A Rough Day

As I have said before, raising children is not for the faint of heart. It is surprisingly stressful. Without going in to all the stickiness of the multiple relationships pushingpullinglovingsolidifing under one roof - suffice it to say - there's a lot going on in this mixing bowl that we call home. My very close friend H called yesterday. We always have the best time together. Lots of days we are thinking about the same stuff. She has a precious little handful of her own. She asked about my number one and two (adult) children. I said somewhat forlornly, "You know H, it's rough. They are not turning out to be the cakes I thought I was baking...". She just laughed. And laughed. And then she said, "Wait a minute, I thought you said they were baking you!"

I did say something like that a few months ago. Don't you just hate it when your friends actually listen and remember what you said? Don't you just love it when your friends call you back to who you are when you really really need someone to?

Several months ago I was in Georgia and I bought one of those big zillion dollar pot lottery tickets. I thought, Now that's what I'm talkin' about! A zillion dollar windfall would be a real blessing! Then I thought, wonder what God has to say about what a blessing really is. And I remembered that one of the sources (of blessings) cited is found in our relationships. From there I thought about my husband of thirty years, the father of my five children, my life partner. He pisses me off kinda frequently. I moved on to thinking about my children. My husband, who also makes me laugh pretty often says, "Raising children is like herding cats." He is a man who likes dogs. Then I though of our church "family"...each of whom on any given day may be acting like a real stinker. From there my circle of relationships widened out all the way to causal/superficial. Wow, I thought, my "blessings" are wearing me out! They are wearing the ME out of me...because I cannot be who I am right this minute and be very good at this relationship thing. Does that make sense? I told H that day several months ago. I said something like, "all these years of child raising (24 now) I thought I was raising them ... I thought I was getting them ready to be all that they could be." That day with my lottery ticket in hand I realised that in fact they are raising me ... they are providing the opportunities for God to shape me into the person that He thinks of when He thinks of me.

The relationships that are important to me are the only ones that I won't walk away from when the going gets rough. Rough is the main thing that will cause me to be a little bit different from how I am right now. Rough is the main thing that will shape me. That is not precisely true. I know there is gentle polishing taking place but I am talking about the larger adjustment of removing "self-full-ness". Sometimes it's crazy hard to work things out in relationships that are difficult or hit rough spots (sometimes my rough spots, some times theirs). I'm committed to my children and my husband. I'm pretty commited to some other relationships. I think love commits you. I think I could love more people. I've been learning this past year that we are called to trust God and learn to walk in love. That love is something about how He allows us to participate in what He is doing I think. THat love is part of what He thinks of as blessing. I don't have it all worked out in my mind, but I think I'm on the right track here.

H said, "Wait a minute, I thought you said they were baking you!" Yeah, that's what she said. Thanks H. Thanks for reminding me. Thanks for being a really good friend.