Today I am reading reading reading the REGs. OMG what a ton of regs ...I read them every semester, but I think I better start some kind of continuous circle through. I learn stuff with every pass - I am worrying about getting hammered on the regs when I get to my certification process. Today, I am doing heavy laundry (slip covers)and cooking too. I want some meals ready for those nights that I teach. My girls were fussing this morning and that always grates on me. Now they are buddies again and off to the pool. I am so glad that I grew up with only boys ... boys get quiet when they are annoyed. Quiet is underrated. I like the litmus test "will it matter a year from now?", if not - chillax. I say that. I am the person who is pretty close to redlining my worry gauge! Stress management. That is the new topic for DeAnnie. I so do not want to take my 50plus year old self out for that 5 mile morning run. That helps - I used to like it before I let it go ... but it's not optimal for my age, and it made my husband nervous. It would not be helpful in our current tenuous state for me to be out at the gym with all the early birds. I am not and have never been a hunter ... one significant other in a lifetime is enough of a challenge for me! He really should get that by now! Yoga - time consuming and it just feels like fancy stretching - it feels good but kinda self-indulgent and time consuming too. Seems like all my time is consumed by tending to my family and pursuing the certificate. I do this blog to relax. And I listen to music in the bathtub. I was noticing that I was starting to have a martini every night. I stopped that. Drinking doesn't build anything. My husband said he likes me better when I have a cocktail, but I have noticed that him having a cocktail works just as well. Bitchy. He is acting very nice right now - still no ring - I think he has backed himself into a corner where putting it back on would make him feel like he lost points in his game. I don't care if he has it on or not as far as my feelings go. I am concerned that he is sending out a message that he doesn't want everyone to hear, but it is his business. The ring is a symbol of something that is ... shattered? ... It's a marriage, but not the one either of us hoped for. I am cynical about marriage.
Maybe, that's part of the stress load that I can manage better. I'm still thinking about that history channel sniper show. I'm thinking about the words that were wrapped around the events ... it made the kills very doable - manageable - they never called it a kill. The target was neutralized...yeah. The snipers were interviewed and I could see the pride just behind their eyes. I was proud of them too, frankly. Impressive. If the exact same events were played out with different words playing it could have affected me entirely differently. That may not make sense quite. If the shooters had been laughing ... if they had not seemed to be serious or dignified ... grave. Maybe this time in my life is like depression that sets in on some people at Christmas time. We buy in to this idea that is presented on the face of Christmas cards ... the lights and decorations ... the festivities seem like that chicken dancing inside the glass box in Reynosa. Maybe I am ready to accept the truth that marriages - my marriage - isn't what I thought it would be or what I hoped it would be. What in life is? I think I need to assess the big pieces ... take a hard look at what we've got to work with here. There are some good pieces left. I'm proud of a lot of what we have built together. We've got several joint-projects to complete yet. That is where I need to think. Not about how different this is than what I hoped and worked for. The reality of what I've got, not what I think I wish for. I really do feel angry at my husband and part of me - my hand - would love to take my ring off and toss it at him and say "I'm out." But I know I will not do that - ever. I made that decision many many years ago. So - I am in. And because I am in I will do my best. In the past I made the mistake of letting him decide what a good wife was, but I am older and wiser now and I realized one day about a year or so ago, that I have to answer for myself. And that is serious business. I gotta let go of the pretty picture that I want my marriage to be and make it the best version of what it actually is. I think that will help reduce the stress for me. I am grieving for something that isn't. Wisps. I need to move past that to what is.
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