The way to love someone
is to lightly run your finger over that person's soul
until you find a crack,
and then gently pour your love into that crack.
~Keith Miller

Tuesday, February 7, 2017


Thankful for "courage to try again"

I haven't been feeling good lately ... sickish in early January, no big deal, just enough to warrant a trip to the doctor for a Zpak, then just a weird "funk" for most of the days in January up until nowish.  Christmas was great - got to spend time with the kids and enjoyed seeing them share time with each other - I really like them, all of them.  Maybe the problem was starting a new year in this rental house.  I don't know.  It doesn't make sense to me how much I seem to want to live in my own home.  I do, but I don't know what that represents to me.  Part of it is  - the way I like (have liked) to spend my time is working around the house - fixing things or making them "better" - here is not a place for that.  I have a chair which needs reupholstered (it's in the on site storage building) - I could "do" that, but there's really (truly) no room for it in the house ... and that doesn't matter, we are not lacking in places to sit.

Actually, I viewed The Minimalist on NETFIX - very interesting.  Remember that scene from THE JERK where Steve Martin's character is leaving the Mansion and he says (something like) "I don't need this stuff!  I don't need any of this stuff! ...Except maybe this (picking up a lamp was it?) and walking, dragging his feet a bit farther he picks up something else, and this ... ? I don't think it's "the stuff" so much for me - I tend to prefer "less stuff" ... but I do seem to be longing for a place of my own again.  And ... I am angry about the way this landlord weasels out of repairing things in this house ... and I know there are legal ways to remedy that but ... I don't want to go there.  The shower pan in that tiny little shower which is the masterbath leaks ... leaks through the wall into a bedroom and a closet.  He says the repair quote is 2K and he basically doesn't want to have it fixed.  He wants the tile guys to come out and recaulk the floor of the shower (which the guys he sent to look at the problem said recalling it won't fix the leak - not my house, it's just my leak to deal with for now a n d they were supposed to be here to do that  three Saturday's ago.  The toilet in the 1/2 bath has the water value turned off because it leaks ... and the handle is broken ... it's been that way since we started renting here in June 2015 ... there are ten or more "little problems" like that with this house.  I have given up on getting him to have them repaired.  It's just not worth it to me.  I watch my step on the wooden deck ... soft rotten boards are everywhere in his "piece milled" former repairs.  I don't liked being "worked up" and honestly - it's not my house and doesn't matter that much ... it's annoying but maybe misplaced anger or maybe not worth being angry about at all. 

I have been grumpy about our situation here ... . 
My husband enjoys the view from his study (very much).  
He is working as hard (and long) as ever during retirement.  
Being an "expert" is rewarding.  
I "pictured" this time of life differently.

So.  I've been readjusting my perspective.  I don't know what to expect the next several months to look like, but I do know that I believe happiness is largely a choice ... and I tend to be a happy person.

I'm looking for what I can do to feel useful and challenged and happy.  
I'm looking for what's next for me.  
And I'm doing my best to shake off the cranky pants 
- lol - 
because that wet floor doesn't get to decide how my day's going to go!

I know there's something really cool that I'll love doing. 

I'm "used to" doing what I used to do.  I'm used to doing life the way I have done it.  I had envisioned what I thought this time would look like but I had the wrong picture in mind.  I was wrong. (lol) I realize that now.  Things are still in flux - like, we won't rent this house forever.  I think I can accept "how things are" and open my mind up to doing what I can do to make my days feel how I want them to feel. Maybe it's gonna be amazing.


GretchenJoanna said...

Your posts usually stimulate so many thoughts in me, I don't know where to start. So I usually don't. Truly we need to sit down over coffee to hash these things out ;-)

I would be really annoyed if I had to tolerate those neglected repairs - water leaking?? Ugh. But when there is nothing to be done, at least, nothing that you *want* to do, then you have to just talk to yourself the way you do so well, about what is truly important...

Are you waiting for your new house to be built? Is that what site "on-site" means?

DeAnn said...

Still shopping as I said in my note to you! Looking forward to a coffee date working out!

tom said...

Life is all about change.
Wish I had your self awareness.
You got this :)

tom said...

wow -

DeAnn said...

Tom, Thank you for the note!
I don't know about that self-awareness thing, one of my childhood friends made that same observation just last week. I don't "feel" all that self aware. I do really appreciate the kind words! Great to have people pulling for you!