Why these today? Arrow - I observed from rear seat. AUO and AUO with reflected CFI - bc I liked it.

Bucket list

Loved the movie - both fine actors and the story was well told.

"The cost of a thing is the amount of what I will call life which is required to be exchanged for it, immediately or in the long run." ~HD Thoreau

I do not have a bucket list but I think it is a good idea. I have noticed that I spend very little time thinking about what I want. As a child we did what/went where my mother wanted to go (within normal constraints - I know that choices tend to make choices) so just my up bringing inclined me to go with the flow. My husband is a man who tends to have strong opinions about how he wants things to be. I'm okay with that. It's kind of funny - I just have not been a person who spends much time thinking about what I want. I am accommodating. I've thought about not wanting to be bossy or selfish or demanding or bitchy. That is - well I don't know what to call that . I don't know what to call it, but I am working on it. Like with that car to call my own. I marvel that I am a 50+ person and I have never really thought about what kind of car I would want until just the last few months...and even at that I am not sure that my husband didn't kinda steer me towards the BMW. I'm not sure. I have said, "I like the Land Rovers." And he has said, nah, you're not the land rover type - and I thought well they are kinda bulky and probably not very maneuverable...and I stopped thinking about Land Rovers after that. I really do like BMWs and I think it is nice that my husband wants me to have a nice car. This isn't about that. This is about intentionally thinking about how I want to not only make a few choices, but also feel entitled to make some choices. I think this may loosely be thought of as - honestly - I am at a loss for words to describe it.

I am thinking about how much I love to fly solo. All the decisions are mine. No one is bothered if I want to circle around to the right or left...no one requires monitoring if I feel like a quick - what's the quickest descent this'll get today - descent... . When I am alone in the plane, I have the freedom to just do what I want without a thought for those I feel responsible for (for their happiness and comfort, for their safety and well being) When I am alone in the plane I do not feel pulled towards nurturing anyone. I think I am at that time in my life when I wonder if being a tender is/was really how I was supposed to spend off these moments. I'm not trying to say I'm totally self-sacrificing or totally complacent because I'm not. All I'm saying is that I tend to put my handful of loves first ... and I tend to be pretty accommodating or considerate of others. I don't assert myself - my wishes. That is the problem that I am dealing with as a CFI candidate. I know that I will be very, maybe too, assertive for the rights of my students ... I know that for certain. I also know if some one says, for example, you stink, even when I know there is no way I stink that I will wonder...I will fret...do I really stink? . I won't tell someone they stink unless they really stink. I would only tell someone you stink if I was willing to help them not stink. I'm using that as an example. If someone told my student you stink, I would immediately assess whether or not they did stink and take action from there. If they didn't stink then someone is going to get their ass kicked for messing with my business. I can do that for someone I am responsible for. Why can't I do that for myself? I think it's time to get "crackalackin" on that.

Beginning of a Bucket List:

my own car that I do not routinely share
I like the M model
it has to be a manual transmission
I do not like the 7 - it reminds me of a funeral procession
I like silver, black and gunmetal grey. I like the pearlized white but I don't think it is my favorite color. I like the black leather interior. It smells good.

I don't even have the car and I am already feeling icky about telling people, "No, you may not drive it - not even around the block."

Today was a great day. I was very happy with my Cross Country plan - I knew I would be. I was very happy with my weather work - I knew I would be. The ceiling remained too low for the trip. I remembered another trip when the clouds were too low. I really wanted to go today but today I did not. Today I learned a little bit about TAS and how it relates to CAS. I sat on that bench that I like so much and watched pre-solo privates land 18 with a light steady cross wind - and I enjoyed seeing the instructors after those flights and I loved seeing the students.

I think all the pollen has gotten to me. I feel very tired and even sad. Last night I had a nightmare. It was very different from any dream I remember having in that my body felt totally detached from my soul. I felt " me but/and we". My body felt like a wrapper. My soul seemed to sit up out of my body listening wary horrified but unafraid, as evil came by and snatched something irrevocable beyond...away...a scream carrying back like a cord of smoke. The dream felt like despair. It felt as though something precious was casually violated and nothing could return it to the time before. It was beyond anguish. My soul understood but I am unable to capture it with words. When I woke from the dream my hands and feet were very cold. My body hurt all over. The fight or flight endorphins had been scrambled. My body still hurts from the tension from that dream.
I have decided to put myself to bed early tonight. And I am thinking about a shot of NyQuil... I don't fly tomorrow, but I almost never take any meds other than the occasional Tylenol. I'm afraid the NyQuil may give me bad dreams...

Note added in June: I remember this dream. One valuable part of it is in remembering that this life in this body in this reality is fleeting. My soul is housed in a very cool earthsuit. I get to make choices that shape who I am becoming. I have been sad, but that is a little self indulgent. I'm not going to stay there. I have a great life. Today I saw women on the border between Pakistan and Russia who were probably my age and younger...they are in a desperate place. They are trying to find answers for the despair in the eyes of their children. None of them were worried about anything a silly as flight instructing.

empty parking space - collection of runoff pollen

Wind

Jn1:8. The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear it's sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the spirit.

So I'm thinking about wind. This reference from scripture is within the context of the holy spirit being sovereign... Working as he pleases in the restoration of human hearts. I'm thinking about this because as a pilot I am continuously reminded that the wind is a major player in the flight. I can't see it but I can see it's effects. The airplane is ever responsive to it. It's kinda funny, without going into it here, the wind direction and speed is available ... But try as we might to predict or quantify it, it is always at least slightly different. Or a lot different. Or shearing. A student said yesterday, " yeah, I checked the winds aloft ( FD) but I'm starting to notice that they are never accurate". Yeah me too I thought. I understand uneven heating, highs and lows and pressure gradients, friction and Coriolis, "local" winds... all that good stuff. The wind still seems to blow wherever it pleases.

