The way to love someone
is to lightly run your finger over that person's soul
until you find a crack,
and then gently pour your love into that crack.
~Keith Miller

Saturday, August 23, 2014

August catch up post

The photo, it's of water, rain water that is spilling off the stadium at  ... where I walk to most frequently.  The water is drawn up in to clouds and at some saturation point it spills out in droplets, liquid, frozen, big small ... and in this particular place it finds "its" winding way back to earth.  Is that a metaphor for life? I'm thinking yes.  Yes ... we are but dust, and most certainly every one will agree to dust we return.  Do we scale the heights ... do we traverse seemingly circuitous paths it all about flow ... ?  I started this year full of joyous expectations.  And ... there are months yet left on my particular calendar (yeah, maybe ... because in fact, tomorrow is rife with unknowns).

Gosh it has been a hard year for me.  Yes, I am always cognizant that I'm not huddled in a tent in some dusty hell hole ... it's really kind great here in my home.  My eyes like it.  My body finds it comfortable and comforting.  I have that incredibly soft blanket that seemed to hug me once, a long time ago now, but I smile to recall it still.  Wasn't there some show when when we were young that featured a character who could wrap up inside their blanket, or a cape, and become invisible ... disappear?  Maybe I didn't see that on TV or at the drive-in picture show, that idea probably wasn't expressed in the Dick and Jane Readers.  Maybe little me adapted that all by herself.  I probably had developed the technique of checking out ... my soul, or psyche ... way before I realized that doing so may be sorta weird, or maybe even unhealthy, idk.  I know I can "be" somewhere else, even as I choose to be right here almost all the time.  Lately I have needed a break.  But, it's not break time, so I'm doing something that may be productive even as it provides a "place" to check out.

One of the type experiences that I like, or find "soothing" is to mindlessly search for something.  Something like sand dollars which are fairly easy to find at "my" beach (Port A).  Hunkering down in the salt water is the best.  I love to feel the hot air being rinsed away by continuously undulating waves. I like the mostly consistent sensory input which cocoons the industry.  I like to anticipate the find even as I speculate on what may be found ... it's an almost mindless quest (and, I already have plenty of sand dollars).  Or this, maybe an even better manifestation of the idea I'm trying to express; panning for gold.  We have done it a couple of times in Dahlonega, Georgia.  Basically, you put a bit of mud and water from the stream in your pan and you swirl it around spilling off all but the heaviest sediment, it's rhythmic and requires just a smidge of technique which is easily acquired with the tiniest bit of exposure ... not much to it.  One might hope to find little (or if you're extremely optimistic, bigger then little) flecks (nuggets?) of gold.  My family has been easily bored by the process, it's not much of an adventure, and the actual payoffs have been  negligible.  I like it though.  I like it because, like digging for sand dollars, it's an activity which encourages  a bit of focus while asking for almost nothing else.  Very little mental or physical exertion is required, and the pleasure is in the doing rather than the tangible results.

I am doing something like that now.

A couple of weeks ago, out of the blue, I was offered a job.  I was in the waiting room at the doctor's office and struck up a conversation with another waiting patient, well actually several, anyway, "visiting time" resulted in a tap on the shoulder, a very nice looking business card, and an invitation to a job interview.  After asking around a bit (and assuring myself that this wasn't about my fabulous legs) I called and set up an appointment.  It was really the neatest coincidence because my husband had recently encouraged me to "get a job" while previously it has seemed like I was most needed in the role of home-maker/handyman with a dabble of flight instructing on the side.  The kids are pretty much grown up.  My primary job has become obsolete. Here I am yesterday, dressed, hair and makeup, the whole schmo and ready to go.  I am doing "outside sales".  It's a lot like what I started doing when I was fresh out of college a lifetime ago.  I rocked it back then, and for the most part I loved it.  It was a perfect occupation for my personality type ... and it paid well.  Maybe this job will too.  That is yet to be seen.  What I can see, what all those streaks of grey hair help me see, is this is just like panning for little flecks of something possibly more significant then gold.  And ... I can easily do that without even thinking.  Not thinking is practically a requirement.  And ... I really don't want to think, I want to check out for awhile.  Isn't it cool that I can do that in really cute shoes?

So ... that's what I'm doing.  I told my buddy H that I really don't think God cares one little bit about people buying what my company is selling, but I do think He cares about people sharing their lives with other people, about relationships, even tiny, seemingly insignificant relationships. I'll (briefly) see a ton of people who I wouldn't see.  And life has taught me that a stranger's smile can be quite significant, that the lightest, most fleeting interactions can be very meaningful.  I can do that without thinking.

Btw, my brother is doing even better than any of his team could possibly have hoped for.  He is totally off the charts.  He has completed 9 of the 12 chemo sessions in his treatment plan, and is basically thriving.  That's definitely something to smile about.



GretchenJoanna said...

I can relate to so much here. That sort of boring activity that can be meditative and rejuvenating and quieting....
and your interest in all those many souls to whom you might give a smile, and maybe more. It reminds me of a quote on your sidebar (and I just looked through them all again) from Eliot about doing the useful thing etc.
...Or the Mother Teresa quote, which in turn reminds me of a movie about her which I mention in this post of mine you might enjoy:
Best of luck with the new job. I hope at least some of the people you meet appreciate their own luck.

DeAnn said...

I linked it as a "P.S." to the post. for some reason the comment box does not lend itself to making links work!

Thank you for sharing your post. Thank you for your kind words ... which are a lot like a smile.