The way to love someone
is to lightly run your finger over that person's soul
until you find a crack,
and then gently pour your love into that crack.
~Keith Miller

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

just like shimmering pennies

 The hospice nurse noticed that fire works were going up.  Vibrant bursts of colored light brilliant in the night sky.  I love the ones that seem to fall like pennies, those little cascading copper lights always make me smile.  Pennies for your thoughts ... hundreds of them, enough to fix any problem.
"Why in the world are there fireworks tonight?" The nurse wondered.  Probably someone's fancy occasion, I thought maybe a wedding, but I said, "They are for T's birthday ~ 9* today." I wondered if she would "pass" on her birthday, but she didn't.  My husband is with her now and I am back at home tending to our daughter.  I would be fine sitting with her, but I am happier to be home.  Please God, let this be the last of my people who need this sort of care for a while.

Tommy's birthday just past as well.

 I was thinking of him as I drove home snuggled in with these professional drivers ... we were tearing it up at about 5mph.  Plenty of time to think.
I did pretty good until right at bed time.  I was thankful to be home in my own bed.  I was thinking that as nice as it felt there between the cotton sheets that one more night in a hospital room listening to him breathe would be ... nice.  God doesn't hear that as a prayer, I'm sure, as sure as I am that He catches our tears (though to what purpose I do not attempt a guess).  Then what happened?  I was alone in the dark, remembering, and basically feeling sorry for myself, and  feeling sad for how difficult life can be.  Just then a msg popped up illuminating my phone on the side table and it said, "Thinking of you.  Big hugs.  The 'firsts' are hard.  Know you are loved sweet friend."  And I cried just a little bit.  Sometimes it feels like even God has forgotten. But God didn't forget.  And my old friend helped me see that.  Pretty sweet.

That's why I'm not big on feelings.  Feelings feel real, but can be so misleading.

Quite frankly, I am exhausted by this dying stuff.  For me the gratitude exercise that Ms. Voskamp has so eloquently encouraged us towards ... is the only antidote I can think of for the fatigue of this time.

Today I saw a big white bird skimming the surface of the water.  And a former student texted about his "real" job coming up.  I cooked breakfast today and I love doing that.  (It was a frittata of sorts.)  Delicious.

My husband just sent a note - 12 to 24 hours left.  That's how a life sometimes ends.  
Pretty sure there are lessons for us all there.  The there being seeing time run out. 

Thinking about being thankful for those moments which seem to fall in the darkness 
like shimmering pennies. 

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