I'm starting to think about this.

The invisible moving the visible.


29 April - thoughts on this a few days later:
Yesterday I flew a trip from AUO to BHM. I was very interested in the winds aloft because it was reported as 9900 all along my route of flight at 6,000 and below. I was surprised. I've never seen calm winds being forecast over that large an area. I didn't believe it. After looking at several other weather products I shrugged - maybe they are calm I thought because they was nothing to indicate otherwise.

It was pretty bumpy - no big deal - little light airplanes get bumped around some. Hit check point one and two maybe saw check point three those electrical lines can become iffy the big warehouse that I google - the one south of the interstate between two rail lines ... nowhere to be seen. I was so disappointed. I planned and planned a little visual trip - and it wasn't as lovely as I thought it was going to be. And the flight instructor was role playing crazy student pretty much the whole way there (and back) - that was the highlight of the trip. I woke up several times last night thinking about it - what could I have done better...why didn't I do this or that...did I make a plotter error...how did I let myself get suckered by the winds...?

A spiritual take away became apparent during the night. I like heavier airplanes. Light airplanes may represent novice level flying - a spiritual newbie so to speak. Light planes are grittier - more exposed to the elements and the trip I did was representative of beginner level flying - visual references outside the plane - no GPS, no VORs, not even ADF/NDBs (although I was just checking them to see what was up as an outer marker). It was hard...and not pretty. I was saturated to the point of not doing things that I do well - well. When I did boot up the GPS near Charlie - I was surprised to find myself there. I was embarrassed. I thought - well, at least you can rock the landing and taxi to ... and I did. In the FBO I began kicking myself around - like I do. That's not really very productive. The CFI wanted the course flown in reverse so I could maybe figure out where things went wrong and why. I flipped the headings and ended up off course on the same leg on the way home - I could see it happening because I was a lot farther away from the lake than my checkpoint was. In a few minutes I'll get out my nav log and recheck the heading I plotted for that leg. Surely the 2W as opposed to 3W on the isogonic lines didn't make that much difference ... I'm going to figure it out.

Little airplanes have difficulty finding their way. The stuff inside the plane that's there to help - helps quite a bit. Our chief is all about pilotage and dead reckoning and it is fun when you're just playing or challenging yourself, but for a solo student cross country it is almost unthinkable - I think.

Random notes

Stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance


Take Me Home ~Phil Collins (lyrics)

Take that look of worry
I'm an ordinary man
They don't tell me nothing
So I find out what I can
There's a fire that's been burning
Right outside my door
I can't see but I feel it
And it helps to keep me warm
So I, I don't mind
No I, I don't mind

Seems so long I've been waiting
Still don't know what for
There's no point escaping
I don't worry anymore
I can't come out to find you
I don't like to go outside
They can't turn off my feelings
Like they're turning off a light
But I, I don't mind
No I, I don't mind
Oh I, I don't mind
No I, I don't mind

So take, take me home
Cos I don't remember
Take, take me home
Cos I don't remember
Take, take me home
Cos I don't remember
Take, take me home, oh lord
Cos I've been a prisoner all my life
And I can say to you

Take that look of worry, mine's an ordinary life
Working when it's daylight
And sleeping when it's night
I've got no far horizons
I don't wish upon a star
They don't think that I listen
Oh but I know who they are
And I, I don't mind
No I, I don't mind
Oh I, I don't mind
No I, I don't mind

So take, take me home
Cos I don't remember
Take, take me home
Cos I don't remember
Take, take me home
Cos I don't remember
Take, take me home, oh lord
Well I've been a prisoner all my life
And I can say to you

But I don't remember
Take, take me home...

My Give A Damn's Busted ~Jo Dee Mesinna (lyrics)

Lyrics:

(1st verse)

Well you filled up my head,
With so many lies.
Twisted my heart
Til something snapped inside.
I'd like to give it one more try
but my give a damn's busted.

You can crawl back home
say you were wrong,
stand out in the yard
cry all night long.
Well go ahead and water my lawn.
My give a damn's busted.

(chorus)

I really wanna care,
I wanna feel somethin'
Let me dig a little deeper...
Nope...
Sorry...
Nothin'

(2nd verse)

You can say you've got issues.
You can say you're a victim.
It's all your parents fault,
After all you didn't pick em
Well maybe Oprah's got time to listen.
My give a damn's busted.

(*Well let me get this straight now)
Your therapist said
It was all just a phase
A product of the prozac
And your co-dependent ways
So uhh ... who's your enabler these days?
My give a damn's busted.

(chorus)

I really wanna care,
I wanna feel somethin'
Let me dig a little deeper...
Eeh-Eeh

(3rd verse)
(*Oh you're tellin' me)
It's a desperate situation,
No tellin' what you'll do.
If I don't forgive you,
You say your life is through.
Well honey... give me somethin' I can use.
(My give a damn's busted.)
(*Ahh you knew I was gonna say that, didn't ya.)

My give a damn's busted (*ha ha)
My give a damn's busted
Honey trust me
My give a damn's busted yeahhh ...
OOOH
My give a damn's busted yeahhh
(*You wanna do what?)(*ha ha ha ha ha)
My give a damn's busted
(*Get the party started thats what we'll do)
My give a damn's busted
(*I'm not done honey, trust me)
My give a damn's busted
(*Been there, done that)
My give a damn's busted
My give a damn's busted