The way to love someone
is to lightly run your finger over that person's soul
until you find a crack,
and then gently pour your love into that crack.
~Keith Miller

Friday, May 2, 2014

closure ... must be a process

closure ... 

  • the resolution of a significant event or relationship in a person's life
  • a sense of contentment experienced after such a resolution
  • A feeling of finality or resolution, especially after a traumatic experience.
Seems really strange how many people have asked, "So, did you get closure (with your mom)?"  I'm wondering if I walk around with a sign ... weird dysfunctional relationship with mother ... how do people know?  My brother really wanted me to have closure, the sister  he choose for me has asked ... closure?  or isn't it great that you got closure?  ... someone asked just today.

I really didn't think I "needed" closure with my mom ... with our relationship.  The very idea of it seems to entail drama and ... I don't like that.  It seems like I am left with a lot of pieces though, and ... tangled up as things feel it seems right to rest a while  ... let the thing unwind itself in its own time.  Our relationship was complicated.

Having spent a couple of months with her ... her last few weeks ... was a gift to me, no doubt. It's just going to take some time to unwrap it.

Lot's of folks have chosen storm analogies as expressions of support and comfort during these past weeks.  The picture above was taken from Momma's little patio after her passing.  This one was two huge thunderheads which grew and pulsed with lightning ... then they just dissipated, they blew off in little disappearing wisps.

When I thought to put the Picasso quote here, I was thinking of it as ... "resetting" from this is difficult.  I feel really tired and head-achy ... so much so that I think I may have a little bug ... I feel sad, teary ... not at all like me.  I thought I'd come home and walk Sammy ... walk this out, but, I haven't felt like it.  Today I made myself get dressed.  Maybe that's the way to do that which I seem slow to do.  Part of it is just fretting about my brother ... he's doing well btw.  Now I re-read this and recall something Momma said ... "If you would just do it right the first time we wouldn't be in this mess."  I can't remember what the situation was ... something I hadn't done right.  It was both exasperating and amusing to try to tend to her.  I think I was trying to roll her over on to her side in the middle of her huge bed.  It seemed funny that she had the audacity to criticize  ... I was doing the very best I could and she was being so Momma.  It reminded me of the zillion times she noticed that I didn't do it right the first time.  Doing it right was very important to her ... and it made her very difficult to be around.  It has a flip side though ... I like order myself, things done "right", it's a quality that enables me to do some of the things I enjoy most ... like all my tinkering around the house, like flying ... precision is mandatory in somethings.  

It was hard being her daughter ... I never got anything right ... so I edged away from her. 

(And then I came back ... which was good ... also difficult, a bit surreal.  She was pretty much the same, I was a grown up ... and now I am trying to sort it all out.)


John Venlet said...

"I was doing the very best I could and she was being so Momma."

DeAnn, I had to chuckle at that. My Mum never stops being Momma, it seems. Even when we kids tell Mum that we're 54, now, or whatever age we are, and all grown up with the ability to do it ourselves, she without fail says, "Well, I'm still your mother, and I do know a thing or two." Too true.

Thinking of you and your family. God Bless.

Anonymous said...


Your posts about your mom and brother were thoughtful and thought provoking at the same time. I thank you for sharing your very private moments with your readers; I will keep your family in my prayers.


DeAnn said...

Very grateful for friends who support us in prayer as we navigate these times. It's amazing to find so many bits of sheer joy among the sorrows. I think prayer aids those discoveries and I am thankful.