March. Already. It amazes me, looking back from the calm of my home, it's March again ... and I'm beginning to think about Spring Break ... and Spring ... and daffodils. I dream frequently of my dad and my brothers. Little snippet dreams without a story to be recalled upon waking. I dream and remember only their faces and the sound of their voices which ... when I'm awake, straining to recall ... I can't. But. I remember how I felt, and that is; comforted. Comforting.
I mentioned the little dreams to my husband saying it seems weird that Momma hasn't been in my dreams at all. He joked about it saying "maybe she didn't make the cut" ... referencing all the so many times she informed me that by all appearances I wouldn't be making it to Heaven. He didn't intend the remark unkindly, in fact it's a bit of a quirky homage to Momma.
Well, I hadn't intended to mention the dreams ... they are tiny and would be almost missed by conscious thought if it weren't for the sweetness which lingers. Maybe memories are stirred by looking through Momma's old pictures ... .
I wasn't thinking of dreams this morning, more in keeping with my morning me ... I was thinking about what I'm going to do today and wondering if I missed my oldest son's birthday last year. The year is more of a blur then most years and even though many of it's moments were spent in "slo-mo" the year past faster then any I've known previously. I feel a trepidation which hasn't been part of my way before. A more cautious approach to life might have served me well. What fuels caution in a person's life?
And ... what am I talking about anyway? (Risk?)
I think I "feel" afraid that bad/sad things will just keep on happening. Like ... an avalanche. How do people deal with avalanches? I've never seen one or even spent much time where one might happen. Don't they just begin suddenly ... and end just so? And ... after one has seen that unstoppable, (unseen?) force ... does one become ... wary? mindful? scairt? Yeah, I know it's spelled incorrectly, even phonetically incorrect, it's spelled like a whispered question in the dark ... you scairt? I see it now as I type. That makes sense ... my guys made me feel safe ... any/all three of them. (Exactly the way Tommy said it when he asked his oncologist ... "you scairt yet doc?" Doctor, laughed slightly and said no ... but I could see he was.)
trepidation - a feeling of fear that causes you to hesitate because you think something bad or unpleasant is going to happen
caution - : care taken to avoid danger or risk : a careful attitude or way of behaving
Hmmm. I don't feel a need to be extremely cautious with my "earth suit", in fact, I think an adrenaline rush might be just what I need to set myself back to straight. I think it's my heart that's weary/wary. There's gotta be a word that combines "wary because of weary".
I finished my two chairs. I really liked rebuilding them from the frame out ...
Today I'll "make" seat pillows for both. Hard to describe, I made a pattern out of newspaper yesterday - it's just going to be a fitted flat cushion. Also - pulled Ava's new chair down to the frame and I'm starting to reupholster it today. It's a huge over stuffed modern casual looking thing, different from what I usually chose to do ... it's like a couch almost. So ... I think I'll find a TEDtalk or some documentary on avalanches and ... get going on it.
This is my command--be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the LORD your God is with you wherever you go." ~ Joshua 1:9 NIV