I've said before here ... I can see this analogy ... my soul is to my body as a pilot is to their airplane.  That dream was a tutorial on trust ... I trusted that pilot I was flying with in the dream ... he was helping me learn some stuff about that airplane.   (July 2010 ... loop dream)  I liked that airplane ... it felt strong ... .  I liked that the pilot said I didn't have to handle it with kid gloves.  I take a very ladylike approach to almost everything ... I am careful about how I move around in life ... I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.  Now, I am starting to feel/think that it might be okay to just look out for myself a little bit ... not in a bad way, but like in that dream ... it seems so obvious that chilling out in the restraunt was a better choice then continuing to try to catch up with the other pilot.  For all I know, he was needing some time to see a man about a dog ... by that I mean ... people are able to take care of their own business ... it's not always my job to make sure everyone is happy.

On that pitcher of lemonade thing ... that is a strange choice ... I really drink (almost) only water ... with limes when possible.  I can't even imagine asking for lemonade.  I would like lemonade ... .
Elie Wiesel writes that "God created man because he loves stories."

Yeah ... that must be it.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

trust ... less twitchy ... working it out in my dreams it seems

I begin to understand the loop dream now. I begin to understand both of those dreams ... and they are both good dreams. I didn't understand them, but I felt that they must be significant ... not because I place bunches of importance on dreams, but because these were remembered in such detail ... and the accompanying emotions and thoughts were so easily at hand.
I knew they  were companion dreams. The first supported the second. They had in common an element of unguarded trust ... Trust was very apparently not an issue. Both were played out in ... not my ride ... Some one else was "in-charge" and that was of no concern to me at all ... aka, no "other seat critique".  Just to note here ...I frequently, and for as far back as I can recall, have anxiety dreams involving run away ... or driverless... or driver sitting in backseat ... or no breaks ... or unable to steer ... or ... kinda goes on  and on ... but always cars that the driver is not in control of ... and I am not the driver in these dreams.  I have been a passenger  in several different car wrecks  ... I have lost family and friends in car wrecks ... I am an extremely careful driver ... I love to drive as fast as possible when I deem it safe, but I watch myself very closely ... and I am very vigilant about the drivers anywhere near me.  I have taught four of my five children how to drive ... always beginning with a manual transmission, because I think that's the best way to start out ... automatic transmissions have come a long ways ... and I may be the only person I know who thinks the dual transmission ... is that what they call it? ... the paddle in some of the new sports cars? ... well honestly, I know nothing about it really but I have already decided it's wussy. Sports cars must have manual transmissions to be sports cars ... that's what I think.  I can not recall a single dream where I was the driver. Car ride dreams have always been anxiety dreams for me.  That's one of the strange things about the first dream.
Briefly ... the first dream began somewhere mid-ride ... it was a nice ride in a cool old truck ... nice scenery outside (must have been Texas) the driver was a  trusted friend ... I don't know where we were headed or why I was there ... everything seemed perfectly normal ... chilled out.  In the first dream I was stunned when the driver slammed on the breaks and jumped out of the truck. I tried to get out of the vehicle ...but was stuck inside where I tidied everything up and then just sat there. The driver disappeared ... and never returned.  The dream ended with me still just sitting there.  The only anxiety for me in the dream was in regards to the driver's state ... sudden erratic behavior followed by the physical pain from throwing himself on the ground ... then anger ... then just gone. It was weird.  It didn't occur to me in the dream to look for my own door pull ... on the passenger side and as I wrote when I first noted this, I was unable to get out of the truck.  I was concerned about the driver,but I felt calm ... and okay to wait. (In real life ... I don't wait so well ... I just don't. I have to plan ahead when a wait is involved ... have a book to read or something so I'm not waiting, I'm reading.)  I had just about accepted the idea that this dream was about waiting ... learning to wait well. (Even though I really think staying busy while one waits is about as good as waiting gets.)

