Bucket list

Loved the movie - both fine actors and the story was well told.

"The cost of a thing is the amount of what I will call life which is required to be exchanged for it, immediately or in the long run." ~HD Thoreau

I do not have a bucket list but I think it is a good idea. I have noticed that I spend very little time thinking about what I want. As a child we did what/went where my mother wanted to go (within normal constraints - I know that choices tend to make choices) so just my up bringing inclined me to go with the flow. My husband is a man who tends to have strong opinions about how he wants things to be. I'm okay with that. It's kind of funny - I just have not been a person who spends much time thinking about what I want. I am accommodating. I've thought about not wanting to be bossy or selfish or demanding or bitchy. That is - well I don't know what to call that . I don't know what to call it, but I am working on it. Like with that car to call my own. I marvel that I am a 50+ person and I have never really thought about what kind of car I would want until just the last few months...and even at that I am not sure that my husband didn't kinda steer me towards the BMW. I'm not sure. I have said, "I like the Land Rovers." And he has said, nah, you're not the land rover type - and I thought well they are kinda bulky and probably not very maneuverable...and I stopped thinking about Land Rovers after that. I really do like BMWs and I think it is nice that my husband wants me to have a nice car. This isn't about that. This is about intentionally thinking about how I want to not only make a few choices, but also feel entitled to make some choices. I think this may loosely be thought of as - honestly - I am at a loss for words to describe it.

I am thinking about how much I love to fly solo. All the decisions are mine. No one is bothered if I want to circle around to the right or left...no one requires monitoring if I feel like a quick - what's the quickest descent this'll get today - descent... . When I am alone in the plane, I have the freedom to just do what I want without a thought for those I feel responsible for (for their happiness and comfort, for their safety and well being) When I am alone in the plane I do not feel pulled towards nurturing anyone. I think I am at that time in my life when I wonder if being a tender is/was really how I was supposed to spend off these moments. I'm not trying to say I'm totally self-sacrificing or totally complacent because I'm not. All I'm saying is that I tend to put my handful of loves first ... and I tend to be pretty accommodating or considerate of others. I don't assert myself - my wishes. That is the problem that I am dealing with as a CFI candidate. I know that I will be very, maybe too, assertive for the rights of my students ... I know that for certain. I also know if some one says, for example, you stink, even when I know there is no way I stink that I will wonder...I will fret...do I really stink? . I won't tell someone they stink unless they really stink. I would only tell someone you stink if I was willing to help them not stink. I'm using that as an example. If someone told my student you stink, I would immediately assess whether or not they did stink and take action from there. If they didn't stink then someone is going to get their ass kicked for messing with my business. I can do that for someone I am responsible for. Why can't I do that for myself? I think it's time to get "crackalackin" on that.

Beginning of a Bucket List:

my own car that I do not routinely share
I like the M model
it has to be a manual transmission
I do not like the 7 - it reminds me of a funeral procession
I like silver, black and gunmetal grey. I like the pearlized white but I don't think it is my favorite color. I like the black leather interior. It smells good.

I don't even have the car and I am already feeling icky about telling people, "No, you may not drive it - not even around the block."