The way to love someone
is to lightly run your finger over that person's soul
until you find a crack,
and then gently pour your love into that crack.
~Keith Miller

Friday, October 16, 2015


image via PINTEREST

wild flowers along the trail
reaching through the dry branches of a fallen tree

Sammy ~ off lead in the spillway

the tower around here

I flew yesterday.  First flight in almost two years.  Ummm ... I am rusty.

The flight, with the chief, consisted of departure, transition out to an envelope of open air, slow flight, stall recovery series, steep turns, back in for three laps. 1.2 ... 168 bucks with the employee discount.
It wasn't fun.
I can't say I enjoyed any part of it.   The best part was having it completed.  It might have been fun - I hoped it would be and in spite of the "rustiness" it should have been.
I actually wanted to cry when I got in my car afterwards.  I think for me the worst part must have been seeing the chief's fingers impatiently drumming (instructional fee was included in the flight).  It took longer then it maybe should have to get the preflight done.  I've never removed a canvas blanket from a plane and the wind was trying to whip the buckles back into the plane.  I spent awhile trying to find the fuel strainer outlet so I could trace the line back to where to "pull" so I carefully crawled around under the fuselage looking - only to find it not there but easily accessible as a right side drain.  I also didn't not find the hydraulic fluid check point which turned out to be unscrew the cap and look in there.  In other planes I've flown a dipstick basin out of view in the cabin was the go to location in the line.  My questions were met with  ... basically, eye rolling ... .  Sometimes it goes that way with people, chops busters.  I've been through it before in life, I just don't know if I want to do it again in this situation.  I don't know if what I want out of it is worth what it requires to be put in to it.  Becoming proficient isn't the problem at all, I knew it would take some time.  All the basic stuff was on point.  I'll spend the money on the flight time - I expected to.  The things I'm considering are:  if I want to spend any time instructing  (and the max there would be three mornings a week generally) do I want it to be where I'm currently at?  Do I want to instruct in a plane that I have flown not much at all and don't have any real affinity for.  I truly dislike the big flap lever ... practically yanking with the left  hand whilst delicately nudging the yoke forward with the right to smooth out the lift bump ... I have to lean forward to grab the lever and then seat belt cuts in to my neck.  The plane is not ergonomically friendly for my body type.

I'm praying about it.  All of it.  I want to choose wisely for what the next several years may look like. It would be nice to settle in to a routine that's interesting, challenging, peaceful ... fun maybe (even though just a little bit of fun is perfectly fine with me).

It was sad to fly over here with out being able to do that with Tommy.  It's one of the things we planned on doing.  Probably the grief of that was on the back burner some during the flight.  Anybody who knew me would know that a first flight back, and especially in Texas, after last year,  might include a little bit of a "thing" for me.  And ... I know they say you gotta let go of what you hoped for to make room for what comes next.  I'm making good progress there I think.

Well, that dream, the part I remembered, was a little creepy.  Glad that's not a reoccurring one!
Lately I have been dreaming about my family in pleasant ways.  The dreams have been about nothing except seeing them in my dream.  I dreamt of my older brother a few nights ago ... it was like I was standing at a window just looking at him.  He looked good.  I smiled to see him.  It felt like joy ... just joy.  I haven't seen him in my mind's eye for a very long time and I loved that I could see him so clearly.  My fourth child, C, really favors him.  I hadn't noticed that before.  It was sweet.

Been neglecting to make notes here ... just busy.  Each day I walk at least five miles.  And I'm starting to work out with kettle bells (just starting ... my former AME was a huge fan of kettle bell workouts) ... yoga mat hasn't been unrolled since we've been here. Some of that would be helpful.

I have been a person who will step up to the plate.  It is how I do life I think.

Part of "leaving" instructional work behind might seem (to me) like I just quit because it was hard ... and I didn't have to do it.  I don't want to feel that way.  Just reflecting back over my life,  I do think it might have been helpful to cut bait on things that weren't working for me.  I think what I think of as tenacity, and value as a trait in myself and others, may actually have not been (always) great for me.  That's part of what I'm thinking about.  Like - if you're consistently not getting back what you're putting in to a relationship or an activity, stopping it doesn't make you a quitter (loser).  

I did love to fly.  Do I still want to put in what is required to fly now? Do I still "love it"? 

And, along those lines, metaphorically, or as an analogy, I watched my brother fight what was absolutely going to be a fight to his death.  He was a fighter.  Some people are just warriors and that's how they do life ... they attack obstacles.  I get it.  I supported that for him  because I understood that to do less was to die before the body was done ... his regrets were that he gave up on some important things (people) too soon and it was important to him to be someone who fought even when giving up would be lots easier.  So he chose to fight the good fight.  Looking back on it I wonder if it might have been better to just go to the beach with his wife and enjoy whatever good days were left. 

Every body stops flying eventually.

From this window I can see ... .  Pretty great. 

  • "Hope is a state of mind, not of the world. Hope, in this deep and powerful sense, is not the same as joy that things are going well, or willingness to invest in enterprises that are obviously heading for success, but rather an ability to work for something because it is good." ~ Vaclav Havel
 My little brother expressed "who" he was as he fought to hold on to hope.  It was what he wanted, how he wanted it.  

For me, I'm just trying to figure out what's "good".  I'm perfectly willing to work for something because it is good.  What's "good" for now just isn't that obvious to me.  

1 comment:

gretchenjoanna said...

Wynton Marsalis must have been channeling Aristotle when he said, "Every day you go around making yourself into You."

It is an privilege to have this glimpse into your heart, the soul-searchings that you share here. Your description of flying after two years not flying was painfully expressive.

People think that I am doing pretty well considering that I am still grieving, I think that is because I *don't* push myself to do things that are hard for me. Many things I do seem hard to others, but they are easy for me. I lack emotional strength. And from going back to read your old posts, I learned that you have suffered a great amount of loss in a short time....Be gentle with yourself.