The loop dream was very similar. It's makes me laugh as I analyze it almost a year later ... Again I assumed it was about "waiting" ... That's what my husband said about those dreams and I just assumed he was correct ... He's really smart. 
I have really been thinking about the whole wait for this or that idea ... it may sound incongruent, but I am a very patient person, raising children has done that for me. Waiting and patience are not the same thing.  I think these dreams are both about trust ... which is an area I have wanted to get stronger in.   And, because important people in my life have died ... suddenly ... I have a few issues with abandonment. (Also ... I never talk about this but I will note it now; my mother is a depression era baby ... She was conceived out of wedlock and unfortunately bares many scars due to that ... she specifically suffers from abandonment issues. I understand how a girl child ... me ... inherited part of her load.   It makes it possible for me to feel compassionate towards my momma.  Poor momma ... She very well may have done her best by me. She, unfortunately, constantly made me feel that I would have to earn my spot of shelter at her discretion ... that is exactly how she was raised by her caregivers.  I stay out of her way as always, but I love her ... I understand.  This isn't about momma ... It's about the constant threat of being abandoned ... left somewhere. I was afraid as a child ... I was safe with my dad but scared of my mom. Daddy was away a lot though ... As dads are ... And my mom reminded me of that often. It transferred to feeling like God was also pretty absent. Like God would abandon me.  Now I know better. ... So where was I? Loop dream.

The dream started in a vehicle that I am very  comfortable in ... an airplane.  This is an only dream I've ever had where I was flying with someone else also in the plane acting as a pilot. He was the flying pilot as the dream began and although he was not an old friend like the buddy in the  first dream seemed to be, trust was never an issue.  I trusted him implicitly. He demonstrated his coolness and authority with the airplane with the loop. He also keep his own council and I was okay with that.  I felt no qualms at all ... no anxiety during the flight at all ... even when I thought I might die, there was no sense of panic or really even concern.   I was a bit relieved in the dream when he passed the controls over to me, and I began to fly  the flight plan he'd put in ... he was still calling the shots on the trip, but I was actively engaged as well.  It's funny as I look at the actual circumstances in the dream ... At no point did I experience anxiety with the flight ... nor with  the pilot during the flight. My anxiety kicked in at the point of abandonment  (what in the world is going on I wondered as he ran away)... Not where death seemed a possibility! Death should be worse! Silly girl!!!  I actually liked the loop ... and the little rush ... I like loops and barrel rolls in real life.  In the dream I was impressed with the pilot's skill and attention to detail ... he controlled the plane extremely well ... beautifully ... good stick and  also safe ... smart ... yes, it was showing off, but I would be working towards that level of assured confidence in my ability to fly my plane ... I admired the show.  I like to be impressed.
Anyway ...  The dream ended with me being ... confused and a bit annoyed at my confusion, but not distressed ... .  Maybe he would show up when he finished kicking clods ... or not ...idk. A pitcher of lemonade would be enough to share ... I sat down and started looking out for myself, but not in a peeved way.
I didn't understand his actions once we landed where he intended us to land. In that dream the "driver" did not disappear.  His actions took me by surprise, like in the first dream but ... it  wasn't so weird as just disappearing like the first dream ... .

In both weird little dreams ... trust was never in doubt ... maybe it might have been, but it wasn't.  In both dreams I seemed to be suddenly abandoned ... that should definitely ping the trust switch, but I felt calm ... okay about it.  When you trust someone you just trust them to make the best decisions with the information they are working with ... and I accepted that I didn't have all the info. I was initially confused, because I didn't understand, but I quickly just relaxed back in to trusting.  It felt good in both dreams to just chill.   I felt like everything was under control and would work out as it was supposed to with out me doing anything myself.  Neither dream began at a beginning nor did they end at an ending ... both were looks at the middle of a little story.  Maybe I will enjoy time with these trust buddies again in another dream, maybe not.  I like the lessons learned as demonstrated in these dreams.

That is how I want to trust God.  When I can "see" Him ... when I understand, or think I understand what is going on, it's gotten easier to trust Him. When stuff happens that doesn't make sense ... or He seems to disappear all together ... I think I'm realizing that I can still trust Him.  He sees the big picture ... He cares about me, whether I can see that or not ... I can trust Him.  His actions sometimes seem pretty hard to interpret, but He doesn't have to explain everything to me for me to trust Him.  That is a big step in the right direction for me spiritually speaking.