The way to love someone
is to lightly run your finger over that person's soul
until you find a crack,
and then gently pour your love into that crack.
~Keith Miller

Monday, October 20, 2014

noted Saturday ... back home now

This week has come almost to it's end, we travel back to my normal life tomorrow.  It's interesting to "work" with all that comes with loving, tending (careful not to over tend) the people in your life, your very people, when they are sick.  I guess it's right to say that's what I've been doing this year.
With my brother, to respect his privacy, I don't write much about him.  And, in (not) doing so, I've become quiet about where my thoughts go because a lot of what I am sensitive to of late is so because of his illness ... is cancer an illness?  Illness sounds almost too benign.  When someone you love is desperately ill everything is filtered differently.  I think my "job' is to make what I can, as pleasant as possible for him.  I hope he lives for many years to come and because he is him and God is God he may.  That's part of what you learn.  You learn that you just don't know.  You learn that you can't see very far.  You learn that life is lived in this moment and that moments are meaningful and might therefore be savored.  It seems that I am learning that.  I notice a new found inclination to try to relax just a bit more then I thought I wanted to and to let things happen, because things do happen no matter what strengths (and weaknesses perhaps perceived to be strenghts) one might bring to bear.  To bare ... one must adapt. 
Sometimes I ... well, I love really good chocolate ... sometimes I open a bar and I just scarf it down too fast, much too fast.  I don't taste it as I might.  Other times, I go slow, like it may last for several days.  That's one of the important things I've been learning with everything that is me ... I want to run ahead. I somehow glorify the tendency to race through, to take the initiative.
I value that and of course it is a strong, valuable trait to an extent, but like racing through a chocolate bar, it may be just silly if not worse.  I am trying to really enjoy things and to do so takes attention. In life ... I want to allow time for "wooing".  I want to relax and see how it goes with less of my input. I want to give things time to develop and I want to take time to enjoy the process of life rather then devouring it without honoring it to the extent of my capabilities.
My mother-in-law is really old.  For now she is reasonably healthy, that can change on a dime (as can everything - really).  I am looking at how she spends what most certainly will be her last few months(?).  We really should have arranged our lives to accommodate her old age.  We are honoring what she set up ... she is well tended in a very nice facility. Having spent the day with her I note that the situation must be excruciatingly lonely.  I asked her, "Now that you are old with time to look back, what is most important?"  She said. "Church and family."  Maybe she means relationship with God, I don't know.  I do know what family is.  And ... I wish it was within my means to provide her with a better "family" experience.  As a mom I know very well the love, time, energy, attention ... the many sacrifices one gladly pours in to "family" ... it is shocking to me to see her, happy as she may be because she can't remember well, alone, without family.  She spends several thousand dollars a month for the privilege of "not being a burden" and quite frankly I think that's bizarre.  I am so very grateful for the time I was able to spend with my crazy mother during the last few weeks of her life. It wasn't a gift to her, it was a gift to me.  

Kolaches in West Texas

Dallas ... We enjoyed a dinner up in the tower
back when we lived in this area in the 80's.

Where Pecan Lodge used to be

Building One ... smelled great!

Thought to add these pictures of what we've been seeing lately.  Not much going on today - we are visiting with my mother-in-law who lives on the departure path for DFW.  I like the big planes.  We are doing a very intense session of sitting around.  I'm not sure how she feels about the company.

No comments: