The way to love someone
is to lightly run your finger over that person's soul
until you find a crack,
and then gently pour your love into that crack.
~Keith Miller

Thursday, June 16, 2016

I've been dedicating my days to "chillin'".

A couple weeks ago I was getting out of my car in the home depot parking lot.  I wanted to shop for pots for my plants which I'd dug up from my yard.  I wanted to see how they'd do on the back porch here.
I am normally a very laid back person.  Normally, I am very respectful towards the elderly.  It's rare for me to ever raise my voice, I'm pretty soft spoken.  I'm calm.  I like to pay attention to what's going on around me, but I'm one of those people who doesn't comment. I pretend that I believe people are generally doing their best.
As I opened my door and began to get out of my car, an old woman hurried towards me fussing ... she looked like an angry hen ... she seemed to be intent on pecking at me.  What is she saying and is she really even speaking to me I wondered.  As I looked behind me she launched into another tirade ... the hot asphalt seemed to rise up at me as I realized she was indeed talking to me.  "You're not even looking and you've bumped my car!"  You've bumped my car and you don't even care!" "What?" was my very mild reply.  I had not bumped her car.  My car door wasn't even opened to within a foot of her car.  I am invariably careful not to open my door in to another car.  I don't want to ding my paint anymore than I'd want to ding another's paint.  "You did bump my car" she shrieked stepping aggressively closer to me.  I really surprised myself by stretching my 5'9" frame up to about ten feet tall.  "M'man, I absolutely did not touch your car.  YOU need to settle yourself down and look at this." I gestured with my hands showing the foot of distance between my open still open door and her vehicle.  "You did!"  She was so adamant that I wondered if she could possibly believe I actually did bump her car.  I almost wondered if I possibly had done so without noticing.  She was so sure and so clearly upset.  "NO.  I did not touch your car. I am certain that I did not." As she opened her mouth again I said.  "HUSH yourself!  I was looking at her like I do at Sammy when he forgets he is on a lead and nearly pulls my shoulder out of it's socket. My husband was standing there, a quiet witness to the entire ordeal, he hadn't said a word.  I'm actually surprised that she paid him no attention.  As I turned to walk away I glanced at him over the top of the car (he was driving and had done a superb job of parking the car smack dab in the middle of out spot).  He seemed to be as confused about the charge as I was and a bit bemused by how I was handling it.  "Man, I hope she doesn't bang up my car." I said once we were out of her range of hearing.   "What kinda crazy was that?" I asked and he said, "I think she thought you had bumped her car."  He was laughing when I looked up at his face.  I told him I didn't know if I wished I had been a lot nicer or a lot meaner, but somehow what I did say didn't seem to be enough.  Reflecting on it I'd say I still feel about the same.  I wish I had stepped calmly towards her,  I wish I had felt some compassion, she was obviously distraught.  I didn't bump her car, but I did bump her "feelings".  I wish I had let her talk herself out instead of answering back.
I don't know what is going on with me lately but I seem to be stretched a bit thin.  To tell an old woman to hush herself really isn't like me at all.  That little flare of anger doesn't feel right to me.  I don't know how I'd have ideally handled that situation.  Anger isn't what I'd choose if I wasn't just reacting. Anger isn't my usual default.   I don't like to be falsely accused but ... idk.  I think it might have been better to just stand there and let her realize that she was mistaken.
Several nights ago I dreamt that I drove my car right in to murky high water.  I was immediately underwater and I didn't have any idea what to do about it.  In the dream I thought, "Wow, this is how I die ... I die not knowing what to do about it".  The unknowns in life seem to be making me uncharacteristically anxious.
I'm trying to "relax" ... doing morning yoga and reading ... sitting outside early in the morning with coffee ... chillin'.

Spotted while walking Sammy around the neighborhood.  The wobbly fawns are really cute.

And this ... a letter of intent to "retire", and a celebratory drink.

To dream that you drive your car into a body of water or that it rolls into water implies that you are in for an emotional journey. To see a car underwater in your dream points to feelings of regret or sadness over an abandoned goal.

To dream that you are underwater suggests that you are being overcome with emotions and are in over your head regarding some situation.

Your dream of death should usually not be taken literally. Look at the dream death as symbolic of something in your waking life that is changing or ending.

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