The way to love someone
is to lightly run your finger over that person's soul
until you find a crack,
and then gently pour your love into that crack.
~Keith Miller

Friday, October 9, 2015

Arrowheads and worms

Sometimes I wonder if losing them will be ... harder in December then it is now ... or last weekend ... or ... .  I really want to leave last year completely behind and here we are in October of this year and sometimes ... .

Sometimes I talk to my husband about where I would prefer to be buried ... what I would do if I found out I have cancer sometimes I think about it.  I dreamed about my mother, or really it was just "a mother",  as she laid her head on my shoulder, I looked down at my arm and tiny, as small as a hair tiny, worms were rising out of my arm like a time lapse of seedlings sprouting in fertile soil.  They seemed to be as dense as the follicles ... yuck.  I picked up a fresh fluffy white hand towel in the dream and scrubbed at the worms and dirt dark as a freshly plowed cotton field fell from the cloth.  As I watched it and wondered how a clean towel could be holding clods of earth I noticed the worms sprouting from my other arm.  Then I woke up.

Creepy.   I think the dream was about dying.  I associate worms with dying or dead bodies.  Job.  The Book of JOB.
I don't have any idea who evangelist John Weaver is but he is credited with (I guess sermon notes) notes I found on line . The Theology of Worms! Job 25:6; Ps. 22:6

Isaac Watt's hymn: Alas and Did my Saviour Bleed

"Alas, and did my Saviour bleed and did my Sovereign die,
Would He devote that Sacred Head for such a worm as I."

The hymn, one of my dad's favorite hymns, was cited in Mr. Weaver's notes.
My dad taught me how to think of death ...I wrote about that  here.

Sometimes the pain of it, the grief, just sneaks up on me.  I feel guilty about it because I have so many very precious people ... alive ... in my life.  And I am trying to be very much alive myself.

This morning we walked up on a heron again.  It was fishing in the river at the bridge near our house. We almost expect to catch sight of it as we approach the area.  One of our cats hangs out there in the morning too.  It was not a surprise to see him coming out of the tall grass that borders the river.  It makes me smile just thinking of it ... of both the cat and the bird.  Mt husband says the walk is like going out to gather the day's manna ... a gift from God to start the day.  (Coincidentally, a "worm" note there. In the manna idea, there were instructions to not over gather ... to stay in the provisions of the day.  I think the worm thing is on my mind because of the graves ... the wasting away of the physical presences ... they are gone and I am so sad about that.)

My brother was genius at finding arrowheads.  I bet there are tons of arrowheads along that trail.  Really.  I never even thought to ask him how to find them.

ps ... sent text message to Tommy's wife asking for some of his arrowheads sometime ... a week later no response yet.

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