It's been rough for me getting back in to the air ... over here in Texas. I used to wake up every morning with a first thought being "do I fly today". Maybe that should be a question mark. Anyway ... I never wake up thinking about that. I went from that to waking up wondering if my brother would die today ... there were so many mornings like that that it erased the flying "wonder".
When I finished my CFI I just knew I would be able to teach my little brother how to fly. That and rebuilding an old truck were things we talked about a lot before we found out he was sick. All I had to do was get back over here to Texas and ... .
Being in the Texas air without the prospect of ever flying with him just ... hurts. I grieve.
I've been trying to figure out how to handle the places where "hurt" is for me. I think I've been thinking about it wrong. Less effectively than I could be. I think I've been tending towards figuring out how to avoid "hurting" places rather than how to smooth them out, stretch them out, air them out so they don't hurt. That is not my strategy with fabulous shoes! With fabulous shoes I am willing to wear them a little while at a time, I'm willing to break them in, I'm willing to do the work. I know that's a silly analogy, but ... it reminds me that I am willing to get past the "hurt" in some areas.
Flying ... none of my kids wants to learn how to fly. Some of them think it's great fun to be in a small airplane, but none of them really loves flying. The rental fee on a plane is enough money for lots of fun elsewhere. Just "staying current" is costly (much less staying or in my case, re-getting proficient). I knew when I stopped flying to help Tommy that I might be saying adios to flying. My husband wants me to feel free to spend the time and money it's going to require for me to get happy with my skills again. I see it as a money pit. And I feel guilty about that. Flying is something that I think doesn't benefits my family. Even if I instruct it is at best a break even proposition for me.
I also have that cataract that I've been putting off seeing to - how will a new lense "fly". So ...
- I feel bad about not having the opportunity to fly with my brother and that reminds me that life can really suck in totally unexpected ways.
- I feel bad about how rusty my skills are and uncertain about how much it's going to cost to get back up to speed.
- I feel guilty about spending time and money on just "me".
- I don't like being "sucky" in the airplane and I especially don't like being "sucky" in the airplane with a stranger. I never like feeling vulnerable. Working with a stranger on something I used to be really good at but now I'm not feels kinda "icky".
- There are no guarantees that I will be physically fit enough to fly long enough in to the future for me to rationalized the expense of the investment. For what it's going to take I could buy a whole new really awesome kayak that everyone would enjoy.
- I don't have any flying buddies over here. I'm not sure I want flying buddies.
I did schedule a Flight Review on Friday. I interviewed the guy first. I think he's gonna be just fine. Vietnam era AirForce guy, kind of a weekend instructor pilot now I'd say.
I have my FIRC coming up and I'm thinking about going up to Dallas to tend to that rather than doing it from my living room comfy chair. I'm really a shy person - it's not thrilling for me to "get out there".
Pictures of the air around here will be forth coming.
When I saw that picture this morning I thought ... I should keep those opportunities available to my people. And, I should do that for myself too.