The way to love someone
is to lightly run your finger over that person's soul
until you find a crack,
and then gently pour your love into that crack.
~Keith Miller

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

22 ... 23 ...

boy ... last year really is a blur.  I was looking back at pics stored on my laptop from around this time last year.  These are from 22-23 April 2014.  Momma passed ... and Tommy was scheduled for the surgery that would give him a shot at more time (I'm thankful that he chose that option and that the doctor had the courage to perform it).  After Momma passed I drove from hospice back to the hospital o sit with Tommy through the night.  It was beyond any doubt the worst night of my life up to that point in time.  The nurses said I could click his pain med pump every 10 and then later every 15 minutes as he fought his way back from the surgery.  There was a very special nurse who spent a lot of her time in the room with Tommy and me because of the unrelenting drainage at the colostomy site.  So ... I clicked and helped keep clean linens going.  He was mercifully out of it most of the time.  My husband drove through the night to be with me while we tended to Momma's arrangements and by time he asked for the address I was able only to send him a location pin.
... the sun came up on the 23rd.

The other night, Sweet Pea nurse asked, "How do you get through staggering grief?"  I guess the real answer is you keep breathing as best you can and wait for the sun to come up on a better day.

Life is lived in the present moment, but I think reflecting on the past, even if its just a few moments past, is where we mine the golden moments ... the shimmer ... it is very nice to remember the shimmering moments.

I was with them while they lived.  And ... I get to choose to think of the best moments, not all of them the happiest, but that's life.  I have learned to dwell on the moments which have the finest meanings for me.  I'll remember this day as the day Momma passed peacefully on to what comes next for her ... and Tommy fought on for the life he lived, the bonus round of another 8 months.

The sun keeps on coming up until it doesn't.  Life is a gift from God and as the saying goes - what we do with is can be our gift to Him.

I'm going to go walk my big silly dog.  I'm going to watch his tail wag and I'll wait patiently while he sniffs out doggy business around the neighborhood.  Then ... I'll come home and work a bit on getting my house ready for the next people's sweet memories (putty/paint the upstairs railing), and I'll do some office work for my jobs while I wait for the bus to bring my daughter home.  She has practice tonight and I promised her a dinner out which I know she is enjoying anticipating today.  It's a plain ole day.  Nothing eventful on the horizon as far as I know.  I'm going to try out the felt-tip eyeliner I bought yesterday ... I'm gonna live life and it wouldn't bother me at all if no memories are created today ... but I'll be looking for something good just in case.


Anonymous said...

It's helpful to me to read your musings on loss and grief. I like the phrase "shimmering moments," because I've experienced so many of them. God's gift of Today comes in many forms, I guess, not always looking like loving gifts, but I know they are.

DeAnn said...

I think you are right. God's gifts are always good and intended for our good ... it's rough though down here where we have skin on. I have lived long enough to see that the "things" we "give" to Him can work out in ways that amaze us with their beauty and complexity. My prayers are with you as you navigate through this time.

gretchenjoanna said...

I am reading some of your older posts again, and am surprised sometimes, that I already commented on them, because they are new again for me. So...thank you again!